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Fever Dreams	By : sashocirrione Category: Death Note > Yaoi-Male/Male > L/Light Views: 2733 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, and I do not make any money from these writings.

Chapter List
- 33
- 34
CHAPTER 34
As soon as Light touched the tree, the tingle was back, a little stronger than usual unless Light was imagining it, and he could see nothing except the blackness of his closed eyes. He tried to unburden himself of all thoughts, all desires. It happened faster than he expected, the other-place mental landscape of feelings unfolding quickly around him.
He almost didn't notice the swarm of his missing memory pieces. Something else dominated. It was a vast intelligence, layer upon layer, complex and with internal parts that constantly moved, shifting and turning and revolving in patterns too difficult to follow. Light had a sense of a living, thinking mind. He was sure it was L. It felt like L, powerful and prickly and incredibly complicated and somehow childish too.
The intelligence noticed him almost instantly, turning a focus on him that was the most probing scrutiny Light could imagine, raking across him like a searchlight, sending out nonverbal demands for answers, for giving up everything. Light was afraid. There was much that could be lost. Perhaps, perhaps he had wanted his innocence untarnished, ugly answers buried forever.
Giving up secrecy and deception for trust and risk...
Yet Light knew he was a risk-taker, and curious, and that the issues at stake were mainly emotional ones, no longer the danger of being imprisoned or executed. Besides, it was intolerable that L should discover things on his own, secretly. There wasn't any way to stop L, so joining him in the search was the only hope of keeping L from having an unfair advantage.
Light tried to reach out mentally, allowing access, refusing to flinch as that other mind drew very close to his own and began to invade with a chill like cold water.
Light had a sudden flash of memory, of being very small and crawling across a dark floor, lit only by the orange-red flickering of flames just beginning to stream up the curtains with a crackling sound. The sound down the hallway was much louder, more dangerous, but that was further back. His hands were tiny and pale as they continually moved in and out of his vision just below him on the carpet, helping to propel him along. Something soft that he liked very much was wrapped around his shoulders and dragged behind him.
He detoured around an area littered with shards of mirror, catching multiple glimpses of his face in them, unmistakably the face of L but very, very young. With only a slight hesitation, he wedged himself through a cat-door, into a smoke-choked room that was darker and brighter at once, with bits of smoldering things on the floor and continuing to drop from above. He bunched the old quilt tighter around himself for protection, pressing his face close to the floor to suck up cleaner air. Most fire deaths were not caused by burns, but by smoke inhalation.
Then the vast intelligence was rebuffing Light, pushing him out and away, setting up prickly barriers and observing him from behind those barriers.
Light could still feel his crouched posture and the bark of the tree, but his focus was almost entirely on the mental realm. He was breathing very slowly, and could hear L's breaths continuing to slow as well.
Light let his thoughts calm, his desires fall away, and he once again became acutely conscious of the swarm of pieces of his missing memories, just out of reach. He tried to not want anything at all, and then, after it felt just right, Light let his mind drift to those few days between Higuchi's death and when all the strange things had begun happening.
Light had the feeling that L was peering over his shoulder the entire time, watching, evaluating.
Whatever had happened then that he couldn't quite remember, it was incredibly emotionally charged. There were elaborate plans that had been made, plans built up and discarded, then replaced with altered plans, more than once. Whispering in Misa's ears had been part of a scheme, Light was sure of it, but no matter how quiet and still he made his mind, he couldn't remember just what he'd whispered to her.
But there was an additional detail now. He had a distinct feeling that at some point, Misa had held a small object hidden in her hand and brushed his skin with it, and something had changed as a result. Light waited and waited, but no additional information surfaced about whatever Misa had concealed in her hand.
But there was something else. Misa had forgotten something she shouldn't have forgotten. Light hadn't been angry, though, he had a plan for that too.
And then his plans had changed even more, though he didn't see how. That change had made him very nervous, until L had become delirious with the fever, and then Light had seen his chance and... somehow... taken that chance.
