Come What May

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation nor do I make any money from using the characters. I am a part owner of Kyosuke, though.

NC-17

If you have time, please review. Thank you!!

Note: Don’t forget to thank AshCat and Kri – it’s their story, too. However, I touched this chapter last – so if there are typos – I am to blame.

Come What May

Chapter 4
Runaway Train

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn’t even sleep
So many secrets I couldn’t keep
I promised myself I wouldn’t weep
One more promise I couldn’t keep

It seems no one can help me now,
I’m in too deep; there’s no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there

*****************************************

The thought first came to me one night while I was performing. When I turned my head, I saw him standing at the edge of the stage, watching me intently. It wasn’t the first time he had watched me, but it was the first time I noticed the interest in his eyes. Had he watched me with that hunger before? Had I simply not noticed?

And after the show, when I was done with my shower, he was standing outside the bathroom. I greeted him wrapped in nothing but a towel.

“Shindou-san,” he said with his patented impenetrable smile as his eyes raked over me. “Your stage presence has truly become a thing of beauty. You are very… alluring now.”

“I’m sorry, I must not have heard that correctly,” I shook my head. “Did you say I’m alluring, Seguchi-san?”

Nodding he said, “Yes. I think it is time you were not so formal with me.”

“Really?” I asked suspiciously. “Why is that?”

He turned towards the door as he said, “Well done, Shindou-san. You have become almost as enticing on stage as Ryuichi-san.”

And the idea began to fester inside me.

It was only a few days later when I found myself outside his office and high on amphetamines. Uppers are curious things; they can make you feel invincible and full of self-confidence. They can make you more likely to take risks, ignore warning signs and they tend to make you very, very horny.

I needed something, and I was sure amphetamines would help me get it. I would do anything to get what I needed.

Anything.

I leaned against the door, trying to calm my breathing and my heart rate – both were increased by the drug coursing through my veins along with the crazy gamble I was about to take. I opened the door.

It was almost eleven o’clock at night but I knew he would be there. Sitting behind that mahogany desk, planning people’s lives, living off their souls. He’d been relatively good to me since Eiri had left, you might even say he looked out for me. He had not interfered with Kyosuke and me, he had let me have his cousin, even encouraged the relationship as a way to staunch the bleeding from the open wound left by Eiri.

But I had let Kyosuke walk out of my life and, to top it off, I had essentially thrown away my best friend. Now there was only me. I was all alone. Nothing mattered anymore, nothing except him.

I moved through his office, my hips swaying, my body singing with the endorphin rush the drugs supplied as I turned at the bend in the ‘L’ and faced him. “Tohma,” I said with all the sultriness I could muster.

I wasn’t wearing much; some thin black leather pants that clung to me like a second skin, an unbuttoned lavender silk shirt that matched my eyes and an amethyst nipple ring. I had even left my shoes and socks outside his office. I had unbound my long hair and added just a bit of make up. I knew the affect I had when I was dressed like this. Kyosuke had always drooled over me, as had Hiro. And, when we had been together, even Eiri couldn’t resist me when I was serious about seduction.

He looked up with that fake smile, his mask firmly in place. “Shindou-san, you are here very late tonight. Is there something I can do for you?”

“You know what the day after tomorrow is.” I stated as I leaned against the wall, letting the shirt slide completely open and off one shoulder so that my nipple ring sparkled in the dim light of his office.

Blinking his teal eyes at me he leaned back in his chair and answered, “Yes, Shindou-san, I am well aware of the date.”

“Are you going to see him?”

“No. He has asked me to stay away. He has also indicated he does not wish to be reminded of Kitazawa’s death this year.”

“Someone should be with him, Tohma. He needs someone with him. At the very least, someone to talk to. You know that.” I pushed away from the wall and stepped closer to the desk my shirt sliding further down my arm and gathering at my elbow.

“Shindou-san,” he said quietly as he watched my slinky movements closely, “we have been through this many, many times. You know that I cannot help you.”

“Sure you can,” I purred at him. “You are Seguchi Tohma, you can do anything. Eiri will never have to know. And in return, I can give you a night you will never forget.”

“Shindou-san?” he leaned forward with interest and placed his chin on his upraised hand. “What are you up to?”

I placed my hands on his desk and moved my face close to his so we were eye level, so he could feel my breath when I spoke, “I think you know. You’ve wondered about me, haven’t you? I know I have crossed your mind often. I’ve seen you watching me. And you’ve wondered what qualities I have that kept Eiri around for as long as I did.”

He tipped his head to one side but did not pull away, “Are you trying to seduce me?”

“No,” I whispered as I let the shirt slid completely off. I then climbed onto that huge desk on my hands and knees so I was face to face with him again. I could smell his peppermint breath and his heady scent of pure power, it was terrifying and beguiling. How was this man able to affect me so? Hadn’t I always hated him? “I’m not trying to seduce you. I’m offering you a trade of sorts. An answer to your curiosity.”

