The Key to My Heart

Author: JadeHeart
Fandom: Gravitation (after the manga/anime finishes)
Warnings: bad language, angst
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this, they belong to the creators of ‘Gravitation’.


Chapter 35


Tohma leant back in his chair, turning sideways to look out the window. He drew a hand across his eyes, willing it to banish the tiredness dragging at him. He had had a late night finalizing some contracts and pouring over the legal ramifications well into the early morning. He tapped his fingers on the edge of his desk, a long-standing habit of his when thinking deeply. A quiet knock at the door made him turn his head in that direction.

“Enter,” he called out.

The door opened and Sakano stepped in, files in hand. He crossed the floor to stand directly before the desk, automatically pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

Tohma raised a hand to hide his smile. That gesture was nothing more than a habit, just as his finger tapping was. Sakano’s eyesight actually wasn’t that bad and, if he wanted to, he didn’t necessarily have to wear his glasses all the time at all. Once, after a couple of drinks, Sakano had finally admitted that he began wearing them permanently so he would look older as so many people thought he was more youthful than his years. Not surprising really. Tohma agreed with them entirely. Sakano’s lean physique, coupled with his unlined and unblemished skin did make him look quite young still. Tohma had had to contend with that sort of thinking for most of his business years, and still did. It could be very tiresome to feel that you were constantly having to justify your abilities based on someone else’s perception of your age. To combat this, he had developed an aloof, all-knowing demeanor with an iron will to support it. Sakano, being a far gentler and mild-mannered person, wore glasses and groveled abjectly to everyone, and for everything. Both were merely mechanisms to get by in their world.

“Mr. President, you wanted to be told when Shindou arrived. He’s in Studio One at present.”

“Ah, yes,” Tohma swiveled his chair around fully so he was facing Sakano. “And how is he today?”

Another push of the glasses. “He seems in good spirits. I would almost hazard to say he was well and truly back to normal.”

“Hmm,” Tohma smiled up at Sakano. “Well, let me know how the day progresses for him.”

“Yes, sir.” Sakano bowed and hurried from the room, quietly closing the door behind him.

Tohma turned his chair again, once more returning his contemplation to the outside view. Today was the first day for Shindou to actually be recording. He had been coming to NG Productions for the past two weeks to work with the band, practicing his vocals, trying to get a ‘feel’ for the band and their music again. During this time, his relationship with Nakano and Fujisaki had deepened also so now, when watching the three together, no-one would think they had not been close friends for some time. Even the bickering between Shindou and Fujisaki seemed completely natural and normal.

Tohma had been able to observe these interactions quietly at various times during the course of the last fortnight; watching from a distance, often behind the glass of the recording studios, unobtrusively standing in a corner when the antics inevitably ensued. You couldn’t not put that mix of personalities together in the same room without something happening. Even he had to smile when the antics turned to the completely bizarre, with numerous firearms appearing as K threatened bodily harm, Sakano swam in a puddle of tears on the floor, Suguru slumped over his synthesizer and moaned in despair, whilst Nakano smiled calmly at the site of Shindou attempting to replicate Swan Lake’s ballet to the beat of ‘Spicy Marmalade’. He shook his head at the memory. How they managed to be the biggest selling product for NG was almost beyond comprehension when you saw all that going on!

Yet it had seemed to him, as he had watched over the last few weeks, that Shindou was responding far more naturally to all the group, including both Sakano and K. It appeared that the young man had finally accepted, and become far more comfortable, with being ‘Shuichi Shindou’.

However, today would be the real test. Could Shuichi Shindou still perform at the same peak he had previously as the lead singer of Bad Luck? Today would be very telling. Today could determine if Bad Luck remained with NG Productions or would it be out. If Shindou could no longer perform, if his voice could no longer produce those exceptional vocals, there was more serious consideration to be undertaken.

There were options. Tohma Seguchi always believed in options. If Shindou was still an adequate lyricists then he could perhaps be kept on in that capacity and a suitable lead singer could be found to replace him. In those circumstances, then Bad Luck had a chance of continuing. Even without Shindou as the singer they still potentially had the chance of maintaining their fan-base for some time to come. If a new singer could then prove to be as popular as Shindou had been, the fan base would continue and possibly a new one develop. It had some possibilities, but there were a great many variables also. Tohma didn’t like variables, he liked certainties.

