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Fight Me, Bite Me	By : Rhov Category: +. to F > Fairy Tail Views: 39446 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 3
Disclaimer: Fairy Tail is the property of Hiro Mashima. I make no money, I just do this for my own pleasure.

Chapter List
- 62
- 63
- 64
Chapter 63
Pushing Limits
They kept to their promise to take things slowly. Still, Gray felt troubled by Natsu's behavior lately. He simply was not acting right, but Gray could not get out of him what was going on. All he could do was make sure Natsu still went to his therapist. Hopefully, he could talk through it with a professional and work something out.
Gray was forced to realize, even after a year together, even with the promise bracelets and the oaths he said when he collared Natsu, there was so much about the Dragon Slayer that Gray did not know. He still did not fully know many of the details about Natsu's past, like his real parents, how he came to be with Igneel, and other things about himself. He rarely talked about it, and Gray understood that. After all, Gray hated to talk about his past since there was too much pain in his childhood.
All these years, they just bickered and insulted each other. Now they mostly just fucked. They leaped into this relationship without any lead-up. They fucked first, then tried dating later. Their order was all messed up, but … somehow it worked for them. Worked badly at first, they had to break up for half a year, but it still worked out in the end. They loved each other, even if the words were trapped behind a wall of phobias. They worked things out together as well as in their personal life, away from one another. Now things were getting better, they were closer, more attentive, less fucking and more simply enjoying their time together.
Still, he sometimes felt like he barely knew Natsu.
Gray figured, he needed to learn more about him. How shameful would it be if someone asked him what was Natsu's favorite color or favorite book. Hell, when was the last time he even read a book?
There was also that dark past. He felt somehow excluded. Whenever they needed to talk seriously, whenever they worked on their limits for BDSM, they always glanced off that issue. Natsu would say "I don't want to talk about it," and Gray let him be, too worried to pursue the problem and trigger something.
They at least sat down and really talked. They spent an afternoon going over their checklist, with new things added, some things banned, making adjustments as they had grown or realized their limits. Natsu began to list everything that might trigger him. He focused on words or whole phrases, since that was what affected him the most these days: Gray would say just the wrong thing, and Natsu would recall something in the past. His list of trigger phrases ended up being many sheets of paper with what Gray could only guess was practically the entire transcript of what that man in the past had said to Natsu.
And it was terrifying!
Gray set about studying those sheets, reading through the phrases. Each time, he would get only a few lines in before feeling like he needed to vomit. These were things some perverted man told Natsu as he molested him and tortured him when he was only a child. No wonder Natsu had so many issues.
Yet there was one thing not on that list. Never had the man ordered Natsu to touch himself.
So why was that a problem? How could Gray help him through it? What could he possibly do?
One day, he was with Natsu at his house in the woods. Pantherlily had decided to set up a training weekend for the Exceeds. At first, Happy had groaned at the idea until Carla said she looked forward to it, and when she suggested they could all go swimming in the ocean afterward, Happy became suddenly eager to go. So Natsu and Gray had the house to themselves for two days.
Their first day together had been a mix of sensual and domestic. Gray thought it was sweet that Natsu pretty much wanted to play wife. Of course, he tried to punch Gray when he put it that way.
"So then, do you want to play at being my husband?"
The look of shock, embarrassment, and joy that played over Natsu's face was too much. The idea filled both of them with pride. Playing at being husbands! When Natsu began to cook dinner wearing nothing but an apron, Gray could not control himself. With a pot of soup bubbling to the side and olive oil dripping everywhere as a lube, he fucked Natsu right against the kitchen sink.
After that, they managed to settle down. Natsu stopped teasing his ass at Gray at every opportunity—only a few times, not all the time—and Gray stopped popping boners every few minutes. They ate dinner and cleaned up, they sat outside to watch the stars in the forest and talked about old battles like a couple of geezers, they made out in the open—just kissing and rubbing their bodies up against each other—and they went back inside to cuddle in bed and fall asleep together.
Life could be like this all the time.
Morning came with sunlight slanting through the window. Gray woke first, feeling relaxed and happy with life. When he glanced over at Natsu still sleeping, he noticed the blankets.
Natsu had one hell of an erection that morning.
