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Innocent Rain	By : saxonjesus Category: +. to F > D. Gray Man Views: 3947 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
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Chapter List
- 5
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Chapter 5�Alone I Break

June 18, 2013�French Countryside

�� Amanda had all but
insisted that he and Lavi return to Headquarters with the Innocence. Yuu was of
the mind that she was just trying to be alone with Darcy again, but he also
recognized the need to get the Innocence back to the Dark Order as soon as
possible. Grudgingly, he and Lavi had departed the following morning. During
the train ride, Lavi had seemed rather off, keeping his mouth shut. Normally,
he would have reveled in the fact that the other man was silent, but there was
something very wrong about his eye that made Yuu nervous. Yuu knew how hard
Lavi worked to maintain his persona, and the fact that he was not �Lavi� during
the ride home bothered Yuu more than it should have. Not that Yuu really cared
at the moment. He had begun to have his dreams again. He was already starting
to feel weary with fatigue, and all his muscles ached from forcing himself to
stay still all night so Lavi wouldn�t notice anything. He had pretty much
stopped sleeping altogether at this point, not wanting to live through those
horrible things again. Once had been enough, but his mind forced him to relive
the events again and again. He didn�t even realize when his mind gave in to the
sleep he had so desperately been avoiding.

�� Get outta my way, Yuu-chan,� the tall
figure slurred out gruffly, trying to push Yuu back. But Yuu wasn�t going to
move. He knew what happened when he let the man through that door.

�� No,�
he said insolently, his high-pitched child�s voice sounding loud in the quiet
of the night.

�� You
heard me, brat. Outta my fuckin� way!� The man intoned
thunderously. Even from a meter below him, Yuu smelled the alcohol reeking down
to tickle his nostrils.

�� No!�
He said more clearly, crossing his arms on his chest.

�� I�ll
teach you to fucking cross me, boy!� The man�s right hand rose up, and Yuu knew
what would come next. This was the third time he�d been guarding the door, and
he had come to expect a strike or two before the tormentor would leave. But
this time, flesh didn�t meet flesh. Yuu found himself thrown backward as
something hard and cold crashed against his left cheek. Rank-smelling liquid
dribbled down his face, and he felt the sting of blood rushing from a wound. He
put a hand to his cheek, but something cut at his fingers as he ran them down
the length of his wound. He looked up fearfully at the man in front of him and
saw his right hand fisted over the neck of what had been his bottle of sake.

�� He felt a sting on
his left cheek and blinked blearily. He flinched back when he saw the tall
figure silhouetted against the light entering the room through the window.

�� Sorry, Yuu-chan,�
the voice said. Yuu drew back further, hitting the corner wall by the
compartment door. A second later, he relaxed as he recognized the voice. Baka! He shouted at himself. He�s dead, calm down. He masked his
remaining panic with a scowl.

�� Why�d you wake me
up, baka?� He asked accusingly. If he
had fallen asleep, he must have needed it. Not that he wasn�t
secretly thankful the stupid rabbit had woken him. He hated those dreams
the most. He already felt more exhausted than he had earlier and cursed the
Infernal Girl for being so damned touchy.

�� Well, you were
looking really distressed and yelling out �no,� so I figured you probably
weren�t having a good dream. Should I have left you asleep?� Lavi asked, his
cheerful persona firmly back in place, making Yuu wonder if the pensive man who
had been in front of him had been part of his dream, too.

�� Che,� he said,
turning his head away. He didn�t want to thank the idiot, but he couldn�t just
tell the other man to leave him alone in one of those dreams. Lavi seemed to
understand, though, and he moved back. Yuu stretched back out on the padded
seats, relieved.

