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Hellsing - Blood Heritage	By : fallenangellet Category: Hellsing > General Views: 20212 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, and I'm not making any money from this. It is strictly for my own amusement.

Chapter List
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I don't own Hellsing, and I'm not making any money from this.

"Why is that willis thing so happy all the goddamn willis time?"

The Jackal's voice was harsh as he glared up at the sun that shown out over 'spirit world'. It was always smiling, laughing, or dancing, no matter what was happening.

Lasher pouted. "The Lasher likes the happy sun! It is being so bouncy all the time! Whys you have to be so mean?"

"Don't be a willis baby." Jackal admonished. "It's annoying willis."

Harkonnen floated over to them. "Leave the boy alone." he said in his deep, reverberating voice. "You are mean."

"Shut your fucking hole willis!"

The rotund spirit bristled. "I am not 'willis'. I am the great and all powerful Baron Vladimir Harko..."

"I know your willis name!" The Jackal shouted at him.

Harkonnen slumped and hovered a bit lower to the ground. "Please?" he said in a small voice.

"Don't cower to 'im." a young woman with flowing blonde hair and shining silver armor said. " 'e's juzt being a bully."

"Lasher belongs to me willis. I can be a willis bully if I willis want." Jackal retorted.

The young black haired spirit jumped up. "Hey! The scary man belongs to mistress too! So that means Jackal has to do what the Lasher says!"

"I do not willis!"

"Do too!"

"DO WILLIS NOT!"

"DO TOO!"

The blonde woman stared at them. "You two are acting zo stupid."

"Hey!" Jackal exclaimed, jerking Lasher behind him. "Talk about my willis boy like that, and I'll tear your face off willis!"

"Bring eet, Jackal!"

"That's quite enough." another voice intruded.

It was an older, distinguished looking gentleman in a three piece suit. He sat at a large round table that looked very out of place on the pastel colored grass. When the other spirits continued to bicker amongst themselves, he narrowed his eyes.

"I said that's enough!" he said. A gavel appeared in his hand, and it banged it on the table to get their attention. "I'm calling this meeting to order."

Nyx rested her elbows on the table and stared at him dreamily. "Oliver Cromwell, you are so sexy when you get all official."

Cromwell blinked at her. "I beg your pardon?"

"You heard me. I said you're sexy." she repeated. "Can I touch your gavel?"

The older spirit snatched up the wooden object and held it to his chest protectively. "You most certainly may not! We have serious business to attend to here!"

Nyx deflated, and Cromwell went back to getting the other spirits to stop fighting.

"Order, I say!" he banged his gavel a few more times, then raised his voice angrily. "Order, damn it!"

The other spirits finally quieted down, and he straightened his jacket.

"Thank you. Now, we have a serious situation on our hands, and all of us will have to be at the ready. War is upon us, and our owners will need our help."

The Jackal sat up straighter. "It's about willis time! I'm ready to blow some shit up willis!"

"Jackal always wants to blow things up!" Lasher whined.

On the other side of the table, Harkonnen was sheepishly nudging the armored female spirit. "Hey Joan? I got you something."

Joan blinked at him. "Zomezhing for moi? What iz eet?"

The large spirit blushed and handed her a cage. Inside was a scrawny, hairless cat, hooked up to all sorts of tubes and wires. The woman just stared at it.

"Um... zhank you?" she cautiously took the cage. "I'll... take good care of eet."

"Will you lot please pay attention?" Cromwell said, getting exasperated. The others finally quit, and looked back at him. "Now, I believe our best option is to divide and conquer. Joan?"

The armored spirit snapped to attention. "Oui, sir?"

"You tell Bernadette to get the soldiers prepared for battle. Harkonnen and Jackal will inform their vampires, and Nyx and Lasher will have Syn and Edmund get the weapons ready. I'm going to pay a visit to Integra."

Nyx gaped at him. "She's at Naval Command though! How are you going to see her?"

"Computer screens are reflective, love." Cromwell reminded her.

"Oh. Duh." the female spirit said, then paused and beamed happily. "You called me love!"

The older man just sighed and looked up at the happy sun dancing in the sky overhead. "Let's just all get our jobs done, shall we?"

Syn and the others were still in Ed's office. They had just received word that the Astute was successful in her mission to sink the Eagle. But there was only a brief moment to breathe a sigh of relief before all hell broke loose.

"Eddie!"

Pip jumped. "What zhe bloody 'ell...?"