Gray almost touched it, but he realized that groping Natsu without asking permission was probably a really bad idea. He kissed Natsu's cheek instead, and the Dragon Slayer stirred. Gray kissed him again, and Natsu grumbled in annoyance.
"Come on, wake up." He kissed him some more.
Natsu stretched, but he must have felt the strain right away, because his hands reached down to cover it before his eyes were fully open.
"Can I help with that?" asked Gray.
"Damn, yes," Natsu moaned, still not fully awake.
Gray pulled back the covers and saw just how erect Natsu was, fully stiffened and hot to the touch.
"Oh dang, you're hard."
Natsu lifted his hips and Gray yanked the pajama pants down. It did not take them long to get naked, and as Gray rubbed the swollen cock, he realized he was getting intensely aroused just seeing it. Maybe it was because it was morning and he was slightly aroused anyway, maybe because the idea of sex first thing in the morning was something he simply liked, but he wanted to take Natsu just as he was, bed-head hair, eyes barely able to open, pillow lines on his face: he wanted to fuck him awake.
"I'm gonna make this quick, okay?"
Natsu still looked reluctant to wake up, but he nodded and hummed.
"Don't even bother holding back this time."
"Mmmm, too early. Just do it."
Gray grabbed the lube and began to finger Natsu, encouraging him to loosen up. Gray loved to take Natsu in his own bed. Although it was small and not exactly firm, just knowing that Natsu would smell the musk of sex in his pillows and mattress for days to come was a turn on. He liked to let Natsu drip onto his sheets, pre-cum and lube moistening the covers, purely so he would be able to smell himself later on.
"You're really wet today," he said, licking over Natsu's balls and watching the cock drip with excitement.
"Nngh! I need it," Natsu said, panting hard. "I don't normally get it first thing in the morning."
"Mmm, I should stay over more often." Gray pulled his fingers out, scooted around Natsu to sit with his back against the headboard, and hoisted him to be sitting on top of his lap. "Spread your ass," he ordered. "I'm going in."
Lube shimmered as Natsu pulled his butt cheeks apart. Gray eased Natsu down to sit right on top of his dick. Natsu quivered as it slowly slid inside and filled him.
"There. All in. Now…" Gray reached around and began to stroke Natsu. "It's like touching myself this way. My cock is in there, but look … another cock has sprouted just a little further ahead. It's like my cock's growing out of you."
"Oh damn, Gray," Natsu moaned.
"Touch my cock."
"Uh … huh?"
Gray took Natsu's hand, set it right on top of his, and froze the two together. When he moved his fingers, Natsu's moved with them.
"See, they're together. Snug like a glove." Then Gray reached to Natsu's cock again. As he wrapped his fingers around it, Natsu's own hand was forced to move.
Natsu gasped and tried to pull his hand away, but the bonding of the ice was strong.
"It's my hand, Natsu. Do you feel my fingers on your dick? It's cold, right?" Just to be sure, he frosted his hand over, and Natsu howled at the painful chill touching his hot erection. "My hand is touching you. You're not touching yourself."
He said that, but to Natsu it was his own hand making the jerking movements.
"You're touching my hand. My hand just happens to be touching your dick. That's all."
"R-right." Natsu focused on his words and the sensation of Gray's hand rubbing him so good, a bit cold but so firm in his grasp. It felt amazing, the fullness of Gray's cock in him, those fingers sliding up and down. He wanted to focus on that, enjoy it fully, but something was wrong. He flinched and shook his head. "Restrain me. Both hands. Quick!"
Gray languidly kissed Natsu's neck while flexing his hips to thrust in at a sleepy pace. "If I restrain both hands, how am I going to touch you? Your hand is on my hand, after all. It's restrained already."
"No, Gray … I'm serious."
Gray licked up his neck, getting into the moment. "You're just following my hand—"
"No!" he snapped angrily. His eyes fiercely glared back at Gray. Natsu looked truly enraged, but when he spoke again, his voice trembled softly. "I've told you before, Gray. I can't touch myself."
"I know," he said, trying to sound soothing. "That's why I'm going to help you. Your hand isn't touching—"
"It's the same feeling, so just don't."
"Okay, okay!"
