The Annals of Fear

Matt stood helplessly over his husband. Mello hadn\'t even made it to the bed. He was crumpled in the middle of the floor, curled up and sobbing his heart out. Matt rubbed his mouth and said, "Mello." There was no reply, but increased grief at his feet. Matt took refuge in ranting. "You wouldn\'t fucking read about it! It\'s ridiculous. I mean what precisely are the odds of that man being here! Recognising you! You were a fucking infant, it\'s just untenable that..."



Mello struggled to unfurl an arm, he reached up towards Matt. Matt took his hand and that encouraged Mello to scramble to his knees. He hugged Matt\'s legs, sobbing snot and tears into them. "NATO. NATO." He wept, but with no further detail than that. "NATO."



Matt hesitated, then stroked Mello\'s hair. "Do you want to get up on the bed? I\'ll get you some chocolate. Maybe a drink?"



"Hold me." Mello gasped out. "Matt, please, hold me."



Matt leaned over him, but it was an awkward embrace. "Come on, onto the bed. I\'ll hold you there." He hooked his arms under Mello\'s armpits and lifted him. It always surprised him how light Mello was. The wiry muscles and the fact that Mello could lift Matt with ease always convinced him that Mello should be heavier. He practically manhandled the blond to the bed. Matt had just dropped him there, when a rap came at the door. Matt groaned, "What?"



Hal called through it. "Deontic has told me."



On the bed, Mello curled up again, trembling from head to foot. Matt sighed, "Well, fine. Crucify us tomorrow. I\'ve got a distraught spouse to deal with in here."



"Is Mello ok?"



Matt frowned at the utter banality of the question. "No. No, he\'s not."



"Is there anything I can do?"



Matt chewed on the end of his glove, then substituted it for a cigarette. That lit, the world seemed slightly better. He glanced at Mello, then rolled his eyes and set off to open the door. Holding it open just enough to see Hal\'s face, Matt had to turn again to exhale smoke into the room behind him. "Yes, you can ensure that Flight Lieutenant Lees keeps his gob shut. Then you can release Rhys Roberts. He hasn\'t anything to do with what\'s happening in that house. And get me a syringe. I\'m taking another vial of blood out of Mello for testing. He\'s had a shock and I want to see what that has done to his calcium ion levels." He thought about it. "And get someone, Air Force, police, I don\'t care who, to go into the cellar of the house and find the missing bead for his rosary. I want that returned."



Hal stared at Matt. "Right."



"Thank you." Matt closed the door on her and meandered back to Mello. His husband had made an effort to sit up. His head was bowed and there was a chocolate bar melting in his hand. Matt detoured into the bathroom and came back with the toilet roll. "Tissue?"



Mello snatched it from his hand. Underneath the curtain of blond hair, there was a large amount of nose blowing and eye wiping. The tissues dropped onto the floor, Mello devoured the entire chocolate bar. His voice emerged rasping and hoarse, "My family weren\'t Ustaše. We were just an ordinary family. God-fearing, ordinary family."



"I know." Matt stated in what he hoped was a reassuring tone. His mind had already taken the statement and found it flawed. Mello had only been four at the time. He couldn\'t have known what his family was. Matt\'s own father had been a leading light in ETA and he hadn\'t known that until last year. "War sucks."



"We didn\'t deserve that."



"No-one ever does." Matt mentally made an addition to the list of things he wanted from the internet or Hal. Until now, he had not known precisely where Mello had been born. He knew the province but not the town. Right now, Matt wanted to learn all he could about Gorskica and that would involve books and websites. "You seem calmer."



"Hold me?"



Matt sat down beside him and wrapped an arm around Mello\'s shoulders. His husband leaned in, his head against Matt\'s chest, while his arms encircled Matt\'s body. The tears started again. Matt let him cry, mainly because he couldn\'t think of how to stop him. A dam had finally given inside his husband\'s psyche and now nearly twenty years worth of mourning and fright had burst through. "Can I get you anything?"



