At the end of the day

Disclaimer: I know i ALWAYS forget it ^^\" Well than, Gravitation is not mine, the characters in the whole story were created by Murakami :)

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Shuichi was not sure what was crossing Yukis mind at the moment they drove home. He did not say a thing when Shuichi carefully eyed his lover. Was Yuki mad with him because he waited so long or was it because of the kiss he had shared with Hiro?
He could never be certain how Yuki felt or thought. That was the part he hated the most on their relationship.
But, as Yuki was so upset at the moment, he did not want to make his anger grow more. Things could not be worse than now.
If they had a fight at home, Shuichi was sure he would be kicked out again.
He had to apologize so badly and do whatever Yuki wanted him to do. He sighed and froze in shock, afraid of making Yuki angrier than he was. But he just ignored it and seemed to concentrate on the road.

Yuki could not decide what to feel. He was angry, upset, hurt, felt betrayed and all those things. How had it come to this? How could Shuichi kiss his best friend so deeply and passionate? How dare him to kiss another man!
He stared, not really noticing the traffic on the road or the road signs and traffic lights. He was so disappointed of Shuichi. He never imagined Shuichi would do something like that.

When they arrived home, Yuki get rid of his jacket as he threw it on the floor, making his way to the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and gripped a bottle of beer, taking a long and deep sip out of it and let out a satisfied sigh.
Shuichi went shyly inside their flat, picked Yukis’ jacket from the floor and placed it beside his own jacket. He slipped out from his shoes and headed into the living room, where Yuki took a comfortable seat on the couch.
He hated to see his lover drinking too much, but did not say anything.
He covered himself in silence, sitting down at the other end of the couch.
“I’m…so sorry, Yuki!” he started to cry again, tears fell down from his eyes. “The thing with Hiro” he stammered but was interrupted by the growling of his lover.
“Shut up, I don’t want to hear a thing about that anymore! It’s your decision what you do and with who. And if it means you want to get fucked by your best friend, it has nothing to do with me. So just leave me with this shit and shut it!”
Yuki hoped the younger man did not hear how jealous he was in fact. Although he wanted to kick Hiros’ and Shuichis’ ass for this dumb fucking kiss he had to be quiet.
He switched on the TV and stared on the screen without not even noticing what was going on. He just wanted to forget and maybe a stupid tv-show would free his mind of his angry thoughts.
But maybe he had to admit Shuichi that he definitely had feelings for him and tell him such a thing should never happen again.

Yuki sighed and Shuichi took this as an effort to look up at him. He had leaned back on the couch, one leg crossed over the other, the eyes closed.
What was going on in his mind? Did he want to kick him out again? He was frightened Yuki would leave him now. At that moment he was not able to think of his decision, not wanting to live together with Yuki like that. He would stay silent as always – and Yuki would be the winner.
Suddenly Yukis eyes flew open and he stared at Shuichi. He was afraid to get a hit on his head or something, but, to his own surprise, Yuki took his chin and made him look into his eyes.
The distance between them disappeared as Yuki came nearer and nearer to his little lover, his eyes filled with lust. And Shuichi knew what was about to come.
And although he did not like the smell and taste of beer, he gave up. He was too weak to fight again.

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Shuichi moaned out loud while Yukis hands made their way over his chest and on his entire body. Yuki seemed to be everywhere and with each kiss which was placed on his body, Shuichi felt marked as Yukis property.
His body felt pleasured by the physical and hot touch, but his mind was screaming “No” as he hated to make things out with Yuki on that way. It did not seem right to get over problems with sex.
He pulled softly on Yukis hair to involve the novelist into a passionate kiss. Yuki smiled and positioned himself at Shuichis tight entrance. The vocalist tried to relax while Yuki entered his body, slipping deeper and deeper inside of him with each thrust.
He moaned, half in pleasure, half in pain, and opened his eyes to meet the lusty gaze of his lover over him. Yuki searched for Shuichis lips, found them and pressing his against the sweetness of Shuichis’. His tongue curled around the vocalists’ and everything felt just so good.
His thrusts became harder and faster, he tried desperately to mark Shuichi as his own. He did not have to share Shuichi with others, he would never allow that.

