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Fight Me, Bite Me	By : Rhov Category: +. to F > Fairy Tail Views: 39446 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 3
Disclaimer: Fairy Tail is the property of Hiro Mashima. I make no money, I just do this for my own pleasure.

Chapter List
- 64
- 65
- 66
TRIGGER WARNING:
I rarely use trigger warnings—I feel they have no place in literature and ruin a good story—but this time I think I need one, given what I know about some of my audience due to the comments. This chapter is what readers have been waiting for, but it could definitely trigger panic attacks if you have PTSD due to childhood trauma, abuse, rape, etc. Read with caution. If you truly do have PTSD, for one, please talk to a therapist about coping mechanisms so you don't need trigger warnings in the future, but for now, keep a cup of ice nearby. If you feel a flashback triggering, hold the ice. And set an appointment to see a psychological therapist. Actual triggers from trauma need to be addressed and worked on with a professional.
Chapter 65
The Taboo Secret
"Love blinds us, but don't be so blind that you don't see if something is obviously hurting you both."
Who said those words to him? Makarov? It felt like ages ago, yet as Gray slowly regained consciousness, those were the words that lingered from some dark dream.
When he fully came to his senses and felt pain, he realized that maybe not all of it had been a mere dream. His throat was so swollen, he could not swallow, and drool had collected on the pillow under him. His nose had gauze shoved up, and a tooth hurt. He felt dizzy, like he needed to breathe more, yet his throat let only a small stream of air through.
"So, you're awake."
Gray opened his eyes and saw pink hair. Natsu? No, a wrinkled face came into focus. Porlyusica? What was she doing here? Where was he? What happened?
"Hnngh…"
"Don't talk yet. Your vocal chords were crushed. I managed to save your life, but it'll take magical healing to fix your voice. Blink to tell me how many fingers I'm holding up." He blinked three times. "Follow my finger with your eyes." She waved it side to side, and Gray watched it. "Can you lift your arm straight up?"
Gray tried, but part of his arm felt like it was asleep. Porlyusica took his floppy wrist and held it. She scratched her fingernail on the palm of his hand.
"Do you feel that?"
"No," he said, but he cringed at the pain of his own voice.
"Don't talk. Blink once for yes, twice for no."
She went through a whole inspection of his body, testing out sensation in his hands, arms, shoulders, torso, legs, and feet. As Gray realized he was numb in many places, dread began to set in.
"Am I … paralyzed?"
Porlyusica stared at him without an movement to her permanently scowling face, and then she turned away. "You'll be fine."
It did not sound like she was telling the truth.
"You suffered prolonged loss of oxygen to the brain. You have multiple fractures in the cartilage in the larynx. You've also damaged the fifth and sixth vertebrae. Wendy should be able to heal it. Your spine isn't broken, just extremely swollen, which is putting pressure on the nerves and causing the paralysis." She paused and looked disturbed. "If he had squeezed an inch higher, the nerve damage could have been fatal. As it is, you'll be fine," she insisted in a cranky tone. "I gave you something for the pain. Sleep if you need."
"Na- … -tsu?"
"Natsu is outside. Don't talk."
"T- … tell him … I'm sorry."
"Funny, because that's what he told me to tell you." Porlyusica went over to a pot and began to mix herbs into some water. "You know, I saw Natsu when he first came in after a really horrific ordeal."
Gray's eyes widened. A horrific ordeal? Of course! That day. "You … know?"
"I was the first healer to examine him. He nearly killed me."
"What?" Gray cringed as his near-shout made his throat flash in blinding pain.
"I said don't talk. Your larynx is severely damaged." Porlyusica touched her own neck with phantom memories. "He tried to strangle me. No, more than that. I seriously thought he was trying to rip my head off. I was paralyzed for a month, probably looked much like you do now. I don't know what you did, I don't know what button you pushed, but you pushed it hard."
Gray shut his eyes as pain gave way to dizziness. "I know."
She stirred the herbs, sniffed, drew back in disgust, and added more. "I probably shouldn't let him in. I should ask Makarov to lock him up until we can get him into some professional help."
A tear slipped out of Gray's eye. He could only imagine how devastated Natsu must be now. He was sane again, and he had to live with the knowledge of what he just did.
"It's … my fault," he sighed.
"Maybe so," she said, unconcerned with faults and guilt, "but that boy needs help. He's strong, and strength in the hands of someone mentally unhinged is dangerous."
"Don't … want him … locked up."
Porlyusica glanced at Gray with worry. "Are you mad at him?"
"No."
"Are you scared of him?"
Gray found himself hesitating. He looked aside and frowned in concern over his own uncertainty over that question. "He's sane, right?"
"Yes, he's sane for now."
"Then … it's … okay."
Porlyusica still looked torn between worry and determination, like she was trying to right a wrong of the past but feared a repeat of tragic events.
"Do you want to see him?" she asked quietly.
The dizziness left. Was Natsu there? Was he okay? "Yes. Please."
She got up, walked to her door, and shouted out into the darkness, "Hey, smelly, he's awake."
Feet trampled forward, and Natsu burst into the room. "Gray!" He flung himself on top of his boyfriend, and Porlyusica had to yank Natsu off before he hurt him worse. Natsu had thick tears and snot running down his face. "Gray, I'm so sorry."
Gray took Natsu's hand and held it as firmly as he could muster in his weakness. "It's … all right."
"No, it's not all right, not at all. It's what I was scared of. It's the worst thing … the worst thing for me to do to you. Shit!" He flopped his face back down onto Gray's recovery bed and sobbed loudly. "I'm so sorry. Dammit, I'm so sorry."
Gray dropped his hand on Natsu's head, but he could not really feel anything. "Hey," he rasped out. "You can't hurt me that much. I'm f-fine … nngh!" However, talking finally got to him, and his throat croak. Gray hissed as the pain shot through his nerves.
"That's enough," Porlyusica decided. "You wanted to see him, now you've seen him. He needs to rest." She took Natsu by the arms and pulled him away from Gray's bed. "You, sleep! The medication should be kicking in. You, out, and take a shower before you return here."
