Paradise Lost

A/N: Karaage- Near is an ass.. There is no but about it. Manipulate ass.

A/N: Demon’s Sinner- Near is an ass but I like it.


Ch. 5 Apple Blossoms (Matt’s story)

Matt had become increasingly aggressive and violent over the last week. He had gone from depressed to just fucking pissed. He literally eluded violence in his lessons and the only person to get real close to him was Near. He had gotten into the habit of eating his meals and studying in Near's room.

The pale boy would sit with Matt as he worked on his puzzles. He was working on making a name for himself as N. His goal was to surpass his mentor.

Matt sat on the window still in Near's room angrily smoking a cigarette, blowing smoke out the open window with a huge frown on his face.

Near walked in with a sigh. He looked at Matt for a moment. "When did you start smoking?"

"2 years ago." He muttered as he blew out smoke from his perch.

He looked at him before moving closer to him. "You hungry? I can have Hannah bring us something to eat."

"Sure." He said as he took another drag on his cancer stick.

He pulled himself up on the couch and smiled at Matt. "If you want I can have your things brought here."

He shook his head. "No need. Too much hassle." He blew out smoke, still in his pissed off mood, but trying to reign it in for Near's sake.

"Not at all. I'm moving into L's old rooms."

He nodded. "Yeah, it is. I'll just stash some clothes in there like usual."

"If you want you can move into it with me."

"I'll stay with you, like I have been." He said as he sucked on the cigarette.

"Of course Matt." He got up on the bed and started to work on his puzzle.

Matt nodded and finished the cigarette. He pulled the one from behind his ear and placed it in his mouth. He then grabbed his lighter and started the difficult task of lighting it with one hand. "Fuck this shit." He snarled and threw his lighter at the wall before putting the cigarette back behind his ear. He stomped across the room in his combats and climbed up on the bed next to Near frowning.

"I could light that for you."

"No.." He grumbled as he leaned in close and looked at what Near was doing. "It's fine... I was pissed off to begin with anyways..."

The image on the puzzle was a shooting star. He put in another piece glancing at Matt. "Want to help?"

Matt propped his chin on Near's shoulder. "I'll just want to watch,” He said his face softening a bit. The boy reached out and began to twirl a lock of Matt's hair. It was like when they were younger and Matt would sit with him. Matt sighed and buried his face into Near's shoulder. He didn't cry, a part of him thought he wasn't able to cry since he was so pissed. The boy laid his head against Matt's as he worked. "When I finish we can have dinner."

"Okay." He said his voice barely audible.

They stayed like that for an hour before Near finished. "Let's go to see Hannah."

"Okay." He said as he took the cigarette from behind his ear and placed it on the nightstand. He stood up and waited for Near. The white haired boy stood and followed him. He opened the door and walked out with him. "So what happened?"

Matt followed him. Once out of the bedroom, he tensed and frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I mean why are you agitated?”

"Just the usual." He whispered as he followed his head down. He didn't want to mention Mello's name in Near's presence.

"You know he has to have forgotten about you by now," he stated in his monotone.

He nodded. "It's been a week..."

"If he was going to call he would have since you and he have phones with each other's numbers in them."

"Yeah. I know, I'm just pissed at him and myself.. nothing out of the usual.." He moved closer to Near as they neared the occupied dining room and kitchen. The pale boy leaned close and smiled at him. "Well I'm here for you Matt." He walked into the kitchen and everyone stopped to greet him. He looked at Hannah. "Hello Matt and I are here to get our food."

She nodded and fixed there plates. She placed them on the tray and handed it over to Near, along with their drinks. He took them and turned to leave. "Come on Matt." Matt nodded and followed him out.

"Have a good day Hannah," Near said as he left. He walked back to his room. Matt followed him closely and opened the door for him. Near walked in and sat down on the bed with his food. "When I get L's rooms we'll be able to sit on comfy couches."

Matt shut the door, walked over to him, and climbed up on the bed beside him. "That'll be nice." He said visibly relaxing. He smiled and took the fork so that he could eat the pasta. "You really should just forget about Mello. He clearly doesn't care."

Matt stared at his food, after a moment he pushed his plate away and stared at the bed, shaking with anger.

"He was just using you to get ahead. I feel bad that he would do that to someone like you."

