Adult-FanFiction.org : Anime

Fight Me, Bite Me	By : Rhov Category: +. to F > Fairy Tail Views: 39446 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 3
Disclaimer: Fairy Tail is the property of Hiro Mashima. I make no money, I just do this for my own pleasure.

Chapter List
- 45
- 46
- 47
A/N: Trigger warnings! Mentions of childhood sexual molestation.
Audio drama with authentic cat-o-nine-tails sound effects by yours truly. ^_^

http://chirb.it/yfge2O

Chapter 46

Flogging the Darkness Away

Natsu sat in Gray's house, seated on the couch with his hands folded together and resting between his parted knees as he stared blankly ahead. Gray sat on a nearby chair, not right next to him as he normally would be on a quiet weekend like this. He watched Natsu with worry.
Things had seemed to be fine at first. They left that horrific castle behind, made it into town, and played around more, taking advantage of the rare gender-bending opportunity. Natsu not only seemed unscathed by whatever he went through, he appeared to be even more confident. Gray had initially hoped that being exposed to that fear and making it out safely had been a cure, or at least psychologically medicinal.
That all changed when they got back to Magnolia. Gray woke up and realized the magic had worn off. His body had returned to normal in the night. He dragged Natsu home with him, eager to get him back and pound into his ass as payback.
"Don't touch me!"
Those words had stunned Gray, and he realized Natsu was anything but okay. Gray had tried to ignore the hollowness in his eyes, but that void grew day by day. Every time Gray tried to touch him intimately, Natsu pulled away, and there was fear in those dimmed eyes.
It was like months of healing had all collapsed.
Days passed, they had sat silently like this before, Natsu slipping away into the labyrinths of his memories, sometimes for minutes at a time. Twenty minutes was the longest. Gray just watched when it happened. He had no idea if he should shout and pull Natsu out of the past, or stay there quietly as he worked through the issue on his own. He really had no clue how to heal Natsu.
He saw when the memory ended. It was like Natsu slowly came back into his own body, his eyes refocused, his spine straightened, and he took a deep breath, letting it escape through his parted lips.
This time, his hands clenched and his brow tensed. "Gray?"
"Yeah." He felt as if his whole body was coiling, ready to spring to Natsu's side.
Natsu gulped and hesitated, but he had a look of determination. His hands squeezed together tighter. "Once … more than once," he whispered reluctantly, "that man in the past, he—" His throat tensed and cut off his words. Natsu flinched, but he still was determined to explain himself. "He made me … touch him."
Gray saw Natsu's folded fingers squeezing so hard, his nails dug into the back of his hands.
"He wanted…" He let out his breath in something between a dry sob and a forced laugh. "I didn't even know what a blow job was at the time."
Gray felt his stomach twist. "Oh God."
"But I … I wouldn't open my mouth," Natsu went on softly. "So, he made me touch him." Natsu's eyes shut as the memory was right there in front of him. It was not something he could hide from, not the sort of thing that closing his eyes would make go away. "He said my hands were good. Small and warm." He scoffed a wry laugh. "'Cute little boy hands.'"
Gray shivered. Cute and boy: the two trigger words Natsu never wanted to hear.
"Then, right as he was almost done, he…" Natsu slowly opened his eyes, and the shine had completely left them. They were dead eyes trapped in another time. "He changed his mind. He started—" Natsu's words got caught for a moment. "—to cut my throat until I finally opened my mouth." Natsu's hand drifted over his neck with a shiver at the memory of pain. "Then he held the knife…" He gulped dryly. "…right against my eyeball so I couldn't pull away. I couldn't bite him or stop him or … or anything. Just sit there … as he … in my mouth, he—"
"You don't have to say it," Gray assured him.
Natsu knew he did not need to. It was obvious what happened next. "He only did that once, but … it wasn't the last time he … made me … touch him. I was his … his slave," he spat out in disgust. "He said that meant he could do anything he wanted with me. He threatened to fuck me so many times, but he never did. Only that. Only stroking him, and that one time in the mouth. Right at the end, he was making me do that almost every day. He said he got over his morning wood quicker when … when it was me … servicing him. As a slave should, he said."
Gray's brow tightened. He remembered near the beginning of their relationship, Natsu viciously refused to do master/slave play. Although it was something Gray really wanted to do, Natsu protested every time. Now Gray understood. This was a harmless sexual fantasy for Gray, but Natsu understood the sickening reality of sex slavery. Gray had just experienced what human trafficking was like, and he had not even been molested by those perverted men.
"Every morning, that was what I had to do first or I couldn't eat. If I wanted food that day, I had to … to service him in the morning."
Gray groaned in disgust.
"I'm sorry," Natsu whispered. "Sorry I never told you that part. It's something I don't like to remember at all." Natsu snuffled and wiped his nose. "And … and I'm sorry … I'm not touching you. I just can't right now. I keep remembering that and … and I just … I can't!" His face collapsed into his hands.