He unfrosted their hands, and Natsu yanked away, right off from Gray's cock. He scooted across the mattress to get away and cradled his hand to his chest as if it had been hurt. Gray felt a stab of guilt. The day had barely even begun, and already they were facing this. He just wanted some sleepy morning sex and to assist in easing away his fears. Instead, he made Natsu curl up like a hurt pet.
"Sorry. I just wanted to help. You still haven't told me why this is such an issue, so I'm not sure how to help you."
Natsu looked aside and grumbled, "I don't want to talk about it."
"Oh, come on!"
Maybe because it was morning and he was not awake enough to watch himself, but Gray let that burst of frustration explode out, instantly regretting it.
Dammit, don't yell at him! What the hell are you doing? He's scared of something. Don't yell!
Still, he had to be honest with himself, and honest with Natsu. If it was bothering him this much, Natsu needed to know that it was a problem for him, so they could work on it together.
"We've been dating for over a year, and there are layers to you that I just don't know about. I want to know more about you, everything about you."
Natsu flinched hard and pulled back to the foot of the bed. "I'm feeling too damn good. Don't ruin this for me, please. Don't … don't make me," he pleaded with anguish in his face.
Those scared eyes ached Gray's heart. "I'm sorry. I just…" What was it about masturbating that could trigger something this drastic? He felt like he could not ask, and he knew he would not get an answer anyway. "You said maybe we could work up to it, and I thought this would be best, me touching you, but your hand following along. Do you not want to try it at all?"
Natsu bit his lip and looked aside with a scowl. "I don't know."
"I mean, we don't have to," he assured.
Gray really wanted to help him defeat this block, just as they had made progress in so many other things. It was only masturbation, so he figured it should be a simple victory.
"Natsu, you need to tell me what…" No, not what's wrong. Natsu did not want to talk about that, and Gray had to accept this. "What can I do?" he asked instead. "If you want to work on this, I'll help you work on it, but if this needs to be a hard limit, you've got to tell me. You've gotta be honest."
"I don't know," Natsu said in frustration, clenching his fists and pulling away more. "I wanna work on it, I really do. I want to get over it." He peeked over to Gray with a worried look, like a dog afraid it was about to get in trouble. "Don't give up on me," he pleaded with a shivering voice.
Gray reached out to him and rubbed his arm, smiling with reassurance. "I'm not going to, but I'd like to know how to help."
"I don't know," Natsu snapped, shrinking down in frustration and glaring at his clenched hands.
Gray reached up and smoothed out the furrow in his brow. He petted Natsu's hair, stroking down some of the parts that stuck out at weird angles. As soon as he saw the tenseness in the shoulders loosening, Gray eased himself in a little closer, ready to back off if Natsu was not comfortable with the proximity. Thankfully, Natsu swayed his body into Gray's direction, and he met him side by side. Gray wrapped his arm around Natsu's shoulders, and Natsu leaned into Gray's chest, still with a deep scowl, yet he realized he needed the comfort.
"It's nothing to be ashamed of," Gray said, trying to be consoling. "It's normal for guys to touch themselves."
Natsu scoffed wryly. "I'm anything but normal, Gray."
"You're phenomenal," he praised.
Gray caressed Natsu's body, hoping to ease his mind and calm his emotions. Gray still wanted him—God, he wanted to fuck him!—but he wanted Natsu to be calm first so he could enjoy it. So he caressed Natsu with both hands while still half-hugging him and being someone to lean on.
"Seeing you so aroused by me," he whispered, breathing cold air onto Natsu's ear, "wanting it so badly, reduced to touching yourself, knowing I'm the one making you this wild … it really turns me on. Makes my mouth drool."
Natsu suddenly flinched hard, as if in mental pain. "Gray, don't," he said in a panicked warning.
Gray pulled back. Shit, what did he say this time? None of those phrases were on the trigger list. He really wanted to help somehow. At least the comforting part seemed to work. He had to soothe his dragon before he could mount him.
He leaned in close to Natsu's ear and breathed frostily, "I want to take care of my beloved dragon."
Natsu immediately loosened up and hummed.