Light waited patiently, trying to see if anything else would come to him, but the time kept going on and on with nothing new coming. All the while, he was dimly aware of L. L was still hiding behind those prickly barriers, doing his own mental dance with his own elusive memory pieces.
It was nerve-wracking to simply wait and see, wondering if L would find anything that could be turned into meaningful proof.
At last, Light heard L's voice in the real world, muttering, "Thirteen days, that's the only problem."
L must have remembered something about that mysterious test that was partially set up but never completed. What were those two criminals going to be used for?
Light opened his eyes to see L just removing his hand from the tree. Light let go as well, and the tickle and the sense of hidden memories both disappeared instantly.
They were staring at each other. Light felt as if he were seeing L for the first time again, looking at him and wondering about him. It was particularly odd to see him wrapped in that quilt from the vision. Light could still almost feel that quilt wrapped around his own shoulders, could almost smell the rank, charred scent of fire burning a wide variety of household items.
He wondered again at how little he knew of L, other than things he had directly observed. He didn't know L's name, or almost anything about his past. And yet he felt as if he understood L very well, the way L's mind worked, all of L's likes and dislikes, everything that made L uniquely himself. Light knew everything about L, except for a few basic things that most people knew about their lovers.
L said, "You were there with me. I could feel it."
I should tell him what I saw.
Light's heart was pounding fast, but he ignored it and told L everything he had sensed, including the detailed vision.
At the end, Light reached down, fingering the quilt, and said, "This is the same quilt, isn't it? What happened then? You say you have no family. Did they die in that fire?"
L answered, "No, that was a different occurrence. Are you sure you didn't see any more of my memories?"
"I thought I might if I waited, but I didn't."
L looked pleased. He had hooked a thumb into the corner of his mouth in the way he always did when he wanted to hide a small smirk.
L said, "Then this process is not dangerous. We can repeat it, and we will, until we are sure we've extracted all the useful information. The destruction of the trees will wait until after this has been completed."
Light blinked at L, wondering at this new turn of events.
"You believed me," Light said, "just like that? You're not going to insist on trying to figure out some test that would prove whether I'm lying?"
L said, "I can usually tell when you are lying. I am more skilled at that process than you think. Besides, lately you've shown an increasingly stronger inclination towards telling the truth. You seldom attempt lies."
Light said, "But what if it was a lie, and you failed to detect it? That could put you in danger. You need to be concerned with protecting yourself, L. We still don't really know what happened to me, or what hidden powers Kira might have."
"I am taking care of myself well enough. You have no idea of everything I've done."
And then it was a staring contest between them again. Light had the feeling that L was looking him over just as thoroughly as he was looking L over. To feel another person's mind directly, it was odd, almost too intimate, and it had set Light's brain in a whirl. Speculations were pressing in on him from every side, mostly old ones that he'd grown a bit tired of rehashing, but they felt almost new again now that he'd touched L mind-to-mind.
L was a mysterious man. His past was almost a complete blank. His habits and personality were well-known, but not the reasons behind them. Light couldn't help but think of L as a child, crawling through that burning house alone with only a quilt for defense. L had said his family hadn't died in that particular incident. What if there had been a string of tragedies, gradually depriving L of everyone close to him?
L's stunted posture, always curled in on himself, and his complete lack of friends; all the clues were obvious. L had at some point in his life decided that socializing wasn't worth the costs, and he wanted to avoid it. If it wasn't isolation that had caused L's attitude, it was something else. Had he been bullied? Had he faced too much trauma at a young age? Had the pressures of starting a dangerous career as a child warped him badly?
Over the last three months of living in one place, Light had managed to coax L into participating in a little social group Light had formed from the neighbors. It had only served to demonstrate how very inadequate L was in that realm, even with Light dropping him hints and hovering nearby to help steer things in the right direction.
