The Key to My Heart

Author: JadeHeart
Fandom: Gravitation (after the manga finishes)
Warnings: bad language, angst
Author's Notes: I must say thank you to everyone that has followed this story, and for all the support and encouragement you have given. To my regular readers who began this journey with me from the very beginning and have stayed with me through all this time, and to everyone else that took the time to read and review, thank you very much.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of ‘Gravitation’, and I’m certainly not making any profits from this although I have enjoyed using them enormously!


Chapter 41


Yuki wandered the dark streets aimlessly for a time until he made his way to a bar that was nearby. He sat there at the counter in the farthest corner, away from the rest of the patrons. He was onto his third drink by this time, waiting for that warmth and numbness caused by the alcohol to overtake him. So far it was holding off which was starting to piss him off. He didn’t want to have to be rolling drunk to get the benefits of false oblivion. Picking up the glass again he noticed the water streaking the window nearby. It was raining, and quite heavily too. Great, he thought sourly, how much worse could this night get? He had no umbrella so he was going to get soaked trying to get home and he hated having to wait for taxis. He glared at the raindrops but they didn’t lessen. He threw back the rest of his drink and signaled for the bar tender. Well, guess that meant he would just have to stay here till it had stopped then. May as well keep drinking then.

An hour or so later, the rain had ceased and he left the bar. The pavement was slick under his feet from the water, riverlets running along the gutters by the road, droplets still cascading from the overhanging signs and awnings. He tightly buttoned his coat around him, turning up the collar against the chill. He started walking in the direction of his home but still couldn’t bring himself to return just yet, so instead changed direction. He wasn’t as drunk as he would have liked to have been. He had had every intention of continuing with his drinking, but after his fourth he found he really couldn’t stomach any more and had instead turned to coffee. So he was pretty much sober by now, which as a very depressing thought.

He walked slowly, in no rush to go any where and with no particular place in mind to head to. He simply let his feet take him in what ever direction they wished to, paying little heed to his location. When he eventually bothered to take note of his surroundings he found himself in the park. In some ways it wasn’t surprising that he had ended up here. Since returning to Japan from America he would often come here. It was peaceful, quiet, and soothing to his ragged nerves during those early days. Although he knew that back then he was always hoping that, somehow, he would find a certain someone here also. It had always seemed so ‘wrong’ that that person wasn’t here when he had come, as though something really important was missing from this place. From his many forays here, he now understood why Shuichi had always spent so much time at this park. There was just something about it that drew you to the place.

He sat down on a bench, ignoring the moisture coating the seat, trusting in the thickness of his coat to prevent the worst from soaking through to his clothes. He pulled out his packet of cigarettes and lit one, feeling the fleeting flush of heat from the flame on his face warming him. He exhaled, watching the smoke curl away lazily, as his breath steamed in the cool air.

He leant back fully on the bench, stretching one arm across the back and tilting his head up to view the night sky above. The clouds scudded rapidly across the sky, stars winking fitfully between their passing. He still didn’t want to go home just yet. He snorted to himself. How stupid he was, scared to return to his own apartment like he thought it had ghosts or something! He took another drag on the cigarette, the automatic motion soothing. Perhaps it would get better once all Shuichi’s things were gone, when he didn’t have those constant reminders of his loss, like a constant stabbing in his heart. Where his thoughts and feelings of Shuichi were, was like an open wound that never healed. Always there, and always hurting. Perhaps it would be better once the place was completely cleared out.

He knew he was lying to himself.

He continued to smoke, watching the cigarette grow shorter with ever puff. The breeze ruffled his hair, dragging strands across his eyes. He needed to get it cut again, it had grown back down to his collar and was constantly falling into his eyes. He supposed he could just grow it right out, let it become quite long and then tie it back. That would be easier to look after. It would be a very different look for him. He wondered what Mizuki would think of it if he did. Would his fans like him with longer hair? Probably. It would most likely make him look very different also. In fact, thinking about it, it would probably make him look a lot like a lighter version of Mika, just like Tatsuha was a darker version of himself at this time. Now, that would just be plain weird! However, perhaps the change would be worth it.

