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Fight Me, Bite Me	By : Rhov Category: +. to F > Fairy Tail Views: 39446 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 3
Disclaimer: Fairy Tail is the property of Hiro Mashima. I make no money, I just do this for my own pleasure.

Chapter List
- 49
- 50
- 51
Audio: http://chirb.it/PaqfcF
Chapter 50
Dissolution
Gray sat in the guild trying to get drunk. He needed to escape the pain in his heart, and he knew a contest with Cana was a good excuse to get wasted.
He tried to count how many beers this made, but his vision blurred. Were those eight glasses? Sixteen? How many were his? Maybe all of them since Cana drank straight from the barrel.
She was taunting him, smirking mockingly, and he glowered back. Gray defiantly picked up a beer mug and chugged it. Cool, malty bitterness flowed over his partially numbed tongue and hit his stomach with a sour feel. He slammed the mug down, gasped for air, and struggled not to vomit it back up.
The room swayed as it spun.
Maybe those were twenty-four glasses. Maybe thirty-two.
"Gray?" He heard his name echoing through a topsy-turvy room.
"It's over."
He wanted to protest. He didn't want it to be over.
"That's it? How pathetic."
Yes. He really was pathetic. For it to end so soon … pathetic.
He heard cheering at the same time as he felt himself falling backward. He must have lost. He was passing out. About damn time.
Instead of falling to the floor, he collapsed into something soft.
"Gray-sama?"
Juvia? Did she catch him?
How pathetic.
Gray gladly accepted the murky darkness and sank away from the pain.
He woke up to feel warmth near him. Maybe it had all been a dream. A nightmare! Natsu was the same as before, none of that horrible drama happened, just an alcohol-induced nightmare. He reached over blindly and felt soft hair. Yes, he wanted Natsu by his side, here in bed with him. This was where he belonged, and this was how Gray preferred to wake up. There was a soft groan, and he smiled to himself.
"Natsu," he sighed in relief.
"Gray-sama?"
Gray leaped straight up and scuttled away, then instantly held his head as the hangover hit him full force. He saw Juvia sitting in a chair by his bed, where she had fallen asleep resting her head on a pillow.
"Wh-Why are you here?" he shouted, but grabbed his head tighter as his voice sounded ten times louder. "We … we didn't … oh God, please tell me we didn't fuck."
Juvia's eyes widened. Then she looked aside with a blushing smile. "Juvia wouldn't do that. Even if Juvia has a love rival, Juvia would still never seduce Gray-sama when drunk."
His heart slowed down. "That's … that's good. Sheesh, that gave me a start."
Juvia looked up sadly again. "Is Gray-sama and Natsu not getting along? We came home from our mission and … there are rumors," she said cautiously.
Gray stared into the shadows of his bedroom, wondering just what people were saying about Natsu's panic attack. He doubted anyone saw the collar, but that was definitely enough to rouse suspicion.
"Juvia did something bad in the past," she admitted contritely, "but Juvia still would rather see Gray-sama happy than like this. Even if it means having Natsu as a love rival, Gray-sama should be happy."
He smiled gratefully, charmed by her maturity. "Thanks, but … I may have messed things up real bad with him."
Her eyes began to water, and she whispered sadly, "Gray-sama." She began to reach out to him.
Gray yanked away. "You know, Juvia…" he blurted out in interruption, not wanting her comfort, feeling he did not deserve to be pitied or even cared for. He saw the longing in her eyes, but it did not melt his heart. "You should find a man who loves you for precisely who you are." He looked aside, and his eyes caught the locked chest containing his kink supplies. Sadly, he muttered, "Not a man like me."
She again reached forward and boldly grabbed his hand, squeezing it in support, ready to protest this self-hatred.
"Do me a favor," he said before she could speak. "Keep an eye on Natsu for me. He doesn't want me around right now, but … but I'm worried for that idiot," he muttered. "You're good at keeping a watch on people, so can you do that much? Just make sure he doesn't do anything stupid."
"What about Gray-sama?" she asked sadly.
He barked out a bitter laugh. "I already did my stupid-mistakes-quota for the year. I just hope if I give him enough time, he'll forgive me someday." They just needed time. He kept telling himself that. He had pushed Natsu into it too soon. They needed time. "Thanks for bringing me home, but I'd like to just rest for now."
