The Key to My Heart

Author: JadeHeart
Fandom: Gravitation (after the manga finishes)
Warnings: bad language, angst

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of ‘Gravitation’.


Chapter 40


Yuki stepped out of his door, immediately drawing out his packet of cigarettes and lighting one as he walked downstairs to where his car was parked. This particular block of apartments had underground parking available for the tenants which was very appealing to him. It kept his beloved Mercedes better protected than if he had to park on the street.

He was heading for another meeting with Mizuki, one of many that there had been over the past few weeks. The final touches for his book were being discussed, the artwork for the cover was already at the printers, and it seemed that all systems were go. However, he couldn’t even find an ounce of interest or enthusiasm, let alone excitement, at the prospect of its release. It was just another book, like the one before and, no doubt, like the one to follow. He could find no sense of satisfaction for his work. Was he destined to feel like this, this emptiness, from now on, he wondered?

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the remote, leaving his cigarette dangling from his lips, and pressed the button, hearing the click from the car he was approaching. He heard a sound, the scuff of a shoe, somewhere behind him and he spun around quickly, wondering if he was about to be a victim of a car-jacking. A figure moved in the shadows, drawing closer. He tensed, smoking cigarette clamped between his teeth.

Hiroshi Nakano stepped into the pale light filtering down to this darkness, dressed in his bike leathers and holding his helmet in one hand. He must have left his bike parked outside, Yuki thought, relaxing a little at seeing a familiar face, instead of a stranger. Though Hiro being here was odd enough in its own way.

He turned back to his car. “So what brings you crawling out of the woodwork?” he said bluntly. He had no interest in speaking with Hiro. He had no interest in associating with anyone from Bad Luck.

He heard Hiro come closer until he was standing next to him. “Why haven’t you been to see Shuichi yet?” Hiro asked outright.

Yuki raised an eye brow as he looked over at the red-haired youth. His lip curled in a grimace. “Why should I?” he answered coldly.

“Because did you ever think that perhaps he might like to see you again?” Hiro responded passionately, “You were the one who found him, remember?”

Yuki shrugged, leaning nonchalantly against the car. “So what? He’s got everyone else now. He doesn’t need me to hold his hand.”

Hiro’s eyes narrowed in anger. “You are such a cold-hearted bastard,” he hissed. “You go to all the trouble of finding him, trying to get him to come back to Japan, and now he’s here you just brush him aside? What the hell do you think you’re doing, you prick? Are you saying that somewhere between him going missing and you finding him, you stopped caring? Do you blame him for all the trouble it’s been to find him? Is that it?!”

Yuki’s own eyes narrowed as he glared at Hiro, anger building at the verbal attack. “What I do, or think, is none of your fucking business,” he snarled, spitting out his cigarette and ignoring where it fell, still smoldering, as he faced the other angry man. “You don’t own me, you don’t have any right to even speak to me. What I think of that stupid brat is my business and mine alone!”

He turned away again, reaching for the door handle when a hand slammed against the window, forcing it shut once more. He turned his head to glare daggers at Hiro who now stood within centimeters of his own body, crowding in on him. He could feel the anger radiating from the man, could almost see him quivering with those pent up emotions.

“I should smash your smug face in,” Hiro grated out, “You’re just messing with Shuichi again. Messing with his head, making him think that things are different to what they are. We’ve all gone along with what you wanted and not said anything to him because it was supposed to be what was best for Shuichi. I went along with it because I thought you just wanted to be able to tell him when you were ready. To tell him that you loved him. I didn’t agree to this charade so you could toss him aside like a used rag just like you used to! I thought you had fucking got over all that crap! Are you telling me that after everything you two have been through that it was all a FUCKING LIE!”

The last was shouted directly into Yuki’s face and at that he snapped. He reached out and pushed Hiro away forcefully, making the younger man stagger backwards and only preventing himself from falling to the ground by grabbing the wall nearby to keep him on his feet. Yuki’s hands were clenched in fists, trying to restrain himself from lashing out and taking out all his frustrations, anger and hurt in the physical form of beating the other man to a bloody pulp. He held himself in place, knowing that if he even took one step towards Hiro he would lose it completely, and there was nothing that would stop him.

“What’s it to you, you arrogant little prick?” he spat out, voice ragged with anger. “What do you care what I do? Shuichi’s all yours still. You don’t have to share him now. You can have complete control over everything he does and know that you will always be his number one. That’s what you want, isn’t it? You can’t bear for anyone else to have what you want! You always wanted everything I had, isn’t that right? What’s the difference with this? Everything that was once mine is now yours, so you should be happy I’m not around and completely out of the picture. I can’t unduly influence that moron anymore. You never could stand that I had him. That I had something that you wanted!”

“What are you talking about? I don’t want anything of yours!” Hiro shouted back at him.

Yuki opened the car door and looked over his shoulder at Hiro. “Oh? You took Ayaka, now you’ve got Shu. Think there’s a pattern here?”

He stepped into the car and started the engine, lowering the window. “Don’t throw stones at other people when the glass walls around yourself are cracked already.”

He revved the engine and sped out of the bay with a squeal of tyres, leaving Hiro staring after him.

Hiro looked at the empty ramp where Yuki’s car had vanished. Damn that jerk!, he fumed, turning and walking up the ramp towards where he had parked his bike. Damn him to every hell in existence! He threw his leg over the bike and jammed his helmet on firmly, still feeling the anger running through him. He was furious, absolutely furious. Angrier than he had ever been at Yuki over all the things that had ever happened between he and Shuichi. He thought he might even be angrier than when he found out that Shu had been raped.