Maybe it was time for him to make other changes too. He stubbed out the finished cigarette and immediately reached for another. His hands were beginning to feel a little chilled, and the flickering warmth from the flame was welcome. He might even look at moving. He had been in this place for sometime and it was probably too big for him. He didn’t need all the space now. Finding a place in Tokyo was never easy certainly, but maybe that was just the sort of change he needed; a complete change of scenery. It did seem a little drastic in one way, but at the same time it did make sense. It’s not like he couldn’t afford something else, and if he was downsizing it would no doubt be cheaper. He chewed his lip gently. Or if he didn’t want to buy something else he supposed he could go home for a while, back to Kyoto and the temple. That would definitely be a change of scenery. He thought about it a moment longer then mentally shook his head. No, absolutely not! His father would drive him nuts!

He heaved a frustrated sigh and dropped the second finished cigarette to the ground, placing his shoe over the still smoking butt and grinding it out. A glint of silver near his foot made him reach down and pick up a discarded bottle top lying there. He tossed it aimlessly up and down in his hand, still thinking. Yeah, it was time for some changes in his life. Hairstyle, home life, location, he could do that. It was time to move on. He couldn’t even make it sound convincing to himself, but he ignored the little voice telling him so.

Standing, he walked over to the railing, leaning on it and looking out over the city. It was a beautiful sight; the city lights shining and reflected in the water left by the rains. Shuichi had always liked to come here. He used to call it ‘his park’, as though he had some sort of exclusive rights to it or something. He had really thought of this place as a kind of Nirvana of inspiration for him! Yuki snorted out load. Stupid idiot! It was just a park! So, why did it have the same pull on him as it had seemed to on Shuichi?

Yuki’s hand clenched tightly around the bottle top still in his hand. Why could he not stop thinking about him?! He had thought he was getting better, some days only thinking of him a hundred times, instead of every single minute in the day. No matter how hard he tried, thoughts of Shuichi invaded his mind at every possible turn; even now. It was Shuichi this, Shuichi that and Shuichi everything else! His hands were squeezed tight into fists. Why couldn’t he forget?! There was no Shuichi anymore! He had to get over this! The edge of the bottle top was pressing into his skin, beginning to slice the tender flesh of his palm. He /would/ get over this! He would not be a slave to thoughts of Shuichi for the rest of his life! He would not go through that again!! Not for anyone!!

“DAMN YOU!!!” he screamed out suddenly, his cry cutting loudly through the silence, hurling the bottle top far into the night and losing sight of it immediately in the darkness. “Damn you, Shuichi!” he murmured more softly, as he slumped in defeat against the rail, head dropping to rest on his folded arms. The ghost of a chuckle escaped his lips. Oh, yes, this behaviour really showed just how ‘over it’ he was, didn’t it! Who was he kidding? He was truly pathetic!

He straightened up, feeling his eyes aching. A sudden gust of wind whipped around his body, making him shiver. It was definitely getting colder. He really should go home soon or he was liable to catch a chill and he hated being sick. He pushed his hands into the pockets of his coat, trying to warm them up. One hand closed around something small, fingers feeling the crinkling of paper under them. He froze. He knew what it was, although in some ways he had forgotten it. Yet at the same time, it had never truly left his thoughts. He had been carrying it with him for so long now, for so many months, it had become like some sort of talisman. Every day it had given him hope. False hope, as it turned out. Now, it was just another thing from a past that he was trying to escape.

Slowly, he drew his hand out, still clutching the object. He unfolded the layers of papers gently to gaze down at the hidden treasure that lay there in the palm of his hand. Such a small thing. Such a small thing to mean so much.

A torn piece of the paper was caught by the wind as it gusted around him again, sending it fluttering out of his hand. He turned his head to track its path, watching as it was tossed heedlessly on the wind this way and that before it settled to the ground - at the feet of a figure standing there in the shadows cast by the park lights, no more than a dark silhouette in the night.

It seemed to Yuki that the world suddenly took on the quality of a dream. He could still hear the faint hum of traffic, the other sounds of the city. He could still smell that clean freshness in the air after a fall of rain, he could still feel the dampness from his wet coat. Yet, somehow, it seemed like none of it was truly real.

The figure bent down, picking up the paper lying there pressed up against a shoe, before straightening once more. The shadowy silhouette seemed to look at that piece of whiteness intently for a moment although Yuki knew that there was nothing interesting about it. It was nothing more than a blank piece of tissue paper that had been used as wrapping, nothing more. What could be so interesting about that?

Yuki felt his heart clench tightly as he watched these actions played out before him. Every motion was like a stab through his heart. He could vividly remember a similar event, one from long ago. Their first meeting; the first time he had met Shuichi. It had been just like this. Right here in this park. It had been the start of everything, the start of his life. His throat tightened with tears that were bursting to be released.

