Illusions of Life

Disclaimer: Gravitation is not mine. I only dream…and make no money doing so.

EiriXShu

NC17 but not until chapter 10 (sorry.)

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Illusions of Life


Chapter 6
Dyslexic Heart

Do I read you correctly, lead me directly
Help me with this part
Do I hate you? Do I date you?
Do I got a dyslexic Heart?

You keep swayin\'... what are you sayin\'?
Thinking \'bout stayin\'?
Or are you just playing, making passes
Well, my heart could use some glasses

Try and comprehend you
I got a dyslexic heart
Do I read you correctly,
I need you directly
I only went this far
Do I love you do I hate you
I got a dyslexic heart



About eighteen months earlier, Shuichi and I had been at a swanky party thrown by NG Studios when we had gotten into our fiercest fight. The party was held at a posh hotel with a view of the Tokyo skyline that was awe-inspiring. It should have been a beautiful night for us, but instead it turned into our worst nightmare. Our relationship had always been volatile but that night… I don’t know, maybe it was full moon or something.

We had ended up arguing in one of the adjoining hallways to the ballroom and as the fight escalated, Shuichi actually took a swing at me. I flew into such a rage over him trying to hit me that I retaliated. I punched him with everything I had. The force of the blow knocked him off balance and he stumbled into a stairwell and then down a flight of stairs. It left him unconscious with a severe concussion and a compound fracture in his left arm.

I don’t even remember what the fight was about.

He was out for three days. When the doctors finally told me he was going to be okay, I packed my bags and left. I ran away like the coward I am.

When I got to New York, I did all kinds of strange things. I went to anger management classes. I took up Tai Chi. I began to meditate on a regular basis. I went to a first rate psychologist (quack) to help me deal with the guilt and self-loathing. All the while, I convinced myself that I was doing what was best for Shuichi by staying away from him.

In reality, I was terrified by what I had done. What if next time I hurt him worse? What if I actually killed him… after all, I had proved I was capable of that, hadn’t I?

So I ran. Pushed him away when he tried to follow. Changed my number and moved several times. He was always so ridiculously persistent about me. And in my arrogance and my selfishness, I thought I was helping him. Saving him, even. It never occurred to me that rejecting him might actually cause a more serious injury than the physical damage I had inflicted on him.

He had been capable of so much love, I assumed that given time, he would point that love in another direction. I considered him, maybe incorrectly in hindsight, to be so much more resilient than myself. I never imagined, even in my wildest dreams, my abandonment of him would burn up that capacity for love.

And all the while, on another continent, I was lonely, empty and broken myself. When I was in New York, everyday had been a struggle to go on without him. Every night was filled with dreams of him. I wanted him so much, but I was afraid of the hold he had on me.

Now, after so much time and angst, I was tired of running from him and my feelings for him. The problem was, now it might be too late to fix it.


After semi-recovering from the blow to my head, I had K break into my pink-haired neighbors apartment and then I set up camp. I had decided that I was done dancing around with him. We were both confused about what we were feeling and it was high time we had a serious discussion about what we were to each other.

So, I took my laptop and moved into his apartment. The cat seemed to be glad for the company as he alternately followed me from room to room as I paced or made himself comfortable next to me whenever I settled down. We even slept on the couch together while we waited. And waited. I was remarkably patient. I worked on my novel. I did Tai Chi. I waited.

Shuichi finally came home about 10:30 the night after he’d knocked me on my ass.

He was not sober.

He was not alone.

The two of them were so preoccupied with each other as they came through the door together that they didn’t notice me. At first, anyway.

When Shuichi finally focused on me, he started laughing. “Look, ‘karu,” he slurred in his guest’s ear, “someone wan’s a threeshome.”

The boy toy giggled.

That was all I could take. I grabbed the “guest” by his collar push-pulled him towards the door. “Excuse us,” I said harshly, “I need to speak to Shuichi for a moment,” I brutally tossed the still-giggling guest out the door, “alone.”

“Hey, wait…” the dark-eyed pretty boy complained at me as he fell to the hallway floor.

I slammed and locked the door. I took a deep breath before I turned around to face the brat.

Shuichi smiled a drunken “I’ve got a secret” smile and pointed at me, “Yer jealous!”

I glared at him.

He laughed as he swayed on his feet, “Yuki’s jealous!! Wha d’ya know?”

“Don’t push it,” I snapped at him.

“Or what?” He focused his eyes again, “or I’ll punch ya again?” Now he was giggling. I habit I usually found somewhat endearing, but utterly infuriating at the moment.

“I’ll make some coffee,” I stated. Now was not the time to lose my cool. Anger was completely wasted on drunk people.

He shook his head, “don’ wan’ any coffee. Wan t’ get laid.” He leered at me as he teetered, “looks like iss down t’ you.”

I held him away from me as he tried to grope me. “Very sexy,” I said sarcastically, “but not now.”

“C’mon,” he slurred, still pawing at me. “You know you wan’ it.”

