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In Err, My Suffering	By : westernink Category: Rurouni Kenshin > General Views: 5774 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
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Chapter List
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�� In Err, My Suffering

Part IV o V

*�� *�� *�� *

Disclaimer:�
Why do I even need one of these?�
I do not own Rurouni Kenshin
or the characters thereof.�� Used without
permission.

Credit:� This
story was inspired by a fanfic I truly love called "Loving a Killer"
written by Tiian.�
I got the idea from reading that, and the said author's permission to
write this piece.�

*�� *�� *

�� Nothing
had mattered except her, having her, convincing her...

�� Only,
he hadn�t convinced her.�

�� Misao
clearly wasn't ready and he didn't know what "ready" was.� What were they getting ready for?

�� It
wasn't sex, last night had proven that.

�� It
had to be more than that.

�� Commitment?� Marriage?� Children?� What?

�� He
had the nagging feeling it had a lot more to do with leaving the past where it
lay and moving forward toward commitment and marriage and children.� He wondered if Misao knew that.

�� So
he'd made his decision.

�� The
only problem was he knew Misao had not made her decision and hers was
all that mattered.�

�� Morning
was still several hours off and Misao had not shifted or made any indications
that she was having bad dreams.� He had
contemplated leaving, but ultimately found himself unable to pull himself away.
�He regarded it as his personal weakness
that he was unable to leave her side that he couldn�t deny himself the painful
pleasure of lying beside her.

�� He
was a weak man.

�� Broken by a woman.

�� And
he couldn�t change it.

�� He
didn�t even want to, a sure sign of complete defeat.

�� He
switched positions, laying on his back and she curled
herself around him in her sleep.� He
sighed.

�� There
would be no peace, no sweet lassitude of sleep for him this night.� Perhaps any night, if she
ever asked him to do this again.�

�� Gently
prying himself away from her, he sat up and shrugged his yukata
off his shoulders.� He had worn nothing
beneath the thin garment, it was simply too warm.� He was hesitant to remove it with Misao in
the bed beside him.� He would be far too
tempted to wake her and...

�� "Aoshi-sama?"

�� She
sounded sleepy and he glanced toward her.�
It was too dark to see her face, only the general silhouette of her.

�� She
sat up and laid her head against his arm.�

�� "Can't
sleep?"

�� She
sounded so young.� Reminders of Misao age
always made him feel like he was shaming himself and her by thinking the way he
did of her.

�� It
made his lust for her a guilty pleasure.

�� "No,"
he replied.

�� The
heat didn't help, but it wasn't the warmth of the environment that was keeping
him awake.� It was Misao next to him that
was keeping him from sleep.� Memories,
thoughts, desires...

�� Of
past, of present...

�� In
this room, on this floor, in this bed... he'd had her here.

�� He
wanted her again.

�� A
thin sheen of sweat covered his body and the more he thought, the worse his
situation got.� It had only begun as a
way to keep himself occupied, thinking about other
things.� He couldn't very well turn off
his thoughts.

�� Somehow
his thoughts had morphed into that afternoon in the forest, but had quickly
turned into a vision of her in his lap, of his hands on her hips, guiding her
as she rode him.

�� It
was intensely erotic and the feelings had caused him no short amount of
aggravating grief.� He'd gone back and
forth between irritation at his weakness and pulse pounding desire.� It wasn't any better really that he'd sat
there for at least an hour contemplating how good it would feel to touch
himself when she was laying there right next to him.

�� It
felt wrong and illicit and... good.�

�� But
in the end, he hadn't.�

�� "Too warm?"

�� Her
voice brought him back and he glanced down at her dark form at his side.� Too warm was certainly one way to describe
it, wasn't it?

�� But
Misao was afraid of him.�� That he
knew.� He'd seen her tremble and shy away
just slightly.� He knew not what her
dreams were about, but he knew enough that they were of him.

�� He
hadn't been gentle with her when they had joined in the forest.� It was that memory, perhaps more than the one
they had recently made that stuck with him so vividly.�

�� He
hadn�t been exactly gentle with her in this room the last time, had he?

�� No�

�� Aoshi-sama�?�

�� He
glanced back at her.�

�� Did
you sleep at all tonight?�

�� Could
she tell?� Even in the dark?�

�� Not
much,� he admitted, feeling the need to be truthful.