“Zero,” the voice drifted on the night to him. “You’ve got zero talent.”

The words struck Yuki straight to the bottom of his soul with pain and fear. How? How could anyone have known that is what he had said? No-one had been here that night - it had just been the two of them! Why would anyone try and torment him like this?! Then his racing thoughts calmed as he realized he knew that voice. That voice was as familiar to him as his own. His thoughts came to a sudden halt as they struggled to grasp what was happening. Now he was looking more closely he could recognize that shadowy figure, it was no longer just an unknown blob of darkness. He could now tell that the figure was the well-known slight form that belonged to Shuichi. Shuichi was here, standing right here. Yuki’s heart began to race. He remembered! Shuichi remembered those words, those very first words that Yuki had ever said to him! He remembered and was saying them!

Yuki didn’t realize he was quietly weeping. He didn’t feel the tears on his face, drying almost immediately with the wind as he stood there with his heart pounding painfully in his chest. Feelings of joy and pain were intermingled; joy that the youth remembered that first moment together. Pain, for the remembered harshness of those words; and following close behind, fear, that Shuichi remembered nothing more. Yet, still he felt so happy that he remembered even that much. It was a bitter sweetness.

Yuki watched as Shuichi walked slowly towards him until he was standing directly in front, stopping to look up into his face. A gentle smile touched his lips as he gazed up at him.

“Hi, Yuki. It’s been a while.”

Yuki couldn’t speak. He just continued to look down into that beautiful face. He wanted so much to reach out and hold him but he didn’t dare move. He had no right to touch him anymore. He had lost that chance, thrown it away. He hadn’t treated it as the precious gift that it had been and now it had been stolen from him, and no matter how much he yearned for it he no longer had the right to try and selfishly hold onto it against its will. He kept his hands clenched at his sides to prevent his arms from wrapping around that body and holding it tight in his embrace. Instead he watched as Shuichi turned away from him and took a couple of steps to the railing, looking out over the city as he had been doing previously.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen this view,” Shuichi said, gazing at the glittering scene in front of him. “It truly is a beautiful sight. I remember that I used to spend a lot of time here; thinking, writing songs, crying, all sorts of times. I always thought of this place as being mine. I’ve had the best times, and some of the worst times, right here in this park, but the time I think it looked the most beautiful, was that first time,” He looked back at Yuki who still stood where he was silently. “The first time I met you.”

Yuki’s heart leapt in his chest, not daring to hope, to believe what he was hearing. Was Shuichi saying that he could remember more? Did he remember anything else? Did he know now just how much he meant to Yuki?

Shuichi turned his back on the city lights so he was facing Yuki directly. “I’d been having these funny flashes in my mind ever since the accident. All the time I was in America I had them. The doctors couldn’t really tell me much about them or why I was having them because they didn’t really seem to be about me, but about someone else. I seemed to always be thinking of someone else and all the things they did, but I couldn’t remember anything about myself, which was pretty weird.

“Then, much later, I realized they were about someone else, someone I obviously knew. You; I could remember more about you and things to do with you, Yuki, than I could about myself, but I didn’t realize it was you I was remembering at that time. Things were still pretty hazy back then and really confusing for me.” Shuichi pushed his hands into the pockets of his sweat pants, hunching his shoulders. “I just tried to get along as best I could at that time. That was all that was really important to me then. Just to be alive was enough.

“You know, that first time I saw you in Quebec I felt like my heart was going to burst. I had to stop myself running and throwing myself into your arms, it was this completely gut reaction. I had no idea why I was thinking or feeling like that when I didn’t even know who the hell you were! It was pretty damn scary. I didn’t know what was going on, or why I was feeling these things, and everything felt all jumbled up inside. Both inside my head, and inside my heart. I felt like I was fighting with myself all the time and it was damn exhausting. It seemed like I was getting pulled in so many different directions all at once and I just couldn’t make any sense out of any of it.

“I had always felt that I was looking for something, or waiting for someone after waking up in the hospital. I just had this absolute conviction that there was something or someone that either I had to find, or they had to find me.” Shuichi threw a half smile over to Yuki. “I’m probably not making a lot of sense with any of this, but it’s the only way I can think of to explain it to you. I had thought that being with Annette was the answer; that she would give me what I was looking for so I was really happy to meet her.