He rubbed his eyes again. However, that was beside the point at this stage. They had to get through today first.

He glanced at the phone on the desk. He had been wondering if he should call Eiri and invite him to the studio to see Shindou recording. He thought it might do him good to get out of the house, to have a change of scenery. He had been cooped up inside since his return to Japan nearly six weeks ago. Tohma was well aware that his brother-in-law had immediately thrown himself back into work; out of necessity and, he suspected, a desire to keep as busy as possible so as not to think about a certain someone.

He sighed. Eiri still ran away when he was bothered, still buried his emotions in self-imposed exile when he was hurting the most. No matter how far it seemed he had come through his relationship with Shindou, it seemed that some things just don’t change.

He frowned, still staring at the phone. Should he? He pursed his lips and reluctantly looked away. No, there was no point asking Eiri to come. He already knew what the answer would be – a sharp, emphatic ‘NO!’. Much like when he had called to tell him when Shindou and the others were flying back into Japan. He had invited him to join them at the airport to welcome them back. The answer had been the same then.

Tohma pushed back the chair and stood, moving to stand directly before the window. He closed his eyes for a moment, tilting his head back, feeling the warmth of the sun on his face. It was soothing, almost like a gentle caress across his cheek.

A soft smile curved his lips. It reminded him of Mika’s touch. She would be cross with him for staying out all night again. His smile deepened as he opened his eyes and blinked a little in the bright sunlight. She would scold him when he returned home and berate him for his thoughtlessness and his carelessness for his own health, and then promptly draw him a hot bath and give him a wonderful massage. He sighed happily. Oh, yes, he was looking forward to getting home today. Perhaps he would be able to get away a little earlier. Mika’s massages really were worth dying for, and if he was home earlier enough he would be able to reciprocate. Mika’s weak spot was her feet, something he was sure no-one else knew, not even Eiri. She just melted with a good foot rub and he just loved seeing her like that. The look of beautification on her face at the ecstasy she was feeling just sent tingles all through his body, especially to his groin. Seeing her like that just made him love her all the more, even after all this time. He took a deep breath. He would have to endeavor to do his best to clear his schedule today. He wanted to get home!

He turned his back on the window, resolutely dragging his mind away from the wonderful images of his beautiful wife in the throes of passion, to try and concentrate on the problems at hand. Namely Shuichi Shindou. And Eiri.

Eiri was defiantly avoiding Shindou, there was no mistaking that and Tohma wasn’t quite certain what to do about it. He had let Shindou go directly home with his family after he had arrived back in Japan, allowing him two weeks in that comforting presence, reestablishing that bond. It had seemed to be beneficial as the youth had seemed far more relaxed and his memories of his childhood and school years had seemed to come back to him almost fully after that time. He had admitted that there still were some gaps but these seemed to be decreasing every day. Upon his return to NG Productions he had seemed much more like himself; a little more of the previous manic personality beginning to show through, though it was slightly less than before, thank goodness. That was the one single grace from his ordeal as far as Tohma was concerned!

However Shindou did seem to be much more like himself now than when he had first arrived. He knew that Nakano and Fujisaki had spent a considerable amount of time staying with him in the apartment they had set up, helping him settle in, keeping him company. Sakano had reported that he didn’t appear to find the flat strange in any way, and with some of his familiar items like clothes and personal effects there, he had accepted it as his own. The support of his band-mates probably helped cement that feeling.

So everything had been going quite smoothly during the transition of Shuichi Shindou back into the person he once was. There had only been that one incident.

His eyes narrowed in remembered anger. Unfortunately Shindou had recalled his… misfortune with Aizawa.

Tohma remembered the cold feeling that had crashed over him when Suguru had burst through his door, without knocking, forcefully enough to send the heavy door crashing back against the wall, gasping out that Shindou was having a breakdown.