"I guess I'm just that fucking stupid." He paused. "Why couldn't it have been you..." He whispered.

"Because Mello knew I wanted you to succeed in all you did so he kept us apart."

He shook his head. "No, the day when I fell out of the tree... Why didn't I choose you instead of him...." He whispered.

"Because I am useless. I'm not as beautiful as Mello or as graceful and I don't handle social graces well. I just test well."

"Don't say that. You’re better than him." He snarled looking at Near.

"If I'm better than why am I always told to be more like him from L?"

Matt got pissed and shook with anger. "Don’t. L was an asshole. Don't ever be like Mello."

"But as I am no one will ever care for me."

Matt growled before leaning and pulling him into a deep kiss. After a minute, he pulled back, breathing hard. "I care..."

Near was shocked by the kiss. He started to close his eyes when Matt pulled away. "You... do?"

"Yeah." He said looking up at him.

"Will you... kiss me again?"

He looked a bit hesitant before he leaned over and kissed him a bit gentler. Near kissed back slowly wrapping his arms around his neck. Matt become more bold and deepened the kiss, hesitantly placing a shaking hand on Near's cheek. Near had never kissed anyone before. It was amazing to share his first kiss with his crush. Matt pulled away abruptly, close to hyperventilating. He pulled his hand back and got up from the bed, shaking and hyperventilating.

"Matt? Are you okay?" The pale boy moved towards him with concern. He reached into his drawer of the nightstand and held out his inhaler. "Here this should help."

He took a couple of puffs from it and handed it back. "Fuck him! He can't do this to me anymore!" He growled before pulling Near into more aggressive kiss, threading his fingers into the back of his head as he kissed him deeply. The younger boy gasped at being kissed so aggressively. It was a shock.

Matt devoured his lips thoroughly, sucking on his bottom lip before running his tongue over them. He parted his lips as he reached out a shaking hand to touch Matt's cheek. Matt slid his tongue in and explored his mouth thoroughly before massaging the tip of his tongue with his, letting out a small moan. Near tried to keep up but had to pull away to breathe. He panted for breath as he stared at Matt.

Matt let go of the back of his head and took a step back. "I'm sorry..." He said scratching the back of his neck nervously.

"N-No, that was amazing Matt. It's just... that was my first kiss."

Matt froze. Oh shit. "Fuck...I didn't know.." He turned to go back to where he had left his cigarette, he needed one right now.

"It's fine. I mean you are an amazing kisser.”
A smile came to his lips as he turned back to look at him. He was blushing. "Thanks."

"I've never been kissed before but I'm glad it was with you."

The smile grew and so did the blush. "I'm not anything special."

"I think you are."

He sputtered for a bit. "T-thanks." He said shyly blushing a deep crimson. No one had ever said that to him before. Near stepped closer to him and leaned up kissing his lips. "I care for you Matt. More than anyone else."

He nodded, his eyes tearing up and tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. The pale boy smiled softly as he looked at him. He kissed away the tears.

"Thank you... for making me feel wanted.." He whispered as he dried his eyes.

"You are always wanted with me."

He hugged the pale boy and looked up at him. "So when do I get to help with the move?" He asked with a chuckle, a small grin on his face.

"Tomorrow."

"Okay." He said letting go of him and climbing back on the bed and started eating. Near sat down and started to eat as well. Matt finished his meal in no time, snuggled up to Near, and laid his head in the boy's lap, closing his eyes. The younger boy placed his food down and began running his fingers through Matt's hair.

"I want it to stop... every time I close my eyes... I see him... and I want it to fucking stop." He whispered, burying his face in Near's crotch without realizing it.

Near shifted and bit his lower lip. "M-Maybe you should focus on someone else."

He nodded. "Maybe.."

"You can focus on me if you want."

He nodded again, nuzzling his crotch, his eyes still tightly shut. "He's a fucking asshole.." He growled. Near covered his mouth to stifle a moan. Matt laid there for a moment. "I'm so fucking stupid..." He muttered. "Stupid fucking asshole.." He snuggled closer to him and wrapped his arms around his waist.

"N-No, you are so smart," he stuttered.

Matt shook his head. "I got played by some asshole... I'm so stupid..."

"No. He is for not s-seeing how wonderful y-you are."

