The Key to My Heart

Author: JadeHeart
Fandom: Gravitation (after the manga finishes)
Warnings: bad language, angst, sexual situations

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this, they belong to the creators of ‘Gravitation’, nor am I making any profits from it.


Chapter 39


Shuichi sat in the dark on the edge of his bed, hands dangling between his knees. Yuki, he thought, staring at his bare feet, pale in the darkness that shrouded the room. He hadn’t bothered to put on any lights or change. He was still in his stage costume, ignoring the slight itchiness from the body make-up as it began flaking, and his dried sweat. He hadn’t done anything except go straight to the bedroom where he was sitting at this time.

He remembered now. He remembered. So many small unconnected moments of memory now held some sort of logic to him. All those fragments he could now put together, and the picture was not one that he liked at all.

The biggest thing he remembered was Yuki. It was all about Yuki. He remembered he had fallen in love with Yuki. He knew that, knew it without a doubt. No wonder he had been lusting after him since meeting him again in Quebec City. It all made horrible sense now.

He ran his hands through his hair despairingly. He remembered how he had first met Yuki in the park; those cutting words, the complete disregard for him and his work that had stung his pride and demanded he seek satisfaction from the one who heaped such scorn upon him.

He remembered jumping in front of Yuki’s car and cringed inwardly. What an idiot he had been! Why the hell had he done something so stupid?! Just what had he been trying to prove? He had deserved to be run down!

He let himself fall backwards onto the bed with a loud groan, arms stretched out above him, staring at the ceiling. Was he really that much of an idiot?, he wondered, chewing on his lip unconsciously, not noticing as it began to get raw from the friction. Oh, yes, he had been, he grimaced. He had definitely been that much of an idiot!

He remembered how distant Yuki had been during those times. How cold and calculating and completely blunt in telling him clearly he wanted nothing to do with him. But he hadn’t listened; he had utterly ignored the other man’s wishes and carried on with what he had wanted.

Oh, how he must have been so annoying! Why didn’t he take the hint and just leave Yuki alone? How could he have been so self centered?!

He drew his hands down and tucked them behind his head, fingers tangling in his hair. He remembered he had asked Yuki to come to their concert, that very first concert, almost demanding that he attend just so he could prove the man had been wrong in his assessment of his talent. He hadn’t really expected him to do so, not really. A part of him wanted Yuki to come, yet another conflicting part had denied that need.

Yet against all odds Yuki had attended, completely catching him by surprise. It had been just like tonight. He played the scene at the club over again and again. He must have been mistaken, Yuki hadn’t been there. Of course, he hadn’t. How stupid could he be to think that the man would bother to come and see him play? How would Yuki have even known about the concert? It was a surprise appearance, it hadn’t been advertised in any way, and Tohma made certain that nothing leaked out to the press. Yuki couldn’t have been there tonight. It must have just been his imagination playing tricks on him because of the familiar setting. That was all.

He remembered his desire to see Yuki again back at that time, his insistence in seeing the man. He remembered the game of pretend Yuki had played out in front of his sister. Mika had believed them even then and that hadn’t even been rehearsed! Yeah, that was probably the start of the game as lovers. Up till then, Yuki had been telling him to get lost, reminding him that he was straight and he had no intention of that changing. In short, he had given Shuichi the big brush off in no uncertain terms.

Yet still, he had been persisted.

Shuichi wriggled back on the bed, drawing his legs up so his feet were placed on the edge. He remembered their first kiss. His eyes closed of their own accord at the thought, playing it out again in his mind. It wasn’t like it was meant to have happened. Kissing was the furthest thing on either of their minds especially, he would have thought, on Yuki’s, not with the man’s natural hetro tendencies and the topic of conversation at that time. He remembered Yuki’s cold, angry eyes glaring at him, a hand clasped in the front of his shirt lifting him onto his toes. Then, those cool lips pressed hard against his.

He remembered his complete shock at the unexpectedness of it. The surprise he had felt, followed by the feeling of melting into that firm masterful touch. As Yuki’s hand had slipped under his shirt to rest on his chest, all his senses had overloaded in a moment of pure bliss in a way that had never happened before. He had never experienced a kiss like that. It had been something so completely amazing, and special.

At least to him. He recalled also how Yuki had then brushed that moment aside.

Shuichi sat up abruptly, wrapping his arms around his knees and held them tightly, feeling his throat tighten with unshed tears. That rejection had hurt. It really had. But he had been so determined to not believe it. He had been so demanding and selfish, only interested in what he wanted. Sure he had tried to say he wanted what was best for Yuki, but really it was all about what he had wanted!

Now he knew why he hadn’t seen or heard from Yuki since returning to Japan. After putting up with all of that before, he would want to remain as far away from Shuichi as possible!

