Golden Silence

Golden Silence

Rumors of my death are highly exaggerated. The only excuse I have for the delay on this chapter is my own extreme annoyance over the fact that these two characters just will not come together in my head. Between this story and Twisting Fate I am about ready to give up on them. Damn their stubbornness.

For those of you who think that Shuichi is already going to start talking, I’m sorry but you are in for a big disappointment. I didn’t think so many people would misinterpret what happened. So let me take a moment and explain. First of all Shuichi's condition is entirely psychological. If he manages to ever get out of his ‘funk’ he would have no problems speaking again. Second, he whispered, as is in non-usage of vocal cords. In other words he didn’t really speak. I may go back and change it to ‘breathed’. Eiri only heard the words because he was still so damn close to Shuichi. It was a very small first step that Shuichi didn’t even realize he was taking because he was so caught up in the moment and emotional turmoil of seeing Eiri again.

Sorry that I didn’t make that clear, however it will be important later (especially where Eiri is concerned –wink-).

I don’t think I have stated Shuichi's hair color in this story. He is still pink headed. Someone asked me so now you know.

One last thing and I will shut up. Thank you Ashcat. What you said helped me sort out my issues with the last chapter and I think I might have fixed some of it with this one. You’re always so helpful. I should send you some catnip. ;-)

Chapter Five

Shuichi's gut seemed to clench and unclench spasmodically. When he realized that he had actually been able to force words past his uncooperative mouth he felt unrealistically ill. He wasn’t sure what to think. The whole week suddenly seemed to have a sour note to it. The words that he had inadvertently breathed tasted bitter in his mouth.

‘Why? How?’ He kept asking himself the questions again and again.

He jerked the wheel of the car hard as the horn of an oncoming vehicle announced his distraction. His heart beat a rapid staccato in his chest as he pulled to a harsh stop on the side of the road. He collapsed against the wheel and descended into bitter, silent sobs.

Shuichi slammed his fist into the dashboard of the car in pained frustration. ‘What the hell? How are you doing this to me again? Ten minuets back in my life and already I’m a wreck.’ He wanted to laugh, cry, and scream his frustration to the world.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there lost in confused misery, moments or hours, but an insistent tapping forced him to look up through bloodshot eyes. On the other side of the foggy window stood a ridged yet concerned looking officer.

Shuichi sniffed to clear his nose and wiped his face before rolling down the window.

“Are you alright?”

Shuichi smiled weakly and nodded. He reached up and tapped his neck before pulling a pad from his pocket. He scribbled a hasty, ‘I can hear but I can’t speak and it’s been a rough day,’ on it before passing to the officer.

The man tilted his head and nodded stiffly. “We got a call about a vehicle swerving into the wrong lane and running off the road.”

Shuichi grabbed the pad back. ‘I’m sorry. I was distracted.’

The officer asked for his license and the vehicle registration before walking back to his car for a few moments. When he returned the officer sighed. “You really shouldn’t be driving if you’re that upset. Is there someone you can call to come and pick you up?”

Shuichi shook his head and looked down.

“I really don’t think I should let you drive out of here…”

The officer was cut off by the sound of a closing car door and a call of, “I’ll take him home.”

Shuichi whipped his head around and saw Eiri walking toward them. The office looked back at the former singer, “You know him?”

Shuichi nodded but didn’t look away from the blond. “Alright then I suppose that I’ll leave you to it then. Just a warning this time, but next time if you’re upset get someone else to drive you or stay home.” He handed Shuichi's identification back and Shuichi nodded dutifully. The officer walked off to speak with the author for a moment before getting in his car and leaving.

Eiri walked up to the car and stood expectantly waiting for Shuichi to get out. Shuichi demeanor turned stoic and he scribbled on his pad.

‘I’m not going to leave the car sitting here.’

Eiri read it and rolled his eyes. “I’ll call Tohma. He is in Kyoto and can have someone come pick it up and take it back to the dealer.”

Shuichi bit his lip. There really wasn’t much of an option. He didn’t want to risk getting himself killed. ‘You’ll take me to the station?’

“I’ll take you home.”

Shuichi shook his head stubbornly.

“Look at your watch.”

Shuichi narrowed his eyes but did as he was told. He was a little shocked to see that almost three quarters of an hour had passed since he had left the resort. He didn’t have time to make it to the station. He glanced up at Eiri, but the author read his confusion. “Unlike you I took some time to calm down before I drove off. Imagine my shock when I dive up on this.”