Gray rubbed cautiously. "I want to spoil you, make you happy. I want to make you blush, make you go wild, watch your body lose control under my ice." He chilled his hands down, hoping to keep Natsu in the moment with frosty touches.
Natsu gasped at the cold touches slicing through the darkness. He hummed and leaned into the cuddling hug.
"Knowing I can do this to you: it's empowering." He nipped the side of Natsu's neck, where Gray knew he was sensitive. "Do you like when I make you hard for me?"
Natsu squirmed under Gray's erotic caresses. "Y-yes. I like it."
Gray began to kiss him, but paused before he got too far. "Are you okay for more, or do we need to stop?"
"No. Don't stop. Damn, don't stop," he moaned. "But restrain me. I want your ice to bind me."
"Mmm … I love doing that to you. Lie down. Put your arms up."
Natsu eagerly took a familiar position, with his hands up by the headboard. Gray trapped his wrists in crystalline handcuffs, and Natsu looked deeply relieved as he pulled and heard the ice clink together.
Gray grabbed his cheeks and turned his face up. "Look at me."
The eyes that met him were drowning in passion and sinking away from the worries of the world. Gray dragged his hand down Natsu's body, over his neck, chest, stomach, hips, and down to his groin, where he stroked up.
"Is that good?"
Natsu's mouth dropped open, and he nodded rapidly, already breathing hard.
"Do you ever get aroused in this bed when you think about me?"
Natsu laughed awkwardly. "All the time. Every morning."
"Every morning, huh?" Gray nibbled along Natsu's neck and got him to moan. "So it wasn't just today? Do I give you a woody every morning? Were you dreaming about me doing naughty things to you?" His cold hand caressed over Natsu's balls.
"Gaah! Y-yes! I … I did."
"What did you dream about?" Gray asked, sliding a finger back inside Natsu's ass.
"Nnngh! I … I dream … nnngh … lots of stuff."
He lazily slid the finger in and out. "Do you dream about taking my ass?"
Natsu bit his lower lip and nodded frantically.
"Was that what you were dreaming about last night?" he asked, added a second finger.
Natsu tensed up for a moment before forcefully loosening up. "Nnngh … y-yes."
"Yeah?" He thrust his fingers in deep and twisted them, feeling just how loose and ready Natsu was. "Were you in my ass?"
"Yesssssss."
"Facing front, or from behind?"
"Um … from behind."
Gray pulled his fingers out, grabbed Natsu's body, and spun him to be chest-down on the mattress, twisting the ice handcuffs a bit.
"Like this?" He grabbed Natsu's hips and thrust in from behind, sliding right back to where he had been a few minutes ago. Natsu groaned loudly, but he pushed back into it, getting Gray to go even deeper. "Did I feel tight around you?"
"God, yes!" Natsu's back arched up as Gray began to grind into him.
"Where?"
"K-kitchen. Ugh … ahhh … the table."
"Were you fucking me against the table?" He slammed in.
"Oh God! Yes. You were … nngh … s-standing but you were leaned over it."
Gray rammed in as he imagined it. "Fuck, that's kinky." He could picture it, him naked in the kitchen, Natsu slamming him down to the table, thrusting that monstrous cock into him right there where they ate their food every day. Shit, he could see in his mind precisely how that would be! "You really wanna do that, huh? Have you ever woken up humping into your mattress, imagining I'm under you?"
"I … nnngh … I don't … ahhh … don't know. Maybe I've done it."
"I have … nngh. Woke up humping the fuck out of one of my pillows, imagining it was you." He gave a few rapid full slams of his hips to show what he meant, and Natsu cried out. "Get your hips up," Gray ordered, and Natsu pulled himself up onto his knees. Gray reached around and began to stroke him. He was so wet, dripping so much already. "I wonder if maybe you've actually jerked off in your sleep to those dreams."
Natsu went from enjoying it to flinching again and looking guilty.
Although he was behind Natsu, Gray felt his body flinch. "Sorry," he whispered. That was too much, and he regretted saying it. "I'd just really like to see you touch … here."
He gave a firm thrust down, instantly met by a hip jerk backward as Natsu moaned at the touch.
