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Fight Me, Bite Me	By : Rhov Category: +. to F > Fairy Tail Views: 39446 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 3
Disclaimer: Fairy Tail is the property of Hiro Mashima. I make no money, I just do this for my own pleasure.

Chapter List
- 48
- 49
- 50
Chapter 49

Public Collaring
Passion swirled in the room. Natsu writhed on Gray's bed, metal links of the handcuffs clanking against the headboard bars. He loved this feeling: restrained, captive, a chained beast who could not attack even if he wanted to. Hands slid over his skin, chilling his flesh, and nails bit in hard, spiking pleasure all through him.
"Gray…"
Slurps and hums came from below, and all Natsu could do was thrust his hips into those drenched lips.
"Nngh, Gray!"
A mouth left his cock and a body surged up over him. Frosty blue eyes gazed down, filled with desire. "I want you so badly, Natsu."
"Take me!" he moaned, burning with lust.
"Oh, I will! But first…" Gray grinned slyly. "I want you to shit all over my cock. Then I'm gonna use your shit as lube as I fuck up your dirty ass."
Natsu froze, stared hard, and suddenly drew back. "What?" he cried out. "No! Gray, we never agreed to something like that."
"It'd be sexy," he promised deviously.
"No! The Checklist of Fucking, remember? You asked, and I said no to that."
"Che!" Gray scoffed. "That list is so old. There's so much on there that we've done anyway." He rubbed Natsu's chest. "I really wanna try this."
"No," he said firmly. "Red to that idea, Gray. Red. No shitting."
Gray glared in frustration. "So inexperienced! Making me hold back."
That stung Natsu so much he felt like crying.

When he woke up from the erotic dream, rather than being aroused, he had tears on his face. He sat up in bed, wiped his wet cheeks, and looked out the window at clouds scurrying past the full moon.
"Gray," he whispered longingly.
He stood up, yanked on some clothes, and put his shoes on at the door. Happy yawned as the old door hinges squeaked in protest at opening so late at night.
"Natsu?" he asked sleepily.
"Just gonna watch the moon," he called back in softly. "I'll be right back."
"Aye," Happy mumbled, falling right back to sleep.
Natsu looked wistfully at him, hating to lie, although it was not really a lie. He did look up at the moon and used the stars to guide him in the right direction as he plunged into the forest.
In the house, Happy thought he heard an animal howling, but that was not too strange in these woods. He muttered about fish and kept on dreaming about Carla.

Natsu knew he was a mess.
He tried so hard to make up for the dark feelings inside. He tried to smile more, play with Happy more, be silly and friendly, less destructive and annoying. (Well, he tried.) He wanted to show Gray he still wanted to be a couple. Even if he could not be touched the same, even if trying sexual things triggered panic attacks—and he feared having those attacks now more than ever—he still wanted to show Gray that he cared.
He wanted to care. He really did! He loved Gray, but sometimes…
He wanted to keep Gray beside him, but then…
… he hated it, hated the fact that …
… having Gray too close terrified him!
He knew this was a losing battle. At home, he spent hours solemnly staring at shadows while Happy napped. He slipped into memories that were so real, he honestly thought he was back in that leaky shack. The smell of death and blood were so real.
Then he went into public and pretended he was not suffering. He grinned widely while at the guild. He laughed louder, constantly struggling to keep the flashbacks at bay. He pinched himself many times just walking down the street to buy groceries. The weather allowed him to wear that shirt with the long left sleeve, and he was glad, because Gray would question all the bruises on his left arm from pinching harder and harder as the flashbacks progressively got more real.
Whenever he could, he went on long walks in the forest. He lost count of how many trees he had utterly splintered in bursts of rage. He tried to hold back that hatred, but it kept slipping out. He could not show this ugly side of himself to Happy. If he slipped up at the guild, then Makarov would hear of it and guess the problem. Around Gray…
That was the worst part. Gray had seen some of his outbursts. He felt safe around Gray, he let down his guard, and those dark emotions could come out. Only, instead of working through it like in the past, Natsu desperately wanted to bottle it all away and pretend his life was not falling apart. So he acted even happier, wanted more fun, more romance, more moments with just the two of them to make up for those times he was weak. He could not talk about this yet, not to Gray nor to anyone. Sometimes he wanted to, and then he saw the blood, shiny red on his hands, so real, and he knew he could not open up that fresh wound yet.
There was no way he would put Gray's life in jeopardy.
Now, he sat in the forest, in the dell they had used when Gray was sick and they needed to slip away for some cautious sexual release. Months had passed, the smell was gone, the semen that once coated the fallen leaves had washed away long ago. Only the memory remained.
"I really thought I could just not do anything for a few days but … God, Natsu, I need you!"
"I know. I need you, too. Desperately! You've ruined me. Now, touch me already."
Back then, they went insane just after a few days without touching each other. Now, over two weeks had passed. Natsu did not dare ask, but he wondered if Gray was easing his needs on his own. He used to hate the idea that Gray would masturbate and not tell him so he could watch. Now, the desire to watch just was not there anymore.
"Have you been touching yourself?"
"Nnngh … only … ah! Only a little. I can't … nnngh … can't touch myself all the way. I just … can't do that."
"You've told me before. That just means you're built up more for me. Are you ready?"
"Yes. Please."
"Please what?"
"Please … kainushi."
"God, I love hearing you call me that. My beloved."
Tears ran down Natsu's face. He had not called Gray kainushi in so long. Even if Gray could ease his own needs alone, Natsu still could not. He had felt like he needed it lots of times, waking up aroused and in pain from erotic dreams. He could hold his cock, even rub a little, but just thinking about fully pleasuring himself made him want to vomit.
Especially now.
Especially after remembering everything.
"Fuck!" he screamed, punching the soil and leaving behind a deep imprint of his knuckles.
Natsu no longer knew what he even wanted anymore. Sometimes he wanted Gray to embrace him, caress him, pleasure him the same as before. He wanted to be tied up, utterly helpless, screaming, and have Gray force him, like when he strung him up by his hands. Then a memory would surge forth and terrify him. There was no way he could allow Gray to get that close.
No way!
He didn't trust himself.
He didn't deserve it anyway.
He didn't even deserve the happiness of having a boyfriend like Gray, let alone pleasure.