His eyes were the color of the ocean during a storm, a mix of gray, blue, and green. Reaching out, he hesitantly touched a tendril of my hair, sliding the long length between his fingers. “I must admit, Shindou-san, I am intrigued by your offer.”

I found myself surprised and for a moment my mouth went dry. But I recovered quickly and asked, “So you want to see more?”

He did not answer me with his mouth, but his eyes said everything. They filled with the dark interest I had seen in him before.

Pushing the few sheets of paper off of his desk I lay on my back, stretched out before him. Letting his eyes sweep over my body, he blinked slowly as he met my gaze once again and reclined back in his chair.

I felt every bit the fabled sacrificial lamb on the mahogany alter of Seguchi Tohma. I let my hands roam over my naked skin, stroking my exposed belly and pinching my unadorned nipple. Somehow I was excited, unbelievably turned on by doing this, by selling myself for a scrap of information. Fleetingly, I hoped my sexual feverishness was due to the drugs.

My fingers danced lightly over my skin and stopped at the button on my pants. I gazed into his eyes again and saw the deep hunger there. This man was more than I had ever dealt with before. Seguchi Tohma was pure dominance in the world of music – my world. He could make or break careers with a nod of his head or a stroke of his pen and here he was, lusting for me. I could feel my delirium rise as I gave into his powerful desire and allowed myself to bend to his will.

I made unbuttoning and unzipping my pants a slow tease. There was nothing on underneath the leather, so this was all I had to entice him with. Wiggling out of my pants, I dropped them to the floor and stretched out again, finally turning my head to see his reaction. There could be no doubt about what I was feeling. I was hard and dripping.

I realized suddenly, with a perverse horror, that I wanted him to touch me.

His eyes were cloudy with lust but he did not move. Finally he whispered, “Shindou-san, what is it you want? You know I cannot help you.”

“Not true,” I said as I sat up and faced him, my legs were apart and my feet dangled off of the desk. I leaned back, my hands behind me supporting my weight. I was alluring, I was sexy, I was easy. I crooned at him, “You can do what ever you want, Tohma. Eiri never has to know how I managed to get his number. You can lie to him and tell him I broke into your office. No one has to know a thing. I know how powerful you are Tohma; you can change the world with your words.”

He raised his hand and, while he did not touch me, he traced the outline of my leg in the air with his hand, hovering mere millimeters from my skin. So close that I could feel his heat.

“Tohma,” I moaned with desire as I raised myself slightly off the desk and my hip brushed against his hand. We both hissed with the contact. I pleaded with him, “Come on. It’ll be our secret. I’ll let you have me, right here, right now, anyway you want. You know you want me.”

“You are tempting,” he finally said as he withdrew his hand. “And forbidden.”

“Forbidden? Well, that sounds irresistible, doesn’t it? Nothing so hot as taboo,” I chuckled as I slipped off the desk and straddled his lap, my knees dipping into the expensive, soft leather on either side of him. My fingers tangled in his unbelievably soft hair and I leaned forward and kissed him. I sunk down, pressing my naked self against him, and received my first shock of the evening.

Seguchi Tohma was hard. And hung like a horse.

I pulled away in mild confusion, “Wh…”

“More than you bargained for Shuichi-san?” he said with that unfathomable smile of his. He rested his left hand on my thigh while twisting a long length of my hair in his right hand. He tugged insistently on my hair, pulling my face close to his. Gently rolling his hips he asked, “Are you surprised to find in some ways I am more than an adequate replacement for Eiri-san?”

I caught my breath – he really was lovely and up close he was... Good gods, what was I thinking? The attraction I felt must be from the drugs!

Regaining some composure I managed to say breathily, “You called me Shuichi-san. How informal of you, Tohma.”

I closed my hand over his and moved it from my hair to my nipple ring. His eyes partially closed as his fingers began moving on their own, pulling and turning the amethyst on the silver loop. I moaned appreciatively as I began unbuttoning his shirt. I leaned closer still and nipped at his neck. I was grinding against his sizable erection. “Does that mean we have a deal?”

His breath caught and he whispered, “Shuichi-san.”

“Come on, Tohma, I can feel how hard you are. You can’t deny you want me,” I said as I pulled his shirt open and pinched a nipple.

This time he moaned. He was trying to resist, but he was losing. I was losing also, I wanted him. It occurred to me vaguely that I was offering myself to a demon, and I liked it!

I nipped at his neck again and continued grinding into him before I whispered, “You can bend me over this desk right now and have me. Or you can have me give you a blowjob. It’s only a few numbers, Tohma, and then you can do whatever you want to me. Anything.”