He didn’t notice that he was slowly rocking back and forth as his thoughts tumbled. He had caused Yuki nothing but trouble, trying to force his affections onto him even when the man had told him he was straight. He had forced the man into living his life the way Shuichi wanted him to live it. He had driven Yuki into a corner, demanding he spend time with him, moving in uninvited, embarrassing him publicly both at the concert when he was there with Ayaka, and the fiasco with his brother on that cooking show. He had left Yuki with no options but to go along with a cover story. The public was hardly going to accept anything less after everything the evidence seemed to point towards. It was through his selfish thoughtlessness that he had forced Yuki to live a lie - and keep living a lie.

Oh, gods, what a mess he had made of Yuki’s life! He had had no right to do that! No wonder he now remembered them having so many arguments! It seemed they had always been fighting.

He had even been so selfish as to break up Yuki’s engagement to Ayaka. Okay, he knew Yuki didn’t really want to be married to her but it still wasn’t his place to do that! Yuki might have been happy if he had. He had acted like such a jerk - and dressing in drag! Just how perverted was he?! No wonder Yuki had taken off a couple of times.

He remembered how upset he had been when that happened each time, the way his chest had hurt as though his heart was trying to burst. He had hated it when Yuki left, really and truly hated it. That feeling of loss, of being abandoned, left behind, forgotten. He had never wanted Yuki to leave him. That was why, even then, he couldn’t leave Yuki alone. He had still followed him, demanding he come home no matter what was going on, even embarrassing him in his own home and in front of his family! Yuki was right – he was an idiot, and a moron, and a jerk, and every other expletive you could think of! His behaviour had been inexcusable, and totally reprehensible!

Shuichi buried his face in his knees, his face burning with shame. How could he have done all that? How could he have shamed someone he claimed to love?!

He raised his head to rest his chin on his knees, blinking rapidly, thinking hard. Could he make it up to Yuki? Try to apologise? Would that help? He mentally shook his head morosely. No, probably not. It wouldn’t make up for all those times, but…

Yuki had come looking for him, and been rather nice to him. Perhaps….perhaps there was a chance he would forgive him for the past. Maybe they could try again and this time he would make absolutely certain to keep it just as friends. Perhaps there was a chance.

Shuichi jumped off the bed and began pacing. Surely that might work. Yuki can’t be holding a grudge or he wouldn’t have helped look for him, so that meant there was still something there. Yuki couldn’t hate him completely, despite everything he had done. His pacing quickened in time with his racing thoughts. Yes, there was still a chance for him to fix things. He wanted to still be friends with Yuki. He knew that he still harboured feelings for the older man but he wasn’t going to let himself act like a fool again, not this time. This time he would show Yuki that he could be friends and he could still be happy with just that. He was going to show Yuki that he wasn’t that pushy, selfish teenager anymore, that he had grown up and had learnt the value of real friendship.

He made his way to the bathroom, his step a little lighter, his thoughts a little brighter. He reached in and turned on the taps, waiting for the water to warm up as he shucked his clothes into a corner.

He would have to do this carefully though, he thought as he stepped into the shower. If he didn’t, Yuki would just think he was trying to pursue him again and be rightly pissed off with him, so carefully it was. He soaped himself down. Tohma, or Mika might be the way to go. Perhaps he could wait for the right time and ask one of them to invite him round to see Yuki sometime. It would be perfectly safe with other people present to act as chaperone. Surely that would show Yuki that he had nothing to worry about.

Shuichi lathered the shampoo through his hair. Yes, that would work, he was sure of it! He didn’t notice the smile that now graced his lips at the thought of seeing Yuki once again.

************

The day was bright outside, though getting cooler. There was a distinct crispness in the morning air now. Yuki sat back watching the smoke from his cigarette drift lazily towards the ceiling. He felt so tired, completely drained. His short stint in hospital recently hadn’t provided him any real rest, only uneasy dreams that he had put down to the medication they were pumping into him. The bandages had been removed from his arm, as had the stitches, leaving no mark at all. Tohma had been right – he had been lucky.

He took another drag on the cigarette, ignoring the rustle of papers in the room with him.

“This is excellent, Yuki!” Mizuki gushed enthusiastically.

Yuki dropped his eyes to look at his editor sitting across from him and cocked a sardonic eyebrow. “It’s crap,” he said bluntly. “It’s too rushed, trite and clichéd. You wouldn’t give me enough time to do anything properly with it.”

Not that extra time would have improved it any, he thought darkly. It had been enough of a struggle for him to be able to churn it out in time as it was.

“Despite what you may think yourself,” Mizuki said calmly, collecting the pages together neatly. “I would say that this could be one of your best works. You put out just as many pages as you normally would do so, and there is nothing substandard in your delivery. It’s a little darker than your norm, I would agree, but it’s completely heartbreaking, romantic, and tragic. Your readers will adore it!”