�� He
couldn�t lie to her without feeling guilty and he wanted no more guilt with
Misao.

�� Can�t
relax?� Too hot?� Do you have enough room?� she sounded young
and innocent and it made him feel like a heel that he was thinking about
slipping her yukata off and �

�� He
cleared his throat and hurriedly looked away.�
She had pulled her yukata back over her
shoulder from where he�d tugged it off.�

�� Aa,� he answered to none specifically, hoping the answer
would quiet her.

�� Even
sounding young she sounded appealing and he didn�t like what it was doing to
his body.� No, he took that back, he did
like what it was doing to him, but it was wrong and had to stop.

�� He
was indulging himself too much.

�� Can
I touch you, Aoshi-sama?�

�� She�d
asked this before and he�d obliged.� He
wanted her to touch him, to be unafraid, to feel� safe.� Misao should never feel unsafe with him.� She was the most precious thing in the world
to him.

�� He
laid back down and closed his eyes.� When she moved he stayed still, but when he
felt her body moving over his, the inside of her knee on the other side of his
waist, his eyes flew open, startled.

�� She
settled, sitting over his hips.� His
arousal pulsed beneath her and he could only wonder what she thought of it
pressed against her.� He could feel the
heat of her seeping through his clothes.�
He knew she had to feel him, but she made no indication of it.� Her expression was hidden in darkness.

�� Can
I touch you all over, Aoshi-sama?�

�� His
throat tightened and he grunted and he let her take the answer any way she
would.� It didn�t seem to discourage her,
however, as she laid her hands against his chest.� She pressed her palms against him; he could
feel the sweat between her palms and his skin.�
He dropped his head back further, lifting his chin, turning his eyes
away from her silhouette atop him.�

�� She
slid her hands, higher and higher, over the planes of his chest, clawing one
nail over a long scar before moving up and up.�
She curled her fingers against his neck, her pulse pounding against her
finger tips.� She leaned forward,
shifting her weight against his entrapped erection, pressing down causing him
to gasp.�

�� She
pressed her fingers downward to grate her fingers against his skin, down his
chest to his stomach, not gouging, not scratching, but feeling.� As though she wanted to
feel the texture of his body against her nails.

�� She
leaned forward even more, and her body slid down.� He stared up, the
ceiling was a dark blur.� He felt her
breath before he felt her lips, soft and wet against the center of his chest.

�� She
turned her head then and laid her cheek against him.� �I missed you, Aoshi-sama.�

�� How
could she speak and think so sweetly like this?�
Didn�t desire course through her as it did him?� Didn�t it feel the same for her?� Didn�t she want him inside her?

�� What
did she want?

�� She
lifted her head a moment later and sat up.�
He thought it was over, she was moving away, but instead of off and
beside him, she moved down.� She straddled
his thighs as her slender fingers slipped beneath the thin tie of his
sash.� He lifted himself slightly and
pulled it loose.� She didn�t react that
he could tell, but he pictured her smiling at him.

�� He
couldn�t see if she was.

�� She
managed to get it open and he could see enough of her to realize she had pulled
it around her neck.� His attention fell
away from her when he felt her shy fingers pulling his robe open slowly,
hesitantly.� But she could see no better
than him in this darkness, not even a ninja�s eyes were good enough to see
through darkness such as this�

�� She
moved over him again, the heat of her body greater.� She pressed down slowly and he all but choked
at the feel of her bare sex pressing against his cock.�� She was hot and soft and�

�� Misao!�
he barked, his voice rough, strained.

�� Should I stop?� she asked, her voice soft, as
though she were embarrassed.

�� No,
don�t� Don�t stop.�

�� He
reached for her hips, but she caught his wrists with a quickness that made him
realize how sluggish he really felt.�

�� Ah,
ah!� she chided.� �I want to touch you,
Aoshi-sama.� Let me do the touching.� Your hands are too rough.�

�� His
hands were too rough?� What did that
mean?� He decided he didn�t care
immediately what that meant when she shifted her hips slightly, dragging
herself against him.�

�� His
manhood was pressed tight up against his body, caught between his abdomen and
Misao's nether lips.�

�� He
trembled beneath her, his fingers digging into the linens beneath him as he
fought not to grab her and...

