A Gift of Love

I just remembered something…for my Ren costume, I have to make a wig. –cries- Ren, you know I love you, but I hate your gravity-defying tongari when I have to style it! xD

I used “Broken” by Seether featuring Amy Lee of Evanescence to write this. I know, another duet. I just can’t deprive myself of them. xD

Notes: I just want you all to know, suicide is NOT something I take lightly. It’s very serious. It’s something that so many people have to deal with that it’s horrifying. I hope that none of you ever have to experience those types of feelings.

Due to the suicidal/angst themes of this chapter, some readers may be disturbed by Pin-Mei’s actions. This is a warning.

I’ll just re-establish the ages at this point: Ren – 19; Pin-Mei – 18; Rong – 22; HoroHoro – 21; Li – 20; It is currently mid-December 2005.

Underage swearing. (what?)

Sex talk.

The title is not capitalized for a reason. It’s supposed to show weakness by not having an uppercase letter to guide the rest. Yeah, I’m dumb.

I’m going to make a video game reference. I’m sorry if many of you don’t get it.

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A Gift of Love – Chapter Fifty-Nine: …broken…

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The night was dark and rainy. Only black could be seen out the windows as Ren looked around the castle for Pin-Mei. She had been staying in her own room as of late, but she wasn’t there when he went to see her. Finally, he went to the room he should have searched first – his own.

He opened the door, allowing light from the hall to seep in and give the room some illumination. She was standing in the middle of it, her back turned to him.

“There you are. I was looking for you.” His voice was gentle. It had been for months now.

She turned to look at him, tears streaming down her face. He squinted at her. She was holding something in her hands.

“Pin-Mei? What is that?”

Some light reflected off of it. His eyes widened.

It was his Kwan Dao.

“I’m sorry Lord Ren…Please don’t hate me…” she whispered. “I don’t want to cause you any more trouble…I’m sorry I’m not of any use to you anymore…that I can’t do the thing that I was chosen to do…” She seemed to try to smile, but couldn’t. Those muscles had weakened months ago. “Goodbye…”

She turned and started bringing the blade closer to her neck. Her eyes closed as she held it and swung it back.

“NO!!!!”

He ran over to her and grabbed the hilt of his weapon. She refused to let go, holding onto the pole as tightly as she could. Realizing he couldn’t be gentle if he wanted to separate her from the tool that almost caused her death, he shut his eyes and put his foot on her chest in the valley between her breasts and pushed her away. She tumbled backwards, falling to the floor and rolling into a shelf of porcelain.

“Oh shit…”

He watched helplessly as it fell on top of her, the small figurines shattering on the floor.

“Pin-Mei’s turtledove was on that shelf…”

He looked at the Kwan Dao and, not knowing what else to do, thrust it out the window. It hadn’t been open, so it smashed the panes of glass as it fell to the ground outside. Relieved that she couldn’t hurt herself with it anymore, he ran over and threw the shelf off of her.

“Pin-Mei…Oh God…”

Ren knelt down and started helping her up. Her face was bleeding where the glass had cut her. He looked down and saw the small porcelain bird laying near her. Its right wing had broken off.

“Why…Why did you stop me?” she sobbed. “I want to die…”

He stared at her. This wasn’t the cheerful Pin-Mei he knew and loved. She had been stolen. Replaced by an imposter. Where was his Pin-Mei? The one who could smile and laugh about everything, even when things weren’t going her way? The one who cared so much about her friends? The one who told him she loved him whenever there was a moment of silence between them?

The sound of moving porcelain brought him back. He looked down and saw her holding a large, sharp piece over wrist. He watched as she drove it down into her skin, the blood instantly spilling out onto the carpet. She took it out, holding it in position to bring it down a second time. Ren swatted it away from her.

“What are you doing?!” he screamed at her. “How could you do something so stupid…so selfish…SO FUCKING RETARDED??!!”

“I’M NO GOOD TO YOU ANYMORE!!!” she screamed back. “JUST LET ME GO AND BE WITH MY PARENTS!!!!”

His eyes widened and he struck her in the neck, knocking her out, her body going limp in his arms.

He stared at her before his eyes welled up with tears, and he shamelessly began sobbing into her hair.