Standing there, bent over, hands on knees, breathing heavily between each word, Suguru explained that they had been watching Bad Luck’s first performance as the supporting act for Ask, when Shindou had looked like he had seen a ghost and fled the room.

Immediately Tohma guessed what Shindou had remembered. He cursed himself then for being such a fool, something he was not used to thinking of himself. It had been at his suggestion that Shindou watch those tapes, it was he who had led him down that path. Even as he berated himself for not thinking things through properly, for not realizing what such a thing could do, he was detouring to the coat closet near the door, snagging a blanket from the shelf inside, and ignoring the rain of hats that fell around his feet, hurried out the door, his cousin at his heels.

He didn’t run. Tohma Seguchi did not run anywhere, ever, but he did lengthen his stride, and for all his short stature, his legs were long and he covered the distance in a ground-eating stride that had Suguru jogging to keep up. Nobody stopped him. The fixed looked on his face more than told anyone who looked that now would not be a good time to disturb the President, and personnel melted from his path as he swept past them.

They soon arrived at the floor Suguru had only recently left. A quick glance through the open lounge door showed K standing by the window, polishing his gun with forceful motions, and Sakano sitting huddled on the couch wringing his hands. They both looked up as he moved past the door but he didn’t stop and soon left them behind. He paused outside the lavatory door and turned to his cousin, giving him precise instructions to keep everyone away from this floor and to clear the area. He then turned and pushed through the door knowing he could trust Suguru to carry out his task to the letter.

He remembered clearly the scene he had come across as he had walked into the bathroom. Shindou was curled tightly in a ball almost entirely in Nakano’s lap, the older youth holding him tightly. Nakano had looked up as he had entered, his eyes haunted and pained for the hurt his friend was experiencing. Tohama saw his arms tighten protectively around Shindou as though daring him to do anything. He had no intention of doing anything to the wounded creature before him. He had walked past the evidence of Shindou’s breakdown on the floor and tightly wrapped the blanket around the shivering form.

He had looked Nakano in the eye and said, “Take him home.”, then stood and left to give them some privacy. Shindou would not appreciate learning later that his breakdown had been witnessed by others so the fewer people involved the better. Nakano was the best person to help him through this time and he had done just that. It had been extremely fortunate in one way that this cascade of memories had occurred at work with his best friend close at hand to help. It might have been a lot worse if it had occurred whilst Shindou was alone at his apartment with no support. Tohma didn’t like to think what could have happened then.

It had taken some time for Shindou to work through those memories, but he had managed to do so and eventually he had been able to put it in a little more perspective, though the emotional ramifications would be likely to continue to surface for some time yet. The recall of those memories meant it was very much like he was re-living that whole sordid time all over again, with the full emotional overload to go with it. Tohma would not wish that on anyone. He, of all people, was only too well aware of the far-reaching effects of such an event.

He sighed softly, stretching his arms upwards, feeling the shoulder joints pop loudly. Ahhh! He dropped his arms feeling better.

He still didn’t know what to do about those two. With Eiri avoiding Shindou the way he was, he didn’t know if he should take more obvious steps to bring them together. It sometimes seemed that the Fates were conspiring against these two. No matter what he, Jim, Shindou’s family and friends, even Ryuichi did, the two of them seemed destined to remain apart.

Tohma’s lips thinned. He was not one to accept ‘destiny’ lying down. He was used to ‘shaping’ destiny to suit his purposes! It was a problem he would have to consider more carefully before deciding on a course of action.

He turned and reseated himself, opening the file on his desk. There was still work to do and his schedule was full. The President bent to his tasks for the day. He really wanted that massage!

************

Shuichi shuddered a little as the rain struck him coldly, the large drops falling with enough force as to almost hurt when they hit. He ran up the path through the downpour berating himself for not having an umbrella or a thicker sweater on but this morning the sky had been clear and he hadn’t been expecting the weather to come in so quickly. His mad dash quickly brought him under cover at the front door before he was more than a little wet from the rain and he stepped inside his apartment thankfully, shaking his head like a dog so that droplets of water spun outwards to fall to the floor.