He gunned the engine and raced down the road. How dare Yuki blame him for all this! How dare that prick claim he wanted to steal Shu away from him! And what the hell did his relationship with Ayaka have to do with it?! Yuki hadn’t wanted her and he did, so why shouldn’t he have pursued it? Besides, she came to him first. It was her choice. Yuki had nothing to do with it!

He almost didn’t spot the red light in time and threw the brakes on hard, both foot and hand, to come squealing to a halt halfway over the pedestrian crossing. Fortunately there was no hapless citizen there at the time. He let out a deep breath. Damn that arrogant, fucking idiot! He fumed, backing up. He mentally shook his head. He had to keep his mind clear. He wasn’t going to let that prick be the cause of him having an accident.

The light turned green and this time he concentrated on what he was doing, pulling away in a more controlled manner than he had been riding before. That’s it! Hiro snarled in his mind. I’m going to talk to Shuichi and find out just what exactly he does remember about that jerk! I’m sure he remembered something that first night back at the club. He had to have with that reaction. So I need to know what he’s remembered. And I’m going to tell him a few home truths as well. That fucking bastard had better be prepared to have one really pissed off Shuichi thrown at him - and I hope Shu breaks his nose!

Feeling better for his decision, Hiro continued on his way to the studio. There was still a lot for them to be doing to get ready for the tour, but they were almost there.

******************

Yuki was glad things were nearly over now. His latest book had been released a little earlier than had been anticipated, which made Mizuki more than pleased. Yuki had even managed to be his usual charming self to the legion of fans who flocked to the book signing on the release date, although extra security had to be called to control the swooning female crush. Throughout it all, Yuki felt like his face was going to crack from forcing himself to maintain his false smile but he had held on. As soon as it was over though, he had brushed past Mizuki without a word and driven home.

He walked straight to the fridge and pulled out a beer, drinking one straight down where he stood before tossing the empty can into the sink and grabbing another. He flopped down on the lounge, feeling the tenseness in his neck and shoulder muscles. He let out a long drawn out sigh, rubbing a hand over his eyes. Gods, he was just so tired!

He leant back, taking another long drink. He couldn’t even get up the energy to light a cigarette although he was dying for one. His eyes fell on the jumble near his front door. He had stormed right past it when he had entered, actually deliberately ignoring it. Now, he couldn’t. He took another drink, not taking his eyes from the pile. He chewed his bottom lip for a moment, then his eyes narrowed and he stood up abruptly. He wasn’t going to put it off any longer. He almost slammed the half full beer can down on the coffee table before stalking over to the hall phone. He picked it up and stabbed at the numbers with his finger, anger evident in every action.

“Hello, Eiri,” the voice at the other end was very familiar.

“Tohma,” Yuki acknowledged. His number would have shown up on Tohma’s phone so he could easily identify the caller.

“How did the book signing go?” Tohma enquired.

Just how did he know about that? Yuki wondered, then mentally shrugged. Tohma always seemed to know everything - that was just Tohma.

“As well as can be expected,” Yuki replied curtly.

Tohma chuckled. “In other words, it went very well and your book is bound to be a best seller. Again.”

“Whatever,”

“So what can I do for you?” Tohma queried.

“I want you to collect some stuff from my place.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. None of it’s mine. No point it being here.” Yuki didn’t say anything more. Anyone else would have been confused by this cryptic conversation, but to Tohma it all made perfect sense. Unfortunately he knew exactly what Yuki was saying, and why he was asking, as much as he wished he didn’t.

“Are you sure about this?” Tohma’s voice crackled on the phone.

“Yes.”

He heard Tohma’s soft sigh. “Very well then. I’ll come round in a few days. I’m sure Shindou will appreciate it.”

“Yeah,”

“You haven’t asked about him once.”

Silence, then Yuki heard Tohma sigh again. “I understand. Just to let you know, he’s doing very well. Far better than I would have thought. You really should at least say hello to him sometime.”

“Hmm,” was Yuki’s noncommittal response.

Another sigh. “I’ll call you when I’m coming over.”

“All right.” and Yuki hung up.

He looked down at the bags and boxes piled neatly at his front door. He had reached a point where he could stand it no longer and had finally found the courage to pack up all of Shuichi’s belongings from around his apartment. Despite it being supposedly cleaned out before he had returned from America, he had still been finding the odd item that had previously belonged to his partner.

It had been a painful process. He hadn’t wanted to remove any of it. Every item, every article, made him feel like Shuichi was still there, still with him. Leaving the youth’s things just where he had left them, almost made Yuki believe that he would find Shuichi waiting for him. That he would one day walk back through Yuki’s door and back into his life.

But he had had to be realistic and finally accept that this was not going to happen. Shuichi was gone. Gone from his life for good. After the long search, the joy of finding him alive, after all that, Yuki had still lost him.

So he had steeled himself and began to pack everything up. It had taken a long time, and it was surprising just how much there was. In every room, almost in every nook and cranny of the apartment, Yuki had found something of Shuichi’s; a video still left in the machine, a bottle of shampoo in the shower, a poster stuck to the back of a door, a stupid theme pen in his study, pairs of sox mixed in amongst his own, scraps of lyrics written in the oddest places and on the oddest things and jumbled in with Yuki’s things. The boy had invaded every portion of Yuki’s home, his life…and heart.