Although she looked worried, she nodded silently and left him. Gray rolled over in bed and looked at the pillow. His hand touched where Natsu's head used to rest.
He never knew how cold an empty bed could be until he lost the heat of his dragon.
The next day, Gray sat in the guild hall, having no other place to go. Staying at home reminded him of Natsu. Everywhere he went, it reminded him of Natsu, so he might as well stay here, where all of the memories began, starting with the day Makarov brought in some wild, lost boy with pink hair searching for a dragon.
At least here, there were others to take his mind off of things. Cana was trying to convince someone new to challenge her to a drinking contest. Lucy and Loke were sitting far too close to one another to be merely just friends. Gajeel was glaring at something Levy was reading and too-obviously trying to get her attention. Mira was singing up on the stage while men drooled at her feet. No one had asked Gray about that day, and he was glad because he really did not feel like saying the lie he had invented.
The guild door opened, and Gray almost choked on his drink. Natsu walked in with Happy, and it was obvious neither one was in a good mood.
"Natsu," he whispered, wondering how he should handle this.
Natsu walked to the mission board, scanned it, and grabbed one, taking it to the bar to get approval. Meanwhile, Happy walked up to Gray. His face was a mix of anger and sadness.
"I should scratch you," the Exceed warned, but he turned away with a pout. Gray guessed his claws were restrained only because Natsu had ordered him not to retaliate.
Gray almost wished Happy would scratch him. He deserved at least that much. Maybe he would feel better if someone at least acted on what had happened instead of pretending everything was normal.
Suddenly, Gray realized just how tense the guild had become. No one said anything about him so far, but now that Natsu was in the room, whispers started up all around. Gray sensed eyes turning toward him. He could not hear anything distinctly, but he heard "those two" more than once. Gray wondered how long the guild had just been sitting there, waiting for a confrontation.
However, Gray's focus was purely on Natsu. Was he planning on taking a mission and leaving? That might actually be best. They needed time apart, and at least if they were busy with work, it was a legitimate excuse not to be near one another.
However, once it seemed he got approval, Natsu turned and looked directly at Gray. His throat tensed up at those narrow eyes. He wished Natsu would just leave already, not look at him with that sad expression. As his sandals took the Dragon Slayer slowly over to the side table, Gray felt like bolting. Dread was building with each step. Those eyes told him that this was not going to be a simple "See ya around, ice princess."
Natsu stopped right in front of him and looked down. Gray vaguely realized the whole guild was silent now. Natsu turned an ear, maybe hearing a whisper, but his eyes did not leave Gray's face.
"We need to talk," he said softly.
Gray honestly felt icy chills on his skin. Those were words no one ever wanted to hear.
Still, he stood and follow Natsu when he turned and walked away. They left the guild hall, went behind the building, and hiked up the hill where the Fairy Tail members often practiced. No one was out there, they had a clear view down to the guild, and Natsu would be able to see if anyone followed them to spy on what he had to say.
They stood silently with the wind blowing autumn leaves through the chilly air. There was so much Gray wanted to blurt out, but he feared saying anything at all now. He waited on Natsu, but it looked like he was also struggling and hesitating in fear.
"I'm sorry," he suddenly blurted, unable to handle the silence. "It was an accident. You know I wouldn't … I would never do that to you on purpose."
Natsu's eyes dropped to the side. "I know," he whispered sadly.
"It was a mistake."
His lips tightened. "Yes … it was."
Gray's throat hitched, sensing a lot more to those three words.
"I'm not mad at you."
Hearing that made Gray relax a little.
"Still…"
His tension was right back, worse than before with the sadness hinted in those words.
"Gray…" Natsu's lower lip quivered, and it took him a few moments to say the words that left his mouth like a magic curse he dreaded to speak aloud. "I don't know if we should be together."
Hearing that felt like an icicle stabbing straight into Gray's chest. To be fair, Gray had broken up with many girls; only once had a person broken up with him, his first boyfriend, but they had been together only a short time. Never had he realized just how much something like that hurt.
"What are you saying?" he whispered, his heart pounding a painful tempo. "I … I didn't mean to push you that far, Natsu, really."