His lungs hitched as the tears fell. He wished he had never remembered. He wished it never even happened. So many times, he seriously considered asking Mest to erase his memories, all of them, but … that would not really help either. He had been a mess even before remembering the worst of it.
Now, he was beyond just a mental mess.
He was wrecked!
And he had no idea how to get over this.

Natsu had not slept much in two weeks, and it was starting to catch up with him. He felt dizzy and disoriented, almost like he was drunk without any of the good parts of alcohol. His head throbbed, but the inability to think straight also kept away the flashbacks. He could barely focus his eyes on the bowl of soup in front of him, let alone think about the past.
Mira walked over to him at the guild bar. "Natsu, are you getting sick?"
Gajeel boomed out a laugh. "I thought fools don't catch colds."
Natsu barely glared and did not feel like fighting. "Just tired. I didn't sleep well."
Beside him, Happy tisked. "You shouldn't go moon-gazing for so long that you can't stay awake."
"Oh?" Mira asked lightly. "Was the moon pretty last night?"
"It … yeah," Natsu said absently.
The white-haired bartender pouted. This was not like Natsu at all. "Go to the infirmary and lie down, just for a few minutes. I'm really worried. You don't look well at all."
Natsu would normally protest, but just then he smelled Gray approaching from somewhere outside. If Mira was worried that he looked sick, Gray would be far more concerned, and he did not want to trouble his boyfriend. Gray would guess why he could not sleep anymore. He would want to talk about it, and Natsu was in no condition to talk yet.
"Don't tell Gray," he requested. He realized he sounded desperate, so he blithely tried to laugh it off. "That idiot would only tease me."
Mira looked worried for him. "Are you and Gray doing okay?"
"We're fine!" He heard it come out much sharper than he had intended. "I just don't want him to worry, that's all. Please, Mira."
"I won't say anything," she promised, but she pouted as Natsu walked off toward the infirmary. She slipped over to the blue cat and leaned in close. "Happy, are you sure those two are okay?"
"Hmm? I think so," he guessed, putting a paw up to his mouth as he wondered about it. "They've been really lovey-dovey whenever I see them."
Mira still watched with worry as Natsu held onto a wall to balance himself before turning into the hallway that led to the infirmary.
"What is this bad feeling I have?" she wondered softly.
Just then, Gray walked into the guild. He saw Happy eating at the bar, saw Lucy and Levy pouring over some new book, saw the Raijinshuu were around which was surprising, but Erza was not there that day. Then he remembered, there had been a request that called away the odd team of Erza, Juvia, and Warren, something about saving a cargo ship from a water monster and reestablishing communication so the ship could navigate out of a reef.
He looked around, but there was no sign of Natsu. Gray looked down at the bag in his hand and felt slightly disappointed. He had really hoped they could do his plan today.
He kept the bag close to him and settled down at a table near the wall. Having that bag merely in his possession made his heart race. If anyone saw what was inside, he would be found out as a kinky bastard who liked BDSM. So as it seemed like there might be an impending fight between Freed and Gajeel—the Iron Dragon Slayer had insulted Laxus, according to Freed—Gray stayed where he was. Kinana brought him his usual drink, and he watched as Freed brandished his sword shouting about Laxus' honor.

Natsu twisted in his sleep, sweating and grimacing. He should have known sleeping was a bad idea, especially here in the guild. He never knew which nightmare he would have next, but all of them were terrifying, far worse than they used to be. He used to only dream of the past. Now, his nightmares blended with his present emotions, twisting his feelings, and torturing his heart.
This dream was new, but Natsu could already tell it was going to be bad.
"Come on, Natsu," Gray urged, holding out a ball gag. "I bought this just for you."
"Gray!" he shouted. "I wanted a date."
"This is much better than stupid dates."
Stupid? Natsu's heart pained to hear Gray calling their romantic times together stupid. "I said before, I don't want to be gagged. Gray…" His head dropped to the side. "I-in the past … that man—"
"Why do you always bring him up?" Gray scoffed. "It's like I'm sharing you with him."
Natsu gasped and looked up in tears. "That's not true," he sobbed.
"I'm trying, Natsu," Gray said in frustration, "but I hold myself back every time. Do you have any idea how many things I want to do, but I can't … because of you?"
Natsu felt a stab to the chest. "Gray…"
"So inexperienced!"
Natsu covered his ears. He hated this! He wanted Gray to love him for who he was, not for what he allowed him to do.
"I'm doing it anyway," Gray sneered.
Natsu gasped, but the ball was suddenly in his mouth. Gray yanked it on so forcefully, the corners of Natsu's mouth split. He could taste the blood and taste arousal in the blood.
"Mnaaah!" he tried to yell, but the gag made him unable to speak. Suddenly, ice bound his wrists behind him. "Haaaawp! Hawp it! Reh! Re-! Reeegh!" He kept screaming Red, but the word was gagged.
"You're going to obey me," Gray sneered.
Natsu choked on spit and blood. That man had said those words. Natsu shook his head. No! Not again!
"You'll come for me You won't be able to stop. Doesn't matter if you scream. I'll keep at it until you burst, until it all comes out, and I'll take every damn drop. You'll give me a lot, won't you … boy?"
Natsu shrieked. It wasn't even Gray anymore! Those hands, that voice…
"Are you crying again, boy? You know tears don't work on me. Scream if you want. Scream until your throat bleeds again. It didn't work last time, did it?"
It never worked. No amount of shouting had ever worked. Only actions!
"You're filthy! A disgusting little pimple, wanting to pop, needing the filth drained. I'm just going to pop you, boy. Just gonna get the cum out of you."
Only actions!
"You disgusting little pimple! Why won't you pop? Squeeze and squeeze, but you don't pop."
Actions!
Something was around his throat, and hands crushed his windpipe.
"What if I squeeze here, huh? Will the pimple pop then? Did you know that cutting off your air can give you an erection? Or it'll kill you. If you don't do what I say, you're no use to me anyway."
ACTIONS!
Natsu shattered the ice binding his wrists. He grabbed the throat in front of him. Gray's eyes went wide, but Natsu kept squeezing, wild and insane. He pulled, tugged, and saw Gray's eyes rolling back. He felt bones separating, and blood began to gush out of Gray's mouth.
More! Harder! He felt the ripping in his hands, and blood splattered as the head tore off.
Natsu held Gray's head in his hands and raised it aloft.