He suddenly gripped my hips and pushed back, he was grinding against me now. Leaning forward he closed his teeth on my neck and bit me. Really hard. I moaned loudly, “Yes, like that, Tohma. You can have me rough, just like that.”

Someone grabbed my arm and yanked me to my feet. My attempted protest met a resounding slap before I could say anything. My ears rang from the none-too-gentle blow.

“Stop it, Shindou-san!” Sakano huffed at me, the fury in him was clear. “How dare you try and whore yourself out like this!” He pushed me away from Tohma and threw my clothes at me.

Tohma was panting as he said, “Take him home, Sakano-san. Take him home and throw him in a cold shower.”

“And you!” Sakano sputtered as he spun on Tohma. “How could you let it get so far? If I had taken any longer to respond to your summons… what were you thinking?”

Tohma buttoned his shirt as he said testily, “Next time you have a naked, writhing Shuichi-san in your lap, let us see if you can resist. I am certain I need not remind either of you this incident never leaves this room. Ever. Now, get out! Both of you.”


“Shuichi! I said wake up, damn it!”

“Eiri?” I said as I fought my confusion.

“You were talking and moaning in your sleep. Were you having a nightmare or what?” He grumbled at me.

I swallowed as the fear assaulted me before I asked, “I was talking? Um, what did I say?” I grabbed at my neck, feeling for a bite mark.

He furrowed his brow as he watched me. “Muttering is more like it. I couldn’t tell if it was pleasant or not.”

“No, I wasn’t pleasant! It was a nightmare!” I panted with my racing heartbeat. Fuck, I had a hard on! What kind of freak was I?

After a moment of him staring at me I rapidly changed the subject and asked, “How’s your head?”

“Still hurts. But it’s a little better.”

“That’s good,” I said as I tried to act normal and calm.

He looked at me closely, “Are you sick? You look pale. You better not give me anything.”

“I don’t think it’s catching.”

“Why are you acting so weird?” He asked.

“I’m not weird,” I snapped at him.

“Whatever,” he grumbled at me. “I’m going to sleep some more.”

“Good. I’ll start breakfast. You sleep.”

“Hmm.”

I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. My heart was still pounding in my chest. Why would I remember that incident all of a sudden? And in a dream of all things. Was it because I would see Tohma later today? Or maybe because Eiri and I had talked about ‘that night’, the night I had tried to seduce Tohma for Eiri’s phone number? The night I had rolled around naked in front of my boss like a bitch in heat.

And I would have let Tohma have me that night. If Sakano hadn’t shown up, I would have let Tohma do anything to me, even without the phone number, I had let the situation get so far out of control. My memory of that night was sketchy, but I’m certain Tohma would have had his way with me.

If Eiri ever found out… my stomach twisted with nausea and I gagged.

But Tohma had more to fear than I did if Eiri found out, didn’t he? More so because of Mika and his children. I splashed my face with cold water.

If Eiri ever found out, well, there was a lot Eiri didn’t know about. How would he deal with it if he knew what I had done with Tohma? Or Hiro even?

He knew about Kyo and look how he dealt with that.

How could I live like this? If I stayed with Eiri, wouldn’t I be afraid all of the time of some bit of information coming out? How could I hide stuff for the rest of my life?

I went to the kitchen and started some fresh coffee. I needed to check on neko-Yuki soon.

Placing my hands on the counter in front of coffee maker I hung my head and wondered what to do, trying to forget the feel of Tohma’s tongue and teeth on my neck. As I brooded, I heard Eiri come into the kitchen.

He slipped his hands around my waist leaned over and nuzzled my neck. I turned and pushed him away violently.

After staggering back a few feet he snapped at me, “What the fuck is your problem?”

Running a hand through my hair, I answered, “Nothing. Sorry, Eiri. I just don’t want to be touched at the moment. Besides, I thought you were going to sleep some more.”

“I needed some coffee,” he said as he watched me with suspicion. “Are you worried about Tohma coming over tonight?”

“Why would I be worried about seeing Tohma?” I answered much too quickly and much too loudly.

“You did give him a black eye the last time you saw him,” Eiri answered.

I had forgotten about that. “Yeah, you’re right, Eiri. Yeah, that must be it. I am nervous about seeing him again.”

“It makes sense. Not everyone gets to hit their boss with a book and keep their job.”

“Yeah. What should I make for dinner?” I said, trying to steer the conversation away from Tohma.

He raised an eyebrow, “You haven’t decided yet? You know what I will say.”

I smiled at him. “Beef stew it is.” I moved closer to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, “I love you, Eiri.”

Sliding his arms around me he said, “When will the coffee be ready?”

“Fuck you, Eiri,” I snarled as I tried to pull away.

