The Key to My Heart

Author: JadeHeart
Fandom: Gravitation (after the manga finishes)
Warnings: bad language, angst

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this, they belong to the creators of ‘Gravitation’, except for Jim Harris.


The Key to My Heart: Chapter 36


He pushed the door open with his shoulder as his hands were full, using his foot to kick it shut behind him. Toeing off his shoes, he went straight to the kitchen to divest himself of his load. His precious cargo was settled carefully on the bench. He didn’t want it disturbed too much. He opened the fridge and laid the contents inside the almost empty space. Now it didn’t look quite so bare, filled with the essentials in life. Beer and strawberry shortcake, that was much better.

He closed the door and turned to the coffee machine, then shrugged out of his jacket, leaving the coffee to brew as he walked back to hang his coat in the hall. He hadn’t bothered getting any further groceries. He hadn’t really felt like cooking since he had returned. If he did decide to eat anything, other than a liquid diet, he would order take-away and generally have it delivered so as to avoid even having to leave the house. He didn’t like having to go out.

He made his way back to the kitchen, propping himself against the sink as he cracked open a can and drank the beer. By the time the coffee was ready he would have finished this can. He felt a stab of pain through his stomach and winced, one hand automatically resting on the aching portion of his body. He took a deep breath until the pain subsided, before letting it go in a long exhalation. Damn, it was starting again.

He turned his head to glare at the tiny bottles lined up in a row on the bench top like little soldiers in battle formation. Well, in a way they were just that. Soldiers to fight against the ulcer eating away at his insides. Though sometimes he wasn’t too certain who was winning. At this point in time there seemed to be a parley underway. If all went well both parties would retreat and peace would reign. If it didn’t go smoothly…Well, he could see that he would probably be having a close encounter with the hospital once more. And then have to put up with the incessant mothering of Tohma, and Mika. Since the birth of Mika’s child she had become so damn clucky and was already talking of having another. However, until she produced another rug-rat, her mothering instincts had seemed focused back on Yuki. Between her and Tohma they were driving him quite mad!

With a long-suffering sigh, he reached out and picked up the first of the bottles and tipped the small pill into his hand. He glared at it but that didn’t make it go away, nor did it cringe in terror at his glance. No respect. Another sigh and he reached out to methodically go through the rest of the bottles until his cupped hand has sprayed with multi-coloured dots. Taking a deep breath he tossed them all into his mouth and washed them down with two large swallows of beer. He knew perfectly well that he shouldn’t be using alcohol to do that, and that he was ignoring some of the warnings on the labels that certain ones should only be taken with food, or before food, or after food, but he was beyond caring. He would have his coffee, have some cake, throw up later, and sleep. They should do their fucking job without any additional help from him!

The coffee was ready and he poured a cup. Picking it up, he dropped his empty beer can in the bin as he passed by, and made his way to his study. He still had work to do. He had just taken a brief respite from it by his trip to the store for much needed suppliers. He leant back in his chair closing his eyes as he brought the coffee cup closer to his face. He inhaled deeply to savour the aroma. Hmm, lovely. Keeping his eyes closed he took the first sip and felt himself relax. He was so tense lately. He knew that time was ticking away on his deadline but it’s not like that hadn’t happened before. It seemed that he just couldn’t seem to relax – ever.

He opened his eyes, looking inwards, automatically taking another sip. It had been two months. Two long months since he had returned home to Japan. Returned home alone.

He had been glad to leave North America. Glad to leave all the horrific memories and heartache associated with that continent behind. As he had stepped onto the plane, a wave of tremendous relief had flooded through him. He was going home. Finally.

He had even managed to sleep on the flight, something that he never usually did. Perhaps it would have seemed strange to some people that he would have been so relaxed flying after all that had happened in those past six months. Especially considering how the whole mess had started. But there were no thoughts of crashes, no thoughts of death and dying and loss - there was just relief.

He had felt so relieved to be able to head home to familiar surroundings, back to the country of his birth. He was eager to hear his native tongue spoken once more, to walk in the park, to see the flickering lights of his city. He was looking forward to returning to his own apartment, to be able to walk through the rooms, touch his own things, know exactly where to find everything, and to wake up in his own bed.

******************

Jim had dropped him off at the airport as he had promised. He hadn’t said much to the man on the drive out or as they stood there facing each other for a moment before Yuki had to pass through the final doors.