Ed immediately doubled over in his seat and buried his face in his hands. "Oh God, here it comes... Nyx? Where are you?"

"Eddie, we seriously need to talk about this 'no mirrors in the office' thing." Nyx's disembodied voice rang out. "This is getting ridiculous."

"Okay, fine, we'll talk about it. But where are you now?" he asked with a huff.

"Take off your glasses, smart one!"

That was an interesting solution to no mirrors being around, Syn thought. Ed pulled off his eyeglasses and spoke to the spirit only he could see.

"What is it?"

"Well, it's really long and complicated." They all heard Nyx say. "But we really need a mirror to do this." she paused. "A big mirror."

"Hey! I heard that!" A voice the redhead never heard before shouted.

Seras' eyes widened in recognition. "Harkonnen! Are you in there too?"

"Everybody's here." Nyx snapped. "Hence why we need the big mirror!"

Holy hell, all the gun spirits were showing up? Lasher popped up with Syn a lot just to hang out, but he usually came to warn her about things. If all of them were coming... it was probably something they shouldn't ignore.

"I have a full sized mirror in my office." The redhead offered. "We could move over there."

Simply for the sheer curiosity of figuring out what the hell all the spirits wanted, the group of them moved to Syn's office down the hall to continue the conversation. Once there, Nyx immediately popped into the large mirror Syn kept for Lasher.

"Okay, first of all, Syn, I've got to tell you, you did a super-awesome job with Cromwell." the spirit said with a flourish. "That man is hot shit on a stick. Like... he looks so damn good, I could eat him for breakfast!"

Remembering the last conversation they had about gun spirits mirroring relationships, Edmund's cheeks went pink. But before anyone could ask about Cromwell being out, Lasher appeared looking aghast.

"Nixie wants to eat Cromwell!"

"No Lasher." she said, rolling her eyes. "It's a figure of speech. It means I want to jump his bones."

The young, black haired spirit looked even more horrified if that were possible. A look of pure irritation crossed Nyx's features.

"For the love of..." she leaned down and whispered something in the boy's ear. Lasher's eyes widened in understanding.

"Ohhh... But yous told Lasher spirits couldn't do that!"

Nyx suddenly became very interested in examining her fingernails. "I might possibly have lied."

Lasher blinked, then looked upset. "But that's so mean! Why is you..." he stopped and went very still.

"That's right." the female spirit proclaimed, biting her tongue between her teeth. "Butt-sex, Lasher. Butt-sex."

"MISTRESS!"

The police girl leaned over towards Syn. "Um... Do I want to know what they're talking about?"

Edmund cleared his throat. "Apparently gun spirits mimic the relationships of their owners." he paused. "Sort of."

The redhead couldn't help it. He totally left it wide open. "Is that why Nyx wants to jump Cromwell's bones, Eddie?" she asked, using the name he hated.

Her cousin glared her down. "Don't make me hurt you."

In the mirror, Lasher was still wailing, and the Jackal showed up, looking angry as hell. The only reason Syn recognized him was because he looked exactly like a pissed off version of Bruce Willis.

"What the fuck did you tell him willis!" he demanded.

"Nononononono!" Lasher shouted as he jumped behind Nyx to hide. "The Lasher is staying over here, and Jackal stays over there! No butt-sex for the Lasher!"

The Jackal narrowed his eyes at Nyx. "Do you know how willis hard it is to get him to stop willis screaming when he freaks out willis!"

"The Jackal?" Seras questioned, her mouth threatening to pull into a grin. She let out a small snort as she looked at Alucard. "Your gun is... Bruce Willis..."

The master vampire shot her a hard look. "Don't you dare laugh, police girl."

She immediately dropped the amused look on her face, but Pip couldn't help it. It was too damn funny.

"Zhould I get zome popcorn or zomething?" he asked.

"Non!" Another voice said as a female spirit dressed out in full, old fashioned armor popped up. "Zhere iz no time for zhis 'popcorn' buziness." she looked over at Nyx. "And 'arkonnen iz not fat. 'e's fluffy."

"I didn't say he was fat!" Ed's spirit protested. "I just said we needed a big mirror! He is a big guy, you know."

"Call it like it is willis." Jackal said, putting his hands on his hips. "He's fat."

"I resent that!" The spitting image of Baron Harkonnen from Dune boomed as he appeared.

"You willis resemble it too."