"What’s wrong?" He asked sleepily.

"N-Nothing..." he blushed.

"Then..why are you.. stuttering?" He asked with a sigh.

"I d-don't know..."

Matt turned his head and slowly opened his eyes and looked up at him. "Is it anything I did?" He asked a bit worried.

He bit his lip and looked away. "M-My body is hot..."

He sat up, looking at him with concern. "Do you have a fever?" He asked, placing his forehead to Near's. He blushed darkly at the contact. The redhead pulled back and looked at him. "Please tell me! What is it?" He asked worried.

"I think... I'm aroused..." he said softly.

He put a hand to his mouth and started shaking in laughter, his eyes sparkling. He couldn't hold it back anymore and bursting out laughing.

"W-Why are you laughing?"

"I'm sorry; I'm not laughing at you. I've just never had that affect on anyone before." He said between giggles.

"I don't understand."

He smiled warmly at the pale boy. "I've never had anyone get aroused by my presence before…”

"Y-You were... touching... With your cheek..."

"What?" He asked confused.

"You were nuzzling my lap..."

He blinked. "Yeah, your thigh.." He said uncertain.

"Y-Yes."

Matt guessed it by the way the boy looked down before answering. "I nuzzled your package.." He said, embarrassed, blushing darkly. Near only bit his lip harder. "N-No it's fine. I should go take a bath now."

He nodded and pulled away, crawling to the top of the bed and avoiding eye contact with Near. He had just gone to second base with him without even realizing it. Fuck!

"I'm sorry." He ran off and hid in the bathroom blushing.

Great! He thought as he laid there. He didn't want to go back to his room. Fucking great. He hadn't been on the forum in a week... They were probably worried about him. He got up and walked out and up to his bedroom, he dug around and grabbed his laptop and sat down on the bed and booted it up.

Beloved_twilight: And then mum told the man he could go wank off in a ditch because she was not paying him so much for a ratty car.
Bubbles: Wow, I would love to have seen it!
mariomatt has logged in.
mariomatt: hey guys...
Beloved_twilight: MARIO!
Bubbles: MATTY! Where have you been? We've been so worried!
linuxsquare: seriously i was about to trace your ass and go bust some heads
mariomatt: my life's been shit... sorry for disappearing.... i broke my hand on top of all the other shit thats been happening.
Beloved_twilight: What happened? Last you were on you said you were going to tell your roommate how you felt. We thought you were with him.
mariomatt: nah


matt then went on to tell them everything that had happened.


mariomatt: he just used me...
linuxsquare: yeah I'm killing him.
Bubbles: poor baby. You leave this ass to me I'll cut him!
Beloved_twilight: Guys stop this isn't going to make him feel better.
mariomatt: yeah it does.


A private chat box popped up on Matt's screen.
Matt clicked the box.


