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Ass' Pokemon Adventure and crap	By : c0p13r Category: Pokemon > General Views: 3514 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own 'Pokémon' nor do I make money off of this story

Chapter List
- 1-Day 1
- 2-Day 2
- 3-Day 3
- 4-Day 4
- 5-Day 5
- 6-Day 6
- 7-Day 7
- 4
- 5
- 6
After a long, tiring day of walking (two hours on the beaten path of the forest) Ass and his gang – Mushy the Pokemon-Stealing Bitch, Peek-At-You the Highly Defiant Rodent, and the newest member Cock the Gym Leader Abomination – decide to take a break. Ass immediately collapses on the dirt while Mushy lays out a blanket.

Ass: Whew, that sure was a long walk. I can hardly believe we’ve made it so far from your gym, Cock. (looks into the distance and sees the Pooper City gym a little less than a mile away) At this rate, we’ll be traveling across the land, searching far and wide, in no time! For each Pokemon, I will understand the power that’s inside!

Mushy: (under her breath) You’ll never understand the power that’s inside when I steal all your Pokemon.

All of a sudden, several feet in front of the group struts the monkey Pokemon, Crimetate. It wiggles its nonexistent hips before turning towards Ass. It bats an eye seductively.

Crimetate: Ooo, Crimetate.

Ass: Well, bite my ass! It’s a Crimetate! (leaps to his feet) Do you know what I’m going to do with it? I’m going to catch this here Crimetate!

Mushy: If you do, I’ll steal it from you!

Ass: No, you won’t! Peek-At-You will stop you! He loves me!

Mushy: He loves idiots! Why do you think he hangs out with us? Because we’re cool?!

Cock: My mother said that I’m cool. She also said that I can be the best, most handsome gym leader in the land.

Both Mushy and Ass share a glance with each other. Silently, they agree that Cock’s mom is a compulsive liar.

Ass: Enough talk! This Crimetate isn’t going to be sticking around all day. And if I want to be a great Pokemon master… I need to enslave every Pokemon I set my eyes on!

Mushy: Even that Fuckerbee you lost?

Ass: Shut up! (a tear escapes his eye from his loss) I… I never wanted that piece of shit anyway. (turns his head and snivels; whispers) Oh, Fuckerbee… Why did you leave?

Cock: (points) Oh no! Ass, that there Crimetate must be up to something! Look!

Ass gasps and looks at Crimetate. The furball with arms and legs has taken out some toenail paint to tend to its toenails. It colors its toenails pink, cooing over how cute it looks.

Ass: The fiend! It obviously doesn’t want to share! Peek-At-You, go! Go and do something with electricity!

Peek-At-You: Piiiiika pi! (Translation: Righty-o!)

The yellow rat lunges into action and squares off with the Crimetate. The Crimetate looks at Peek-At-You, its long-lashed eyes fluttering sensually.

Peek-At-You: Pi pi pika chu chu! (Translation: Give that turd over there your makeup! If you don’t, he’ll surely send me to town to fetch him some! And while that provides me with the perfect opportunity of escape, I feel that I must stick around. Being around this band of losers makes me feel better about myself. Besides, I don’t want to go back to a life of living underneath little boys’ beds.)

Crimetate: Ooo, Crimetate. (Translation: Ooo, Crimtate.)

Peek-At-You: Pi?! (Translation: Da fuck?!)

Crimetate: (turns haughtily from Peek-At-You, flagging him down) Crimetate tate. (Translation: Don’t be so silly. This is my nail polish. Go get your own. Unless… you want to ‘wrestle’)(winks)

Peek-At-You pauses and then lets loose a storm of lightning that shocks Crimetate to a state of unconsciousness. Satisfied, Peek-At-You toddles away to let Ass deal with cleanup.

Ass: (hurries over excitedly) Yes! (reaches down to Crimetate) I got some nail polish! (holds the small vial up proudly)

Cock: I thought you wanted to catch Crimetate?

Ass: Who? (looks at the smoldering ape) Oh! Well, that’s just a bonus! (takes out a vacant Pokeball and drops it on the fainted Crimetate) That there is killing two birds with one stone!

Mushy: (eyes the Pokeball malevolently) I’m going to steal that Pokemon from you… Ass Ketchup!

Ass: What was that, Mushy?

Mushy: I said I’m going to steal that Pokemon from you.

Ass: Oh. Well… you know what? That’s not nice!

Cock: I’m hungry! Can we save this fighting for another day? If I wanna score with some inbred nurses, I need to be fully fed. Maybe she’ll want to give me an examination.

Ass: (under his breath) He’s more likely to be arrested by an inbred cop for indecent exposure should his mask slip.

Ass, Mushy and Cock sit on the blanket that had been laid out. From Mushy’s backpack is produced some foodstuffs: three apples and a loaf of bread.

Cock: Hey, Ass. Toss me one of them there apples!

Ass, three feet away from Cock, tosses an apple; it rolls to Cock’s feet. Cock picks up the fruit, pushes his mask over his mouth, and takes a bite.

Cock: Yessir. This here’s the life. Sitting down with friends that are real and don’t ditch me yet, eating an apple, and getting ready to score with a joyful nurse.

Ass: (rolls his eyes at Cock’s delusion) The next gym is in Cruel-Eon City, right? I can’t wait to get my second gym badge! The first one was really easy! Now that I have the powerful Crimetate, there’s no way I’ll ever lose!

Cock: I know! Whooping my sorry ass was a breeze for you!

Mushy: You won by sheer luck! Peek-At-You should’ve died!

Ass: You wish! Peek-At-You, you’re the strongest, ‘mostest’ valuable Pokemon I’ll ever meet!

Peek-At-You: (blushes modestly) Pii… Pika. (Translation: I know. The same cannot be said about you.)

