A Gift of Love

Notes: I'm not mentioning it in this chapter, but Ren did not end up taking Rong's advice.

The first part is a flashback to when Pin-Mei was first becoming noticeably depressed.

Jiuhuo may seem too sarcastic for her job, but she's based on someone I know who's like a big sister to me.

In rehab centers, caretakers will often engage the patients in activities at least once a day, even if they are almost 19, like Pin-Mei.

I never mentioned this before, but the shower is a rather large one. Like a bath house one, except just for one person. Oops. I’ve been deceiving you all this time!! XD

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A Gift of Love – Chapter Sixty: Lilium

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Ren opened the door slowly and peered inside. Pin-Mei was in bed, curled up in a ball.

"Why did you go to bed so early?" he asked in a rather commanding voice. Then he smirked. "Did you want me to come after you?"

He rid himself of his shirt and tossed it to the floor. Then he sat on the edge of the bed and leaned over his fiancee's thinning body. His hands crept up her back and rubbed her shoulders before carefully turning her body over.

His eyes widened as he saw the tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Pin-Mei? What's wrong?"

"I...I..." she whispered, her eyes brimming with sorrow. She wiped them away as if she were embarrassed by them. "Just...not tonight...I don't want to..."

Of course, he was slightly disappointed, but it wasn't in his nature to force such an issue. There was always tomorrow, wasn't there?

...Of course...there are no such guarantees in life that tomorrow won't be worse than the day before it.

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Ren woke up and looked at the calendar. December. The past year had gone by so slowly that it was almost painful. Soon after Rong and HoroHoro left, Ran had brought in a woman who she claimed could help Pin-Mei get better. He was thankful, but to him, talking could only do so much. There was no way she would be cured just by that.

That's what he thought anyway.

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His twentieth birthday had been a solemn reminder of how much she had changed. She only made a brief appearance, handing him a small box with a new turtledove inside. She didn't smile, only nodded when he thanked her. He had tried to make a bigger deal of it than it actually was, hoping that the praise would help improve her self-esteem. She just turned away and walked up the stairs again.

“Will you at least come to bed with me?”

She only ignored him and vanished into the darkened hallways of the medical wing. It was crushing to have her not even give him any sort of acknowledgment, but Ren calmly went to bed by himself.

Just as he was about to fall asleep, cold hands touched his back. He quickly turned to see her laying next to him, seemingly nervous.

“Pin-Mei...”

“She...She said that I should sleep beside you like you asked because it's your birthday, Lord Ren...She said it would be a good present...”

He smiled at her. “It is, you have no idea.” He had been sleeping by himself for the past five months.

“But I have one more present I want.”

“What...What is it?”

“Just call me Ren, alright?”

“If it will please you...”

But the next day, things went back to “normal”; Pin-Mei and her doctor, Jiuhuo, shut themselves up in the medical wing, only letting servants in when it was time to eat.

“There's something that bothers me a little, Pin-Mei,” Jiuhuo said as they were eating dinner one brisk February night.

Pin-Mei didn't look at her. “What?”

“Why do you feel the need to call your fiancé 'Lord'?”

She stopped. “I don't know. I just do.”

“Yes, but why? Why can't you just call him by his given name?”

“Because he's older than me.”

“I'm told that you didn't do it a year ago.”

“...It doesn't matter. He doesn't care. He likes being in control anyway.”

“Pin-Mei...it makes him really uncomfortable when you call him that.”

Her patient stared at her, a twinge of anger in her eyes. “What, did he tell you that?”

“He did, actually...”

She got visibly angry. “I'll call him whatever I want to!”

“Pin-Mei, you can't do things that you know people don't like,” Jiuhuo reasoned with her. “He's trying his best for you, telling you he loves you all the time when you never say it to him.” She sighed. “Valentine's day is coming up soon, and for your activity today we're going to practice making chocolate, and you're going to give it to him.”

“But...I've never made it before...”

“That's why it's called 'practice', Pin-Mei.”

“But I don't...”

“Are you saying you don't love him?”

“N-No! I didn't say that!”

“Then why are you so hesitant to give him a gift?”

“...Because he always looks sad afterwards...I don't like it...”

Jiuhuo couldn't help but smile. Progress. Ever since she had been here, Pin-Mei had isolated herself from Ren. She had never said why. Jiuhuo had asked once, and Pin-Mei had ignored the question. She knew no good would come from forcing an answer out of her, so she didn't ask again.

Pin-Mei looked at her right wrist, which was clad in a dark scar. “Are you sure he doesn't hate me for what I've put him through?”

“He asks about you three times a day.”

“I don't believe you.”

