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Blind Fury	By : HollowedRose Category: > Durarara!! (?????!! Dyurarara!!) Views: 6534 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Durarara!! and its characters. They belong to Ryohgo Narita. I'm not making any profit from this.

Chapter List
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Tom knew that something was wrong with Shizuo the moment he saw him, the man's rigid posture and the dark circles under his eye serving as a clear indication that something was bothering his friend. That wasn't what got his attention though, because while Shizuo did look much tenser than usual, it was nowhere near as surprising as the normal clothes the man was wearing instead of the usual bartender uniform. He was tempted to inquire about the reason for the change, but he had a feeling that Shizuo would not appreciate it so instead he remained silent and tried to send him home. "Hey, if you want, you can take the day off, you know that."

"I'm fine, let's go," was Shizuo's swift answer. He was not in the mood to go home where he'd have nothing to distract him from his own condemning thoughts.

Tom wasn't happy with the answer, but he didn't think that pushing his employee would do any good so he merely shrugged before they went on with their work. Shizuo barely acknowledged his presence after that, the man only waking up from wherever his mind was wandering just enough to shake an indebted guy into paying before retreating into his head and ignoring everyone and everything until it was time to once again put his strength to good use.

"Go home," Tom finally ordered, sighing, the cigarette burning his friend's fingers telling him that Shizuo had forgotten he even had it in his hand to begin with. He expected the man to protest again but to his surprise Shizuo muttered an "I'll see you tomorrow" and left. Tom could do nothing but stare at the man's retreating back with a puzzled look on his face.

Shizuo couldn't take his mind off of what had transpired the night before no matter how hard he tried. A feeling of constant nausea settled in his stomach and an echo of Izaya's cries of agony constantly rang in his ears as a grim reminder of what he had done. He felt so mentally and physically exhausted that he was having a hard time getting his legs to move, his feet mostly scuffing aimlessly across the pavement and somehow leading him to a park. He sank heavily on the nearest bench and closed his eyes, the sun's deceptively warm rays biting into his already cold skin.

He had been so out of it after his discussion with Kasuka that he didn't even remember his little brother leaving, the events of the previous night stopping from registering in his mind around the time Kasuka hugged him. The next thing he remembered was waking up on the couch when the alarm went off, his body still carrying the evidence of his assault on Izaya. Disgusted by himself more than by Izaya's blood, he dashed to the bathroom, dropped to his knees and threw up, his body so weak that he barely had the energy to get up and take a shower. He was nothing more than an animal, someone who didn't deserve kindness from anyone, especially from someone as nice as Kasuka. Just thinking about him made his heart ache. He knew that Kasuka cared about him, but to go so far as to not abandon him after what he'd done to Izaya... Kasuka had to be a saint; it was the only reasonable explanation.

His eyelids felt heavy as he tried to open his eyes, so he blinked a few times and shook his head in an attempt to wake up. His nicotine deprived lungs screamed for a cigarette, so he thrust his hands into the pockets of his pants and pulled out the lighter and an almost empty pack, sucking in the smoke the second he lit it up. Without meaning to, his thoughts went back to the previous night and he immediately hated himself for his inability to keep them at bay. It was as though he could still feel Izaya struggling under him, screaming in pain, squeezing him so deliciously tight each time he thrust into him.

Fuck, he cursed, too shocked by his own train of thoughts. That feeling of nausea burning through the pit of his stomach suddenly intensified and it shocked him to even think that he had enjoyed it. Sure, Izaya was an evil little creep, but not even the damn louse deserved to get humiliated in such a way, even though at the time it had seemed like the perfect punishment to his crazed mind. It was only after it happened and their eyes locked that Shizuo had truly become aware of what he'd done. He remembered his heated and sated body suddenly going cold, the look of absolute terror in the Izaya's eyes making the blood in his veins freeze. No one should have that look in their eyes, not even Orihara Izaya, he remembered thinking, the memory alone making his hands shake with fine tremors.

He lifted the cigarette to inhale some much needed smoke and then stopped, the memory of burning Izaya with one making him gag. Revulsion suddenly filled his senses and he hurled it to the ground before he raised his foot and furiously crushed it under the sole of his shoe. "We're even," his own words echoed in his mind and he leaned forward, quivering fingers tugging at his hair in self-loathing. He could not understand for the life of him why he had said it, the words leaving his mouth before he even had a chance to process them.