Now it was all packed and waiting to be returned to its owner. He had decided to get Tohma to pick it up as he knew where Shuichi was now living. Yuki hadn’t asked. He didn’t want to know as it was too painful; too painful to think of his young partner living with his bright, young girlfriend, and settling down together to a happy life. He was sure that was what Shuichi was setting up. He remembered only too well that Shuichi had said Annette would be joining him. Yuki still found he got angry thinking about it. In his mind, and heart, Shuichi belonged with no-one other than himself.

He felt himself getting maudlin, the black cloud of depression settling over him. He was back on medication for that as well as his ulcer and associated problems. He had once thought that he would never have a need to take anything like that again. With Shuichi around, how could he ever have found the time or energy to get depressed? The youth’s naturally cheerful demeanour could always breach Yuki’s walls, could always bring an un-wanted smile to his lips. How he missed him!

Grabbing his coat and keys, he slammed out of his apartment, fleeing the ghosts of past memories. He had to get away for a bit, to try and find his equilibrium again. Once he had, he could return. He walked quickly, feeling grateful for the darkness of the night that closed in around him.

**********

Tohma hung up the phone and sat looking at it silently for a moment longer before swivelling his chair around with a sigh. So that was it, he thought, gazing out at the last of the setting sun, watching the deepening shadows slowly creep across the landscape. It seemed pointless now him trying to interfere.

He sighed softly again. As much as he wanted to get involved he realized that he could not. Eiri and Shindou had gone their separate ways. They had made their choices, returned to their former lives, and seemed determined to remain apart. He clenched his hands together and squeezed - hard. He wanted to interfere so badly, every fibre of his being screaming at him to do something to alleviate Eiri’s pain for he knew he was in pain. He knew his brother-in-law too well to not pick up every subtle nuance in tone of voice and look on that beloved face.

He heard the door open softly behind him but didn’t turn as the faint whiff of his favourite perfume drifted to where he was seated. That was because it was worn by his favourite person. He sighed again, this time in pleasure, as two hands curled around the sides of the chair to rest on his shoulders and began kneading the muscles.

“You’re worrying,”

He looked up at the speaker of the quiet voice, meeting Mika’s clear grey eyes gazing steadily down at him from above. He gave a small smile. “Now why would you think that?” he asked.

She sniffed at that statement, her hands not ceasing their movement. “Because no matter what you manage to hide in your face, your shoulders always knot up when you worry.”

His smile grew warmer. Oh, yes, Mika knew him far too well.

“You’re worrying about them,” she said. ‘Them’ being Eiri and Shuichi.

“Hmm,” He closed his eyes for a moment, relaxing into the gentle, yet firm pressure on his tight muscles. It felt good.

“What are you going to do?”

He opened his eyes at Mika’s question, looking up at her again. “What do you mean? What do you think I should do?”

“You must have some ideas,”

“No.” he responded honestly.

“But you can always find something to do,” No-one, but he, would have been able to hear the faint touch of pleading in her tone.

“I can’t.” he answered in a tone of finality.

Mika’s hands paused in their ministrations. “You can’t mean that….”

“Oh, but I do,”’ he said serenely, wishing she would continue the massage.

“But you always do something!”

He stood and left the chair, moving over to the window. The city was now cloaked in darkness beyond that pane of glass. “Not this time.” he answered, feeling sad at the thought. He turned to face his wife where she still stood, holding onto the chair as if for support. He could tell from the expression on her face that she was hurt by his refusal. He was sorry to be the cause of that hurt for he knew how much Mika had been worrying about her brother. She had become used to knowing that he would step in to put things right. Well, not this time. This one was beyond even his abilities, as much as it pained him to admit it, and it had taken him this long to reach that conclusion. If he tried to force the situation any further he was afraid he may break both the pieces in play on this chessboard, and that is not what he wanted.

He stretched a hand out towards Mika, holding it steady there in the silence. Mika made no move to take it at first, then gracefully stepped around the chair to place her hand in his. A flood of relief swept through him at that contact as he released the breath he had been holding. If she had refused he didn’t know what he would have done.

He closed his fingers around her long slender ones and drew her closer to him, slipping an arm around her waist to bring her tighter into an embrace. “I can’t do anything more this time, my love,” he whispered into her hair, feeling it tickle his nose. “Both Eiri and Shindou have chosen their own paths, and this time I can’t afford to interfere.”

Mika’s arms stole around her husband’s waist, leaning against him for a moment. “That must be hard for you,” she said quietly.

He chuckled, shifting slightly so he could reach up and stroke her hair. Oh, yes, she knew him so well. “It is. Very.” he admitted. He drew back a little placing a finger under her shapely chin to lift her face so he could gaze into her eyes. “As much as I want to see them back together, it would appear that it is not to be. As much as that is what I want, if they do not want it, it is a wasted effort. On all our parts.”

Mika’s eyes flashed for a moment, understanding the warning he was giving but still prepared to argue. “But it is what they want!” she said passionately.

“Is it?” he questioned calmly.

“Yes!” she responded forcefully. “Eiri loves Shuichi! He needs him!”

“And what of Shindou?” he asked. “What does he want?”

“He..” her sentence trailed off, and he nodded as he saw the understanding in her eyes.

“Exactly. I know Eiri needs him, but if Shindou is not prepared to return to him, or is unable to, what good does it do anyone? We all want what is best for Eiri, but we have forgotten that that may not be what is best for Shindou.”

“We should have told him the truth,” Mika grumbled, dropping her eyes.

Tohma shrugged. “Most likely, but that also wasn’t our choice. And who knows, perhaps even more damage may have been done if we had. We’ll never know now. What’s done is done.”

Mika dropped her head to his shoulder with a deep sigh of regret, burying her face into the side of his neck. “Poor Eiri,” she murmured, her arms tightening around his waist once more. “I can’t bear to see him so lost.”