Shuichi bucked his hips, meeting every thrust of his lover to feel him deeper, he wanted that spot inside of him hit. He screamed as Yuki met it with every thrust, digging his nails into the back of the novelist and crying in pleasure. Yuki was so passionate and gentle now; he gave him so much, why could he never be like this all the time?
He did not want this moment to end; he wanted to stay with Yuki like this forever. He wanted to look always in these lust filled, but loving eyes.
His muscles tensed and he came with a sharp cry.

Yuki could not hold on any longer when he saw and felt that Shuichi came. He came with a low grunt and gave Shuichi another passionate kiss.
His breath regained and with a satisfied smile, he cupped Shuichis cheek with his hand, kissing his forehead.

Eiri closed his eyes, rolled from Shuichis’ body on his side of their bed. He had been very gently and tender to Shuichi right now, so the little singer had to be happy about it. It was enough. He hoped Shuichi understood what he wanted him to know, without saying it out loudly. It was not easy for him so he preferred to show it physically.
He felt the smaller body beside him pressing against his own, desperately searching for safety and warmth.
Shuichi placed his head on Yukis’ chest, listening to the bumps of the novelists’ heart. Yuki growled, making him clear he did not want to caress him now after they had sex.
So the young singer reacted immediately, enlarging the distance between them again. He hoped that would be okay. Yuki waited a few minutes, then turned around on his left sight, escaping the sad look of his little lover.
“You know, I can fall asleep like this better…” he murmured and Shuichi decided not do complain. He would change nothing.
How stupid had he been to hope everything could turn out into something better?
He turned around on his back, staring at the ceiling through the darkness. Could he stand it any longer to live as a “fuck body” for the novelist? Could he never be more? Even after the long time they had shared so many things?
He felt empty inside, turned on his side, so he faced Yuki with his back, and he hoped to fall asleep soon.

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The side of the bed next to him was empty when Shuichi woke up. He rubbed his eyes, blinked and went sleep drunken into the bathroom. The memories of last night and the love making with Yuki came back into his mind, and Shuichi had the feeling he could still feel every part of his body Yuki had touched aching. He shuddered and turned on the shower, enjoying the warmth in the shower which enveloped him and his body.
After the shower, he rubbed himself dry quickly, and decided to wear a sport trouser and a T-shirt to feel comfortable.
A look at the clock told him that he had been very quick with it. So Yuki could not complain about his “waste of water” and the bills rising up to invaluable costs.
He found the coffee maker still switched on, when he entered the kitchen, so he decided also to take a cup of the hot drink. Usually he did not really like drinking coffee, but after a night full of disappointment and emptiness inside his heart, he needed the caffeine drink. He put also some milk into his coffee and carefully sipped on the mug, enjoyed the warmth spread into his cold hands while holding the mug.
He looked up, the door to Yukis’ office was closed which meant he did not want to be disturbed. But today Shuichi did not care, although he hated the thought of Yuki trying to avoid him and his live. He needed rest, so he could get it. But it was heartless to call him an annoyance. Should he write on his damn novel if work was the most important thing in his life.
He switched on the kitchen radio, hummed the song played on the radio and opening the cupboard, looking for the cereals. Yuki must have put them at the end of this damn cupboard, Shuichi thought, and got angry with his lover again. Yuki knew he was smaller, so why did he always do this? He rose on the tiptoe and finally gripped the package he was looking for.
Oh, Yuki knew he was too small.

Yuki had noticed his little lover woke up when the shower was turned on. He stiffened and knew he would be disturbed in a few minutes when Shuichi was ready. He sighed. He had been able to write a new chapter on his novel, but there was still so much work with it. He had also thought of the possibility to keep this novel shorter than usual, his fans would still be happy to get one more of his stupid romance novels, so what?
He rolled his eyes when he heard Shuichi leave their bedroom. It would not last long and Shuichi would pounce into his office. Well, Shuichi did not really want to annoy him, he knew that, but although this was a fact, he did annoy him. He just tried to be with him, but Eiri was not able to concentrate on his work when Shuichi was inside his room.
A few minutes had passed and Yuki wondered why Shuichi did not came in. He sighed in relief but than noticed the singer had arrived the kitchen.
“So he just went first into the kitchen to get something to eat and drink” he murmured in anticipation to see his lover in a few minutes. But nothing happened, Shuichi did not appear with his childish and happy expression on his cute face like he used to.
A few more words were typed when Yuki looked up again, gazing at the clock in front of him. Why did the brat did not even say “Good morning?” Nothing happened. He shook his head and went on with his novel. He could hear the radio from the kitchen, but nothing else. He smiled and his fingers returned to the keyboard. There was nobody who interrupted him while he worked, and he usually liked this fact. A few minutes passed and with each minute his concentration jumped out the window. He stroked back his hair and bit his lip. How was it possible? Shuichi was not inside, he sat in complete silence in his office, nothing to be pissed off. But even staring on the monitor did not bring any idea to his mind. It annoyed him. It annoyed him that Shuichi did not even try to annoy him.
There was no reason to be upset, unusual in this household. Was Shuichi angry with him? But why should he, he did not even have a reason to be upset. He himself had to be upset!