Shuichi felt the need to apologize. He had been foolish to run off in such hast. He ended up just shaking his head and getting out of the vehicle. He opened the trunk and started to grab his bags but Eiri stopped him and pointed silently to the other car.

Had he been able to Shuichi would have started grumbling, but in the end he knew better than to try and fight Eiri’s will. The blond always got what he wanted in the end. The moment was too awkward to try and deal with anyway so Shuichi simply shrugged and walked to the other car.

Once he was settled in to the warm leather seat he felt the weight of the last couple of hours settle on him. ‘I don’t know what to think anymore. There he is, real and solid. A few years ago there wasn’t a thing that I wanted more than him back in my life, but now…’

The thought trailed of and his lack of proper sleep along side his previous sobbing caused his mind to shut down and his eyes to close as he fell into a dreamless sleep.

-

Eiri snapped his cell closed on Tohma’s questions after giving the man the location of the rental car. He didn’t care to explain what had happened just yet. In truth he didn’t know what was happening. Over the last few months he had resolved himself to a life of regret because of his own miserable cowardice. He had imagined a thousand different ways that he might run across the little singer again, but never had he thought of this.

Shuichi wore his pain like a coat. It was so obvious to Eiri, who had spent two years watching the man, that the former singer was lost in a painful depression. He wished that he could pass it off as his sudden reentry into Shuichi's life, but he couldn’t. In all the time that he knew the younger man he had never once see something get him down. No matter what happened Shuichi always held his head up and pushed past whatever impossible obstacle was in his way. It was not like his brat to give up and except defeat.

‘My brat, huh? I don’t deserve him. He could do so much better.’ Eiri closed the trunk on the rental car and turned back towards his own with Shuichi's luggage in hand. He couldn’t help the small smile that formed on his face or the slight pang in his chest when he saw that the pink haired man was asleep.

In the four months that he had been back in Japan he had fought with himself again and again. It was the kind of internal battle that couldn’t be resolved. It was the kind that ran around in circles until you felt dizzy. He wanted so badly to have Shuichi in his life but at the same time he didn’t want to be hurt or to hurt the former singer.

“I’m a fool of the worst kind.” He shook off his pointless train of thought and loaded the luggage into the trunk of his car next to his own. He pulled out the light blanket that he kept in the trunk for whatever reason possessed him to keep it there and smelled it. It wasn’t too musty so he carried it will him as he got in. He as carefully as he could so as not to wake Shuichi and made sure that he was buckled in before covering him with the blanket.

The road slipped by silently and Eiri made good time because there was so little traffic. He let his mind wander over all the things he had done in the past three years to try and put this man out of his mind. He also kept thinking about his failed apology. The look on Shuichi's face in that moment, the anger and pain that radiated off of the man, it made Eiri wish that he could take the last three years back.

The author hadn’t cried since he had broken down in front of Shuichi so long ago, but in that moment and for the second time that day he felt the sting of tears in his eyes and dampness on his cheeks. This man made him weak, but at the same time he was stronger with Shuichi than he was on his own. His little brat gave him strength to face the world as a real person as apposed to the work obsessed, cold hearted, emotionless zombie that he had been. Shuichi made him feel real and alive and he had destroyed that.

There was a ding from the dash as the low fuel light came on. Eiri grumbled under his breath but started looking for a gas station. They had been on the road for about two hours and he hadn’t filled up before leaving Kyoto so really it shouldn’t have been a surprise, but then he hadn’t been paying attention.

When he was stopped at the pump he debated whether or not to wake Shuichi. They still had another three or four hours until they got to Tokyo. He could make it in two and a half if he was lucky, but he didn’t really feel like getting pulled over and regardless of what he had told Shuichi he was still a little upset by the events at the hotel. He decided to just get the gas and make his own pit stop and if Shuichi woke later and needed to use the restroom he could stop again.

As he was heading back out to the car after paying for gas and his coffee he felt his heart leap into his throat. Shuichi wasn’t in the car. In his panic he dropped his coffee to the ground and ran to the vehicle. The pink haired man was nowhere in sight. He turned to run back into the store but stopped mid step. Shuichi was coming out of the bathroom on the side of the building.

Eiri took several deep breaths to try and calm his franticly beating heart. When Shuichi was close enough he grabbed the unsuspecting man and wrapped him in a bone-crushing hug. “I thought you had left.”

The words were strangely ironic and Shuichi felt a mixture of guilt and vindication. He would never intentionally hurt someone, especially not Eiri, but at the same time he was glad that the man had gotten a taste of his own medicine no matter how small.