---

June 18, 2013�The
Dark Order, Main Branch

�� Lavi collapsed on
his bed, glad the day was over. He had barely been able to hold on to his
persona at all, and it had taken every bit of mental strength Lavi had to make
it through the day. He had thought a lot in the past couple days, and the
closer he saw Darcy and Amanda get, the more emotion he felt. He didn�t
understand it. Logically, he knew it was jealousy, but he didn�t understand why he was jealous of them. After giving
himself a colossal headache, Lavi had changed the
subject of his thoughts to Yuu. But those didn�t make sense, either. He was
obviously attracted to the other Exorcist. It was obvious from how his heart
always skipped a beat when the other man was near. What he was confused about
was the strange feelings he was getting over top of the physical attraction. He
couldn�t understand why his stomach dropped whenever he jokingly touched Kanda
or why when he hugged the other man, he wished he�d be
hugged back. Even worse was the feeling of wanting to kiss the man whenever he
was near. In the compartment on the train back from France, Kanda had fallen
into a light sleep, and at first, he had looked so adorable that Lavi had
actually had to leave the compartment to keep himself from doing something
stupid. He didn�t understand why these feelings were bubbling up like he hadn�t
thrown them away. He had never, in his twenty-one years of life, felt as much
as he did now, and it was distressing in a completely unfamiliar way. When he
had too many emotions, he couldn�t pay attention, and his lack of awareness
scared him more than these feelings. And the worst part was that he was
actually feeling fear. He decided he
hated it�that panicking, flighty feeling in his chest and the increased rate of
sweat along with how his mind wouldn�t function properly made him feel
helpless. In short, he had no idea what he was feeling or why he was feeling it, nor what had caused him to feel in the first
place. And all of that caused him to feel more fear.

�� He flipped onto
his stomach, groaning. He couldn�t stop thinking.
All he wanted to do was shut out his turbulent thoughts and go to sleep, hoping
for a blessed relief in his dreams. But, of course, he couldn�t sleep, and he
couldn�t even leave his room. �Lavi� was the last thing on his mind. He had no
idea what persona he was in now, or if he was his regular self�whoever that
was�and it would confuse everyone if he went out acting like a thoughtful
zombie. He was supposed to be �fun and frivolous.� The war would have
realistically added some seriousness to his persona, and he had, of course,
compensated for that, but going out as he was now was out of the question. He
supposed he could go over to Yuu�s room, but that was also out, as he had no
idea how he would handle being around the other man when he was so confused.
Lenalee would have listened, but she had no idea about his personas. For the
millionth time that day, Lavi wished for Bookman. He would�ve known exactly
what to say to Lavi, to help him get through this. But the man, as he often
reminded himself, was dead. He could not help Lavi ever again. Lavi felt
strange. Again with the damn feelings!
He growled in his head. Something felt weird. He put a hand to his left cheek
and realized he was crying. The last time he had cried was� he couldn�t
remember. There had been only two times when he�d come close to really crying,
and that had been when they�d thought Allen was dead and when Lenalee�s
Innocence had broken on the ship to Edo. Why
am I crying? He asked himself. He didn�t know if he was expecting an answer
or not, but it didn�t matter, because he didn�t get one.

---

�� Lavi was forced to
leave his room by his growling stomach. It had been three days since their
return, and he hadn�t been able to pull himself together enough to leave the
room. Lenalee had stopped by the morning after their return, asking after him,
but he had thrown on his unstable Lavi persona long enough to get her to go
away. She�d returned a few times since, but he was always able to get her to
leave. He wasn�t sure if she would barge in, so after her third visit, he�d
locked his door. The next time she�d visited, she had tried the knob, but she
didn�t comment on it.

�� He walked the
familiar halls to the dining hall in a daze. He didn�t meet many people in the
halls on his way down, but that was a very bad omen. It meant that there were
probably a lot of people at lunch. Sure enough, as he walked into the large
room, he saw nearly half the Science Department, at least fifty Finders, and
several Exorcists, some of whom he hadn�t seen before. Ignoring everyone else,
no longer caring that he was acting grossly out of character, he went up to the
window and ordered himself a simple soup and a slice of bread. He wasn�t sure
how much he could keep down, especially since he hadn�t eaten in a while. He
grabbed his tray as soon as it was loaded and went to sit in a secluded corner,
ignoring Amanda�s calls and waves. He just couldn�t deal with her�or
anyone�right now.