Gray figured it was something like this, and it was what he had feared. What those men did to Natsu had ripped open all sorts of old wounds.
"Natsu?"
He jolted up with worry in his tear-reddened eyes.
Gray laid a hand on Natsu's knee. "Take your time," he said gently. "I'll be right here with you. Whatever you need of me, just ask. Or if you simply need to sit and have me here with you, that's fine too. I've never forced you to do anything, and I won't force you to get over this. I know—I know first hand—when you're reminded of the past, it can take a while to get back to where you are presently."
Natsu lowered his head and twisted his lips together. "But … you…" He pulled away until Gray's hand slipped off his knee. "I know you don't like not doing it for this long."
"Idiot," he sighed. Gray shifted over to him and wrapped an arm around Natsu's hunched shoulders. "I'm not even thinking about sex right now. I'm just thinking about you, and I want to do whatever it takes to help you get through this."
Natsu did not look up at him yet. "Has Lucy told you? That mission? What happened?"
Gray frowned and silently nodded. It took her a few days. They all figured Natsu would tell Gray on his own, but when five days passed and Natsu still had not told him any details, Lucy went ahead and told Gray the whole story, how Natsu threw himself out to those vile men to save her dignity, and what disgusting things they did to him.
"So she told you about … about … what they were doing?"
Again, Gray nodded. "It's why I haven't touched you. I realized you didn't want it."
"Yeah," Natsu whispered sadly. "I'm sorry."
"Shhh." Gray hugged him in reassurance. "It's all right."
Natsu leaned over, rested his head on Gray's chest, and an arm draped over Natsu's shoulders. They cuddled for a few minutes as Natsu stared vacantly. Gray kissed the top of his head and glared into the shadows. He almost wished he had stayed around that castle a little longer so he could castrate those men who put his boyfriend through that.
"C-Can you … um … do something for me?" Natsu asked hesitantly.
Gray smiled to himself, knowing already what Natsu wanted. "Just tell me what you need."
Natsu looked up, and a storm of conflicts raged in those narrow, pointed eyes. "Beat the hell out of me." His face simmered in a severity Gray rarely saw in Natsu. "Just keep hitting me, keep doing it over and over, until I don't feel … like this."
Gray stroked his hand through the pink hair. He knew it was coming. He also knew he had to wait until Natsu was ready. As Gray punished him, Natsu felt a purging sensation, but it also meant he had to face that darkness as it flowed out of him. Gray knew he could do nothing until Natsu was ready for that.
"Are you really sure?" he asked softly.
"Don't touch me," Natsu added, his lips trembling. "Just hit me. Until I feel better, don't touch me."
Gray nodded. "Got it."
The aggression faded, and Natsu shrank again. "Sorry."
"No, it's your call on this. For everything—how you want to do this, what you want me to use—totally your call."
Natsu nodded and took a slow breath to calm himself. "Not the bed. I don't think I want that."
Gray nodded in understanding. The bed was where they made love. It was forever associated with their most endearing, tender, passionate moments together. Natsu probably felt that bringing his darkness to the bed would sully it. Gray had to admit, it would also be very tempting to seduce Natsu if they were in bed.
"Can we … no," he grumbled. Natsu let out a huff of frustration. "You can't … I dunno … string me from the ceiling, can you?"
Gray smirked slightly. "Actually, I could."
Natsu looked up in shock. "Huh?"
"I could make a hook with ice, use the rope, and hoist you up. Pretty sure my ice will stay stuck to the ceiling."
Natsu felt better just knowing this was even possible. "Really?"
"If you don't wiggle around too much."
"Y-Yeah," he stuttered. "Then … that. Standing. And … and hanging from the ceiling, but … but standing. Yeah. That would be okay."
Natsu felt that was the least likely thing to trigger him. With those human traffickers, they had forced him to sit in a chair with handcuffs, so he wanted to avoid sitting or cuffing. Ropes would be better. With the man in the past as well, he had been lying in bed or usually sitting in a chair. Natsu felt standing would put his mind somewhere else.
"All right," said Gray. "What should I use?"
"Everything," Natsu sighed in anguish. He felt like he needed Gray's whole arsenal of kinks to get rid of this feeling in his soul, this tainted blackness poisoning him from the inside.
Gray began to concoct a plan already. Rope, an ice hook, the riding crop, the paddle, every impact play device in his collection. There was a hitch, though. Natsu claimed he wanted everything, but he also did not want to be touched sexually. That limited Gray to only a few devices. No butt plugs or anything meant to arouse. Pure sadism!
Gray licked his lip nervously. "I … um … I got something new. I…" He laughed softly, filled with wary hope and buzzing anticipation. "I've never used one."
Natsu loved when Gray looked that way, so excited and anxious at the same time. A new toy? A new kink altogether? He smiled slightly and asked, "What is it?"
"It's called a cat-o-nine-tails."