Yuki continued to glower at her, saying nothing. He wasn’t going to tell her that he had based the final story, and the characters, on his more recent experiences. After struggling for so long with trying to start this book, he had suddenly hit on that train of thought. After that, the words had flowed from his fingertips. He had almost found it cathartic in a way, using his writing as a means of expunging the agony built up in his soul. When he had finally finished, he had actually been left with a small feeling of relief.

Yes, Mizuki would love that tragic end, the demise of the lovers. It’s different though when you are living it, instead of just reading about it. It’s different when it is your heart being ripped out. He stubbed his cigarette out, mentally cringing away from those painful thoughts.

“We’ll go through it again and arrange the cover art, then call you for the final check. If all goes well, the first print will hit the stands within three weeks. We’ve already got a book signing lined up on the first day. I’ll email you the details closer to the date.” Mizuki continued, retying the manuscript.

“Is that it?” Yuki growled, standing.

Mizuki looked up at him. “There’s nothing else at the moment, though I would suggest that you get some sleep. You’re not looking well and you really should take better care of yourself.”

“Fine,” he said, and made his way to the door.

As he opened it, he heard Mizuki speak again. “Yuki,” she said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

He glanced over his shoulder but she had risen from her seat and had her back to him as she leant over to her desk. He said nothing, just closed the door behind him as he left.

He drove onto his next destination, switching off the ignition and locking the car as he left it. He would have quite a walk today - parking had been the pits. He glanced at his watch. Well, he still had time, and if he was a bit late, so be it. It was just his brother, no-one important.

He drew nearer to the café. It was one he hadn’t been to before, Tatsuha had chosen it for their brunch today. He peered through his sunglasses. Yes, he could see Tatsuha’s dark head at one of the tables. Sitting directly opposite him was a young blond.

Horny bastard! He’s got no bloody shame! Yuki was starting to sympathise with his father a little. His father had pretty much resigned himself to the fact that Yuki wasn’t going to be the dutiful son, but when he had found out that Tatsuha swung both ways as well, it had just about put him in hospital with a coronary!

“Hey,” Yuki said as he stopped at the table. Two faces swiveled upwards to look at him.

“Hey, bro,” Tatsuha said with a broad smile of welcome.

The other young boy’s eyes widened as he took in Yuki’s golden good looks.

“Wow!” the boy said softly with a low whistle. He flicked a glance towards Tatsuha, and then back to Yuki, obviously making the connection immediately that they were brothers. No two people could look this good and alike if they weren’t related. A broad smile crept over his face. “Two for the price of one?” he queried Tatsuha unabashedly.

“Sorry, kid,” Yuki said bluntly, “Not for sale, and definitely not interested. You’re not in my class. So take a hike.”

“Hey! I…..”

”Better do what he says,” Tatsuha said with a smirk, enjoying the discomfort his table partner was experiencing. “Take my word on it, he’s right. He’s way out of your league.”

“Huh!” the boy huffed, pushing his chair back and standing. He tried to glare at Yuki but the coldness of Yuki’s stare, even through his sunglasses, would have been enough to freeze the hottest hell, and this boy was no match for that.

So with a flick of his hair, the blond strode angrily away. Yuki immediately sat down in the chair he had vacated as his brother poured a glass of water for him.

“You really know how to put the wind up people, don’t you?” Tatsuha said, laughter in his voice. “I wish I could learn to be like that. If I could perfect that icy stare of yours it would be great. That dangerous aura you have about you just makes them want to flock to you even more, like bees to the honey pot! I’d have it made!”

Yuki took a long slow drag of his cigarette, “Really. I thought you already couldn’t cope with the demand. You can’t remember who you’re supposed to be screwing, let alone what gender it is at the time.”

“Oh, I remember. Though if your partner’s willing enough sometimes it doesn’t make that much of a difference!” Tatsuha’s smile was anything but innocent.

“Is there anything you haven’t screwed?”

Tatsuha just continued to smile. “Let’s just say that the list is short, and I might just keep working on it!”

Yuki glared at him as he lit another cigarette, tossing the packet on the table. “You really have got to be the most perverted person I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. Even worse than that is that you’re related to me! How did you manage to get this bad when you’re hardly out of your teens?”

“Practice!” Tatsuha reached for the cigarettes himself. “You just don’t know how to liven things up, bro! You don’t know what your partner’s going to go for if you don’t ask. Why don’t you try it one….” His voice trailed off. Yuki was silent.

Tatsuha cleared his throat noisily. He cursed himself for his unthinking talk. He had fallen into the usual comfortable banter with his brother, and for a moment had forgotten. Forgotten that Eiri no longer had his ‘partner’. He had made a promise to himself that he wouldn’t bring anything up that would remind his brother of that painful portion of his life.

“So how did the meeting go?” He began the conversation again.

“The usual.”

“So the book’s done?”

“Yeah.”

“At least you’ll get some free time now. Until your next one.”

“Humph!”

“Ahem,” a small cough above them signaled the arrival of the waiter and they placed their order.

