I Couldn't Move On

Disclaimer: All rights to the Full Metal Panic! story and characters belong to Shouji Gatou. The following fanfiction does not represent the thoughts and views of the creator or the site this story is hosted on, and is not written for profit.
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I Couldn\'t Move On
(Part 4)

Laying down all the things he’d need to take with him on his bed, he double checked to make sure he was missing anything in the process. Stun gun, 9mm semi-automatic with three extra clips, smoke grenades, gas and mask, landmines, flash bombs, customized shot gun with rubberized bullets, pellet gun with special identification paint, rope, machete knife, regular grenades, C4 putty and wire trigger, biohazard suit, camouflage paint, walkie talkies, food rations, water bottle, and a change of clothes.

“I think everything I need is in order,” he confirmed to himself as he began packing his bag with thorough precision. When he reached out to pick up another item off his bed, a small pile of Playboy magazines plopped down in front of his grasp, “Wrong!”

Snapping his head around, Sousuke came face to face with a grin belonging only to his blond teammate, “Kurz?”

“Man! Check out all the toys you’re bringing with you, and not a single one of them appropriate for the occasion.”

Sousuke had an idea of where this conversation was going, but figured that Mao would take care of his attitude after he left to see Kaname, “I beg to differ, but please inform me if I’ve missed anything in particular when making my preparations.”

Putting an arm over his comrades shoulders, “ Unless you know a way of rocking her socks with a smoke grenade, I think it’s high time become initiated into Kurz’ School of Love!”

A long stare was exchanged before Sousuke finally replied, “No.”

“I’m afraid that’s not an option, Sergeant Sagara. For it was a strict order by our beloved Major Mao that I teach you the ropes on what it means to really be a man!”

The way Kurz was getting too much into this was really causing a bit of worry. Of course the sniper was lying all the way, but how was Sousuke to know any different other than the possible intentions behind the ‘words of wisdom’?

“A strict order?” he blinked, taking into consideration that if Mao was the one making the suggestion that there was probably some logical reason behind it, “Very well. If this will assist in my mission to help Chidori, and it’s a direct order from the Major, then I have no choice but to accept the lessons.”

A moment of victory was had by the sniper in his own mind. Melissa would probably make a bikini out of his hide for an alligator, but it was a trivial matter in the current scheme of things. Whether Sousuke scared the shit out of Kaname, or the guy actually would manage to land a sexy babe like her, for Kurz, it was a win-win equation.

“Come! The lesson will be quick and to the point!” he said with an enthusiasm that Sousuke knew would be troublesome, “Kaname will fall to your charms in an instant.”


In the middle of class, a tickle came to Kaname’s nose, and she let out a huge sneeze. Her teacher turned around and quirked an eyebrow, “Are you all right Miss Chidori?”

“Yes, Mrs. Tanabe. My apologies,” she sniffled and wondered who on earth could be talking about her.

“Ta-dah!” the blond one shouted in a happy cheer as he displayed an array of nudie magazines, and most importantly, adult DVDs, “Porn! The nectar of Venus! The subsider of lonely days and nights! The ultimate reference in getting down and dirty with the babe in your bunker!”

Words could not describe what Sousuke wanted to say to him at that point. He always knew Kurz had an infatuation with two things: Himself, and sex. Therefore, it was no surprise that Kurz was probably going to spring this on him, as it was starting to become a ritual every time Sousuke even mentioned Kaname’s name. However, he didn’t wish to be rude to his teammate. Clearing his throat a bit and trying not to look embarrassed about it at the same time, he figured a forward refusal would be the most efficient in eluding the lessons, “I am well aware of the proper biological functions of the male and female reproductive organs. You’re mistaken to think that this knowledge is going to be pertinent to the matter at hand; which is securing Chidori’s safety and returning back to the Dana-“

Like a devil coming out of nowhere, Kurz got right up into his face with a fire in his eyes unlike any other, “WATCH IT!”

The sweat beads were now multiplying on Sousuke’s face as he gulped, “V-Very well!” and immediately sat down on the couch maintaining a stiff posture. Anything to prevent Kurz from accosting him over things as silly as his porn tapes.

A playful laugh came from the guy as he hopped onto the other side of the couch and hit the play button, “Check this out! I was thinking that Kaname might like you to try this little number on her….”

As the video lessons continued, Sousuke forced himself to watch and retain all the information that Kurz was providing him. His complexion seemed to become unnaturally paler as his own thoughts began to suddenly wander into the insane possibility of him and Kaname together. As much as he wouldn’t dream of advancing on her, it was only natural that he often thought about her sometimes in ways that were less than appropriate. He admitted to himself that she was a very attractive girl, and Kaname had that ability to somewhat understand his situation and bring him out of his military shell. In a way, he appreciated that. She treated him like a regular guy despite the formalities, and eventually she learned, to some extent, about proper safety measures. When he parted ways with her over a year ago, he was confident that she had learned enough to assist in taking further care of her well being from kidnappers and the like. But there was only so much he could teach her in the span of time that they were together. If he got there and found out that she had been threatened or sexually assaulted in any way, he already came to the conclusion that he’d teach the jerks a harsh lesson.
Yet, his mind would sometimes wander into that dark abyss of baser human contact. He wondered if it was as good as Kurz and Melissa claimed it to be. Of course, Kurz tended to cheapen the luxury of it ever since their trip to the bath houses a while back. But there was a point in time where he ended up having a serious conversation with Major Mao on the topic of sexual contact months ago.

