Watari Pt 2: Wammy's House

"You don\'t half drag me into some fucking shit." Mello had commented as they eventually fled Wammy\'s House. Matt had shrugged and hurried to open the car door. He had driven them home in record time, due to a combination of traffic lights in their favour and the fact that he kept the accelerator floored the entire time. Beside him, Mello randomly snorted out his glee, enjoying his chocolate bar with a renewed relish. Madeleine had found no evidence of diabetes. He was just a man who enjoyed his chocolate. For himself, Matt alternated between laughter, mortification and alarm, before returning to finding it all so very amusing again. As they pulled up, Mello gushed out, "I can\'t believe what you said in there. \'Writing in abject pleasure\'. Fuck\'s sake, Matty!" Mello roared out his mirth again. "I didn\'t know where to look. I was looking at Ann and you said that and I just..." He tittered over his chocolate. "Classic moment."



Matt raised his eyebrows and stepped out of the car. "Yeah." He waited until Mello joined him in the yard. "I\'m never facing any of them again. Fucking Hell!"



"Mail, you\'re a slut and you love it." Mello grabbed him and pulled him into a long, possessive kiss. "So I make you writhe in abject pleasure then?"



"Occasionally." Matt winked. Then he shook his head. "That was absolutely fucking mad. Insanity in all its forms."



A slow smile grew across Mello\'s face. "I don\'t know whether to laugh or cry. Really I don\'t." He walked Matt backwards until the redhead was pressed up against the car door, then unzipped the sleeveless jacket so to run gloved hands over the striped shirt beneath. "You threatened to burn the fucking place down. Oh my God! Matty!"



"Well." Matt shrugged. "They pissed me off."



"And you threatened to kill Madeleine." Mello shook his head. "How many times this week, precisely, are you planning to place yourself in mortal danger?"



"You can\'t count the cave. I didn\'t put myself there."



"Technically you did!" Mello corrected. "You could have said no in the cathedral. I grant you that then a orphanage full of children could have potentially blown up and you could have been shot in the head, but technically you chose to be in the cave."



Matt stared at him, "So you would have...?"



"No, you did the right thing." Mello leaned in to kiss him again, his hands moving rapidly all over his husband\'s torso. "You\'re becoming as crazy as I am."



"Always have been, always will be. Just tends to happen in the cyberworld, where you can\'t see it." Matt bobbed his tongue out. "Are you planning to fuck me here?"



"No." Mello attempted to look stern, but it fell far short of his intention. "I\'m planning to tell you that if you ever put your own life recklessly in danger again, when there is absolutely no need for it, then I will be the one to kill you." He kissed him. "Understood?"



Matt just smirked and kissed him. "Yeah, man."



"Er, no. Listen to me." He gripped Matt\'s sides and held tightly, digging his fingertips in. "Don\'t make me paranoid to let you out of my sight again. We both know where that road leads. But just recently, every single, solitary time I can\'t see you, you\'re getting yourself in huge trouble. Are you actually suicidal? Is that the deal?"



"Oh! Just fucking shut and kiss me. Stop nagging."



Mello\'s hand shot upwards, stroking back Matt\'s hair, as he spoke inches from his face. "Your emotions and your actions are bouncing around like a ball in a pinball machine. You\'re all over the place and most of the stops are completely out there. You need to calm down, baby. I seriously mean it. You cannot know how serious I am about this." Mello released his grip and stepped away from the car and his husband alike. "Every fucking time I turn around it\'s Matt\'s in mortal danger again, Matt\'s in mortal danger again, Matt\'s in mortal danger again." He stalked off towards the backdoor. "I can\'t live my life like this."



Matt jogged after him. "You\'re acting like it\'s my fault."



"Yes, because 90% of the time, it bloody well is!"



"What are you going to do?"



Mello fixed him with a dark look, then inserted his key into the door. "I\'m going to have a hot chocolate."



"Oh. Right." Matt followed him into the kitchen. "Erm, Mell, that stuff you said to Hal about me. It was really nice. Like me being the great love of your life and shit."