"I know that. However… " Natsu definitely looked uncomfortable, like he wished this would be over quickly. "I need to get away from this. It's been bothering me for a while. I know we talked about it, I thought I was over it, but … it still bugs me."
"What does?" he whispered, shivering slightly. No, it couldn't be a breakup. It couldn't!
"All that … stuff … you know, the Checklist of Fucking, the peeing, the chastity belt—"
"We can cut out the piss!" Gray shouted in desperation. "Is … is this about the collar? I'll burn it. I won't ever use it again."
"No," he shouted. "No, Gray, that's not it at all. I'm not mad about that. I mean, I was. I was pissed as hell at you. But that … it was a mistake … and it's not the first one we've made. But this … it started a while back," he admitted. "Around the time you were sick."
"Sick? You mean with gonorrhea?" he whispered in shock. "Way back then?"
"Maybe," Natsu muttered. "That was the beginning of it. It got me thinking, about how you got sick, all those partners you've had." His voice dropped sullenly. "Twenty-seven of them."
"Natsu!"
"I know, it's not fair to hold the past against you, and I don't," he cried out defensively, yet added meekly, "not badly." There were definitely times when those twenty-seven blank faces haunted him, knowing they had a piece of Gray before him. "I just can't stop thinking about that." Natsu tightened up his hands and closed his eyes to hold back the agonizing emotions. "I haven't fully felt comfortable since the beginning, Gray. I feel … unprepared. Inexperienced," he whispered, the same word Gray kept mocking him about in his dreams. "It's like I'm an amateur taking lessons from a professional. When I try finding some equal grounds with romance, you brush it off and slam me back down with your kinks. I know I need them sometimes but … sheesh, not all the time. I don't feel like we're equals at all, and … and I don't like that feeling."
Gray grabbed his arm. "Natsu!"
"It's fine if I'm fighting someone like Gildarts, and I know I don't have as much experience, but this isn't like fighting at all. It's about love, and … and I have no experience. None at all. I've never dated anyone else. Everyone thinks I had a girlfriend, and I've never dated a girl in my life. That time, that mission, when you were changed into a girl … I dunno, something was different. I almost felt like … like … maybe I could."
"Could what?"
"Could … come … inside," he answered hesitantly. "Almost. Not quite, but not as much of a definite hell no. Maybe, with a girl it would be different." Natsu's eyes faded slightly. "It wouldn't remind me of him."
Gray felt stabbed.
Natsu ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm saying this all wrong. It's not about that issue. I just don't know about most of this stuff you like. I mean, you have a whole checklist of things you want to try, and I'm not really sure how much of that I actually want to do."
"That stuff is all negotiable," Gray protested. "I mean, there's stuff on that list that even I don't want to do. I was just trying to be thorough. I don't want to do all of that. You've liked some of it though, right?" he asked hopefully, worried if maybe this whole relationship had been him forcing Natsu into things he actually never liked.
Natsu looked away sullenly. "Some of it, yeah."
"I'm not going to force you. We can adjust so that it's something you want."
"I know," Natsu sighed in a whine. Gray was only making this harder. "Still, that's part of the issue. I don't know what I want. Like wearing the collar in public; I really thought I'd like that. It sounded great on paper, but … but it was too much. And we were in the middle of the guild. I could have exposed us both. I didn't know I'd react that badly. I never know how I might react to something new. I'm … inexperienced."
Gray felt like clutching Natsu and holding him before he snuffed out like a flame in a windstorm. "Natsu, we're both figuring this out as we go."
Natsu yelled angrily, "You're not the one having public panic attacks." He drew up a fist and pressed it to his mouth as he looked away, holding back more. "Sorry. I didn't mean to yell."
"No, I deserve it. To be honest, I'm surprised you haven't punched me for doing that to you."
"Because it wasn't your fault. I didn't think I'd panic. I thought it would be fun. I want you to have fun with your kinks, but … sometimes … they're too much."
"Then tell me—"
"I don't know," Natsu screamed. "I don't know what I like and what I don't. I've never known anyone but you, and no other way of how to do things but your way. I might want another way, but I won't ever know unless I try that way, and I won't know to try it unless someone else does it first. Does that make sense?"