"Yourself." Mello lifted his head slightly, so to peer at Matt through red-rimmed and swollen eyes. "I\'m sorry, Matty."



"What for?" Matt asked, noting the name he had been called and wondering at it. Mello must assumed them bugged still. It was a wise assumption.



Tears squeezed from Mello\'s eyes again. "I\'ve always tried to be strong for you. I\'m so aware that you don\'t know what to do in these situations. But right now, I just need to be held by someone who loves me. Ok?"



Matt swallowed. "Yeah." He renewed his embrace around Mello, even as the door was knocked again. "That will be Hal with the syringe. I want to check you..."



"I\'m ok." Mello sniffed. "I\'m just upset."



"Yeah, and Century is in the hospital fighting for his life." Matt wriggled away from Mello and jogged to the door. It was Hal and she was holding a sterile syringe inside its wrapper. "Gracias." Matt took it. "Will you come in and wait for it." From the bed, there was the tiniest snort of derision, which jolted Matt. He glanced back, frowning, but Mello was just sitting there with his hand over his mouth, staring at the floor. His other arm was wrapped around himself. Matt bit his lip and walked across. Hal came inside only a few steps. She smiled sympathetically at Mello on the bed. "Let me have your arm, anđeo."



Mello obediently extended his arm and Matt ripped open the syringe, inserting it into the bruise left by the last extraction of blood. Mello flinched. "Fucker."



"Sorry."



Hal called across, "Mello don\'t worry about anything, ok? Deontic and I have it all sorted out." They both looked at her, though Mello simply shrugged and quickly looked away. "With Watari and the Flight Lieutenant. It\'s ok. You just sort yourself out." Mello nodded and whispered a \'thanks\', though it was obvious that he didn\'t care. She took the syringe, as Matt rewrapped it and handed it over. "Thank you." She left and that rendered Matt stranded again with Mello. He closed the door after her and walked across, collecting more chocolate bars on the way.



Mello was slowly stripping off his clothes, starting with the jacket that he\'d partially removed to give Matt access to his vein. His lip was being bitten enough to cause visible dents in it. His eyes kept welling up. "I was so scared, guapo." He whispered eventually. His jacket fell to the floor. "I thought it was Hell. Out there. I could hear the screams and that smell..." He sniffed and started on his boots. "It felt like we\'d entered Hell and it was all my fault."



"How could it have been your fault?"



"I broke the rosary." Mello half-shrugged. "Don\'t say anything. I was four. God was watching." He blinked the tears away, but more fell. A boot slid off his foot aided by the other. "When the bell crashed down, I think I nearly had a heart attack. It was the end of the world and my parents weren\'t coming for me." He wriggled the other boot off with his hand. Matt took the hint and started getting undressed himself. They were clearly going to bed. "The noise and the air. It was hard to breathe with all that dust, though I must have managed enough. I was screaming my head off."



"I can imagine."



"To be honest, guapo? I don\'t think you can." He wiped his eyes on the back of his forearm, then reached down for more tissue to blow his nose. "God was punishing me so badly and I was terrified and sorry. So sorry. So fucking sorry. And still the world went on ending." He unzipped his top and inched it over his shoulders. It was, Matt decided, the most unsexy undressing that Mello had ever done in his life. The top fell in a heap on the bed behind him and Mello just sat there, topless. He eventually stooped to pick up his socks and stuff them into his boots, then rose to pad over to the bathroom. He whispered, miserably, "I\'m just brushing my teeth."



While he was gone, Matt busied himself tidying up their few belongings. Mello hated clutter. He said that the state of a room directly influenced the state of his mind. Matt stashed one chocolate bar under his pillow, in case of emergency, and stacked the rest beside the bed. He placed his cigarettes, lighter and an ashtray on the other side, adding his PSP, though he doubted that he\'d have chance to use it. Matt sat in his boxer shorts, staring at the bed and wishing that he knew where their spare quilt was. Cocooning in what was available would render Mello without a cover, which wouldn\'t wouldn\'t be good for either of their health. Matt smoked a cigarette and watched the open bathroom door. Mello was taking forever and there were no sounds of ablutions taking place now.