“Fine, don't. But you're not helping yourself by being so negative.” She drummed her fingers on the table. “Do you want him to hate you?”

Pin-Mei seemed phased by the question. “No...I just wouldn't blame him if he did.”

Jiuhuo looked at her sympathetically. “Sweetheart, he knows that you're sick, and he knows that the real you is in there somewhere. But if you keep pushing him away, eventually he's going to leave.”

Pin-Mei let out a short whimper as she snapped her head over to look at her.

“Well, it would seem as though you don't want that.”

She shook her head, slowly at first, as if she couldn't picture it happening. But as her mind began playing a cruel trick on her, the scenario became more visible, and she shook it faster.

Jiuhuo sat back in her chair “It's been nearly two months, and we've barely made any headway. Tonight is actually the greatest leap of progress we've had, and that's not a good thing. Things aren't going to get better unless you want them to get better.”

“I do...”

The doctor sighed once more, then leaned forward and looked Pin-Mei in the eye. “You don't show it. You refuse to talk to me when I ask you why you're crying, you hardly ever leave this room, you hide in the closet when Ren comes to the door...”

“Stop it! You don't understand!” she screamed covering her head.

“Then make me understand.”

Pin-Mei slowly looked up at her. Ren said the same thing the night before the engagement banquet... She started crying again.

Jiuhuo was about to sigh again when Pin-Mei interrupted her.

“I...can't do anything for him...” she whispered. “I...I'm inferior...He's the one who does everything...He always has been.”

The woman stared at her. Outside, she was blank, but inside she was jumping for joy. Finally, after two long months, she may finally be able to get the story behind the girl's sudden depression.

“What do you mean? What has he done?”

“EVERYTHING!!” she screamed. “It's always him! I never do anything anymore except bring him milk and hand him towels! The servants won't even let me cook for him anymore! Whenever I've achieved something, he's behind it!”

She was given a quizzical look and a tilted head. “You're saying your achievements are his?”

Pin-Mei nodded furiously. “When I was able to stand up to Suo, it was because he gave me that strength. It was the reason why I was able to withstand having my hair pulled and remain faithful to him! When I killed her, it was because he showed up and guided me; without him, I would have lost! When we found out Rong was pregnant, Ren was the one who took care of her and reassured her and helped her make the right decision. I barely did anything! He defended Rong when her boyfriend got irritated at her...There are just so many things over the past three years that have been piling up...

“And then...and then...the one thing that I can do...that he can't...is taken away from me. Now I can't do anything. I thought that I could at least do the thing that a wife is supposed to do and give him a son to continue the family...But I can't...my usefulness is gone...Now I'm just a trophy.”

When she looked up, Jiuhuo was staring at her own crossed legs, deep in thought. “Do you know what it means to be a trophy wife?”

“Of...Of course I do...It's a wife who can't do anything and just stands there looking pretty.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Bzzt. Wrong. A trophy wife is a very young woman who is married to an affluent, older man, and often is not his first wife. And when I say older, I mean in their forties, fifties or sixties.”

“I'm not a forty year-old coot!”

Pin-Mei gave a small smirk, then quickly hid it.

“Are you saying that Ren is an old man?”

“No, of course not. It still doesn't change the fact that I don't do anything.”

The shrink leaned forward. “Okay, say that's true. You're useless. Why would Ren keep you around?”

Pin-Mei thought for a moment. “Because I have sex with him.”

Jiuhuo raised her eyebrows. “Alright. Again, let's assume that's correct. Now, in the past eight months, how many times have you had sex with him?”

Pin-Mei blinked a few times and looked at the floor. She finally drooped her head so her face couldn't be seen and held up her hand. Her fingers were in the shape of a zero.

“Well, now, I think that means that your theory's wrong.” She pretended to think. “Hmm...now, why in the world would he keep you around?” The girl looked away from her. “Gosh, it couldn't be because he loves you like he's been telling you for the past five years, could it?” Her patient was shrinking away from her. She looked at her watch. “Let's ask him, shall we?”

No more than two seconds later, there was a knock at the door. Pin-Mei turned her head toward it curiously as her psychologist stood and walked over to the door. As she watched Jiuhuo open it, her eyes widened.

“Ah, Master Ren. On time as always.”

He seemed to ignore her greeting. “How's she doing?”

“Well...” she looked over her shoulder. “Why don't you ask her yourself?”

Ren looked into the room as a slam was heard. “Where is she?”

“The closet most likely.”

He blinked and slowly made his way to the closet in the back corner of the room, then he stopped. He sighed. “I won't force her to come talk to me if she doesn't want to.” He turned and started walking out of the room.