Beloved_twilight: So what all happened? I mean why would he leave?
mariomatt: mr wonderful died... apparently they were lovers. everyone knew about it but me... the whole school is whispering behind my back...
Beloved_twilight: So he left? Without a word?
mariomatt: yeah
Beloved_twilight: But you said he was your friend. I would think he would leave a note.
mariomatt: yeah, it basically said, im leaving, if i dont i'll end up killing myself. thats it.
Beloved_twilight: I'm sorry to hear that Mario. I wish there was something I could do. HEY! I know if you want I can find him for you!
mariomatt: i dont want you to find the asshole. i mean who the fuck does that after your fucking roommate snogs you senseless and spills his heart out to you??!!
Beloved_twilight: You never said that! What did he say!?
mariomatt: nothing. he said fucking nothing.
Beloved_twilight: I don't believe that.
mariomatt: im serious, i wouldnt fucking lie to you about this.
Beloved_twilight: Calm down Mario I didn't mean to call you a liar. I only meant that maybe you aren't thinking straight. Your mind is clouded with such dark thoughts.
mariomatt: i remember every last detail... and i wish i didnt... he just walked out that door without saying anything.. like i was nothing...
Beloved_twilight: Do you still have the note?
mariomatt: yeah... somewhere...
Beloved_twilight: May I know what it says?
mariomatt: yeah, matt, mr wonderful is dead if i dont leave i'll end up being next. i have it memorize. i stared at it for a whole 24 hours
Beloved_twilight: Then tell me
mariomatt: i just did.
Beloved_twilight: Word for word
mariomatt: yeah cept im not giving out any names around here.
Beloved_twilight: Then just omit names
mariomatt: matt, blank is dead, if i dont leave i'll end up being next.
mariomatt: word for word
Beloved_twilight: Is that really it?
mariomatt: yeah it is
Beloved_twilight: Odd way to leave a note
mariomatt: hence why he is an asshole, well one of the reasons.
Beloved_twilight: A few days ago you were excited about telling him though. You said that he liked you back.
mariomatt: it was all just an act... he used me.... to get the to get the top ranking.
Beloved_twilight: What do you mean?
mariomatt: he was with mr wonderfull... they were lovers.. he used my feelings for him so that he could get the best ranking in the school.. i stepped down purposely from the top rank for him.. i was soo fucking stupid
Beloved_twilight: so he never asked you to? You just did it?
mariomatt: he put himself in the infirmary from studying... i needed to do something!
Beloved_twilight: Did he know you did it on purpose?
mariomatt: yes he did
Beloved_twilight: did you tell him?
mariomatt: he figured it out and told me he knew
Beloved_twilight:When?
mariomatt: after i did it and the scores got posted
Beloved_twilight: When was this?
mariomatt: umm.. about 6-7 years ago
Beloved_twilight: And how did he react when he found out?
mariomatt: idk... fuck twilight i dont want to think about this!!
Beloved_twilight: Mario from what you've said about him he doesn't sound like the type to win by having others let him. Did he get angry? Did he thank you?
mariomatt: fine! he got so fucking pissed, he came into the room throwing shit!
Beloved_twilight: Then why would he let you continue?
mariomatt: hell if i know!!
Beloved_twilight: Mario I think you need to rethink your statement. If he used you wouldn't he have been happy about you failing? Or even why would he confront you about it if it was his plan.
mariomatt: idk, your making my fucking head hurt! i dont want to think about this or him ever again!!
Beloved_twilight: Is that because you don't want to think that he would hurt you or because he was really trying to protect you?


Matt started to sob. Fuck! He told himself he wasnt going to do this anymore!


mariomatt: yes to the first part. what the fuck do you propose he was protecting me from?!
Beloved_twilight: Maybe a life on the streets. For all you know he could be dead or worse maybe he had to become a slag.
mariomatt: dont you fucking say that!!


matt started to hyperventilate. No! that wasnt true! he couldnt have gone back to that!

A chibi cat boy walked onto the screen and held up a phone waving it.


Beloved_twilight: Mario...


Matt looked at it and moved his mouse over it and clicked it.


mariomatt: i clicked it


A distorted voice came from the speakers. "Mario, why is it so hard for you to think? You have got to be the smartest person I know and yet you are letting your focus be clouded."

Matt cleared his throat. "Because I don't want to think about anything....it hurts too much." He said, his thick british accent a bit watery from crying.

"Mario? How old are you?"

"12. I turn 13 in a couple of months." He answered.

"So young and going through so much... Mario at your age I don't think he's had sex with that guy. I mean if the other guy is as old as you say then that's illegal."

"I know he did." He said as he laid down and placed the laptop on his stomach as he reached out and grabbed his cigarettes, attempting to light one. "I saw them kissing and shit." He said around his cancer stick.

"That doesn't mean sex."

"Yeah, but the way they were going was going to lead into it pretty fast." He chuckled darkly as he cussed at his lighter trying to flick the flame on.

"Mario, what did he say when you confessed to him?"

Matt sighed. "He said nothing." More flicking noises. "Come on you stupid motherfucking lighter.." He muttered.

"What happened after you kissed him?"

"He said, 'You kissed me'." He said still cussing at the lighter.

"And then?"

"That's it. I keep telling you that's it! He didn't say anything worth two fucking cents! He left me! Here! To rot in this fucking hell hole!" He growled. "And this motherfucking lighter won't work!"

"Mario I know you don't want to remember, but his eyes, what did his eyes say?"

Matt was silence for a long while before speaking. "He smiled." He stated quietly.

"If he didn't care why would he smile with his eyes?"