“I can’t,” he answered sarcastically but he held me tight anyway. “You told me you didn’t want to be touched a few minutes ago. Hard to fuck if you can’t touch.”

I sighed. “I thought you said your head still hurt.”

“It does.”

“Then… Oh, fine! I’m going shopping after breakfast.”

“Will you relax?” He grumbled. “It’s only Mika and Tohma.”

I nodded, “Yeah. Right. Only Mika and Tohma.” I gave him a kiss. “I’ll pour you some coffee now.”

He touched my cheek gently and stared into my eyes. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I am. I guess I’m just a bit edgy.”

“That’s something of an understatement. Are you nervous about dinner? I’ll help you.”

“Maybe later. I know your head hurts now,” I said as I got out two cups and poured us some coffee. “Thanks, Eiri.”

“Well, it’s my stupid family. I think you’re crazy for doing this in the first place.”

I leaned against the cupboards and smiled at him. “Truer words were never spoken. I am crazy for doing this.” I set my cup down and kissed his cheek. “I’m going to check on neko-Yuki, I’ll be right back.”

He nodded as he sipped his coffee.

Once I got into my apartment, I exhaled. I fought to calm my thoughts as I searched for the cat. I found him on the bed and I lay down next to him. I decided as I petted my fuzzy friend, his purring soothing me, maybe the best thing was to talk with Tohma. I felt myself unwind. Yes, Tohma had more to lose than I did. I was certain Tohma would have a plan.

After all he was much smarter than me. Wasn’t he?


Beef stew takes about three hours to cook if you do it right. In the end, I had Eiri help me pick out a bottle of wine and he made a salad with baby greens, mandarin oranges, red onions, feta cheese, and slivered almonds. He made some crazy vinaigrette with poppy seeds and mustard that should not have tasted good but, of course, it did. He really was amazing in the kitchen, totally different from me. I had to follow a recipe to the letter. Otherwise, who knows what I’d get. But Eiri could simply throw things together and he had a masterpiece.

If cooking were an art, then Eiri was an artist.

Tohma and Mika were right on time and Eiri let them in with a curt greeting. I was in the kitchen as he gave them drinks and got them settled.

We were acting like a couple.

“Hi, Shuichi,” Mika said as she came into the kitchen and gave me a peck on the cheek. “Can I help you with anything?”

I smiled at her. I had really come to love Mika. In Eiri’s year and a half absence, she checked on me a lot. Almost as if she was my big sister. “No thanks, Mika. You’ve already done enough. Taking care of neko-Yuki.”

“It was my pleasure, Shuichi. Anything to get away from Kyoto for a while.”

“And your children,” Tohma said as he entered the kitchen.

At the sound of his voice, I knocked over a glass and it shattered in the sink.

Eiri practically pushed Mika into the wall as he made his way to me. “Did you cut yourself?”

“No, I’m fine,” I said quietly as I gathered up the pieces of glass. “Thanks.”

“Well, it’s suddenly very crowded in here,” Mika grumbled. “I’m going into the other room.”

“Huh,” Eiri added as he followed her out of the kitchen.

Tohma turned to leave but I stopped him as I said, “Hey. Tohma. Will you be in your office tomorrow?”

He crossed his arms loosely before saying, “Not tomorrow, Shuichi-san. But I will be there next week. Is there something you wish to discuss?”

“Yes.” My mouth was dry again as I met his impenetrable stare. “I need to speak to you about something. Something important.”

He smiled, “You sound so serious.”

“I am. I’m… worried about past incidents.”

His smile widened. “Well, then, I guess we will need to speak soon.”

“We do.”

Tohma raised an eyebrow, “As I said, I will be in my office next week. In the meantime, Shuichi-san, I wouldn’t worry too much about past incidents. We cannot change history.”

I glared at him. “Tohma…”

“We will speak next week, Shuichi-san,” he replied sternly with his smile still in place as he turned to leave the room.

“Whatever,” I grumbled. Fucking Tohma. How could I have almost had sex with him? I shuddered with the memory. But still…

The rest of the evening passed smoothly. Well, until the abrupt end, I should say.

We were finishing our wine and having a quiet conversation about the cat when Mika mentioned Tatsuha being at the house.

Turning to Eiri I said, “Tatsuha was in my house?”

“I thought I mentioned that to you,” he answered with a shrug as he lit a cigarette.

“You made some half-assed attempt when you were high, but I thought you were teasing me or just, well, high. You let him in my house?”

“Well, it wasn’t only your house. It was my house he was in, too. What’s the big deal?”

Slamming my hand down on the table, I stood up. “What’s the big deal?” I hissed with anger.

My rage had exploded to life and I barely even recognized Mika and Tohma’s presence in the room. “What’s the big deal?”

“Shuichi,” Mika said softly, “I let Tatsuha in, you should be mad at me.”