Jim cocked his head to one side and smiled crookedly at him, “Things don’t always work out how we would have liked, do they?”

Yuki had caught the edge of pain in those words. Yes, it would seem that Jim understood only too well. He never had found out how Jim and Tohma knew each other. It was probably going to be something he would never know.

Jim thrust out his hand to him which Yuki automatically took. He felt something hard in the grasp; small, cold, metallic. As their grip parted he looked at the object in the palm of his hand. It was the silver lighter, the one that Jim had provided to him each time they had met. He looked up at Jim’s smiling face.

“Take it,” he said. “I’ve given up remember?” Jim glanced down at the lighter and Yuki saw a flash of pain flicker across his features and then it was gone just as quickly. “It’s part of my past now.” He shrugged. “It may as well be with someone who is actually going to put it to the use it was meant for!”

“Thanks,” Yuki replied as he pocketed it. He looked back up as Jim dropped a hand to his shoulder.

“Don’t give up so easily. Even when it seems that all is lost you can’t just give up. You have to continue to believe and hope until you know there is none left.” He removed his hand and stepped back again. “Anyway, that’s what I believe.”

“Did you continue to believe?” Yuki asked.

Jim was silent for a moment and then a very sad smile crossed his face. “Right to the very end.” he answered in an almost whisper.

The two men stood there for a moment in silence. Then a bright smile creased Jim’s face and banished the sadness. “You’d better go. Tohma will kill me if you miss your plane and don’t turn up!”

“I gather he’ll be waiting?” Yuki asked with a grimace.

Jim laughed, “Of course, you can’t expect anything less! Catch you around, Yuki.” and with a cheery salute Jim turned and walked away. Yuki watched after his departing back, his hand in his pocket rubbing the lighter resting there. Keep believing and hoping?

He turned away. Hope was for fools.

***********

Jim had been correct, and as he had stepped off the plane the first face he saw was Tohma’s. It wasn’t that Tohma was right at the front, or that there weren’t many other people there, it was simply as though Yuki was almost conditioned to look just for him, knowing, always knowing, that Tohma would be there - no matter what. And he always was.

Tohma had smiled in greeting, and walked by Yuki’s side as they made their way to his car. “I’m glad to see you looking a little better than I had expected. The medication must be working.”

Yuki threw a side glance towards Tohma as he drove. “You’ve been talking to Jim.”

“And Ryuichi,” Tohma admitted. Tohma always told him the truth. He never tried to evade his questions. Well, almost never. In some ways that could be bad. Tohma’s honest answers were sometimes far more frightening and disturbing than any lie he could have told. Yuki turned to look out the window, watching the night scenery.

“I have made you an appointment with your regular doctor for first thing tomorrow morning. I know you aren’t a morning person generally and you will no doubt still be tired, but I thought it would be better to get it over and done with so they can ensure you are on the correct medication. You will make certain to take your medication as you are supposed to, won’t you?”

Yuki was tempted to snap back and tell Tohma to mind his own fucking business, but he just didn’t have the energy to do so. Instead he just grunted.

“Ah, Eiri,”

He could hear the smile in Tohma’s voice even without turning to look at him.

They pulled up outside his apartment. He looked up at the windows, seeing all in darkness. What did he expect, for the lights to be on? For someone to be there? The only person that was likely to be there under these circumstances would be a thief and he hardly thought they would be putting the lights on to announce their intentions. He opened his door and reached into the back to drag out his bag.

Tohma leant across from the driver’s side, “Do you want me to come in?”

Yuki turned in surprise. Tohma was asking him? He had just been expecting Tohma to be his usual pushy self and insist on coming with him no matter how much he protested. Instead he was asking if Yuki wanted him to come? He felt completely thrown by the unexpectedness of this as his mind hurriedly processed the thought. He glanced up again at the dark windows and opened his mouth to say, yes, he wanted Tohma to accompany him, but then he closed it with a snap. No, he didn’t want to have anyone else with him when he entered there. Anyone who was with him would be the wrong person. He turned back to Tohma who still waited patiently for his answer.

“Go home,” he growled.

Tohma smiled at him. “If that is what you want.”

Yuki glared at him. “Go home,” he repeated.

“Very well,” Tohma said as he settled back comfortably. “We’ll have you over for tea soon. Mika wants to see you.”

“Fine,” Yuki turned and took a couple of steps away.