"Not just with his eyes, he sorta smiled with his whole face..." He said miserably, taking the cigarette out of his mouth.
"What did he do after you kissed him."

"Nothing. He just stood there in front of me." He sighed pulling at his hair.

There was silence allowing Matt a chance to think.

Matt felt his mind wonder back to that day. Mello was happy, so happy. What the fuck had happened? Matt started to sob again. "Why did he leave me? Was I not what he wanted? What did I do to drive him away..." He sobbed more to himself then Twilight.

"You didn't do anything. It may have just been the shock."

"No, it was me. I didn't stay in the room like he told me. I went to tell Hannah... if I had stayed he wouldn't have left...I would been there to comfort him..." He sobbed.

"Mario he does care for you. I want you to know that I will do anything you ask. Do you want me to help track him for you?"

"No. If he doesn't want me with him then there is no reason to try to find him.." He sobbed pulling out his hair.

"Did he really leave without a word or was there more to that note?"

There was a bit of shuffling. " Matt, blank is dead and if I stay here any longer I'll be next. I have to leave and where I'm going you can't come. Be safe and I'll call you when I can." He read. "That was almost 2 weeks ago."

"So he does care. Mario he just wants to protect you."

"It's all my fault.."

During the lull in talking Near knocked on the door and walked in. "Matt? I wanted to apologize about what happened earlier. I shouldn't have reacted like that."

Matt looked up. "No, its fine. I shouldn’t have done that. I'm sorry." His voice had gotten a lot softer as he spoke to the boy. He walked closer and saw that Matt was crying and hurried over embracing him. "I'm sorry I upset you. I promise I'll do better next time."

Matt caressed his cheek. "You didn't upset me. What do you mean do better?"

"I'm such a horrible kisser..."

He chuckled. "No your not." He leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. "I'm going to finish some things up here; I'll meet you back in the room, okay?"

He kissed back and nodded. "Okay. Tomorrow you'll have a better room."

He smiled at him. "Thank you." He then kissed him again. Near pulled away and walked out leaving Matt alone with his laptop. Matt watched him leave before looking back at his laptop. "Sorry about that... You were saying?"

"I'm going to give you something no one else has. It's a direct link up to me 24/7. I don't sleep much so anytime you need me just type it in and you will be put through."

"Okay. Anything else, I have someone waiting on me..." He trailed off feeling like crying again, still thinking over what Twilight had said earlier. His heart hurt so much right now, he just wanted it to stop.

A number popped up on the screen. "No. You should go get some rest. We'll talk tomorrow."

"Okay, but I'm not going to get any rest... I can already tell.." He said as the tears started to fall. He had made Mello leave it was his fault; he hadn't been there when he came back...

"It'll be okay Mario. I promise."
"No it won't. It'll never be okay." He whispered. "Thanks Twilight."

"You'll see Mario. Just remember we are all here for you."

"I know. I'm going to go. I'll talk to you later." He said as he saved the number and looked at the forum where Bubbles and Linux were plotting ways to torture Mello.

mariomatt: hey guys I'm going to go now, ttyl
linuxsquare: its okays matt-fish! im here for you! if you ever need anything dont hesitate to message me
Bubbles: Same here! You need anything you just tell mama and I'll take care of it!
mariomatt: thanks you guys. see ya.
mariomatt has logged out.
linuxsquare: i worry about him... i hope he doesnt do anything stupid...
Beloved_twilight: He isn't alone there so hopefully he'll be okay
linuxsquare: thats good, i still feel like booking a flight to london...
Beloved_twilight: You would have a hard time tracking him
linuxsquare: yeah i know... thats why im staying here in NY and worrying my balls off..


Matt closed the laptop and walked over to Mello's side of the room. He opened the vanity drawer and took out a pack of razor blades. Mello had used them to sharpen his eyeliner. He took them back to his bed and pulled up his sleeve. He opened the box and took one out. He then steadied his arm and hand and ran the blade over his flesh making shallow cuts as the blood pour from the wounds.

Beside the box was Mello's eyeliner and perfume bottle. Inside the box was a scrap of paper with the drawing of Matt's ring.

The smell made Matt sob harder. He looked at the paper, reached up, and touched his ring, which was still around his neck. Shit! He ran the blade over his arm again, remembering everything that was said after the kiss like it had happened only hours ago.