“Did you drive Eiri and I apart for two years?” I snapped at her.

“Well, no,” she answered.

“You are not Eiri and you are not me. So you don’t have a reason to understand the hell we went through because of Tatsuha. But you,” I whirled on Eiri, “you do. How could you do that? How could you let him into my house?”

“Shuichi-san,” Tohma interjected, “like it or not, Tatsuha-san is still Eiri-san’s brother.”

“But… he is… he…” I slammed both my hands down on the table, my fury was out of control. “Tatsuha does not exist as far as I am concerned! And you,” I pointed my finger at Eiri, “you let him into my fucking house? My home? How could you do that?”

Eiri cocked his head at me and took a drag off of his cigarette his eyes were almost brown – the color of anger, “Don’t you think we should talk about this later?”

“Eiri,” Mika said warningly, “don’t…”

“Talk about it later? Yeah, right. Later as in never? Were you ever going to tell me, Eiri?”

“Shuichi-san,” Tohma said sternly.

I snapped my head to glare at him, but when my eyes met Tohma’s, my mind suddenly replayed the words I had just said. Were you ever going to tell me? I made a sudden comparison in my head. Was this any different from my exploits with Hiro and… Tohma?

Confusion washed over me. Eiri had let Tatsuha into my house. Tatsuha. I felt violated. But did I have the right to be angry?

It didn’t matter. I was angry.

I turned away from the table and walked towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Eiri said lowly. He was furious.

I wrenched the door open and said, “Away from you.”

“Hey, wait! You fucking little…” That was as far as he got before I slammed the door.

I closed the door to my own apartment with a slam as well. Eiri was well aware of my… volatility when I was angry. I didn’t think he would try to come over, but I put the chain on the door anyway. He was learning to allow me some cool down time, but the chain would remind him of it if he stormed over in his own rage. Although, by the sound of his voice, he seemed mad enough he might kick the door in.

And then the battle would be on. One of these days, we would have to get our anger under control or we might actually kill one another.

What a fucked up day. Waking up with a hard on thinking about Tohma. Spazzing out about weird shit I did after Eiri had dumped me. Freaking out about Tatsuha with Tohma and Mika watching.

I reached for my phone. I needed Hiro. Or Kyo. They would help. I began dialing when there was a knock at my door. It wasn’t a gentle knock, but it wasn’t an angry pounding either. It was a safe bet whoever was knocking wasn’t Eiri.

“What?” I shouted.

“Will you please open the door?”

It was Mika. I felt kind of bad about her. I opened the door slowly and let her in. She stepped in calmly and turned to me.

“Mika, I’m sor…” I started but she stopped me with a hard slap. Really hard.

Have I mentioned what good arm strength Uesugi family members have?

“Oww! What was that for?” I snarled at her.

“Tatsuha was my idea, Shuichi. Not Eiri’s.” She placed her hands on her hips and glared at me. Those Uesugi have that glare down as well. I rubbed my cheek as she continued, “Eiri may be a selfish, screwed-up and difficult man, but you knew his limitations when you agreed to get back together with him. Don’t throw a temper tantrum at him over something I did. You two have enough problems without whining about Tatsuha.”

“But Tatsuha…”

Was as far as I got before she cut me off, “What do you want me to say, Shuichi? Tatsuha is a horny punk that messed up your life? It’s true. Tatsuha is a bastard? He is. But he’s still my brother. And Eiri’s. Maybe you have to decide if you can live with that. Don’t force Eiri to make a choice between you and Tatsuha. We both know he’d pick you and tear my family apart.”

I remained silent.

She looked at me with sympathy, “I know Tatsuha really did a number on you, but please, Shuichi, don’t make Eiri choose. Go ahead and stay angry with Tatsuha, you have every right. I’m not asking you to forgive him.”

“You don’t know, Mika. And I won’t forgive him,” I said softly. “Not ever.”

Her hand fell to her sides, “I can’t say I blame you. Shuichi, I’m very sorry.”

“You’re sorry? For what?”

“I made Tatsuha come here because I knew he was terrified of your cat,” she said and then she sat down and held out her hand as an invitation for me to sit next to her. I joined her warily, still rubbing my cheek. “For some reason, I thought you would find that amusing. Tatsuha was so scared he wouldn’t come out of the extra bedroom most of the time. But I underestimated your feelings about the matter, your feelings of betrayal. I apologize.”

She was taking the blame, cleaning up after her brothers as she always had. Poor Mika. Older sister to angry, damaged Eiri and perverted, whorish Tatsuha, forced to give up her childhood to raise the two. And then she married the ice-cold Tohma who had an unhealthy attraction to her brother.

Although, when I thought about it, Tohma wasn’t always ice-cold. I shook my head -- why couldn’t I get that night out of my head? I hadn’t thought about it for months, now the memory plagued me. I forced the thoughts away.