As the waiter moved away, Tatsuha yawned.

“Late night?” Yuki said, leaning back.

Tatsuha flashed him a smile, and shrugged. “I actually had some duties to carry out for the old man yesterday.”

“Really?” Yuki didn’t sound like he believed it.

Tatsuha’s smile grew broader. “I honestly did. And they had a lovely young daughter.”

“So you fucked her.” Yuki made it a statement.

“Of course. She asked me to, and who am I to deny a damsel in distress!”

“You had better make certain that the old man doesn’t catch on to what you’re doing whilst carrying out the temple duties. He’d personally lock you in a monastery, and castrate you as well.”

“Then we’ll just have to make certain that he doesn’t find out, won’t we?”

“It’s your funeral.” Yuki said off handedly as the food arrived and they settled down to eat.

“Got to go,” Tatsuha said, looking at his watch and standing.

“Got a date or something?” Yuki asked, peering over the top of his sunglasses at his brother.

Tatsuha smiled broadly, looking extremely cheerful. “Nope! Even better! I have a pass to go see Ryuichi at NG today! Tohma set it up for me.”

Yuki raised an eyebrow in genuine surprise, “How’d you manage to con him for that?”

Tatsuha laughed, “I got Mika to beg for me, of course!” He reached down to snag the packet of cigarettes from the table. “Get yourself some more, bro. See ya!”

“Yeah, whatever,” Yuki, irritated, waved his impetuous sibling on his way.

He sat there a little longer and smoked the last of his cigarette before standing to leave. He stretched, feeling his back muscles pulling. He intended to go home, have a hot shower, then fall onto his bed and sleep for the next twenty-four hours. Perhaps that would finally bring him some peace. If anything ever would again.

******************

Tohma ushered Shuichi into the restaurant, steering him to a corner already occupied by two people. As they approached he felt his heart skip a beat then begin racing as his eyes rested on one of the people seated there, but then he noted the dark hair. The features may have been almost the same but there were subtle differences. No matter how similar Tatsuha was to Yuki, they weren’t the same.

Shuichi swallowed nervously as the woman looked up. Tohma’s wife still scared him. He could remember only too clearly being kidnapped by her after the game Yuki had played on her, pretending Shuichi was his lover. He had been completely terrified of her back then.

Mika was still scary even now after he remembered other things about her. She was so self assured and confident, traits that Shuichi admired and wished he had more of. She was a no-nonsense woman, and he had watched men crumple before her and then thank her gratefully after she had stomped all over them with her elegant high heels. She and Tohma were well suited to each other, Shuichi thought. He couldn’t think of any other two people who were just so ‘right’ together.

This was the first time he had really sat down with Mika since returning to Japan, and he was feeling a little nervous. He hadn’t been able to find the courage to ask Tohma or her about meeting Yuki yet. Soon though, he would do so soon. The other person at the table he hadn’t seen since he had got back but he remembered Tatsuha only too well, and also remembered that it was his fault for the fiasco on the cooking show whilst pretending to be Yuki and kissing him, all on national TV no less! That had fuelled all those stories about he and Yuki which had led to the fallacy they had then continued to live. He frowned at the youth, who just grinned from ear to ear and waved brightly at him. If he had been Yuki he would have used his brother as a punching bag for the next week!

Mika waved them forward impatiently and he and Tohma pulled out their chairs even as she was motioning a waiter over.

“You’re late,” she said, with a frown to her husband, who just smiled apologetically.

“Sorry, we were held up. It was entirely my fault.” he answered.

“Humph,” Mika snorted delicately and rattled off a drinks order without asking for permission from anyone. Shuichi actually didn’t feel like a beer just at this moment, but he wasn’t game to refuse either.

The drinks arrived in the space of a moment, almost like magic. Ask and ye shall receive - at least if you were a Seguchi. A beer was placed before he and Tatsuha, wine glasses for Mika and Tohma.

“I thought Ryuichi might be joining us?” Tohma said.

Tatsuha brightened and opened his mouth to speak when Mika cut across him. “I told him not to bother.” Tatsuha’s face fell.

“Oh,” Tohma said nothing more.

Mika flicked her hair back over her shoulder, “There was no way I was prepared to deal with that idiot over lunch today!”

“That’s a little harsh, isn’t it?” Tohma said mildly, lifting his glass.

“But true!” Mika said a little defensively and took a delicate sip of her wine. She placed the glass back on the table and ran a long slender finger, topped with a well manicured nail, around the rim absently. “He’s coming for dinner tomorrow night.” It was said almost grudgingly.

Shuichi saw Tohma smile behind his raised glass but his expression was blank when he returned it to the table. “That will be nice. So,” he turned to his younger brother-in-law. “How was Ryuichi? I really haven’t had a chance to catch up with him yet.”