�� Lavi ate slowly,
not finishing his soup until long after it had gone cold. He looked around out
of habit as he dumped his tray on the dish line. Everyone was gone, save for a
few stragglers or snacking workers. He was glad of it. He was too weak,
mentally, to even hold a conversation with another person. No doubt Bookman
would have his head for this�

�� Growling, Lavi
struggled to keep back tears. Again. Why the hell did
he need to cry, anyway? He tried, somewhat successfully this time, to push his
emotions away. It took a long time, and he was passing a random room when he
realized something. That was the room he had kissed Yuu in all those years ago
(though it still felt like weeks to him). Shaking his head at his stupid
thought, he made to move on when he heard something interesting.

�� Kissing
noises.

�� Curiosity piqued
on something besides his turbulent emotions for the first time in days, Lavi
looked into the room through the halfway open door. His eye widened a little as
he saw Amanda and Darcy in a very compromising position. Darcy had Amanda
pinned against the stone wall and had a hand sliding up her shirt. Lavi
watched, transfixed, as Darcy moved his lips to Amanda�s neck. She moaned
softly, her breathing increasing in quick hitches as Darcy nibbled her neck
tenderly. Sighing, she pulled his face to hers, and their lips met again. �Amanda moaned again as Darcy�s hand reached
its goal. She reached her hand up to touch the man�s face and whispered
breathily, �I love you, Mr. Darcy.� There was no trace of the fake accent she
usually used when referring to him as Jane Austen�s character.

�� Lavi�s heart skipped
a beat. No one had ever said that to him, not Bookman, or the parents he
couldn�t remember, or anyone else. He fell forward in his distraction, crashing
to the ground rather loudly.

�� Amanda gasped at
the noise, and Darcy pulled back with alarming speed. The girl fixed her
clothes hurriedly, staring, horrified, at Lavi the entire time.

�� S-sorry, guys!�
He said, desperately seeking �Lavi.� �I didn�t mean to be a voyeur!�

�� Darcy snorted but
was otherwise petrified in place.

�� Are you alright,
Lavi?� Amanda asked worriedly, her voice still a little thin from her� previous
activities.

�� Lavi wondered what
his face looked like. Amanda could be dense, so whatever emotion was on his
face must have been very blatant. �Yeah�yeah, I�m fine. Sorry guys!� He said as
he picked himself up and rushed from the room.

�� He made it all of
three steps when someone grabbed his forearm and swung him into the wall.

---

�� Yuu had been
feeling very anxious for the past few days. Not only had his dreams been
getting steadily worse, but Lenalee had asked him to keep an eye on Lavi
because she was worried. The only problem was that the other Exorcist had been
conspicuously absent since their return. He hadn�t even come for meals, and
that worried Yuu. Lavi, no matter which persona, never
skipped meals. Yuu wondered if perhaps the man had a terminal illness. It would
certainly explain his strange behavior of late. Yuu found himself
hoping that wasn�t the case and stopped himself short. No, that was ridiculous.
Of course he didn�t mind if Lavi died. He�d only regret the fact that he�d lost
a comrade on the battlefield. Personally, though, he would most likely be very
happy to have the annoying nuisance out of the way. He was only confused
because the man had been acting so strangely lately.

�� He continued on his
way to Lavi�s room, intending to use Mugen to cut through the lock. If Lavi was
going to be an idiot, he would have to be an idiot who didn�t make people worry. Sighing in annoyance, he activated his
Innocence. There was a clicking noise, and the knob turned. Realizing Lavi was
finally going to emerge, Yuu stepped back and
deactivated Mugen. He ran a few paces down the hall, hoping Lavi wouldn�t
notice him loitering there. But then, he could just act as if he was going to
his room, which, by some cosmic accident, Lavi had ended up next to.

