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Scream All You Want	By : HollowedRose Category: +. to F > Attack on Titan /Shingeki No Kyojin Views: 6488 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin and its characters. They belong to Hajime Isayama. I'm not making any profit from this.

Chapter List
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Despair as the man kept thrusting into him, his whole body protesting in agony.
"So tight. You like this? You like my cock inside you?"
Please stop.
Disgust as they tainted his body with their releases, over and over again.
"Oh yeah, fuck, that was good."
"Swallow it bitch."
Stop it.
Empty, cruel words.
"Shhh... I promise I'll be gentle."
"Ungrateful whore."
STO―
"STOP IT!" he screamed as he woke up sometimes around dawn, his whole body thrumming with unadulterated terror and hopelessness. He wasn't yet fully awake, but the vivid memories kept slamming into his mind with a viciousness that left him breathless, and no matter how much he tried to keep them away, he couldn't stop them from savagely invading his consciousness. His breathing was chaotic, almost keening in nature as his bloodshot eyes kept darting around the room, searching for an enemy that didn't seem to be there. He couldn't stop trembling, drops of cold sweat running down his body, and he wrapped his uninjured arm tightly around his torso, holding himself together as though he was afraid that he would break into a million pieces if he made the mistake of ever letting go.
"Jean, what's wrong?" asked Hange as she burst through the door, his scream waking her up from her troubled sleep.
For one terrifying second Jean didn't know who it was, because he couldn't recognize the face in the dim light, nor the sound of her voice, not when all he could hear was the horrifying banging his own heart made each time it slammed itself wildly against his rig cage. He felt terror starting to spread throughout his veins like wildfire, and he pushed himself up and off the bed in an attempt to get away, to escape the danger, only to fail miserably when excruciating pain shot up his spine, causing his injured body to drop to the floor in a heap, his weak legs unable to support his weight. His heartbeat increased even more and he started crawling away, the terror so tangible that he could almost taste it.
"It's me, Hange, calm down," she said as she approached him slowly, careful not to scare him more than she already did. It broke her heart to see one of Erwin's subordinates in such a state, and no matter how much she wanted to help him get up and go back into bed she knew that it was best to stay away until he came back to his senses. She squatted down a good safe distance away from him and watched with pained eyes as he pushed himself against the wall. "You're safe now, I promise."
Jean watched her with wide, terrified eyes for a few moments until he finally recognized her face and allowed his tense body to slightly relax. He breathed in and out a few times, trying to calm down enough to find his voice. "S-squad... Le-leader..."
"Yes, Jean, it's me, it's Hange. You're safe now, they can no longer hurt you," she said in a gentle voice. It wasn't the first time she had to deal with terrified people, but they usually lost their minds as a result of the fear they experienced while facing the titans. The subordinate in front of her was also scared, but for entirely different reasons. The things which turned him into such a pitiful creature were not titans, but fellow humans, which in her opinion were just as bad if not worse.
Jean's eyes filled with tears and he slumped against the wall, wild shivers wracking his broken body as he wept aloud and struggled with convulsive gasping each time he tried to take a breath. His thoughts and emotions were a jumbled mess, the knowledge that he had escaped with his life bringing both relief and anguish. It felt as though he was drowning in a sea of shame as he cried like a child in front of Squad Leader Hange, but he lacked the strength to compose himself, his entire being falling apart in the most painful of ways.
Tears were prickling at Hange's eyes, and she had to fight off the urge to pull him into a hug because she knew that he would not appreciate it. She couldn't stand seeing people nor titans in pain, but there was nothing she could do to help him, so instead she watched him for a few more moments through the blur in her eyes before trying to talk to him again. "Do you want me to help you get up? You're going to catch a cold if you stay there," she said, then raised a hand to wipe away the tears that ended up trickling down her cheeks when she saw him flinch at her words.
Shame heightening, Jean glared. "L-leave," he tried, hoping that she would heed his request. It was bad enough that Eren and Levi had seen him, but now Hange too? It was too much, the same was simply too much. Just leave me alone please. He didn't even feel like a man anymore, those bastards ripping away his pride and crushing it to smithereens while Eren was there to watch it all.
Hange tilted her head. "I can't do that, not until you're back into bed." The last thing she wanted was for Jean to stay there on the cold floor the entire night.