"I said it because it\'s true." Mello sighed, filling up the kettle. "Which is why I get so pissed off when you keep putting yourself in danger."



Matt smiled. "\'kay." He peered up at the blond. "I can tell you\'re trying to work yourself up into being angry. Can\'t we just state that I\'ve got the message and I\'m planning on calming it down now?"



Mello relented, not really having the will to fight him. He flashed a smile. "I\'m going to make you a cup of tea, then will you go to bed and rest? There\'s no excuses any more. I\'m not sure what\'s keeping you going, but I think it\'s pure adrenaline and that\'s no good for you. Will you finally get round to having that rest now? Play some games. I can do research and write reports, you just tell me what you want doing. I\'d enjoy doing it." He crossed the distance between them quickly and hugged Matt close. "I am so proud of what you\'ve pulled off. You\'ve got a layer in the hierarchy of Wammy\'s House that is going to look after the children! You\'ve got someone sitting in Roger\'s chair who sees the children as human beings. Mail, you\'re amazing. Ok? You leave me breathless."



Matt had blushed crimson, burying his face into Mello\'s shoulder. He mumbled, "Thank you."



"The fine detail will come, baby. It\'s been excruciating to get here, I know, but I think that everyone is at least nominally engaged in creating a better system. It\'s healing our wounds too. Did you see me and Fenian look at each other when Communion was mentioned? That one will get through, because me and Fenian are crusading." Mello laughed. "There\'s parts of this that are resonating with different people, so each point will find their champions. If they don\'t, then I\'ll champion everything that you conceived of, if you\'ll just go to bed and let yourself rest." He kissed Matt\'s head. "I need you better, baby, so we can get on with our lives."



Matt nodded against him, peering up to receive another kiss on the lips. "Thank you."



"I am proud of you, Mail. Really fucking proud of you." Mello smiled down at him, then pulled him to his feet. "Go on then, baby, find a game and get in bed. I\'ll bring you your tea up and then make you something to eat. Love you." The redhead flashed a smile and did as he was told.



As soon as Matt was out of sight, with his heavy, slow footsteps retreating upstairs, Mello sank down onto a chair. His head felll into his hands and the light mood he\'d maintained in Matt\'s presense shrank away. The inner panic Mello had been suppressing since Winchester came now to the fore. He let out an almighty breath and stared wildly at the tabletop. "Fucking shit." The Judas thought came again. Who could arrest him? He didn\'t exist. Only Near had cells legal enough to with-hold Mello, at least as he understood the system. It had all been too close to the bone. He had committed some terrible crimes in his life, against both state and God, and they were going to lock him away for domestic violence? Against Matt?!



Mello rose through layers of emotions, not knowing which of them was the right one to feel. He had already found it funny, now he considered it horrifying, startling. He knew that eventually he would reach anger, but for now he was paralysed with pity. On some levels, he agreed with that they\'d done. He was even grateful for it, because it meant that someone other than himself cared about what happened to his Matty. Mello could even see why they\'d done it. If he had had only the information available to Roger, Ann, Hal, his peers... Mello cringed. Their peers. Fenian, Lamond, Linda and Deontic, at least, viewing him as little more than the childhood bully grown up. The bruises on Matt were the result of little more than Mello\'s tantrums maturing into greater displays of viciousness. Mello felt sick. He rose in his seat, hand clasped against his mouth, but the wave of nausea passed.



What was he going to do? What was he going to do? Mello sat again, eyes wide and staring. At the end of the day, nothing had changed. What they did in their own home between consenting adults was no-one\'s business but their own. Matt would still throw his dummy out the pram if Mello suggested never having violent sex again; and Mello would still give him too easily, because, frankly he got off on smacking Matt around. This had been a wake-up call, that was all. Though for what, Mello hadn\'t yet decided. The worst thing was knowing that everyone else knew what they did and all secretly believed it was domestic violence.