�� He watched as the
racial mutt of an Exorcist walked�no, stumbled�from his room. Yuu gaped. It
wasn�t Lavi he was looking at. The redhead in front of him wobbled unsteadily
down the hall, swaying with each step. He looked as if he were in a daze, and
if Yuu looked at him from the front, he wouldn�t have been surprised if the
other man�s eye was as vacant as the walk suggested. He followed slowly,
careful to keep his steps quiet. He didn�t trust Lavi to be less observant than
usual, even if he seemed distracted. For all Yuu knew, Lavi�s distraction could
just be another act, used to make others open up around him more. Yuu would
have believed that, but the way the man almost ran into others as he rocked
down the hallways made him reconsider. Indeed, the man absently ordered a thin
soup and some bread before unsteadily carrying his tray to the farthest,
darkest corner of the dining hall. He faced the wall as he ate painstakingly
slowly. It took him nearly two hours to finish. Yuu would have been seething by
that point, but as much as he didn�t want to admit it, he was really worried
for the other man. He wondered what had happened to make him act so� out of it.
It must have been something drastic, because from all his experience, the other
man was very strong, both physically and mentally.

�� As the man
staggered out of the room and down the hall, Yuu walked quietly behind him
again. Halfway down the corridor, the man paused, swaying epically, and turned
to a door. Yuu wondered why he stopped at the empty room with the half-open
door. But Lavi seemed very interested, staring blatantly inside. Yuu wanted to
know what was in the room, if there was anything, but he refused to make his
presence known to Lavi. Desperately hoping something was in there, Yuu watched
Lavi stare for several minutes. Then, he keeled forward, knocking the door open
as he fell. Yuu�s heart lurched, and he ran forward. He stopped when Lavi
spoke. At first, it didn�t sound quite like Lavi, but the more he spoke, the
more it sounded like him, and that made Yuu feel relieved.

�� S-sorry, guys!�
Lavi said quickly. He paused, and after a moment, he added. �I didn�t mean to
be a voyeur!� By the end of that sentence, Lavi�s voice was almost back to
normal. Yuu was glad.

�� He heard a snort,
and Yuu realized for the first time that there had, indeed, been something�or
rather someone�in that room. His
heart felt light with relief.

�� Are you alright,
Lavi?� Came the Infernal Girl�s voice. Yuu gritted his
teeth. He didn�t want to deal with that particular idiot right now, not when he
was already dealing with one.

�� Yeah�Yeah, I�m
fine. Sorry guys!� Lavi half-shouted. He sounded
almost� panicked. Yuu got a glimpse of Lavi�s face as he fled the room. It was
the strangest thing Yuu had ever seen. His green eye was wide with shock, and
it held a confusion so deep that Yuu felt dizzy just glimpsing it. He seemed
extremely pale, and his face was the most bizarre combination of panic and
fear. Abruptly, Yuu felt his legs move underneath him in long, powerful
strides. He reached Lavi when he was only two or so meters from the room and
grabbed his forearm. Using the man�s arm as a pivot point, Yuu swung the other
man into the wall. He felt bad at the unintentional grunt Lavi made as he impacted
the hard stone, but he quickly got over it.

�� You�re not
fucking fine,� he hissed. Lavi�s eye went, if possible, wider, and he looked
more panicked than ever, like a wild animal caught in a hunter�s trap. He
struggled to get away, but Yuu refused to let him go, keeping his hands as
tight as vices around the other man�s upper arms.

�� Oooh!�
A voice with an awful, nasal American accent said softly. �You two were gonna
use that room. Sorry, guys!� He glanced at her from the corner of his eyes. She
sounded remorseful, but Yuu was sure from the state of her rumpled clothes and
disheveled hair that she wasn�t. Darcy stepped out from the room, sporting a
full-facial blush at being caught with the idiot American. Yuu looked back at
Lavi, and nearly choked on his breath at the sight before him. Lavi was limp
under his grip, his head resting listlessly against the wall. His eye was
darker than usual and as blank as a brand-new slate. Yuu recoiled immediately,
and Lavi slumped to the ground. He blinked as he hit the floor and then, with
surprising energy, ran off in the direction of his quarters. Yuu turned to the
two rumpled Exorcists and glared, shooting mind-bullets at them.