"Guess it was a good thing I slept over, huh? It would have been a waste to have a dream that hot and not tell me about it, let me peek into that perverted head of yours, and fuck you as you fantasize. Plus it feels better to deal with morning wood, right? It's like that burst of pleasure makes the morning a hundred times better. I wanna help you get to that point."
Natsu's eyes widened in terror. "Gray."
"Just release one hand…" He reached up to adjust the ice handcuffs.
"No!" Natsu shouted, although the word was choked back after he screamed it. "Red! Stop it right now."
Gray jolted back, stunned out of his playfulness by the safeword. He saw Natsu with his eyes slammed shut, the hands he had restrained were clenched, and his whole body shook. His breathing came in staccato gasps, and his parted lips trembled.
"Oh shit!" He had triggered something bad. He immediately pulled out. "Natsu? We don't have to do anything, okay? We won't do it." Still, he was shaking. "I'm not touching you. Calm down."
The Dragon Slayer glared up at him, and Gray was shocked to see so much anger in his scathing snarl. If he was not handcuffed to the bed, Gray had a feeling that Natsu might have actually leaped at him and attacked.
"Goddamn you, Gray. You couldn't just let me have some fun. You had to go dig up the worst of it."
Oooh shit!
"I don't want to edge into that darkness right now."
"Then we won't."
"I can't…" He choked up. "I don't trust myself."
"I trust you," Gray said confidently.
Natsu's eyes narrowed and went cold. "You don't know what I'm capable of doing."
Gray scoffed lightly at that. "I see you fight all the time. I know your strengths, your weaknesses, your fighting style, just how stupidly destructive you are. I know what you can do."
Natsu laughed, yet his hard gaze and low chuckle were anything but merry. "No, you don't," he whispered ominously. He wanted to push that darkness away, to enjoy this moment. However, the shadow in the back of his mind had dulled all the brilliant light of Gray's love. He gave a growling sigh. "Dammit. Release me."
Gray was dumbstruck. "What?"
"Let me go," he shouted. "It's ruined."
"What is?"
"The mood!" He turned his head aside to harness in that anger. He did not want to take this out on Gray. "I'm just not in the mood anymore."
"Natsu, what…?"
"Let me go. Now!"
"All right, all right. Calm down. I'm sorry."
Gray knew not to try asking anything just yet. He melted the ice binding Natsu's wrists. Before he could soothe him, the Dragon Slayer yanked away, rolled to the edge of the bed to sit up, and pulled his scarf back on. He held the white muffler tightly, and his eyes blazed with rage.
Gray sat on the bed and saw the hunch to Natsu's shoulders. He felt such intense guilt for pushing him to this point. This was supposed to be an easy hurdle to help Natsu through his past. What the hell was going on? Why did he react so horribly? It was just masturbation! This should have been easy.
They were both silent, Gray watching the Dragon Slayer with caution now, and Natsu glaring at the floor.
Finally, Gray asked, "Seriously, what's going on? Why are you mad?" He had gotten used to Natsu freaking out in terror, but rarely did he see this furious side to him.
Natsu's scowl was still bitter as he looked over at Gray and glared hard. "You think you know me, huh?"
Gray remembered what he had thought earlier, how he hardly knew Natsu at all.
"You don't know that side of me, Gray."
Side of him? "I told you, I want to get to know everything about you."
"Everything?" He asked it as if warning that Gray was about to open a box full of snakes. "Do you think I'm capable of killing a person?"
A chill ran down his arms. Kill? He knew the story Natsu told him, that he had murdered the man who held him captive years ago, and apparently he had killed many people during that time.
Trying to be delicate about the issue, Gray muttered, "I've seen you almost do it so many times in fights—"
Natsu shouted over his meek words, "Do you think I'm capable of … of…" He choked as the dark memory swelled out from the back of his mind, blinding and gagging him. His throat strained to relax, and he whispered hoarsely, "…of outright butchering people?"
Gray's mouth opened, but really, what could he say? He could imagine Natsu being reckless and accidentally setting innocent bystanders on fire, but murder? Butchering? And people, more than one! He looked at those squinty eyes, and he just couldn't imagine it. Natsu was too playful, too immature, too idiotic to be a murderer. Even at his worst, even faced with losing friends, Natsu rarely fought to kill. Even then, he only burned; he never butchered.