“Mika, I don’t know what to say. Right now, I can’t imagine ever forgiving Tatsuha for totally fucking up my life. But I owe you a lot and, to be honest, I never had any intention of making Eiri choose between his family and me. It’s not as if I’m welcome at your dad’s house anyway. Keeping family separate from my relationship with Eiri isn’t difficult.”

“So that means you won’t attend holidays and parties with us?” She asked sadly.

I chuckled, “It’s not as if I ever did. I got over my disappointment about not being included in Uesugi family gatherings years ago. Eiri and I used to fight about it a lot, but now I’m rather relieved. It means no pretending or fights with your father and, now, the added bonus that I won’t have to see Tatsuha. So, no worries, Mika. Nothing will change.”

“But now that Tatsuha is with Ryuichi, won’t you see him on tour as well?”

“He’s with Ryu?” I blinked. This day was totally fucked.

“Oh, for god’s sake, Eiri didn’t tell you?”

“No.”

“They got together a short while ago. Father is furious.”

“Huh. I’m not sure how I feel about that.” Ryuichi and Tatsuha? Freaky Ryuichi, who could bend Tohma’s conniving brain like a pretzel together, with starry-eyed Tatsuha, who did most of his thinking with his cock. Did Tatsuha have any idea what he was getting into? Ryuichi would… I smiled internally. Ryuichi would shred Tatsuha’s brain. Tatsuha would be lucky if he came out of the relationship a drooling, lobotomized idiot.

“Shuichi?”

“Yeah,” I answered as I looked into her concerned eyes. I smiled, “You’re worried about Eiri and me?”

“Well, yes. You did just storm out of his house and he’s throwing his own temper tantrum across the hall,” she said quietly.

“Don’t worry. We’re always like this, we’ll get through it.”

“Don’t you get tired of it?”

“Sure,” I nodded. “But right now it is the only way we know how to communicate. We are going to therapy, you know,” I snorted derisively.

“I do know. And I think it’s a good thing, Shuichi. It certainly can’t hurt either of you.” She stood up and said, “I suppose I should get back. Are you going back over?”

I stood up as I shook my head. “No, if I go back tonight we’d only try to kill each other. Best to let us settle down tonight. Don’t worry, one of us will give in come morning. It might even be me.”

She smiled at me and then gave me a hug, “When did you grow up and get so serious? It’s hard to see, Shuichi. I’m sure it’s hard for Eiri to see, too.”

Hugging her in return I said, “I know, Mika. Could you make sure to nag Eiri about taking his medication?”

“I will. Thanks for dinner, Shuichi. It was wonderful,” she said as she opened the door and stepped out into the hallway.

I closed the door quietly behind her and leaned against it. I was suddenly overwhelmed with extreme sadness. I needed some cheering up. Making my way back to the couch I grabbed my phone again and dialed. It would be early afternoon in London and it only rang twice before he answered.

“Hello?”

“Hiro?”

“Hey, Shu. How are you?” He asked cheerfully. Hiro was exactly what I needed.

“I’m… okay. How are you?”

“I’m good. Really good.” He paused and then said, “But you don’t sound good. What’s up?”

“It’s, um,” I sighed. “How’s Kyo and Suguru?”

“At the moment, very busy,” he answered with a chuckle.

“You’re not with them?”

“Not this time. I’m tired.”

“How is that… you know, don’t all three of you...?” I stammered trying to figure out how to ask.

“Sometimes. But it can get complicated. ‘We have a plethora of untapped options’ as Kyosuke is fond of saying.”

I grinned in response feeling myself relax, “Yeah, that sounds like something Kyo would say.”

“So, Shu, what’s going on?” Hiro said as I heard him light a cigarette. “Has Yuki-san gotten under your skin again?”

“You might say that.”

“Because of therapy? How did that go?”

“It was insane. There is so much coming, and it’s dredged up so many bad memories and we’ve only had one session.” I exhaled as I felt the walls of the dam crack and the tears began leaking out. “I’m… Hiro, I’m scared. What happens if Eiri finds out all the things I did while he was gone? I don’t know if he’ll be able to handle it.”

“Hmm, so that’s what is bothering you,” he replied with his usual completive style. “In the first place, I think you need to remember that both of you made some hefty mistakes. You also need to remember that your relationship does not hinge on your actions alone, Shu. Be it now or when you were apart.”

“I know that. But Hiro, you of all people know what a monster I was. I was capable of just about anything, and I did almost everything. I’m not sure Eiri knows the extent of that - sickness. How will that affect our relationship?”

“So you went crazy for a while,” I could almost hear the shrug. “How could Yuki-san fault you for doing really dumb stuff when he wasn’t around to help keep you in line? Personally, I lay much of your temporary insanity as his feet. And honestly, Shu, after speaking with him, I think he does, too.”