“This is…just a nightmare…Pin-Mei wouldn’t do this…She wouldn’t want to leave…want to leave me here…by…my…self…” He screamed to let out his angst and allow him to calm down. He breathed deeply and stroked her hair, his cheek pressing on the side of her head. “Please…Come back to me, Pin-Mei…Be your happy self again…Please…”

His parents burst into his room.

“We heard smashing,” his father said.

“And screaming…” Ran added hesitantly.

They looked around the room at the shattered porcelain, the broken window, and the blood coming from their future daughter-in-law.

“Ren…What happened here?”

Ren looked at his father in horror, then at the still body in his lap.

“Pin-Mei…She…”

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“WHAT?!” Rong cried. “You’re kidding! Lying! Pin-Mei would never do something like that! It was just a nightmare, like you said! There’s no way in hell…”

Ren shook his head. “No matter how many times I tried to wake myself up, the shelf was still empty, and the servants were still replacing the window.”

“Wow…” HoroHoro whispered. “What the hell happened to her?”

Ren bowed his head. “It’s…It’s my fault. I kept telling her that she couldn’t get pregnant before she was twenty-one. I pushed her. She started taking her hormone-negation pills twice a month. Then every week. Then three times a week. Eventually, she was taking them every single day. Because of that…” He clutched the knees of his pants.

“No…” Rong whispered. “You can’t mean…”

“The doctor said she’s permanently infertile,” he whispered. He covered his face. “If I hadn’t been so hard on her…I wouldn’t have driven her to this…Her dream is ruined because of me…”

HoroHoro looked at them as if they were stupid. “So just have her stop taking the pills. She’ll go back to normal eventually, right?”

Ren shook his head. “She realized there was something wrong after she ran out of them one day. Her grandparents said it would take three months to grow enough herbs to accommodate for how much she was taking per month. During those three months…she didn’t menstruate once. That was six months ago. She still hasn’t. She won’t eat, won’t sleep, and hardly ever leaves her bed. She’s withering away. I would go see her, but she would just cry, apologizing to me for not being able to have children. She feels like it was her sole purpose in our relationship, like that was why we were set up in the first place; she would give my family children to continue on. I don’t think Zhang put that idea in her head. I think she may have just assumed that it was her duty as the female in the relationship to have children.”

“I don’t get why she’s so dead set on that, though,” HoroHoro said. “I mean, I guess it’s important, but it seems like she’s making that more important than you loving her. I mean seriously—,”

“Shut up, Japan boy. Mommy and Daddy are talking,” Rong said putting her hand over his nose and mouth.

“Mommy, Daddy’s face matches his hair!” Xue said giggling. Her mother sighed and let go of him.

“China’s different, HoHo,” she said turning away. “In many families, the job of the wife is to give birth to a strong, healthy son to continue the family. Girls aren’t wanted as much. There’s a ‘one child only’ rule in effect because of overpopulation. Each family can only have one child. So the parents always want a boy. Families like the Wei and Tao family can get away with having more than one because they live away from other people, so it doesn’t really matter how many children they have. But to Pin-Mei…not being able to have children…she feels like without that ability, there’s no reason for Ren to keep her around.”

“Shit…” the Ainu whispered looking down.

“Shit…” Xue repeated as she mimicked her father.

“HOROKEU!!!!” Rong roared. “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING TEACHING OUR DAUGHTER LANGUAGE LIKE THAT?!”

He panicked and looked around for a way out.

“R-Rong! I didn’t mean to!! She’ll probably forget it in five minutes!!”

“Shit shit shit shit…” the toddler said in a singsong voice. “Uncle Ren, wanna sing the Shit Song with me? I just made it up!” She beamed.

Ren sighed and looked at the floor. “Not right now, Xue. Some other time.”

Rong looked back at the HoroHoro, eyes flaring. “YOU DUMMY!!” She grabbed his arm and whipped him across the room. Then she stomped over to him and grabbed him by the collar. “You aren’t going to stop until she knows all of them, are you? First it was ‘fuck’, now it’s ‘shit’. What’s next?”

“Bitch,”

“That better not have been directed at me!”

Ren sighed. “Will you guys get back over here? If you’re going to fight then just go home. I have enough of my plate.” He looked at Xue. “Are they always like this?”

She nodded. “Only it’s usually at night.”