“Then I met you. Every day after that night was harder and harder for me; harder for me to be over there, harder for me to continue my life as if nothing had changed. Harder for me to be with Annette. I soon realized that I was deliberately trying to avoid her and I didn’t know why. I still cared about her, I really did. That hadn’t changed. But somehow it just felt…wrong all of a sudden. When I was due to come back to Japan, well, I asked her not to come with me then, although not in so many words. She really couldn’t at that time anyway, but I probably played on that a bit. I kind of pretended that I wanted her to come straight away, when all the time I guessed that she wouldn’t be able to.” Shuichi had the grace to look a little guilty. “I tried staying in touch once I came back here, but every time I spoke to her I felt like I was cheating on her, or leading her on in someway. I found it harder and harder to talk to her, and I kept making up excuses of why I couldn’t call her as often as I had. I felt awful for doing that to her, but I just couldn’t help it. I couldn’t even tell her why I was doing this because I didn’t even know myself!”

He reached up and pushed his hair away from his eyes. “Not long ago I called her to talk about a few things. With all the different stuff I was remembering about my life before there was a lot she needed to know about. We spent more than three hours on the phone. It was the longest we had talked for since I had come back, and it felt good to be able to talk to her like that again. It was almost like old times.” Shuichi’s smile was warm as Yuki listened to him speak about his girlfriend and he felt his heart begin to shrivel with jealousy, and envy.

“After that conversation we came to an understanding.”

This is it, Yuki thought. This is where he tells me he’s getting married or something. I can’t stand this! I don’t want to hear it!!

“We broke up that night.”

Yuki blinked in disbelief, not believing he had heard right. They…broke up? He had just said how well they were getting along! What’s going on?!

Shuichi continued, “I just couldn’t go on pretending that everything was the same because it wasn’t. I felt so bad for hurting her, but in some ways she didn’t seem that surprised.” He looked directly at Yuki with a small sad smile. “She really is a wonderful person, and she did so much for me. She really accepted me for just who I was, even if I didn’t have a real name. She meant a lot to me. She still does.” He shrugged then, “But that didn’t change what I was feeling now.”

Shuichi tilted his head back to gaze up at the stars, the familiar gesture dragging at Yuki’s heart.

“Since getting back to Japan, things have started coming back to me more and more. It’s not like a thunderbolt or a great flood of memories most of the time. Usually it’s more like little dribbles of information. I see something or someone, or go somewhere, and suddenly I’ll have a memory back. It’s been a little confusing at times because it feels a bit like a jigsaw puzzle, trying to fit the pieces together in the right order to make the whole picture. Some of it’s not been particularly nice either.” Yuki saw Shuichi grimace and a shudder shake his slight form. He wondered just which memory he was referring to. He hoped it wasn’t something to do with him.

“I know I haven’t got it all back yet, and perhaps I never will. I still feel that sometimes I’m trying to live the life of a stranger, that it’s not really me at all. Sometimes I think ‘Shu Chan’ is still inside here,” and he placed a hand over his heart for a moment. “But I also know that I am Shuichi Shindou, and I always have been. I have so much of my memory back now. I can remember a lot of things about ‘Bad Luck’, my family, my friends, school, .....” He dropped his head to look back at Yuki, his voice softening. “You,” The intense look on Shuichi’s face made Yuki’s heart clench as the youth continued, “And us.”

Yuki remained silent, not knowing what to say. Could this be true? Was he just dreaming all this? This was almost beyond belief! This was all he had hoped for all along! It couldn’t be real! Miracles don’t happen! Yet, Shuichi was still standing before him, leaning back on the rail casually, hair whipping in the wind as it rushed past them both. There was Shuichi saying that he could remember them now. That he not only remembered their relationship, but that he had broken up with his girlfriend as well! Did this mean what he hoped it did? Had Shuichi come back to him?

“We had some….difficult times, didn’t we?” Shuichi spoke quietly again, focusing Yuki’s attention back on him. “You were pretty….harsh. And rough sometimes.”