Was it domestic violence? Mello thought of all those rules and regulations that he\'d once glimpsed on the internet, governing a safe S&M relationship, but which he had never yet persuaded Matt to sit and discuss with him. He hadn\'t tried too hard. In fact, Mello was struggling to remember a time when he\'d tried at all, beyond occasionally mentioning it in passing. They had a safeword, which Mello felt sure he had never ignored. Yes, he had. Mello\'s head dropped into his hands again. He had ignored it only a couple of days ago, but that was only because Matt wasn\'t using it properly. That shouldn\'t matter. If Matt said, \'Watari\', then Mello should stop. No extenuating circumstances. No appeal. Nothing. It all boiled down to consent, but if Matt was secretly frightened and abused, then could he give his consent and that still be a defence?



Mello didn\'t know. He just didn\'t know. He couldn\'t think of anyone he could ask either. He thought of the beautiful irony of them having just set up an infrastructure, whereby all alumni had somewhere to turn in their distress, but how could he take this to them? The idea was just laughable, even if Mello could countenance it for himself. He couldn\'t imagine a single problem that he would take to them and certainly not this one. Mello sorted things out for himself, always had, and if it called for a higher power than himself, then he sought that out in private. He touched his rosary.



How could he turn to God with something like this? The Lord knew that Mello had prayed in all sincerity, seeking guidance for much worse in the past. Asking for protection when he had murder in his heart. Warping the tenets of the Ten Commandments, because there was always a good reason for one or the other to be broken. With a flash of horrorstruck memory, Mello recalled Kira calling him on this very thing. Insane, evil Kira, whose unyielding intellect pierced straight into the heart of the matter. He\'d called him a hypocrit. Said much more besides. Asked him if his Aves had absolved him. Mello whispered through his fingers, "Killing in the name of Christ. How wonderfully hypocritical of you, Mihael Keehl." He swallowed hard. "Kira was right."



There was a short cough from the doorway. Mello\'s head whipped around to find Matt standing there. Dread washed through. No-one ever sneaked up on him. Matt had taken his boots off, so stood in his socks, but that should not have made a difference. Mello prided himself on constant alertness. "I disagree." Matt said languidly. "I mean, that stuff about Christ, that\'s between you and God, but I refuse to believe that Kira was ever right about anything."



"You\'re supposed to be in bed!" Mello accused, standing up so rapidly that his chair scraped back and wobbled on two legs, before it settled again. "What are you doing down here?"



"I was getting games from my study and watching you on my monitors. You looked like a man who needs me to counteract the crap in his head."



Mello stared and he wanted to be strong, but the tears pricked at his eyes. "I\'m sorry."



"Hey angel." Matt wandered further into the room and met Mello with open arms. "This all about what happened at Wammy\'s? Fuck \'em. That\'s what I say. Fuck \'em. They don\'t know us. They just raised us."



"Matty, what if it is domestic violence? What if...?"



"It\'s not." Matt pushed Mello\'s head down onto his shoulder. The blond was three inches taller than him, now that Matt was in his bare feet and Mello still wore his boots. It rendered it difficult to cuddle him as he would have liked. "If it makes you feel better, I\'ll punch you up the wall now and make it a bit more even."



"I never wanted to hurt you."



"Now you\'re just talking crap." Matt led his husband back to a chair and sat him down. "Hey, where\'s my badass, fuck-the-world princess gone? You let them get into your head like this and next thing you know, I won\'t have any choice in staying in bed for a week."



Mello stared at him. Matt had developed a really malicious tongue of late. The blond couldn\'t tell now whether his husband was deliberately trying to rile him or else was exploiting a moment of vunerability to land another verbal kick. Whichever it was, it wasn\'t helpful and it hurt. "Matty, just go to bed."



Matt sighed. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but instead sloped away back towards the door. There he stopped, turned on his heel and took a couple of steps back. "I wasn\'t trying to upset you."



"You did though." Mello wiped his eyes and rose to finish their drinks. "Deservedly so."



"You\'re never going to hit me again, are you?"