Tatsuha stopped sulking and immediately brightened again, his eyes glowing with adoration. “What do you mean ‘how is Ryuichi’? How can you ask that? He’s gorgeous as always, breathtakingly gorgeous! He even gave me a Kumagoro attack!”

“Hmm,” Tohma’s reply was neutral.

Tatsuha turned to Shuichi for support, hoping to gain a more appreciative audience. “You know what I mean, Shuichi?” he pleaded. “Ryuichi Sakuma was an idol for you also. Don’t you think he’s still wonderful?”

“Uh, sure,” Shuichi said a little hesitantly. Yes, Ryuichi Sakuma was a great singer, but he remembered only too well the machinations of said Ryuichi Sakuma when Bad Luck was trying to establish themselves in the industry, and the subsequent ‘battle of the bands’. He remembered all the headaches, and heartaches, they had all gone through at that time – and most of it due to the dabbling of Ryuichi Sakuma.

Yet he did also remember how he had felt at once again meeting Ryuichi in New York, before he had got most of his memories back, and his feelings of delight and excitement. Even after his memories had returned he could still feel tingly at that thought. Yes, he could understand Tatsuha’s worship for the brilliance of Ryuichi Sakuma, just not completely in the same way. Not when he had experienced first hand the other side of the conundrum of Ryuichi.

“See?” Tatsuha said, turning to Mika and sticking his tongue out at her in a very childish manner. “Shuichi agrees and he should know what it’s like to chase after what you want and finally get it. He and Yu…..OW!”

Shuichi jerked in his seat in surprise at the cry as Tatsuha suddenly disappeared under the table. He heard moans arising from beneath the table but it made him too nervous to lift the cloth to check what was going on out of sight. He remembered only too well just how perverted Tatsuha was. Was he jerking off under the table because he was so excited over the thoughts of his idol, Ryuichi Sakuma? He wouldn’t put it past him!

Tohma had only raised an eyebrow at the antics, saying nothing, whilst Mika calmly sipped her wine with an air of complete decorum and totally ignoring the bothersome sounds issuing from the region of her feet.

Finally a hand crept over the edge, resting on the white cloth for a moment before a dark head appeared, peering over the top with a wary expression. Tatsuha slithered out from under the table and back into his seat. He scowled darkly at Mika who made no indication that she was even aware of him.

“So,” she said calmly, “What would you like for lunch, Shuichi?”

“Uuhm,” he glanced down at the open menu guiltily. He hadn’t even looked at it yet. “Ah,”

“May I recommend the special? It’s very good and you need to eat more meat. You’re nothing but skin and bones – though you always were a bit of a skinny runt. I guess that slim androgynous figure of yours works best on stage. Still you could do with some more flesh on you. It’s about time someone fattened you up a little. You need to take better care of yourself.”

She waved the waiter over and ordered whilst Shuichi just starred at her, open mouthed. He could hardly believe what he was hearing. Mika was concerned about him? She was almost acting…worried, almost like his mother! Even the back-handed compliments were surprising, though a little more like her. He felt a flash of appreciation. She was trying to help him, even trying to look after him, in her own way. That was really nice of her.

The meals arrived and soon everyone was occupied with the task of eating. Shuichi ate in silence, not really joining in the conversation that buzzed around him. He didn’t quite understand why he was here, in what was obviously a family gathering. The bickering between Mika and Tatsuha continued, followed by a slightly more serious discussion between Tohma and his wife, and a phone call by Mika to the babysitter to check on her son. It was all such normal family life issues and Shuichi couldn’t figure out how he fit into it.

“Well, I can’t help it. I’ve tried everything and he won’t snap out of it,” Tatsuha was saying loudly bringing Shuichi’s attention back to the conversation. “He was moping about like a love sick fool at lunch today. It’s not my fault he hasn’t got the guts just to tell Shuichi that he still…mmmph!!”

Shuichi watched in stunned amazement as Mika shot to her feet, slapping a hand across Tatsuha’s mouth and halting his words, whilst the other arm wound tightly around his neck in a head lock. Mika smiled tightly at him, his eyes flashing, ignoring the hands of her brother clawing at her arm as his face began to change from red to blue, his eyes frantic as he gasped for air.

“Sorry about this. My little brother and I need to have a quiet little discussion, if you’ll excuse us. Tohma,” she directed to her husband. “you will make certain Shuichi gets home all right, won’t you?”

“Of course,” Tohma responded, standing. “Come along, Shindou. Don’t be too late.” he directed to Mika before turning to go.

“Oh, I won’t be,” she said in a low voice before turning and dragging the hapless Tatsuha along in her wake, who was still gasping for breath and unable to get enough oxygen into his lungs to voice his refusal.

Shuichi followed Tohma slowly, glancing backwards as Mika unceremoniously bundled her helpless brother out of sight into a back room.

“Ah,” he began, not knowing if he should even ask but unable to help himself. “What was that all about?”