“Eiri,”

He turned at Tohma’s call. “What?”

“Welcome home.” Tohma said quietly, his face warm with caring.

Yuki couldn’t stop the small surge of warmth those words gave him. It was nice to hear that someone was pleased he was home, that someone had missed him. The car left the curb smoothly as Tohma drove away and Yuki looked after it until the red tail lights had disappeared around a corner. He had noticed that even though Tohma had asked if he had wanted him to accompany him inside, he had at no time turned the engine off. It was as though he knew that Yuki would refuse. How could Tohma have known that? He had almost said yes. A shiver ran up and down his spine. Sometimes he found his brother-in-law just as freaky as everyone else did, apart from Mika perhaps. Tohma seemed to know him at times so much better than he did himself.

He made his way to the door. It would be good to be home. That was another thing he should thank Tohma for. He had ensured that all the amenities had been paid during the time Yuki had been away. He honestly hadn’t really thought about it. There had been so many other things on his mind back then. It really would have sucked for him to come home and find he’d been evicted! Tohma had made certain that wouldn’t happen.

He had a lot to thank Tohma for. A lot. As much as it grated on his nerves to be so indebted to someone, he knew that he would never be able to repay his brother-in-law for everything he had done during this time. Tohma had really come through for him. Just as he had always promised Yuki that he would.

**************

That had been a number of weeks ago now.

He reached out and tapped at the keyboard, trying to get his train of thought started again. He had to keep working. He had to stay focused. He was back home and he needed to get on with things.

Coming home had been a wonderful feeling. He had never thought he would actually miss his home. This was the first time he had. Home had never been anything more than a place to sleep, a place to simply ‘be’. So, yes, he was very, very glad to finally be back home, but there was still a problem. For all his relief at coming home, he had found it difficult to settle back in. Things were still the same, he hadn’t been gone that long really. Yet, they seemed…….different, somehow.

He remembered how it had felt when he had first stepped through the door.

**************

He stepped into the apartment letting the bag fall heavily to the floor, the sound loud in the silence. He stood there for a moment in the dark, almost afraid to switch on the light, afraid of what he might see, of what ghosts may still be lingering in that darkness.

He shrugged his shoulders in irritation at these irrational feelings. He was being a complete idiot! Angrily he reached out and flicked the switch, blinking a few times as the brightness struck his eyes. There was nothing there. Just as he had known there wouldn’t be. He tried to ignore his plummeting feelings. He emptied his pockets onto the hall table, shrugging out of his jacket, letting it fall carelessly to the floor, and made his way immediately to the kitchen.

Coffee, he needed coffee – desperately. If he didn’t get coffee now he would only begin on something far, far stronger and his stomach was still screaming at him even through the painkillers he had been taking to get through the flight. He poured a mug, bringing the steaming cup to his lips for that first caffeine-filled sip. It entered his bloodstream quickly due to his empty stomach. He took another deep swallow, savouring the taste.

With steaming cup in hand, he walked through the rooms. It was definitely his apartment. There were his things lying scattered around, that was his laptop sitting in the study, cover still up. He brushed a finger over the keyboard and noted the dust smear on the digit. He’d better check that out first thing and see if the damn thing was so choked with dust it was even going to work! He had opened the balcony door and stood outside, cigarette dangling from his lips. Yes, it was still his place. Still, something just didn’t seem…right. Something was still missing.

He walked into the middle of the lounge, taking another sip, and paused, gazing around him. There was a large gap on his bookshelf near the TV, a gap that used to house Shuichi’s numerous DVDs, videos and games. It was extremely obvious that at one time something had been there and was now glaringly absent. It would have looked the same if he had come home to find he had been burgled. It was that evident to his eye, even down to the dusty outline to show where the collection had once begun and ended. He turned his back on the sight as his stomach knotted. He took another sip of coffee, hoping that might calm it. It didn’t seem to help.

His mind was screaming at him to ignore it. Just turn away, don’t look too closely, and just get on with things. The past was the past, it was gone. He heard the voice, but he had to ignore it.

He slowly made his way back into the bathroom, his feet dragging reluctantly yet still carrying him along. Sure enough, the second set of toiletries; toothbrush, shaving kit, all of it. All were gone, one side of the cabinet now completely bare.