The first meeting, a simple dinner party, was almost a complete disaster. After L had served everyone wine that was from his winery (he actually did own one, it was just owned under an alias and was of no importance) L had spent the next twenty minutes describing in excruciating detail exactly how easy it would have been to poison every last one of the guests. Until L had driven the topic into the ground, none of Light's attempts to change the subject or lighten the mood had worked.
Although it had been possible to coax the neighbors back for more social events, L barely improved. He said terribly rude things from time to time in the most casual way, and he was argumentative about any attempts made to question his eccentric appearance and behavior. L seemed to view socializing as a chance to learn more about infiltration and undercover work for possible use later. L didn't interact with them as if they were real people, but rather as if they were all part of a big experiment, a social test.
L was difficult to figure out. He was an eternal mystery, ever-intriguing. Light knew so much, yet there were always additional layers to L, and Light felt as if there would forever be more surprises waiting for him. Life with L would never be boring or normal. Nobody else could be such a challenge. L was always and forever the center of excitement in Light's life. When L had first appeared, the suffocating boredom had ended, and it had never returned.
Light said, "We should be starting work. I'm sure we're already behind on at least three cases."
"Aren't you curious as to why I slept late?"
"It wasn't just a ploy to catch me?"
"No. Catching you was an unexpected benefit."
Light said, "I'm guessing you handed over all our cases to M and N."
"You are correct," L said, "I have a surprise for you, and our work would interfere. We need to be free of obligations."
M, like N, was nothing more than a letter on a screen and a computer-garbled voice to Light. As far as Light could tell, L had begun working with M a little more than two years after N had first appeared. M and N did not get along very well with each other, but they both worked well with L.
M and N, along with Watari, were sort of like a surrogate family for L. He did more socializing with M and N through the computer than he did with any live person other than Light himself, and the tone of that socializing was oddly familial. There was a closeness, as of long association, along with the sort of irritation that relatives often had with each other.
L stood up and began leaving the room, the metal door sliding open quickly at the touch of a button.
Light followed, saying, "Since it is a surprise, I suppose you won't tell me where we are going?"
"Correct."
Light had come to think of M and N as L's younger brothers. L had eventually revealed that M and N were both teenagers, which meant that N must have been very young indeed when he'd started giving L orders and had taken over as head of the task force. Light knew his father and most of the others would be mortified, so he never told them.
M and N were oddly like L in certain ways, especially in their thinking patterns. M was like an overly-emotional and hot-headed version of L, quick to take risks and to let his sense of justice spur him into action. N was like a colder, more stunted version of L, with even fewer social skills and sometimes a shocking ignorance of practical matters. Neither of them liked Light very much, but they had eventually grudgingly accepted him as a permanent accessory to L. In addition to the grudging acceptance, Light knew that from time to time he'd managed to completely dazzle them and earn their envy by making some particularly brilliant deduction.
Light continued following L through the house, all the way to a safe in the basement that had to be opened with yet another code, plus a palm-scanner and a retina-scanner. This was proof that the surprise was indeed a trip, just as Light had expected. The contents of that safe allowed L and himself to leave the house together.
The safe opened, revealing two plastic leg-cuffs with embedded electronics, each with buttons and little screens. Each one was designed to clasp a leg just above the ankle, remaining hidden under the clothing of a trouser-leg or jean-leg. The cuffs were the high-tech equivalent of the older handcuffs and chain, working via GPS signals to be sure they didn't stray more than 100 meters apart.
It was impossible for Light to get out of the house without wearing one cuff, limiting him to a hundred-meter range around the house unless L came with him. It was also supposedly impossible for anyone but L to remove the cuffs, though Light suspected Watari could, and Light suspected he could figure it out under the right circumstances. He was never actually given a chance, though. The cuffs were always removed in secrecy, while Light was asleep or by making him wear a blindfold and handcuffs so L could remove Light's leg cuff completely unseen.