“Hmm?” Tohma replied, flicking a glance at him. “Oh, you mean Tatsuha. I wouldn’t worry about that. He has a tendency to not think before speaking. No matter how many times he suffers for his aberrations he doesn’t seem to be able to help himself.”

“I see,” Shuichi slid into the passenger seat as Tohma started the car, moving away from the kerb. “Was…he talking about Yuki?” he asked a little hesitantly. He didn’t look at Tohma so didn’t see the slight raising of eyebrows in surprise.

“Yes,” was the calm reply he heard.

“Oh,” Shuichi rested his chin on his hand, looking out the window.

So Yuki was pining over someone was he? At least that is what he gathered from what Tatsuha had said. Wonder who it was? Though why anyone would leave Yuki or not want to be with him was beyond him! The man was famous, had money, and was damn good looking on top of that! What more could you want?

Although he could be a little abrasive, Shuichi remembered. Okay, Yuki could be quite grumpy when he was working, and did have a bit of a temper, but he was still a kind person, deep down. Hadn’t he gone all the way to the other side of the world to find Shuichi and help bring him home? That’s not something someone would do if they weren’t nice.

He sighed softly, not noticing Tohma’s quick look at him. So Yuki was going through a bad time at the moment. What crap timing! Just when he was trying to screw up his courage to go and see the man, he finds out Yuki’s suffering from a broken heart. Now would hardly be a good time to go and visit and put more pressure on him.

He sighed again. Damnit, why did this have to happen now?! He /wanted/ to see Yuki! He squeezed his eyes tightly shut for a moment. Who was he trying to kid? He was wanting to see Yuki again and supposedly be ‘friends’ because deep down he kept hoping that one day he could make it more. He was so damn self-centred all the time! It was always just about him!

He opened his eyes again and mentally shrugged. Well, that was that. Guess he was wasting his time, hoping against hope that Yuki would be happy with him. Not going to happen now, not when the man is in love with someone else. Yuki wouldn’t want him showing up now if he’s this upset. The last thing he needs is to be worrying about trying to deal with Shuichi’s crap. For once he was not going to be selfish, and think of what was best for Yuki, not just what he wanted. He didn’t have the right to intrude on the man at a time like this.

He took a deep breathe. So be it, he thought. That’s the way it was now. Time for him to move on and get over it. There was no point him feeling all depressed about it. Of course Yuki would be involved with someone. Why had he ever thought that he wasn’t? It’s none of his business anyway. Lucky girl, he couldn’t help but think enviously.

Tohma pulled up outside his apartment and he stepped out, glancing up at the dark windows. For the first time he really didn’t want to go into the place. For the first time it really didn’t feel like this was his home.

“Shindou,” He turned at Tohma’s quiet voice, realising suddenly that he had been standing there with the door still open.

“Oh, sorry!” He was holding Tohma up.

Tohma spoke again as he began to close the door. “Is there anything you want to ask me?”

Shuichi looked at him in perplexity. Something to ask Tohma? Like what? He couldn’t think of anything. He was hardly going to ask him about his brother-in-law’s love life!

“Eh? No,” he stammered a little, feeling uneasy again. What was Tohma getting at?

“Ah,” Tohma almost sounded sad at his negative answer. “Well, there’s nothing for it then. Goodnight.”

“Night,” Shuichi closed the door, and without another pause Tohma drove away. Shuichi watched the tail lights disappear. “Just what was that all about?” he wondered.

*************

Tohma headed home, weaving expertly amongst the traffic. He had thought that Shindou was about to talk to him then but once again the youth had side-stepped the issue. Tohma hadn’t been able to determine what had gone on after the concert. He had spotted Eiri through the crowd and had seen him leave just as rapidly before he could reach him so he had followed him. It was he who had come across Eiri’s crumpled car and called the ambulance which was why he had been at the hospital when his brother-in-law had awoken. His heart had skipped a beat when he had arrived on the scene, the cold hand of fear clutching his throat. Fortunately Eiri had been fine, apart from a few cuts and bruises. He hadn’t said anything to Tohma but he was smart enough to figure out that Eiri’s response to seeing Shuichi had not been positive.

It had been the next day at the office that he had heard that Shuichi had had some form of mild breakdown also. Sakano and K had been unable to shed any further light on the matter, and his discreet questions had elicited nothing from Nakano or Suguru. He couldn’t help but wonder if it hadn’t been due to Shuichi spotting Eiri in the crowd. If that was the case he had obviously remembered something but what, well that he was keeping very close to his chest. Tohma had been waiting every day for Shuichi to question him further about Yuki but so far nothing had been forthcoming.

Today at lunch, he had almost been sorry Mika had stopped Tatsuha when he had begun to let slip about Yuki’s feelings for Shuichi. He understood why Mika had done it, but a part of him wished it could have all just come out and then they deal with the fallout afterwards. He had had such high hopes for Tatsuha, knowing just how prone to ‘foot-in-mouth’ disease he was. He should have made certain to get there early so he could have arranged to sit next to Mika instead of Tatsuha. That way there was no way Mika would have been able to stop him in time. Even she wouldn’t abandon all decorum in leaping over the table to strangle her brother once the damage was done. She was pragmatic enough to just wash her hands of it afterwards.