Yuki’s heart plummeted. Shuichi was looking over at him with an expressionless face and he felt his chest tighten painfully. No, he had been right. Miracles don’t happen. It was just as he had feared all along. Shuichi only remembered the hard times they had had, how difficult it had been for them, all the times that Yuki had been cruel and heartless and hurt him. And there had been plenty of those, right from the start. Back then, he had always been amazed that Shuichi had stayed with him. That the youth had persevered through it all to finally reach the point where they could both admit completely honestly just how much they cared for each other, far beyond anyone else. But that all came much, much later. Shuichi was obviously speaking of before then. Before Yuki could call himself a human being and not a monster. He had failed Shuichi back then so many times. He felt like he was going to throw up from the churning in his stomach. He should have tried so much harder!

Yuki clamped down on the rising sobs that were threatening to burst from him, gritting his teeth and swallowing before speaking. “Things….weren’t easy.” he admitted clumsily, not knowing what else he could even say. There was no point lying about it. He had been a complete bastard back then. What more could be said?

“Hmm,” Shuichi responded, remaining where he was at the railing.

“Don’t worry,” Yuki said around the tears that threatened to close his throat. “It’s not like you have to worry about it any more. That’s over with now. I’m…glad you’re doing better.” He turned abruptly to walk away, trying to hide the tears that were streaking his face. He wouldn’t break down in front of Shuichi! If he did, he knew he would just collapse where he stood and never get up again but remain curled up in a ball at the youth’s feet and wish for death. His steps quickened. Oh, how he had to get away! It hurt too damn much to be so close to him!!

“Eiri,” Shuichi’s voice carried on the wind to him stopping him dead in his tracks as surely as if he had be grabbed.

He….had called him by his name! Shuichi had called him by his name! Yuki just stood where he was, unmoving. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t go forward, yet he couldn’t turn around. He was too afraid to face the younger man. Too afraid of what he might see.

“Eiri,” Shuichi repeated.

Still Yuki didn’t turn. He just couldn’t. He was holding his breath, waiting, waiting for something although he had no idea of what. He felt like a man awaiting his execution, waiting for the blade to fall and finally just end everything.

“I love you.”

The words drifted with the wind, carrying clearly across the distance separating them. He had heard those words before spoken by that voice. He knew what they sounded like, but this time…this time they were different, so very different. Could he really have heard it? Was this real?

Yuki couldn’t breathe. He felt like he was starved of oxygen, drowning in the relief and joy that was filling his heart in a way that he had never felt before. His hands were clenched at his side, every muscle rigid, trying desperately to hold himself together. He couldn’t move, he was afraid to move for fear of breaking this spell, and finding that it was all nothing but a dream. Terrified that he would wake up and it would all be gone, leaving him once again with nothing. He couldn’t bear it if that were to happen! He couldn’t bear it again!

*************

Shuichi watched Yuki from where he stood by the railing, waiting for the man to turn around, to say something, to do something, anything! He hadn’t intended to say those words. It wasn’t something that he had planned or thought about, but when Yuki had turned away from him, when he had begun to walk away into the darkness, a wave of fear had swept over him almost as if it were trying to drown him on the spot. He had simply reacted then, and said the first thing that came to mind. And it was those three words. He could remember all the other times he had said those words before to this very man. He could remember all the derogatory comments that used to be all the response he would get - but he could also remember how later, the response to those words was the same ones that he had spoken. Those words were all that he had to give Yuki now.

He had spent a long time on the phone to Tohma, listening to everything the other man had told him. It had seemed that Tohma couldn’t wait to tell him everything for once he started to talk he didn’t seem to be able to stop until it had all been said. Shuichi found that he didn’t need to ask half the questions that he had thought of because Tohma answered them without them being voiced.

He had listened in astonishment, and sometimes disbelief, as the whole story came out from the moment that Tohma had received Yuki’s call on that fateful night, up to this very evening. He could hardly match up his Yuki, the one in his memories, to the one who had traveled across the globe, sat at the bedside of a dying stranger, had brawls in alleys in New York and befriend two detectives and a FBI agent, and combed the clubs of Quebec City, all just to find him. Why had Yuki gone to such extremes? He would never have thought he would do something like that for him. He was sure he would have given up long before Yuki had. He was sure he would have just thought it was too hard, or left it to the authorities. But Yuki hadn’t. He had gone there and done it all himself, against all the odds. Shuichi didn’t know what to think or feel about that.

He listened in shock and growing horror as Tohma told him off Yuki’s bouts in hospital; the first in New York that he had heard about too late, and then the later ones here in Japan. He felt relief in knowing that it had actually been Yuki he had seen at the club and not a product of his over-active imagination, but felt his heart stop when Tohma told of Yuki’s accident that night. A flood of relief eased his mind when Tohma assured him that Yuki was okay and suffered no more than slight injuries.