Shuichi washed up the dishes when he noticed Yuki entering the kitchen.
“You’re so silent this morning, I did not even notice you’re already up.” He went over to the coffee maker, poured fresh coffee into his mug and turned around to face his lover, who dried the dishes.
“I saw you kept your door closed, so I thought you did not like to be disturbed by me!” Shuichi answered in form of a report.
“Since when do you care if I want to be disturbed or not?” He smiled dumbly and did not even know what he wanted to express with this smile.
“You’re always mad at me even if I do what you want me to!” He threw the towel into the sink and turned around to look at Yuki. His expression was as emotionless as always.
“Oh my, are we moody this morning?” Yuki chuckled and shook his head while sipping the rest of his coffee, placing the mug into the sink.
“When you’re washing the dishes, you can do my mug also. Don’t stand there and stare at me, make yourself useful in this household. You could also make new coffee for me.”
“Who am I, your personal slave?” Shuichis voice was filled with bitterness which Yuki tried to ignore.
These words just proved Shuichi that he was nothing more then a simple toy for him, which he loved to use now and than. And now, while Yuki eyed him, he could not decide whether to start screaming or crying.
He turned around, faced the sink and bit his lip, he could not stand Yukis’ gaze. He had lost, again.
He heard the novelist sighing.
“Please, I need to get coffee soon, Shuichi…” and made his way to his office, closing the door behind him and left Shuichi alone. Like he used to.

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Shuichi tried to regain his breath. He had thought he would go insane, but now he began to see everything clearer. He did not want this whole shit to go on. And he did not even know why he made coffee for Yuki. But that was it. That was the mistake he made over and over again. The thing was he always did as he was told, that he forgive everything Yuki did and said. Why was he never able to say no, to win a fight?

Yuki tried hard to go on with his novel. He knew it was his fault that Shuichi became angry again. And he knew he could not blame Shuichi for being angry with him. He had been so mean to Shuichi again, although he did not planned to be like that. It used to went this way always. He had to apologize when the right time came.
There was a low knock on the door and Shuichi entered the room, he placed a cup of coffee on his desk and left in silence. Yuki followed him with his eyes. It was not fair that Shuichi had to suffer from his bad mood. It was written all over Shuichis face that he was hurt. It had always been wrong to blame Shuichi for his dissatisfaction. And he felt sorry. He always felt sorry. Maybe he still tried to protect Shuichi from him.
But this had failed a long time ago. It was too late. Well, too late for him. He could never let Shuichi go away from him.

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The vocalist was still upset. He tried to calm himself with writing some lyrics, but he knew there was nothing to write down on his mind. If he was able to express his feelings, his disappointment, and write it down as a text, maybe Yuki would understand his feelings. But he was too busy with himself and his new novel. Maybe he was not satisfied with his own work, and of course, he blamed him for this.
How could he be the cause of a writers’ block? But Yuki always put the blame on him. But what about Mr. Yuki Eiri himself and his mean behavior? How often had Shuichi not been able to sing when they had a fight?

Yuki left his office to talk to Shuichi. He was determined to clear the whole situation, he hated it, too.
He was an adult and should be able to say “sorry” to the one he lived together for 4 years now.
It was time to do this step. He hesitated, but than opened the door to the living room, where he found his lover sitting on the couch. Shuichi seemed to be away with his mind.
Yuki smiled and went to the couch, watching over the shoulder of the young singer.