He walked into the bedroom and opened the wardrobe. Empty coat hangers clattered together, more than there had been when he had left so long ago on that night. He turned his back on the sight, not even bothering to close the door again, and opened the drawers. They were almost all half empty – one side barren, a space that seemed to be aching to be filled.

Yuki felt his heart contract hard as he slowly pushed the last drawer closed. He stared at his hands resting on the wood. They were shaking. Hard.

He turned away. He couldn’t fill that space. He had nothing anymore to fill it with.

He returned to his study and flicked on the laptop, seating himself before it as the screen’s light illuminated his pale drawn face.

***************

He had tried to forget about everything, tried to immerse himself in his own simple life once more, the way he once had from what now seemed so long ago. The next day he had consciously made a decision and spread his own items out further so they encroached into the now empty spaces. It was a defiant, and ultimately futile, gesture on his part to try and forget and make the pain disappear. It didn’t work. Nothing did.

Over the next few weeks he found himself fleeing the memories in the apartment more and more. Every time he looked around it seemed the ghost of a figure hovered at the corner of his eye; a fleeting glimpse of someone, a tantalizing hope that if he could just turn fast enough he would see them clearly. He never could. That spectre drove him from his home time and time again. He had fled to the park, hoping to be able to clear his head in that familiar, soothing location, striding along briskly as he usually did, hands pushed deep into pockets, when he found himself turning to glance at his side, as though expecting something to be there.

No….not something. Someone.

That thought had been enough to make him stop completely. So that was it, he thought, slowly reaching up to remove the cigarette and blow the smoke from his lungs. He couldn’t stop the small bitter laugh that escaped his lips. What a moron he was! He was still expecting Shuichi to be there. Well, he ground the cigarette beneath his shoe as he turned to head back to his place, that wasn’t going to happen, so he may as well snap out of it. He ground his teeth together, features set with determination. He would not be driven away! He didn’t need anything else!

But that nagging feeling never went away completely.

He had had no choice but to get straight back into work. He still had to eat, and the money to support him came from his writing. There had been meeting after meeting with his long-suffering editors and publishers upon his return as they outlined what they wanted from him. He supposed he should be grateful that they still wanted to support his writings after he had gone AWOL for so long. They may have been understanding of his situation and why he had gone, but now they wanted their pound of flesh. Namely a completed book in record time.

He had sat down dutifully to comply, though not without a great deal of cursing and swearing, starting almost immediately upon returning home after the final meeting. He began with a brief outline of possibilities but he was finding he was having great difficulties with developing it any further. He was so out of practice in even thinking about writing. He hadn’t thought once about it whilst he was away, he hadn’t jotted any ideas down, nothing had been inspired from his journey. He had been too focused on other things at the time. He tried to concentrate, tried to return to his calm and cool frame of mind when he usually wrote, but he couldn’t seem to find his natural flow as he once had. No matter what he did, no matter how hard he tried, it was a struggle at the moment. A slow and painful struggle that saw him with sleepless nights and constant headaches to combine with his aching stomach.

He remembered the call from Tohma when Shuichi had returned to Japan a couple of weeks after he had. He had been sitting right here in his study when it had come through. Normally he wouldn’t have answered it, letting the answering machine pick it up so he wouldn’t be disturbed when writing, but this time he welcomed the interruption. Anything to take him away from the agonizing writer’s block that he was wallowing in. Even Tohma’s voice was welcome in those circumstances.

He had felt a cold shiver run down his spine as he listened to Tohma’s words. Shuichi was getting back on a plane, the only way he could return to Japan. A vision flashed before him. A flash of light against a blue sky, chunks of grey metal spinning away, smoke trails, then….nothing. His breathing had sped up, his heart racing as beads of sweat built on his brow. His hands shook as he held the phone to his ear, listening to Tohma’s request to join them at the airport.

After he had hung up he had poured himself a drink, downing it in one go, before pouring a second. There had probably been more than one dry mouth at getting back on that plane, especially for Shuichi. How would he feel?, Yuki wondered. How much did he truly remember of the plane crash? Would it all come back to him when he had to board the flight? How would he cope with it? He drank down the second glass.