He looked at her questionably. “At night?”

“Yeah-huh. I’ll be in my bed, and I can hear them yelling in their room.”

“How utterly horrible.”

Rong strolled up to them dragging her fiancé. “She’s in her room, right? I’m going to talk to her…”

Ren shook his head. “She’s not there.”

“Where is she, then? Your room?”

He looked away. “The bottom floor – the underground.”

“The…bottom…floor…?” she whispered, her eyes widening. “WHY THE HELL DID YOU LOCK HER UP?!”

“It was En. He decided that she should stay in there until she ‘snaps out of it.’ It’s so she doesn’t hurt herself.”

“The hell…” She walked over and slapped him. “How. Dare. You.” she said looking him in the eye. “How the hell could you allow your fiancée to be chained up like that? Don’t you love her? Or are you falling out of love because she’s going through a depression?”

“Of course I love her!” Ren cried. “I had no idea what else to do! I didn’t want her to hurt herself! Even if she has to live down there, at least she’ll be safe and far away from anything that could cut her!”

There was silence. Rong was pacing, nodding her head angrily. She stopped in front of Ren.

“When you were locked up down there, what had you done to deserve it?”

He looked at her, a little confused. “I was going against my father…Why?”

“Is that the same as trying to commit suicide?”

“What?”

“You were doing something you knew would get you in trouble. Are you on the same level as Pin-Mei? Did she not save you from that hell hole even after you tried to rape her? And you can’t even do the same when she’s in trouble?”

“What…?”

“Aokun, cover Xue’s ears.”

He nodded and did as she said.

She turned back to Ren and slapped him again, obviously irritated. “If someone feels so low, so crappy, so shitty that they feel the need to end their life, how do you think it makes them feel to be chained up like an animal in a dark, cold dungeon without a comfortable bed to sleep in? Without anyone to hold their hand? TO BE ALL ALONE?!”

His eyes widened. He clasped his right hand over his mouth. “Shit…what have I done…”

Rong smiled at him. “Get some food for her. I’ve dealt with her ‘I’m not going to eat’ tantrums before. I’ll get her to do it. Promise. Now, let’s go.” She looked around. “Call Li.”

He looked at her quizzically. “Why don’t you?”

“I’m no longer her sister. She won’t listen to me.”

“Oh…What do you want her for?”

“I want her to watch Xue while we go see Pin-Mei.”

Li was called, and Xue was handed over.

“Hey Auntie Li! I haven’t seen you in a real long time!” the toddler cried hugging her leg.

The Wei guard looked down at her. “I’m not your Aunt,” she said robotically.

Xue stared at her for a few moments. “Silly Auntie!” she cried.

Rong looked at Li with a pained expression on her face. When a servant brought some food for them to bring to Pin-Mei, she quickly took it and left the room. Ren and HoroHoro followed.

“Which cell is she in?” she asked.

Ren paused. “She’s in the Ryuyou no Ma.”

She glared at him as if she was about to tell him off, but he was staring at the ground with those despondent eyes again as he walked. She knew that smacking him around more wouldn’t change anything. He already knew he had done the wrong thing. No…not that…he knew that he should have done more to protect her.

“Move aside,” Ren said to the kyonshii blocking the entrance. They obeyed him and opened the door.

Rong was only a little surprised when he sprinted into the room toward the dragon shaped chair on the far wall. Pin-Mei was chained to it, her arms locked over her head. He ran and knelt on it before her. She was clad in a black satin nightgown with long flowy sleeves. Her body was thin, her skin chalk white. She was also taller from when Rong had seen her last, now about 5’4”.

Slowly, he touched the bottom of her chin and gently tilted it up so he could look at her face, which had been hidden by her hair, which now reached her knees. Her eyes were faded, as if there was no longer a soul.

“Pin-Mei…” He quickly clutched her and held her close to him. “I’m so sorry…I never should have allowed this to happen…I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled.

He pulled back and looked at her. New tears were falling from her eyes.

“I made you mad, right? That’s why you hit me last night. It’s alright…I deserved it. I’m sorry that I displease you, Lord Ren. I’ll try harder... Just please don’t hate me.”