Tohma felt his own heart clench in pain. He, too, could hardly bear it, but he didn’t know what else to do. He feared that anything he tried would only bring more pain to both parties. He dropped a light kiss to the temple of his wife, feeling her lean into his touch. “Come on. Let’s go home.” and he steered her from the room, taking one last look at the rainy night visage through the window as he switched off the light before closing the door. As they walked down the dark and silent halls he wondered what Eiri and Shuichi were doing right now.

*****************

Shuichi fled into the night. He ran and ran, with no thought of where he was going, no planned destination to reach. He dodged around people who were nothing more than blurs to his tear-filled eyes. Still he ran, managing to avoid the traffic, heading… nowhere.

Finally he had to stop, stop because he physically could go no further. He leant both hands against the wall beside him, head hanging down as he took in great gulps of air. His lungs were burning from the exertion, starved for oxygen as they were. Every breath hurt, his chest still heaving and a stitch cramping his sides. His leg was aching with a deep dull throb much as it once had when he had been lying in hospital so long ago. It brought back too many bad memories; memories of pain, confusion, loss. His mind was thinking of nothing except to get past the pain his body was feeling.

At first he didn’t feel the cold drops of water that fell on him. It wasn’t until it became quite a deluge that he even noticed at all as the water ran over his head and dripped off the end of his nose and chin. He slowly straightened up and turned to rest his back against the wall, tipping his face upwards with closed eyes, feeling the cold water strike his face and wash over him. It felt good in one way, like it was trying to wash him clean, wash everything away. If only it could.

He could remember now. He could remember Yuki. He could remember his time with Yuki. It hadn’t all been a farce like he had thought all this time. It had been real - all of it. All that time it had been real! And look what he had done!

Shuichi pushed himself away from the wall and began walking. He couldn’t run anymore, everything hurt too much. He limped along, favouring his injured leg, hand pressed against his side to try and ease the stitch still pulling there. His thoughts continued to tumble over themselves as more and more memories came back to him. He remembered how he had come to live with Yuki, turning up on his doorstep unannounced, forcing Yuki to accept him for that trial ‘week’; a week that led to months, then years.

He remembered that first kiss once more and what happened after. He remembered more clearly now their first time together, that night when they were truly intimate. Yes, he had been terrified and it had hurt like hell, but he now could remember the pleasure he had felt also. Not just the physical pleasure from the act, but the emotional pleasure of being that close to the person he loved so much. Even now he could feel his face heat under the coolness of the rain still pelting down on him. He could remember that, and the other times after. They had had sex – many times, and they had been together for a long time. It hadn’t just been some fleeting moment. They had been a couple, they had been living together, and been openly accepted by the public. They had been in a real relationship! So what had happened?

The tears still fell, tears that felt hot in contrast to the drops of rain that also trailed down his face. He turned and staggered blindly onwards into the night, avoiding the odd passing pedestrian as they hurried along seeking shelter from the change of weather. What had happened to all that they had shared, he thought? Why wasn’t Yuki with him now? What had happened?!

Soon he couldn’t go on any further. The physical pain and the emotional stress was now too much for his body to cope with all at the same time. With a deep sob he slid to the ground where he had stopped, legs folding untidily under him. His shoulders shook as he cried harder. Why had it turned out like this? It wasn’t supposed to have been like this! There was supposed to have been the ‘happily ever after’ for them! He /wanted/ the fairytale!! Instead he was living a nightmare.

He cried harder.

Eventually he looked up, peering through the falling rain at his surroundings, and finally taking note of what was around him for the first time. Suddenly he realized just where he was. He couldn’t stop the laughter that bubbled up, slipping between the sobs as he continued to cry. He knew this place - how could he ever forget it. It was here that he had come after that other time in his life that he thought he would die from the pain. The laughter and tears were combining to form a strange hiccupping that he couldn’t control. This was just too bizarre, like a strange re-run of a previous event. This couldn’t be real. Things like this just don’t happen.

His hand fumbled into the pocket of his open jacket, struggling against the wet material that clung to his chilled flesh. Sure enough, there it was, as though it was waiting for just this moment. It was a good thing he was usually too lazy to take it out of his pocket. He pulled out the cell phone and punched the stored number, listening to the ring tone until it was picked up.

************

Hiro lay back on the couch, one long leg draped over the back in a completely relaxed pose that belied the tenseness his inner thoughts gave him. He had been trying to speak to Shuichi for nearly a week after his little altercation with Yuki but it just never seemed the right time to do so. It wasn’t just something he could blurt out with no lead up to it, but no matter how hard he had tried he had not been able to find the right moment. They had been so busy with the lead up to the tour which was starting soon that they were all running full tilt with barely a moment to breathe. It had been impossible to get Shuichi even alone for long enough to have a meaningful discussion, there had always seemed to be someone else around him for one reason or another. Even when it was time to go home, they hadn’t been finishing at the same time due to each of them being involved in different areas of the tour set up; Hiro spending most of his time with the sound techs for the instrumental side of things, and Shuichi concentrating on the vocals and general stage production to show Bad Luck in the best possible way. Shuichi really did have an eye for that sort of thing, although he could get a little carried away at times. He was definitely the most artistic, and flamboyant, of them all!