Mello turned and suddenly that question seemed the most pivotal asked in their relationship to date. He took in the redhead standing, pale and gaunt, against the wall. The hair and goggles which gave no clues to his thoughts; but the hand, which rose suddenly so that Matt could nibble at a thread of his already chewed gloves, revealed the nerves anyway. For a moment, Mello could see two futures stretching out before them. One held roses and sunshine, sweetness and summer days. He could almost touch it. But it wasn\'t their future to grasp. The other, more of the same, blood and violence, him and Matt clutching each other like flotsum in some temptuous wave, that was their world. Mello leapt forward, up onto the table-top and stalked along to the other side. He leapt from the edge, pouncing on Matt and pressing him up against the wall. His mouth followed, teeth bashing, tongue invasive, lips possessive and they kissed for a very long time. Mello\'s fingers snaked around Matt\'s collar, holding him in place.



They had to come up for air eventually. Matt, his head up against the wall, smiled back, his teeth grazing his lower lip, his green eyes gleaming behind the orange plastic. Mello, smirking back at him, expression sultry, eyes dipping and rising like he viewed a feast ready for the eating, his tongue slithering quickly to wet his lips in anticipation. Mello chuckled. "You\'re really short without your boots on."



"Fuck off." Matt grinned. "Answer the question."



"Why should I?" Mello held his gaze. "That\'s something I missed the previous dozens of times we\'ve been here. It\'s not my question to answer. Where are my boundaries, Matty? You always held the safe-word, but you never used it right. You have a whole safety-net now, because Wammy\'s will catch you if you fall. You put pressure on me to beat you, when you\'re half dead on your feet; and I do it, because I love you and because I want you sane and happy." He smiled. "But God, haven\'t I felt guilty about it over the years? I can no longer confidently state that it\'s me keeping you happy or you keeping me happy, or if there\'s just too much noise in the background and the truth is that we both get off on it. I do know that all the pressure comes from you. I just don\'t know it\'s source."



Matt blinked. For a moment, Mello thought he was going to retort with something biting, but Matt just laughed. "Wow, it took you long enough to work that one out."



"No, it didn\'t." Mello countered. "I\'ve just never put it all together in the same thought before. You go on an on about whether or not it turns me on. Well, yes, it does. Fine. We\'ve established that. But you... no, you couldn\'t fake that. The bloody noises that you make and, fuck Matty, your whole body wakes up. You\'ve gone through your entire life so fucking nonchalant about everything. Me rushing around Wammy\'s desperately trying to get the grades and you sitting there, beeping! But it\'s all an act. I\'ve seen way too many cracks now not to know that. During sex, you wake up. Sorry, correction, during violent sex, you wake up. It makes you feel good, doesn\'t it?"



"Erm. Yes." Matt nodded to emphasise the point. "It does make me feel good." He smiled.



"And do you do it for me?"



"I hope so. You certainly look like you\'re involved too."



"Do you do it because you\'re scared of losing me?"



"No. I do it for the hot sex." Matt smirked. "And the writhing in abject pleasure. Though not losing you would be really nice too."



Mello scrowled. "They all think I\'m some monster to you! They\'ve already tried to take you away from me. They could try again. It\'s not me who can fix this, Matt. I can tell them all I fucking want, but no-one\'s going to believe me. They look at me and they see the murders and the Mafia. There is no gentle to me in their eyes." He let go and started to pace around that section of the kitchen. "You\'ve really played your cards well this time. You\'ve managed to make yourself look like an innocent, fucking cherub in need of rescue and I\'m the bad guy."



"Mell, I just took a hostage, threatened to ignite the infirmary and then told them I\'m a masochist, who loves it." Matt grinned. "You know what I see when I look at you?"



Mello sighed and snapped back. "What do you see, Matt?"



"It\'s more what I think." Matt pushed away from the wall and meandered towards him. "I see a whole sentence with the words \'mountain\' and \'molehill\' coming together."



"Matt!" Mello glared. "I am not making a mountain out of a molehill! This is not helpful."



Matt caught him, with a hand on Mello\'s bicep stroking down, "Yes, you are. You\'re having an angst moment and you\'ve started ranting." He dragged Mello\'s head closer and kissed his lips. "Mihael, calm down and stop doing your own fucking head in please."