Ass: (flags his Pokemon down) Ah, what do you know, you stupid rat?

The heroes of this story are suddenly disrupted from their banter when a loud voice echoes from the forest’s treetops.

Woman’s Voice: Prepare for bubbles!

Man’s Voice: And forget all your troubles!

Woman: To protect the world from straight relationships!

Man: To put on a dress and know who the queer is!

From the trees leaps a duo; one is a woman with long, red hair dressed in a man’s jumpsuit while the other is apparently a man dressed in a woman’s dress.

Woman: Messy!

Man: Lame!

Messy: Cream Pocket’s lower than the dirt on your shoe!

Lame: Give us your Pokemon, and we’ll bid you ‘adieu’!

Pokemon: Yeowch, I smell dog doo!

Messy stands, legs spread immodestly while Lame bends over, blushing and holding a pinky at the side of his mouth. In front of them, standing as proudly as a turd in the middle of the street, the cat Pokemon Yeowch leers at the sets of youngsters.

Ass: (sits up with a smile) Well, beat my ass red! It’s a Yeowch!

Mushy: You moron! That’s not just any Yeowch! That’s a member of Cream Pocket!

Ass: Cream Pocket? Explain thyself!

Mushy: Cream Pocket is an organization determined to steal other people’s Pokemon! They are evil!

Ass: They try to steal other people’s Pokemon? Sounds like you would fit right in with them!

Mushy: Fie! I tried to join once, but apparently they have a policy against stealing from each other!

Lame: (with his pinky still at the side of his mouth) Ho ho ho ho! Like you’d ever be a part of Cream Pocket dressed like that! What are you supposed to be? A girl? Pah, I say! Where are your pants? Where is your manliness? (waves his hand) Sweetie, you wouldn’t last five seconds!

Mushy: Screw you! At least I don’t have as many pores on my face as you do!

Lame: You bitch! (sobs and clutches Messy’s legs pleadingly) Messy, she said I have pores! Beat her up for me please!

Messy: (kicks him off of her and rolls up her sleeves) Looks like I’m the only one with the balls to get things done!

Messy storms forward and tackles Mushy to the ground. They scramble over one another, grunting and scratching. At some point, they fall in a puddle of mud. Clothing is shredded in very compromising areas. The boys watch, enthralled by the savagery of it all.

Ass: Would you look at that? How can Mushy do that? Look at how dirty her clothes are now! That’s gonna stain!

Lame: (sobbing frantically, horrified at what he had caused) Oh, stop it, Messy! I wanted her to pay, but I didn’t want this! Stop, or I’ll never be able to clean that absolutely fabulous suit of yours!

Messy: (slugs Mushy across the jaw) You pansy. Make up your mind! How else can we beat these pussies?

Lame: That’s what Pokemon are for! Let’s attack them… with Pokemon!

Messy: Fine. We’ll do it your way… the pussy way.

Ass: I won’t let this go on! Peek-At-You, go!

Peek-At-You jumps from Ass’ shoulder and discharges a lethal dosage of electricity, electrocuting all humans and Cock. Unconscious, they all fall down, leaving only one to confront Peek-At-You.

Yeowch: Now that was a display of power! Why don’t you come join Cream Pocket? I have a very special position I’d like to see you in. Yeowch!

Peek-At-You: Pika pi pi chu chu pika chu! (Translation: I refuse! He may be a goof, but Ass is my friend, my first friend, and my best buddy!)

Yeowch: Well, your friend’s comatose now! And unless you want me to give him one hell of a ‘Fury Swipe’, you’ll listen to what I have to say.

(Jump Scene)

Cream Pocket and Ass and friends have been tied to a tree by Yeowch and Peek-At-You, set to stay there until they work out their differences.

Mushy: I’m sorry I pointed out all the pores on your face, Lame.

Lame: And I’m sorry I said you would never look like a boy. I happen to think you’d make a great transvestite.

Mushy: (smiles) You mean that?

Lame: You bet your sweet ass I do!

Ass: (swoons) Aww~. Isn’t it beautiful, Cock?

Messy: Argh! I’m tied up with a bunch of pussies! (fights the ropes) Where’d that accursed feline even get these ropes?!

From a distance, Yeowch and Peek-At-You watch the captives converse civilly.

Peek-At-You: (smiles) Pika. (Translation: Looks like they’ve all learned their lesson. Should we cut them free now?)

Yeowch: Sure, but after you do me another ‘favor’. Yeowch!

(Jump Scene)

Cream Pocket had taken off the second they were untied, but despite their intervention, they vowed to return and seek revenge with overly-expensive and elaborate schemes.

Ass: Well, I hope that’s the last we see of Cream Pocket. They were quite the big meanies!

Mushy: You said it! Just look at what their appearance cost us! The sun’s setting! We have to be on our way, and we didn’t even get to enjoy our picnic!

Ass: Who gives a crap? Your food sucks anyway!

Mushy: (clunks him on the noggin with her Pokeball containing Dieduck) You’re such an ass, Ass!

Cock: He’s an ass’ ass?

Mushy: Cock, I think it might be best if you don’t try adding to the conversation anymore.

Peek-At-You: Pi. (Translation: I concur.)

Ass: Well, today still wasn’t a total loss. Let’s not forget my bounty!

Cock: Crimetate?

Ass: Well, that. And also this wonderful nail polish! Now let us travel down the road… heading for Cruel-Eon City!

Narrator: Another day in Ass’ journey ends. With Cream Pocket now rearing their heads, has Ass found someone who could very well steal his Pokemon? And what dark secret is Mushy going to reveal to Ass in the next episode?
- 4
- 5
- 6
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Ass' Pokemon Adventure and crap