Hiro fumed quietly. The words Yuki had thrown at him that day still made him furious, even just thinking about them. They were completely unfair, and untrue! Okay, he was seeing Ayaka now, he couldn’t deny that, but he wasn’t seeing her because she had once been with Yuki! How arrogant could that prick be! He was seeing Ayaka because he liked her, and had from the start. Although she was an extremely traditional girl, and not exactly completely open to people at first, he had caught a glimpse of another side of her nature when they had spent that first night singing karaoke until dawn. She had been extremely hesitant about singing at first, but then he had seen her face light up with the music and she soon began to relax and enjoy it. She actually had a very nice singing voice. Probably not marketable, a little too light and husky, but pleasant to listen to none-the-less. And it had harmonized with his own voice so well it was like they were meant to be. During that long night he had found out that Ayaka secretly liked many types of music and it was a hidden passion of hers. She had no desire to take it further as far as a career went, but she certainly did love it. Hiro admitted that he probably could have only been happy going out with a girl who enjoyed music just as much as he did. It was sort of a prerequisite for dating a guitarist in a band! So that was why he came to like Ayaka - not because she was engaged to that bastard Yuki!

And why the hell would Yuki think that he wanted Shuichi! That was just plain weird! What had he meant by all that crap?! Shuichi was his friend and had been since forever. They had shared everything together for all these years, all the ups and downs, managed to get through the arguments and fights, and they were still here. They had pursued their dream together and, against all the odds, actually achieved it! He couldn’t imagine his life without Shuichi in it. Whilst his friend had been missing Hiro had felt like half his soul was missing also. Yes, he loved Shuichi, but it wasn’t in the same way that he loved Ayaka, just as he knew that Shuichi didn’t love him in the same way that he loved Yuki. Though why he /ever/ had loved such a cold-hearted, callous bastard he didn’t know!

Hiro ground his teeth together silently. He was just so angry, and he was not the type of person who got angry very often. Ayaka always praised him for his calm, unflappable attitude to things. She had said that it made her feel very safe and secure with him. He had felt really pleased when he heard her say that. He only ever wanted her to feel that way when she was with him. She wouldn’t be happy to see him stewing like this – and it was all because of that jerk!

He took a deep breath and held it for a moment before releasing it slowly, forcing himself to relax and try and clear his head. No matter what Yuki said, he knew he did not want Shuichi in that way, and never had. Yuki was just being a complete idiot if he really thought that! Yet, he also didn’t want Shuichi to be with Yuki if all that was going to happen was that his friend was going to be hurt again. He had seen that happen for too long before and he had no intention of letting such a thing happen again, certainly not for as long as what it had back then either. Yuki had his chance the first time, so if he wants Shuichi he had better damn well treat him properly right from the start! None of that nonsense about having to build up to it or some such crap!

So why didn’t Yuki go to see Shuichi? It didn’t make any sense to Hiro at all. The man had traveled all around the world, spent months searching for Shuichi to bring him home, and then when he succeeds in that, what does he do? Nothing, naddah, a big fat zero!! What the hell was that bastard thinking?!

The phone began to ring and he looked at in surprise. He wasn’t expecting any calls and he actually didn’t have many people who did call him at this hour of the night. He had already spoken to Ayaka this evening so it was unlikely to be her, unless something was wrong. Frowning in concern he swung his leg down and reached over to grab the phone. “Hello?”

He recognized the voice, even if it was a little indistinct and broken with sobs. Oh, yes, he knew that voice far too well to ever mistake it for anyone else’s. And the way it sounded now made him remember all too vividly another time, long ago, when he had received just such a call in the middle of the night that had torn his world and heart apart.

He dropped the phone and ran down the stairs, taking them two at a time, dashing through the doors and into the night with the umbrella over his shoulder. It was still raining, though not as hard as it had been earlier. Sure enough, there almost in the exact same spot, a thin figure sat slumped against the wall. It looked up as he approached, looked up with a face that was tear streaked, eyes swollen and red, hair so wet it was plastered to the head. That lost look was the same that he had seen before, and it broke his heart.

He saw Shuichi’s lips curl into a horrible semblance of a smile as he spoke in a voice that cracked, “I seem to end up here all the time, don’t I? Just like some sort of stray cat. Seems like I’ve developed a habit that whenever things go wrong I come crawling to you. Just like that last time. I guess I don’t have anywhere else to go to. You must think I’m pretty pathetic. Sorry, I just can’t seem to help it.” A sob cut off anything else Shuichi may have said.

The umbrella fell to the ground, abandoned, as Hiro knelt by his friend’s side in the rain and reached out to draw him into his embrace, feeling how wet and chilled Shuichi was. “You’re not pathetic,” he murmured into the wet hair, holding the youth close. “You can come here whenever you need to, you know that.”

Shuichi clung to him and continued to sob into his shoulder. Reaching around, Hiro gathered him into his arms and lifted him easily. Shuichi had always been slight, even now he wasn’t carrying any extra weight so it wasn’t that much of a hardship. Fortunately Shuichi was too upset to think of struggling which would have made it far more difficult, but as it was Hiro was able to get him indoors and up in the lift to his apartment. He hadn’t locked the door behind him so, with only a little fumbling, he was able to swing the door wide and carry his dripping bundle inside, kicking the door shut behind.

He went straight to the couch and deposited Shuichi there before heading for the bathroom and returning in a moment with a couple of large fluffy towels; one of which he draped around Shuichi’s shoulders, the other over his head. Hiro moved over and pulled the small heater closer and switched it on. He generally only used it for really cold evenings in winter but Shuichi needed it now so he could warm up quickly before he was chilled right through.

He reached over and began to rub Shuichi’s hair with the towel, still hearing the soft sobs coming from underneath the draped cloth. “I’m sorry, Hiro,” he heard Shuichi finally say. “I’m sorry to bother you like this.”