He looked to Gray for an answer, but the ice wizard felt like if he said anything, it would just come out in tears.
"You're … really experienced in that type of stuff, and … and I'm not," Natsu said meekly. "You even said, you've had something around seventy partners and … and I've only had you. I don't think that's fair for either one of us. I don't know what I like, and that means we end up in situations that make me freak out. I know you hate those times—and trust me, I do too—but they happen because I don't even understand my own heart. Erza would say something like, 'You can't know if you like chocolate cake if all you eat is strawberry cake.' We have a good strawberry cake thing going on, but … but I don't know if I want more, or different, or maybe vanilla-strawberry instead of chocolate-strawberry. And I really hate metaphors. They confuse the hell out of me." Natsu looked aside, wishing he could say something that made even a little bit of sense. "I need … to figure out what cake I want," he said quietly. "But before I do that, I need to work through my issues."
Gray shivered. "Your memories," he realized. He almost wished Natsu never remembered whatever happened in the past. It was messing up everything.
Natsu bit on his lip and looked aside angrily. "They fucked me up bad, Gray. I've been struggling my hardest not to show you just how bad it really is. What happened in the past … I don't want you to know," he said decisively.
"Natsu," he whispered, hurt by being shut out like that.
"Not just you. I don't want anyone to know. Ever," he insisted with an angry glare in his eyes.
"If you just turn to me, we can work through—"
"No," he cut in. "Not this time. Don't you get it? For your own safety, I can't let you get near me. I'm not sure if I can even be close to people at all for the moment, not while knowing … what happened … what I did."
"Natsu," Gray whispered, trying to take his hand, but the Dragon Slayer yanked away. "Natsu, I … I want to work through this with you. That's what a boyfriend does," he insisted desperately.
Slowly, Natsu lifted a heartbroken gaze up to Gray. Those miserable eyes froze his heart.
"No…" Gray's throat choked up. His eyes were already stinging. "Are you saying … you … you don't want…"
"I'm sorry, Gray."
He shouted in anger, "You're breaking up with me?"
Natsu's forehead furrowed. "We could get back together later, right? Just a temporary split. Gray, I've gotta work through this on my own. Having you around terrifies me. I … killed someone. More than just that one guy. I'm scared to death I'll do the same to you. That's why I can't sleep, why I'm having nightmares. They're of me killing you." Tears lined his eyes, and he tearfully admitted, "It scares the hell out of me, Gray."
He looked away coldly. On one hand, he never wanted Natsu to cry, and if this was scary, the right thing to do was to make it not as scary. However, when doing that meant breaking up, every fiber in Gray's being was screaming NO!
Natsu continued calmer. "I need to sort this out, and then I need to figure out what I want. Me! Just me. I need to discover what I need instead of being told what to do. It … doesn't have to be forever, though. Just a break. It's like training, but … but for romance."
"But you want to see other people, right?" he asked bitterly, his voice thick with tears he struggled to hold back. The Dragon Slayer did not reply. "Natsu, I…" Gray had to pause before he screamed in anger. He snuffled his nose, barely keeping back a deluge of tears, and said in a quieter voice. "I'm exclusive. Still, I said once that I could compromise a little, so … if you really need … to have another lover—"
"N-No!" Natsu cried out. "No, I…" He realized, that was precisely what he originally meant, but hearing Gray say it was too painful. "I don't know. I tried thinking about it. I mean, I don't think I could make love to a woman, not with my issues, but maybe if it's someone who doesn't want sex, just dating, romance, kisses. That might be nice. Maybe I could work up to the idea of more, little by little. Maybe what I needed from the beginning was to be eased into things instead of plunging in recklessly. I won't know unless I try. Cutting out sex altogether, just a non-sexual romantic relationship, might be better for me. I was trying to do that with us, but then you came with the collar."
"Natsu!"
"It's pretty obvious we can't cut out sex, Gray," Natsu insisted. "Just two weeks and we're driving each other crazy. I can tell, you think I should be over this in just a few weeks, and … and that's not going to happen. This could take me months, years. I may never get to the point where I can be intimate again. And that's not fair on you."
"Let me be the one to decide that," Gray shouted.
"Fine, but … it's not fair on me. I tried to change things up, tried to be more romantic and simple. It wasn't enough for you … was it?"