"I can see in your eyes, you're thinking that's crazy," Natsu answered for him. "But that's what I did … and worse." He snuffled and looked down at the floor in shame. "It scares me, Gray. Knowing what I'm capable of doing—what I've done in the past—scares me." He hugged himself and pulled further away. "And … and I just can't trust myself. That's why I need to be restrained."
"We can work through it."
"No. Not at this time. Even…" His voice drifted off, and Natsu felt burning in his eyes as tears gathered. "Dammit." He kept his face away and wiped his eyes quickly, hoping none fell down his cheek. "Even on our best times together, for a split second, I really have to fight the instinct to attack you. I feel myself pulling at the restraints. I want you so badly," he said in anguish, hoping to emphasize that this wasn't an issue of him not wanting sex. "Still, for how much I love it, how much I'm desperate for it, still … I have to fight that instinct."
Gray looked at him levelly. "What instinct?"
Natsu still could not meet his eyes. He raised his head, wanting to hold back his tears, but still he snuffled moistly. "To kill whoever is touching me like that." He gulped thickly, choking on those tears he refused to let fall. "To squeeze their neck and kill them."
As his lip trembled, Natsu knew he was going to be defeated by his emotions once more. He closed his eyes, and the moist heat flowed out. He tasted the saltiness of a tear that streamed down his face and across his lip.
"Dammit, Gray, I love you, but every time we make love—" He finally looked back and faced Gray steadily. Gray saw the fear and anguish in that tear-stained face as Natsu said in mild shock, "—I want to kill you."
Gray's mouth dropped. Wait, kill? Him? Natsu wanted to … what? It made no sense. All these months, all those times they had made love … an instinct? To kill him?
"E- … every time?" he whispered.
Natsu nodded sadly. "Every single time. Sometimes it's just a brief flash and I can ignore it, but sometimes … I feel my hands clenching, wanting to choke your throat. Can you even comprehend how terrifying that is to me, knowing a part of me wants to kill the man I love?"
Probably about as terrifying as suddenly learning that his boyfriend had thought about strangling him.
The tears completely overwhelmed Natsu. His head dropped as those salty streams dripped to the floor. Gray rubbed his hand up Natsu's back, trying to instill reassurance while he processed what he had just been told. Natsu flopped over and rested his head against Gray's shoulder, still keeping his face down, but now he let himself snuffle, his body shaking. He felt the tears cascading to his chin and the tip of his nose, then drip down to his bedroom floor.
"I can't hurt you like that," he whispered between jolting sobs. "If I flip out and hurt you that badly … if … if I kill you … I'd want to kill myself."
Gray wrapped his arms around the bare shoulders and yanked the Dragon Slayer in. "Natsu, don't ever say that."
"I would," Natsu insisted sadly. "I can't kill you, Gray. I can punch you, bash your face in," he chuckled through tears, "set you on fire, send you flying across the room, but…" His shoulders shuddered as he took in an unsteady breath, "…there is no way I can kill you." His face darkened with memories. "But we've come that close before, haven't we?"
Gray flinched. It was true; some of their fights in the past had been brutal. One in particular, when the demon met the Devil Slayer … for a few minutes, Gray honestly had thought about killing Natsu. That entire war was a dark memory now.
"That side of me, the dark and horrible side that wants to kill, scares the hell out of me. That's why I need to be restrained. I don't trust myself. I still feel that way, after all these years. Even though it's you, and I love you, and I want to be with you more than anything, still … somewhere in the back of my head, I want to attack you. I still pull at the restraints. That's why I know I still need them."
Gray wanted to comfort him, but … how? What could he do besides hold him like this?
"Y'know, I have a bit of a contest with myself," Natsu admitted. "I'm not sure when I started to do this. I decided that the one time I don't pull at the restraints like that—if I ever don't feel like I want to attack and kill you—if I can do that just once," he shouted, "I'll try doing it without any restraints next time."
Finally, he looked up and gazed into those worried eyes.