�� She
dragged herself against him again, downward.�

�� He
bit his lip hard trying not to catch his tongue between his teeth.� How could she - he groaned as she began to
move slow, up and down, dragging, a slow, grinding movement.

�� How
could she tease him this way?

�� Didn't
she crave him as he so badly did her?

�� She
pressed harder and he felt her nether lips open more, and Misao answered with a
low pitched moan, a sound of pleasure, of want.

�� This
pleased her?

�� She
lifted her body higher, only rubbing their skin together, hot and wet, slowly
wetter.�

�� She
stopped, her body shuddering against his and he groaned in disappointment.�

�� Misao��

�� "Don't
move Aoshi-sama..." she murmured softly.

�� She
began to rock her hips against him once more and he groaned at her slow,
teasing touches.

�� Her
eyes drifted closed as she moved against him, his hips rising up beneath her,
grinding himself against her as much as he could.

�� As
her body slid higher, against the sensitive head of his arousal, his hands shot
up from the linen and to her waist.� She
gasped, startled as he forced her down against him hard, their bodies mashing
together.

�� He
jerked her body against his roughly, their bodies jarring together hard until
he groaned sharply and twitched.�

�� Misao
leaned down, tracing her fingers up his chest, surprised at sticky residue she
found there.� She slid her fingers
through it curiously.�

�� "Aoshi-sama,"
she began, pinching her fingers together.�
"What is this?"

�� He
sighed.

*�� *�� *�� *

�� Dawn
escaped Aoshi.� He woke in Misao's bed,
his head a mess.� She was curled up
beside him sleeping peacefully, oblivious of his presence.

�� Misao
had bad dreams about him, that he knew.� She'd admitted so the previous night and
she'd mentioned it to him before.� He did
not know what to do about bad dreams.

�� As
far as he knew, there was no way to be rid of them.� He'd been plagued with dreams of some sort
for most of his adult life and never escaped them until something worse came
along.

�� The
only good dreams he ever had were dreams of his past at the Aoiya, when Misao
was a child.� He no longer knew how to
feel about that.� How he felt about
knowing her as such a small girl.

�� Was
he betraying the Okashira previous to himself?�
Misao's grandfather?� Was he
betraying that man's wishes for Misao, to care for her?

�� He
felt as though he was and he wasn't.

�� His
dalliances with Misao were shameful.�
They cast badly on both of them, but it was Misao who would bear the
brunt of the guilt were they ever publicly exposed.� If she became pregnant and was not married...

�� It
would be his fault.

�� Quietly,
he left her there, curled up in her bed.

�� He
wasn't sorry to go.� His
ability to think clearly when beside her greatly diminished.� He felt drunk around her at times, simply
willing to concede to whatever she wanted as long as it was harmless.

�� He
was a broken man.

�� He'd
been a broken man from the first time he'd touched her.� From the first time he'd pushed inside her in
the forest.�

�� That
would forever be their moment of history stood still.

�� It
would always be his, at least.

�� He
returned to his room where he cleaned himself up and dressed for the day.� Down the stairs and halfway to the door, he
was stopped.

�� "Aoshi?"

�� He
froze near the doorway, but didn't turn back.�
"Aa?"

�� He
recognized Okina's voice and the distinct pitch of
his disapproval.� He was in trouble... ��

�� He
hadn't been in trouble in ages.

�� He
turned back and entered Okina's little study off the
corridor and the old man followed.

�� The
older man didn't sit but stared at him with a deep frown upon his face.

�� "Aoshi,
it has come to my attention that you and Misao seem to be sharing a room?"

�� "No,
we are not."

�� Okina
raised a brow.� "Do you deny then
that you are having physical relations with her?"�

�� "No."

�� His
frown deepened.� "It is
inappropriate behavior and I will not willfully tolerate it.� If you wish to be intimate with her, you must
marry her."

�� Aoshi
nodded.� "Aa.� Is that
all?"

�� Okina
blinked.� "That's it?� Do you intend to wed her?"

�� Aoshi
turned toward the doorway.� "Misao
declined."

*�� *�� *�� *

�� Misao
woke to an empty room.� She would've
worried had he stayed and cuddled with her, but it was disappointing.�� She hadn't so much as decided on breakfast, let alone what to do with her day when Okina
appeared before her, smiling.