Gray wanted to protest, but that honestly was the reason he decided to use the collar. Dating alone was not enough.
"I need to heal myself, and right now … I need something else."
"Some-one else," Gray said bluntly and bitterly.
"I guess, yeah," he admitted regretfully. "The problem is, I don't know how to go about doing something like that. How do I … know? About the person? If they're single, if they're gay, if they don't want sex, if they do, if they're … w-willing to restrain me," he ended in a whisper edging toward fear. "I've never dated before, and the thought of it is a bit scary."
"Is that what this is about, then? Just because I've dated more?" he shouted. "Okay, yeah, I slept around. A lot," he admitted hesitantly. "But you're the first person who makes me want to say … how I feel. With you, I can finally express myself." He just wished he could express these searing emotions inside him. Still, even with Natsu about to walk away, Gray could not say the words, and that agonized him. "It's the emotions that count. The rest of it is just kinks, stuff I think I might like, but I've never had a chance to try it. Not until you came along." He rubbed Natsu's arm, wishing he could pull him back. "I feel like I can be myself around you, and … and I don't want to lose that."
Natsu looked up solidly and sadly. "You can be yourself, but … I don't even know who I am. I can't be myself when I don't know what I truly want and what I need. I know what I can't have right now, and it's not fair to you. I know you're holding yourself back—"
"No, Natsu," Gray pleaded, grabbing hold of his arm, wanting to throw himself into the Dragon Slayer's embrace and only barely restraining himself. "I'm not, really."
Natsu sighed plaintively. "Yes, you are. You even said you were. I can tell there's lots of stuff you want to do—"
"Natsu!" he shouted, but Gray forced his emotions back. He needed to keep in control. "I only hold myself back enough so that I don't hurt you. I would never do that."
Natsu looked up with sad eyes and whispered regretfully, "You are hurting me."
He let go and took a step back. He had sensed for so long that Natsu might actually be in more pain than healing in this relationship. Almost from the beginning, he wondered if this was really what Natsu needed. However, when he began to sense that maybe this was unhealthy for Natsu's mental stability, he would tie Natsu closer to him.
He was the one terrified of losing this relationship. He had blinded himself to Natsu's actual needs for so long, he forgot to see them when they were glaring right in his face.
Gray turned aside and looked down the hill. There was Fairy Tail, and the lake, far in the distance was the cathedral, and bustling Magnolia sprawled all around. The air was chilly. Harvest was approaching. There were mutters about the Fantasia festival already. Time really flew, it felt like weeks ago, Natsu had leaped through his window in the middle of the night seeking shelter from a nightmare.
In all these months, he kept blinding himself to what Natsu actually needed.
Or what he didn't need.
He didn't need more pain, and right now…
'You are hurting me.'
With a reticent frown, Gray knew what he needed to do. "You're right. You've been playing along with my kinks since the first day. I rarely give you a chance to discover what you want for yourself, and when you do try, I twist it into my own desires. I just drag you along with me, and I'm scared of the road you want to take. You want a level of romance that I don't think I'm ready to feel, but … that's what you need. It's a need I can't fulfill, not at this time. Maybe we both need to grow up, to heal ourselves. Otherwise, we'll just keep hurting each other. If you really, honestly, feel you need more experience before you can take another step forward…" He gulped hard. "…I can back off."
Natsu flinched slightly, keeping his eyes down, unable to look at Gray directly. He knew if he did, he would only cry, and there was no way he was about to cry in front of Gray. "Then, is this it? Are we breaking up?" he whispered.
"We don't have to go that far," Gray said hesitantly, desperate to hold on to the last thread he had connecting him to Natsu. "We could just—like you said—take a break. A hiatus. We'd both be free to see other people if we want, or return to one another if we want. It'd be … an open relationship," he explained, hiding his disgust at the idea. "Temporarily, at least. It'd give you time to … to discover yourself. Heal yourself. That's what you need, right?"
"I guess," Natsu admitted sadly.
"I stole your innocence before you had a chance to experience things normally. And between us, nothing is normal. We're both so fucked up. I know I've been asking a lot out of you. I went too far," he admitted. That was something Gray had feared from the beginning, going too far, pushing Natsu away. "It … it really isn't fair to you. If you need to date other people…" Please, no! Please, don't make me agree to this. "…I'll support that," he concluded. What else could he say?