“Not now,” I grabbed his hands and dragged him behind me towards the bathroom.

“Hmmm, Yuki wans t’ take a shower wi’ me,” he sang. “You alwaysh did like t’ do is in the shower.”

The little bastard was right. I did really enjoy sex in the shower.

I opened the shower door and turned on the facet, letting the water warm up. I turned to him, “Come on. Take your clothes off.”

He shook his head, “Nuh-uh. You take ‘em off.”

“Fine,” I growled. I was too mad and he was too drunk to get me excited. Well, at first, anyway.

He however, had no such reservation and he swayed before me, naked and horny, beautiful and dangerous. He was like a siren beckoning from the rocks, luring me to my doom. “Come on, Eiri.” His slur was gone, “You know you want it.”

I pushed him into the shower and shut the door.

“Aieeee!!!” he shouted, “FUCK!!! It’s cold!! You asshole!!”

“You need to sober up before we can talk,” I snarled at him. “I’ll make coffee.”

“I told you, I don’t want any fucking coffee,” he shouted. “Why don’t you go home, Yuki? You are really starting to piss me off.”

I scoffed, “That’s too bad for you. I’m staying until we work this out.”

It was his turn to snarl, “There’s nothing to work out. You and I are done.”

“Fine. Tell it to me in the morning when you are sober again,” I said gently as I leaned against the nearest wall, feeling the last of my hope shatter into nothingness. “If you tell me to go in the morning, I will. But not before you hear how I feel and not before you get honest with yourself.”

“Honest,” the sneer in his voice was audible, “you are such an unbelievable hypocrite.”

“Yeah,” I agreed with him, “in the morning.”

I continued leaning against the wall and waited for him to go off again. Instead, his voice was shaky when he finally called, “uh, Yuki?’

“What?” I snapped, expecting some nasty comment from him.

“I think I’m gonna be sick.”

That night one thing was made crystal clear. Shuichi still could not hold his liquor.

About two hours later, after Shuichi was done being sick and I had finished cleaning up, I crawled into bed with him and the cat. The moonlight from the window dappled across his features as he shifted in his sleep. He looked so peaceful, as if a great weight had been lifted from him, in the comfort of sleep.

I reached out and touched his silk-spun hair.

He moaned in response and his relaxed features contorted in pain, “Don’t leave me, Eiri… Please don’t…” Tears trickled from his eyes. I stroked his hair again, thinking at first, he had woken and was still sick. No, he was definitely asleep. After all this time, he still cried for me in his sleep? He was such an idiot.

And I felt like my heart had been ripped out of me.

“Please… don’t go…” he was so tormented.

I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close, “Shhh. I’m right here,” I told him quietly. “I’m right here.”

He sighed deeply and snuggled into me, visibly relaxing. He muttered, “I love you…”

I kissed his forehead and choked back the grief I was feeling for what I had done to this lovable creature, “I love you, too.”

“Really?” he whispered groggily.

I kissed him again, “Really.” I could tell him now, couldn’t I? While he was asleep and unaware, I could tell him. I hoped I could tell him again in the morning, when it would really matter.


I woke up early the next morning and after making coffee, decided to work out a little. I pushed the furniture to the walls of the large room and opened the blinds and sliding glass doors to let in the fresh air and sunshine. I worked through my Tai Chi forms, breathing and centering, allowing all my anxieties to dissipate. I had found a certain, personal satisfaction in the fact that after a plethora of pills and a legion of psychologist quacks, it turned out that the one thing that really helped my mental state of mind was Tai Chi.

After about an hour, I had worked up an acceptable sweat and felt that I could stop. As I finished and turned to retrieve my towel, I found that I had an audience. Shuichi sat on the couch, his feet curled underneath him, coffee cup in hand. The cat sat next to him. They were both watching me. I rubbed my face with the towel, “good morning.”

“Good morning,” he smiled brightly at me. “That looks cool. Is it Tai Chi?”

I nodded, “Yeah. I find that it… helps.”

He nodded back in understanding.

“So, how do you feel?”

“Pretty good, surprisingly enough,” he looked sheepishly over the rim of his cup. “I hope I wasn’t too difficult to handle.”

“Difficult enough,” I muttered. “Breakfast?”

He contemplated, “In a while, maybe. What are you doing here, Eiri?”

“Waiting for you to come home. So we could talk.”

He stood up and moved towards me. I watched him warily as he raised his right arm and gently touched my black eye. “Did I do that?” He asked in a whisper.

“Yeah. You’re a whole lot stronger and faster than you used to be.”

He looked down and swallowed, “Sorry about that. Sometimes I just can’t seem to control myself anymore.”

“Let’s just agree I had it coming and leave it at that. Actually, it was pretty impressive,” I conceded.

“What?” He clutched his chest, “Praise from the Almighty Yuki Eiri? Oh, be still, my heart!” And the asshole was back.