�� You don�t know
what the fuck you just did,� he said.
Turning on his heel, Yuu ran after the stupid redhead, hoping he�d be able to
catch him up.

---

�� Lavi locked the
door behind him again and collapsed against it. His knees gave out, and he slid
until he hit the floor painfully. Why had that shaken him so much? He�d seen
people in love before, and he�d never been so affected. One of his aliases had
even been a love-struck young man, so he was intimately aware of the presence
of love. But he�d never felt it, and no one had felt it for him. Not in the way
Amanda felt for Darcy. No one had ever truly cared for him, and for some reason,
that cut at him like no knife could.

�� A
while later�he didn�t know how long�a sharp knock came on the door.

�� Go away,� Lavi
said, trying to sound annoyed. It came out as a little sob. His cheeks felt
wet, and he realized he was crying again. A worried voice drifted through the
thick wood door.

�� Lavi, we have to
meet Smith�we�re having a meeting.� It was Lenalee. Lavi tried to ignore it. He
didn�t want to deal with anyone until he had sorted out what the hell was going
on in his head.

�� Just go without
me,� he choked out through his tears.

�� Lavi, are � are
you okay?�

�� Fine,� he grunted
out. He wiped his face in his new orange scarf and stood up. He unlocked the
door and faced Lenalee. To his surprise, Allen and Kanda were standing by the
rail, clearly waiting for him. No one commented on his appearance, and they let
him walk slightly behind them.

�� He wasn�t sure if
he could get through the meeting, but for the sake of appearances, he would
try. Grabbing �Lavi�s� presence in his mind, he tried again to put his mask
back on. This time, the persona simply wouldn�t come. He clenched his fists
hard enough to draw blood, but he didn�t care. Pain made him conscious of the
fact that he was still there, in the corridor, and not stuck in the confines of
his confused mind.

�� They reached
Smith�s office without him noticing, something that distressed his Bookman mind
but which Lavi didn�t particularly care about. For some reason, he was feeling
emotions, and they wouldn�t go away. He was so confused by them, never having
actually felt them before. He reached out for the unfeeling numbness he had
learned to cherish, but he couldn�t find it, and every time he thought he had
caught it, it danced mockingly out of his grasp.

�� I believe that
I�ve forgotten to tell you the current circumstances,� he heard Smith say from
far away. His voice was fuzzy, as if he was underwater.

�� Lavi was drowning,
drowning in emotions so foreign that his unfeeling mind could not comprehend
them. It made him feel sick and desperate for a breath of clarity. There was
that strange jealousy of Amanda and Darcy�s relationship, his bizarre
attraction to Yuu, that other feeling that accompanied his attraction, an
unfamiliar relaxed sensation he felt around Lenalee and Allen, and the painful
ache that came to his chest when he thought of Bookman.

�� Yes. Obviously,
from Kanda�s report of his mission, Road is still alive�� Oh yeah, Allen was
there. His voice was fuzzy, too. Lavi felt something sweep over him, that
relaxing thing that Allen�s presence caused. He was drowning in that now, and
as long as Allen talked, he couldn�t breathe, couldn�t hear, couldn�t
function.

�� He heard a
different voice respond. And then Allen�s voice was back. Lavi forced himself
to concentrate.

�� Yes, the Earl has
been spotted numerous times across the globe.� Had he missed Allen again? But
what was that about the Earl? Hadn�t Allen killed the bastard? The world
outside was making as little sense as his inner world, and he couldn�t fight
free of either.

