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(Never) Let Him Know	By : Fullmetal_Masochist Category: -Misc Anime > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1812 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Tokyo Ghoul or any of the characters in the series. I am making no money from this story.

Chapter List
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Hide explained that he had been working with Anteiku to get information about the group Aogiri Tree and that I had been kidnapped when they found out that he was spying on them.
"I told you the truth when I said I had gone there looking for Kaneki. What I didn't say was that I did find him."
"Really?! If you found him, why were you so upset after you rescued me? You were crying your eyes out right next to my..." The words trailed off as I began to piece together the story. Knowing that I had it figured out, Hide continued.
"Haise, your real identity is Kaneki Ken. Because of the trauma you experienced at Aogiri's prison, your mind created this new personality to cope with your situation. You lost all your memories as Kaneki when that happened. Yoshimura is unsure whether they'll return. All we can do for you now is give you time to heal, both physically and mentally."
As fast as my mind was racing, I couldn't put any of it into words to respond. I have no reason to doubt him, but I have no recollection of this person he claims that I am.
"Y-You found him, yet still lost him. You must have been so disappointed when it was only me there."
"Hey, hey! Not at all! I admit it was a shock to find out what happened, but I don't regret anything I did for you, Haise."
"What was he to you? Ever since you found me, I've only seen you sad and miserable because of his absence. What kind of friendship did you have with him to be affected so much?"
Hide paused in thought, "He was my closest friend, my lover, my whole world. Before I met him, I didn't believe in unconditional love. Without knowing much about me, he loved me without hesitation or doubt. I hurt him in so many ways, but he still cared about me. Even after I became a Ghoul, his love didn't waver. He was the strength I needed to get through those hard times. Kaneki made me feel complete, and not having him with me has left such a void in my heart. I try to keep a smile on my face because I know that's what he'd do for me. But I'm not as strong as he is. I never was, even before I changed."
His words were sweet yet painful, speaking of a person I didn't know. "All this time I've been staying here with you... Seeing me every day walking around with his face. Just how cruel can you be to yourself?! Why would you put yourself through that kind of heartache, seeing some stranger in your lover's body?! I've been the source of your sadness all this time!" I grabbed the handles on the wheelchair and started pushing myself away from the table, intent on leaving.
"No! Please don't go!" Hide jumped up from the table and stood in front of me. "You have no reason to feel bad about this, Haise. You aren't responsible for my happiness, okay? So just calm down and we'll finish our conversation. I'm sure there's more you want to know."
My head started to ache as tears began to flow down my face. I whimpered as I clutched my head in my hands and shut my eyes tight. Hide's voice started to trail off, like a fading echo.
I'm back in that cavernous room again. This time I'm already facing the black-haired young man. He isn't crying, just watching me silently.
"I see he's told you. Will you let me go now?"
"Let you go? What makes you think I'm the one keeping you here? I don't even know who you are!"
The young man stepped away and pointed to me. "You're a tourist, spending time in my place. All tourists eventually go back where they came from. Haise, don't forget me. I don't want to disappear. He needs me."
"A-Are you..."
Before I can finish speaking, my eyes start to blur again as everything goes black. Hide's voice is echoing still, growing louder this time.
"Haise! Hey, snap out of it! Goddammit, I wouldn't have told you if I knew this would happen!"
I must have fallen out of my chair, because when I came to, I was laying on the floor near the table, with Hide holding my upper body up against him.
"Haise?! Hold on; I'm going to call Dr. Yoshimu-"
"Don't." I interrupted as he pulled his phone from his pocket. "It's not necessary, I only fainted. I'm okay now."
"Like Hell you're okay! This is what we were afraid would happen if we told you anything about your past."
I pushed away from him and dragged myself towards my chair. My arms were healed and stronger than my legs, so it wasn't difficult to get myself seated in it again. "I want to know more about him, this person I'm supposed to be."
Hide stared at me as he sat on the floor, then stood up and walked over to me. "I can show you parts of his life, if you'll let me. I need to ask you this though. Do you want to get those memories back?"
He made a good point. The person I am now would cease to exist if Kaneki came back. "Would you hold it against me if I said no? What if it's better for me to leave that person behind? If terrible things happened to him, enough to forget everything, would it be good for me to remember it at all?"