Instead of relief, hearing those words hurt Natsu deeply. "You support me cheating on you?"
"It's not cheating if I know about it," Gray reasoned, "and if I approve. But you have to get my approval, okay? Because I'm responsible for you, and I have to make sure you're not hurt. So, if you want a … a substitute…"
"Gray!"
"You have a good point," he cut in. "You've never dated anyone else, and here I go thrusting you into my messed-up, kinky world. Then you want a world that's filled with dinners and stargazing and making out by the fire, and … and I'm not used to that. The level of romance you want terrifies me just as much as the level of kinkiness I want scares you." He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "We've been trying to force each other along our own paths so much, we stopped paying attention to what we both need. Right now, you need someone who can give you … l-love … and I don't know if I can. Not the way you need it. I feel it, but I can't express it properly. At least it sounds like you want me back someday…"
"Of course."
That made Gray happy to hear. "You need to discover yourself; I get that. You need to work through your past, and then figure out where you are in the present, before you can think about what you want in the future. I need to work through my own issues. I'll allow you to experiment on your own. I won't stick my nose in. I won't get into your business if you … if you get … another lover…"
Now Natsu reached out and touched the cold cheek. "Gray, you're ready to cry."
"I'm not ready to cry!" Gray screamed, slapping the hand away. He immediately felt ashamed at the outburst. "Sorry," he muttered. "It's just a bit of a shock." Understatement of the year! "Still, if you need … someone other than me … I'll support you. And I'll still care for you," he swore with all his heart. "I'll be waiting for you, whenever you're ready. Maybe by then, I'll be ready to accept a bit of romance from you. Okay?"
A single tear slid down Natsu's cheek, but that was all he would let fall. "Okay," he nodded quietly. "I … I should be going. I'm going on a mission. It may take a while."
In other words, he was leaving, and Gray hardly blamed him. "I understand," he whispered.
Natsu turned and walked away without another word. Gray watched, clenching his fists and he fought the instinct to reach out, grab his lover by the scarf, and yank him back into his arms. Never had Gray felt fear in a relationship, but right then, on that day, he felt utter terror.
What if Natsu found someone? What if he fell in love? What if he discovered he did not like their kinky activities at all? What if he met a lady who helped him to get over all of his issues, healed those pains of the past, raised his soul out of the darkness, and Natsu fell in love with her, married her, wanted kids with her?
As he watched Natsu walk away, Gray felt the freezing fear that he might never hold the Dragon Slayer in his arms again, and the tears began to pour down his face.
End of Chapter 50
A/N: I'm sure I didn't convey the voices right, not how I hear them in my head, so maybe the audio would help: http://chirb.it/PaqfcF
I’ve had this chapter sitting around since February 2014. I’ve known for almost two years that this was coming. So yeah … Happy Chapter 50? Kidding! But I do want to celebrate a few things.
First is some fan art. Since this site does not allow pictures, links, or a lot of things, if you want to see all of these, please go to my AO3 page (link on my profile, or user name "Rhov").
1) A delightfully morbid scene from Natsu's troubled past: "He … Popped" - http://imgur.com/88kWeE9
2) A collage by becauseyourdrawingsarethebest of some favorite scenes, especially Chapters 7, 30, and 39 (NSFW!) - http://becauseyourdrawingsarethebest.tumblr.com/post/127751876241/fmbm
3) A NSFW pic of Gray using ice cuffs by utsukushihana-3 - https://imgoat.com/uploads/6da2f590cd/176186.png
Also, just to leave you in a solemn yet hopeful mood for these two getting back together, I suggest listening to "Fire and Ice" by Olivia Bray on YouTube: https://youtu.be/K5_ClfdRLWw
One final announcement: It's Nanowrimo time, and I'm participating for my 10th time (http://nanowrimo.org/participants/rhov). As is my tradition, I take November off from fanfiction to focus on the writing contest. Then again, these two are also taking a hiatus, so it matches up well, I think. However, it means you have to wait a month to find out how this turns out. You're lucky, though. Poor Gray has to wait even longer to get back Natsu.
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Fight Me, Bite Me