"Who's the popped pimple now, you fucking bastard?"
He laughed as blood gushed out and dripped from the ragged neck. He opened his mouth and let the blood pour down over his tongue.
Then he tasted it.
This was not that man.
This blood was Gray's blood.
He lowered his hands and saw the face frozen in pain, the black hair, the stormy eyes, and the scar over the brow.
"Gray?" he whispered. "Oh … oh God … n-no!"
His worst nightmare! Hurting Gray like he had done back then.
"No!"
Killing Gray, just like back then
"G-Gray! Gray, no!"
The blue eyes suddenly turned straight toward him, and Gray grinned with bloody lips.
"Was it fun, boy?" he asked. "Was it arousing?"
Natsu shrieked and threw the head. It smashed against a wall, and everything shattered, the room, the memory, everything, like a glass mirror. He was falling with shards of that leaky shack, plummeting into darkness. Then he saw Gray's ragged head falling along with him.
"I'm staying with you." The face morphed into the face of that man. "Forever, boy! You and me, forever! You will never experience pleasure without remembering me. Look up!"
Natsu raised his head and saw what appeared to be teeth slowly closing. He was already swallowed by the darkness, he just never realized it before. Now he was plummeting deeper, and the head falling with him laughed in mockery, sometimes that man's laugh, sometimes Gray's laugh, sometimes it was his own.
"Gray!" he screamed.
He had fallen so deep.
Could Gray pull him out?
"Why are you shouting for me?" asked the head that now looked like Gray. "You've pulled me into this with you."
"No!" Natsu yelled. "I never wanted you to be dragged with me."
"Maybe you should have thought of that first," the head shouted.
"Gray…"
"You're going to kill me someday."
"No," Natsu cried out in horror.
The head was suddenly that man again. "You're gonna kill him, you're gonna kill him!" he sang tauntingly.
"No! I wouldn't! Not him!"
"You're gonna kill him, like you killed me." The face smirked sadistically. "Like you killed her," it said slickly, "and all the others."
Natsu grabbed his hair and shook his head frantically. "No … I didn't … it wasn't me! That wasn't me!"
The head was right beside his ear and whispered in a hiss, "Murderer!"
"Nooooo!"

A hand slapped him across the face. "Natsu!"
He jolted out of the dream and looked up. It was still Gray, but all of him, alive and healthy. Rather than spiteful accusations, these eyes held concern.
"Gray?" he whispered, stunned to see him. Then Natsu leaped at him and threw his arms around tightly. "Gray!" he cried out, overwhelmed to see him there, real and alive.
"Whoa!" Gray exclaimed. Although he was almost knocked off his feet, feeling those burning arms again was nice. He hugged Natsu back and stroked down his hair. "Hey, are you all right?"
Natsu leaned back and smiled at his boyfriend. "I am now."
Gray loved that smile, but he saw Natsu still trying to emotionally pull himself back together. He sat on the infirmary bed beside his boyfriend and held his hands. "Bad dream?"
Natsu sniffled and realized he had tears on his face. "Yeah, you could say that."
Gray glanced over at the bag he had brought. "Maybe this is a bad time."
"No! Don't … don't go … please." He desperately wanted Gray to stay with him, to keep those nightmares away. If Gray was here, and real, then it meant that horrific dream was fake and he had not killed Gray. He would never kill Gray. Just thinking about it horrified him, and so he direly needed to keep Gray in his sight. "How'd you find me in here? I told Mira not to tell you."
Gray shrugged lightly. "She didn't. Happy said you were taking a nap and that you weren't home. There's a fight going on out there, and I figured you couldn't sleep through a fight like that, you'd jump right into it." He gave an apologetic shrug. "This was the only place I could figure."
Natsu looked aside. "Oh," he muttered. He supposed he had not told Happy not to mention anything. He had not wanted Gray to worry over him, but he was also happy to see him there.
Gray squeezed Natsu's hot hands and asked in concern, "Are you sleeping bad?"
Natsu considered telling him about the nightmares, but … how could he explain them? Those were things Gray would never do, and Natsu knew that rationally. They were deep fears, past trauma, all mixing together in his head. Softly, hoping to dismiss it all, he said merely, "It's nothing."
That answer! Without thinking, Gray shouted, "Stop saying it's nothing!"
Natsu jolted up. Had he been saying that a lot? He had been trying to get through this on his own, not wanting to worry Gray when this was purely his own personally battle. He looked aside with guilt. "Sorry," he muttered. "Yeah, I … I keep having nightmares."
He thought as much. "From that time?"
"Yeah," Natsu confessed, shivering slightly. "About that time and … just … fears." He knew Gray would never force him to do something he was vehemently against. He would never keep going if Natsu shouted Red. Safewords were sacred in a relationship like this, and they had to be followed.
Gray hesitantly draped an arm around Natsu, but the smaller man leaned into him immediately, so Gray hugged him protectively, kissing the top of his head.
"You can come to me, you know. That's how this all started, right?" Gray said lightly, squeezing him close. "You coming to me after having a nightmare."
Natsu smiled privately as he remembered that. "Yeah, I guess so." Part of his dream had been those same words from that nightmare. It felt like he was right back where he started. Nothing had improved. He was hopeless! He would never get out of this!
Gray still heard distance in his voice. "Natsu…" he whispered, wishing he could yank him out of the dark and show the whole world how brightly he shined.
"So why'd you come? I mean, I'm glad you're here," he assured quickly with a light laugh. "I needed someone to wake me up from that."
"Well, um…" Gray looked down at the bag resting at his feet. "I … uh … planned something, but … it's probably a bad time."
"What?" Natsu asked eagerly. "What'd you plan?"
Those large, curious eyes showed to Gray that Natsu had no clue what he wanted to do. This was not necessarily fun, nor romantic, or … he wasn't even sure what it was. Just something he thought could work. "W-well, it's … um…" He cringed and looked down at the bag again. Slowly, he began, "It might be a little kinky," then rushed out, "but it's not sexual! Okay? It's not…" Crap! He said that pretty loud. Softer, he assured. "It's not sexual."
Natsu arched an eyebrow. "Huh?" Kinky but not sexual? Was that possible?
Gray adjusted his seat on the infirmary bed, held Natsu's hands, and looked down at the roughened calluses on his skin. His thumb dragged over Natsu's knuckles, and finally he looked up into those deep green eyes.