He sighed a little. Another perfect opportunity wasted. He didn’t know what else to do. He had tried to carefully contrive and orchestrate a meeting between the two of them in the hope that it would act as a catalyst to bring them together but that had seemed to backfire. Now he wasn’t sure what else to do.

His brow drew down in a frown. He really hadn’t believed the deception could have been maintained for this long, yet against all the odds it had. He kept praying that someone, anyone, would slip up and tell Shuichi the truth, and all the truth. It would then release him from the promise he had made to Eiri.

However, it seemed that in all the lies there was just enough truth to match what little Shuichi remembered of his time with Yuki to make it believable. How could they all be so damn convincing! Tohma still didn’t know just how much of any of it that Shindou did remember, he was being unusually silent on this point. In some ways it was almost unnerving. Shindou had always been so excessively vocal where Yuki was concerned so this complete silence on the matter just seemed so …wrong.

Tohma shook his head at his own thoughts, growing a little amused. Who would have thought he would ever have missed the youth’s loud protestations of love for his brother-in-law?! They must be living in an alternate universe!

He pulled up at his home, grateful to be back. He could see the lights on in the bedroom so Mika had already returned. There was no sign of Tatsuha’s bike so presumably he had not accompanied his sister home. That was probably just as well, he had most likely escaped his sister’s wrath as soon as he was able to. Tatsuha could whether almost anything – except Mika. She was the only one who could completely dominate her younger brother and cower him. A smile twitched his lips as Tohma walked towards his home. How he loved his wife sometimes!

He mounted the steps and let himself in. He had to try and get those two back together somehow.

*************

Shuichi lay on the floor, not watching the flickering TV before him. The last few weeks had been hard for him. He had been busy with the lead up concerts, going over the tour schedule, refining stage settings and costumes, all the time continuing his vocals to ensure that when it came to singing during the tour he would be working at peak ability. But amongst all that excitement, he had also begun to feel more and more down. Coming home to his dark apartment each night was becoming depressing and he didn’t know why. He so wanted to see Yuki, but had clamped down on those feelings resolutely. Every day he had fought against that feeling, but it was becoming harder and harder. Why was he torturing himself like this? What was the point in yearning after something he was never going to have? Yuki was straight, he didn’t like guys. Why was he so intent on pursing him? Probably because Yuki had gone along with it all for all that time. Yuki had obviously indulged him for a long time but he couldn’t keep taking advantage of his good nature.

He sprawled onto the floor and turned his head towards the TV as the familiar strains of a song drifted to him. It was a re-run of a video clip, one of Nittle Grasper’s concerts which is why he had recognized it. He had it on tape, along with everything else they had done.

He watched it from his prone position, letting the music flow over him. He absently raised a hand to rest it on his stomach, starting a little as his hand touched bare skin. His shirt had risen up when he had stretched himself out, baring his midriff. He shivered, feeling goose-bumps across his flesh. A wave of coldness swept through him.

What was happening? His blood was racing - from fear, and something else. What…?

His head pounded, the throbbing at his temples making it feel like his head was going to explode. He was frozen in place, unable to make any move to shift his position. He closed his eyes against the flickering glare of the TV which now seemed to burn the back of his cornea. He was beginning to shake now, trembling all over, his breath coming in quick pants. His chest hurt as it tightened, feeling like a large hand was gripping his heart and squeezing slowly.

What was happening to him? What was wrong?!

He was beginning to panic, feeling the fear clawing at his innards like a living animal attempting to climb up his throat and strangle him. He whimpered into the stillness of the room where there was no-one to hear. Then the blackness behind his closed eyes suddenly filled with flashing images, running so fast he could barely make out what they were, fleeting glimpses of …something.

Over and over they ran, like his life was on fast forward. Slowly, he began to be able to differentiate things. He could make out some of the faces now; his family, school friends, Hiro, NG personnel, Nittle Grasper, even Ask. Flashes of places; from school, from his part time job, Bad Luck concerts, recording at NG. Flash after flash, all jumbled together, all colliding in a maelstrom of colour, motion and feeling.

Then it suddenly seemed to freeze in place. He could clearly see himself, lying on the floor as though he were viewing another person, lying just as he was now in front of a TV.

Then he was suddenly there, inside his body, lying in that position, viewing the room around him. He knew this room, it was…

He could see and feel a long hard body pressing down on him, hot breath against the side of his face and neck. The strains of the Nittle Grasper song, the same one playing now, filled his head.

He felt large hands on his body, sliding up under his shirt, gliding over his bare skin, making him shiver at the contact. They rubbed his nipples roughly, and his body shook partly in fear, and a little in unconscious arousal.