Natsu followed her numbly. "Is he going to be okay?"
"He's partially paralyzed. I can't determine if he suffered any brain damage as well, but he seems to have gotten off lucky. On his own, it would take weeks or months to heal, and he might always have a bad voice. He needs a healing wizard."
"Wendy!"
"Yes, she would be helpful."
Natsu yanked away from her and ran back to Gray. Porlyusica rolled her eyes.
"Do I need to get my damn broom to shoo you out? Because I swear, I'll get it."
Natsu dropped to his knees in front of Gray's bed. "Gray, it'll be okay. I'll get Wendy. You stay here. Just … just stay and rest." His face drew up again in anguish. "I'm so sorry."
Gray was on the cusp of unconsciousness, but he opened his eyes. "Natsu?"
He squeezed Gray's fingers. "What?"
Gray realized he could not feel Natsu's grip, and Natsu realized Gray was not holding his hand back. Their eyes met, and they realized the truth. Natsu dropped Gray's hand and covered his mouth in horror.
"It'll … it'll be … okay." He gulped so he could speak clearly enough. "I still … care for you."
Hearing that made Natsu cry in happiness. "Thank you." Gray had every right to hate him, fear him, never want to see his face again, so hearing those words gave Natsu a bit of hope. "Wendy!" he remembered suddenly. "I'll get her."
Just as Porlyusica arrived with her broom, Natsu bolted past her and out into the night. She snorted at him in disgust and closed the door behind him. Then she walked into her medical room to check on Gray.
"He's a good guy."
"I know."
She changed the gauze staunching the bleeding in Gray's broken nose. She tried to sound casual as she asked, "Do you plan to stay with him?"
Stay with him? Gray supposed that breaking up was the logical thing to do, but despite all this, it was not something he wanted to do. "Yes," he answered.
"If it becomes too much, you don't have to stay."
Those echoing words came back to him. "I've been told that before."
"I bet it was Makarov, right?" she guessed. Porlyusica walked over to the herbs she had been brewing. She added a capsule, a burst of magical light flashed out, and the pot frosted over instantly into a slushy beverage. She poured some of the icy drink into a mug. "If Gildarts was around, he'd give you the same advice. He was also there that day. The three of us are probably the only ones who know the whole truth." She brought the drink over to Gray. "It's cold. Drink it. It'll help to take down the swelling in your larynx."
She held the cup for him since his hands were numb, and he sipped a straw. The icy sludge stank of herbs, but it felt good in his swollen throat. "Do you know … whatever Natsu … is hiding … from me?"
"I don't know how much he's told you, but … yes. Yes, I know what happened to him. He totally forgot about it for years, repressed it due to the trauma. I told Makarov to banish that whole blasted memory from his mind, but did he listen? No! Damn him, but I think he wanted Natsu to remember one day so he could apologize properly to me, and to the others."
"Others?" Gray asked, but he cringed as the vibrations ached.
She refused to talk about it. This was something Natsu had to tell him, not her. "I worry about that boy. Now I'm worried for you. You're taking on a big burden."
Gray looked down at the promise bracelet. He could not even feel it against his skin anymore, but it was an injury that would heal. So long as they could both heal, he did not want to lose Natsu.
She saw his stubbornness and shook her head. "I suppose love does that to people. That's why I stay away from love … and people," she said in cranky annoyance. "Before you fall asleep, I'll change the bandages and put some more salve on the cuts." She unraveled a bandage wrapped around his neck and looked closer at the gouges clawed into Gray's throat. "Damn, he really did try to rip your head off."
Gray stared straight up at the ceiling as she dabbed some medicine onto the wounds. "Do you … think he … would have?"
Porlyusica paused with a jar of ointment in her hands. "I'd like to say no, but I can't." She rubbed the salve onto his throat. It stung, but he tried to hold still. "I'm not the best person to be asking questions like this, since he attacked me in the same manner. You can learn to forgive, but it's not easy to forget." She set the jar aside, and then Porlyusica looked at Gray seriously. "Like I told you, you don't have to stay with him."
Her saying that made Gray even more stubborn. "I'm going … to stay with … him." Trying to talk make him choke on the swelling in his throat, which hurt so badly he almost fainted right there.
Porlyusica stood up and looked down at him. "You don't have to, Gray. Now seriously, sleep before I knock you unconscious."
Gray closed his eyes. He did not recall falling asleep, yet when he woke up from knocking at the door, the sky outside had already turned pink with sunrise. He could not move yet, but he heard Porlyusica open the door, then heard Natsu's and Wendy's voices.
"Wendy is allowed in. You still stink."
"I didn't take a shower, you old hag, because I was trying to get her here as soon as possible."
"I don't care. Go home."
"But Gray!"
"Come back in an hour."
"I'm not leaving!"
"Then sit outside. You can walk Wendy back home after she's done. Then take a shower. You are not allowed in here until you don't smell like a five-day-old musty sock."
Gray smiled to himself. Natsu was being his normal, stubborn self, and it sounded so good. Then he saw Wendy come inside. She looked sleepy and her hair was pulled back sloppily into an unbrushed ponytail. When she saw Gray, despite having been woken up in the middle of the night, she still smiled.
"Good morning, Gray. I hope I can help you."
Porlyusica came up behind her. "He can't talk yet, and he has partial paralysis of all four limbs."
"Just what happened? Natsu said it was an animal attack."
Gray arched an eyebrow. Animal attack? More like a dragon attack!
"I have no idea," Porlyusica admitted with an edge of caution. "Gray hasn't been able to tell me and Natsu ran off to get you as soon as possible." The hard look she shot to Gray did not need words at all. Don't you dare tell her! He merely blinked once. Yes. Wendy did not need to know Natsu had that murderous side to him.
Over the course of the next hour, Gray laid on the bed and allowed Wendy to heal him. Slowly, sensation returned with burning stings to his arms and legs. Then she worked on his throat and the gouges that had scabbed over. Fixing his broken nose was simple, and she managed to mend his cracked tooth. However, he still felt too dizzy to walk.