“That seems too easy,” I answered.

“What part?” He answered. I heard a loud moan in the background.

“The part about not blaming me for stuff I did because he wasn’t around. I mean come on, Hiro. I was freaky crazy, you know that. The stuff I did was so out there. There’s really no explanation for it. And it’s easy to say ‘we were apart, so it doesn’t matter’ but what happens when he hears details? And I think that might be what this therapist is aiming for.”

“So, then let me ask you, what is regretting your past actions doing for you?” Hiro asked softly. “Is it fixing the situation? Or is it making you more scared of what might happen?”

“Mostly it is keeping me awake at night,” I replied with a sigh.

“Not sleeping? Hmm, not very conducive to healing a relationship, is it?”

“Not very conducive… fuck, you’ve been around Kyo too long. And by the way, is that Suguru I hear screaming in the background?”

Laughing he replied, “Yeah. They have this game they play where…”

I cut him off, “Okay, okay. I didn’t ask for details.”

“Hey, you used to tell me all sorts of gory details about you and Yuki-san. It’s only fair, after all.”

“I’m serious, Hiro,” I said with a surliness in my voice. “I don’t need to hear about you guys and the sexual games you play.”

“Oh, I get it,” I could hear the smirk in his voice. “You’re jealous.”

“Of course, I’m jealous!” I snarled at him. “You have two people that love you. And show it. Sometimes too much. You also didn’t spend the last six months of your life listed as clinically insane. How could I not be jealous?”

“I was with Ryu for a while, so I take exception to your inference that I have been without my own crazy moments. But if you must know, Shu,” he said quietly. “I’m envious, too.”

“Bullshit,” I snapped. “What do you have to be envious of?”

He sighed this time before saying, “You are totally devoted to Yuki-san. Even after everything. You might try to deny it, but your world still revolves around him. You gave him everything, and still give him everything and more. And even thought he is taciturn, guarded, and will deny it if you ask him, Yuki-san is the same way about you. It took me a long time to understand and to see that. The two of you would move Heaven and Earth if you thought it would be the right thing for the other party. Now, I’m not saying either one of you is correct in your actions or perceptions, but there can be no doubt, whatever the two of you do or did, was for the benefit of the other.”

“Huh,” I answered. “I’m not sure I understood all that, but I think I know what you are saying.”

“Maybe what you really need is too learn how to trust Yuki-san.”

“What? Are you crazy? How could I?”

He exhaled, “Yeah. Perhaps your therapist sees your lack of trust in each other as a problem. How will you move forward if you can’t ever trust Yuki-san or him you?”

“I… I guess I don’t know.”

“It’s something to think about Shu.”

I did think about it for a moment. Trust. Well, it was true trust was sorely lacking in my relationship with Eiri. But that couldn’t be all. Or could it?

“Also, I know this will be difficult for some parties to deal with, but maybe you could talk to Kyosuke about what you’re facing,” he said with a sigh.

“Why Kyo?”

“We have discovered Kyo’s sordid past. He’s done all kinds of crazy things. Maybe he would have some words of wisdom for you.”

“Sordid past, huh? I had no idea.”

“Yeah, neither did we,” Hiro grumbled. He quickly changed the subject back, “You know, I can think of another reason you shouldn’t be envious of my relationship.”

“Really?” I said skeptically. “And what’s that?”

I could hear his smile again as he continued, “When you think about it, both you and Yuki-san are so difficult, you are each equal to two people. So really, instead of a threesome – you might say you and Yuki-san are the equivalent of a foursome.”

“Ha-ha, very funny,” I replied with sarcasm.

Hiro spoke away from the phone, “No, he hasn’t been in a foursome, Kyosuke. At least, not recently. Stop whining, I told you he’d only do that with us. Hey!”

“So Shu,” Kyo’s bright voice came on the line. “When are you coming back to us? I’ve been missing you and I’d love to see you again.”

I laughed in spite of myself, “You are a shameless flirt. Probably two or three weeks. I’ll have to work out exactly when, soon. It’s good to hear your voice, Kyo.”

“Hey, are you okay, Shu? You sound kind of down. Do you need me to bother Yuki-san for you? No charge. Hey, I might even pay you for the privilege.”

“I don’t think that will be necessary,” I chuckled again.

“Shu?” his voice shifted to soft and comforting, as he used to do when he would hold me as I cried over Eiri. “Tell me, what’s going on?”

The tears stung my eyes again and I tried to laugh my way out of it. “You know, sometimes I can’t help it, I still wish it had been you.”

“Why is that Shu? Because I’m so hot? Because I’m so smart? Because I’m easy to deal with?”

“I wouldn’t say easy, maybe easier,” I answered ignoring his other two grandiose options. “You’re not as complicated or as completely fucked up in the head.”