�� "Good
morning, precious.� Sleep well?"

�� She
frowned and sat down.� Was he eluding to something?

�� "Same
I guess," she answered.

�� She
hadn't had any bad dreams, that was a plus.� Her hips were slightly bruised from Aoshi
grabbing her, that was a minus.� The man needed restraints...

�� "We
need to speak, Misao."

�� She
nodded numbly.� "I had nothing to do
with whatever you found."

�� "No,
no," he bristled.� "This isn't
about one of your practical jokes.� I'm
concerned about you and Aoshi."

�� Her
head snapped up.� "Me and
Aoshi?" she repeated.

�� He
nodded and sat down across from her.�
"Did he offer marriage to you?"

�� She
thought.� He had... sort of, hadn't
he?� Well, he hadn't made it sound like
an offer of marriage, he was offering concessions and she didn't want those.

�� "Not really and sort of, why?"

�� "Did
you truly say no?� Is that not what you
desired?"

�� She
sighed.� "It's not that easy,
Jiya."

�� He
stood, a glower upon his face.� "Very well, but I expect the two of you
to conduct yourselves like responsible adults.�
No more relations, do I make myself clear?"

�� She
felt her face flush and she nodded, too embarrassed to say anything.

�� He
walked off and she dry swallowed.�

�� He
knew?

�� Argh... of all the things she'd have rather kept a
secret.� At least, though, he didn't know
about the forest incident.� He would not
be so forgiving of that, she thought.

�� "Misao?"

�� She
turned back to see Aoshi near the doorway.�
"If you are not busy, would you join me for a bit?"

�� She
stood up, deciding to forego breakfast.�
She suddenly wasn't hungry anymore.

�� She
followed him outside and they began to walk.�
She was somewhat surprised when he led her to the Temple.

�� "Um..."
she paused in the doorway.� "Why are
we here?"

�� "We
need to speak."

�� She
growled.� She didn't want to talk, she
wanted to... to...

�� Something!�

�� But
not talk with Aoshi.

�� "Misao...
come in here."

�� She
finally stepped past the threshold of the Temple
and stepped inside.� She sat a good two
feet away, not wanting to be too close while she sulked.

�� "What about?"

�� She
didn't want to know what about, she felt she already knew and she didn't want
to discuss it.

�� "Okina
spoke to you?"

�� She
frowned. "Yes.� He said no more... 'relations'."

�� Aoshi
stared straight ahead.� "Aa.� Do you wish to marry me?"

�� She
crossed her arms huffily.� "I don't
know.� I used to think it was all I
wanted.� Now, I just... What's marriage?� Do we want to get married?� Why, just because we've been... close, er... you know..."

�� "..."

�� "To
everyone else it's the right thing to do, but what if it's really the wrong
thing... What if we're stuck together... what if... " she trailed off.�

�� She
didn't know what she was thinking.

�� It
wasn't her love she doubted.

�� It
was his.

�� It
was always him.

�� If
he wanted her, he was going to have to do something more than offer
himself.� She couldn't give into
something she was deathly afraid she'd regret later because he didn't love her
enough.

�� "I
see."� His tone was grave.� "Very well."

�� She
stood up.� "I guess..."

�� "I'll
return for dinner," he stated and she had the feeling their talk was
over.��

�� She
turned away hesitantly and left.

�� The
walk back to the Aoiya never seemed so empty.

*�� *�� *�� *

�� If
it was so obvious that she and Aoshi had shared a bed, she couldn't fathom why
Okon and Omasu had been tight lipped about it.�
They carried on with their day as though nothing at all had
happened.� Maybe they simply didn't want
to pry?

�� Maybe
she was looking at it all wrong, maybe they really knew nothing.� As she headed out back to wash some laundry
she couldn't help but feel burdened by it all.

�� She
couldn't talk to Okina about it, nor could she discuss it with Aoshi.� Shiro and Kuro were
not really options since they were males and likely wouldn't want to talk to
her about it.� But Kaoru was out as was
Megumi and that was a good amount of people off her list.� That left only Omasu and Okon and she was
getting shaky feelings from them.

�� So,
what to do?

�� After
an hour of scrubbing and soaking, she decided.�
Okon and Omasu were her only feasible options.�

�� She
waited several hours until she knew that only the two women would be in the
kitchen cleaning up.� She found them, as
she expected, putting away dry dishes and wiping countertops.