"You had oxygen deprivation to the brain," Porlyusica reminded him. "Wendy's done all she can. Something like that will hopefully go away on its own."
"Sorry," Wendy said with a deep bow of apology. "Messing with the brain is far above my skills."
"It's not going to be permanent, right?" asked Gray.
Porlyusica shrugged. "Who knows? There may be irreversible damage and you won't even notice it until months later. You could have hazy memories, or trouble focusing. Stay here until you're fully stable. Wendy, your talent is much appreciated."
"Yeah, thank you very much," Gray said, feeling his throat and realizing there were not even scars left behind.
"I'm glad it wasn't worse. Did you at least defeat the beast that attacked you?"
Gray and Porlyusica's eyes met for a moment.
"No," he said cautiously. "Hopefully Natsu dealt with it."
Porlyusica nodded faintly to him. "Yes, hopefully he did. Well," she said as she gently pulled on Wendy's shoulder, "let's get you back home so you can sleep at least a little bit more."
Wendy follow Porlyusica out and saw Natsu still sitting there, shredding leaves in boredom. He leaped up as soon as the door opened.
"Gray—"
"Needs rest," Porlyusica cut in. "Wendy is worn out from healing him. Please escort her back. That monster that attacked Gray might still be out there."
Natsu's face instantly turned grim. "Right," he muttered, and he waved Wendy to follow him. They heard Porlyusica's door shut.
Natsu's keen ears heard the conversation inside the hovel.
"Is he leaving?"
"Wendy really looked fatigued. Plus you need to rest."
"I'm fine now."
"No, you're not. Not psychologically. We don't have anyone in Fairy Tail who can help you with that sort of injury."
Natsu slammed his eyes shut and fisted up a hand. Maybe the physical wounds could heal, but what he did to Gray last night would scar his heart for the rest of his life.
"Natsu?"
He jolted out of dark thoughts and looked down at Wendy.
"Gray's wounds, they don't match any monsters that live around here. If I had to guess, I would say those were made by a human. Did you see what, or who, did this?"
He supposed that it would be pretty obvious. Vulcans and Gorians had larger hands. Goblins were so small, Gray would have been able to throw one off with ease. Weretigers ripped their prey apart, not choke them. Rollidillos simply rolled up and crushed enemies.
"I didn't see it, not really. I'll look into it," he said absently.
"It's kind of scary, knowing something is prowling around that can defeat Gray. He's really strong, so whatever it was must be even stronger."
"Or he was caught by surprise," Natsu muttered, feeling the guilt sink in deeper and deeper.
"I suppose so. He doesn't have the hearing and sense of smell like we do, so even he could be caught by surprise. I'm really glad you saved him."
Her thanks felt like punches to his stomach. "Yeah. I'm glad he's okay. Thank you."
He walked her all the way back to Fairy Hills. By the time they arrived, the sun was just starting to rise. All of the girls living at the dormitory had heard about Gray being so badly injured, they needed Wendy right away. Juvia had even run in her pajamas to the guild, thinking they were there, but no one had seen Gray all night. She was the first one to run out to Natsu as they came up the hill.
"Is Gray-sama okay?" she asked fretfully.
"He's fine now," Natsu muttered, trying not to look at the scandalous nightie she was wearing.
Erza was also in pajamas and stood at the doorway, staring hard at Natsu. "What happened?" she demanded.
Natsu cringed and realized he had to lie. "Gray was attacked. I didn't see it. I heard … something … and he was injured. I took him to Porlyusica since she was closest."
"What was he doing way out there?" Evergreen asked.
"How should I know?" Natsu snapped.
Levy asked, "Did you at least smell what attacked him? Is it still loose? Maybe we should send out a search party."
"I'll handle it," Natsu insisted. "It's my fault, so I'll handle it alone."
Erza's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "How is it your fault?"
Natsu had no answer to her. Luckily, Juvia was frantic and cut in.
"Is Gray-sama hurt? Does he need homemade soup?"
"He's injured, not sick with the flu," Laki chided.
"It was bad," Wendy said, sleepy but still disturbed by what she had seen. "The damage to his neck was awful, like a beast had clawed at his throat. Any deeper and he could have bled to death in minutes. His neck was so damaged, it paralyzed him, but I healed everything. He's just dizzy, because the beast choked him for a long time. I really hope cutting off his air for so long doesn't cause any permanent brain damage."
"Brain damage!" Juvia screamed. "Gray-samaaaaa!" She began to sob, and Evergreen moved her aside so she would not flood the pathway.
"Well, I'm off," Natsu said, feeling more and more guilty by the minute. "I'll talk to Gray, see if I can stop this from happening again."
Levy muttered, "I still think we should send out a search party for the beast. Maybe Gajeel can sniff the scent from Gray."
Erza shook her head. "Natsu said he would take care of it. Let's trust him. Wendy, sleep in as late as you need. There's no jobs today anyway. Back inside, everyone. Juvia! Your nightgown is practically see-through. Get in!"
The girls returned inside Fairy Hills, but Erza stayed in the doorway, watching Natsu trudging back down the hill. After everyone was inside, she shut the door and went running barefoot down the path until she caught up with him. She grabbed Natsu's shoulder and spun him again.
"Was it you?" she whispered, although she was not sure if Wendy could still hear her with those keen ears.
Natsu glanced up the hill, apparently also worried about Wendy overhearing. So instead, he merely nodded.
"Is it really safe? Are you safe? From yourself, for him, for all of us?"
Natsu wished he knew for certain. Was would send him off next time? How long before that dark memory overwhelmed him again?
Erza saw the anguish in his face, and realized that now was not the time to chastise him. Natsu had just attacked his own boyfriend; the guilt was punishment enough.
"I don't know everything," she assured him, "but I know enough about that day."
He looked up in horror. Erza knew?
