White Chocolate

(Mello POV this chapter)

I heard the outer door slam and I knew he was gone. I was clutching the knob to the bathroom door, trying to support my body, but I think I was really close to dropping to floor; my legs felt near collapse and I was shaking uncontrollably.

I turned the doorknob and nearly spilled into the bedroom…our bedroom…the bedroom I shared with Matt. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCKING SHIT it burns! My chest, it burns! It fucking sears! I can barely see, my eyes are so damn fucking puffy. Damn it! Where's my chocolate?

I ripped open a drawer and fumbled to pull out some pieces of my one true comfort in this world. The wrapper discarded, I attacked the bar in hand, allowing my body to fall to the floor with all the force of my pain.

Damn it Matt…I'm so sorry. I am so utterly sorry. God, I am so fucked right now…I…I…Damn it all.

The room blurred a bit through the fresh moisture in my eyes…

I stared at my hands….I'm a monster…plain and simple. A monster.

Why Matt, damn it? Of all people…why did he have to have eyes like hers? Fate is some ironic bastard. He certainly can't screw me over more than I already am…

"FUCK!" I thrust my fist into my bedpost, drawing blood as I pulled my hand away…but I swear it felt like a paper cut next to the swelling lump in my throat.

It was so…unconscious of me. I don't think I was even thinking when I did it. No…I wasn't thinking. I was remembering…remembering a different face with those same eyes.

Because when I look into Matt's eyes, I can see my mother. I can see the vibrant web of life reflected in the deep recesses of soul…the same sparkle was in her eyes the last time I saw her smiling face.

That's why I couldn't bear to see the look in his eyes after we, no, not "we"…after I…after I…I…

After I took advantage of my best friend. I'm worse than fucked. I'm like a damned predator. A monster.

The way he just looked at me. I swear I wanted to rip my heart out, rather than remember…because the eyes were the same. The same piercing green orbs that never ended…at least, I never wanted them to end. The warm eyes that wrapped around me in such utter safety, whispering me to sleep at night, cajoling the very breath from me.

I breathed in heavily, biting into my 4th chocolate…not even tasting it anymore.

It was a car crash. We went over the side of the road, into the river below. She couldn't unbuckle her seat belt…She pushed me out the window, but she couldn't get out of her own seatbelt…I was six years old, standing wet on the side of the road, watching the paramedics drape a white sheet over her cold, lifeless eyes…her blank but pleading eyes.

I never want to see those eyes in pain again, ever. I'm thankful that Matt always wears those goggles of his, because I lose all sense of reality under that gaze. Well, I guess I'm a little sadistic because sometimes I like to see them…I feel at home in Matt's eyes.

But not tonight. Not the way he looked at me. I think I felt my heart hitch in my throat as his pupils dilated, filled with utter shock and fear. It was like looking in her dead eyes…her scared pleading confusion. And I never want to remember that look, ever. So when Matt looked at me with those eyes (I swear, I lose all sense of reason under their command), the memories I've kept chained in the dark depths of my mind…they surfaced. I couldn't shove them away this time… But even then, there's no excuse for me.

Because I'm a monster. And a damned coward.

My best friend…my only friend. I'm just a sick bastard, aren't I? I glanced up to his bed to see the blanket and pillow gone. At least he's not cold wherever he is out there…

I felt a strong pang of guilt for throwing him out like I did. A real friend would go out and find him…but an even better one wouldn't have kicked him out in the first place. Matt didn't deserve this. He hadn't done a thing. This was all my fault…stupid loyal puppy, he's so damn good to me even when I'm beating him down.

I saw a bit of blue poking out from the other side of the bed and I plucked it from its hiding place. It was the dress that he'd worn to the Rose Tea; scattered on the floor were the remnants of accessories. My guilt jar exploded. By wearing this thing, Matt had proved just how much our friendship mattered to him. What an ass I am…after all, he went through this just so we could stay together…and I fucking screwed things up. He probably never wants to be my friend ever again…

I hugged the fabric lightly to my chest…just a little bit…It smelled like a cheaply perfumed ashtray. I smiled involuntarily. He really did look cute in all the frills and tresses. I bet Matt was the prettiest one there, with his auburn hair tucked neatly under the mini-bonnet, in stark contrast to the pale radiance of his smooth milky skin. I remember how the dress hugged his waist, teasing out the curves of hips, while the ruffles framed his knees and the stripes accentuated his slender legs, almost seducti---HOLY SHIT.

The dress fell limply from my hands.

"Matt is not girl." I managed to whisper to myself before my jaw slacked a few inches.

I stared at the items on the floor, trying to reason what I almost…okay damn it, what I wasthinking. I sat on the edge of his bed, staring at the white sheets, utter disbelief tugging at every corner of my mind.

Suddenly, I wasn't so sure of why I had kissed him. It was because I had been thinking of my mother, wasn't it? It was a reflex. A fucking reflex! Wasn't it?

I bit my lip. Hard. Shakily, I lifted a finger to my lips, recalling the pressure and the electric surge that seemed to flow from Matt when I brushed against him. His lips were like fire, burning into my skin…

Crap.

This isn't how I'm supposed to be feeling…