“What have you got to be sorry for?” he replied, still rubbing. “That’s what friends are for, you know.”

“Thanks,” was the soft reply.

“So what happened?” Hiro finally asked after a moment more of rubbing.

He felt Shuichi’s body shake beneath his touch as a fresh wave of tears were released. “I…remember,” he could barely hear the whisper, “I remember…Yuki.”

Hiro stopped rubbing for a moment and then began again. What did Shuichi mean?, he wondered. “What about him?” he prodded gently.

He felt Shuichi lift his head, one hand reaching up to push back the folds of the towel so he could look Hiro directly in the face. “I remember that he and I…had a relationship.”

Hiro’s heart leapt with relief for a moment. Yes - finally! Finally the truth was going to come out and they wouldn’t have to keep up this fool charade any longer! Though, and he looked closely at Shuichi’s strained face, he doesn’t look very happy about this at all. Something wasn’t right. He had thought that Shuichi would be far more relieved, and more joyful at having those memories back.

“What did I do wrong?”

“Huh?” Hiro was taken off-guard by the sudden question, not understanding it. “What do you mean?”

“What did I do wrong to make Yuki hate me so much? Why doesn’t he love me any more? He wouldn’t even live with me any longer! He’s lied to me! You all have!” Now Shuichi was glaring at him with real anger. It wasn’t too often that you saw Shuichi angry at anything, really angry. Although this time he had every right to be, Hiro acknowledged to himself with a sigh.

Hiro ran a hand through his long hair, dragging it back from his face. “Yeah, I know we have, but we did it because we were asked to.”

“Who by?” Shuichi demanded.

“Yuki,” Hiro answered, and then immediately realized that he should have explained first before replying, for sure enough his friend’s face completely crumpled with pain.

“He wanted you all to lie to me because he hates me that much? Did he hate everything about our time together before so badly?” Tears ran down Shuichi’s face in a steady stream.

“No! It wasn’t like that!” Hiro hurried to try to alleviate his friend’s distress in some way. “He didn’t want to put any pressure on you. That’s why he asked us to keep it a secret! He wanted you to have the time to get yourself back together and remember at your own pace. That’s all.”

“That’s all?!” Shuichi almost shouted now, hands clenched in fists on his knees, tears still in his eyes although there was rage in his voice. “That’s all?! How can you even think ‘that’s all’? He LIED to me!! To me!! The person he was supposed to love! Is that any way you would treat someone you supposedly loved more than anyone else? Well, is it?!!”

Hiro was finding it hard to not agree with Shuichi’s point of view, yet at the same time he did half understand where Yuki had been coming from as well, even if he hadn’t agreed with it. He could remember how Yuki had looked when they had first arrived in Quebec and realized that Shuichi didn’t remember anything about his relationship with the other man. He could remember how bad Yuki had looked. Although he looked even worse now since his return to Japan. That man really was an idiot!

Shuichi continued to rant, anger and hurt radiating from his entire body. “He just decided what was right for me, without even asking me what I want! He wouldn’t even let me come home – to my REAL home, with him! He won’t even come and see me, or talk to me! I’ve been agonising for months now, thinking that I had done something dreadful to him and hurt him, when all the time he was just laughing at me and had just moved on with his life and forgotten about me!!”

The palpable distress of his best friend cut right through Hiro and he reached out to grab Shuichi by the shoulders, giving him a sharp shake to stop the tirade of angry words. He saw Shuichi’s eyes focus back on him as he spoke forcefully, “Stop it, Shu! Don’t you understand! Yuki loved you so much he went looking for you! As soon as he heard about the accident he went over there to try and find you. He had thought he had lost you but he still kept looking. He dropped everything here to just find you and he kept on going, never giving up. You weren’t just lovers, Shu, you were partners - in everything! Don’t you remember the rings you exchanged? Don’t you remember the commitment that you made to each other?”

Shuichi automatically glanced down at his left hand. There was no ring there, and he knew that from the time he had awoken in hospital he had never had a ring. Not surprising in one way. It was likely it didn’t survive the crash, either being pulled off or more likely slipping off due to the blood that had liberally coated him at that time. There wasn’t even a tan mark left to signify perhaps that one had resided there at one time, not after all this time. However, on the ring finger was a small jagged scar circling a portion of that finger, as though something had been there once, and had ripped into the skin as it was torn away. Something like a ring perhaps.

“It wasn’t just you, Shuichi. Yuki made that commitment as well. You made it together. Do you think he would have done that if he hadn’t truly meant it? You know what he’s like better than anyone. He doesn’t do things that he doesn’t want to!”

Shuichi rubbed at the tiny scar and looked back up at Hiro in tears. “So why does he hate me now?” he said brokenly, looking crushed.

“He doesn’t,” Hiro tried to explain. “He doesn’t hate you at all. But he’s a stubborn bastard who is completely lacking in any people skills, and he never knows how to admit that he was wrong.” Hiro squeezed Shuichi’s shoulders tightly. “He hasn’t forgotten you, I swear he hasn’t. But he’s a useless prick sometimes and he probably doesn’t know what to say to you now after all of this. It was a big shock to him that you didn’t remember him.”

“So this is all my fault now?!” Shuichi’s eyes flashed in anger.

“Hey, no! I wasn’t saying that!” Hiro tried to calm him again without avail.

Shuichi sprang to his feet and began pacing. “But that’s what Yuki thinks, isn’t it? That prick blames me for not remembering. The fact that I was damn lucky to even be alive he’s not even taking into account! That jerk!! Who does he think he is?! He kicks me out of my place, packs up my things, touches my Nittle Grasper collection, and keeps lying to me all this time - and he still makes it out to be my fault!!”