“Hey, what are you doing?”
Shuichi looked up to meet golden eyes. Yuki had asked him in a soft tone, and that was not usual for the novelist. So the vocalist became suspicious. He looked down on his pad again.
“Trying to write a new song for our next album” he answered shortly.
Yuki chuckled and asked “Again?” but regretted it even after saying it out loud. He never thought of Shuichi as a good song writer. But now his younger lover became upset again.
He threw the pad and his pen on the table and moaned.
“Yes, I’m trying again. So what’s so funny about it?”
He raised himself from the couch, but Yuki caught him, curling his arms around his younger lover, placing his chin on Shuichis head.
“Oh, nothing” he murmured.
“Let go off me” Shuichi said, struggled away form his lovers embrace and sat down on the couch again. Yuki was confused, staring at his little lover.
“What are you up to?” the singer wanted to know.
“I just wanted to feel you in my arms again” Yuki said cool, but inside still confused and nervous. He sat down next to Shuichi and watched him.
Shuichi became nervous, too, what did Yuki want? Did he want to trick him again?
The cool emotionless Yuki Eiri transformed into the gentle and tender Uesugi Eiri. Shuichi sighed and stiffened when he felt Yukis lips brushing his cheeks. They softly pressed down on him and he could feel his slow breathe on his skin.

“I said go off me” he tried to free himself from Yuki and left the couch.
“Tell me why?” Yuki seemed to be disappointed, but Shuichi could not be touched by this.
“I don’t want to do this just because you feel like you need it! You never care for my wishes, my desires. And now it’s me who doesn’t care about what you want. I don’t want the gentle and sensitive Yuki Eiri around me now!”
He turned around and bit his lip, he didn’t want to cry now. He won’t cry. He did not want to show Yuki again how weak he was in fact. Not now.
“Shuichi…I just wanted to” he stopped for a short moment and than went on “apologize for what I’ve done and said to you.” He swallowed hard and eyed his lover. He did not move, but spoke with clenched teeth.
“You always say sorry and never mean it!”
Now Yuki raised himself too. “Of course I mean what I say!” He stepped to Shuichi, who still faced him with his back, and put a hand on his shoulder to calm his little lover down.
Why did he have to be upset like this?
“I know, things are not what you want them to be. And I know I’m mean to you, too often in fact, and I’m really sorry for this, Shuichi.”
Shuichi did not want to hear his excuses, he did not believe the truth of their meaning. He did not want to hear all those lies.
“You and me…” Yuki started, but was interrupted by the vocalist.
„You AND me are nothing!” Shuichi had turned around to face his lover, slapped away the hand Yuki had placed on his shoulder and watched him with wild eyes.
“You can’t do this to me all the time! You can’t take me as a toy, play with me and throw me away in the same moment. I can’t stand it anymore, Yuki! I’m not a plaything! I’m good for you when you are bored, when you need a body to fuck, when you need somebody to entertain you! You don’t even have a clue how it hurts me all the time, do you? Every time you apologize you make me hope things will change, but they never do! And you still play the cold and emotionless man you probably are!”
He could not control the volume of his voice and each word was spit out louder then the other.
“I don’t want this to continue, Yuki!” he whispered and felt his knees weaken. “I won’t continue this…and I know it’s nothing you care about. I cannot even believe in what you say anymore…”

Yuki could not say anything, his mouth was dry and he felt too hurt by the words Shuichi said. He had never seen Shuichi this upset, angry and hurt before and he did not know how to react in that case.
He was just able to stand there and stared confused on the younger man. He opened his mouth, he wanted to say something, but he couldn’t. He felt trapped. Did Shuichi want to break up with him?

Shuichi shook his head, he had not expected the novelist to react. He stumbled to the door while Yuki followed him, still silent.
Maybe he just wanted to be sure that he really wanted to leave. Or to go on with his silly game with him, which Shuichi did not want to play to the end. He would not go back to Yuki, begging on his knees to come in again. No, he would never do something stupid like this anymore.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Yuki found his voice again, still in a controlled tone.
“Away from you!“ Shuichi shouted, gripping his jacket and opened the door, but Yuki gripped his arm and squeezed.
“Do you want to break up with me, or what are you planning to do?”
Shuichi was too angry to see the hurt look in Yukis eyes, to hear the desperate tone in his voice. He turned around one last time.
“Just forget there was a Shindou Shuichi in your life. Forget my name, forget my existence. It won’t take you too long to forget, I think!”
He slammed the door behind him.
Yuki stood there, stared at the closed door.
Maybe the singer had returned to him when he had decided to run after him. But he didn’t. He was not able to move. He just stood there and stared.

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So, here we are again, the latest chapter I translated. Hope you like it and PLEASE review, it\'s a lot of work to translate, and I would love to know if anybody want this story to go on :)