It was true that Izaya had ruined his life by getting him fired from a few jobs in the past, or by pinning crimes on him so that he could get arrested and even going as far as to try to get him killed, but he still shouldn't have raped him. He was supposed to be better than that. The only comfort he had was that Izaya was still alive, and he couldn't help but wonder how the man was doing. According to Kasuka, Izaya had almost died, and the thought of almost killing another person―even if said person was only a bastard louse―made him hate himself even more.

If it hadn't been for his little brother, Shizuo would most likely be in jail for rape, homicide and probably torture too. Something had to be seriously wrong with him to do such a despicable thing as leaving a bleeding Izaya alone in that alley. Then again, he didn't exactly think back then, and perhaps that was the problem. Somewhere, in some remote corner of his mind, he had assumed that Izaya would simply get up and limp home, because no matter how much he had tried to break him, the bastard's mind refused to cave in.

His body tensed then, the thought that he might still end up in jail passing through his mind. There was nothing stopping Izaya from informing the police about what happened to him, but at the same time Shizuo doubted that the man would want something like that to be known by others; the insect was a proud bastard after all. His mind kept torturing him with images from his encounter with Izaya as he sat there, and he didn't even notice anyone getting close until someone was in his face and he had to squint his eyes in order to see who it was. Aghast by the sight, he abruptly jerked backwards, his face turning a ghostly pale. His ears were ringing so loudly that the sound was almost deafening, so it felt like an eternity had passed before a voice finally succeeded in slicing through his addled thoughts.

"―our brother?"

"W-what?" Shizuo asked in a strained voice.

"Iza-nii, today?" Kururi shyly inquired.

Shizuo tried to swallow the lump in his throat with not much success; it felt as though he was slowly suffocating.

"Oh well, I'm sure he's alright, he always is," Mairu chirped.

"Y-Yeah," Shizuo stuttered. "What a-are you d-doing here?"

"We heard that Hanejima Yuuhei is filming somewhere nearby, so we came here hoping to see him," the younger of the twins said in an excited voice before her smile fell and she pouted. "When are you going to introduce him to us?"

"Soon, but not today, sorry. I have to go, see ya," Shizuo said and got up, desperately wanting to get away from them.

"I'm going to kill Iza-nii and dump his body inside a dumpster one of these days, so don't forget your promise!" she added.

Shizuo felt his heart sink, her innocent words told as a joke cruelly tearing into him. It didn't look like they had any idea about what had happened to Izaya, and the simple thought of being anywhere near the twins after viciously raping their brother made his guilt increase tenfold, their resemblance to the man only serving to further mercilessly thrust the metaphorical knife into his heart. "We'll talk about that another time," he told them and then walked away with hurried steps, their mere presence making him uncomfortable because of how much they looked like Izaya. As that thought entered his mind, he winced and nearly threw up right there and then, but he kept on walking until he was far enough from the twins. At least the fresh air was helping him with the nausea.

He only stopped when he could go no further and he leaned against a wall where he remained like that for a while, completely drained and hoping that his racing heart would stop galloping. After a while, he found the strength to push himself away from the wall and get his legs to move in the direction of his apartment, but all he could think about was how Izaya was doing. He even thought he caught sight of the insect at some point when he saw a fur-trimmed coat out of the corner of his eye, but on closer inspection he confirmed that it wasn't him. Of course it's not him, Izaya is probably unconscious, he told himself as he remembered the large puddle of blood he saw under the man after he'd had his way with him, the memory of leaving him there like that and walking away further increasing his feelings of self-loathing.

The rest of the way to his apartment was a blur, dark thoughts bombarding him every step of the way. He mechanically pulled out the keys from his pocket and opened the door, not even bothering to lock it behind him before he sluggishly moved towards the couch and slumped on it, head falling into his hands in despair. He hated violence, yet he ended up inflicting the worst kind of humiliation on Izaya. The flea was a douchebag―there was no denying it―and some part of him still believed that Izaya had deserved what happened to him, but it was a tiny part of him. Even so, it was still a part of him, and that truly scared Shizuo because he couldn't help but wonder if he had always been such a monster. Perhaps the monster Shizuo was the real Shizuo, and the other part of himself that claimed to hate violence was nothing more than a lie. The hands in his hair tightened, teeth grinding harder against each other. He simply did not know what to do anymore.

He didn't move for a few hours from his spot on the couch, not until he heard a knock on the door followed by Kasuka's voice and he reluctantly forced himself to get up and open it after forgetting he hadn't even locked it to begin with. "What do you want?" he asked, both annoyed and exhausted and most certainly not in the mood to talk to anyone. Their previous conversation hadn't exactly gone well, and the last thing he wanted was to end up losing it again.

