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Tokio Love Monogatari	By : kamorgana Category: Rurouni Kenshin > General Views: 4092 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
- 7
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply. I don�t own Rurouni Kenshin. The characters belong to Watsuki, but the plots, ideas, OCs and text are *mine*.
Tokio Love Monogatari
Chapter 6: Modern Atrides
I�ve known Tomoe for 20 years and we had never argued, even when we were teenagers. We might have not thought much of each other�s choices, but we kept it for ourselves and avoided the �I told you so�. It had a lot to do with Yumi and Megumi being there for the �I told you so� thingy and us usually making show of solidarity against Tom and Jerry. It had even more to do with the fact that we have opposite taste in men and were never in competition or a bit annoyed that one had gotten a (*0*)/ before the other could make her move (Yumi is right and Tomoe indeed never experienced more than the (^-^) level anyway, but I�ve never told her and never will).
Mogwai, now a proud and full grown Gremlin, had succeeded where everything had failed. I realized the power of Tomoe�s deadliest weapon: her silence. She just looks at you and says nothing and you feel that you�re to blame for everything, earth warming and bad hair days included. In my case, I felt that I was to blame for Mogwai�s existence, which was particularly unfair since Tomoe knew perfectly who was responsible in this case.
Not that I couldn�t understand her frustration. I had been there, and I was compassionate for the Zoo from Hell�s invasion, especially as she hadn�t been warned more than I. Waking up on your immaculate futon in your properly and ascetically arranged traditional room to find yourself face to face with a baboon is certainly not a pleasant experiment; especially when the baboon tries to lick your neck. When I had finally answered the phone to be asked, after a silence cold enough to refresh my champagne cup, why there was a baboon smelling like me making sexual advances on her, I had understood immediately.
�Oh, I know, this one is actually rather nice�He loves perfume, probably he just wants to use yours. Give him the bottle and he will leave you alone,� I indicated cheerfully.
Tomoe wears a very rare traditional peach blossom perfume, whose recipe is protected jealously by Yakuza women from generation to generation. Of course fashionista baboon couldn�t miss it, and I was rather proud of him. Maybe he could learn to use a razor: if he were less hairy, I could have him as a pet finally. That would be so original. I forgot the idea since Mr. Wolfish wouldn�t stand it and definitely, I didn�t need a monkey when I had him already.
Obviously my reaction was not what Tomoe expected and she hanged up on me on a Mater Dolorosa sigh. I would hear �the Sigh� a lot, whenever she would call me on an accusative tone, at least three times a day, to reproach me with the new antics of her unrequited guests.
Tomoe likes clean things, and the yakuza bodyguards spend more time tracking dust in the house than racketeering the shopkeepers of the commercial areas. The monkeys had unfortunately not been taught to use the toilets, as you know, and the Cerberuses were even worse. On top of leaving huge mountains of homemade chocolate on her priceless tatami, they were quite picky on their acquaintances and they didn�t like at all half of the employees. They had fitted the family quite well, Tami marveled under Enishi�s satisfied grin, since they had adopted the yakuza methods and tended to relieve their targets of one or two phalanges. Blood stains are tricky to erase on rice straw. The Evil Beasts had surprisingly a Peace and Love side, unfortunately this wasn�t well with Tomoe either, since it expressed in the Flower Power field. The basis of their alimentation consisted in huge pieces of Kobe beef (Enishi was careful that Tami�s darlings got the best) and except for the occasional treat of human fingers their favored dessert was flowers� petals. Imagine Michelangelo�s reaction if his sister in law�s goat pet had chewed on his masterpieces. Well, Tomoe is one of the best ikebana artists in Japan and finding her lilies decapitated, her roses deflowered and her bamboos masticated after she had arranged them for hours threw her into a furor as white, freezing and silent as a January day in Hokkaido.
Yet, the root of her ire wasn�t in those domestic issues. The problem was that she didn�t manage to get rid of their root, which meant that she didn�t manage to get rid of my sister. Knowing Tomoe, and though I was feeling a tad little sorry for Tami who was in love with Enishi (only remote tribes of Papua New Guinea or the Amazonian rainforest didn�t know about it) I was sure that she would launch her most sophisticated anti-girlfriend guerilla tactics and that it wouldn�t take her a week to regain the top spot of Enishi�s preoccupations.
And she failed.