With no small bit of effort he managed to push the lager man away. He looked up into those golden eyes and he could see numerous emotions swirling in their depths. He didn’t know what he would have said had he been able to, but as he wasn’t he decided the point was moot anyway. He stepped around the author and climbed back into the car, never seeing the flash of pain across Eiri’s face.

The ride from there was inevitably silent for a long time. Eiri was unable to start a conversation that Shuichi would be unable to participate in beyond nods and headshakes. He would have turned on the radio but he knew from experience that the stretch of road they were on picked up no stations of any quality and he refused to reveal that the only CD he had in the car was the first Bad Luck album.

An hour passed in that fashion and Eiri finally broke the silence with a simple, “Are you hungry?” He watched the singer out of the corner of his eye and after a moments contemplation he nodded. “Do you have a preference?” This time Shuichi shook his head no.

Eiri pulled of the road in the next town and into a western fast food restaurant that he knew Shuichi was fond of. In the hope of being able to have some kind of discussion with the mute man Eiri pulled into a parking space instead of going through the drive through. Shuichi didn’t seem to mind until Eiri insisted on paying for his food. However without the ability to verbally chastise the man and insist that he had his own money he gave up rather quickly.

When they had their food and were seated Eiri tried to think of a way to broach the rather painful subject that hung in the air between them. “I know that you don’t believe me and that it really isn’t adequate, but I truly am very sorry.” He was off to a rather bad start once again.

Shuichi picked at his greasy fries and wondered how to respond to that. Eiri did in fact seem genuinely sorry, but how could that ever make up for all the pain of the last three years. Finally after rolling it over in his head he decided to be straightforward about it. He hastily wiped his hands on a napkin and started scribbling on his pad.

After several moments he tore out the page handed it to Eiri. ‘I don’t think you could ever understand what the last few years have been like for me. I lost everything in the matter of a few days. When you left I fought with myself over it but finally decided to let you go. It wasn’t two days later that I lost my voice. After that things imploded on me so fast that I didn’t have time to think. One day a few months later I realized that it was all gone. I had been holding out hope that somehow it would work out, but it finally hit me that I was simply paying my due. I have always been a semi talented kid with a lot of energy and drive. I didn’t deserve the fame I got. Bad Luck mostly got recognition because of you.”

The note just ended there as if Shuichi had run out of steam. Eiri felt like an even bigger ass. He looked up at his former lover and stumbled, “I… I don’t…”

Shuichi shook his head and handed him the next page. ‘I don’t blame you. What happened was my fault. Not the part about you leaving, but the rest of it. I dreamed too big and it grew too fast. I lost control of it and when something happened I had no way to fix it. I gave up Bad Luck for her own good. She was always better than me. I just didn’t see it until that happened. They are better off how they are.’

Eiri started shaking his head no about half way threw that page and when he finished it he felt new determination. “You’re wrong. You were Bad Luck. The band I saw play a couple of months ago was not Bad Luck, they were something else altogether. You made that band and it will never be Bad Luck if you aren’t a part of it.” It was true and it was how he really felt.

Shuichi didn’t know how to take that. He had never heard Eiri be more emphatic about something or sound more honest. However millions of fans disagreed with him. Bad Luck was a bright and beautiful thing without him. He shook his head and looked down at his half eaten food.

“You don’t believe me?”

Shuichi had to look up at his tone and what he saw on Eiri’s face was nothing less that completely genuine disbelief. Still he chose to be honest and shook his head ‘no’.

Eiri bit his lip for a moment in thought. His mind was working at a rapid pace to put things together. All the pieces were falling in place. He may have been the trigger that got things started, but he wasn’t truly the cause of Shuichi's problem. It was bigger than that. It seemed to Eiri that Shuichi's real problem was a combination of deep seeded self-doubt, spontaneous fame, and fear of rejection. When Eiri left and Sakuma disapproved of Shuichi's new attitude it caused Shuichi's break down. However the reason he hadn’t recovered was because somewhere deep inside he didn’t think he deserved to.

When these thoughts resolved themselves in Eiri’s mind he came to a possibly life altering decision. ‘Even if he can never forgive what I have done I am going to get him his voice back, no matter what.’

He looked at Shuichi with determined eyes. “I’m going to prove to you that I am right. I am going to prove to you that you are Bad Luck and you deserve to sing for her.”

-

Well, after taking so long to update I hope that this chapter is a little bit redeeming. Like I said to start, this was hard to write.

So you guys know though I already have the next chapter in the works, however it will not be up for at least a few weeks as I am about to be out of the country for awhile. I am going on my first real vacation in years for my birthday. Woohoo!

So? Too much? Not enough? There is more to come.