Any attempt to remove the leg cuff in the wrong way would send an alert to both Watari and L, while at the same time the cuff itself would inject Light with a sedative that would render him unconscious in less than a minute.
Moving 100 meters apart would also send an alert to Watari and L, along with making Light's leg cuff give off a beeping in warning. If Light didn't heed the warning and return to within 100 meters fast enough, he would likewise be rendered unconscious. In addition to the GPS sensor, the security equipment and the injection array, Light's cuff also recorded all sounds near him.
L had nicknamed this ensemble "the wedding bands" and seemed almost sentimental about it. Light was allowed to go places entirely unwatched and on his own without the cuffs, but only if L changed their residence to a new, unknown location at the same time. The entire system meant that it would be very difficult for Light to betray L's location under any circumstances, except intentionally. If any Kira or agent of Kira approached Light and tried to threaten him, it would likely not work, at least not without L knowing about it.
L secured both cuffs, then turned on a nearby laptop and sent out a few test signals, checking for proper calibration. Everything seemed fine.
When they left, the front door sensed the cuffs and let them out. Thirty minutes later Watari had dropped them off at a private entrance to the local airport, one with lowered security, perfect for someone as camera-shy as L. After only a cursory check, they were escorted out onto the tarmac to a small luxury jet owned by L.
Light made small talk with the pilot for a few minutes before the sound-proof door sealed their privacy.
As Light returned to his seat and strapped in for take-off, he said, "What is there in the Midwest for us? I thought you were bored to death last time we went there."
"It's no fair, cheating like that, tricking the pilot," L said, and pouted.
But it was his fake pout. He wasn't actually displeased.
It was a two-hour flight, and all through it Light debated whether to bring up the events of the morning again. There was a sense of an unfinished conversation hanging in the air. Too much had happened with the tree and new information and their temporary mental communication. More needed to be said, but perhaps it was all too heavy and complex to get into, when they were obviously going on a little vacation.
Light thought he needed time to think, to process everything, and L didn't bring up any of those topics, so the unfinished conversation continued to hang silently between them as they talked of other things.
And then there was another limo ride, dropping them off at the front entrance to a huge amusement park. The scraggly humps and twists of various roller-coasters filled up the skyline.
L pulled two maps of the park from his pocket and handed one to Light, saying, "My employees are already in place. They're running all surveillance cameras here and our faces won't be recorded."
Light said, "What is so special about this amusement park?"
L smirked without trying to hide it and said, "You'll see."
Light was already ninety percent sure what they'd find, and his guess was confirmed when he heard Sayu's voice yelling out, "Big brother!"
A quick look around revealed her arm, waving above the crowd, and then her form, pushing through the throng. She stopped suddenly as soon as she had a clear look at Light and said, "Wow, I've never seen your hair so long! Did it grow that much in just three months, or is it hair extensions?"
"It's real," Light said, "but you shouldn't call it long. It's only shoulder-length."
"I was just startled. It makes you look like a male model. Are you sure you don't want to ever try out to be a model?"
"I'm not interested."
"Oh, right," Sayu said, "Misa. Well, she was annoying, but not all models are annoying. I'm even friends with two at college now."
Sayu laughed and said, "Oh, I haven't thought about Misa in so long. I'll never forget when she came to our house and threw dirt. Mom had a complete meltdown as soon as you left, Light. Waving her arms and screaming and the whole works! Mom never wants Dad or you to know how upset she can get, but Misa's crazy stuff really pushed her buttons."
Sayu enfolded Light in a hug, and said, "After this, visit again soon, okay?"
Then Sayu turned to face L and said, "Ryuzaki, I've missed you too! I know Mom and Dad wouldn't mind if you want to visit for a couple of weeks, as long as you bring Light too, which I know you would."
L said, "We might do that after this. We're on vacation. We could go wherever we want."
Sayu reached into her purse, brought out a flyer for a local grocery store and said, "Look, Light, just look at these watermelons! It's unbelievable. Fruit is so cheap in America. We have to go there."