"I know you're having problems," he said quietly, "and I really wanna help." He bit his lip and dropped his head. "And I have no idea how."
Natsu pouted and looked away. "I'm sorry…"
"No!" Gray shouted. He didn't mean it like that. He squeezed the hands tighter. "Natsu, we're in this together, right? And I'm gonna try to help … and I don't know know how, so … maybe it won't work." He placed a hand on Natsu's cheek, smiling at the warmth. He turned his head down to try and look into those pointed eyes. "I'd still like to try it," he said softly, tugging Natsu's chin and giving him a loving smile. "It's something I've been wanting to do for a long time."
Natsu's eyes shot up. It sounded too much like the dreams, Gray wanting to try something new. He did not want to act weak and timid, so he gulped hard and asked, "What is it?"
Gray grinned to see him at least interested in a kink. That was good. His heart began to pound as he reached down to the bag. "I brought this."
He pulled it up and set it on the bed. Natsu looked at it, then to Gray, who waved with eagerness for him to check it out. Natsu opened the bag, and inside he saw white leather with pink satin lining. He looked up sharply, slightly horrified to see that particular item outside of the bedroom.
"You want me … t-to wear the collar?"
"Just that much. Nothing else," Gray assured him.
Natsu's mind swirled. Wearing it … in public! This was more than just a minor thing. This was potentially dangerous. Just having that item, a collar with his name on it, and BITCH written across it, was a risk. And Gray … he wanted Natsu to wear it. Here! In the guild!
"I … I don't know, Gray."
Gray felt a crash of disappointment, but he also knew this was the most likely scenario. "It's a bad time, right?" He grabbed the bag, closed it, and began to stand up, feeling like an asshole for even suggesting it. "I'm sorry."
"No!" Natsu grabbed his arm and yanked it sohard, Gray was forced back to the bed. "Don't go. Don't…" He did not want Gray to leave him. After that horrible dream, he wanted to make it up to Gray. He had lashed out violently, killed dream-Gray, and although it was just a nightmare, he still felt like he deserved to at least give Gray a chance. Natsu firmed himself, raised his head solidly, and asked, "What else do you want me to do?"
Gray heard the faintness and terror in his voice. He set the bag down and rubbed Natsu's arm. "Don't force yourself."
He did feel forced, but he still thought Gray deserved this. "I … I don't know if I'm gonna have a problem with it or not. And like you said, this…" It was not really sexual. It was just a collar, something around his neck. There was nothing overtly sexual about it at all. "I'm just wearing it, right? You're not gonna … gonna try touching me?"
"No," he said, only holding his hand to show he would refrain from anything remotely sexual. "I figured out that's a problem, right?"
"Yeah … yeah it is," Natsu said, dropping his eyes sadly. Anything at all that reminded him of that man made him remember horrible details, things he did … things that terrified him.
Gray tipped his chin up and smiled. "So I won't do that," he said with understanding.
Natsu's eyes lined with tears. He knew how addicted to sex Gray had been not all that long ago, hardly able to go a few days without desperately needing Natsu, chancing sickness in the heat of lust. Now he looked so patient and considerate, Natsu realized just how far Gray had come.
Despite that improvement, Gray's brow tensed with lascivious cravings as he saw the blush in Natsu's cheeks. He might understand that his boyfriend needed time without intimacy, but that did not stop other desires and selfish needs.
"I just need to know you're still mine," he said in anguish, wishing his heart was stronger. The hand on Natsu's cheek rubbed down under the scarf. "I can't put a mark on you," he said, looking at that neck marked only by the old jagged scar, "and I don't want to hurt you … or scare you," he added worriedly. Those were his fears, that he would do something foolish and chase Natsu away during such a fragile time. The last thing he wanted was to drive Natsu further away. He grabbed the back of Natsu's scalp, as if fearing he really would drift away from him. "So just this much, please. I just need to be able to look at you and know … you're mine! You're my bitch…" He caressed his hand through the pink hair. "My beloved."
Hearing Gray call him that always melting Natsu's heart. It made him want to do anything, anything at all, to please Gray. He glanced down at the bag again. He knew Gray meant him no harm. Those dreams were silly. Gray loved him. He honored Natsu's limits. He would always honor him.
"We … talked about doing it," he recalled wary. The first day Gray gave him that collar, he mentioned that it was white and pink to blend in with the scarf and his hair. Gray had it designed this way specifically so they could wear it in public some day.
"You said you'd be okay," Gray reminded, smiling as he also remembered going to the sex shop and having this collar specially designed, dreaming of this day.
"Yeah," Natsu whispered. "We talked about it."
Unlike those nightmares where Gray urged things they had agreed not to do, this was something they had talked about. They both wanted to try it some day. It was just a collar. It was not sexual. It was Gray's way of marking him, claiming him, without hurting him at all. Knowing Gray still wanted him despite his problems, and wanted to claim him publicly as well, made Natsu's cheeks flush. He looked up with nervous anticipation.
"I'll try it!"
"Good," Gray sighed in relief. He was fully ready not to do this, but if Natsu was up to it … damn, this would give him fantasies to jerk off to for weeks to come, if it took that long. Natsu's bashful face, wearing his collar, doing this out in public, everyone seeing it yet not seeing it … he felt his heart racing and a tingle in his groin just thinking about it.
"S-so … um…?" Natsu asked, nervous and trembling.
Gray jolted out of his fantasies. It was time to make this a reality. "Okay, take this off," he said, tugging the scarf.
Slowly, feeling more exposed than removing his pants, Natsu unwrapped the muffler and set it aside neatly. He began to reach for the bag, but Gray pulled it back.
"Let me wrap it around you," he said, his voice frosty with authority.
Natsu felt that same shivering thrill as the first time Gray had placed his claim on him with the collar. As Gray pulled it out, such a kinky thing right here in the guild, Natsu's heart sped up, and the blood rushing through his ears deafened him to the brawling in the main hall. It felt like it was just the two of them, and this was more private than a love hotel.
He looked up into Gray's eyes as he brought the collar over. Bringing something like this into public must have taken a lot of courage for Gray. It showed just how much he wanted this, and that firmed up Natsu's resolve to obey. He wanted to be Gray's. Not just his bitch or beloved, but his everything! More dating obviously was not enough, so if this fulfilled Gray's needs for dominance, Natsu wanted to do his part in this relationship.