Mello stared back at him for long moments, caught between outrage and despair, but instead he allowed the green-eyed gaze to soothe him. The blond\'s shoulders sagged and he finally reached out to hug Matt to him. "We\'re a right bloody pair. I sometimes think we\'re doomed."



"Thus speaks the Catholic."



"I just don\'t want them thinking that I\'m evil incarnate!" Mello countered. "I love you and I don\'t want them thinking you\'re not safe to be with me."



"Or, to put it another way, we\'ve just practically killed ourselves to get some changes into Wammy\'s House, which would protect us too; and now you\'re thinking that even that\'s out of reach for you." Matt claimed another kiss. "You don\'t need them, but you deserve the right to know that they\'re there to catch you. You never had that. I never had that. The difference being that I started to care that I didn\'t have it and now I\'ve infected you. Mello, you should be able to send out a distress call and get it answered, even if you\'d never deign to actually send one."



Mello held him close. "Let\'s not confuse the issues, baby." He closed his eyes and kissed Matt\'s head, as he thought. "I\'m losing the plot as much as you are. Right, easy answer first, no, I\'m not going to stop beating you. Happy now?"



"Ecstatic." Matt grinned.



"Granted not right now, because you need to go back to bed, rest up and get better."



"That\'s taken as read."



"Good boy."



"And you?" Matt pulled away to be able to look into Mello\'s eyes again. "How the fuck did you get from panicking about all of this all the way to God and Kira?"



"Because they are connected."



"Like bollocks are they."



Mello grit his teeth, "The things I did chasing down Kira went against God and everything I believed in. They turned me into a monster and, even though it might be tamed by now, it\'s still hanging around me like a shadow. Nobody sees me, they see the shadow." His forehead furrowed. "I\'ve built quite the reputation, as you know."



"And you use it to its best advantage." Matt smirked. "Mell, if I said now that I had a pill, which you could take and everything would change, would you take it? I mean that everyone would see you as a sweet, compassionate angel, who couldn\'t hurt a fly; and that they would all judge you solely on your Christian charity and your mastery of the Romantic poets. Would you take the pill?" Mello swallowed and didn\'t reply. His response was eloquent enough. "Then why are you fucking whinging about it?"



"Because..." Mello struggled to find the words to express it. He released that there were none. "Because I want to."



"Just as I deduced." Matt grinned. "Tell you what, I\'ll go upstairs now and set up a website, with flash, that repeats over and over again, \'Mail Jeevas is a masochist whore, who begs Mello to take his belt to him everytime they have sex\'. Then I\'ll add content full of the scholarly reasons why and a final link with prayers that they can say for your immortal soul. Send the link to all the alumni, Roger, Ann, Hal and..."



Mello smiled, "Or not." He kissed the redhead again. "I do love you. I love how you can make all the crap in this world seem insignificant, even when you\'re fucked up yourself." He hugged him one last time. "Go on, go to bed and get that rest. I\'m good now. I\'m going to cook us something to eat and bring it up to you. Then I\'ll probably have a lie down myself with a book."



Matt gazed up at him, "I know I\'m not everything you need in a partner. I know I\'m not the world\'s most romantic bloke. I sometimes think that you read about what love should be, then look for Cathy and Heathcliff in us. It\'s never going to happen. No-one\'s ever going to write great literature based on what we have, because, unfortunately, it\'s real life and that\'s quite boring on paper."



"You speak for yourself." Mello grinned suddenly. "You once said I\'m a tragic hero and so I do get to have great love affairs."



"Eh? When did I say that?"



"You did." Mello propelled Matt towards the doorway. "You\'ll do for me, Mail Jeevas-Keehl. Great love of my life." He stepped back, flicking his wrist in a dismissive gesture. "Now get your arse in bed and don\'t come back until you\'re better." The redhead laughed, but left. Mello called after him. "Matty?"



The response came from the foot of the stairs. "What?"



"Love you."



Matt laughed and climbed the stairs. The atmosphere seemed lighter, brighter. The healing could now begin.