"Natsu," she sighed, "you've probably not told Gray, right? You need to, really, especially after this. Gray deserves an explanation."
Natsu knew she was right. After things getting this bad, Gray might probably dump him anyway, so before that happened, he needed to tell Gray everything, all of it, since hiding it no longer mattered.
He blew it. He destroyed the trust between them. He might as well tell Gray, because then it would give him an even better reason to not feel guilty as he broke up with Natsu.
"How … how much do you know?" he asked in dread.
"I know you killed people, and I know you hurt Porlyusica. I was told there was also an incident in a hospital, but Makarov was unclear on the details. Only that you owe a family reparations for whatever you did."
Natsu cringed and gulped down his stomach. "Do you know … all who I killed?"
"No. I don't need to know. Killing a person, even someone who deserves extreme punishment for unforgivable crimes, puts a scar on your soul."
Erza pulled him into a hug. Natsu was crushed against her pajamas and smothered into those soft breasts.
"I'll always be here for you, Natsu," she whispered. "No matter what you did in the past, no matter how that haunts you in the present, I will always be ready to catch you and pull you back up. I've learned to forgive a lot in my life," she said with a fond smile of memories of a certain blue-haired man. "I will forgive you, no matter what. If you need to talk, to get it off your chest, I'm willing to listen."
Tears of gratitude beaded up in his eyes. "Thank you," he said, emotions choking up his throat.
She pulled back and straightened out his frazzled hair. "Get a shower before you head back to him. You seriously stink."
He laughed and wiped the tears away. "Yeah, I will. If you need me, I'll be with Gray … or if not, I'll be at the guild getting as drunk as possible."
She patted his head. "I know Gray, and I think he'll forgive you, even if it takes a little time. Have faith in the bonds between you."
His heart stung again. "I just hope I haven't burned those bonds," he muttered. Then Natsu turned away and headed back toward the woods.
Erza watched him go as the sun rose and brought a rosy blush to the land. "I think you underestimate the durability of those bonds," she whispered, knowing he would hear her anyway. "Gray has also learned to forgive a lot of people in his life. It took time for him to forgive Lyon, and it took time for me to forgive Jellal, but we're Fairy Tail. We believe in second chances. So seek out your second chance with him."
Natsu did hear her, although she whispered. He muttered to himself, "More like my third chance. I'm not sure if those bonds can withstand yet another blow, but … I hope so." He looked down at the promise bracelet on his wrist. "I really, really hope so."
When he returned to Porlyusica's place, she decided he smelled good enough, but complained about his shampoo scent anyway. She let him inside, and Natsu saw Gray sitting up in bed. He wanted to rush forward, but he also held back, worried about getting too close after what happened.
"I'll leave you two alone to talk," Porlyusica said as she drifted away.
Gray and Natsu stared at each other, neither one certain what to do, what they could say. Gray worried that Natsu might feel so guilty, he would insist that they break up; Natsu worried that after almost killed him, Gray would want to break up. They both realized the conversation they had here in this room would decide the future of their relationship, and they both dreaded that they had crossed a line that never should have been crossed.
"I'm sorry," Gray finally said. "What I did to you, it was unwanted; it was non-consensual. I knew it was pushing into something you didn't want to do, but … I thought…" He turned away and shook his head. "It was wrong of me. I broke your trust. I pushed you into a place I never should have gone."
"You didn't know," Natsu said. "That's the problem. I never told you, so you didn't know. It's my fault. I've kept it from you, because … if I tell you," and he cringed away, "you'll break up with me."
"Let me be the judge of that," Gray snapped. He hesitated, but he saw Natsu anguished about something. "Do you want to talk about it now?"
"No," he said honestly, "but I should." He looked ready to say more, but his face drew up. He tightened his lips and gulped hard. "Damn, I hate to go into this."
"You don't have to."
"No, I need to. We need to clear this up." He walked over to the bed and sat beside Gray. Natsu saw a hamper of bloodied bandages, supplies Porlyusica had used. Gray looked fine now, but Natsu knew just how severely he had injured his boyfriend.
"Natsu?" Gray asked, worried by his distant gaze.
Those narrow, green eyes flashed up. "Can I kiss you?" he asked suddenly.
Gray was taken back by the question. "Sure. Of course."
Natsu held Gray's cheek and looked at his lips. If he really had destroyed their bonds, this very well could be their last kiss. That thought ran through his head as he leaned in and gave Gray a long, gentle, wistful kiss.
'This could be the last time I feel his lips.'
He pulled back, and there were tears on his cheeks. Gray reached forward and wiped them away.
"Natsu? Come on. Tell me."
Natsu nodded, knowing he needed to tell Gray, but it was a horrible thing to confess. "During…" Natsu shrank down, instantly losing his nerve.
Gray took his hand to encourage him. "During that time?"
"Yes. With…" Again, he froze up.
"With that man."
"Shut up!" he screamed, but his head collapsed into his hands. "Sorry. It's just … not easy."
"Then take your time."
Natsu stared ahead. The past was a beast ready to roar up, and he had to stare into the eyes of that monster without fear. He was a Dragon Slayer, after all. He was trained by Igneel to stare into the terrifying eyes of a dragon and fight it. Some pervert of the past was nothing compared to that.
"With that man … when I killed him, I…" He took a deep breath as he pressed past the horror of the truth. "I got aroused," he whispered in shame. "It was the one and only time I ever jerked myself off. That's why I can't anymore. Touching myself … reminds me … just how bad I got." Tears came to his eyes. Facing this demon of the past was harder than he imagined. "I…" He hesitated. There was more to say, so much more, but that past made him tremble. He could not speak in the face of a horror this intense. He could not even breathe.
Gray wrapped his arms around the shivering shoulders. "Come on, Natsu. I'm here with you. It's safe here."
Natsu found his breath and inhaled deeply. He was with Gray. Gray would keep him safe.
The ice wizard waited, but he still saw the horror shivering in those sharp, green eyes. "Okay, if you can't tell me, then don't—"
"No! I wanna tell you," he shouted. Natsu slumped down, and Gray hugged him tighter. "I wanna, but I don't want you to hate me."