He dropped his bag and kicked off his shoes in the hall and immediately went and threw himself prone on the couch with a heartfelt sigh, for the moment ignoring the dampness of his clothes.

He looked around his apartment. It was neat and tidy - if you didn’t go into the bedroom! THAT resembled something like a refuse dumping ground! You probably wouldn’t want to look too closely, as it could be quite scary as to what you might find! He wasn’t a naturally slovenly person, but he just found that the bedroom was where he tended to spend most of his time and it was easier to just leave everything where he left it than try to put it away properly each time. So things just seemed to…accumulate from there.

He surveyed his abode, a small possessive smile on his face. He liked this place. Okay it was small, but he hardly needed anything bigger, not when it was just for himself. There was still plenty of room if Hiro or Suguru decided to stay over for the night as they had done so at times. His smile broadened and he chuckled at the memory that came to him. The last time his two band-mates had come over they had got into a drinking competition. Let’s just say, Suguru wasn’t feeling too well the next morning! A laugh escaped him. Oh, yes, it had been so funny. He hadn’t been so foolish as to join them. One thing he had remembered only too well was that he did not hold his liquor well, and Hiro certainly did. He wasn’t going to fall for that one! Suguru really should have known better!

He stretched both arms and legs fully, feeling the muscles tighten, then relax as he settled back again. He felt comfortable in this apartment, but it still seemed odd to him that he actually couldn’t seem to remember it. Some of the items in it he could, but he pictured them somewhere different. He now knew that some of those memories were of the items when he was still living at home but it seemed that they had been…somewhere else. He sighed softly. He had probably moved around a few times before settling here. Besides, it didn’t really matter. They were just things.

He gazed towards the kitchen. He really wanted a coffee, a nice hot milky coffee. And a shower. Just as hot, though he would pass on the milky bit. Cleopatra may have liked bathing in milk for her complexion but he didn’t think he needed to go to those lengths just yet! His brow furrowed. Surely the milk would curdle if the bath was hot? Yuk, as he thought of the milk skim clinging around him. He shuddered. How gross!

He could see the coffee machine on the bench, beckoning him. He looked at it with puppy-dog eyes but it didn’t magically obey his wish and begin to boil. He sighed again. How inconsiderate. He would actually have to get up and do it himself.

He sat up and swung his legs off the couch to stand and dragged himself towards his goal. He leant on the bench, listening to the quiet burbling of the coffee machine at work. It was a very soothing sound really. He glanced over towards where one of his game sets lay on the floor. He contemplated the idea for a moment but then dismissed it just as quickly. He didn’t feel like playing anything just now. No, a coffee and a hot shower would suit him fine.

He sighed again, nestling his head further on his folded arms. He did like his apartment but he couldn’t help but feel….. lonely sometimes. It seemed that there should be….someone else here. Every time he walked in the door he always seemed to expect someone to be waiting for him. He had thought at first that it was due to the fact that he had been living with Annette so some time, but that didn’t seem right somehow. He didn’t miss the feminine touches around the place – Annette would have been horrified at the state of his bedroom for one thing and would have promptly set about putting it to rights! That thought made him chuckle. No, it wasn’t that distinct touch that Annette had put on things. In fact, for some reason, he kept on expecting the aroma of smoke and beer. Two things that Annette had never touched.

Perhaps that was from his time spent with Eiri Yuki. An image of the man flashed before him – tall, blond hair, hazel eyes that could pierce right through you. He could picture him clearly, sitting in his study, hunched over his lap top, typing, glasses on his nose. Now why did he picture glasses? He had never seen Yuki wear them when they met in Canada. He half smiled. It must be another memory. Everyone had confirmed that he and Yuki had lived together, so he guessed that is where he had seen the man like that. And he knew he smoked and drank. He sniffed the air, half expecting to smell the cigarettes. It made him feel almost nostalgic. Was he actually…missing it?