Gray moved slowly. His ears were keen for any noise at all that might hint that someone was approaching. He hoped Natsu was sniffing out people as well, but he looked like he had already slipped away into sub-space. Gray had missed the way those eyes looked when they surrendered to his will. He knew he was getting erect just by being in this role once again.
Natsu was his dragon, and he was the pet owner … the kainushi.
He wanted to hear that name, but he feared asking too much. Natsu was in such a fragile emotional state, but he hoped this would help. It would show him that kinks did not have to involve genitalia at all. BDSM could be completely nonsexual as well. If that was Natsu's need, Gray wanted to adjust. So long as Natsu was his, so long as this warmth in his heart did not die out, he would give up everything else.
He just needed to know Natsu was still his. He lacked confidence, much to his shame, and so this was one way to reassure himself.
His collar! His symbol of ownership over Natsu!
As he wrapped it around Natsu's neck, he felt confidence returning. Natsu was allowing this out of love. Gray knew far too well, simply dating did not necessarily mean you loved someone. He had dated girls just for fun, or for the sex, or to pacify them if they were too persistent. In his experience, just going out together did not prove anything.
He needed to prove his own feelings, and to receive proof of Natsu's love. He knew dates just weren't enough for him. But this! BDSM took explicit trust in one another. It took deep caring and working together in harmony. When done as a couple, it was an intense expression of love, having Natsu surrender everything to him, and caring for Natsu in every way.
His eyes softened as he threaded the collar through the buckle. This was his way of telling Natsu how much he loved him. He could not say it yet, but in moments like this, he could show it.
"There you go," he said gently, and locked the bolt in place with the tiny key. He tucked the key into his back pocket and gazed at him. Beautiful! Natsu was nervous and blushing, and in the light pouring in from the infirmary windows, he looked angelic to Gray. However, he gave a light moan, and Gray felt a spike of worry. "Is it okay?"
"Yeah," he answered nervously. Natsu stretched his head around, feeling the restriction of the collar, and gulped nervously. His adam's apple hit the soft lining, and that feel made Natsu shiver. He was Gray's once more. His bitch.
"Not too tight?" Gray asked sharply.
"No."
Gray ran a finger under the collar just to make sure there was room. Natsu's face burned brighter at feeling the cold finger against his flushed skin.
"I definitely don't want it too tight this time," Gray said, and pulled his hand back with satisfaction. "Just enough so I know it's there."
Natsu felt himself slip fully into his role. Gray had barely touched him, and already he felt the familiar tingle through his whole body. He smelled something, glanced down, and saw Gray straining against his trousers. Although his clothes hid it better, Natsu knew he was half-hard as well. This was thrilling and arousing, and it did not involve touching at all.
His eyes glanced up timidly. "Can I call you that again?"
"Anytime," Gray sighed, happy to hear it.
Natsu gulped, nervous to say it in public, but the word had already dominated his brain. "Kainushi."
On a happy impulse, Gray snatched up Natsu's hand and clung to it. "My beloved."
He was back! After weeks of feeling like Natsu was drifting further and further from him, he was finally back, his eyes were here in the present and not lost in the past. The relief nearly brought tears to Gray's eyes.
"Gray…" Fears of the past melted away, and now Natsu wanted to drift on this feeling of being fully immersed in Gray's feelings. "Can you kiss me?"
Gray felt his own cheeks heat up now, so happy to see Natsu like this again. "Let's put your scarf on first."
Scarf? "Oh, yeah!"
"Don't want anyone to walk in and see this."
That was right! They were still in public, and anyone could enter the infirmary. Natsu grabbed the muffler and wrapped it around his neck. It felt awkward, though. He was so used to feeling the fabric against his throat, but now it was that satin lining instead, and the muffler did not lay the same way.
Gray helped him, adjusting the folds of the fabric. "There you go! Keep it tucked up," he advised, tugging the inner wrap a little higher just to make sure the leather was hidden. He pulled back and examined it. "There!" he said in satisfaction. He tugged the white material just a little more. "Looks a little thicker, but it's hidden from view. I don't think anyone will notice."
"What if they do?"
"If they do…" Everyone would know! When he first bought this, people thought Natsu had a girlfriend, and Gray teased that Natsu could blame it on her. Now, their relationship was well-known, and their secret would be out. People would know they were into BDSM. "Well, that's a chance we take," he shrugged.
Natsu looked concerned, remembering how vehement Gray used to be against people discovering anything at all about his kinky side. "You're okay with it?" he asked, wondering if Gray was pushing his own limits this time.
Yes, he feared what others would think, how they would tease him, what they would think of him and of Natsu. Still! He felt Natsu's face, stroked into his pink hair, and slowly leaned in closer. Natsu saw, and by instinct his mouth loosened in anticipation.
With his lips fluttering over Natsu's waiting mouth, Gray whispered, "I want this."
He kissed him, but one was not enough. Immediately, Gray leaned in again, a little firmer this time. Then Natsu's lips caught his bottom lip and gave it a slight tug. Gray's fingers clutched into the pink hair, and his other hand wrapped around, pulling Natsu closer. Natsu grabbed at him—wait, when the hell did Gray lose his shirt—and he dug his fingers into the bare skin.
Gray followed those pulling hands as Natsu tugged him down onto the infirmary bed. They rolled slightly, and Gray felt the legs under him spreading, making way for him. Gray slid up between those thighs and caged his dragon in with his arms.
"Mmh … Natsu."
His hands coursed up Natsu's body, up over his collared neck, and into his hair, grabbing the pink strands with a little bit of roughness. He felt the body under him moving, very light thrusts, not much, just instinctive needs. Still, he let his groin press slightly against Natsu's, let their hips roll against one another, and he felt the shudder through that burning body.
Damn, he wanted him! Right here! Right now!
And he knew that was a horrible idea in so many ways.
Gray pulled up and breathed hard as he looked down at Natsu's swollen lips and moist eyes. Had he been crying? Gray smiled plaintively at seeing that. This really must be torture on Natsu. At least Gray could jerk off in the shower and ease his body. Natsu had said more than once that his issues made masturbation impossible.
Gray took the edge of the muffler and dabbed away those tears. More than ever, he wanted to heal Natsu from this darkness so he never cried like this again.