The Russian retreat and Waterloo combined had been less of a disaster. She tried to monopolize Enishi�s time, but it was difficult since he was constantly shagging my sister, and that Tomoe didn�t dare to actually interrupt them during the act. They were so loud (I was summoned to hear the extent of the vocal damages) that she couldn�t ignore what they were doing, but I suspect that she didn�t want to acknowledge it. She was cornered. Then, she had tried the method that had been so successful with Sayo, and that she should have copyrighted. Tomoe is even more of an artist when it comes to play martyr than she is at ikebana. Unfortunately for her there was one huge flaw in her logic: Tami encouraged Enishi to answer her every demand. Once or twice he had wondered whether he should answer Tomoe�s call. I suspect highly that they were about to have sex, first of all because they have sex all the time and second of all because raging hormones are probably the only thing that could ever make Enishi deny to Tomoe his entire attention. A kind of temporary insanity, if you want. I mean, any woman married to a mothercon knows that sex is the only way to win against the old cow (except having your yakuza friends getting rid of her). Anyway, in those occasions, Tami had pushed Enishi to answer Tomoe because �one has to be there for one�s Nee-san�. Tomoe found herself confronted to Tami�s deadliest weapon: there is no reason to resent her and it�s hence impossible to create resent, or even to resent without looking like an unfair bitch.
My best friend finally tried the most open attack that she ever had to use against any human being, hats down for Tami Sue. The four of us were having dinner in my apartment, since Saitoh was on a mission again. Tami, on the tune of �let me serve the food and rest, Nee-san�, had gone to the kitchen.
�I think that your girlfriend doesn�t like me�� Tomoe murmured.
I bolted. That was a bit disloyal. She could have tried harder with her usual ways before stabbing my sister in the back like this.
Enishi answered calmly: �She doesn�t.�
OK, I was in the Twilight Zone. Not kissing the ground on which Tomoe walks is enough for Enishi to dislike someone�and dislike can imply many things when it comes from a yakuza boss. I wondered briefly if Tami, who had insisted to cook instead of calling my usual caterer (and who really needs to eat but decorative stuff like caviar to look good in bed with one�s Wolf? The designers� dresses have a tendency to shrink with the years and one has to fit, not to be condemned to unfashionable rags) didn�t drop some weed in the food. But of course she doesn�t do drugs either; I guess that she is too busy doing Enishi already.
I wasn�t the only one to hallucinate: Tomoe widened her eyes like plates and let her jaw drop. She was stone, not with weed (Tomoe doesn�t do drugs either, her knowledge of plants is limited to floral arrangements) but literally, you know, as in �changed into a marble statue�.
�Tomoe Onee-sama, is there something wrong?� Tami wondered, coming back from the kitchen with a plate full of the culinary Antichrist (chocolate cakes).
I could see that my friend was dying to answer: �YOU�. If Tomoe weren�t the epitome of politeness she would have thought �you bitch!�, but it was probably more like a �you, trollop!� in her mind. Her eyes conveyed it perfectly though, yet Nee-san regained her legendary self-control and martyr attitude faster than a chocolate tablet puts one kilo on your hips.
�I don�t see why you would care,� she murmured, endless sorrow filling every of her words.
�Of course I care!� Tami protested, sounding sincerely indignant.
Wow. This deserved an Oscar, considering that I knew very well that Tami didn�t like Tomoe at all. Enishi knew it too, and again I was sorry for my sister since she had just buried herself. Enishi�s weakness is Tomoe; but precisely because of it he is even less forgiving than usual when he realizes that people try to use it. Tomoe raised a brow, and I felt her internally jubilating.
�Not for you, of course, but because of Nishi�� Tami Sue added, with a complete lack of delicacy and a loving expression that I had seen somewhere�ah, yes, it was the way that Misao looked at Aoshi. �Here, Nishi, these are chocolate brownies, your favorite�made with low fat dairy, low fat chocolate, low fat flour and sugar-free sugar, since Nee-san is on a diet. Though you don�t need it, Nee-san, you�re so lovely��
My mother had very certainly faulted with a giant rat, for my sister was indeed Minnie Mouse, blabbering as if what she said wasn�t a capital crime in Nishi�s book and as if she ignored that everybody always needs to be on a diet, duh (but it was nice to be called lovely�hey, I like compliments, so sue me).
�Are you going to let her talk to me like this?� Tomoe uttered, in what was her first loss of self control since the traitor had dumped her.
�Nee-san��Enishi begun, sounding rather ill at ease for the first time of his life, as far as I knew. �You have to understand that Tami is only human, even though she doesn�t look like one��
Ah, so she reminded him of Minnie Mouse too? Maybe he and Tami had that strange passion for animals in common...yuck.
��and that she seems above the common of mortals, she has feelings, too.�
Ah, no, it was a pure case of worship. If I had had appetite for cakes, which in spite of Tami�s assurance were still labeled as �pure fat� in my head, I would have lost it.
Tomoe is so very much more gifted for the �you just sent a dart into my heart, and not a Cupid�s one� than Sayo. The one she gave him was a masterpiece.
�You have to understand that she is flawed,� Enishi pleaded.