He hadn’t seen Yuki since returning to Japan more than six weeks ago. The day after he had returned home, Tohma Seguchi had called him to see if he had settled in and if there was anything he had needed. It had taken all his courage to ask him if Yuki had arrived home safely and if he was better now. That thought had been worrying him constantly, so much so that he had seemed to have had a permanent headache since learning of Yuki’s collapse in New York. Tohma had assured him though that Yuki was fine and there was no need to worry. He didn’t elaborate any further, and Shuichi didn’t enquire any more. It hadn’t seemed like his place to pry into Yuki’s private life although he couldn’t stop a part of him wanting desperately to know more. He had wanted to see for himself that Yuki was okay, feeling that just by being able to see the man again would lift this worrying weight from his shoulders, but he didn’t know how to ask Tohma if he could do so. It had seemed far too presumptuous of him to ask for Yuki’s address or number so he had clamped down on that thought and remained silent.

He glanced at the crumpled card on the corner of the bench. It had a scrawled number on it, partially faded now. It was the number that Yuki had given to him, back in Quebec. He had wanted to call it so many times, but every time he had picked up the phone to do so his courage had fled him and he had hung up. He really didn’t have anything specific to speak to the man about. He would just be bothering him for now reason. He sighed. He was such a coward.

He had returned to his apartment here a couple of weeks later and taken the time to become re-accustomed to everything. It had been an odd feeling arriving here. Hiro had come with him to give some moral support for which he was grateful. He had felt a flood of trepidation as he had walked through the door that first time, as though he didn’t know quite what to expect.

However, it all proved to be quite anti-climatic. His apartment was quite ordinary, nothing garish or strange, no chains hanging from the ceiling or handcuffs in the bedroom, or anything else that was bizarre.

When he had spotted his game consoles he couldn’t stop the crow of delight as he made a bee-line directly towards it, fingers automatically flying over the switches, turning it on and starting up the game immediately. Hiro had just laughed at him and sat cross-legged on the floor by his side, picking up the other hand set and they had comfortably settled in for an all-nighter. He had felt quite at home after that.

It was like that when he had first returned home with his family as well. So many things came back to him from the moment that they pulled up in front of the family house. Maiko had grabbed his hand and dragged him through every room before ending up in his old bedroom. It was very neat as it was now reserved as a guest room for visitors. Maiko shuffled her feet a little as she explained that he hadn’t been living at home for a number of years and most of his things he had taken with him when he moved out of home. Maiko assured him that the few remaining items left behind had been boxed up and stored safely and that they hadn’t thrown anything away.

***********

Maiko looked around the room and Shuichi could see her eyes mist up.

“It can’t be much fun for you to come home and see it like this,” she had said a little brokenly. “Sorry.”

He was amazed. Maiko was actually apologizing for the fact that the room hadn’t been left as his. He laughed at her and reached out to give her a hug.

“Don’t be silly! What an idiot you are for thinking such a thing. Why should it still be my room if I’m not even living here?”

“You still come and visit sometimes though!” Maiko said suddenly, turning towards him quickly, holding his arms. “You do, and you stay here still! You’ll still do that, won’t you?”

He smiled at her warmly, “Of course I will, stupid.”

He heard her soft sigh. “I’m glad!”

Suddenly a thought came to him and he walked to the closet, sliding the doors open. He peered into the dark depths, his nose twitching at the strong smell of camphor. He began to laugh. Sure enough, there on the underneath of the top shelf was a poster of Nittle Grasper pasted to the underside.

“What?” Maiko asked, coming closer and looking inside also. “Oh!” Her eyes widened and smile spread across her face. He laughed harder at her expression. “I had no idea that was there, and I even helped Mum clean up and redecorate in here!” She turned to look at her smiling brother. “Mum couldn’t have seen it either!”

Shuichi looked fondly back at the poster. “Mum didn’t like me putting up too many posters on the walls because she said they would damage them but I had this special signed one from the last concert I had gone to and I really wanted to have it up somewhere that I could see it. So,” he nodded towards the inside of the closet. “That was the only place left for me to put it. In there I could see it every day when I changed my clothes!”

“I can get it off for you,” Maiko offered. “so you can take it back with you.”

“Nah,” he said, reaching out to slide the door closed again. He turned to his sister with a wink and a smile. “Let’s leave it here. I wonder how long it will take before Mum does find it!”