He was quiet for a moment before he said, “We’ve had this discussion. You can’t choose whom you fall for, Shuichi, and you can’t regret the path not taken. You need to stop looking over your shoulder; you need to let go of me. It’s messing with your head. And if I know your boyfriend, it’s messing with his head as well.”

It was possible. Eiri remained hypersensitive about Kyo, was he picking up on my regret? “Yeah, Kyo. I think you may be right.”

“Of course.” In my mind I could see his self-satisfied smirk. “Although, if you ever change your mind, you know I’m around.” Away from the phone he said, “Oww, stop it, jealous one. Hey!”

I heard the phone change hands.

“Don’t mind him, Shuichi,” Suguru said into the phone. “I wanted to tell you, we are working on those other songs. But Kyosuke can be very distracting.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet he can be.” I scoffed. “Hey, Suguru, I need to ask, I’ve always thought you were the steady, sane one out of the three of us in the band. How are you managing with your life in constant turmoil? I mean a permanent threesome, how much more chaotic can you get? How do you cope with it?”

“How do you cope?” He answered my question with a question.

“What?”

“You have constant turmoil in your life and you manage. Well, sometimes. I always knew you were dense, but haven’t you figured it out yet? It’s all about love and trust.”

“Love and trust? Excuse me, I thought I was talking to Fujisaki Suguru, but I must be mistaken.”

He laughed. He actually laughed. “I’m happy, Shu and you should be, too. You are with the one you love, finally. It may not be perfect, but if I know you, your determination will get you through any diversity.”

“Holy crap, what have they done to you?” I sputtered. “Have they replaced you with a nice robot Suguru?”

“Um, I guess you might say they taught me how to relax.” There was some conversation in the background. “I’m sorry, we’ve got to go, Shu. Will you be all right?” Suguru asked with genuine concern.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Besides, you’re kind of freaking me out by being so normal.”

He laughed again before saying, “Okay then. Call more often, okay? They worry about you a lot.”

“Is that so?” I said with disbelief.

“Yes Shuichi. That is so. We all worry about you, so check in more often.”

“Um, okay.”

“What’s that you say, Shu? Give them both a kiss? With tongue? Okay, will do! Bye, Shu!”

I laughed at his silliness. Who knew Suguru could have dislodged the enormous stick jammed up his ass. “Good bye, Suguru. I’ll call again soon.”

Suguru called me Shu. He wanted me to be happy. He was joking around with his boyfriends. What the fuck was happening? Could a steady dose of sex really be behind Suguru’s change? Or did it come down to the fact he loved and trusted them?

Trust. There was that word again. I decided the next time I had a chance, I would ask Suguru about it. How had he, the most suspicious person I had ever met, learned to trust? And not one, but two people.

There was another knock. This knock was quiet and gentle, definitely not Eiri-like.

“Who is it?’ I shouted.

“Tohma,” was the quiet answer.

“I’m not in the mood to talk, Tohma,” I snarled.

“Open the door, please, Shuichi-san.” It wasn’t quite a command and yet it was.

I pulled the door open and let him in. Alone with Tohma. I looked at him closely, standing straight and proud, his eyes narrow and burning with challenge. This was how I usually thought of Tohma. Not the bizarre images of one mistaken night.

“You will come see me first thing Monday morning,” he stated evenly. “I believe you and I have something to discuss. In my office.”

Gah! I didn’t answer.

Tohma’s voice dropped lower, “I expect to see you Monday morning, Shuichi-san, do you understand?”

He had first called me Shuichi-san the night we… “Yes, I understand.”

“Excellent.” His eyes relaxed and he smiled – either real or fake – I wasn’t sure if Tohma even knew and then he said softly, “Try not to worry so much. Eiri-san is very agitated over your strange behavior.”

Fuck. I nodded before I answered, “Yes. I’ll try.”

Reaching for the door he said, “Good night Shuichi-san. Dinner was exceedingly good. You and Eiri-san do complement one another exceptionally well, in spite of your differences.”

I held the door open as he stepped out into the hallway. I was about to make a smart-assed comment when I looked across the hall, to Eiri’s apartment. Mika stood across the hall, outside Eiri’s opened door conversing with her brother at his opened door.

Our eyes met and we glared at each other for a moment. Then we both stepped back, our actions literally mirror images, and at the same time our doors closed.

So much for acting like a couple.

TBC


Lyrics for Runaway Train by Soul Asylum

Note: The Tohma/Shuichi scene was originally intended for Illusions of Life, but I took it out, afraid of alienating too many people. I believe it is much better now and to be honest, I’m not entirely sure I could have pulled it off any earlier in the story. Even so, I suppose it will freak a few people out. I apologize if it does, but I still couldn’t help myself. :)