"It hasn't happened yet," Natsu said with a face anguished and begging for forgiveness. "I haven't stopped feeling that way. I still pull on the restraints. Even those times we don't use them, I still … I still feel that way. Even if it's just for a split second, every time—every single goddamn time—a part of me wants to kill you. I can fight it, but it's still there. I don't trust myself, and I don't want to push those limits, because this is you, and I don't want to hurt you. So, please." He wanted to say more, but he gave up with a sigh and looked away. "Just don't try to force me." The misery shuddered in his voice. "If I can make it through sex without being tied up, that's great, but if I say I need to be restrained, that means I've thought about it, and I'm scared, so … for my sake, restrain me. When I'm ready, believe me, I'll let you know."
Gray could do nothing more than accept that limit. He loved seeing Natsu restrained, but now he worried about why he needed that. Did it really haunt Natsu every single time?
They sat together silently for a solid minute, but Natsu refused to raise his head. Tears still dripped from his face. Gray was lost thinking through so many moments in the past, moments when Natsu had shown fear during sex, followed by requesting to be immobilized. Had each of those times truly been a surging instinct to kill him? It was disturbing to thinking about it, so he could only imagine how horrifying it was for Natsu to feel that. Here he felt guilty just because he couldn't say I love you, while Natsu was drowning in guilt from dark instincts to kill him.
"We'll stop."
Natsu looked over sharply. "Stop?"
"Sex. That's the issue, right? You only get these problems during sex. So, we'll stop."
"Wha-…? No!" Natsu's voice almost cracked as he shouted.
"I don't need sex, Natsu. I need you. If it's mentally torturing you—"
"I still want it, Gray. Really, I do."
"But—"
"If I give up now, I admit defeat," he shouted. "There is no way I'm letting that bastard win. We're fighting this together, so please … please, don't give up on me."
Fighting together, huh? He supposed Natsu could not fight this battle alone with his other issue. Thinking of that, why couldn't Natsu masturbate? What had happened that made him so terrified? While they were talking like this, Gray figured he should bring that up again. If they were already in such a sullen mood, they might as well deal with every shitty thing all at once.
"What does any of this have to do with you touching yourself? You always tend to avoid talking about it, or you change the subject." Like he just did again, Gray realized, but he did not want to accuse Natsu. This was a delicate issue, after all. "I get that it has something to do with your past, but … what? You said it's not something that man made you do, but it seems to be related to that time, and you've never been able to do it. Can you tell me why, what happens to you, what's going through your mind that makes you freak out so badly?"
Natsu was quiet for a long time, staring ahead with a face so contorted, Gray could not tell if it was anger, disgust, or terror in his eyes. Maybe all three. When he finally spoke, it was soft, hesitant, and broken.
"Why … I can't … get myself off?"
"Yeah. Just explain it to me. Maybe if you talk about it, I can help you better, help you in a way that doesn't make you freak out like this. At the very least, I can avoid doing things."
Natsu turned his face aside, and Gray felt him trying to pull away. He refused to release Natsu's shoulders, but the Dragon Slayer had pretty much just turned from him. Gray desperately wanted to help him get over this, but first he needed to know what he was up against. If he remained in the dark, he might mess up again in the future.
So what Natsu told him felt like a punch in the gut.
"I don't think I can tell you that yet."
It took all of Gray's self-control to hold back from shouting Trust me! Having this sort of barrier between them stabbed at Gray's heart. He wanted to help Natsu so badly, but he could do nothing if he refused to turn to him.
"Why?" he whispered, although deep inside he wanted to scream that question.
Still, it took Natsu a long time to reply, and his voice was unsteady. "That's … it has to do with…" His shoulders spasmed in a shudder.
"With what that man did to you—"
"No!" Natsu gulped hard as he steadied his breathing. Still, when he spoke, it sounded like he was barely holding back from vomiting. "With what happened afterward."
That was unexpected. "Afterward?"
"Yeah. After I killed him. After … I went insane."
Gray stared mutely. He knew about the torture, and about Natsu killing that man. Natsu had hinted that he had killed more people than just that pervert, and Gray understood how that could be dark. Still, how did all of that tie into this issue?
'You had to go dig up the worst of it.'
"After … you killed him … did you…"
"Don't!" he shrieked. Natsu's face fell into his hands, and through sobs he whispered, "Just … don't. Don't make me talk about it. Not right now. I'm not ready. I'm … I'm not ready … t-to think about it." He hiccuped a sob. "I don't want to remember. Please, don't make me."