"For starters, let me in," Kasuka demanded calmly, not at all intimidated by the hostility flung at him.

Shizuo moved out of the way and allowed him to come in before going back and sitting down on his earlier spot on the couch. "What do you want now?"

"I came to see how you were feeling, so how are you feeling?"

A bitter chuckle slipped past Shizuo's lips because the question hurt him in ways that his little brother could never understand. "What kind of question is that?" he asked, his voice nearly cracking. "It's not like I was the one who got raped last night."

"That's not what―"

"It doesn't matter. Just tell me one thing. At the hospital, they said that Izaya was going to pull through, right?" The issue of Izaya's unknown fate had been eating at him from the moment he woke up; he needed to know how the insect was doing. Regardless of how much of a bastard the Informant was, Shizuo still hadn't been able to kill him. More than that, he didn't want the man to die after what happened, even though he knew that Izaya would most certainly gradually break him for what he had done, until there would be nothing left of the man known as Heiwajima Shizuo.

Kasuka stared for a while at the miserable-looking creature that was his brother, feeling relief now that Shizuo was asking about the man because he didn't want to believe that his brother was a heartless human being who didn't even care whether someone he'd hurt lived or died. Besides, Kasuka himself was supposed to be the emotionless freak between them, not Shizuo. "I never took him to the hospital."

As the words reached his ears, Shizuo's hopeful expression morphed into one of confusion and he stared for a few moments before finally blinking. "Then where―"

"I took him to his apartment."

"What??" Shizuo nearly screeched as his eyes widened in disbelief. "And you left him there alone?! He lost a lot of blood... w-what if he's dead?" he hesitantly asked, heart pounding so fast inside his rib cage that it hurt.

"No, that's not what happened," Kasuka interjected and proceeded to explain. "I wanted to call an ambulance when I found him on the street but he didn't let me do it, so I offered to help him get home. At the time I had no idea what was the full extent of his injuries, so I didn't think that it'd be a problem if I took him home."

Shizuo's hands were slightly shaking and he felt a surge of panic fill his entire being. "You took him there and then...?"

"He told me to leave after I helped him up the stairs and into the bathroom, but then I heard noises coming from inside so I rushed back in. I saw…" he started, but had to shake his head in order to get rid of the image of a very frightened and bleeding Orihara Izaya. "I saw the blood. There was so much of it running down his thighs... Nii-san, how could you do such a thing?"

Shizuo lowered his head again, a feeling of absolute shame taking over him as the silence stretched between them. He didn't know how to answer Kasuka's question when he himself had no idea how he could snap like that and sexually assault Izaya. He was planning to either beat him within an inch of his miserable life or to simply kill him, but the bastard's mocking words and that annoying laughter had made him lose it, a burning desire to crush the insect emerging from somewhere deep within. He'd already been in a shitty mood to begin with, so his mind was far from clear by the time he caught the bastard. Then, somehow, in his messed up monstrous head he reached the conclusion that fucking the bastard would be the perfect punishment. It would show him just how weak and powerless he really was instead of the invincible god he believed himself to be. "I... I'm not really sure..." Shizuo finally answered in a completely defeated tone.

Kasuka almost felt guilty for posing the question, but he wanted to know and to understand. Unfortunately, it didn't look like Shizuo himself understood his own actions, which was to be expected. Feeling a bit bad for asking the question, he moved closer to Shizuo who seemed to be trembling. "I'm sorry," Kasuka said as he placed a hand on Shizuo's shoulder. "Like I said, I'm not here to judge you. I only want to understand so that I can help you. I know how much you hate violence."

"No, Kasuka... that's not it."

"What do you mean?"

Shizuo took a deep breath, struggling to find the courage to say the next few words. It wasn't something he was proud of. "I hate myself for what I did to the louse," he confessed, clenching his fists tighter, "but that doesn't change the fact that I enjoyed it."

Kasuka gave Shizuo's shoulder a squeeze. "But you feel bad about what happened, right?"

"Yeah, but I'm still a monster, and nothing I do now will ever change what I did to him."

"Monsters don't feel remorse, so you can't be one."

Shizuo turned his head and stared into Kasuka's eyes. He was grateful that his brother was still there for him and it was nice to know that he could always count on Kasuka to help him get through tough times. Besides, talking to him always seemed to help. "What happened to Izaya afterwards?"