"I'm not going to hate you," Gray whispered loyally.
Natsu let out a weary sigh and smiled sadly. "You might." He took a shuddering breath and let it out as he tried to firm his resolve. "For this one, you might," he realized. That was even more terrifying, knowing that the secret inside him was so bad, he just might lose Gray completely. Still, he needed to say it. He needed to let Gray know how terrible he had been. Gray needed to find out what sort of monster lived inside of Natsu, if only to keep everyone safe.
"I'm not going to hate you. No matter what you did, I won't leave you."
Natsu wanted to believe that. He really hoped it was true. Still, this was a darkness that made Natsu hate himself, so he knew it was natural that Gray might come to despise him also.
"I ripped his head off," he whispered so softly, trembling so much, Gray could barely understand the words. "He … what he was doing … I just couldn't take it anymore. Every day, over and over! Touching me like that, making me do that, every day! He broke me, Gray. He broke me until I couldn't get aroused at all, and when he couldn't get what he wanted out of me, he tried to choke me. I got free, and … and all I wanted to do was kill him. I wasn't even thinking straight anymore. I choked him back, I wanted to do everything to him that he had done to me, only … worse. I didn't just strangle him. I tore his head off, and then … I…" Natsu flinched and looked down. In a rush, he explained, "Doing something like that, it's not like boom it's off! It's pulling and tugging and … and slowly ripping. Bones … separating and … a-and skin ripping … muscles … tendons were the hardest…"
He gulped down sickness as he realized he had almost done that same thing to Gray. If the ice magic had not stopped him, he very well could have killed Gray in such a horrific manner.
"When it came off, blood shot into the air. It hit the ceiling. I didn't realize so much blood could be in a body. It showered down on me. I could taste it. He must have been aroused, because it tasted … sweet. I could taste arousal," he said in amazement. "And it made me aroused, just like he had been aroused. How could he have been aroused?" Natsu shouted as tears streamed down his cheek. "I was … tearing his head off his body. How … how could he have been aroused by that?" he screamed.
He shuddered, a mystery that he had never figured out in all those years. His voice fell back down as he continued.
"But he was, and I thought … m-maybe he liked the idea that I would be drinking his blood. Maybe he got off on pain, like some sort of perverted preying mantis. I don't know. I don't get it. I … I can't understand it. Not at all!"
Natsu broke into sobs. He curled up his knees and wrapped his arms around them, like a child trying to hide away from a monster. Gray wrapped him up in his arms and held on as that hot body shuddered without control.
"I told you about that one time," Natsu muttered into his knees. "When I was still a prisoner, he … he had me swallow his cum." He curled up tighter, but the words kept coming, slowly dribbling out of his mouth just as the tears were dripping from his eyes, poison that had harbored in his soul for years, finally being lanced and allowed to drain out. "I got a big cut on my neck from his knife when I refused to open my mouth at first. He … made me swallow. He said, 'Swallow or I'll slit your throat and pour my cum down into your stomach.' So I gulped. I almost vomited, but I was afraid that if I threw up, he'd kill me.
"After that, I was untied and allowed to rest. My neck was bleeding, and I kept wiping it up. When I tasted it…" He cringed down. "I tasted arousal. I know it's just a chemical thing, but I still tasted it. Tasting it within myself is different from feeling that reaction and hating it. It makes you realize more. You're aroused! I was … aroused," he corrected. "Aroused by him. Aroused by stroking him and drinking his cum. That was when I finally threw up.
"So on that day, when I killed him and tasted the arousal in his blood, it turned me on. I … I wanted to pay him back." Natsu shuddered an inhale and growled out an exhale as anger clashed with fear and disgust. "I had his head … in my hands."
Natsu held his hands out, glaring at them as if he could see that detached head even now. Gray pulled back and shook his head. He already guessed what happened next.
"I was holding it," Natsu whispered insanely. "I wanted to pay the bastard back. So I used his mouth … to jerk myself off. I fucked his face," he sneered. "I fucked it until I came. Then later, I fucked his damn neck hole! I pounded right into that bloody throat. I poured my cum down into his stomach, just like he made me do. I was laughing the whole time. It was … so fun. So fulfilling. I wasn't scared anymore. For the first time, sex wasn't scary or forced. I was enjoying it so damn much.
"And the next day, I fucked his face again. Fucked it and gouged the eyes out, and then I just started tearing his body apart, bit by bit, laughing the whole time. I ripped his cock off and slammed it down his throat to hold my cum inside his stomach so he couldn't vomit. I was able to vomit his filthy cum out, but he wouldn't throw up mine. It'd always be in there. I messed up his body real bad. I paid him back. And I enjoyed every minute of it, for three days until they found me."
Gray had fallen a few shades paler while listening to all of that. He tried to imagine it, sick as it was. He couldn't. He just couldn't! Natsu … had fucked a dead body!
"I realize now, what I did was really sick, and really, really wrong." Natsu gulped down his sick stomach and sneered in self-loathing. "I know that now, but back then, during that moment—" He gnashed his teeth in hatred, glaring at those empty hands as they shook, as if squeezing a skull to crush it. "—I just wanted to violate him, like he had done to me."
The wild gleam in his half-mad eyes was slow to fade, but eventually his hands dropped, his breathing calmed, and the tense sneer relaxed out of his face. His eyes lowered, filled with regret and disgust.
"And that … was the only time I ever masturbated. That's why I can't do it, because whenever I consciously think about masturbating, I see his head, his mouth, how my cum and his blood mixed together and dripped out of the ragged ends of his neck. I remember … the pleasure, the mad glee of doing it to him." He shuddered and gulped hard. "And it makes me vomit. That memory makes me utterly nauseated now. Just thinking about touching myself to fulfillment makes me remember what happened after I snapped. I blocked the memories for a reason. I … didn't want to remember. None of it. Because, I didn't just kill him. That's bad enough. I raped his corpse! I fucked his dead body. And he wasn't the only person I killed."