"All right." He began to reach forward. "I'm sor-…"
As soon as his cold fingers brushed against Natsu's skin, the Dragon Slayer yanked away. "Don't! Don't you fucking touc-…" Natsu froze when he looked over and saw it was still Gray next to him. "Sorry. Just … just don't. Not right now."
Gray pulled his hand back cautiously. "Sorry," he muttered.
"No. No, it's not you. It's … Dammit," he whispered in frustration. "I'm sorry, Gray, but can you leave?"
"W-what?"
"Leave!" he snapped, but Natsu's voice instantly dropped back into a fragile whisper. "Sorry, but I don't want you to be around me when I'm like this."
"Natsu, I'm going to be by you no matter what," he insisted loyally.
Although Gray's determination made Natsu smile faintly, he still could not face the ice wizard. "I … don't want you around when I'm like this. I don't want anyone to see me this way. Not you, and not even Happy. I don't trust myself right now, and it's scaring me. I can't work through this with you here. So please, Gray. I … I need to be alone."
Gray looked aside. He had triggered something truly bad. His duty as a dominant was to make sure the psychological side of what they did as a couple did not traumatize Natsu. But what happened if the scars were already there, already traumatizing, and his presence only made things worse? What was he supposed to do then? Get up and leave?
Sadly, Gray could not think of anything better to do. Makarov's words again came back to him: 'Realize that, at any time, either one of you might simply need to just step back.' They had needed separation before. Plus he knew Natsu would hate himself for hurting a friend. If he was having flashbacks and violent outbursts, then having Gray nearby would obviously terrify him.
He rose off the bed, got dressed, and walked to the door. He looked back and eyed the hunched, shivering, naked body, so vulnerable sitting alone in that room.
"Natsu?"
"Go, Gray."
Still, he hesitated, wishing he could think of something that would make it all better. He had pushed Natsu's limits, pressed too far into what he already knew was a tender zone, and ended up hurting his lover far deeper than he ever imagined.
"Sorry," he whispered, and he turned.
"Gray."
He bolted right back around with some hope.
Natsu managed to look up at him, tears in his eyes, but a tiny smile. "I'm not angry at you. I just need to work through this on my own."
That restored his confidence a little. "I understand," he said with a relieved smile. "Are you going to be okay?"
"Yeah, I just need to be alone."
"All right. I'll…" He almost offered to return for dinner, but he figured Natsu would call him back whenever he was ready. At that moment, he just had to give Natsu some space. "All right," he whispered, and he left the little cottage in the woods.
Gray stepped out into the sunlight filtering in through the trees. It was still early morning. He had hoped to spend the whole day with Natsu, but now … he almost felt like brooding at home, hating himself for hurting Natsu so deeply, but he also recalled what his therapist said. 'If he has a flashback, it's not that you failed him. You are not responsible for healing Natsu. You are not at fault for every trigger that affects him.'
It was so hard to accept that, though.
As Gray walked down the path heading to town, he heard something inside the house smash and Natsu bellowing.
"I hate this! I hate that bastard! I wish I could kill him again. Why the hell am I so messed up? Goddammit, I hate this!"
Gray took two steps back to the house, but then he heard wailing sobs. This was what Natsu did not want anyone to see. He was Natsu Dragneel, after all. He was Salamander and the son of Igneel, the flame dragon king! He had the pride of being the Fire Dragon Slayer. Natsu did not want anyone to know just how weak he was deep inside.
"I'll still be here for you," Gray whispered in an oath. Then he turned as he heard a wooden chair shattering, and he left the forest so Natsu could rage in private.
End of Chapter 63
A/N: I realized it might not be clear, especially for people who don't read the manga (in which case, this is a SPOILER so you should stop reading this note now) but when Natsu says he and Gray have come close to killing one another before, he's talking about a fight the two have in the Alvarez Arc, Chapter 506 if anyone wants to relive that epic brawl. In that scene, for a few minutes Natsu was flat out insane—ahem…E.N.D.…ahem—and Gray probably honestly did want to kill him before Erza talked sense into them both.
Audio drama: https://chirb.it/xG0AIA
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