Maiko grinned back at him. “Okay, it’s our secret!”

He held out his hand. “Pinky promise?”

She smiled impishly and linked her finger with his. “Pinky promise!” she said, and they shook on it.

*********

Those couple of weeks with his family had been wonderful. He had walked through the familiar streets, gone back to his old school, met people and relatives from his past. Everything he did was new and exciting, and yet old and familiar at the same time. Even having an argument with Maiko nearly made him cry with joy.

When he had received the call from Tohma Seguchi at the end of the fortnight asking him if he was willing to return to NG Productions, he had felt more than ready to do so. During the time with his family he had found himself singing and playing his old synthesizer, that he had dug out of storage, more and more and his nerves had felt like they were buzzing at the thought of being back in the studio and recording again. He really did want to be in Bad Luck!

So upon his return to town he had found himself so busy with getting back with the band and working long hours at the studio that he had had little time to do much else. His entire world revolved around his music at this time.

However, in the back of his mind there were still thoughts of Yuki. He had kept hoping that he would run into him at the studio perhaps as Tohma was his brother-in-law, but so far he hadn’t seen the man once. He really did want to see him again; to know that he was all right, to thank him for coming to find him. He wanted to talk to him about the time they had lived together; what did they do, what did they talk about. His mind was remaining frustratingly blank on that time no matter how much he tried to compel it to recall something…anything! He just really wanted to know!

He had thought again and again about approaching Yuki, but he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he didn’t want to see him. He didn’t have the right to impose on the man further. Perhaps Yuki felt that he had done his job of finding Shuichi and that was it. He kept hoping that Yuki would phone him, or make some effort to contact him but there had been nothing. Not a word.

He sighed as he poured the coffee and walked back to the couch. He took a sip and sucked in some air as the hot liquid scalded his tongue. Ouch, that hurt! He carefully put the mug onto the table before him and lay back down on the couch. He would let it cool a little more.

He wriggled his shoulders to get more comfortable, shifting a cushion under his head for more support. Work had been really hard over the past month, for all of them. Everyone at NG Productions involved with Bad Luck was working as hard as he was. There was so much that he needed to do, he had to try so hard to reach that pinnacle he achieved previously as the lead singer of Bad Luck.

He took up swimming, every day going to the pool both morning and evening. The swimming helped with his breath control and building up the muscle strength in his torso and lungs. He had felt like he was drowning the first lap he did. Hiro informed him that he had seriously considered diving in to rescue him he looked so bad. He had improved tremendously since then and now enjoyed those couple of hours each day. It was a relaxing way to end a day also, to let the whole body be buoyed by the water, taking the strain away after being on his feet for so many hours.

So he continued working – damn hard. He had spent long hours on vocal lessons, going over the exercises monotonously. It may have been boring but he was only too well aware that his vocal chords were unused to the strain after the long hiatus. He may have done some singing whilst in America but he hadn’t been trying to reach the heights he was aiming for now. And if he didn’t retrain his voice properly he could do some real, and permanent, damage. If he was impatient he could end his career before it had even begun. So he was going to do this properly and he was going to do it right, no matter how long it took or how hard it was. He wasn’t going to let anyone down by not giving it his all. But more importantly, he wasn’t going to let himself down!

Today they had continued in the recording studio as they had been for the past few weeks. He had sung and sung, over and over, until he had finally felt satisfied he was singing to the same level as he had before. It had been truly helpful to be able to listen to his previous recordings and compare the sound from then to how he sounded now. The others had said they couldn’t tell much difference towards the end of the session but he could and, judging from the final acknowledging nod from Tohma, who had been standing in for most of the session, he could also.

That brief nod had made him feel better immediately. He knew that he and Tohma Seguchi hadn’t always got along. Some of his memories that had been returning had put Tohma in a particularly unpleasant light, but he also did acknowledge that when it came to music Tohma had an ‘ear’ for the best.

He reached out and picked up his coffee, taking a cautious sip, and then a larger swallow as it no longer burnt his mouth. Ah, yes, caffeine! One of the world’s greatest inventions – along with Pocky!