L said, "I can ship as many as you want to your home. It would be easier than you trying to haul them back to Japan in your luggage."
Sayu laughed again and said, "Oh, you don't have to, Ryuzaki. You're always so nice with gifts! But please do it."
L blinked at Sayu, looking happy in that subdued way that was so typical of him.
Sayu said, "Light, I never thought you'd ever end up with someone so funny-looking."
Light said, "Hey! Ryuzaki isn't funny-looking."
L said, "It's no use protesting. Sayu is correct. I am, in fact, funny-looking."
Sayu said, "Oh, but I mean that in the nicest way! Ryuzaki is like a puppy of an ugly breed of dog, or maybe like a baby warthog. He's got features that shouldn't look nice but, somehow, he's just really cute regardless, once you get used to him."
Continuing to talk, they wandered further inside, soon finding themselves in more tolerable, thinner crowds once away from the entrance. Sayu mostly wanted to talk non-stop, and Light wasn't particularly interested in one thing more than any other, so their path was mainly determined by L. At first, L led them to lots of games; frequently managing to figure them out and win the biggest prize, which he would then wave away as unnecessary unless Sayu happened to want it.
At some point Light focused on Sayu too much and L somehow wandered off. As soon as Light realized he couldn't see him, he glanced around, his heart beating fast, trying to catch a glimpse of L's hunched form though the moving sea of bodies around them. Where was he? Sometimes he could be so childish and unreliable! If he went too far, and Light started beeping and then "fainted" in front of his sister and lots of curious strangers...
Some sort of panic must have been evident on his face, because Sayu said, "Hey Light, don't get so worried. I'm sure Ryuzaki is fine. You really love him a lot, don't you?"
"Yes, I do," Light said, and he knew it was true.
Finding L could be a simple matter of pulling up his trouser leg and looking at the cuff to see which direction L was in, but Light didn't want to reveal the existence of his cuff. He could probably come up with a nice lie about the cuff for his sister, but it would be better not to even face that much potential embarrassment.
Then Light's gaze latched onto a cotton-candy stand with a particularly thick press of bodies around it. It was exactly the sort of place L would go, and Light started off, getting his guess confirmed halfway there as L emerged from the crowd, eating a gigantic cottony whorl of purple with an expression of intense bliss on his face and a decidedly purple tongue.
That event set L on a mission to collect as many treats as he could, before all three of them settled down in a food court area, Sayu and Light having obtained more normal meals. Though, America's idea of Japanese food was decidedly off.
There was a long, leisurely three-way conversation as they ate and then digested, to be sure that the rides wouldn't provoke any problems. Light thought that he had never seen L enjoy Sayu's company quite so much, and he'd certainly never seen L make so few mistakes in socializing. Perhaps he actually was picking up techniques, learning from his awkward encounters with the neighbors.
Then it was rides for most of the afternoon, L childish and excited at always pointing out the highest or most twisty rides, talking about acceleration and G-forces and naming the engineers who had designed each ride. None of them scared L, though a few scared Sayu so that she waited while they went alone, and a couple of them made Light nauseous enough that he sat out for a little while.
L was almost a bit too adventurous about the entire idea. On one particularly wild roller-coaster, L pressed his mouth near Light's ear and whispered, "If your sister were not with us today, I would be tempted to test whether it is possible to secretly perform oral sex while on one of these rides."
Light quietly said back, "Not on this one. It would knock your teeth out."
L rolled his eyes and said, "Obviously not this one."
A sudden drop threw Light upwards, his shoulders grinding against the padded bars that kept him in, and then a twist jerked him to one side.
Over the noise of the rushing wind, Sayu said from the row behind them, "What?"
L said, "This is obviously not the last roller-coaster we are going on today."
At the end of the day, as an orange pre-sunset glow was beginning to spread across the sky, they left the park, another limo taking them to a lake, where L had rented a small island with an elegant resort on it, easily large enough for several families. L piloted the boat out there, and when they entered the empty building let Sayu choose her rooms first.