�� So, we simply
need to kill the Earl. Don�t fail again, Moyashi.�
Sweet, crisp clarity spread through Lavi�s world, and the office began to make
sense again. There was Smith, sitting pompously at his desk. Allen�heavily
bandaged, but looking for all the world like a General--stood, back ramrod
straight, next to Lenalee, who stood with the same posture. Kanda was next to
him, shoulder nearly touching his. Miranda was not in his immediate view, but
he heard a very feminine exhale to his right and realized she must be on his
blind side.

�� I didn�t fail!�
Allen shouted back, but the lucidity of Lavi�s world was lost as Kanda�s voice
ceased.

�� But Road and the
Earl aren�t our only immediate threats.� There was that deep, pompous voice.
Lavi felt� was that anger? Why?

�� Che.� Relief spread through him.
�There�s more?� He blinked in awareness, and this time he clung desperately to
the anchor that Kanda�s voice had become. He felt something warm on his hand
and realized he was grasping Kanda�s. The man�s eyes widened in shock, and he
glared over at Lavi. He shook his hand free, scoffing. Lavi wondered vaguely
why he hadn�t yelled or ran him through with Mugen, but he couldn�t find an
answer, as his lifeline had snapped and he was once more carried into the
turbulent waters of his psyche.

�� Yes. We�ve
discerned the presence of two other Noahs. There�s an American�� Lavi
floundered for a moment as he heard Kanda scoff again ��named Chaz Gaffigan.
He�s Noah�s Strength. The other one is Noah�s Health, or the Healer. We believe
her to be a simply defensive Noah, as she�s never attacked before. No personal
information about her is known, except that she appeared around the time the
Earl was defeated in the late 1800s. There is a possibility of another Noah,
but that is, as yet, unconfirmed.�

�� Conversation
followed. It was long, and Lavi could only stare blankly at the Director�s
desk. The words all went over his head, like it was he who was underwater. If
only he could break the surface, he could understand what they were saying. But
the longer he was in the office, the deeper he seemed to sink, until he could
hear nothing at all, save for the soft silence one hears at the bottom of the
ocean.

�� The words stopped,
and he was moving. He barely registered others moving with him, and he didn�t
want that. He stopped walking, and they kept moving forward. Ducking into
another hallway, he walked without purpose until he reached his room. He tested
the knob. It was unlocked, which was not altogether strange in the Order.
People weren�t kleptomaniacs here like they were everywhere else. Personal
items stayed where they were placed, and no one simply barged into another�s
room, especially that of an Exorcist. He turned the knob and walked in, the door
creaking as it moved. He wondered why. His door had been oiled recently, so it
shouldn�t be squeaking, and yet it was. The sound acted as a line, pulling him
up out of his daze like a fish on a hook.

�� This wasn�t his
room. At least, it wasn�t his room anymore. It was the room he and Bookman had
resided in. All the bookcases and all the furniture was covered in a fine layer
of dust. His desk stood perpendicular to the head of his bed, just as it had so
many years before. His bed was still covered in the blue sheets he had used,
though they were now faded with time. A thin layer of dust covered them, too.
Only the bedspread showed that this room had once been inhabited. Not even
Lavi�s personal books had been left, and he sincerely hoped they�d been put in
the library. He wanted them back. His heart clenched suddenly. It was as if
Bookman had never existed, and somewhere along the line, Lavi�s presence had
become as tangible as a regular person�s�as if Bookman had left him behind.

�� He scoured the
room for any presence of the man, but even the slight, peppery smell of the
man�s soap had disappeared. Lavi�s chest felt heavy, so he let himself drop.

�� I� cared, he thought. I didn�t realize it, but I cared. That man
was like a father to me, and I didn�t even notice.