“Hey, don’t push your luck,” I sniped back at him. “It’s not like I said your lyrics were any good. In fact, they still suck if you want to know.” I wandered into the kitchen to get my own cup of coffee.

“So, what was it that you wanted to talk to me about?” He shook his head, “No, wait, let me try to read your mind.” He closed his eyes and pressed his hands to his temples, “Yes, it’s coming clear now. You want to declare your undying love for me and ask me out on a date.” He opened his eyes and chuckled, “I’m right, huh?”

I held my coffee cup in my hand and glared at him, “You really are an insufferable brat, you know that?” I sipped my coffee.

He threw his hands into the air and shouted, “Then what? WHY ARE YOU HERE?”

I set down my coffee cup on the kitchen counter bar and lit a cigarette, all the while keeping eye contact with him. I was really pissing him off and while I was relatively amused by his anger, I didn’t relish the thought of pushing him too far again. I leaned on the counter and said, “I’m here to declare my undying love for you and to ask you out on a date.”

That confession had the effect of rendering him speechless. For about thirty seconds. And then his anger reared its ugly head again and he hissed at me, “You son of a bitch. How dare you fuck with me like this!”

“Shuichi,” I said softly, using his name and getting his attention, “I’m not fucking with you.”

He scoffed, “I don’t believe you.”

I nodded, “I don’t blame you. I have never given you a reason to believe me.” I swallowed the fear that was building in me, “But I want you to trust me. I know it won’t be easy, for either of us. But I really want to try.”

He stared at me for a long time. I waited for his reply. What else could I do?

Finally he sighed and said, “I’ll make breakfast. Go take a shower.”

I hesitated, “And you’ll be here when I’m done?”

“Yes.”

I didn’t move, “You’re sure?”

His eyes met mine and they looked so…wounded. He said quietly, “It’s scary, isn’t it? To live in fear that the one you… care about… the most in the world, might disappear.”

I choked down a lump in my throat and nodded.

“Go,” he smiled weakly, “I’ll be here when you are done. I promise.”

I headed for his shower. I probably should have gone to my own apartment, but I wanted to stay as close as I could. What he had said about leaving had really hurt me, had really brought the situation to clarity for me. I would have a lot to atone for. I hoped he would let me.

He had fish, rice and miso soup waiting for me when I reemerged. He refilled my coffee cup and sat down next to me at the kitchen bar. We ate in silence for a few minutes.

I was the one to finally break the silence by saying, “This is good. You really have learned to cook well.”

“Think so?” his eyes were sparkling.

I nodded.

He inhaled deeply, “Okay. I’ve thought about what you said earlier.”

“And?” I was suddenly very queasy.

“I’ll probably end up regretting this but… I’ll go out with you.” He rushed on with what he was saying, “But only if I get to plan the entire evening.” He looked thoughtful for a moment, “I guess, in a way, I would be taking you out.”

Uh oh. Well, this was unexpected and I was suddenly certain that I had gotten in over my head. I was hesitant to agree, but I was equally sure it might be my only hope for reconciliation. This would be a test and I was positive he wouldn’t make it easy for me.

He watched me closely for a few moments and then grinned and said, “Having second thoughts, aren’t you?”

Shaking my head I said “No. If that’s how you want to do it, I agree. With some exceptions.”

“Like what?” he had a small smile as tipped his head to the side and waited.

He really could be unnerving when he wanted to be. I took a deep breath, “No orgies, S&M or fetish parties. In fact, nothing weird with sex unless it’s just you and me.”

“Okay,” he laughed. “By the way, you shouldn’t believe everything you read. Anything else?”

“I don’t ride skateboards and I don’t rollerblade. And, you can’t drive anything.” I was frantically running through the list of items I had read about him doing.

He was grinning now, “Okay. Anything else?”

“No bungee jumping.” Almost forgot that one.

“What about alcohol and drugs?” He smiled at me.

Damn him, what could I say? Over the years, we had both done all kinds of partying, and some of it had even been together. People just give you that stuff when you are famous. “With in reason… Nothing too weird.”

He leaned his head on his hand, “Anything else?”

I shook my head.

He started to laugh. It was genuine but it still kind of creeped me out for some reason. “Oh, Eiri, just wait. We’ll have a blast.” He stared at me, “But first, we’ll have to go shopping.”

“What for?” I asked warily.

“Why, to get you some new clothes. For the clubs,” his grin was even bigger now.

Clubbing clothes, oh gods. I knew I had forgotten something on the list. I shuddered. “You know I’m no good on the dance floor.”

“And you know I love it. You wouldn’t deny me that, would you?” His eyes were full of cruel mischief and maybe, just maybe, a little hint of hope.

Manipulative little bastard. All the time we had lived together, he had never managed to get me to go dancing with him before. It was The Test. I sighed and shook my head in defeat, “No.”

He touched my hair, “Don’t worry, Eiri. I’ll take care of everything. You’ll have fun, I promise.”

And the roller coaster ride of my life began.


TBC


Dyslexic Heart – Lyrics by Paul Westerberg