�� "Hey,"
she said, drawing their attention to her.�

�� Both
females smiled slightly.� "You're
down here late, aren't you?� I thought
you were on a reading binge," Omasu answered, before returning to putting
the dishes away.

�� "Yeah...
Sort of.� Can I
talk to you about something personal?"

�� She
didn't want to talk to them, she wanted to work it out
on her own.� But she hadn't been able to
do that.

�� They
both stopped and came toward where Misao stood, moving the lamps around a bit
as they did, casting the light so it was brighter where they stood.

�� "Is
it about Aoshi?" Okon asked.

�� They
did know, Misao thought, as she nodded.

�� She
stood there, unsure of what to say and the other two waited patiently.�

�� "Misao,
could I ask something?"

�� Misao
lifted her head and stopped tapping her fingers, not even realizing she'd been
doing it until just then.

�� "Hmm?� Sure, what?"�
Misao asked, grateful that someone had spoken.

�� "The
other night, was that the first time that you and Aoshi were
intimate?"� Omasu leaned down,
resting her elbows against the countertop.

�� "No.� The first time was a long time ago..."

�� Their
eyes widened and the two women exchanged glances. "How
long ago, exactly?"

�� Realizing
she'd alarmed them, she back peddled.�
"Well, I mean... not -that- long ago, it just seems like..."

�� "Misao...
If you wish to talk, be honest," Okon urged, wringing a wash cloth in her
hands.

�� "Okay,
fine it was before the JupponGatana attacked the
Aoiya.� Just after
Aoshi attacked Jiya."

�� They
gasped, shocked.

�� "But-"

�� "He..."

�� Misao
nodded.� "He was a ... a... a bad
guy then, yes."

�� "How
could you?" Omasu breathed, shocked.�
"How could you do something so-" she trailed off abruptly.

�� Okon
leaned forward.� "He didn't force
you, did he?� Surely, he wouldn't have
hurt you that... that way..."

�� They
seemed to be convincing themselves more than her.� Misao knew full well what happened.� She wasn't sure if he'd forced her or not,
she'd never told him not to.

�� So,
she shrugged.� "I don't know, but
that's when it was."

�� "Did
he hurt you?� Were you okay?� Why didn't you tell us?"

�� "I
was afraid you'd be upset," Misao answered.

�� "Of
course, we would've been upset!�
Misao!� He was out of his mind
then!"

�� Misao
slammed her hand on the counter.� "I
know that perfectly well!"

�� "Now,
now..." Okon murmured.� "Calm down, you two.�
Let's not fight over what is done.�
What did you want to talk to us about?"

�� Misao
sighed softly.� "I don't know,
sometimes I have bad dreams about him and a couple of days ago he accused me of
being afraid of him... and... Jiya says... he wanted to get married and I said
no and...� What am I supposed to
do?"

�� "Why
don't you want to marry him?"� Okon
asked, taking Misa's hand in her own.� "Don't you love him?"

�� Misao
nodded.� "Yeah, but... "

�� "Are
you afraid of him?"

�� "No!"
Misao snapped.�

�� "Why
didn't you say yes?"� Okon asked.

�� Omasu
nodded.� "Why didn't you accept him,
then?"

�� "Because...
I'm afraid of what in his head."

��

�� The
two women were silent for several long moments.�

�� "Then
there's only one thing you can do about that..." Omasu murmured.� "Talk to him."

�� "I
disagree.� I think it's more than that,
Misao.� If you have some fear of
Aoshi-sama then I think you need to work it out with him.� Go places, do things, little things, big
things... Just something where the two of you spend time
together.� Stop being so distant,
be more casual."

�� They,
Omasu and Okon, exchanged glances that suddenly became stares.� Misao watched.

�� Omasu
frowned.� "How can you say
that?� The best thing is for them to talk
about it!"

�� "Omasu,
grow up!� You can't solve everything by
talking about it!� That's why all your
relationships have failed."

�� Misao
smiled and quietly left.

��

�� She
would try both.� One or the other and
they were bound to get her a little further along than she was presently.

*�� *�� *�� *

[End Chapter 4]

AN:
- 3
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- 5
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In Err, My Suffering