Hiro clapped a hand over his eyes and shook his head in despair. Between the two of them he sometimes didn’t know who was the bigger idiot! Why couldn’t they just get their act together and finally sort themselves out and stop giving everyone else a headache!

“Shuichi, stop it!” he snapped, getting to his feet and going over to his friend and standing in his way so he was forced to halt his frantic pacing, gripping his shoulders. “Will you just settle down! Look, I know you’re mad, and I’m not going to try and tell you what Yuki is thinking because I haven’t got a clue what that man is thinking half the time! I just know that he was really concerned for you and did everything he could to get you home. You don’t do that for someone you hate, you know that! You know what Yuki is like. Think about it - remember what he had been like before. You’ve been with him a long time, and been through so much with him, you know how he thinks better than anyone. He doesn’t do things the way you would expect a normal person to. Hell, /you/ don’t do things the way a normal person would! That’s what makes the two of you such a perfect pair in some ways. You’re both completely fucked up!”

Shuichi just stared at Hiro, some of the anger fading away. “So if he’s supposed to still love me, why did he kick me out of our home?” he finally asked more quietly.

Hiro shrugged, “I don’t know. All I know is that he thought you would probably freak to find out you had been living with a man before. You had a girlfriend then, remember? He didn’t know how you would react to that sort of news about your past. Personally I think he was scared to admit that he was your lover when it had seemed that you had moved on and was in love with someone else. That would have hurt his ego a hell of a lot.”

“Yeah,” Shuichi murmured, “Yeah, that sounds more like him.”

“Exactly,” Hiro agreed. “So he was doing a bit of covering his ass because he didn’t want to look like a fool. I think he was trying to prepare himself for the fact that you didn’t love him anymore, and I don’t think he was coping too good with that idea. Yuki doesn’t seem to handle rejection very well from what I’ve seen.”

Shuichi snorted, “He really hasn’t had to deal with it that much in his life. Generally he’s always got everything he’s wanted.”

“Probably why he was so shit scared that you didn’t seem to remember him, or your time together. That must have been a real kick in the guts for him.”

“Guess so,” Shuichi said softly. “It probably did hurt him. More than he would have let on.”

Hiro released Shuichi’s shoulders and went to sit back down on the couch, picking up one of the towels discarded there and tossing it back to Shuichi who caught it. “So do you see now? Does that make a little more sense to you? None of us knew what you were remembering about Yuki, or if you had remembered anything about your life with him, you weren’t saying so we didn’t know if we should be telling you stuff or not.”

Shuichi absently began to dry his hair. “I was only remembering bits and pieces, and it was all mangled together so I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. I thought it had all been a one sided affair on my part and that it was just play-acting on his.”

“You think you could have done that good a job of it?” Hiro asked with a quizzical eyebrow raised.

Shuichi shrugged, “I don’t know. That’s just what seemed to make sense from what I could remember, and what little people had said. I didn’t know what else to think about it. Actually being in a relationship with Yuki didn’t seem like a possibility at that time.”

“Well, I suppose that was true. Look, I’m sorry I lied to you,” Hiro said seriously, looking over at his friend. “I didn’t like doing it, but I didn’t know if it was the right or wrong thing to do at the time.”

Shuichi paused in his rubbing for a moment and grimaced, “I can’t honestly say that you didn’t do the right thing. I don’t know how this would have turned out if you had told me the truth right from the start. Look, it’s over with now. Forget it.” Shuichi came and sat on the couch next to Hiro and continued rubbing his wet hair.

“So what are you going to do now?” Hiro asked.

“Don’t know.” Shuichi answered quietly.

“Aren’t you going to see him?”

Shuichi paused again. “I…don’t think so. I wouldn’t know what to say to him.”

Hiro rolled his eyes and then turned to grab his friend by the arms and gave him a shake that was hard enough to rattle his teeth. “Gods, you are such an idiot! As much as Yuki is! You two are completely impossible! Go, go find him! Talk to him! He’s out there and he’s still in love with you, I would stake my life on it. If you don’t go and talk to him, you two are going to dance around each other forever and never resolve this! You’ll drive the rest of us crazy! You have to go and talk to him!”

“What…what if he truly doesn’t love me anymore?” Shuichi said in a small voice.

“Then at least you’ll finally know the truth and you won’t have to be left wondering about it forever more.” Hiro said pragmatically. “Isn’t that better than constantly guessing and worrying?”

Hiro did have a point, Shuichi realised, feeling the ache in his chest lessen a little. To finally know the truth, the whole truth, would be a relief. Then at least he would know where he was going from there.

“You had better get out of those wet clothes.” Hiro suddenly said, changing the subject. “Go and have a hot shower and we’ll put these out to dry. You can borrow some of my stuff in the meantime.”

Shuichi looked up at his friend. “Are you sure?”

Hiro smiled at him. “’Course I am. Though you do realize that I look much better in my clothes than you do? You have a lousy dress sense!”

“Yeah, right!” Shuichi half snorted, looking a little more normal now as he rose and walked to the shower. He was beginning to feel a little better about himself and the situation also.

As he stood under the warm water he could feel the chill fading from his body and also the anger receding in his mind. He still didn’t fully understand why Yuki had done what he had, why he had insisted on this big charade for so long, but Hiro had argued so convincingly that he realized that he had to confront Yuki himself and ask those questions. Only once he had received the answers could he begin to make some decisions about what he was to do for the future.