Jiuhuo grinned. “Maybe you should give up, Lord Ren,” she said. “It's been two months, and not a bit of progress. I bet you can find another fiancée easily. Why don't you just leave Pin-Mei and move on? Why even keep her here?”

Ren turned and glared at her. “Obviously you've never been in love before,” he said in a low voice. “If you had, you would know that when you love someone, you don't give up on them so easily.”

“Yes, but I just don't see how you can love someone who hides from you like she's scared of you. You aren't able to carry on a normal relationship with her. Again, what's the use of keeping her around?”

“She's not a pet, like a dog or cat. I don't keep her around because I have to. I do it because I want to. I'm the only family she has left, if you can even call it that. And how would me kicking her out improve her condition, hm?”

She looked at the ceiling mischievously. “I suppose you're right, Master Ren.”

“Damn right I am.” He went to leave. She turned to him.

“When will you give up?”

He mumbled and walked out, slamming the door. Jiuhuo seemed to giggle a little as Pin-Mei emerged from her hiding place.

“Wh-What did he say?”

“'Never'” She sighed. “Adorable, really.” When she looked over at Pin-Mei, she was wiping her eyes. “Hm? Something the matter?”

Pin-Mei shook her head quickly. “Let's just do the activity...”

Jiuhuo smiled. “Of course. We have plenty of time to practice.”

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September 1, 2006

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“H-Here...”

Ren looked down and took a small box wrapped in pink and gold from her hands. He carefully pulled the ribbon at the top and opened it. Inside were a few heart shaped chocolates. He looked at them, then at her.

“Did you make these?” She nodded slowly. He smiled. “Thank you.” She leaned her forehead over and he kissed it.

That night, she followed him to his room, and, to his surprise, got into bed with him. “As a present,” she reasoned. The improvement was slow, but it was there nonetheless.

Ever since that day, the memory had begun gracing his dreams, giving him hope that “His Pin-Mei” would be returning soon. But again, when February 15th came, she went back to her room in the medical wing, isolating herself once again.

When White Day arrived, he gave her his present and the corners of her mouth turned up a little more noticeably. When she thanked him, he heard a little more emotion in her voice. By the end of May, she had given him a small wave when he came to the door, no longer retreating in shame. Little by little, her smile was returning, now at half-mast.

But one morning…

“Master Ren! Master Ren!”

Ren woke up to his shoulder being frantically shaken. He groggily opened his eyes and looked over it. Jiuhuo was looking back at him, worry apparent on her face.

“I'm sorry to wake you up so early, but Pin-Mei is gone!”

His eyes shot wide open and he sat up. “What do you mean, gone?!”

The doctor played with her hands. “I went to go wake her up, and when I went to her room, her bed was empty.”

Ren jumped out of his bed and ran to throw some pants on.

“I'm so sorry for my incompetence, Master Ren. I shouldn't have let my guard down. I'll accept any punishment you wish to give me.” She watched him remove his silk pajama pants and trade them for his regular black ones.

“Don't worry about it,” he said flatly.

Still, she grimly looked at the floor. Since Pin-Mei had seemed to be overcoming her depression, Jiuhuo had given her a small amount of freedom; allowing her to sleep alone in her room, and not constantly looking over her shoulder. Now, Pin-Mei had taken advantage of that freedom and escaped. If anything happened to her, it would be her caretaker's fault.

She looked up as Ren speed walked past her. “I'll go with you!” she cried, trying to be of some use.

“No!” he said sternly. “It'll be quicker for me to do this by myself. Go back to her room and wait there in case she comes back.” He vanished, leaving a still-guilty Jiuhuo to stare after him.

He ran from room to room frantically. For some, he couldn't even justify why he was looking there at all. Once all the hiding spots in the castle had been exhausted, he ran outside. He discarded his training area, the armory, and the small wooded area. He knew where to go. As his feet touched the sand, he looked out over the ocean, quickly scanning it until he saw her.

Pin-Mei was standing up to her hips in the water, doing nothing but staring out into the distance. He breathed deeply as looked at her, trying to figure out her reason for coming here.

“Pin-Mei,” he said rather loudly.

She seemed to jump as she turned to look at him. A small smile crept onto her face and she waved at him gracefully. He ran down and stood at the water's edge, staring at her. She slowly stretched her arms out in front of her, as if beckoning him to come to her.

“What are you doing out here?” he asked, slightly annoyed, but relieved at the same time.

She just smiled. “I knew that you'd come and find me if I did.”

He blinked a few times and then looked angry. “Why didn't you just tell Jiuhuo or somebody that you wanted to see me?! I was running around the whole damn castle looking for you! Don't do this again!”