He could feel his fear, almost taste it. He was afraid, very afraid. He didn’t know what to do, or what he should do. He was afraid of what was happening, afraid of why it was happening, and afraid that if he didn’t let it happen what he would lose.

He lay there, quivering with the fear and the growing trepidation inside. He felt those hands move lower, sliding his trousers off his legs, the feeling of the clothes moving over his skin sensual, yet still he felt his fear grow to new heights.

His shirt, which had been scrunched up under his arms, was removed now, baring his entire body to the gaze of the other person and their insistent demanding touch. The feeling of nakedness went far beyond the physical and down to a deep emotional level that chilled him.

The touch of those long fingers on his erection made him moan softly in need and want, but the fear still gnawed at him, eating away at the pulses of pleasure that kept flashing through his body. What should he do? His mind kept repeating almost frantically. What should he do?!

He didn’t know.

He felt the probing fingers move lower, sliding over smooth skin, fingers splayed over a flat stomach, curving over his hips, slipping behind and cupping his buttocks. He couldn’t help but tense up. His body seemed to know what was to come, even as his mind seemed to want to reject it. He couldn’t help the feeling of wanting to flee. Yet, at the same time, there was a feeling of wanting to hold on for dear life to the person he was with also.

His body then shook as those fingers plunge inside, invading him suddenly with no forewarning. His body arched in shock, a startled cry escaping him. The harsh movement hurt. It was forceful, demanding - and it hurt!

He was gasping for breath, not knowing what to do - fight or flee? He was scared, so very scared, more scared than he had ever been in his life. The fingers were mercifully removed and he took a deep breath of relief, his body quivering at the release also. He felt large hands grip his legs, spreading them open, pulling him forwards. He could feel his open legs resting on the thighs of another, he could feel the intense body heat, he could feel something hard jabbing against his buttocks. That touch made a fresh wave of fear wash over him, swamping his already overloaded mind.

“I’m scared,” he heard himself whimper. He knew he sounded quite pitiful but he couldn’t help it. It was truly how he felt. No, no, he frantically sobbed deep inside, this isn’t what he wanted!

“I’m putting it on the line for you, so don’t say something stupid. Idiot!” was the only harsh response he received. Then something long, hard and wide thrust violently within his body, invading those hidden virgin depths and releasing a high cry of extreme pain from his throat as tears coursed from his eyes. He looked up into the beautiful face above him, framed by golden hair, with hazel eyes that pierced right through him, seemingly oblivious to his pain.

“YUKI!” he cried out, eyes snapping open to stare unseeing around the apartment he lay in on his own. His throat hurt, raw from the cry that had ripped from him.

He rolled onto his side, knees drawn up and arms wrapped around his shacking body. Pain, tearing him apart, pain all over him, inside him. He gasped frantically for breath. He was being crushed, that is what it felt like. He was being completely crushed, just as he felt with that long body pressing down on him.

No! he screamed silently, his mind babbling with building fear. No, it can’t be!

But it was. He knew it in the depths of his soul that this was a true memory, the last to be drawn out into the light, the last to be dragged from those dark hidden recesses of his mind; dragged kicking and screaming and hurting into full existence.

He scrambled to his feet, his feet slipping on the smooth wooden floor due to his jerky movements. He couldn’t seem to find his balance, either internally or externally, his mind continuing to scream at him incoherently, filling his head with incomprehensible noise. His vision was blurred as tears continued to course down his face, tears he made no move to wipe away. He wasn’t even aware of them.

He staggered to the door, hands fumbling with the handle. His feet had automatically found his shoes waiting there, requiring no conscious thought to fulfill that action, but that was as far as it went.

There was but one thought – to flee. Escape, he had to get out of here. He had to get away. Away to where, he didn’t know, didn’t care, had no idea of where he even wanted, needed or intended to go.

As soon as the door was open he flung himself out, like a bird frantically escaping a trap. He didn’t hear the door slam behind him and lock; didn’t register that he didn’t have his keys to enter it again.

He stumbled down the stairs, almost blind, his eyes seeing nothing before him so inwardly focused on what was in playing in his mind. One foot tripped over the other and he missed a grab at the railings as he fell down the last three steps to land in a huddled heap at the bottom landing, the wind knocked out of him for a moment and he saw stars from the sharp crack to the head.

His hands scrabbled at the floor, blunt fingernails scraping frantically as though he wanted to dig a hole there and then and bury himself in it, hide away completely from the world and himself. He was sobbing loudly now, deep sobs that made his chest ache and had him gasping for each breath in-between.

He managed to get to his knees, crawling for a few feet; crying, constantly crying. Soon the impulse to run was too strong to ignore and his protesting body forced himself to his feet, propelling him towards the outer door. He threw himself out into the night, fleeing into the darkness, trying to escape the memories that were chasing him.

Trying to escape from himself.