Yippee! Someone else saw it! I ate one brownie to celebrate (yes they were good, remember who cooked them? Sigh).
�You choose her over me,� Tomoe murmured. �And she hates me��
I bolted. This was *utterly* disloyal and I was indignant too, now.
�Hey! She was just jealous of the time that I spent with you instead of her, and she never said she hated you!�
�Nee-san! You defend me! I love you so much!� Tami jumped on me for a giant hug and I choked on the brownies. I could see that Tomoe hoped that I would choke to death.
That�s when Enishi explained that indeed, Tami�s *only* flaw was her blindness to Tomoe�s qualities, but she cared because �Nishi� cared and since Tomoe was Enishi�s most beloved person in the world she would be the most important for Tami too.
�After you darling�and after Nee-san,� Mary Sue cooed, still strangling me physically with her arms and psychologically with her affection.
The end of the theorem was that Tami would hence always want Tomoe to be happy as much as Enishi and it was the first and foremost needed for his future wife. I will spare you the gushing about how wonderful the two of them were and how they would get along someday (insert loud hysterical laugh, thank you) and the gushing about my sister being a virtuous angel. Most men�s idea of a virtuous angel: he�s the first and then you shag him loudly and quasi-publicly all day. Most men�s idea of an evil whore: you lost your virginity to another (therefore you can compare), and/or you shag discreetly and monogamously anybody but him.
�And after all, you are flawed too, Nishi�You didn�t like Nee-san at first for the same reasons as me.�
I had been drinking some water to comfort my poor sore throat, and I was in for another choking session. Enishi didn�t like me? Why? I had always liked him�OK, not when he was underage because I had never really paid attention to him until then. But I had never *disliked* him.
He actually blushed a bit, which made me get over it and realize that they had answered to the why before. I was a bit hurt, but he actually added with one of his rare sincere smiles:
�But I liked you since we were back to Tokyo, and that you helped me to avenge Nee-san�You�re a great friend to her��
Oops. Yeah, well, I haven�t been totally honest with you. No big deal, I mean, I merely helped him to hire the advertising space thanks to my relations. I told you already: I�m never as evilly devious as when I�m righteously angry, which is usually in relation with my friends getting hurt. Bite me.
I smiled back, and I could even smile to Tami as she had jumped on him this time, saying that we would be all a happy family. I gave a look at Tomoe, who had an impenetrable mask, and I expected some resistance� but certainly not what followed.
�Oh yes�like last year, when you explained me how to practice that�blow job thing, it was so nice of you,� she said evenly.
I�m still alive because Tami was already kissing Enishi and therefore he didn�t pay attention. Tomoe is still alive because I couldn�t believe that she had turned me in. I stared at her, barely nodding at my sister and her boyfriend leaving suddenly for ending their virtuously angelic activities at his place.
�I can�t believe you said that,� I finally let out.
�I can�t believe that you let me down,� she retorted, her face closed.
�You were unfair.�
�She hates me.�
�One, she doesn�t. Second, she doesn�t threaten your relationship with Enishi. You *were* unfair.�
�She is just another Sayo and she is not worthy of him,� she asserted coldly.
�Third, she is still my sister, so don�t you insult her!� I shouted.
There are limits to what I can take, even coming from my best friend. We glared at each other again until Tomoe Montague stood up.
�Fine. I see.�
�Yeah, fine,� my Capulet self retorted.
You don�t have arguments with Tomoe like you can have with Yumi or Megumi. She doesn�t lower herself to this. But don�t get it wrong. The Cold War had begun.
***
When Saitoh came back late that night, from his goddamn work and no I still didn�t know what it was, I was horribly depressed and I tried not to show it. Arguments have a tendency to spread easily and I wouldn�t have been able to stand one with him. I jumped on him since sex seemed a very good idea to forget about it all. Plus, crying on his shoulder, the only other option, would bore him and I would even less afford to lose a boyfriend after I lost a friend.
He stopped me as I was trying to get him out of his shirt.
�What is it?� he demanded, making me settle next to him on the bed. Later he told me that if I didn�t want people to know that I was upset, I shouldn�t have highly abnormal behaviors like trying to reduce their Dior suits to shreds.
So much for maturity and reserve, I blurted out the Romeo and Juliet tragedy with Tomoe and I starring as the Capulet-Montague, the sugar-free brownies that would put one kilo on my hips, Enishi who didn�t like me when he was a kid, virtuous angels and evil whores.
He smirked. �And that deserves the destruction of a Dior shirt? How disappointing, Miss Fashionista.�
Sometimes, I think that I�m a masochist for loving this guy. But suddenly all this didn�t seem that serious anymore, and I felt better. Maybe his strange way to comfort me was just fitting my way of needing comfort. I caressed his face, I kissed him and then I rested my head on his shoulder.