Natsu inhaled sharply. "I've heard of that. It's a pirate whip, right?"
"Sort of. A flogger."
"Does it hurt?"
Sadistic pleasure gleamed in those frosty eyes as he quietly promised, "Severely!"
Natsu felt a shiver run through him, and he had to steel himself. "Yeah. That! I want that. Can we do that now?"
"No, not here. I have a feeling this will be more than usual, and my neighbors really will complain. I want you to be able to do this without worrying about them or anything else. Just us." He kissed Natsu's forehead. "A hotel. We can do it there."
Natsu realized that was probably best. In a love hotel, he could be as loud as he wanted, and they could do more without neighbors pounding on the walls.
"Do you really want it now?" asked Gray.
Natsu nodded. "The sooner, the better. While I'm in the right mood, I want this over with. I … I can't keep drowning in the darkness." He cringed down, fearing that depth again. "Can … can I keep my pants on?" he asked timidly
Gray was surprised. Up until then, their sessions like this had always been with Natsu naked or wearing only undergarments of Gray's choosing, not clothed. Still, he understood the reservations Natsu likely had at making this even slightly sexualized.
"Sure. Just your back?"
"Yeah." Natsu frowned and looked aside. "I don't want to be … exposed."
"That's fine," Gray assured him. "We'll do this however you want."
Natsu smiled, although he looked guilty.
"Hey," Gray softly scolded, lifting Natsu's chin. "I don't want to have sex with you until you're better. I won't seduce you until then. I promise."
The smile this time was warmer, filled with gratitude and a twist to his eyebrows as Natsu realized how lucky he was to have Gray there to support him when he needed it. He leaned forward and rested his brow against Gray's forehead.
"Thank you," he whispered.
Gray leaned against him, nose to nose. "Anything for my beloved dragon."
Gray stroked his fingers through Natsu's hair and began to drift down to the back of his neck, but the Dragon Slayer jerked away. He was still wary about touches. Instead of frowning or complaining, Gray pulled back with an understanding smile.
"Get ready," he ordered, already taking charge. "We'll leave as soon as I gather a few things."
Natsu nodded in understanding and got off the couch to get on a coat and put his shoes back on. Gray walked into the bedroom, pulled out a travel bag, and opened his large chest of supplies. It was time to plan something special.
An hour later, Natsu walked into the hotel room with a blank expression. He knew what he was about to confront. That darkness was not something he particularly wanted to face, but he had to get it out of his heart. This was a way to do it.
He stood motionless as Gray set up the scene. He had brought fire-proof rope and every impact-play object he owned. Natsu mechanically pulled off his shirt, and slower came his scarf. The scarf was a comfort against the bad feelings of the darkness, but this was something he had to face without anywhere to run away.
Gray pulled out the collar, offering it silently, but Natsu shook his head. He was not a bitch today. He was not even a beloved. He was a broken man who needed to be repaired. He wanted nothing sexual on him. Just pain and the freedom it gave him.
They did not speak. Natsu sensed that Gray did not want to accidentally say something that could trigger him. Natsu simply had nothing worth saying. The silence between them dragged out until he heard Gray say softly, "Ice-Make: Hook." There was a flash on the ceiling, and Natsu looked as a glittering frozen hook took shape. Gray threw a length of rope over the hook, took both ends, and tugged hard, pulling himself off the ground. The hook was firmly set.
Gray's eyes met Natsu's, and without a word they knew it was time. Natsu walked over and held out his wrists. Solemnly, Gray wrapped the rope around and around. The Dragon Slayer hissed as he felt the cords press into his skin. Gray's knot work was tight and solid. A few clever twists, and Natsu's wrists were bound together.
Gray pulled one end of the rope, and Natsu's arms were hoisted up. He let them be pulled, his arms rising, his shoulders stretching, the muscles stiff as they were forced upward. He flinched as the rope began to tug, and all the coils of rope shifted, twisted, tightened, and dug in deeper than before. There was discomfort, but Gray's bondage never made Natsu feel pain. There was also a comforting sense that now he was trapped, he was being forced to face this darkness, and trying to escape from it once again was now impossible. He was tied up, helpless, no long in control, and Natsu liked that sensation. It put his doubts at ease.
Gray gave one tight tug, bringing Natsu onto his toes. He heard a grunt and saw the discomfort in Natsu's face. Delicious! Gray had to scold himself; this was not the time for that. He loosened the line and dropping Natsu back firmly onto his feet. Then he tied the end of the rope to the bedpost.
Natsu stood there, shirtless, arms stretch up, his chest heaving with each breath. Gray threw off his shirt and stood to the side, watching, waiting, seeing how Natsu would respond to this. He did not fight and did not seem to panic, so Gray walked to his supplies and pulled out the riding crop.
"For starters," he explained.
Natsu nodded in understanding. This was something they were both used to. Gray needed to build up his own confidence before using the new cat-o-nine-tails.