Tohma Seguchi, what a man. Part of Nittle Grasper, one of the most successful bands in Japanese pop culture, President of NG Productions, a shrewd businessman – and a complete asshole!

Shuichi frowned darkly. He never knew if he liked him or hated him. Tohma seemed to be one of those people that you loved to hate. Though he honestly didn’t know if he wanted Tohma out of his life. Sometimes he knew that he thought that, but really…? How would he really feel if Tohma wasn’t there? The thought just didn’t even compute in his brain. Tohma was a permanent fixture in his life. He valued the man’s opinion, not that he always agreed with it, and as much as he hated to admit it, most of the time Tohma was right. It was an extremely irritating habit he had!

As more of his memories of NG Productions returned he had confronted Tohma over some of them, not certain if they really were true or not. He had found him completely forthright, blunt and to the point when answering his demanding questions. Tohma had held nothing back, acknowledging everything Shuichi had said, even if it did seem to paint himself in a bad light. That blunt honesty had actually been comforting in a way. Tohma Seguchi was the one person who didn’t try and mollycoddle him, or treat him like spun glass as though he was too brittle to touch. He knew that his friends and family were only thinking of his well-being and not wanting to shock him about anything, but he was beginning to find this care frustrating. He just wanted to know, he didn’t need protecting any longer! Tohma…well, if he asked Tohma a question, Tohma would give him an honest answer with no procrastination. It was refreshing.

However, he still felt like Tohma was waiting for him to ask something else, a certain specific question that he was waiting to give the answer to. He could see it in the man’s eyes, that waiting, when he looked at him over his steepled hands as he sat behind his large desk, but he didn’t know what the question was that he was supposed to ask. It was a nagging feeling that he was missing some vital information but he just didn’t know what it was that he was missing! Without the right question he knew Tohma wouldn’t give him the answer.

With a sigh he rolled onto his side. Yes, today had been tiring but it had been good as well. He was happy with the outcome and it seemed that Bad Luck was back in business from what Tohma had indicated. K and Sakano had been nearly beside themselves with glee. He still found those two quite incomprehensible most of the time. They were the oddest couple he had ever come across and yet they seemed to …go together. For all their differences, both in personalities and style of business, they seemed to be able to work in perfect tandem to eventually get what needed to be done, done. Sometimes it would seem that a miracle would be needed to accomplish what they were trying to do, but those two still somehow managed to pull it off.

Whenever he thought of the two of them it always brought a smile to his face, just as it did now, feeling his lips twitch. He had needed that comic interplay around him after learning about…

He wrapped his arms around himself, his knees automatically drawing closer to his chest. He tried to fight the reaction, tried to calm his rapidly beating heart. Deep breaths, he told himself. Take deep slow breaths. He wouldn’t let it beat him! He had been almost catatonic as the cascade of memories overflowed in his mind when it had happened. Not this time!

Unable to prevent it he recalled how it had happened. One moment he was watching a video tape of their first concert so he could see what Bad Luck had been like at the start. The next....

The next he had been doubled over in a cold sweat, shaking so hard his bones ached, gagging as he fled to the bathroom to be violently ill. He didn’t make it to the toilet stall, he didn’t make it to the basin even. He had fallen to his knees on the floor and threw up, retching until there was nothing left in his stomach.

Hiro had followed and found him, huddled on the cold tile floor in a corner, shaking and weeping, a fever burning through his soul. It was Hiro who had held him, rocking him like a baby, holding him close to his chest, speaking soothingly as he howled silently into his friend’s broad chest.

He had clung to that warmth desperately, trying to dispel the coldness that froze his very heart, letting Hiro’s words wash over him, although at first he couldn’t even comprehend the words being spoken. Through his hysterical sobs and cries and garbled speech, Hiro had held him, tried to calm him and assure him that it wasn’t his fault, it never had been his fault, and everything would be all right.