�Don�t look at me like this,� he warned. �You have the same expression as the Weasel when she looks at Shinomori.�
�Is it that bad?� I smiled. I was a love fool, yes, and I had had a hard day. So bite me.
He grumbled something about not embarrassing him in public with it, which I didn�t really listen to since his hands were under my skirt, drifting up my legs. I did the only logical thing: I attacked his shirt again, unbuttoning it slowly. I had a strange idea rooting in my brain, thinking of Enishi wanting to marry my sister after only a few weeks together and not knowing her, whereas Mr.Wolfish and I had been together for months and knew each other so well. We were dating for longer than Misao and Aoshi had when he proposed her�were wedding proposals happening only to virtuous angels?
�And I�m no virtuous angel,� I sighed aloud, while he was kissing languidly my throat.
He stopped to stare at me with a renewed and superior smirk. �Angels don�t have sex, Tokio. Thankfully, you�re on the evil side��
Thankfully, he was no angel either. (*0*)/
***
Three weeks later, the Cold War had overcome the first stage of tension: Tomoe and I were on a phase of pacific co-existence. No open hostility lingered, and we had casual and polite conversations when we were in company. It was for the best, since Misao�s wedding was soon and that it occasioned many social gathering in our group, but we were still camping on our positions.
It was two days before the Affair of the Century, and I was striding down immaculate white alleys, along with Megumi and Yumi, searching for the most perfect item in prevision of Misao�s bridal shower which took place that night.
�Why the hell are we here already?� Megumi grumbled.
�Because we don�t want Kama-chan or Tomoe to choose this, for instance,� I insinuated.
I withdraw what I said about Megumi being a better friend when she has problems. At first, she had reacted as usual to her rupture with Sano: she had clenched her teeth, thrown herself into her work, and occasionally she had shed a discreet tear when we had gotten drunk together. Yet since two weeks ago her mood had turned sour and acidic enough to pierce the most resistant stomach in one venomous spit. Maybe she had been in denial and was realizing just now. Anyway, she was in her death penalty judgmental mood. She was unfair: I don�t think that she would have endured what my successful maneuver had spared her.
Yumi was looking around. �No, we don�t,� she snorted. �You should thank Tokio.�
Did I tell you that Yumi was my favorite friend at the moment? With Tomoe giving me the icy (cold would be too warm to define it) shoulder and Megumi in a killer mood, Yumi was a virtuous angel. Coming to think of it, maybe that was why she still couldn�t get some sex.
�You could have gone without me. I hate this place,� Megumi persisted.
�No way. If I have to stay at Kamatari�s a whole evening, you can spend a few minutes here with us,� Yumi warned, before her gaze was attracted on the other row. �Wow�look at this little guy��
�Yumi, this isn�t what we came for,� I sighed, trying to find something appropriate in the profusion of videos. �Damn, I have no idea of what we should pick�I can�t be worse than Titanic, but still��
�Speak for yourself, Tokio, you have a real one at home. I just give a look�Meg? What do you think of this one? We could try to find one for you��
�I don�t want one, I don�t need one. I told you that I�m through with sex. What I have is a job, and decide quickly because I have an operation scheduled in two hours.�
Yumi and I glanced at each other. And then salvation appeared in the form of a shop employee.
�I�ll ask him�Sumimasen!� I called.
�Shhhh! What are you doing?� Megumi snarled. �As if it wasn�t embarrassing enough��
�Oh please. Hi, I would like a recommendation�for a girls� night,� I smiled graciously.
The employee, a young blond boy whose tag read Tsukayama Yutaro, looked at the three of us and blinked.
�Oh, well, we have girlie movies there,� he indicated. ��Kitty, Kitty, Kitty!� for example��
�Oh, no, not really what we want, there will be a man too�� I smiled. �It�s for a bridal shower. We want something sexy but not too sugary��
I didn�t know why he looked so rattled. Maybe because Yumi had rolled her eyes with a depreciative comment about Kama-chan. I was very proud of my metaphors but Megumi was still trying to hide her head in her purse. Fine, I wouldn�t bother anymore
�Guys are usually very much into �girls� movies�,� he said, perplex.
�Ah, yes, I know!� I laughed, �But our male friend is gay, that�s why we want something with more testosterone anyway��
The boy gave a look at Megumi and her head half-buried in her bag, before he answered with a commercial smile.
�Ah, I see! What about an adventure movie? �Anacondas versus Amazons��a bunch of explorers lost in the Amazonian rainforest meet giant��
Megumi got her head out of her purse faster than a bunch of piranhas can devour an innocent swimmer. �NO!� she barked.
The boy seemed about to run for the Amazonian rainforest too, and ready to meet the giant whatever anytime rather than the harpy in front of him.