"I called Shinra."

Shizuo breathed in relief, but then his entire body stiffened and his expression turned grim. "Does Shinra know that I was the one who... who... hurt Izaya?"

"No, he doesn't know, not yet anyway."

"G-Good," He was worried that Shinra might figure it out, and the simple thought of more people finding out about he'd done to Izaya made him break into a cold sweat. It was already bad enough that Kasuka knew. There was only so much he could take, and he didn't think that he'd be able to handle the hateful glares and the disappointment he would most likely read in his friends' eyes. Kasuka was already going out of his way to comfort him and that was more than he deserved. "You can let go now," he told him, his brittle smile most likely betraying his feelings. It didn't matter though, not when Kasuka could read him like an open book.

"What?"

Shizuo's eyes fell on Kasuka's hand on his shoulder. "You're not acting like yourself."

"Oh, right," Kasuka said and pulled back his hand. "I'm sorry, I was just―"

"Trying to comfort me, I know, but I'm all right now. You don't have to force yourself this much for me. I don't deserve a brother as good as you."

Kasuka gazed into the honey-colored eyes, the too many emotions behind them almost overwhelming for someone as emotionless as he was. "No matter what you do, I'll always be on your side."

Shizuo's eyes widened in both confusion and disbelief, and he stared into Kasuka's eyes in the hope of finding out if his brother was being truthful or if he was just telling him what he wanted to hear. "How can you even say that? What if one day I end up hurting you? Would you still be on my side?"

"Always on your side," Kasuka assured him, dead serious. To him, someone who could hardly feel anything, Shizuo was the person he most cared about. Only when he was around Shizuo he felt somewhat normal, like his coldness and emptiness would somehow mix with Shizuo's fire to create something in-between, something closer to normality. He knew that it sounded crazy, but it was what he thought and no one would ever be able to make him think differently. Shizuo smiled at him―a brittle smile―and Kasuka wished that he could make him understand just how human he was instead of the monster he believed himself to be.

Shizuo sighed in frustration. "Ugh, I need a cigarette."

"Do you want me to go buy you a pack?"

"No!" Shizuo rushed to answer, his outburst startling Kasuka in the process. Embarrassed, he ran a twitchy hand through his hair. "I'm sorry."

"Since when did you quit smoking?"

"I didn't."

"Then what is the problem?"

"I... I can't stand seeing it burn anymore," he disclosed in an irritated tone.

"Why?"

Shizuo tensed, unsure whether or not to reveal more of the fucked up things he'd done to Izaya. No matter what Kasuka said, his brother probably still saw him as a monster, but he deserved to know the truth. "I burned the flea with one. It's like I can still smell his flesh burning and it's making me sick," he finally said, his face turning pale.

Kasuka stayed quiet for a while, analyzing the information and processing it for future reference. The fact that Shizuo couldn't even smoke anymore proved just how affected he was by the things he'd done. Then again, even Kasuka himself had felt somewhat affected by the sight of a very naked, very bleeding and utterly terrified Orihara Izaya.

"I think I need to get drunk," Shizuo mumbled before he got up and went to retrieve a bottle of whiskey from one of the kitchen cabinets.

Kasuka looked at the bottle, then at Shizuo. "Since when do you drink whiskey?"

"I don't. Tom picked it up from a guy who couldn't pay his debts," Shizuo said and poured himself a glass. He noticed Kasuka looking at the bottle with an indescribable expression and he wondered what was going through Kasuka's complicated mind. He saw him reach for the bottle and his eyes widened a bit. "You don't drink," he said in a high-pitched tone, immediately regretting opening his mouth.

Kasuka gave him a blank stare. "Neither do you," he responded flatly as he poured himself a glass. "There's a first time for everything."

They drank in companionable silence until they finished the bottle together, which didn't take very long. That one bottle however was not enough to make Shizuo as drunk as he wanted to get, so he offered to go out and buy some more alcohol. To his surprise, Kasuka agreed. His sibling didn't show it, but Shizuo knew that what happened had somehow affected him as well. Besides, it wasn't the first time that Kasuka had to clean up his mess, but it was probably the first time his little brother had most likely realized just how sick Shizuo had to be in order to do such a cruel thing. He really did go buy more alcohol, and by the time he returned home with three bottles, Kasuka had fallen asleep. He took a blanket from the closet, draped it over him, picked up two of the sake bottles he had bought and then went to his room to drink some more. He really did get drunk that night.
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Blind Fury