After his face was dry, Gray stayed right where he was, lying on top of Natsu's body, one hand to prop him up, the other hand lightly caressing Natsu's cheek. If someone walked in, fuck them! This much was okay for others to see. They were just staring and caressing now. Gray no longer cared if anyone saw this. He just wanted to stay in this moment with Natsu and feel the warmth radiating up from his body.
Natsu looked up when he realized Gray was not kissing anymore.
"Gray?"
"Yeah," he said softly, letting his fingers drift over the crimson cheeks. "Just admiring you."
Natsu jolted in shock, then immediately looked away with embarrassment. Admiring him? Sheesh, this snowman!
Gray laughed softly at that reaction. He rolled off and right up onto his feet. He yanked his shirt back on while Natsu straightened out his rumpled clothes. They both fiddled with the muffler to get it back into place. Satisfied, Gray nodded.
"Ready?"
Natsu took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I think so."
"Stay by me," he warned, knowing Natsu must be nervous wearing that collar.
"Mmh-hm!" Natsu nodded, happy to stand close to him as they walked over to the infirmary room doors. "C-can we…?" He let his fingers drift near Gray's knuckles, and was stunned when those cold hands immediately grabbed him.
"We can hold hands," Gray agreed, squeezing his fingers. "We can do anything." He bopped Natsu on the nose and playfully added, "Just for today."
"Thanks," he muttered, blushing in happiness, "but just hands are okay. It's just scary."
"Yeah, I'm nervous, too," Gray admitted, feeling his heart racing. Still, the thrill was incredible, and he could hardly contain a grin of excitement as he looked down at Natsu and said, "Let's do it!"
"Okay," he agreed in breathlessness, squeezing Gray's hand tighter as the door was opened.
They left and walked through the guild halls. A noise of panting and laughter with occasional crashes told them the brawl was still going on. Sure enough, when they turned a corner and came to the main hall, Elfman was fighting Bickslow, Max had been turned to stone by Evergreen but not after someone first ramming a broom up his ass, Loke was in a rather playful fight with both Romeo and Wendy and looked quite windblown yet still grinning to see the strength in the two children, Mira had apparently gotten mad at Macao who now trembled on his hands and knees before her Satan Soul form, Laxus looked bored and was randomly zapping people with bolts of lightning from his fingertip, and Gajeel was suspended from the rafters in a tiny cage of runes with Freed looking smug and ignoring Levy's pleads to let him down.
Natsu laughed at seeing the chaos. "There is a fight going on," he said in excitement.
"Yep," Gray said, eying the start of the whole thing, Freed's offense at some comment made against Laxus, "and Gajeel totally lost."
Natsu chuckled as he looked up at the Iron Dragon Slayer in the boxed runes and looking sick like he was on transportation due to Freed's Dark Écriture. "Yeah, but he looks good that way." Then he shouted over, "Good job, Freed!"
The green-haired swordsman glanced over at the surprising compliment. "Thank you," he said curtly, yet a small smirk of pride raised onto his lips.
Gray liked seeing Natsu being boisterous like this; however, he felt a painful clench to his hand and Natsu began to breathe hard.
"Oh, that was scary!" the Dragon Slayer whispered.
"What?" Gray asked, trying to be observant for Natsu's sake.
"He looked right at me."
Natsu knew that it was silly, but Freed's smirk scared him for just a moment. He reached up and felt the scarf. It was still high, but what if it slipped? What if people saw? What if simply the bulkiness around his neck was suspicious? Then he saw the shine of eyes through a dark visor, and Natsu lost his breath.
"What?" Gray asked, even more concerned.
Natsu kept a hand to his neck to make sure the muffler was up. He whispered urgently, "Bickslow's looking right at me, too."
Gray glanced over, but Bickslow looked the same as ever with his tongue lolling out. "I think they're just looking at us. We're holding hands."
Natsu squeezed Gray's hand a little tighter. "Yeah, but … but he has those eyes."
"He can see your soul, he can't see under your clothes … or I sure as hell hope he can't," Gray added, glaring slightly at the Raijinshuu member.
Natsu's hearing went suddenly acute. Everywhere were noises. He looked left, right, around, hearing sounds everywhere, catching bits of conversation and wondering if any were about him. He did not even notice Wendy leave the fight with Loke and skip over to the two of them.
"Hey, Natsu!" she greeted cheerful.
He let out a yelp and jumped back, then immediately put his hand up to the muffler again to see if it shifted. "Ah! H-h-hi! Hi." He could barely get just that one word out. His throat felt like it was being squeezed by the collar now.
Wendy glanced up at him in concern. "Are you okay?" She had heard from Happy about Natsu sleeping bad, and he really did look tired and skittish.
"Yeah!" he blurted out, but he knew he must look terrified.
Gray tried to think of a way out of this before Natsu became overwhelmed. He suddenly grinned and roughly patted Natsu on the back. "He just woke up from a bad dream. Come on, over here." He pulled on Natsu's hand.
Natsu huffed in disdain. "You didn't have to tell her that," he snapped.
Gray yanked him over to a booth against the wall far away from the others. Then he whispered in worry, "You're acting all freaked out."
"Well, I'm sorry! It's…"
Suddenly, his voice was gone. Natsu grabbed at his throat, not in fear of the muffler slipping, but from an increasing feeling of tightness.
"Natsu?"
"I'm okay!" he practically shouted. "I'm j-…" His throat clenched again. Natsu closed his eyes, breathing heavily but slowly. "I'm okay," he whispered, trying to convince himself.
Natsu struggled to keep calm, but he heard everything, shouts, breaking furniture, gasping breaths, even beating hearts. He smelled spilled beer and beef stew and walnuts someone had been snacking on. He smelled Gray's shampoo and Lucy's perfume and the lingering scent of a cigar Laxus must have smoked earlier in the day. The hyper-awareness that came with BDSM was now affecting him here, in public.
Gray saw something was seriously wrong. Although Natsu was trying his hardest to keep calm, even this much was suspicious. If someone happened to look over at them, they would see Natsu meditating hard just to breathe normally.
"Maybe we should get out of here," he decided, shifting away from the table, hoping they could get out of the guild without suspicion.
Natsu tried again to assure he was okay, but suddenly he felt overwhelmed. The sounds, the smells, the feel of pink satin, the dry taste of his own mouth, and seeing faces, eyes, imagining them all looking at him, all judging him.
Pervert!