�Wait a second, it doesn�t look bad,� Yumi said. Ah, she seemed to be over the Tsunan incident and her geopolitical prejudice. A look at the guy on the jacket made me understand why.
�Look, Meg, that seems funny, they�re confronted to a bunch of giant�Oh, OK�do you have something else? More traditional?� I asked Yutaro, since I didn�t want to be confronted to a giant hissy fit on Megumi�s part.
�With that Anji guy,� Yumi asserted.
��Dogs and Bitches�? �Monkey Business�? �Salvage Stallion�?�
�No animals,� I cut off, thinking that I wouldn�t endure the evening with Tomoe�s reproachful look on me otherwise.
�It isn�t really with animals��he protested. �We don�t sell those here.�
That�s when Megumi exploded. �We don�t care!!!!!!!!! Tokio, if you want so much a porn movie for tonight, why don�t you JUST use the one that you found of your sister and Enishi?�
Yumi giggled. She knows that sooner or later Tomoe will stumble upon one of the videos, since Enishi and Tami aren�t very careful about them, and she�d prefer to be there. She pretends that not having sex allows her to get all the distractions she can otherwise without judgmental people bothering her with morals or delicacy.
�Hey, you weren�t that prudish when you were fucking Sano in the closet!� I retorted.
�It wasn�t degrading for women!!! I could have to give back my card of the Women�s lib just for standing in this shop��
�You prefer Titanic? I can call Kama-chan right now!� I threatened.
Yumi snatched the phone out of my hands. �NO!! I want to see big dicks, I�m not even sure that I remember what a real one looks like!� she screamed, near hysteria. All the other clients were looking at us but this time Megumi didn�t seem to care about her reputation.
�Well,� Yutaro started, �we have some very good imitations over there��
Yumi sent him a look. After the Amazon Harpy, Yutaro got acquainted with the Tasmanian Devil. Megumi and I were still glaring at each other so I wasn�t able to care about him.
�Or�I could ask for the �English Patient�� I shot.
I knew I had won. Megumi hates it even more than Titanic. It makes a mockery out of her profession according to her (if you befriend Megumi you�ll know to never watch with her a medical movie which isn�t a documentary) and it also reminds her of the nurses gossiping and drooling over the patients instead of doing their jobs, which is her pet peeve at work.
�Oh, then, we have the �Endowed Patient� series��Yutaro proposed.
Ignoring Yumi�s twinkling eyes, Megumi grabbed a dildo and smacked him on the head with it. I couldn�t disapprove of this time: the boy should learn when to shut up.
�Fine,� she said, replacing the object on its showcase. �You win.�
That was as well, because my eyes had been attracted on the perfect movie. This was going to be fun.
***
I had been able to limit the damages concerning the entertainment part of the evening, but I didn�t have my saying on anything else. Kama-chan had insisted to take care of everything, claiming that he needed to find the fun of creation again since Misao�s grandfather ruined everything about the ceremony.
We could only avoid one more disaster concerning the guest list. Yumi, Megumi and I had intrigued to avoid that the Deadly Trinity were available that night. I had suggested Enishi to take a romantic trip to Hakkone, since I found Tami a little down, of course she would never tell you, but I know her (all this said with a charming smile, tongue in cheek and fingers crossed behind my back). Evil maneuver number one succeeded: Tami Sue was bathing in an onsen instead of stealing Misao�s thunder. Yumi had carried out her role calling Sayo to ask her about our choice of movie, since of course, she could trust Sayo�s perfect taste: maybe �Dogs and Bitches� was a better idea? Evil maneuver number 2 succeeded: instead of lecturing us, the Saintly Twit confessed all night since her ears had been soiled by Yumi�s X-rated descriptions (no, she didn�t bother to use metaphors: she isn�t versed into poetry, remember?). Megumi had relieved Tomoe of the Evil Beasts� presence for a while and went with them to keep Kama-chan�s company at the wedding place: how could she guess that the cake would be destroyed and that Misao�s best friend would have to spend the night cooking it again? Evil maneuver number three succeeded. The presence of this girl would have thrown us in the middle of a Greek tragedy. We had been there, done that, and let me tell you that it wasn�t funny.
Our evil version of the Three Musketeers arrived in an excellent mood since it had reminded us of our days at the University, when we used similar tricks to avoid the presence of annoying girls or of potential rivals at our parties. There is nothing better for one�s state of mind (at least when you�re over thirty) than feeling young. We had decided that we could still pass for 20 (with good lighting, fine) and we did need the good mood to stand the special decoration of Kama-chan�s apartment. I�m a bit at loss for words to describe it�
Is �Barbie Pink Fluff gets married� expressive enough?