Sayu's jabbering had quieted by that point, as if she'd already let out all her pent-up energy through the day's conversations. She was dreamy, almost sleepy-looking, and before she retired she only said, "You will come home, Light?"
L said, "If he wants to, he will. I do not have any preference."
"Yes," Light said, "I'll come home."
As soon as they were locked in their own suite, L pinned him against the wall. All in one motion, L whispered in Light's ear, "We haven't had much sex lately. We should fuck. I'm on top."
Light grabbed just under L's ass, simultaneously knocking him off his feet and pulling him up until finally L was slung across Light's arms and Light was supporting all his weight.
Light carried L to the bed and flung him down, watching him flop onto the mattress with a satisfying bounce. The sheets were a shiny silk, a dark burgundy that looked almost wet.
Light climbed into bed and was quickly attacked by a very eager and clearly dominant L. L was all over him, wrapping around him, pressing him down, clutching and stroking.
Light wanted to let all his thoughts rest and give in to the pleasure, to act on the heat that was rising in his groin as L palmed the outside of the material, but he couldn't stop his mind. It was still going over events of the early morning. The tree. His confessions. L's reaction. The uncertainties of the future, of what it all meant, where it might lead.
Now that they were alone together, the unfinished conversation was pressing in on him relentlessly, demanding completion.
Light panted up at L and said, "Do you think... I was the original Kira?"
He'd never asked quite so directly, so openly before. His heart was beating fast, his mouth dry, his palms sweaty.
It was horrible. The most horrible feeling ever. To think something like that about himself.
L said, "If you were threatened by the original Kira into framing yourself, and then you managed to outsmart Kira and take away his powers permanently, I'm sure it was a spectacular trick. I wish I could have known every detail of it."
There was a wistful note of admiration in L's voice, and Light could feel his heart swelling in pride at the thought that perhaps he'd been the one to catch and punish Kira, surpassing L, a victory like no other. But L was clearly sidestepping the issue.
Light said, "That's not an answer, L."
L said, "Let me remind you of the figures you calculated yourself after more than a year of analysis. There is a one hundred percent chance that you were in the past connected with Kira in some way, a forty percent chance that Kira hopes to use you in the future whether you consent or not, a ten percent chance that Kira is a separate personality dormant within you, and a thirty percent chance that you were, in fact, the original Kira."
After a pause, Light said, "You forgot I also calculated a fifty percent chance that Kira has died by now."
L said, "I will tell you one additional fact. There is no longer any purpose to holding it back. I already have everything in place to stop Kira, if Kira should ever start murdering again, so I am as safe as I can be in these circumstances."
What will he tell me? Is this going to be his name? Is it really safe to do that?
L's eyes were huge, round, staring right through Light, a piercing, penetrating gaze.
L said, "If you were the original Kira, then I have concluded that a shinigami must be protecting Misa. Most likely Rem. It is the only possibility that fully makes sense with the other evidence. For this reason, I have resolved to never arrest Misa again. The potential cost would not be worth it. It is likely that I only narrowly escaped death the first time I arrested her. Perhaps I only lived through the experience because I imprisoned her at a location far from myself and only spoke with her using the voice filter, until after she had lost her memories and Rem was occupied with Higuchi."
This makes sense, though if I was being threatened by a shinigami, then there is no telling just how much I was being threatened into doing.
In a slightly gentler voice, L added, "Whether you are Kira... it is not important. The outcome would be the same as now, except that both of us would have something to be unhappy about."
"But you want to know, don't you, L?"
L rubbed at his nose, an angry, impatient motion, and said, "Of course I want to know. I want to know the answer to every mystery that I have ever encountered, and the Kira case is one that has occupied me for years. Yes, I want to know, but I must admit it is doubtful that I will ever receive the proof that will make me one hundred percent certain."
Light said, "I want to know too."