He could almost hear it in their thoughts, like Cobra. But then a different whisper hissed right into his ear.
Murderer!
The collar around his neck felt like hands. His hands! Natsu's own fingers clenched, ready to strangle someone back. It was the feeling he got too often with Gray, those moments when he knew he needed to be restrained, only now … now they were in the middle of the guild. Gray could not bind his hands here. Natsu grabbed his knees instead, struggling to hold back.
"Natsu?" Gray asked sharper, leaning over and trying to look at his face.
"I'm o-…" Nope! "I'm not okay," he whispered in a raspy breathlessness, so soft that Gray had to lean in right against his mouth to hear him over the noise. Natsu clenched his teeth and growled out, "Gray, I'm not okay."
Gray sat up and looked around. This was bad! Natsu was panicking and they were in the middle of the guild. No one had noticed yet, but there was no way he could remove the collar without people seeing it. Maybe they could escape to the bathrooms. He yanked Natsu onto his feet, but the Dragon Slayer was already shaking with rigid tension in his muscles.
"Let's go," Gray said urgently, hoping that if they could make it to the bathroom, they could work through this without attention.
Natsu managed three steps before the feeling conquered him. He collapsed to the ground and clawed into the wooden boards.
"Guuuh!" he choked, ready to throw up.
Gray dropped to his knees instantly and grabbed around him. "Natsu!" he screamed, and his shout brought over the attention of the guild.
Images were flashing through Natsu's head too quickly now. What was real? What was the past? His fingers dug into the floorboards until they bled.
Blood! His blood! His…!
"Gr- … re-…"
Gray was shielding Natsu with his own body now and leaned in to hear. "What?"
"Reh…" Natsu choked on an acidic shot of bile. "Red," he managed to say clearer, yet trying to keep his voice soft enough so no one else could hear. "Red, red, red!" Tears fell from his eyes. Here, of all places! He sobbed and begged weakly for it all to stop in the only way he knew how. "Red."
Gray heard the desperation and gasped in horror. "Shit," he whispered. Not here! Not now! But if this was Red, he had to do something. He had to end this, damn the consequences. His fear of being discovered as a sadist were unimportant in the face of Natsu calling out that safeword so desperately. He reached into his back pocket for the key. Not there. He checked the other pocket, but people were already gathering around.
"Natsu?" Wendy asked, worried if maybe he really was sick.
Lucy saw the problem and rushed over. "Natsu, are you okay?"
Gray finally found the key, but his hands were shaking so badly in terror, he dropped it. He grabbed it back up, but just then Natsu's hand grabbed his wrist in a crushing hold.
"Get them away," Natsu warned, and Gray heard something dangerous in his voice. "Quick! Get them…" He released Gray's wrist and pulled himself in tighter, coiling and shaking as if a beast was threatening to burst out.
Fuck this! Gray dropped the key, grabbed Natsu into his arms, and bolted for the door.
"Sorry guys!" he yelled back, and he did not stop running. He took side streets, he raced through alleys, avoiding crowds, until finally he ran out into the forest. He kept running, fleeing everything, desperate to get Natsu to some safe place, and he felt the safest for Natsu's mental state was his own home. That was where he would feel most at ease, and where they could overcome this tragedy together.
He reached the little house in the woods and kicked the door open.
"All right," he panted, completely out of breath. Now that the fear was over, he felt the ache in his arms. "God, you're heavy!"
He went to Natsu's bed and placed him down onto the mattress, quickly wrapping him in blankets to increase the feeling of being safe. Gray was still panting hard, not just from the run, but in dread of what he just made Natsu go through.
"Holy shit," he whispered as tears came to his eyes. It was not supposed to be this way! Never! "Shit!"
Gray felt furious at himself for thinking this might help. So stupid! Trying a collar in public should have been something they eased into, wearing it outside at night first, with few people around, slowly building up to more and more. Not wearing it in the middle of the goddamn guild in broad daylight! Stupid! He felt like punching himself for making such a massive mistake. He made Natsu suffer, and that was the last thing Gray wanted.
"I'm so sorry." He still breathed raggedly and clenched his fists in guilt. "Natsu, I'm sorry." With sobs choking between exhausted breaths, he dropped his head over Natsu's wrapped-up body, resting on his legs as tears jolted out. He made Natsu suffer! After all the mental torment Natsu was going through on his own, he just made things worse. No words expressed his guilt in that moment. "I'm sorry," he whispered, not knowing what else he could possibly say for making such a horrible mistake.
Natsu smelled the familiarity of home. He felt the comfort of his own bed and the warmth of his own blankets. He heard the annoying birds who had been waking him up every morning for weeks. He saw the spiderweb up in the rafters that he had not cleaned yet. These were all familiar, and they brought him out of the past.
This was his house. This was Magnolia. He was home.
With that familiarity, the visions melted. He still felt the collar around his neck, but it was just satin and leather, not the hands of that man. He heard snuffles and looked down to see Gray draped over his legs. Still, Natsu's mind was spinning. The guild had seen him at his worst. He did all that … suffered that … for Gray … and it all broke down so horribly.
"Gray?"
"I didn't…" He didn't mean for it to happen! He didn't want Natsu to hurt more! He didn't want to make things worse. "I tried to get you out of there. I'm sorry."
Natsu stared up at the empty spiderweb gathering a silver layer of dust. That spider must have spent a long time spinning that web, but when it did not get the flies it wanted, it had abandoned the web, left it there, pretty but useless now.
Useless. It wasn't what the spider had wanted, and so it simply moved on.
"Gray, do you hate romance?"
Gray raised up and wiped his eyes. "Do I what?"
Worn out eyes glanced over with a pinch between the brow. "Do you hate going on all these dates … with me?"
"Of course I don't!" Gray cried out, stung to hear that sort of accusative question. "Natsu, w- … where's this coming from?"
Natsu slowly sat up, pushed aside the comforting blankets, and pulled off the scarf to show the collar. "You like to do … this type of stuff instead, right?" he stated with bitterness in his voice as he touched the white leather. He sneered just a little as he pointed out, "You're more comfortable having me wear your collar in public … than holding my hand in public."
Gray drew back at the anger simmering in those green eyes. Shit! Natsu wasn't just freaked out. He was furious, and Gray knew he had every right to be. He seriously messed up. He put Natsu in that situation, and he had not been able to get out of it before it all collapsed, before Natsu had to use a safeword. It really was his fault.