Matt rose and strolled across to lean on the doorjamb. Mello was on his knees inside the bathroom. His rosary clasped between his hands; his head bowed over it. He was praying. Matt stepped back and left him to it. This was part of Mello\'s life that was nothing to do with him. He took the opportunity to play more of the Tetris minigames on mute, until Mello stood in a creaking of leather and wandered back out. The Slav looked so drained of life, physically and in his demeanour, like he had lost that great spark of something that made him Mello. Matt switched off his game and put it down. Hurrying across, he rubbed Mello\'s arm in passing, before rushing into the bathroom himself.



Mello was in bed when Matt returned. He was no longer crying, though his eyes swam with unshed tears. He had almost finished another chocolate bar. Shards of it were on the pillow and the top of the undersheet. Only the lamp was on. The main light had been switched off. Matt surveyed the bed again. Mello had even moved across to the space nearest to the wall. Matt flashed him a smile and climbed in. "Alright?"



"No." Mello provided a weak, apologetic smile. "There\'s not enough quilt for you to hide away in." Mello\'s brow furrowed, like he was going to crying again. "Mi niño, you let me cuddle you while you slept last night." He swallowed, hard, over the lump in his throat. "I know that those were extraordinary circumstances and you wasn\'t quite yourself, but..."



Matt put his arm around Mello. Bits of chocolate were crushed into his shoulder. "I\'ll cuddle you."



Mello shifted to better hold and be held. "I\'m sorry I\'m so..." He struggled for the word and eventually settled upon, "bleurgh at the moment, but I do appreciate this."



"I\'m sorry I\'m so shit." Matt was shocked at just how much Mello was still shaking.



Mello forced a wan smile, "But you\'re not. You do show your feelings, Matt. I just had to learn how to read between the lines to find the romance." He inclined his head slightly so not to cough in Matt\'s face. He caught a kiss once he\'d raised it again. "Love you."



"Volim te."



"The little things that you do. Like stubbornly insisting on sleeping between me and wherever an assailant might enter. Like between me and the bedroom door at home and with your back to the staircase, where it was all kicking off, last night. That\'s cute. I gave you the window and the door tonight." Mello smiled at him, but it didn\'t reach his eyes. He coughed again before continuing. "To be frank, if an invader did come upon us while we slept, the first thing I\'d have to do is climb over you and put you to safety behind me, thus losing valuable seconds in dealing with the fucker. But I get that you want to protect me and that\'s nice. You know?"



"I\'d have already taken the fucker out before he got to you, sweetheart." Matt smirked.



"Yes, of course you would." Mello\'s smile held more warmth this time. "Despite the fact that you can sleep through an earthquake."



Matt shrugged. "That was just once and it was only a small earthquake."



"It shook Wammy\'s House."



Matt dismissed it as meaningless. "Are you feeling better now?"



Mello snuggled further against him. "I\'m glad that I\'m in bed with you." His mouth sought out Matt\'s and they kissed slowly and tenderly. As they drew away from it, a lone tear fell from Mello\'s uninjured eye. "I\'m glad you know now. What happened in Gorskica."



"Me too." Matt used his thumb to wipe the tear away. Another was falling from Mello\'s injured eye now. That was a good sign, though long since no longer an issue. At one time, Matt had worried about the tear ducts being damaged in there after the explosion in Los Angeles. Mello had shed enough tears in the interim to reassure him. "I\'m sorry that it happened to you."



Mello bit his lip again, swallowing back a sob. Matt kissed his forehead and stroked his back, holding Mello until he cried himself to sleep. Matt knew that there were probably a raft of things that Mello needed to hear him saying, but what they were, he\'d perhaps never know. Mello\'s expression, even in sleep, still seemed wracked with grief. Matt tucked the quilt behind himself, under his own body, but returned to hold Mello close. It was uncomfortable in a way that went deeper than the physicality, but Matt did it anyway. Right now this was Mello\'s time and that was what mattered. It would all work out in the end, because it had to.