It was there that Tohma came to them. He remembered that, remembered seeing the man through his tears. He was too upset to feel embarrassed about the President of NG Productions seeing him in such a state. He didn’t care in the least. He couldn’t even feel surprise as the man had knelt by his side and gently wrapped a blanket around his body, saying nothing. He was far too traumatized to wonder about Tohma’s presence at that time. Later he realized that someone must have told him - he didn’t know who.

He hardly remembered Hiro taking him home, helping him into a shower, putting him to bed. It had taken Hiro all night to finally calm him down enough for him to fall into an exhausted sleep in the early hours of the next morning. His friend had sat up all night talking to him, clarifying every harsh brutal image that his mind was showing him, every emotion that was trying to tear him apart. Hiro kept talking, putting it in perspective, telling him the history behind what had happened, the ‘why’s’.

Though even now, he couldn’t understand the ‘why’. Why had Taki really needed to do that? He could understand the need to be the best, that drive, that desire to be the one on top. But to get there at the expense of another’s hurt? To not want to just beat the competition but to completely destroy? That he couldn’t understand at all.

He let out a shaky breathe, calming down a little. It still affected him, but Hiro had been right, it wasn’t as bad anymore. He probably had previously worked through it all so perhaps that was helping give him some balance.

He looked at the clock. It was too late to call Annette again. He felt a little guilty. He hadn’t spoken to her for nearly more than two weeks. He had called as soon as he arrived as promised and she had already retuned to their home in Quebec. He had made a point of calling her every couple of days, telling her of his days, things he had done with his family and all his new memories. She had been really pleased for him. He had wished her luck as her exams were beginning at that time. He smiled fondly. He knew that she would do well.

She’s probably busy and tired right now, he thought. She doesn’t need me bothering her at the moment.

Also, and he had to be brutally honest with himself, he didn’t want to speak to her at the moment. Not after remembering…well, that. How could he tell her about what had happened to him before? What could he say to her? Would she understand? Would she be able to look at him the same?

He sighed again, and rolled onto his back once more. He was beginning to feel a little chilled as the dampness of his clothes reached his skin. He had better get into a shower now before he caught a cold. That would really stuff up his voice, and, boy, would Tohma be mad!

He had wondered if Yuki knew about that...incident. That had really bothered him at the time, so much so that he had finally blurted out his concern to Hiro whilst crying on his shoulder. He didn’t know why Yuki had come so immediately to mind when he was literally having a mental breakdown. He still couldn’t understand why it had been so important to him to know the answer right then and there. He remembered feeling so afraid that Yuki would feel nothing but contempt for him at letting such a thing happen to himself. That Yuki would hate him now that he had been so degraded.

Hiro had firmly grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him until he stopped babbling and told him, yes, Yuki knew about it, but he understood. Hiro told him that it was Yuki who had protected him afterwards, confronting Taki and retrieving the incriminating film. He had slumped in relief as Hiro had stroked his hair and told him that Yuki didn’t blame him, or hate him, or think anything less of him because of it. He had continued to weep but some of those tears were ones of relief at hearing those words.

He remembered thinking over and over in his mind how wonderful it was that Yuki had done that for him. He had been so overwhelmed by the feelings of gratitude that there was someone who would go to those lengths for him. It had warmed his very soul and relieved his mind a little. He knew that he couldn’t have faced Yuki again, knowing now what he did, if he also wasn’t aware of it. He wouldn’t have been able to look at that beautiful face feeling so dirty and defiled. That Yuki had been with him through that time, that he understood and had still stood by him, that meant so very much to him.

He sat up and drank the last of the almost cold coffee, screwing up his nose a little at the bitterness. Time for that shower, and made his way to the bathroom. The next few weeks were going to be just as busy. Tohma had already handed him his notebooks where he would scribble his lyrics and informed him that they were the ones that he had been working on for the next album and they really couldn’t delay much longer in putting out the next CD. Shuichi remembered that magnanimous smile that Tohma always wore as he told him that he had better start getting to work now. He had really wanted to wipe that smile off Tohma’s face, but instead all he had done was take the books with a pout.

He stepped under the hot stream of water, an involuntary shudder of pleasure at the warmth rippling his muscles. Ahh, nice! Yes, it looked like he was going to be really busy.