Her smile fell, and her arms lowered slightly. Her eyes quivered and she broke down crying, covering her face with her hands. Ren suddenly felt guilty. After all those months of using a gentle voice, his anger had finally broken through. He slowly waded into the water and wrapped his arms around her. He sighed into her neck.

“I'm sorry I got mad. I was just worried.”

“I...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...” she whispered. “I'm sorry Ren, please don't hate me.”

“It's okay, don't wo-,”

He stopped and his eyes grew wide. He grabbed her shoulders and stared at her.

“What...did you just call me?”

She wiped her eyes and looked up at him. “Ren...?” She suddenly looked afraid. “I only called you that because Jiuhuo wanted me to! I'll call you Lord Ren again if you want me to!”

He shook his head. “No. 'Ren' is just perfect.” He smiled at her for a moment, then turned guide her back to shore. His arm was yanked down, and he looked back to see that she had fallen into the water.

“Are you okay?”

She looked up at him innocently. “Will you carry me?”

It took him a few moments to realize it, but she was quite fine. It was just an excuse for him to touch her. He nodded and picked her up, then started walking back to the castle.

When they got back, Jiuhuo ran up to them. “Where was she?” she asked in an exasperated voice.

“The beach,” Ren replied.

“What? Why would you go there?”

Pin-Mei’s eyes sparkled. “It was one of the first places we went together, and where one of the first nice things he did for me happened.”

“Whenever she runs away, that’s where she goes most of the time.” He chuckled lightly to himself. “I should have gone there from the start.”

Pin-Mei sneezed. The other two looked at her.

“Pin-Mei…how long were you out in the water?” Ren asked.

She looked up, then shook her head. “I don’t know the exact time, but it was still dark out.”

He groaned. “That was at least two hours ago. You’re going to get sick.”

“…Oops.”

They went inside and Pin-Mei was warmed up and put into bed. After she had drifted off to sleep, Jiuhuo took Ren into another room and sat down. She seemed to be quite pleased with the situation.

“What are you smiling about?” asked Ren, who had by now put a shirt on.

“This morning could be seen as another instance that progress is being made.”

“How so?”

“Think about it. She used to hide from you, but now she’s pulled a stunt like this in order to get your attention, as if she were a child. While the feeling is immature at this point, she may be well on her way to recovery. The Lamictal and the Budeprion seem to be doing their jobs. Her mood is a little more stable, and she’s talking more; more willing to open up.”

A small smile slowly appeared. “Good.” It faded. “But you never told me why she was like this in the first place. What did this to her?”

The psychiatrist crossed her legs tilted her head. “You did.”

Horror flashed on his face. “What do you mean, me?”

She shook her head. “Sorry, that was a little too blunt. What I meant was that she developed anxiety because she felt that she could do nothing for you. Infertility was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. After that, she felt ashamed, and that’s why she hid. She felt as if she couldn’t show her face around you.”

“So why did that change?”

“I basically told her that if she wasn’t going to try, I wasn’t going to either. I can’t help her succeed if she doesn’t want it. It motivated her. If she keeps going like this, she’ll be “cured” for the most part in the not too distant future.”

“You used finger quotes…”

She sighed and looked at her feet for a few moments. “There’s just no guarantee that she won’t relapse or that her body may get used to the medicine and will cease to have any effect on her. On the flip side, there’s a chance that, yes, she may be completely cured someday, even to the point where we can wean her off of the medication. Only time will tell.”

He just nodded.

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December 10, 2006

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Ren took his eyes away from the calendar and instead stared at the ceiling. It would do him no good to dwell on how long it had been since Pin-Mei had given him a full, bright smile. He got out and threw some clothes on, and then headed down to the weight room.

For the past two weeks, Pin-Mei had isolated herself. Although Jiuhuo didn’t say it, in his mind, it was clear that it was the relapse in full effect. She had been so close to being her old self again…

He sat at the machine Pin-Mei had bought for him for his nineteenth birthday, still lost in thought. She had slapped the catalogue down in front of him and demanded that he pick one, saying that she was just curious, nothing would come out of it. Of course, she had pushed him into the weight room the moment he had woken up and proudly shown off her present to him. She had been so pleased with herself, as if she was expecting a pat on the head for the wonderful trick she had performed.

After he had worked out for about ninety minutes, he tossed his clothes on the floor and went into the shower. He stood under the water, his head drooping towards the tiled floor.

Despite the fact that Valentine’s Day was more than two months away, he found himself thinking of a present. He needed something big, something that would bring a smile to her face. He found himself lost in the dilemma of the aristocratic; being so affluent that there was little she didn’t already have.