After a few heartbeats, Light added, "But... I really wish that I didn't kill anyone. I would like to know that I didn't kill anyone, to know it for a fact."
L nibbled his thumb, and looked, and looked, and all the anger drained out of his face.
Light reached out and touched with both hands, gently tracing L's chin, L's lips, brushing the wisps of hair away from his forehead. L let him, nibbling and nibbling on his own thumb all the while.
Almost as an afterthought, without really thinking about it, Light said, "Will you ever tell me your name?"
L pulled him close, and with a kiss, L said, "Leonard Landon."
Light laughed, and L used that opportunity to kiss again. L drew back from the kiss and said, "Linus Linderman. Lorenzo Lassiter. Lonnie Laurent. Luke Luddell."
Light whispered, "None of them are your real name."
With yet another kiss, L said, "Liam Lane."
Light sighed and said, "Congratulations, L. I'd probably never believe you even if you did tell me your true name."
L got a serious look on his face, but Light couldn't tell if it was L's customary mock-serious expression or a real one. Even after years of practice, it was not always possible to read L.
L said, "I would never do that."
Light said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked your name. I shouldn't have brought up the topic at all. I know this."
L said, "I understand. It is the most natural thing in the world to want to know the name of your lover."
L snuggled closer in his characteristic long-limbed agile grip, clinging tightly, arms and legs wrapped around everywhere. It always reminded Light of a monkey. Love with L was monkey-love, strange and wild.
L's breath was soft and warm against Light's neck, his fluffy hair tickling Light's face. It felt so peaceful and right just then that it was easy to forget that the entire relationship had been built on quite disturbing foundations in the beginning. Since then, much better work had been built over those foundations, creating a real if weird relationship, perhaps the best that an anti-social misfit like L was capable of.
Would those foundations ever erupt? Would the ugly uncertainties of the past ever become an issue of the present, tearing everything apart? Light's heart beat faster as he thought about it. Being Kira, if it were true and it somehow came out into the open; it would be the worst disaster ever.
And yet... and yet... there was something appealing about Kira, about his ideas if not his methods, something intoxicating about the concept of simply getting rid of all the bad people, those who didn't deserve to live, those who made the world a worse place. To force everyone to be good... it was a wonderful dream.
If only the world truly worked that way.
Light remembered thinking over the issue of Kira in a lot of detail, even during the times when his memory had supposedly been intact and he must have known something more about what was actually going on.
He'd thought out everything, trying to trace the full implications of Kira's plan, and Light remembered that he had decided it had to be an impractical plan.
Kira's mission was one of those really nice ideas that simply wouldn't work in real life, and it wasn't just because innocents like L and Light's own father and plenty of hard-working cops would need to die. No, if it had been simply a matter of sacrificing innocents, it would have been worth it for Kira to kill those people in order to create a utopia.
Light remembered deciding that Kira would never be able to know everything. Kira would never be able to judge perfectly, as a god should. Kira usually killed more than twenty criminals each day. How much research was Kira able to do on each case to determine who was actually guilty, or to decide who was guilty but truly remorseful? Even an hour per case was probably more time than Kira spent, but who would ever want to be judged worthy of life or death so quickly and easily? Who would want to be judged by how the media presented things?
Light barely felt L's continued kisses, L's hands beginning to snake under his clothing and gradually tug it loose.
In order to scare the majority of the world's criminals into avoiding crime, quality would have to be sacrificed for quantity. Kira's empire would become a factory of death. Details would never be allowed to slow down the schedule of killings, or it would all fall apart. Kira's scheme was simply too large to work.
And there were further problems as well. Anyone with Kira's power who tried to implement Kira's scheme would become callous and corrupted over time. It was human nature. No matter how smart or dedicated the person was in the beginning, humans weren't designed to kill their own kind over and over. Kira would kill more easily with practice, but that was not a good attribute for Kira. It would mean that Kira no longer valued humans lives, no longer considered them precious. Someone who did not appreciate the value of human life should never hold the power of life and death over the entire world.