Gray walked around behind him, and Natsu looked out at the pastel color of the love hotel's wallpaper. He felt something brush over his clothed butt, instantly followed by a sharp sting. Natsu closed his eyes at the spike of pain and tightened his fingers.
Gray paused, listening and watching carefully. Natsu's breathing was faster, but he still seemed to be calm. Maybe not even calm. Empty? Perhaps just waiting for that moment when the darkness surged up.
Gray aimed and swung again. The sound of it whistled for a split second before smacking against the cotton pants. This time, he heard a soft grunt. His eyes narrowed, waiting, watching, trying to tell where Natsu was emotionally and mentally. Far away. He was not fully in the moment yet. Gray swung the riding crop again, violently hard this time, and Natsu cried out in shock. The pain bloomed and faded, leaving behind a deep warmth on his skin. Already, he felt his head clear a little, and some of the life came back into his eyes.
Natsu felt a stirring in his soul. Clothed as he was, the strikes were dull compared to normal. Still, that last one stung through the layers of underclothes and trousers. Then he felt the leather tongue of the crop lick up his spine, and he shivered at the feel.
"Back?" Gray asked curtly.
Natsu nodded. Smacks to his ass were nice, but this was not about pleasure. Today was purely therapeutic.
He felt the strike across his shoulders, and his face cringed up. Gray rarely aimed for anything besides his buttocks and thighs. Natsu almost forgot the sensation of pain in his shoulders and back. It was less erotic here. This was about his need for pain, a need to be pushed to the edge.
There were two more strikes, and then he heard Gray stepping aside. Natsu sank a little with the rest. Already, his arms felt cold from being suspended. The ropes seemed to get tighter and tighter as he stood there. They dug into his flesh. Natsu wondered if this would leave bruises, lines upon lines of red and purple marks on his arms. A part of him hoped so.
Gray was suddenly at his side, and Natsu saw a flogger just under a meter long, all braided cotton rope, with nine braids separating from a wood-lined handle, each strand with two knots, one around the middle, one at the end. Natsu looked at the pale rope. It did not look like it would hurt all too badly, but those knots were intimidating.
"This is what I'll be using," Gray whispered into his ear, sending a shiver through Natsu. "In the old days, this is how they punished bad boys like you. Forty lashes … with this."
"Forty?" breathed Natsu. That sounded like a lot, and in a way, not enough.
"We don't have to go that far."
Natsu wanted to protest. It was not that he feared it might be too much. He wondered if there really should be a limit at all.
"Safeword?"
"Yellow and red," Natsu hissed out in a raspy voice.
Gray put his hand on Natsu's shoulder and leaned into his face with seriousness. "I'll keep going if you need it, but you better tell me when to stop."
That was what he wanted! Natsu nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah."
"You better!"
"I know. I will."
Gray leaned back with a sigh. "Okay." He honestly had no clue how much this flogger would hurt, but he knew it was used historically to deliver intense corporeal pain to convicts.
The first lash was soft, a raindrop-patter of knots spreading out across his back, almost a massage rather than painful. Natsu wondered if the cotton cording was going to hurt a lot less than the leather crop and that wonderful paddle with the steel lumps that left bruises everywhere. There was another soft stroke, another pattering of knotted ropes spreading over his shoulder blades, but nothing painful. Natsu pouted in disappointment.
"Okay, I think I feel how it swings. Ready?"
The gloominess brightened instantly. So that was it! Gray was just getting used to this new toy.
And then it hit!
It was like nine riding crops together, and nine—no—eighteen tiny fists all punching at the same time. Natsu let out a gasp at the sensation. With hardly any wait, it struck again, nine rivers of burning heat flashing and then radiating outward. The third one landed lower, and Natsu felt the rope cords strike, wrap around, and the end knots jabbed on the side of his waist. As the flogger fell back, it almost felt like those knots were cat claws tearing away from his skin.
"Wait, yellow," Natsu called out.
"Sorry," Gray cringed. He had been warned that floggers tended to wrap and the dangers of striking certain places of the body. "What do you need?"
"No, just … very … different. My head isn't … I … I need to wrap my head around it first."
Gray waited, and he looked at Natsu's back and shoulders. Already, almost thirty stripes made pink lines over his skin. Gray reached out, and with a touch of his magic, he soothed the marks. Natsu instantly jolted and a cry shuddered out of his throat. The burning that had been easing away now stung with the little bit of icy magic.
"More," he rasped out.
"I'll go to ten, then see how you are."
Natsu nodded and tensed up his hands, trying to pump some blood back into the arms dangling up with the rope.
The lashes came, never truly intense, but each were nine bolts of molten pain, until his entire back tingled. Gray counted them all in a low voice. Eight, nine, ten. Natsu's back was on fire from pain, his arms were ice from being strung up above his head, and his legs quivered as he felt his mind beginning to slip into that space he needed if he wanted to face the darkness.