I hope so, because my poor stomach won�t stand more than that rapid yet powerful evocation of the waffy nightmare and I�m out of Maalox.
The beginning of the evening was more like a tenth grade birthday party. Yumi rolled her eyes so much that she looked like a slot machine of the Las Vegas Caesar�s palace, which was in perfect tune with her Cleopatra outfit. Yeah, Kama-chan had decided that we would have to disguise as historical princesses. Misao had been enthusiastic and we had had no choice. We didn�t have the same conception of historical since she was Princess Leia. The three Musketeer�s moral had gone down the toilet realizing the culture and generation gap between us and the real 20 years old�except mine: I had a major ego trip realizing that I had taught Misao well. Instead of choosing the pristine white dress, the butch white uniform and/or the stupid buns, my young Fashion Padawan was Princess Leia in a gold bikini. What do you want? I plainly rule.
Megumi was furious: she hissed that yes, the only famous doctor, Dr.Quinn, Medicine Woman, was not a princess and making a mockery out of her profession; but since she refused to be a non working woman waiting for Prince Charming, she had had no other choice. We stopped her just in time to escape a detailed explanation on why breast cancer wasn�t curable just after the American Civil war. Lady Tomoe Montague had chosen a costume corresponding to her present Siberian mood: Katharine of Russia. I had gone for simplicity�a linen Greek toga, a rose in my hair and a rare essence of myrte as perfume. Yes, those are Aphrodite�s attributes. You said it, not me. Goddesses, princesses, that�s all the same category after all, and Megumi wasn�t a princess either anyway, so bite me.
Do we really have to talk about Kama-chan? Fine, he was Marie Antoinette. I won�t say more and leave your imagination at work (still out of Maalox, hope you have some).
Still in my saintly savior role I had spiced the pink punch with two bottles of Cranberry Vodka. Re-read the previous paragraphs: we were four thirty-something at a costume party (out of fashion this year) in a d�cor reminding of a Barbie house although Kama-chan�s living room is purple, green and red, don�t you think that we needed something to support us or at least to make us unaware of what we were doing? I didn�t even cheat on Kama-chan�s guidelines: I had chosen a cute pink alcohol.
Living with Cold Fish had affected Misao�s tolerance for liquors: after three glasses of punch, she laughed without interruption and bounced around merrily, exploding from time to time into some �Aoshi marries me!� self-content screams. I deduced self-content from her tone and body language since if I had to marry Aoshi, I would ask for a rope and not for a party. But Misao has poor taste, as we know, and courtesy of Yumi and Kama-chan�s remarks about her Kansai relatives, I had learnt that it was genetic and therefore not her fault. Talking about Yumi, she was way more relaxed than she had been lately, hence I suspected that she had gone back to the sex shop to buy one of those vibrators or to rent the �Endowed Patient� series. My current favorite friend and I discussed about organizing an emergency vibrator intervention for Megumi, who was in dire need to unleash her frustrations. Her awful mood had improved merely the minutes that the Evil Beasts had needed to eat the giant wedding cake and the minutes that she had needed to describe the scene to us. Megumi was so depressed that she had taken Kama-chan�s guidelines to the letter: after a sip of the punch, recognizing the taste of the Cranberry Vodka, she dragged me on the balcony and almost bit my head off for being �criminally unconscious�. Let me tell you one thing: feeling young is cool, feeling like a five years old being yelled at by the schoolmistress isn�t exactly pleasant. I was stupefied and Megumi took advantage of it to storm back in the room and she spent the following minutes shushing with Tomoe. Their glares into my direction gave me a hint that the Russo-American alliance was about to be concluded against me. That�s when Yumi and I decided that it was time to relax the atmosphere and to play the little video.
Cranberry Vodka has funny effects on people. Kama-chan usually disapproves of porn, he�s too much of a lady to appreciate it; but the alcohol, probably combined with the perspective of a wedding (his only regret about being gay is that he can�t get married) and very surely combined to his lasting state of abstinence, boosted him and he was enthusiastic. Tomoe and Megumi didn�t object, the former because Misao was in the same disposition as our host and that she is too polite to go against the will of the queen of the day, the latter because Yumi was juggling negligently with �Titanic� and �The English Patient� while humming the �Jaws� tune�taaada, taaaada, tadatada�Being a neurosurgeon and all, Megumi is good at diagnosing threats against one�s mental state, including her own.
The projection had the desired effect at the beginning: my choice of �Too Horny Kenta�, porn version of a famous historical anime, labeled as �action/adventure, familial and historically correct (which merely means that they use the *names* of historical characters)� answered to everybody�s taste. Tomoe likes jidai-geki, Megumi likes sharp things like scalpels but also swords, Yumi likes porn, Kama-chan likes gay love stories, Misao likes guys who look like Aoshi and so did the �actor� incarnating a dark and lonely spy in the movie. It was why the jacket had attracted my attention in the sex shop. Major difference with Aoshi: in the movie, everybody was after his ass and I can�t think that people are so horny for cold fish in real life. Of course I shut up since it was her party. The following taught me that I had been wise.