"Natsu," Gray whispered in worry.
"No, I need to tell you everything," he insisted. "You need to know how dark it was. I need to know if you can truly handle it, or if not, this will give you every right in the world to break up with me."
"I won't—"
"Don't promise!" he screamed. Natsu shivered and cringed down. "Don't promise things you can't fulfill. Just hear me out. If you need to leave … I'll understand."
Gray kept his mouth shut, but he already looked determined not to let whatever Natsu had to say change how he felt.
"It started with the door." Natsu stared off as he remembered everything. "On the second day, after I mutilated his corpse, I guess I made a lot of noise. I heard a voice behind a door. It was locked, but I searched around and found the keys. Inside was a cell, far better off than what I had been locked in, and chained to the three walls were three prisoners. They seemed … more or less okay. They had beds, they had been fed well, but they had collars around their necks with chains connected to the wall."
"More Dragon Slayers?" asked Gray.
Natsu shook his head. "Normal girls. Not even wizards. They seemed totally average. Except that one of them…"
Natsu gulped hard and looked sick.
"That man was giving my sperm to someone else, a buyer of some sort, but…" Natsu fisted up his hands. "…but he was apparently using a little bit of it on his own. On them. And on one of them, I could smell … my blood. She was pregnant with my child."
Gray's mouth dropped as "Oh my God" breathed out too airy to hear. Pregnant? Natsu had a child?
"Yeah," Natsu laughed, shivering in terror while seeing the ridiculousness of it. Him, fathering a child! "And … heh … I…" Tears poured down his cheeks as he still smiled but also looked ready to vomit. "I didn't like that," he whispered miserably. "I didn't like the idea that what he wanted worked. All those weeks of him saying he wanted my sperm, and I would make him rich, and then, right there in front of me … my smell. My blood. My baby." The insane smile was gone, and Natsu almost cracked under the misery. "I don't know if it would have been a Dragon Slayer. Probably not. But I just didn't like … that … she…" He had to stop and wipe his face clear.
Gray was about to put a hand on him, but slowly pulled back, not sure if Natsu needed comforting right now. He wanted to ask so many questions, but he knew Natsu needed to say this at his own pace.
"I killed her."
The words thudded like a carcass thrown into a ditch. Those three words stunned Gray. He had been wondering what happened to her and the baby. Did she have an abortion, or was there a baby Dragneel somewhere out there? He never expected this.
"What?"
"Yeah," he said factually, almost without emotion. "She's dead. I killed her. I didn't like that she was pregnant, I was pretty much fully insane, and so I … k-killed … her. I killed her." He cringed again as he slipped out of cold facts and back into dark memories. "All three of them were complaining that they were hungry. They hadn't eaten since the day before. I went to the kitchen. I think maybe I was planning to bring them food." He sniffed and shrank down. "I didn't. I grabbed a knife. A better knife than what I used on him. I had shoved that knife up his ass just an hour earlier. So I got a fresh knife, and I went back, went right up to her, and … and I…"
Natsu heaved, and his face looked green. He grabbed some random cauldron nearby and vomited into it. Gray surged forward, ready to help him, but once again he pulled back. Natsu needed to get over this on his own.
Natsu wiped his mouth and gulped it down sickly. "I gutted her," he said, and his stomach lurched again, but nothing came up. "She was … shrieking. All three of them were. I ripped out her uterus, and … and I said, 'This is mine. I'm keeping it.' I could smell the blood in it that was mine. It was … my … b-baby. My blood. I took it with me. Then I left. She was still alive, bleeding everywhere. I locked the door because their screams were annoying me. I didn't open it again."
Gray was numbed. He knew Natsu had killed more than just that evil man, he had admitted that much. This, though … this was beyond the horrors he had dreaded.
"She was a victim," Natsu said, shaking his head, "just like me, and I did that to her. To all of them. I made the other two watch, left them in that room to starve." He curled into a ball and burst into harder tears. "They were innocent, so scared, probably more scared than I was. He had only jerked me off, but them! To be kidnapped and forcible impregnated! Fuck! Who knows what that man did to them. Probably didn't rape them since he wanted them to get pregnant by me, but … I mean, he made me jerk him off, so what did he make them do? Dammit, I don't even want to think about it. And I killed her. Just because she was pregnant. Because I didn't like it." He ripped at his hair and screamed. "I did that to her!"
Natsu completely broke down into wailing sobs. Gray finally put a hand on his knee. Although he was beyond shocked, Natsu needed him.
"There's … more."
Gray shook his head. He didn't want there to be more. This was too much, way too much for his boyfriend, for anyone, to handle.
"It was the next day. Someone came by, someone who knew that man, maybe a … a buyer or something. Him and five bodyguards. They were shouting demands. It seemed like they wanted more results. More of my cum. I realized, they were the ones organizing this. All I went through, it was this man's fault. There was no way I would let that go, so I hid and waited. He walked in with his cronies, and I silently locked the door behind them. He saw the blood, and he turned to flee. I was standing right there, blocking the exit. He seemed to know who I was. He began to scream at his guards to catch me alive. I had the kitchen knife still. I cut them all down. All five. It was … surgical. I knew where to aim. Once the bodyguards were all dead, I pounced on him.
"I honestly don't remember clearly, it's all a blur at that point, but when I came to, he was dead. I think I strangled him; I'm not really sure. By then, I … I wanted more blood. That was about all I was eating or drinking. Blood and flesh. That other man, he had completely bled out. I wanted more! So I cut this other guy's head off with the knife, hung him up from the rafters by his feet, and I showered in his blood. I began to … to gnaw on one of the bodyguards. I set up that man's head and pretended to feed him strips of meat.
"Later that day, Makarov found me." Natsu gulped hard to hold back his stomach again. "I was … aware. I knew it was him. He looked horrified, obviously, and I just said … he popped. Just like that man said I was a pimple, and he wanted to pop my pimple and get me to come, I popped his head off, popped his eyes out, popped his guts apart … I popped him! Popped them all.
