All The Way Here

Mello had been pretending to sleep for an hour, listening to Matt tapping away at his laptops. He had endured the atmosphere and had apologised until Matt told him to please stop. Mello had sat beside him, watching him unlock code like it was some huge computer game. He hoped he had said all the right things now. Eventually though, the sensation of a shattering world was too great. So he\'d gone to bed and lay there, turned away, silently praying with his eyes closed.



There was movement. Most of the laptops being closed down and a cigarette being smoked. Matt left for the bathroom and Mello wondered if he should declare himself awake, so he could offer to have the settee. Instead he lay there dreading that Matt would sleep there instead. One by one the lights closed down, but for the lamp that was always kept lit, even when they slept, so that they could have an illuminated view of the living area in case of intruders. Mello held his breath, but the footsteps came closer and Matt stripped off beside their bed. He climbed in, underneath the covers.



A moment later, Mello felt an arm creep around his waist, then move up and tighten to hug him from behind. Matt spoke quietly, "I know you\'re awake."



"Yes." Mello\'s hand covered the one around him and he leaned down to kiss it. "I didn\'t think you would want to touch me." There was a pause. "I could go onto the settee."



"No." Matt snuggled up behind him. "Where\'s that bit of me you couldn\'t stop looking at again?"



Mello blushed. He had been a little too carried away in his confessions earlier. He turned, so that he was gazing up at Matt on his side and traced his fingers along the redhead\'s hip and waist. "This bit."



Matt laughed. "Really? What\'s so special about it?"



"It\'s..." Mello\'s face was burning. "I just like it."



"Any other bits?" The redhead didn\'t let him answer, he bent for a kiss, holding Mello close in his arms. They hadn\'t kissed in weeks like that. There had always been some pain somewhere even in that. This time though they were each trying to say the unspoken words, conveying love, penance and forgiveness as best they could. "Sorry, you were saying." Matt smiled as they finally broke about. "Bits of me you like."



"Can I see you again?" Mello touched the line of his neck, down to the shoulder. He frowned at Matt\'s puzzled expression, because he couldn\'t think how to inform it. He tried out in his mind, \'I hated what I was doing, so I objectified you until I barely saw you at all.\' It didn\'t work. "I hurt you and I\'m sorry. I want to see what I did."



"To do your own head in again?" Matt reached to cover Mello\'s hand at his shoulder, his green eyes held pity. "If we ignore it, it might go away."



"Please." Mello blinked at him. "Remember I\'m a Catholic. I have to face my sins." Matt sighed, but leaned over to switch on the bedside lamp and flapped back the quilt over to reveal his naked body. It was a mass of bruises and cuts, some large, some small. His wrists, devoid of the long sleeves, were red raw, rubbed into harsh sores. On his upper thigh, there were four neat lines, two of them fairly deep, which had been obviously cut with a razor. Mello bit hard on his lip. "Please will you turn over." Silently, Matt did so. The evidence of violence was even worse there. Mello had done so much more when he couldn\'t see his lover\'s face. "I\'m really sorry."



Matt pulled the quilt back over himself, right up to the neck, and smiled back. "All gone now."



"Does it hurt when I hug you?"



"No." The redhead lied, shuffling over to be hugged. "In fact, please hug me." Mello did as he was told. "And another of those kisses and perhaps hot sex would be nice."



Mello gave him a withering look. "How can you be so understanding about all of this? I\'ve been a monster to you!"



"Experience." Matt grinned. "Just glad to have you back."



"Experience?" Mello snapped, momentarily forgetting himself. Matt\'s mouth closed down on his and he was silenced. He planned all the ways in which he could explain to the redhead how sex was not going to happen, until it could occur without any more pain, but Matt was already running his hands over Mello\'s body. His rebellious libido responded. "Slow down... Matty..." It shocked him how fast Matt stopped. For all his bravado he was still very wary. "Shit."



"What?"



"I made you so scared of me." Mello replied blankly. "Shout at me. Hit me! Do something not to be scared of me."



Matt took Mello\'s hand in his, then slipped through until the blond was holding his tortured wrist. He reached across and did the same with the other hand. "Get some perspective, Mello. This isn\'t the other extreme of what your guilt is trying to say." His mouth pressed down and this time the kiss was harsher. Mello squeezed, ever so slightly, knowing the state of those wrists. Matt increased the pressure on his lips.



Mello understood, they were redefining and setting out their boundaries. This was negotiation time, as so many scenarios from their past were laid bare as options. Matt silently saying to him, \'don\'t treat me with cotton gloves\'; Mello loosening his grip on the wrists, stroking them instead, silently saying, \'ok, but not to this extreme\'. Mello\'s leg coming up, hooking over the back of Matt\'s to entrap him there, speaking without words, \'you still belong to me\'; Matt grinding into him, unspoken the sentiment, \'I am yours.\'



Their kiss broke away, leaving them breathless and staring into each other\'s eyes. Matt smirked. "I\'m not used to being on top. You\'re so gorgeous, Mello."