"More, Gray," Natsu whispered. "Need more."
Gray raised the flogger again and struck. He tried not to feel sexually aroused by this. He was doing it to help Natsu, nothing more. Still, he shifted his clothes as he felt tightness in his pants. Natsu's gasps and the fiery lines blooming over his back made Gray's heart race. How much more could he even stand?
At around twenty lashes, Natsu sank slightly, held up purely by the rope hooked on the ceiling.
"Gray," he whispered. "More. Harder. I need … it's … it's not enough."
"I'm holding back," he admitted. "If I do it too hard, it really could break your skin."
"Yes!" Natsu hissed, trembling at the thought. "Hard. I want it … I need it … to hurt. It's … so dark. It's still in me. That darkness won't go out." He straightened up and looked around his shoulder. His eyes were lined with tears, and his eyebrows sank. "Beat it out of me. Please. Please, Gray." His voice dropped to a whisper of disgust. "They were touching me. The feeling … their hands … it won't go away. Get rid of it. Make me hurt … until I can't remember how their hands felt. Only this. I only want to remember this. Even if it bleeds, just make it go away."
Gray chewed on his lower lip. He really did worry about the lashes. Natsu could end up with scars.
"Be a real sadist, Gray," Natsu urged. "I need it."
Something clicked on in Gray's head. He had been thinking like a lover helping his boyfriend, not like a sadist with his masochist.
"Where did they touch you most?"
Natsu gulped hard, shaking that he had to remember that moment. "M-My chest. Those girl boobs. They … to me … touching there." A tremble flowed through his whole body.
Gray nodded thoughtfully. "Turn around."
Natsu was slow, twisting with his hand still tight above his head. Like this, Gray could look right at Natsu's face. Their eyes met, one cold and calculating, the other trusting and hopeful. Gray's eyes hardened, and Natsu saw the change within him.
"They touched your chest?" Gray asked in a low, dire tone.
Natsu huffed at the inflection in his voice. Yes! This was what he needed. This dominating force! "They did. They touched me."
"You told them to, right?"
Natsu flinched. "To protect Lucy…"
"You told them to," Gray repeated coldly. He leaned in close. "Did you want that darkness to return? Do you maybe like dwelling there? You don't have to fight if you're submerged and drowning already. It's so easy to sink."
He raised his arm, and Natsu stared as the nine cords of the cat flicked behind Gray for a moment. Then it slashed down, and it was like a panther clawing at his chest.
"Gyaaaaaaaaah!" It hurt! So much worse!
"No one can touch you here," snarled Gray. He viciously swung again, and nine pink welts swelled up over Natsu's chest. "No one but me!" He swung the other way, and the lashes crisscrossed. Natsu choked on a shout and his teeth gritted hard. "Do you understand?"
"I … I didn't want—"
"You told them to!"
Natsu's teeth gnashed as fire burned in his eyes. "I didn't fucking want it! Lucy … you too … all of you…" His body sank against the strung up arms. "I didn't want you to go through what I did. I know the darkness. I know the nightmares. I hate it!" he seethed. "I hate feeling like that. I hate it so much, I won't let others feel it. Even if it's me suffering, at least they won't! You … won't."
"Damned masochist. Why won't you let me?"
Natsu jolted up in astonishment. "No!"
"Show me how dark it is, Natsu. Show me! If it's too dark, then it's all yours, and you can rescue me the next time we're attacked by perverts. If I can handle the darkness, though…" Gray caressed Natsu's flushed cheek and spoke softly. "You don't need to be the damn hero all the time. Especially not with me. Give up on the darkness," he urged. "Don't let it sink in. Vomit it all up. The past. Those men. That fear. All of it. Spew it out. Let me see how dark it is."
Gray raised the cat-o-nine-tails and swung it down again, aggressively this time. Natsu screamed, and the muscles of his chest convulsed. The knotted cords pounded into his flesh, and Gray saw the deep pink rising up.
"Show it to me!"
He lashed again, and Natsu let out a staccato sob. His head fell back; his eyes gazed up at the ceiling, pretending it was heaven.
"Gray. More," he gasped.
"I'll slice away their touches," Gray snarled. "You're mine alone!"
Natsu felt his mind slipping into another place. The world around him faded, and what was left was the tingling heat, burning on his skin, a fire he could never create on his own. He heard only the whistling of the flogger cutting through the air and the drumming thud of tails and knots hitting his flesh. Nothing else existed. Just him, this space, feeling this sensation. The realization that Gray was even there faded.
Just him. Just here. Just this.
He slipped further. The place was dark, and there was a depth to it that scared him. He felt like he could sink in here for eternity and never reach the bottom. Yet as the lash hit, bits of that darkness was torn away and light poured in.
He saw what lurked in this darkness. Crouched here, at the very bottom of the pit, was a child. Natsu looked at the boy, so young and so thin, starved and tortured. More darkness tore away, and he saw pink hair on the boy.