"Did zomezhing crawl into your arze zhis morning?" the blonde spirit demanded. "Whatz your problem?"

The Jackal turned on her. "Don't willis start with me, saint girl! I have no willis problem with ripping you a new one willis!"

Sweet mother of god, they argued like a bunch of five year olds. Syn stepped forward and held up her hands.

"Stop it!" she shouted. All the spirits stopped fighting and looked at her. She studied the two spirits who looked like Brice Willis and the actor from Dune. "So, you're the Jackal, and you're Harkonnen." she turned her attention to the woman in armor. "And... you must be the spirit of the Fluer de Lis?"

The female spirit brightened at being recognized. "Oui! I am."

Pip blinked in surprise. "You're... my gun?"

"I am zhe zpirit of your gun, oui." she replied. "Joan d'Arc, at your zervice. But you may juzt call me Joan."

Bernadette looked stunned. "Joan d'Arc?" he repeated, looking like he wasn't quite sure what to think. "Az een... zhe patron zaint of France, Joan d'Arc?"

"Oui."

Oh, that was too funny for words. Pip, the great pervert, had a saint living in his gun. Syn and Seras exchanged a look, then burst out laughing. Joan heard it and immediately whirled on them. A long stream of angry sounding French poured from her mouth, giving the redhead the impression she was being cussed out.

"What did she just say?" she asked Pip carefully.

The Captain gave her a look. "You really don't want to know." he replied, then glanced back at the spirit. "I.. uh... didn't zhink a zaint would talk zhat way..."

The woman sniffed. "I waz only made a zaint after I waz executed for 'eresy. I waz a zoldier first."

"Which brings us to why we're all here." Nyx spoke up. "You guys need to start getting ready."

"Ready?" Ed questioned, narrowing his eyes.

Lasher started jumping up and down. "There is lots and lots of bad peoples coming this way! Yous is all in eminence danger!"

The Jackal grabbed the boy by the shoulders. "Im...mi...nent willis." he said slowly. "Imminent."

Lasher blinked. "Imminent danger!" he corrected. "Mistress and cousin Eddie needs to get the guns ready!"

"Oui! And zhe zoldiers muzt be prepared for zhe battle!"

"We're gonna blow some willis shit up willis!"

Harkonnen fist pumped in the air. "Time to start ripping out the heart plugs and make 'em bleed!"

Everything stopped. All the spirits looked at Harkonnen and stared. Syn swore up and down she heard crickets chirping. The large floating spirit blinked at them.

"What?" he asked innocently. "You guys don't like pulling out heart plugs?"

The Jackal cocked his head to the side. "I think that's the first willis time you've said something I agree with willis."

Nyx's face pulled into a goofy grin. "Awww... Kodak moment! Lasher! Get the camera!"

Lasher reached behind him, pulled one of those cameras with quick developing snapshots out of nowhere, then snapped a picture before anyone could stop him. He then tossed the device up into the air for Nyx to catch and tackled Jackal with a bear hug.

"The Jackal is being nice! Lasher is so happy!"

"Oh my willis God, get off me willis!" The Jackal exclaimed, flailing his arms as he hit the ground with the boy firmly attached to him. "Get. Willis. OFF!"

Watching them from the side, Nyx giggled mischievously. "Butt-sex, Lasher!"

The boy let out a shrill, girlish scream of terror and bolted to the other side of the mirror while Nyx cackled. Jackal pushed himself up looking pissed again.

"Why the willis hell do you do that willis!" he shouted. "Now he's willis scared!"

"Because it's funny as hell."

Joan blinked at her. "I zhought Jackal waz evil, but zhat's juzt awful."

She looked to Harkonnen for backup, but the large spirit just floated backwards, shaking his head. "Don't look at me. I'm staying out of this."

Okay... Syn thought. So all the gun spirits were batshit crazy. And she had made most of them. She seriously hoped that wasn't a reflection of her character.

"Um..." Ed began, looking at the mirror. "Maybe we should leave them alone and go sound the alarm?"

"I think that might be a good idea."

Okie dokie, so... I originally intended this chapter to be more serious, but you know how spirits are. They tend to do whatever the hell they want. So they kind of... took this away from me and turned it into something else. I should probably start keeping them on a leash. It was about time for a break from all the serious stuff anyway.

If you know where the caged cat and heart plugs come from, you get cyber pizza and brownies!
- 53
- 54
- 55
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Hellsing - Blood Heritage