Except a child.

That was the one thing she wanted that money couldn’t buy. True, he could let her adopt one, or arrange to have a surrogate mother, but it wouldn’t be the same. She wanted the experience, the excitement of being pregnant herself. That was almost as important as being able to raise the child.

He knew that thinking about it would make it no less unattainable, so he quickly tried to distract himself by coming up with other ideas, which were poor in quantity and quality.

Present…I need a present…

As he tried to think of a suitable gift, he thought he heard the door to the shower room open, then close. He looked up for a moment, listened, then went back to thinking, reasoning that he had imagined the sound.

The small sound of walking in puddles reached his ears moments later. Before he could react, small arms wrapped around him from behind, hands touching his chest.

“Sorry…Next time I decide to take a year-and-a-half-long vacation, I’ll get your approval first.”

At first, all he could do was stare at the floor. Then he reached up and held one of her hands.

“Yeah…You’re in a lot of trouble for doing that without even telling me,” he said quietly.

She giggled. “You can punish me for that later.”

“Oh I will, believe me.”

He took the hand he was holding and swung her around so that she was standing in front of him. He was slightly taken aback as he realized that she was wearing no more than he was, except for her long hair that was now matted against her body. She was smiling up at him, not showing a hint of embarrassment at her appearance. He tensed as she reached up and wiped his eyes.

“Don’t cry, Ren. I won’t go away again, I promise.”

He turned away from her. “I’m not crying. We’re in the shower and the water’s dripping down my face. Men my age don’t cry.”

She laughed and tilted her head. “If you say so.”

“I DO say so.”

His head was turned by her small hands, and she leaned up to kiss him. She pulled away and looked deep into his yellow eyes.

“Thanks for waiting for me.”

He was desperately trying to keep his cheeks from turning pink. “Yeah…Well…What else would I do?”

He grinned at her and then gently half-pushed-half-lowered her onto the floor. She stared up at him with wide eyes as he leaned over her.

“R-Ren…I don’t think I…”

He shook his head. “No, I know. I just want to make sure you know…” He grasped her left hand, which was next to her head. “As long as you want children, I’ll keep trying to make that happen. It may seem like I can’t do anything, but I’ll try my damn hardest for you so you can get what you want.

“I told you before that you giving birth to an heir isn’t important to me in the least. But having children is important to you, so it’s important to me too.” He kissed her. “And that’s the truth.”

She was looking up at him as if he had just said he had a cure for cancer. As he brought his left hand up to cover her right, she glanced over and saw his engagement band. She threw his other hand away and moved his ring slightly so the skin under it was uncovered.

Ren looked at her quizzically. “What are you doing?”

Pin-Mei stared at the skin. It was slightly paler than the rest of his finger.

“You…wore your ring the whole time…”

“Of course I did.”

Even after all I put him through…

She released his hand and then wrapped her arms around him and pulled him down on top of her.

“Thank you, Ren…I love you,” she whispered.

The words swept over him, sending tingles throughout his body. He hadn’t heard them in so long…They were like a breath of fresh air to him.

“I love you too.”

He noticed how she was still pulling him down against her and smirked.

"I think someone's changed her mind," he said tauntingly.

She didn't answer him directly, her lips trailing down his neck as she clutched his back. She took his left hand in her right, guiding it to her breast and pressing it down against the soft, wet skin. Ren smiled to himself. It was rare for her to act like this, as she had always taken to acting like a shy virgin before most of their lovemaking; not as if they were role playing, but it was a genuine bashfulness that had not yet been shaken from her personality. The few times this happened, he had once artfully decided to ignore her advances in order to see how far she would go before he either relented or she forcefully took what she wanted.

At this precise moment, he was feeling rather artful.

He pinned her arms to her side before rolling over and standing up, motioning to leave the shower room. She quickly got to her knees as he wrapped a towel around himself.

"Where are you going?" she cried almost frantically.

He looked back at her casually. "I'm going to get dressed."

Her eyes widened and she reached out to him. "But...But what about--!"

"Oh, that?" he replied, referring to her initiative actions from a few moments before. He grinned maliciously. "I've gone a year and a half without it - what makes you think I can't wait a little longer?"

He exited, leaving a dumbfounded Pin-Mei on the floor to stare after him.

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NOTE (5/7/08): I know this hasn't been updated in a long time, and I really do apologize for that. I AM working on the next chapter, and then they will pretty much be steady after that, since the rest are already typed up from the FF.Net version. The thing that has been holding me back is the lemon I planned for next chapter, but I'm getting over it. Expect the new chapter in June. I'm really sorry for the wait, and I thank those of you who have stuck to the story.