Pink splattered with red. The boy looked up, and his mouth and chin were dripping with blood.
"No," gasped Natsu.
Gray paused, but he saw the look in those eyes. Natsu had slipped into another space. He was facing his darkness. He needed Gray now more than ever.
"I don't want to scar your front," he decided, and he walked around to Natsu's back. "We'll continue here."
Already Natsu's back was a scratching post of claws, lines and a few swollen welts all across him. Gray had forgotten to keep count. He wondered if they were close to forty lashes yet. Maybe they were past that.
"Fight it, Natsu," he urged as he lifted the lash again.
As the darkness crumbled more, Natsu took a step forward. His foot landed in something wet, and he looked down. Blood! Puddles of it.
"What have you done?" he asked the boy in horror.
The child stood, and in his hands was a mutilated head, the neck ragged, the eyes gouged, the mouth opened with a swollen tongue. He held out the head toward Natsu and innocently replied, "He … popped."
Natsu convulsed on the rope. "Nooooo!" His head dropped as he tensed up. It looked like he wanted to curl into a fetal position and hide away, except he was still dangling from the ceiling.
"You can't escape it," Gray said, and he lashed again. "Face it! Fight it!"
Natsu began to sob. "No, I can't. I don't want to."
Gray paused, wondering how far he could push this. Natsu's back was a mess. Any more and Gray truly might start to break skin.
"Gray."
The word was so soft, he almost missed it. He leaned in to hear. Natsu was shivering, so far gone that he was not swallowing anymore, and saliva dripped out of his mouth, clinging to his lip and the point of his chin.
"Don't stop," he breathed, as if his words were coming through a pillow. "It's there. The thing I don't want to see. It's there."
Gray's brow tensed in concern. That deeper darkness! What was Natsu facing? Still, he could not leave him alone in this. If he wanted to help Natsu purge all of this, he had to stay strong as well.
Gray straightened back up. He aimed for a spot with less severe lines, snapped his wrist, flicked the flogger, and Natsu's whole body pulled at the lashing. Then another, another, and suddenly he saw something. One of the tails of the cat caught a swollen welt, and the skin split. Blood oozed out.
Natsu's response was instantaneous. He could smell it. Blood.
Blood!
Natsu stepped past the child holding the severed head. Every step was into pools of blood. There were other bodies, bloated lumps floating in the lake of blood. How many? Who were they? What happened? Natsu did not remember any of this.
However, as gruesome as this scene was, he had fixated on a door. His heart raced with every step drawing him closer.
He feared that door. A part of him screamed not to open it, and he heard his own voice coming from somewhere, shrieking. Then he heard a voice enter this space.
"Safeword, Natsu!"
Safeword. Red. Red like blood, like all the blood on the floor, on the child, on himself. He looked down at his feet. Blood. Ropes. Shattered glass vials. Red.
He could stop. Say the word, and it would all stop. This place would vanish. The blood, the dark, the door. Say red.
"Say it," he heard the little boy urge.
Natsu looked back at his younger self in horror. That gaunt figure, signs of starvation, blood on his mouth, a severed head in his hands. Red! So much red!
"Say it," the boy repeated more sternly.
It would all go away. But then, the red would remain. Red! The blood. It would still be here. It would always be here. He was in so deep, he could clear away this mess now, but not if he gave in to the blood.
"Not red!" he said, and he heard his voice shout the words somewhere else.
He reached toward the door, but he felt something yank his arm. He looked around and again saw the boy with eyes that had seen too much horror. He held back Natsu's elbow.
"You don't want to see it," the boy warned.
Natsu cringed as he realized that his past self had hidden this. At some point, he had locked it all away. It was there, behind this door.
"It's worse than you fear," the boy whispered. "Don't go in there. You don't want to see it."
You don't want to see it. He had said those words once. He saw it again for a moment, a memory he had forgotten. Makarov, Gildarts, and Porlyusica were there, as well as a blurry sense of others. Natsu was warning them against entering one room. 'You don't want to see it.' They had entered anyway, and his life changed in that moment. It all changed. Porlyusica had turned and vomited on the spot. Gildarts never looked at Natsu the same way again. Makarov never forgave him.
Nothing was ever the same again!
What was in this room?
Shaking his head in terror, he withdrew a step. Suddenly, here in this other space, he felt a sting, a whip to keep going forward. The flogging pushed him onward. Face it! Fight it! He was being forced to. The safeword was there, but he felt comfort knowing he was being pushed. The flogger was not just about pain and beating away the darkness. It physically reminded him to keep moving forward. He had to go. He had to! He reached out to the door again.
"Don't go in there," the boy urgently warned once more.
"I have to!"
Natsu ignored him, pushed on the door, and peered inside. Instantly, his eyes widened and his stomach twisted.
"Oh my God," he breathed in a horror so deep, he thought he might lose consciousness and faint on the stop. "No. Oh God, no. No!"