And … he had a point. Gray had been excited at the idea of having Natsu wear his collar, yet he still felt awkward simply holding hands while in town. He felt more comfortable with kinks than with romance.
Dammit, but Natsu was right. And he was mad. And he had every right to be furious.
"Natsu, I—"
Before he could speak, all the anger lashed out.
"Why can't we have a simple, romantic day together?" Natsu yelled. "You keep pushing our limits, always pushing." Tears gathered in his eyes. "Don't you think that maybe I'm not ready for this stuff? It's like … like you're purposely trying to make me have a breakdown. Do you like seeing me like this?" he asked in scathing rage. "Is it arousing to you, makes you feel all dominant and shit, having me a fucked up mental mess that you can clean up?"
"Wha- …" Gray gasped in shock and outrage that Natsu would even think such a thing. "Of course not! I'd never do something like that on purpose. Dammit, Natsu, I hold myself back every time purposely so I don't do something that could trigger you."
Natsu suddenly slapped his hands over his ears and screamed as those same words from his nightmare echoed in his head: 'I hold myself back every time.'
Gray watched with quiet worry. What the hell was happening? Why was he screaming?
"Natsu?"
His arm swung out, hitting the lamp beside his bed and shattering it. "I'm so fucking sorry," he yelled sarcastically. "I'm holding you back. I'm such a fucked up mess. Seriously, why do you bother?" he spat out acridly. "You're supposed to be the sadist here, but you keep torturing and depriving yourself by having me around."
"Natsu!" Gray cried out, terrified by what he was saying.
Natsu ripped the collar off, breaking the lock and the buckle, and threw it at Gray in anger. "Keep your goddamn kinks to yourself! I don't want them anymore."
Natsu leaped out of bed and bolted for the door. Gray began to follow, chasing him in desperation.
No! He really was leaving now. Not just drifting away like before, but fleeing! Gray felt a desperate urge to grab him, pin him down, cage him…
However, Natsu fled out the house and ran off into the woods. Gray stopped the chase. What was the point? Natsu once told him, dragons are noble and intelligent. You treat a dragon with respect. A person didn't cage a dragon. They were free creatures, and when they flew off, you had to let them go.
Gray stood in the silent, empty house, too stunned to move. A part of him screamed to keep running after Natsu, chase him down, hug him, smother him, and never let him run away. Another part of him wondered if this was it.
Was this how it all ended?
He stumbled blankly back to the bedroom and looked at the broken collar lying at his feet. Slowly, Gray bent over and picked it up. He had designed this collar especially for Natsu. It even had his name on it. Gray traced him thumb over the name: ナツ. Then he looked on the other side of the white collar. ビッチ, bitch.
He remembered when he designed it, he was only thinking about humiliating Natsu with this collar. At that time, he never thought he would call Natsu his beloved instead. This collar was also a symbol of how much he had underestimated Natsu's romantic feelings, and how much he had not expected to fall for him.
Not like this. Not so deeply it terrified him.
His fist clenched around the leather band, and Gray shook his head. He feared the love he felt, and he kept pushing them into more kinks to escape that fear. That was not fair to Natsu. As their relationship deepened, Natsu wanted more and more romantic moments, not kinks.
Yet for Gray, romance was not enough. Natsu was right. He preferred this to romance.
And now … he lost the key to Natsu's collar, to the thing that he thought was a symbol of their bond. It was just a collar, just leather, satin, and a buckle. The lock was broken, the buckle snapped, he lost the key … this collar was useless. It was just a thing, whereas Natsu … Natsu was everything to him.
He had placed his needs above Natsu's, and now…
The house was so cold when Natsu was gone.
Gray grabbed the collar and ran out the door. He wanted to put this thing back where it belonged, with the kinky supplies that got him into so much trouble. He did not even care if people in town saw him with it. The frosty aura that crackled angrily around him kept anyone from staring too closely at what was clutched in his hand.
He reached his apartment and slammed the door shut behind him. He stomped into his bedroom, opened the chest of kink supplies, and angrily threw Natsu's broken collar inside. Then he slammed the chest lid down so hard, the hinges cracked.
A whole chest filled with sex toys and BDSM gear, and obviously Natsu was not always thrilled to be using them. Was Gray truly addicted to sex so much that a simple romantic evening felt unfulfilling? Was his fear of falling in love so great, he was pushing Natsu away and ignoring his needs in search of his own desires? When he felt dominant and in control, he did not have to say I love you. His actions spoke. When it was candlelit dinners and snuggling together on the couch, he felt pressured. That was like being lovers, and lovers were expected to say "I love you" to one another.
He knew Natsu kept insisting he did not have to say it, but Gray wanted to when he was in those situations. He realized, he often avoided romantic evenings to avert from that feeling of guilt. He had been avoiding falling deeper in love, since he was edging closer and closer to saying those three dreaded words, and the nightmares he had of Natsu dying prevented him from declaring his love.
However, Natsu wanted romance, not kinks all the time. Especially now, dealing with a deluge of mental trauma, Natsu needed to know he was loved. Even if Gray did not say the words, Natsu need to feel like he was loved deeply.
And Gray had not respected that need. He had selfishly brushed it aside as being not enough.
Fear was making him put some distance between himself and Natsu, using BDSM as a barrier to keep him away, rather than a tether to draw them closer together. He had let his kinks build a wall around his heart, and Natsu recognized what he was doing. That was why he broke the collar. The collar marked him as a Bitch, when what Natsu wanted was to be a Beloved.
Beaten with guilt, Gray collapsed onto his bed, curled his knees up, and began to cry.

End of Chapter 49

A/N: In the audio recording, I got so into the scene, when Natsu lashed out and hit his lamp, I actually lashed out as well and broke my drinking glass. In the recording, you can hear it shattering. I edited out the "Oh crap, I really broke it" exclamation I made after hitting my cup, but I kept on going with the scene and cleaned up the broken glass later. Yep, that recording is filled with authenticity!
http://chirb.it/kdxrON
In other news, I got one hell of a sexy fanart for this fic from super-talented artist Vhazz Rhossze. It's NSFW but it is a HOT depiction of the paddle and butt plug scene in Chapter 17.
http://vhazzrhossze.tumblr.com/post/130143764770/gratsu-love-fest-day-4-toys-play-god-youre
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