Jean's hand was trembling as he grabbed his short hair and pulled at it in despair, the incessant shivering running up and down his spine making his teeth clatter loudly. He should've fought harder instead of doing as he was told, even if that meant death. What was the point in living when all he could see when he closed his eyes were the faces of the men who succeeded in humiliating in such a demeaning manner? "P-please," he tried again, "I n-need to b-be alone."
Hange gave him a sympathetic look. "I can't, I'm sorry, at least not until you're back into bed." She understood him so well that it almost hurt, but she couldn't leave him there on the cold floor when his injured body needed proper rest to recover.
Jean bit hard into his lower lip in frustration, trying really hard to ignore the nauseating feeling burning through the pit of his stomach at the knowledge that she'd have to help him get up because he couldn't do it by himself. He slowly unclenched the fingers pulling at his hair and nodded, hoping that she would understand because he didn't have the energy to talk anymore.
"Ok, just relax. I'll leave you alone as soon as you're back into bed." She got up from the squatting position she was in and slowly approached him. She hated to see him tense more and more the closer she got to him, but there wasn't anything she could do about it. She knelt on one knee in front of him and offered her hand.
Jean reluctantly took it, then allowed her to put an arm around his torso and slowly lift him up, only to regret it the instant he was back on his feet and he felt warm liquid trickling down his legs. Disgust raged through him, the intense abhorrence welling up inside of him making him cover his mouth with a clammy hand.
Hange immediately realized that he was going to be sick, so she started dragging him towards the bathroom adjacent to the room.
It was painful for Jean to force his injured body to move amidst the nausea and the vertigo, but he really didn't want to throw up all over Hange, so he did his best to move his legs as fast as possible, trying really hard not to think about the wetness between them, or why it was there in the first place. He dropped to his knees as soon as he reached the toilet, but there was nothing for him to throw up, so instead he kept dry heaving for a while, thankful to Hange for leaving him alone. He stayed there for a few minutes once he was done, head resting against the cool tiles of the bathroom until he found the courage to lift the gown he was wearing and dip a trembling hand between his legs where he felt the wetness. He raised it and looked at the blood smeared on his fingers, his already pale skin turning paler. There wasn't that much blood there, but it was still enough to make him want to scream and cry some more at the unfairness of it all. Why did it have to be me? Why not Er―
He felt sick all over again at realizing that he had just wished that it would've been Eren instead of him, the idea that he was such a horrible human being disturbing him almost as much as what happened to him. He allowed his hand to fall limply on the floor of the bathroom and he cried silently, hoping he would soon pass out so that he would no longer remember why there was blood between his legs or how he wished that it had been Eren instead of him. He heard Hange call his name from behind the door and that's when he remembered that she wouldn't let him stay there no matter how much he would demand to be left alone. "N-not yet," he said weakly, then grabbed the sink with his working arm and tried to pull his boneless body up, now desperate to wash away the salty and bitter taste in his mouth because that part of his anatomy had been just as violated as the rest of him.
"Jean?" Hange tried again when she realized that he had been in there for way too long.
"One m-minute," said Jean, and proceeded to wash his mouth. Even the simple thought of eating again made him sick, because how could he ever again enjoy putting anything in his mouth and swallowing after being forced to taste their releases? He whimpered pitifully and closed his eyes, not daring to look in the mirror of fear of what he would see there. He had no idea if he could ever move on, but he pushed away that thought and focused on the present. He knew that Hange would soon barge in if he didn't go out, so he used the opportunity to wipe away the blood before calling her to help him walk back to the bed. He couldn't help but wonder if Hange or some doctor had been the ones to patch him, but he sure as hell hoped that it hadn't been the Squad Leader. Just the knowledge that she was aware of what happened to him was already mortifying enough.
"Jean," Hange tried again, hoping that he would finally listen to her and go back to bed so that his body could rest and recover.
"C-come in," he said, then walked back into the room on unsteady legs while leaning against Hange. By the time he reached the bed he was so exhausted that he nearly collapsed on it.
"Here, take these," she said as he handed him some painkillers and a glass of water because that was the only think she could do to alleviate his suffering.
He took them without saying a word, not even raising his head to look at her.
Hange took the empty glass from his hand, "I'll see you tomorrow," she said, just before she turned around and walked out of the room.
With the last bit of his strength left, Jean curled into a ball and hugged his knees, consciousness slowly sinking into darkness as exhaustion finally caught up with him.
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Scream All You Want