"So are you." Mello shook his head to knock the hair from his eyes. "I love you." He gently brought one of Matt\'s wrists to his mouth and kissed it before releasing it. He did the same with the other one. "Not forever, but for tonight." He smiled, seeking forgiveness. Matt nodded. For all of their awkwardness, they were both hard, their erections side by side against Mello\'s abdomen. "I can\'t enter you without pain. I saw your arse."



Matt gave him a knowing look. "Somewhere behind the Catholic angst, the psychopath and the calculating genius, I know there\'s a Mello in there." He shifted slightly, then brought a finger down Mello\'s chest and his stomach. Once he found his goal, he took both of them under his hand and languidly stroked. "I\'ve known that Mello for a long time, in all of his incarnations, and one thing I do know is..." He leaned over to lick the blond\'s lips, his emerald eyes glinting under red hair. His hand moved to take Mello\'s aching dick fully and his strokes grew more pronounced. "The thought of anal sex causing pain turns him the fuck on no end."



Mello was arching as Matt rolled off him and turned his back. His head lolled back, onto Mello\'s chest, and he strained for kisses. The blond reached to give them, the movement forcing his own body to almost spoon against the beautiful redhead in his arms. Mello\'s body screamed its own needs and his mind was losing its capacity to reason. His mouth was sucking at Matt\'s neck before he had chance to stop himself. This was spiralling out of control. "Matty, stop... I\'m..."



Matt hesitated, but his mind was clearer. His hand returned to tease Mello right at his hardness, then to run his fingers over his lover\'s arse, guiding him closer, positioning him. "It\'s alright." Matt whispered, kissing Mello\'s scarred forehead. "It\'s alright."



"No." Mello forced himself not to surrender, despite every nerve in his body tingling for it to be so. "No. You\'re reacting to conditioning that I\'ve put there."



Matt snorted. "Yes. And one or two other things." He took Mello\'s hand and directed it to his own groin. "Tell me, am I or am I not having fun?"



Mello encased Matt\'s dick in his hand, doing unto him as had been done to himself. The redhead gasped and leaned backwards, pressing himself against Mello. It occurred to the blond that it didn\'t matter if he entered or not, because there was no part of Matt\'s back not already being crushed against his own. He must already be in pain, but the expression on the redhead\'s face was simply concentration and lust. His arse was already well lubricated with pre-cum. Mello let out a deep sigh and, gently as he could, pushed himself inside Matt.



Matt\'s eyes opened, just a crack, and his smile widened. "Thank you."



The blond slowed things down, attempting to minimalise discomfort, pain and a reinforcement of his domination. But, in the circumstances, the latter was ludicrous. Matt had played this one and won it. Right now, he was probably thinking something ridiculous like, \'woot! I hax0red Mello!\' But that was probably wrong. He was getting a lot wrong about the beautiful redhead just recently. He built up speed until he could tell that Matt was about to come. The whimpering and the tension in his body gave it away. Mello arranged the Spanish words in his mind. Whispering into his ear so quietly that it was a wonder Matt heard, "I love you, Mail Jeevas."



Matt came, arching back, then melting, cuddled close by the blond behind. Gasping aloud, too shocked to speak. Mello grinned and kissed him wherever his lips could reach, holding on, repeating, "I love you", until he came himself. Then they just lay there, both shivering, as their mouths met in a long kiss. When, at last, they draw apart, they both wore a smile, eyes peering into each other\'s as if they couldn\'t believe their luck.



"Are you alright?" Mello asked finally.



"Yes. Wow!" Matt grinned back. "That was... Wow!"



"Did I hurt you?" Mello reached to stroke his cheek, drinking in the sight of him. Feeling himself grow calmer as a result.



"No... yes... well, no. Fuck, that was amazing."



"Well that clarifies things." Mello leaned in to kiss him again. "I have a promise for you. But I want one from you too."



"Ok."



"I promise never to try and guess what\'s in your head and do something stupid, that jeopardises us, without talking to you about it again." Mello gazed into his eyes. "I need you to promise that if anything like that does happen, you are to speak up. You are never to suffer in silence again."



"I promise."



"No, a proper oath." Mello lifted his rosary. "What day is it?"



"Erm..." Matt squinted at the clock on the television. "It\'s the early hours of January 25th."



"Ok, I swear an oath, on this day, January 25th, by Almighty God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Trinity that I will never try to second-guess you again, in matters of me and you."



"I like the caveat. I swear by, erm," Matt was half tempted to say Mario, but he doubted that Mello would appreciate it, "my heart, our history and my love for you that I will never not speak up if it\'s important enough."



They bore witness with a kiss and held each other close, talking and touching, until the dawn came and they slept.