“Sousuke, can I ask you something?” she said in a half-drunken mode. She was buzzing pretty badly, but still coherent enough to get something out of her mind now that she was more relaxed.

“What is it?”

The two were alone in the cafeteria at the time. It was really the only time she could have a more serious conversation with him since their mind wasn’t on the field, “Why don’t you ever think about sex?”

“Keeping one’s mind on other things when in the middle of a serious mission will leave you open to atta-“

“I’m talking when you’re not in the middle of a covert operation. Do you ever think about the future? Or perhaps Kaname in a way that’s more than just your assignment.”

“I find Chidori to be a very promising girl with a good sense of judgement in times of-“

“Wrong answer!”

Tired of being criticized for his responses, he gave a small sigh and decided to return a question back, “What do you want me to say?”

“Sousuke, it’s not brain surgery, it’s what you feel about a person. What do you feel towards Kaname? Do you think of her as a mission? A friend? A person that you think you could possibly be intimate with?”

“I don’t understand why you and Kurz have to constantly question my thoughts of what I think about Chidori.”

“Because, Sousuke, I think you have yet to learn how wonderful it can feel to be intimate with someone who understands you.”

“I feel good when I’m around Chidori. I don’t need to engage in sexual contact in order to enjoy being with her. If that’s what you’re implying.”

“Well at least we’re getting somewhere,” she muttered under her breath, “Have you ever thought about it before?”

A sweat bead ran down his face as he stared back down at his lunch. That was an answer enough for Melissa to run with, “Look, it’s okay to think that way about her. Don’t let Kurz’s definition of it ruin your mental outlook on that part of human contact. If you and Kaname have chemistry together, perhaps you should stop being such a cold fish and approach her about it. It’s not like her presence in your life was a detriment in battle. If anything, it made you stronger. Just think about that.”

“Yes, Ma’am. I’ll reflect on your advice.”

“You better,” she smirked before getting up from her chair and heading out.


By now six hours had passed, and Sousuke had become overloaded by the visual aids. At one point Kurz mysteriously vanished before returning, and was flabbergasted to see that Sousuke was still maintain an upright posture.

“So…did you get all that?” he asked with a proud smile.

“………………….” Sousuke was at a loss for words at this point. He was now afraid to leave any woman in Kurz’s care for fear that he would try to rape them, “Affirmative. I am now knowledgeable in cheap, B-rated erotica. Excuse me, I need water.”

Kurz couldn’t have been prouder. Sousuke was like a steel trap when it came to retaining information. He felt blessed that he was able to impart sacred knowledge for the sake of one’s manhood, “It’s all up to you now, my Angel!”


Turning on the faucet water, Sousuke gathered a puddle in his hands and splashed it over his face to regain his mental composure. To some extent he felt that Kurz’s intentions worked a little bit better than Sousuke originally planned. It was crazy to think that anything could be between him and Kaname. From a logistical standpoint, she was a graduating student going into college and he was still in the military. He would probably always be in the military because it was the only thing he knew, and to some extent, enjoyed. Efficiency, intelligence, strategy, technology, weaponry, safety, security…

As those words flashed through his mind, he turned off the faucet and hunched over the sink for a few moments. Those words were things Mithril provided for those who couldn’t properly defend themselves against those who wished to harm them. Sousuke didn’t love the military for what it was, he respected it for what it provided. This was a privilege that he never had when he was much younger. Seeing Kaname and her classmates at school only instilled further desire to work four times harder to make sure that they would never have to go through what his home country did. It was a feeling that was imbedded so far into him, even Kaname, despite everything she had done, probably wouldn’t be able to understand. True, he felt stronger when she was with him, but at the same time he was actually scared for her well being. He never wanted to drag her into the situations she had to deal with in the past. In a way, he thanked his lucky stars that she had the perseverance of the gods when it came to handling the predicaments she was constantly finding herself in. Any other citizen wouldn’t have had that kind of courage. This made him wonder what kind of person Kaname would have been if she was enlisted in Mithril as well.
In a way, he felt she would be in a position like Tessa. She had a commanding presence, and a knack of internal military survival skills that, with training, could probably be refined fairly well. However, he couldn’t help internalized Mao’s words. How wonderful was human sexual contact? The only thing he could define it as was during the last moments against Gauron. When she spoke to him through the Danaan, they seemed to share a mutual understanding of what needed to be done. Being in her care, like that, felt divine. It was with her that he never doubted himself, because she was with him, protecting him. The irony was strange and foreign to him since he was supposed to be protecting her. Perhaps that was the strength Kaname had, and the power she had over him. Before then, he existed on the battlefield to protect and serve. After she came into his life, he truly felt alive. The ATF system combined with her words forced him to search into an aspect he long had to lock away for the sake of war. It was a situation where he had to give himself into another force that wasn’t like a comrade or teammate. Describing it was impossible, for it was a different feeling with her, and he didn’t want to lose that.

Honestly, he hoped she was really safe. Things weren’t the same without her these days. It was almost a relief that she wrote to him like that. For he sometimes wondered if she really wanted him gone because he was such a burden to her. With this, it seemed to be a good excuse to go visit her.

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Final chapter will be posted once it\'s finished and edited. That might take a day or so. Please be patient, the end is soon!