He slipped into Hiro’s borrowed sweat pants and top, rolling the sleeves and legs up a little as they were too long for his shorter stature. Fortunately the drawstring ensured that they didn’t slip off his slim hips completely so he wouldn’t be in danger of embarrassing himself in public.

Hioro looked up as he exited the bathroom, smiling at his comical appearance. “Say one word and I’ll throw something at you.’ Shuichi threatened, waving a fist in his direction.

“Now, would I say anything?” Hiro replied, trying to look innocent.

“Huh,” Shuichi responded. “You sure it’s okay for me to borrow these?”

Hiro waved him on his way. “Yeah, no problem. You can pick your clothes up some other time.”

“Thanks. For everything,” Shuichi said with feeling. What would he do without Hiro in his life?, he wondered. He hoped he would never have to find out.

“Go on, get out of here.” Hiro said with a smile, shooing him towards the door. “You’ve got things to do. Think about what I’ve said.” Shuichi opened the door and stepped out when Hiro spoke again. “Remember, if things don’t work out or you ever need anything, you know where I am.”

Shuichi looked back over his shoulder. “Thanks, Hiro.”

“Anytime.” was his friend’s warm response.

Hiro remained staring at the closed door for a moment more and then leant his head back on the back of the couch. What a night! He felt like his own emotions had been on a roller-coaster along with Shuichi’s, as his friend oscillated between anger and despair. He had to admit that he felt a huge amount of relief now that everything was out in the open. It resolved his issues as well. He hoped that the two of them could work things out.

He suddenly began to laugh quietly. Who would have thought that he would have argued so ardently in Yuki’s favour to get Shuichi back together with him! What was the world coming to?! He reached down and picked up the wet towels and took them back to the bathroom. Well, tomorrow was another day. Let’s see what it brings.

*********

Shuichi left Hiro’s apartment and paused outside. It was no longer raining and looking at the sky there was no sign of an impending shower to come in the near future so he felt it was safe to walk at this time. He knew his way home from here, now that he had his bearings, and he still needed to think. He had his cell phone, and Hiro had loaned him some money so if he needed to grab a taxi he could do so. He had no intention of getting caught in a downpour again. Once per night was more than enough.

He thought about what Hiro had told him. Some of what he had said made sense, but it still didn’t explain everything to Shuichi’s satisfaction. He could still feel the pulse of anger when he thought about having to live in his current apartment, instead of in his real home. Yuki had no right to do that to him, not again! The apartment they shared had been theirs, Yuki’s and his. Yuki didn’t have the right to just arbitrarily decide that he couldn’t live there any longer! And lying to him! That bastard sat directly opposite and downright lied to him! He said they had just been ‘friends’! The jerk!

The anger swelled higher and he consciously forced it back down, not letting it take him over completely. Calm, he had to remain calm and try and think this through rationally. He couldn’t afford to have his thoughts muddled again. He had too much to try and sort out. What should he do now? Did he want to see Yuki? He concentrated on that thought now. Did he? He was angry with the man so should he see him whilst he was in this state? Wouldn’t he just say something that he would probably regret later on? Or say something that made Yuki mad? He ground his teeth together, along with another surge of anger. Fuck it if he made Yuki mad! What about him being mad?! He was the one that had the right to be angry with everything, so Yuki should cut him some slack if he said anything to upset him! Yuki had said plenty over the years that had made Shuichi angry and hurt but he hadn’t held that against him! It was time that Yuki got some of what he deserved!

His feet pounded on the pavement as he strode along with angry steps. He suddenly stopped. No, that wasn’t right. He quelled his angry feelings once more. He couldn’t see Yuki whilst he was so angry, that wouldn’t resolve anything. All they would end up doing would be probably to yell at each other – again. If he saw Yuki he wanted to be able to talk to him at least like an adult and not in an all out screaming match. He wanted to be able to ask serious questions and get some serious answers. Being angry wasn’t going to help in that.

He began walking again, a little more slowly. He thought hard about what he could now recall of his life with Yuki. Gods, it had been difficult at the start. No, ‘difficult’ was definitely an understatement, ‘hell’ pretty much summed it up better. What the two of them had gone through during that time. Yuki had had just as many issues to sort out as Shuichi had, probably even more in some ways, but it had all been worth it in the end. He lifted his left hand up to gaze at that small scar. Yes, he remembered clearly that moment, how his heart had been so filled with emotion that he hadn’t even been able to speak. When Yuki had slipped that token onto his finger, as he felt the smooth coolness of the metal encircle his skin, he had thought he would never be happier in his life than at that moment. That was the moment that had made everything else, all the pains and hurts from the past, fade into insignificance. He hugged the hand to his chest, once again feeling that flush of warmth through his entire body as he remembered that moment of pure joy. He sighed happily at the thought. Oh, yes, that had been a beautiful day. He wanted to have that back again. He wanted to see that look in Yuki’s eyes as it had been at that moment.

But would he? He paused for a moment, thinking. What if things had changed, despite what Hiro thought? Perhaps Yuki had moved on by now also. He had no idea what he was up to now. What about that person that Yuki was supposed to be pining for that Tatsuha had mentioned? His stomach churned at that thought. Had he already lost Yuki? Was he too late? Who would know?

Of course. He grimaced. There was one person who would know everything. He pulled out his phone and dialed the number, waiting. He knew it was late but he hoped that it would be answered because he needed to know now. Tomorrow might be too late.

The ringing continued. Damn it, the man never turned the phone off so why wasn’t he answering! Then there was click as the call was connected and a soft voice answered.

“You wanted to know if I had something to ask you,” Shuichi said, “I need some answers.”