"I was still … showering, and I told them I'd be out in a minute, pretending like I was washing myself in the blood dripping down. Blood and rain. It kept raining through those days, and the ceiling leaked. The blood and the rainwater was all over the floor, and I was showering in it.
"Then they wanted to look at the door. Maybe the girls were yelling since there were new voices. I kept telling them, don't go in there. I was ashamed. Not that I had killed a girl, but that I had been weak, I had let that man take my cum, and he had made a baby out of it. It was shameful. So I tried to stop them and warn them, but they went in anyway. The dead girl … it stank. It stank so bad. The other two were starved. Three days without food or water. Porlyusica inspected the dead girl, and when she saw the cut she asked what happened. I … I still had … the uterus. It was in my pocket, drying up, stinking. I didn't even realize it was weird. It was mine, after all. The smell was of my blood. It was mine. Porlyusica threw up; it was too much for her.
"Gildarts grabbed the uterus out of my hand and threw it away in disgust. That made me mad, and … I attacked them. The thing is, I didn't go for Gildarts or Makarov. They would have knocked me out in one hit. I aimed straight for Porlyusica," he said quietly, hoping she was not listening in and reliving something bad.
"Why would you attack her?" asked Gray. "You normally aim for the strongest, not the weakest. Porlyusica doesn't even have magic."
"I was going by smell. She smelled … the tastiest." He lowered his head. "They weren't expecting it. At least, not her. She was still recovering from vomiting. I caught her totally by surprise. You're right, it's not like I would normally attack her, of all people. I … knocked her down. She yelled something, and … I dunno. Whatever she said, it reminded me of him. I went totally berserk, all in a flash. I'm sure it didn't last long, but when I regained consciousness, they were prying me off of her body. She was … c-covered in blood. I could taste it! I … I asked her, 'How come you didn't get aroused this way?' Then I said something … something no man should ever say to a woman. Especially not one more than fifty years older." He shook his head is disgust. "Makarov was pissed when I threatened her that way. He hit me so hard, I was knocked out. Porlyusica had come along with them only because they were afraid I might be injured. Instead, she needed surgery to heal the wounds I gave her. She still has scars from it."
Gray recalled that Porlyusica had touched her neck and hinted that Natsu had attacked her the same way he had attacked Gray. So, that's what she meant.
"When I finally woke up from Makarov's hit, I was in a hospital. They wanted to … to test me, see if I'd been raped. Normally, they would have a male nurse check a boy that way, but since it was a man who did it to me, they sent in three female nurses. I … attacked them. Badly! I killed one of them. A second one, I threw against the wall so hard, you could hear her bones shattering. The third … I … I…" He gulped hard. "I tried to rape her."
Gray quietly protested. No way would Natsu do something like that. No way!
"The one I threw ran off to get help. The other lady … I hurt her … horribly … before they could stop me. I didn't actually have sex with her, but … but it was bad. Real bad.
"I just wasn't all there. I remember it, but it's like it wasn't me. It was him. Like I was possessed by him. The one I threw needed surgery. They said she lived, but she couldn't use her arm after that day and lost hearing in one ear. The other one … she was messed up. She had to quit nursing because she kept having panic attacks because of what I did to her. The other … she didn't survive. It was probably instantaneous. Hopefully she felt no pain. I killed a young nurse who just wanted to care for me. I was that fucked up, Gray. Before it was all over, I killed ten people, counting the unborn fetus. Ten! And three were totally innocent.
"I can't forgive myself for that. Neither could Makarov. For hurting those nurses so horribly, killing one of them, butchering that girl and her unborn baby—my own baby—and for nearly killing Porlyusica, and then … then laughing about it. Laughing! I was laughing about it for weeks, even after they started therapy. I found it to be funny. I eventually apologized, of course. I was acquitted for killing the girl and that nurse, since I was insane, but I pay both families a stipend as an apology, not a court order or anything, just … I have no idea how else I could ever apologize. However, the man who captured me, and the buyer who organized the whole thing … I've never been sorry for killing them. I've felt guilty, but never sorry.
"That's the big reason Makarov can't let it go, because even now, I'm not sorry about it. If he was still alive, I'd want to kill him. It's a darkness within me that won't go away. As long as I want him dead, as long as I have no regrets about murdering him, butchering him, doing all the disgusting things I did to him … I probably will always want to kill anything that reminds me of him." Natsu gazed up at Gray. "Even if the person reminding me of that time … is someone I love."
Gray squeezed his hand, and Natsu's head dropped.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I simply never told anyone. I'd rather forget it. Especially those girls. All of them, the three who were prisoners with me, and the three nurses. I fucked up the lives of those women. What right do I have to seek happiness after doing that?
"I couldn't face that I had done any of that. Makarov and Porlyusica decided maybe it was better for my sanity if I forgot. I don't know if it was magic or my brain trying to protect itself from going insane even more, but it all got buried away. They never brought it up again, allowing me to move on without that memory. I knew bits, I knew I killed that man, I remembered showering in blood, and I remembered when Makarov showed up, but there were always missing pieces. I simply knew not to think about it too much.
"After that, I didn't want anything to do with sex. All through puberty, I hated the idea of ejaculating. I couldn't jerk off, because it was a reminder of when I used that man's head. I sort of remembered that part, more like a nightmare, just enough to know I didn't want to remember it, so I avoided anything that reminded me. Putting my penis into anything, even an ass, edged toward those memories of fucking his mouth and neck. I would see blood, smell my blood, that baby's blood … and I just can't. I can't risk it. If my cum gets into anything where it isn't instantly destroyed, like a toy or ass or if it's not swallowed right away, I panic, because if that happened again … if my cum got used like that again … I am utterly terrified that I might react the same way.
"It faded over time. I didn't really know why things freaked me out, I just knew they did. I had shadowy memories of something bad happening, but I was too scared to dig into the memories. Now I remember almost the whole thing, all but a few moments where I totally blacked out. I know now, and in a way, that makes it worse, because a part of me agrees with what my brain has been saying all along. What right do I have to have sex and start a family when I killed my own child?