L's breath was hot and fast in Light's ear and on his neck.
And then, the deaths piling up, the sheer ease of killing, it would eventually make anyone insane and sloppy. There would be lapses of judgment. There would be tantrums and misuses of power. Kira's mind would tear apart under the stresses. Kira would probably become more preoccupied with crushing his enemies and preventing the media from cutting off the information flow than with actually helping the world. In the end, even if it took years to get to that point, Kira would become just like any blood-drenched dictator in history, except for operating on a larger scale and using supernatural power instead of political power.
Light closed his eyes and wanted to scream. He was conscious of L slowing down, L of not doing as much, holding back, hesitating.
I fit the profile of the original Kira perfectly, and most of the people the original Kira killed are ones I would have thought worthy of death. Was I Kira? I wouldn't murder people, I know that, and yet there are too many suspicious circumstances from that time. Too much is unexplained.
If I assume I was willingly the original Kira, then it must be that I decided at some point to give it up.
But with that assumption there are also things that don't make much sense. Not unless I assume that I was being threatened or manipulated by someone other than Misa, which puts me right back in the same place as before: not guilty. No matter which way I think of things, there is no solution to the puzzle that explains everything perfectly.
And if Misa's shinigami demanded that I be Kira, then perhaps I had no choice. But I did get out; I did escape at last. No matter what I once did in service of Kira, I no longer do it.
Light opened his eyes and said, "L, I was wrong. I won't ask your name ever again. I know it is possible Kira could be listening somehow, and saying your name could lead to everyone's deaths. You, my father, myself, plus plenty of others."
L brought his face up, looking into Light's eyes from so close their noses were nearly touching. L's black eyes were as wide and strange as they'd ever been, full of mystery and depth.
L said, "There's no need to be so melodramatic, Light. I told you it's a natural urge. Of course you will ask for my name again someday. When you do, I simply won't tell you. There is no problem."
"But I shouldn't-"
L's mouth moved forward in a kiss, capturing Light's lips and cutting off all sound. Light felt L taking control of the kiss. L was moving his lips and tongue forcefully against Light's mouth, while the dark pools of his eyes were staring and staring with a strange kind of lust sparking in the depths. Light had the sense just then that L experienced him as a tantalizing enigma, just as he experienced L in the same way. The mystery of each other would never really be solved, and that was tremendously exciting... so much exploring would always be waiting for them to indulge in, together.
Light found himself pressing back hard, responding, his breathing speeding up, his mind clouding with pleasure. Nothing else mattered, except the present moment, the pressing of skin against skin, nearly out of their clothing now, tangled, their bodies closer and closer, producing such heat, such mutual need.
L drew back from the kiss, watching Light, stroking the sides of Light's jaws, cupping his chin gently. Something about L's face was incredibly tender in that moment.
L said, "If you never again wished to know my name, I would think a stranger had replaced you. You wouldn't be Light Yagami any more."
Light stroked L's torso, moving his hands up and lightly tracing fingers along the ribs, feeling L's warmth and the movement of his breathing. The man Light held was a study in contrasts, having a strength that belied his thin chest and spindly frame, and an intelligence that belied his sloppy appearance. L was delicate and hard all at once, fragile and dangerous, childish and yet far more capable than most adults.
Light said, "I know you never answer me when I ask, but please, just this one time, I want to know. Do you love me?"
After a pause, L said, "I love Light Yagami, but Kira is my enemy. I am not sure whether Light and Kira reside in the same body or not. If they do share a body, I am not sure how much of Kira is in Light, or whether Light is redeemable separately from Kira."
Light wrapped his arms around L and squeezed him so hard that he grunted.
L barely managed to gasp out, "That is not satisfactory? I'm really no good at this."
"No," Light said, "it's exactly the answer I've been looking for."
- 33
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Fever Dreams