He shook his head. “I’m not mad, don’t worry,” he whispered stroking her cheek. “And I’ve told you before, you don’t have to call me Lord Ren. Just Ren is fine.” She wouldn’t even look at him. When he kissed her, it was like when she died; her lips wouldn’t mold to fit his. Grief stricken, he leaned in so his forehead was touching hers. “Can’t you understand that I love you regardless of what you can and can’t do?” She didn’t reply.

“Lord Ren?” Rong repeated as she came up behind him. “When did she start calling you that?”

He looked at her sadly. “A few months ago. It’s the only thing she calls me.”

She sighed. “Oh Pin-Mei…” She turned to Ren. “May I?”

He nodded slowly and got up as she took his place. She set the plate down between her and her former mistress.

“Good afternoon, Milady. It’s chow time. Let’s see what we have here…” She picked up the plate and pretended to smell it. “Wow! The cooks have really outdone themselves this time! Check it out! It’s all your favorites!”

Pin-Mei didn’t even look up. Ren looked over the former maid servant’s shoulder doubtfully.

“Are you sure this is going to work?”

“Of course,” she replied. “I know Pin-Mei like I know Xue. She’s like my first child. I know how to get to her.” She took some chopsticks out and picked up a small piece of meat with them. With a careful, steady hand, she brought it up to the girl’s mouth, the tender cut of food pushing against her lips.

When they didn’t part, Rong leaned up to Pin-Mei’s ear and began humming a hauntingly beautiful tune into it. Ren watched in amazement as her eyes opened a little more and she looked up at the ceiling. When Rong resumed her position and again tried to feed her the meat, she accepted it slowly, chewed it, and then swallowed.

Rong smiled and stroked her cheek. “There’s a good girl. I bet Ren’s proud of you.”

He tensed.

“He…He is?”

“Of course. You’re being such a good girl after all,” Rong said in a soothing voice.

“I’m a good girl…”

“That’s right. You’ll be an even better girl if you eat everything on this plate.”

“I will…?”

“Oh yes. So let’s get going.”

“O…Okay…”

Twenty minutes later, the plate was empty.

“Geez, Rong! How’d you do that?” HoroHoro cried.

She looked at the scion. “I actually have Ren to thank for that little trick.”

He looked surprised. “Me?”

She nodded. “When she came over here the first time, she found a music box in your mother’s room. She loved the melody, but it would sometimes make her fall asleep.” She smiled. “Whenever she was bothering you, you would get the music box and open it so the music would play and she would fall asleep.

“When we got back home, she refused to eat unless we took her to your house again. It was my job to make sure she ate, so I was worried that I wouldn’t fulfill my duty. Then, I started absentmindedly humming the melody from the music box, and she suddenly ate whatever I gave her. Remember that.”

He nodded. Rong walked over to him and took out a vial. He blinked at it. “You still wear your Wei armor?”

She froze, then chuckled. “Force of habit I suppose…Anyway, drink this and then transfer it to Pin-Mei through her mouth. I won’t be able to give it to her otherwise.” She handed it to him.

Ren studied it. “What is this going to do?”

“Make her go to sleep.”

“You…sure it’s safe…?”

“Oh course it is. Ren, she needs it. Look at her. I can’t even tell when the last time she slept was. If you don’t give this to her, she may die of exhaustion.”

The moment the word “die” met his ears, he chugged the liquid and walked over to his fiancée. He gently opened her mouth and then covered it with his. As it flowed from his mouth into hers, she swallowed it obediently. When he pulled away, her half-lidded eyes were looking up at him with childlike innocence.

“Lord Ren…Am…Am I a good girl?” she asked softly.

He looked at her with pained eyes, then tried to smile as he leaned over and cupped her cheek. “Of course you are. You’re my good little girl.”

He kissed her softly. When he looked at her again, he saw that, ever so slightly, the corners of her mouth were trying to turn up. She closed her eyes and her head fell as she drifted off to sleep.

“Your voice is so gentle with her,” Rong observed.

“I have to be,” he said. “If I raise my voice even a little, she thinks she did something unforgivable and starts crying.”

She studied his face. “You’re so tired.”

“It’s hard to sleep when the person you love is so unhappy.”

She put her hand on his shoulder, shaking it a little. “Then be her strength, Ren. You have the ability to make her happy. I’ve seen it before, and I want to see it again. Work your magic.”