He wanted to slam this door shut again, lock it, throw away the key, forget it, forget all of it, pretend he never took this risk. He looked around, but there was no door, no child, nothing, only darkness and blood up to his ankles with those bloated bodies ominously floating around him.
Why had he not listened to the child? This room was sealed for a reason. It was too much. Way too much!
Blood! He could smell it. And he could smell more. His own blood. His!
His … blood!
Natsu suddenly vomited. Chunks of partially digested lunch spewed over the floor as his stomach heaved again and again. Gray dropped the flogger and hurried around to his front. He had to wait until Natsu stopped vomiting. As soon as he was left gasping for air, Gray picked up Natsu's face and peered into his eyes.
"Natsu!"
The deadness faded and light slowly returned.
"I think … that's all … I can take."
Gray rushed to the bedpost, untied the rope, and slowly lowered Natsu. The Dragon Slayer went limp, but he was soon supported by a cold yet inviting shoulder. Gray pulled him over to the bed and had him sit. He undid the ropes, and Natsu cried out as being released from the binding hurt more than being bound. The ropes left coils of redness on the arms, which Gray diligently rubbed out, massaging to bring blood back to the hands.
Once his arms were massaged, Gray laid Natsu face-down onto the bed. He brought along some antiseptic just in case he made a mistake and drew blood. Now he was glad for the precaution. Rather than an error due to his own lack of experience, he had purposefully pushed beyond anything he anticipated. He never thought they would go this far their first time. Now, his muscles shook from fatigue due to all that swinging and the adrenaline rush of hurting Natsu until he bled. He poured the antiseptic onto a cloth and wiped it over the lashes.
Natsu hissed from a stinging pain in his back. He still smelled blood, but only his own. He stared straight down into the muted light of the plush pillow, drained and exhausted from the experience. He said nothing as Gray wiped up the blood, tended the wounds, and slathered his back with something creamy.
"I should rub this on your front, too," Gray said softly.
Wearily, Natsu pushed himself up. He watched Gray rubbing the cream onto pink lines over his chest and stomach. He gazed Gray's steady face, his focused eyes, and his exacting movements. How did he get someone who would care so much about him?
"Where were you all my life?"
Gray looked up in shock. Saying something like that … it was the sort of thing lovers said, only Natsu did not say it with passion. He said it with anguish and deep appreciation.
Natsu fell against him and wrapped his arms around Gray. Awkwardly, one hand holding a soaked and slightly bloody towel and the other slathered in cream, Gray returned the hug.
"Are you fine now?"
Natsu shook his head. "Better, though. I know how deep it goes."
"What did you see?"
Natsu buried his head down and gritted his teeth. "Don't make me talk yet."
Gray kept quiet. This was a fragile time for Natsu, and he did not want to scar him more. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, Gray had to fully care for Natsu during this time when he was most vulnerable.
Natsu pulled back and nodded to show he was okay again. Gray set the wet cloth aside and continued to rub cream on the welts.
"Thirsty," Natsu whispered.
Gray got up, went to the hotel room's small space for drinks and a tiny refrigerator, and brought back a plastic cup of water.
"Only sips," he warned.
Natsu took it with both hands, but still the water in the cup trembled with his shaky grip. He took a sip, although he felt like he could have gulped the whole thing. He swished the water around his mouth to get rid of the taste of vomit, then drank a little more to ease the acid in his throat.
Gray pulled Natsu onto his side, helped him to lie down, and spooned into him, being careful not to press up against his back. He rubbed Natsu's arms to promote circulation and hopefully no lingering marks on his wrists. Slowly, his hands just rubbed, caressing, soothing out everything.
"Gray?"
He hummed.
"Am I pathetic? What I need, is it disgusting?"
Natsu sounded so depressed, it stunned Gray. Then he realized what this was. Sub-drop. He had read about this, an adrenaline and endorphin crash that could happen after particularly intense BDSM scenes. It left the submissive with a hormonal imbalance that mimicked depression. From what he read, it could happen even days after a scene, and it could last up to seventy-two hours, depending on the intensity of the initial hormonal rush and how well a dominant could ease the submissive out of the drop.
"You're strong, Natsu. You're incredible," he praised. "You knew what you were getting into, but you still faced it. I'm proud of you."
"I'm … not incredible. I'm horrible." Natsu curled up now and thought about what he had seen in that room. "I don't blame you for never saying you love me. I don't deserve it."
"Natsu!" Gray felt a deep stab of guilt, but he knew he could not take those words seriously, not when Natsu was out of his normal mental state. "You're wrong. You're the most beloved person in my life."
"I'm a killer," he whispered.
"That man deserved it."
Natsu stared ahead blankly. In barely a whisper, he said, "The others didn't."
Gray froze. Others? That deeper darkness! Oh God, if he had killed other people during that time of madness, no wonder he suppressed the memory. Ending the life of the man who tortured him was hard enough for Natsu to live with.