When the date arrived for Shuichi’s return he had felt numb the entire day. He knew what flight they were catching, he had looked it up to see that it was still leaving New York on schedule. He didn’t sleep as the hours of the flight ticked slowly past. He sat on the couch, wide awake, smoking and drinking coffee non-stop. He had kept his cell phone on, as well as the TV and radio. He admitted to himself that he had been terrified that a repeat of the same event would occur. He had worried so much that he had even begun to cough up blood again. That hadn’t happened since he had returned. He hadn’t been able to relax until he had heard that Shuichi was safely back on terra firma. He listened to the recorded message Tohma left on his phone, the calm words assuring him that all was well, that Shuichi was fine. The noise in the background told him that Tohma was calling him from the airport itself. He knew that Yuki would be waiting to hear. Of course he knew.

He had stood and gone to the bathroom to cough up some more blood. He didn’t call Tohma back. If he did somehow Tohma would find out about his relapse. He just booked himself into the hospital that morning for treatment. He had been allowed to return home the following day. Tohma hadn’t come to visit him but he wasn’t under any misapprehension that Tohma wasn’t fully aware of his whereabouts. He was grateful that he had been left alone this time.

He also felt thankful that Shuichi had company on his return to Japan, that he hadn’t been forced to face the flight on his own.. He found out that the rest of Bad Luck and Shuichi’s family had all stayed on in North America so they could return together with him. That was probably the best thing for them to have done. Let Shuichi become more familiar with associating with his old, although partially forgotten, friends and colleagues in a place where he felt the most comfortable at that time. It was far better than trying to immediately uproot the boy and bundle him back to Japan when he could barely remember anything of his life in this country.

When Tohma had first told him that Shuichi was returning it had seemed that his heart had stopped. The feelings of joy, of pure and unadulterated delight that swept through him were very alien. Shuichi was coming home! He had thought that would never happen, but it was. Was Jim right? Should he still believe?

He crushed his rising hopes ruthlessly. Don’t be a fool, he reprimanded himself. Shuichi wasn’t coming home for him. He was coming home for his family and friends. He was coming home for the band which would be making Tohma extremely happy. Shuichi wasn’t coming home for him.

That was why there was no point him going to the airport to meet Shuichi. He couldn’t bear it to see the youth looking back at him with that calm politeness, the formal greetings, and then seeing him turn his back and walk away from him once again. It was too much like the recurring nightmare that deprived him of sleep every night, seeing over and over again Shuichi’s slim figure walking away from him, always just out of reach, before gradually drawing further and further away no matter how hard he tried to catch up to him. The nightmare of hearing Shuichi’s voice saying over and over, ‘I don’t know you,’ as he turned and left before Yuki would wake in a cold sweat once again. So Tohma and Noriko had gone to the airport to meet them when they all returned.

Yuki couldn’t.

*****************

Yuki took another sip of his cooling coffee and grimaced. He set the cup aside, abandoning the remains of the contents. He removed the cigarette from between his lips, exhaling deeply before stubbing it out in the ashtray. He tapped at the keyboard aimlessly. The jumble of letters that filled the screen meant nothing. They were just that - a jumble. He couldn’t think of a single thing to write down, a single thought that could inspire him to write…..anything.

Two months. It had been a long two months.

He stood up and left the study and his wasted efforts. He flopped heavily onto the lounge, resting his head back. What the hell was wrong with him? He had to get his act together somehow, but he was finding it hard to think. In fact he was finding it hard to do much of anything. He was so tired. He had been putting in long hours at his laptop trying to make some headway on this book, but no matter what he did he hadn’t really got very far with it, for all the length of time spent. All he felt was tired.

He sighed and got up again, moving into the kitchen. He needed another coffee, maybe that’ll help. It should, at least the caffeine would keep him up longer. Also, by drinking the coffee it should prevent him from starting too soon on the beer.

He rummaged through the cupboard looking for a cup. He hadn’t bothered doing the dishes for a while and the sink was filled with dirty mugs. He didn’t really feel like having to wash one up. His hand closed around a handle and he pulled it out. Thank goodness there was still a clean one. He glanced down at it and it fell from his nerveless fingers to the bench top, spinning on its side. He found himself breathing fast, almost gasping, his chest constricted so tightly it caused him pain.

Deliberately he took a deep breath, and forced himself to calm down. Slowly he reached out and righted the cup. It had suffered no damage from its small mishap.

It had been Shuichi’s mug - his favourite mug. Yuki vividly remembered when the boy had proudly shown it to him when he had first moved in.

Gently he picked it up and placed it to one side. He turned to the sink and began to run the water. It was time he did some washing up.