After he had heard everything there was to hear he had thanked Tohma for finally telling him the truth, apologizing for disturbing him. As he was preparing to hang up he heard Tohma’s last words, “He needs you, Shindou. He needs you more than you or he knows.” And with that Tohma cut the connection.

Shuichi had stood there for a moment longer just looking at the phone, thinking about those last words. Tohma had sounded so certain, and when Tohma was certain it usually meant it was true. That’s it, he thought decisively. He would go and see Yuki and sort this out now!

He flagged a cab down and gave the driver directions to his old home. He paid the fare and raced inside, reaching the familiar door in record time. He knocked on the door furiously and waited impatiently. There was no response. He knocked again, calling out at the top of his lungs, “Yuki!”, but still no answer. Damn it, where the hell was the man!

He frowned, not knowing what to do now. He had no way of knowing where Yuki was, and obviously Tohma didn’t know or he would have said something, of that Shuichi was certain. Damn! He had wanted to see him. He felt tears pricking at his eyes and scrubbed an arm across them, wiping away the building moisture. There was no point crying about it, he told himself angrily, sniffing. He turned away from the door and with slumped shoulders made his way back outside.

Damn it, damn it, damn it! he cursed himself, the world and everything and everyone in it, including Yuki above all else! Why couldn’t anything ever run smoothly for them? All he had wanted to do was to see Yuki tonight. Why was that so damn hard to do?!

He sniffed again, feeling a tear trickled down his cheek. He wiped his face clear again in anger. Stop being a crybaby! He scolded himself. All you ever do is cry! But I want to see Yuki! his inner voice wailed despairingly. He tried to ignore it.

His slow steps had led him to a place that he remembered all too well now. The trees were a familiar sight and it brought back so many different memories. He made his way along the familiar paths, heading towards his favourite place. He had stopped suddenly when he could see someone else standing there. At first he had felt anger. How dare someone be in his spot! Then he felt himself go cold all over, before a flush of heat flooded through him immediately after. He knew that person.

He had watched Yuki standing there, looking at something in his hand. He saw the piece of paper blowing towards him and watched as Yuki turned his head to follow its path. He looked down at the fluttering remnant at his feet and couldn’t resist picking it up. There was nothing on it, but it brought a smile to his lips as it reminded him of another incident and he couldn’t help saying those words.

That had led him to this point; standing here waiting for Yuki to say something. To respond to him in some way, even if it was to yell at him and call him a moron and tell him to get lost. All he wanted was some sort of indication that he was even important enough to the man to warrant a response of any kind!

Still he waited, wondering what Yuki was thinking. He didn’t turn around to face him and he was beginning to feel his fear grow. Did Yuki not love him any longer? Did he not want to be with him any more? Is that why he wasn’t saying anything? Was he so angry with him for not remembering their relationship that he wanted nothing more to do with him? He hadn’t deliberately tried to forget Yuki; he was sure he hadn’t! He didn’t know why his relationship with Yuki seemed to be the last thing for him to remember. He wished it was the first thing now! Was Yuki that angry about the fact that he had cheated on him with Annette? He hadn’t meant to, he really hadn’t! He truly didn’t remember Yuki or he would never have done it! And he felt just as bad for being in a relationship with Annette when all the time, deep in his heart, he had been in love with someone else. That had hardly been fair to Annette! He knew he loved Yuki, in every fibre of his body he knew that! He only wanted to be with Yuki!

He felt the fear continue to increase inside, churning his stomach, clawing at the back of his throat, making it hard for him to swallow. His eyes were beginning to burn as tears threatened to come. What could he do?! He couldn’t bear it if he lost Yuki now! Not when he had finally remembered so much, not when he finally had those memories back! He might not have every little piece back yet, he realized that, but he had so many important ones now! Yes, there were some things that he remembered that he didn’t particularly like about their relationship. He was also sure there were worse ones hidden in the back of his brain and he was a little scared of finally facing those, but even with these gaps in his memories, even with the fear and uncertainty that was there, he didn’t want Yuki to leave him! He could face all those memories, no matter what they were, no matter how bad they were. He could face them if Yuki was with him! It had felt like coming home to finally have the memories of their relationship back, a huge relief at finally finding himself. It explained so much of what he had been feeling for so long, feelings that he had struggled to make sense of. They, above all the other memories, meant the most to him and he couldn’t bear to lose them now!