I was hurting him again, and I knew it. But I don't want to disappear any more than the boy in the room does. There's no way I could be Kaneki. The person Hide described wouldn't cause him this much pain. I'm Sasaki Haise, and for now, I want to stay Haise even if it is selfish of me.
"Whatever you think is best, Haise. I-I'm gonna get a shower before I eat," Hide said quietly as he walked away, defeated.
There was an ache in my heart as I watched him go. It wasn't fair to be caught in the middle like this. Not fair at all for me to have these feelings grow for someone who's in love with someone else.
"Hey, Hide," I called out before he closed the bathroom door.
"Yes?"
"I'm not sure if it's for the best, but will you show me who Kaneki was anyway? It may end up hurting, but I feel it's still important to know. He may have left a void in your life, but I have no past and barely anything in the present. Maybe if I see those parts of his life, then I'll feel less empty with my own."
"I can. Good night, Haise."
Hide waited a couple of weeks before taking me on his first 'Kaneki field trip.' He wanted me to go through more physical therapy and get checked out by Yoshimura before going anywhere. I obliged him and improved enough to walk with a crutch. Yoshimura didn't find anything wrong to prevent this either, so here we were, walking into the local movie theater.
"Are you sure you're okay with this?" I asked Hide as he finished buying our tickets.
"Yeah. This is where I first admitted my feelings to Kaneki. If there are any memories to find, I'm sure they'd be here." We went into the theater where I followed Hide up to the very top row of seats. I took it slow with my crutch. As always, Hide waited patiently for me to catch up. The room was nearly empty as we sat in the middle two seats.
As the movie began, I spent less time watching the screen and more of it watching Hide. If this is where they first realized their feelings for each other, then something other than the movie was the key to unlocking that memory. I'm sure he knew I was watching him, but he kept his eyes forward and his left arm on the rest between us. I looked at his hand, gripping the end of the armrest nervously. It's like he was restless and wanted to put his hand somewhere else.
A flash of an image went through my mind. I saw his hand move over to my thigh. He slowly ran his fingers up my leg, the sensation they left behind sent chills through me.
Was this something I experienced as Kaneki? My breath caught in my chest as the flashback continued.
Just before Hide reaches his destination, his hand distorts, the colors surrounding it bleed away until only black, white, and gray are left. The hand is now gnarled and crooked, sliding up the leg of my shorts. It's no longer Hide I'm seeing next to me, but a faceless man with rough hands slipping into my underwear. I feel another hand against my mouth, preventing me from calling for help. That happy memory in the theater had devolved into the horrifying ordeal from my recurring nightmare. I fight against those hands, but it's a useless struggle. I scream against the palm sealing my voice and making it hard to take in air. The image starts to fade until I see light again.
I realized I was silently crying and shaking once I noticed I was back in the theater.
"Haise, what is it? Why are you crying?"
"I-I, the hands were real. The nightmare is real, it all happened!" I started to hyperventilate as Hide pulled me close.
"Shh, shh, calm down! It's not real; you're safe with me now. Come on; we're going back." He collected me into his arms and walked us out of the theater. It was hard to concentrate on what was going on, but eventually we were back at the apartment and Hide set me down on the couch and sat down next to me.
"I saw it, Hide. The hand you put on Kaneki's leg that night. Going there did bring back a memory."
"Maybe so, but you ended up having a panic attack with whatever you remembered afterwards. It's not worth it if you're going to suffer like this, Haise."
It wasn't like I could deny my reaction to seeing what had happened to me while I was held captive. This was one memory out of a ten-day span of time. Who knows what else could be unlocked with other attempts to learn more about Kaneki's life.
"You're trembling. Hold on, let me get you a blanket." I grabbed his arm before he could get up.
"P-Please don't go. Stay here with me for a little while. I'll be okay soon. Just don't leave me alone right now."
"Okay, I'm not going anywhere." Hide slipped out of my grip and slid his fingers around my own, holding my hand firmly as he pulled me against him. I squeezed his hand now and then to make sure he was still there as I dared to close my eyes once more. His presence calmed me enough to drift off to sleep. I fell asleep holding his hand, and as far as I know, he stayed true to his word and didn't leave my side that night.
It's so unfair, falling for someone I can never have.
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