“The magic’s run out.”

“Luckily, I have plenty of Ethers.”

Ren smirked and looked at the miracle worker. “Now what?”

“First off, get the key and unlock her. Being in this damp and dirty place will only make her sick and her mood worse. Then…” She stopped as she watched Ren stroll over to where the chains were bolted into the stone wall and began pulling on them. “What are you doing?”

“En is the one with the key,” he grunted out as he concentrated on separating the metal and stone from each other. “He won’t give it to me if I ask, so I’m improvising.”

“Ren, that’s impossible, even for you,” Rong tried to reason with him. “You’re just going to hurt yourself. At least try asking your father for the key before you go off like this.”

“I’ve done it once for her, and I’ll do it again, Goddammit!” he yelled. But it wasn’t budging.

Last time I broke chains, the wall was plaster. Stone is so much different…so much harder. No, I’m going to do this.

But as he tried even harder, the bolts still wouldn’t budge.

Why can’t I do this? I’m so much stronger now than I was then…

Adrenaline. The sense of urgency to save her wasn’t there. That time, she was about to be raped. Now, she was in no real danger.

I have to remember how I felt then…

“LIKE HELL I’M GOING TO LET THAT HAPPEN!!”

His eyes shot open as he began pulling on the chains once again. HoroHoro watched as a vein in his arm looked about ready to burst.

“Ren! Stop it! You’re going to hurt yourself!”

“SHUT UP! I’M GOING TO DO THIS!”

A few moments later, the bolts snapped and the first cuff fell from her wrist. Not stopping for an instant, he went to the other chain and began pulling on it just as hard, if not harder, than he did the first one. Sweat dropped down his forehead as his gritted his teeth. His arm sockets felt as if they would give way at any moment, but he wouldn’t give up.

Finally, the plaque holding the chain to the wall broke away, freeing his fiancée from her shackles. Rong caught her as she fell forward, no longer being held up by the iron confines.

Ren staggered and fell into the chair. He withstood the pain in his arms for a few more moments as he reached out to Rong, wanting her to lay Pin-Mei on his lap. She did, placing the girl’s head on his chest as if he were sleeping next to her. He smiled weakly as he tried to breathe normally again.

“Pin-Mei…”

Rong smiled for a moment, then let it fade.

“If she’s staying in bed all the time, how is she being bathed?”

Ren breathed deeply a few times before he answered her. “Servants come in every other day and take her to be washed.”

“When was the last time?”

“She should have one today.”

“Perfect. You’re going to be the one bathing her.”

“Oh, okay…” he said as he looked sleeping girl beside him. Then he snapped his head up. “WAIT, WHAT?! I can’t do that! Do you know what everyone here would say if they knew I did that?”

Rong folded her arms. “Stop acting like you’ve never seen her naked before.”

“I…I haven’t.”

She looked at him as if to ask him if he was serious. “How dumb do you think we are? You two had sex the night we watched the Shaman Fights. Don’t deny it. I even helped her seduce you, so I know all about it.” She sighed. “While we’re on the subject, when was the last time you--,”

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”

“AKA, a really long time ago,” HoroHoro said nodding.

She cocked her eyebrow. “What makes you Dr. Love all of a sudden?”

He folded his arms and grinned. “I’m a love machine. We know everything.”

She tossed her head away from him. “Of course you do…”

“Do not question my knowledge, mortal!”

She motioned to her belt. “I’ll use the whip.”

He cowered. “Yes ‘um. Shutting up.”

“Good boy. You get a treat when we go home.”

Ren stared at them. Is this relationship even remotely healthy?

“Six months,” she said.

He stared at her. “What?”

“That’s how long it’s been.”

His eyes were wide. “H-How did you know that?!”

She laughed. “It was a guess. You only confirmed it.”

He looked away from her sheepishly.

“Holy shit! Dude! How are you surviving?!” the blue boy exclaimed. He cried into his arm. “It’s so sad!”

Rong started detaching the whip. He whimpered.

“Behave.”

He looked at the ground. “Yes, dear.”

She cleared her throat. “Anyway, yes, I want you to wash her. As weird as it may sound, it can be viewed as a bonding experience of sorts. She has to trust you to be gentle with her body. After that…see if you can get her to…”

“BOW CHICKA WOW WOW!!”