Funnily enough, we found that other �actors� looked like several of our acquaintances. This is when things began to turn sour. First of all, and in spite of her forceful denials, the drunk and dissolute sidekick pretending to portray Harada Sanosuke was similar enough to our Sano for Megumi to clench her teeth and to end up beyond the possibility of relaxing even a tad little bit. Unfortunately �Harada� was one of the gay characters and Kama-chan�s drunkard assertions that maybe it was why Sano had left her provoked a renewal of Coyote and Roadrunner war, since Yumi had rushed to Megumi�s help as usual. Cleopatra nevertheless kept an eye on the endowed Anji and the other �actors�� virtually enhanced (in my humble opinion: too good to be true) attributes while the other eye glared at Kama-chan to underline her vocal insults. She confided in me later having experienced what schizophrenia could be, that evening.
I found the movie, as always with good porn, funnier than exciting, in fact way funnier than many insipid and politically correct Hollywood comedies. Frankly, how could porn be exciting? Sex is like a private joke: you have to be there to get the hype and watching it doesn�t replace the least real life action�the statistics agree with me. I got to know that �familial� meant �tame�, and thereof I didn�t get to increase my knowledge in the art but just got entertained for a while. In �Too Horny Kenta� situations and involuntary humor were so ridiculous that I laughed out loud several times, and Misao revealed a mind as witty as Yumi�s to make hilarious comments. I knew Tomoe enough to see that in spite of her attempts to look disgusted, she found it funny too�until another character, which I learnt later was the spitting image of her kindergarten love, happened to be another gay and in a triangle (in every way imaginable) with �Harada� and the red-haired hero, Kenta. I personally thought that the latter looked a LOT like the traitor who had dumped her but she, honestly, didn�t see the similarity at all.
After a while things got a bit heated although not with sexual excitation, except for Yumi who had pledged to be an �Anji fan forever� -unless she met a guy with a bigger dick- and for Kama-chan who wasn�t over the male threesome scene. When I said that porn is funnier than many comedies, I meant during the first half an hour and with a good circle of friends to make fun of it. Afterwards, the situations get a tad repetitive (yeah, we do know what a penetration looks like, no need to show ten minutes of it each time) and as for the atmosphere it got stormy.
The first problem was that I got involved in the Coyote and Roadrunner Wars. It�s all another �actor�s� fault, because he looked like Mr.Wolfish although in less sexy and less well endowed. Yeah, Kama-chan didn�t believe me either and do you also want to end up with a pink punch bowl on top of your 18th century wig? In fact, I had had a good idea to throw it to his face: since we had begun to argue about the abovementioned �Fujita Goro� character�s sexual orientation, I can admit that we were drunk beyond reasonable and that the punch was better on my friend�s face than in our stomachs. It had started like this:
�Yum, I�m sure that he�s gay too�why are there dialogues? We don�t need them, especially when they�re as poor��I won�t sell my big sword and less to a moron like you�, how lame is that line? Come on, I want to see that hot guy getting some action with another cutie��Kamatari-Antoinette drooled.
�Sorry, but this guy isn�t gay,� I asserted disdainfully.
�And why not?� Kamatari roared.
�The hero is gay already, so the coolest guy has to be straight. The girlie red-head isn�t in his league anyway.�
�We�ll see,� Kama-chan whistled.
�Yes, we�ll see that he isn�t gay,� I whistled, with a serenity that glaringly unnerved him.
Perfidiously, Tomoe intervened. �I don�t understand why you�re so adamant, Tokio. You can�t possibly think that being gay is a bad thing?�
�Yes, it�s possible when you want to have sex with a man and that he�s gay,� Yumi bit back. �It means that you can�t and this is bad.�
It had happened a lot to her in the last months. Kama-chan laughed rather stupidly, since he on the other hand had hit on several guys to realize that they were straight. It provoked in him a boundless hatred for metrosexuals. They argued again and I took advantage of a pause in the liturgy of insults to answer Tomoe.
�Being gay isn�t a bad thing but I just don�t want this one to be. Can I for once be the one to throw a tantrum?�
I was in my good right since the second after �Fujita Goro� got some action with a woman whom I found rather pretty and not vulgar at all for a porn actress. It wasn�t Kama-chan�s opinion, we exchanged sour words, then I granted him the porn actor since I had for real Mr.Wolfish who was better, and that�s when the bowl incident happened. Yes, we behaved like in high school, and that�s the good thing about being drunk: it isn�t your maturity which is in cause when you act moronically.