�� That had to be the
explanation, because he missed the man. He, Lavi, missed Bookman. And he was resentful for the fact that the man was
dead, that he would never see him again, never tease or mock him, never be
under his guidance, never learn from him�

�� Fresh, salty tears
poured down his cheeks, and Lavi cursed himself for being so damned emotional. He decided he�d lie on his
bed. At least it was comfortable. Flopping down face-first, something crumpled
under his head. He stopped crying for a moment and pulled himself up.
Underneath him, on his pillow, was a very yellowed
piece of paper with faded ink. It was folded in half, and Lavi knew, even
without his name written on the front, that it was for him. It was on his bed,
after all, and it was in Bookman�s handwriting. Carefully, he unfolded the
note, holding it gingerly as he read.

�� Lavi�

As you are currently encased in
your Innocence and seem to have no reason to wake, I have decided to move on.
The Earl is vanquished for now, and, as always, there is another war. I have
decided to take on a new apprentice, and in so doing, I release you from your
duties as heir to Bookman. He is a former Finder, only twenty years of age, and
seems dedicated to the cause. If you awaken and I am no longer of this world,
know this: you were a good apprentice.

�� The letter was not
signed. It did not need to be. Lavi folded it carefully over and laid it back
on his pillow. He couldn�t stay in this room; it was suffocating. But he
couldn�t seem to make his body move. His movements were sluggish, and it took
him long moments to stumble through the still open door. He needed somewhere to
be alone, somewhere that was his. Before he knew where he was going, he was
headed in the direction of his new room. He took all of two steps before his
legs began to feel weak. He was nothing. He had nothing. There was no purpose.
But no�he had a purpose. He needed to get to his room. He rocked forward, and
one foot tread slowly in front of the other, and then
the other followed it. His side hit the wall, and he was grateful for the
support it gave him. He was glad for the Exorcist jacket he was wearing�it
didn�t rip easily. He continued on his way, one agonizing step after another,
hoping no one would see him.

�� He passed
something white and hoped it wasn�t Allen. He kept moving lethargically, side
scraping against the wall. He stumbled and fell, but he still had a purpose. He
didn�t remember what it was, but it was important. He walked on.

�� He passed
something red. It stopped moving, but he didn�t. He needed something, and it
was in this direction. All he had to do was reach it�

�� There was his
door. That�s what he needed, that was his purpose. He opened it, and the noise
his mind was making fell away. It was just him. Him.
Who was he? He stared at his hands, and they looked particularly pale against
the burnt orange rug underneath his feet. He was orange. Orange
and pale. And green. But only a little bit of green. There had been more green once, but it was gone now. Why?

�� Oh, he had been
with Bookman. Bookman, his mentor, his caretaker, his� but who was he? He didn�t know. He had no purpose, no reason, no self. There was
nothing to him. He didn�t even have a name, a set identity. His knees felt
weak, so he let himself fall. He hit his fists on the carpeted ground, but he
felt nothing. He crawled forward to the gray stone. He sat on the edge of his
shag rug, and he pounded his fists again. Pain. There
was pain. That was something he was could feel, something he was allowed to feel. It was a personal thing.
And right now, his heart hurt. And his head�that hurt, too.
But it was not a pain that could go away. It just pulsed on steadily, not
caring that it hurt him. He wanted pain that was different from that ache. He desperately needed something
that would hurt sharply, like being run through with a sword. Or being crushed with a hammer. Yes, that sounded better.
Maybe his hands could be the hammer�or rather two hammers�and they could make
the ground hurt, too. He would feel better, maybe, if something else hurt, too.
He smashed his fists to the ground, and it hurt him. But it was a welcome pain,
made him feel like he was really there,
that he was alive, that he existed.

�� And slowly,
shaking and pounding his fists on the floor, alone and safe in the confines of
his room, Lavi broke.

---

A/N: Now you know why I cried. Don't kill us? We'll update soon? We've written
three chapters ahead and will likely be writing for the rest of the night,
which implies we will probably finish another? Also, you may have noticed that
we're using song titles! Or parodies of them, in some cases.
:D *goes off to sob at Lavi's current state*
- 5
- 6
- 7
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Innocent Rain