He could stand it no longer and quickly moved forward, walking to in front of Yuki and standing his ground. He had to make certain that Yuki wouldn’t walk away from him this time. He would stand in front of the man so the only way he could leave would be to walk over the top of him, and even then Shuichi would cling to his ankles so he would be dragged along! He would not let Yuki leave him ever again!

However, when he was standing in front of the other man, he was surprised to see a single tear slip from the corner of one eye and slowly trail down Yuki’s face, tears that then began to fall one after the other. Shuichi’s heart broke at the lost look on his lover’s face, at the pain and fear clearly reflected there. Any last vestiges of anger that he may have felt at Yuki’s deception, disappeared.

He stepped closer, reaching up and with a gentle hand wiped the tears away from one cheek. “Don’t cry, Eiri,” he whispered. “Please don’t. Aren’t you happy?”

“Yes,” Yuki raggedly said, voice breaking. “Yes, I am.”

Shuichi’s heart leapt with relief and joy at this simple reply. “Want a tissue?” he said impishly with a grin.

Shuichi was smiling up at him, looking just as he always had. Yuki’s heart swelled with happiness. “No,” he said, looking down at that wonderful face, then added softly, lovingly. “Brat,”

“Jerk,” Shuichi fired back with a smirk.

“Idiot!” Yuki retorted, feeling happy at this bizarre interchange.

“Dumbass!” Shuichi added, not to be outdone.

Yuki wracked his brain for something else to say and came up with one of his favourites, “Moron!” He had to fight the insane urge to stick his tongue out at the youth like a six year old at getting the last word in. He restrained the impulse. He would not be reduced to that level!

“Feel better?” Shuichi asked, grinning.

“Yeah, guess so. You always were a pain.”

“You bet!” Shuichi agreed with no sign of remorse over Yuki’s assessment. “And you always were a grumpy bastard!”

Yuki sniffed in disagreement but didn’t say anything, just taking the time to gaze down at the face before him. He could see the slight imperfection where Shuichi had suffered a broken cheek bone, but he didn’t think it detracted in any way from his beauty. It was just another thing about Shuichi that he wanted to learn about, to know in every detail.

Shuichi lifted his hand to Yuki’s cheek again, cupping the side of his face. “I know about what you did for me. How long you looked for me, all that you did. Tohma told me everything.”

“Did he?” Yuki didn’t have the energy to be angry with his brother-in-law for breaking his word. At this moment, with Shuichi standing before him and his heart full of happiness, he could forgive even Tohma.

“It couldn’t have been easy but you never gave up, did you? Why not?”

“Knew you were out there somewhere,” Yuki said brokenly, not trusting his voice. His emotions were feeling very fragile just now and he didn’t want to break down completely in front of his young partner, because if he did he didn’t think he would be able to stop bawling. He still had some semblance of pride. “Knew you wouldn’t have left me.”

Shuichi smiled a little, tipping his head to one side, even as his thumb gently stroked Yuki’s cheek. “That’s a bit conceited of you, isn’t it? I might have, you know.”

Yuki shrugged not saying anything. Perhaps it was, but it was all that had kept him going through all those months of not knowing.

“What made you so sure?” Shuichi pressed. “You didn’t know where I was, or what you would find. How did you know that I would come back? How did you know that I would remember one day?”

“Because….” Yuki held up his hand.

It had been on complete impulse when he had had Tohma stop on the way to the airport on that fateful day; the day he had thought he’d lost Shuichi; the day his search had begun. It had been so long ago. He had clung to this one thought through it all; every day, every hour, all this time.

The object that he had been looking at earlier before Shuichi’s arrival dropped downwards with a glitter of gold, swinging from side to side like a pendulum, as Yuki held it from his fingertips.

Shuichi reached out and cupped the pendant, halting its motion. Two charms hung suspended from the chain; one was a heart and one was a key. He looked up at Yuki with tears of love and joy in his eyes.

“Because…” Yuki said in a voice thick with emotion, leaving Shuichi in no doubt of the depth of his feelings. “You are the key to my heart.”

-End-

Final Authors Note: What can I say? Deep down, I must be a hopeless romantic! (Shhh! Don’t tell anyone!)
Just for my own information – I would be curious to find out which chapters / events / characters readers liked the best (or the worst!), if anyone would care to tell me!