She punched him. “SHUT UP!!”

He grabbed his head in pain. “Wasn’t that what you meant?”

She suddenly softened. “Oh yeah. It was.”

Ren stared at her. “You want me to force her to have sex with me after all this shit she’s been through?”

Rong shook her head. “You misunderstand me, Ren. I mean it as a way for you to tell her that you love her no matter if she can have children or not. I think it would be the ultimate way of showing her. …Shan once told me that it’s an act that’s meant to bring two people that love each other even closer together. Both of you need that. By no means am I asking you to force her. Make some advances and see if she lets you. If not, wait a few days and try again. You just have to make sure she knows that you’re doing it because of what it means emotionally.

“For now, take her up to your room and let her sleep on her side with you behind her. She won’t be instantly cured after just some food and a little sleep. She’s still going to be weak and sad. What she needs, more than ever, is you by her side. Put your arm around her. Let it be the thing she wakes up to. After that, give her the bath. Have some of the maid servants dry her hair and such, then bring her back to your room and see what happens.”

He looked away. “I don’t like this…It feels cruel to ask that of her.”

“Then don’t do it. I can’t make you listen to me; all I can do is offer you advice. I just…hate…seeing you two like this…” She covered her face with her hand.

HoroHoro leaned over, trying to look at her eyes. “Rong?”

She finally removed it, revealing a few tears. “Sorry…It’s just…It’s not fair. Nothing is ever perfect for long with them, and it’s not fair. Something always happens, they always get torn apart somehow…What couple deserves that? Why can’t they just get their happy ending like we did?” She wiped her tears away with her palm, sighing. “Oh God…I’m hopeless.”

Ren looked to Pin-Mei, who was still fast asleep. “I’ll just see what happens. But I feel better since you guys have been helping. After last night, I was so fucked up that I could barely think. Now it’s not as cloudy. …Thanks…”

Rong laughed. “‘You guys’? This idiot didn’t do a single thing!” she said pointing at the man beside her.

“Well, EXCUSE ME for not contributing to this therapy session!”

She sighed sarcastically. “So much for Dr. Love.” She looked over at Ren to see that he was standing up, Pin-Mei in his arms. “HoHo, we’re leaving.”

“What?! We just got here!”

She pulled him close to her. “They need time to work this out. That can’t happen easily if we’re here. Besides…” She looked at the floor. “I want to go see my mother. I want her to meet Xue.”

After a few moments, he nodded. “Alright.”

They walked with him upstairs to his bedroom.

“Good luck, Ren,” Rong whispered. “Contact us if you need anything, alright?”

He nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

HoroHoro looked a little conflicted. Finally, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around his friend. Ren seemed to be trying not to blush.

“H-Hey! What are you doing?!”

The hugger remained calm, trying to give him something he probably hadn’t received in months. “Take care of yourself.” He patted him on the back twice before letting go. “See ya.” He waved and they left.

As the couple walked down the hall, Rong let out a small laugh.

“We’re getting married soon and we’re still so loyal to the people we loved first.”

HoroHoro shook his head. “I don’t see it like that. We’re all friends. We’re just helping each other out.”

She looked at him serenely and held his hand. “You’re right.”

“For once.”

They retrieved Xue and left.

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Back in his room, Ren was changing bandages on Pin-Mei’s wrist. He looked at the deep wound she had inflicted on herself.

This is definitely going to scar…You’re so stupid, Pin-Mei.

He quickly put some ointment on it and wrapped it up. Partially because he wanted it to heal. Partially because he couldn’t stand to look at it.

He laid her down on the bed and got behind her in a spoon position. As he wrapped his arm around her, he couldn’t help but notice how cold her body was. On that night three years ago, when they were finally together again, her body had started to be warm, almost as if he made her that way, like it meant that she was happy. But now, it was back to being cold.

They had been on top of the covers, but he moved her under them. It was December; the air was cold enough without her body adding to it. He thought better of it and joined her, reassuming his position.

“I love you,” he whispered in her ear, knowing he would get no reply. As he held her tighter, about to fall asleep, a thought came to his mind.

His heart broke.

One tear fell.

That was all.

His eyes closed.

He fell asleep.

I can’t remember the last time she said “I love you”.