"You weren't in your right mind. It was not your fault, Natsu. No matter what happened back then, I forgive you. I'd always forgive you. I don't care about what you did in the past. I care about who you are now. You … you're the man I l- … who I…"
Shit! Shit, shit, shit! Gray felt he needed to say it. Natsu needed to hear it! Of all the times in their relation, now especially, Natsu needed to hear those words.
"…I adore. I admire. I care for with all my heart." Everything but that one word! Shit!
"Gray?"
He sighed in surrender. He couldn't fucking say it!
Natsu rolled around, but instead of looking depressed in the throes of sub-drop, he was smiling, probably realizing how Gray was trying so hard to fight demons as well.
"It's not over for me. I saw it, but … I can't fight it. Not yet. I'm not strong enough to face that darkness. Like you're not strong enough. And that's okay. We'll both get stronger together." He stroked Gray's cheek. "We'll both help each other."
He smiled in agreement, glad Natsu came to his senses just long enough to support him as well. Gray pulled him closer, smothering Natsu. The Dragon Slayer did not squirm away. They both needed this physical connection after such an intense scene.
"We need each other in order to get better." Gray petted Natsu's hair. "I'll be right here with you the whole way. As deep as you need to go, I'll send you there, and I'll pull you back up before you drown."
Natsu smiled and snuggled into his broad chest. "Like I said before."
"Huh?"
He chuckled and grinned up at the ice wizard. "Where were you all my life?"
Gray blushed and tucked his chin down. "Being an idiot and trying to ignore you, of course. Or kicking your ass."
"You've got that the other way around. I kicked your ass."
"You're still hallucinating. I'm the one who beat you."
"Only when I let you beat me," Natsu replied cheekily with just a little of that sensual playfulness back in his voice.
"Asshole," Gray chuckled, deeply relieved to see Natsu smiling again. "So, what's next?"
Natsu flopped down onto the pillows. "Sleep. I seriously need it. I'm dizzy and I want to sleep before the pain kicks in. This is gonna hurt like a bitch."
"I just hope it doesn't scar."
"I hope it does."
"You'd have a hell of a time explaining how you got flogged."
Natsu gave a light shrug. "I'm a troublemaker. I bet people are more surprised that Lucy or Erza haven't whipped me within an inch of my life already."
Gray chuckled softly and stroked along one of the pink marks striping Natsu's chest. "I'm glad they haven't. I got to do it first."
Natsu nuzzled down into him. "I like when you're my first."
Gray smiled warmly and watched until Natsu began to snore. It was easy to feel guilty, hurting the person he adored, pushing him into that darkness, yet he saw and heard some of the old Natsu just then. That made Gray relieved. Maybe he could not heal him in one day, maybe it would take both of them a long time to fully heal, and maybe it would never completely go away. Still, he liked being the one Natsu trusted to throw him over the edge and hoist him back up into the light.
"You can't hear me, can you?"
Natsu was snoring soundly asleep.
"I still can't say it if you can hear me, because that's a confession, and my brain says that will curse you. Stupid, I know, but I'm messed up that way. If I say it and you hear it, you'll die. No matter what I think otherwise, that one fear never goes away. Still, that's only if you hear me, if I confess directly. I know it in my heart," he smiled, feeling the burning love in his chest, "and you're not dead. I said it that one time when your ears were plugged, and you're fine. So … So I convinced myself, it's only if you actually hear the words. If you're sleeping, you can't hear me say it." He leaned over and kissed Natsu's hair. "You are the man I love."
Natsu kept on snoring away, blissfully unaware of the confession. Gray smiled in relief. It was scary even saying it this way, but it was getting easier. Slowly, he was taking steps to overcome the phobia of saying those three words.
"One day," he promised, combing through Natsu's hair. "You deserve to be told. You deserve all the love I can give you. When I'm at the point where I can say it, I'm going to tell you every day, so many times that it annoys you and disgusts everyone around us. I'll tell you before you fall asleep, and as soon as you wake up, and every time we kiss each other I'll say those three words. I'll tell you in front of the whole guild. I'll get on the speaker at the Grand Magic Games and announce it to all of Fiore. One day!" He rested his lips against Natsu's forehead. "One day, you'll hear me tell you … how much … I love you."
Facing the fear and saying it, even if he knew Natsu could not hear him, mentally drained Gray. His shoulders were sore from swinging the flogger, and his emotions had been pressed to their limits for too long. He was amazed how sleepy he also felt, dizzy and warm, especially with his Fire Dragon Slayer right next to him. He dropped his head onto the pillow, and he tried to keep watching Natsu sleep. Gradually, his eyelids sank. In a few minutes Gray was snoring right along with Natsu. Their breaths mingled as the two slept face to face.
Still sound asleep, Natsu mumbled, "Love … you … too."
End of Chapter 46
- 45
- 46
- 47
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Fight Me, Bite Me