The bigger problem occurred when Misao, whose cheerful mood is more efficient to end disputes than a whole UN mission including blue helmets will ever be, revealed that she didn�t find the movie funny anymore. Her issue was with the actor looking like Aoshi. Everybody was after his ass for some reason, well, I would agree that he had a rather cute butt� but glaringly nobody was after the other side of him and with good reasons too. It was a recurring gag and after half of the movie Misao began to take it personally. Yumi didn�t help.
�Look, Tokio, they also have miniature models!� she laughed when finally Porn Aoshi dropped his boxer shorts. Yeah, this is where the historically accurate thingy got a tad unbelievable. On the one hand, no big deal: I�m a boxer fan and I know no woman finding the traditional Japanese underwear sexy. Unless it is worn by a sumotori, but one is allowed to think that the sexiness resides more in the sumotori�s fame and bank account than in the outfit itself. Nevertheless, it would have added to the comical aspect of the �movie� to have those featured�hence a tad of regret on my part.
�This is a very normal size. The others are virtually enhanced anyway.�
Yumi didn�t listen to Misao�s rather dry remark. �Hey, Meg, you can spit it now�Cold Fish wasn�t as hot as you pretended, we all know it, but was he that small also?�
�I don�t think that this is an appropriate conversation,� Tomoe warned.
Misao was frantically looking for something to throw at Yumi�s face, but fortunately the punch bowl was already hooked on Kama-chan�s wig and there were only stuffed animals left around. See? My gesture had avoided a tragedy. Misao wouldn�t have missed Yumi�s face (yes, I hadn�t targeted the wig but I never trained for kempo or anything, so bite me) and a PR with a black eye would have been of terrible taste the day after, at the wedding.
�Aoshi was as I told he was. It was a long time ago,� Megumi added with a rapid and worried glance at Misao, �but I can assure you that those don�t shrink with a few years and hence no, he isn�t small. Indeed, it�s an inappropriate subject and we should talk about something more in the air�for example, will you ever have sex again or are you condemned to frustration forever?�
�You said that Sano was the best you ever had�that makes Aoshi less skilled, and I think that you mentioned dimensions too,� Kama-chan remarked. Note for later: never let my friend drink Cranberry Vodka ever again. He must have an allergy or something. �Oops,� he finished, hands on his mouth as he noticed the foam around Misao�s.
Yumi was about to snarl when a close up on Porn Aoshi�s instrument made her burst into laughter. �Look, Tokio! (and truly, why did she have to address *me* when spitting her venom? Am I a viper tongue or what�OK, nevermind.) The others have a sword but this one has merely a bow, how unfair!�
Kama-chan was the only one to find the remark hilarious, but rapidly he stopped laughing because the party degenerated into a general catfight and stuffed animals flew everywhere to accompany more or less openly viperous insults. Less fortunately, Megumi had taken her real scalpels with her Doctor Quinn costume (because those furnished with it made a mockery out of her profession) yet by miracle 1) they reached only stuffed animals 2) stuffed animals aren�t protected by the Geneva Convention or any other and 3) Tami wasn�t there, my wacko sister would have probably denounced us to the media for mass fluffy pink bunnies murder. Finally we resumed having fun, including Tomoe (and really how can she look hieratic in the middle of something like this? Yes, I�m jealous and bite me)�I mean, five thirty something in princess costumes having a stuffed animal fight would have been a moronic event if we didn�t take it as second degree humor, wouldn�t it? None of us was serious anymore yet we didn�t realize that the generation gap struck again. When we stopped, out of breath with hilarity, Misao took advantage of the silence to yell with vibrant indignation:
�Aoshi is NOT miniature sized and he is NOT �soft in the knot�! He�s BIG, he�s VERY hard and lasts VERY long and he has the cutest peachy butt in the world!!!....Oh...Hi Aoshi��
What could have cost me my relationship is that Mr. Wolfish accompanied Aoshi to fetch Misao and found me dead drunk in a Greek Toga and in the middle of pink nightmare after a stuffed animal battle, with the porn movie still playing, arguing with my friends about our boyfriends� sexual performances (men hate when women talk behind their backs and especially when it�s about their fronts).
What saved me is that he and Aoshi had entered the room just when Misao uttered the words �Aoshi is NOT�� The respective faces of the future newlyweds afterwards entertained Saitoh so much that he thought of making fun of them and not of dumping me.
Phew.
To be continued.
Jidai-geki: historical drama.
Friends of poetry good evening! =)) I don�t think that there are porn movies with both gay and straight scenes...but I�m not a specialist, LOL.
Next chapter: Somethin� stupid. Familles, je vous hais: weddings are dangerous at more than one title and Tokio is the first victim.
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Tokio Love Monogatari