"Believe me, I really wish I never got my memories back. I'd rather pretend it wasn't even me. Just last night, I asked Mest to wipe my memory. I don't want to remember all of that anymore. I don't want it to be true. But … I remember doing it. I remember my body moving. My brain wasn't all there, but I felt it with my body. I know it happened, and I know I was the one doing it. Still, it's surreal. It wasn't me." His eyes drifted off sadly. "I wish to God it wasn't me. But it was. And it's something I have to live with. I can't take the easy route and wipe my memory. Maybe it would protect you, but it's not fair to forget everyone I hurt. I owe it to those women to know what I did and not forget them.
"Those fears shaped me into who I am. I can't get over those issues unless I first know what I did, and work through it with help. I'm getting help, but … it'll take a long time. It could be years to get over this. Maybe I never will. Still, I can't be a coward and just wipe the slate clean. I need to come to terms with that past, and that means working through the worst of it. It means … telling you … and seeing where we need to go from here."
The room had fallen so silent, he could hear Gray's shallow breaths. Natsu glanced up and saw Gray's horror-struck face.
"Well," he grumbled. "Aren't you going to say something?"
Gray snapped out of his shock and swallowed hard. "No," he answered truthfully. "I'm not even sure what I can say to something like that. I don't hate you; I can say that much."
"You look ready to vomit, and you smell scared," Natsu pointed out, keeping to himself. He wondered when Gray had let go of him and backed away so far.
Gray really had almost lost his stomach while Natsu said all that. "Okay, to be honest," he said, knowing he could not lie to a person like Natsu, "I feel ready to puke. Thinking that you did something like that is … disturbing," he admitted. That was an understatement! "But I know," he added quickly. "I know that man put you through hell. He drove you insane. So the person who did all that, it wasn't you."
"It was me—"
"No!" Gray shouted. "It wasn't you."
Natsu looked up firmly at him. "I know what you're trying to do, Gray, but … it was me. It was what I wanted to do at the time. Especially what I did to him. Raping his corpse like that: I had thought about doing it even before I snapped. It … was … me," he said firmly. "I can't say it wasn't. I can't lie to myself, and it'd be even more crazy if I made that out to be some split personality. I was insane, but it was still my actions. It's something I have to live with."
Gray covered his hand over those burning fingers. "Natsu…"
"Just don't make me touch myself ever again. Please! And if I ever warn you that I can't do something, never force me. For your own safety! Seriously, I … I could have killed you, Gray."
He nodded solemnly. "I didn't take things seriously enough, and I broke the boundaries we had set. I thought it might help you. I honestly had no idea. Thank you for explaining it. I won't do something like that ever again."
Natsu's eyes tightened sadly.
"Hey," Gray smiled weakly. "I forgive you."
"How?" he screamed. "How can you forgive me? I attacked you. I nearly killed you."
Gray began to open his mouth, but suddenly he hesitated.
"You don't really forgive me, do you?" Natsu grumbled. "You're just saying that because you're supposed to say it."
"No, I…" He wanted to say he would always forgive Natsu of anything. However, he did not want to lie. "I'm gonna try to," he said. "It was my fault, but it was also something we could have avoided if I knew why this was an issue. We're both at fault."
"And the rest?" Natsu asked. "What happened back then?"
Gray looked aside with a dark face. "I … I need time to think about this. It just doesn't seem real. I know you better than anyone, and … and that's not something you'd do. I want to forgive you, but right now … it's just too much to think about." He leaned forward and rested his head into his hands. "Maybe it's the lack of oxygen, maybe it's just how deep this all was, but I can't think through it yet. I need time."
Natsu slowly nodded, realizing it really was a lot to take in. As Erza had said: "I know Gray, and I think he'll forgive you, even if it takes a little time. Have faith in the bonds between you."
"I don't hate you," Gray said gently. "I know you're not like that. Not anymore. Not the you who's in front of me right now."
Natsu snuffled in anguish. "I … I almost … k-killed you."
Gray wiped away some tears that had streaked Natsu's cheeks. "You'd have to do a lot worse than that to kill me," he said smugly, but he saw that Natsu was not in the mood for bantering. "See if you can stay here for a while. I want to hold you."
Porlyusica shouted from the other room, "Just don't have sex and you can stay."
Gray chuckled softly at the old woman's bluntness.
Natsu still pouted. "Do you really trust me to be close to you?"
"I've trusted you up 'til now," Gray reasoned. "Finding out about all of that changes nothing, because that's in the past. Who we were in the past, what we did: none of that matters. We're not those people. We're us, and we wouldn't be us without the darkness we experienced in the past. I accept you for how you are, right now, right here, the past be damned!" Gray wrapped Natsu up into his arms and whispered into his ear. "I like the man I'm holding right now. Whatever your past was, this is who you currently are. The man I'm holding is my beloved, and nothing is going to change that."
"Gray," he sobbed, burrowing his face down into the broad chest.
He kissed the top of Natsu's head. "Now, lie down. I'm still dizzy and could use a nap. I didn't sleep at all last night."
Natsu slowly lowered himself onto the pillow, still stiff and awkward. Gray spooned into Natsu and wrapped his arms around that fiery body.
"I killed her, Gray," he whispered. "She … she was carrying my baby. I killed my own child."
"I know," he whispered, combing his fingers through the pink hair. "I wish you had never been put into that situation."
"I … k-killed … my own flesh and blood."
"Shh." A tear slipped from Gray's eye as he heard the anguish and felt him trembling.
"I can never have kids."
"You don't know that."
"I don't deserve one."
"Wouldn't it be better to say that you deserve the chance to make amends by showing you can raise a child and be a good father? You deserve that chance, Natsu."
"Doesn't matter. We're both guys, so I'll never have kids anyway."
Gray squeezed him, happy that Natsu was even thinking that far into the future. "Well, we could always adopt. Happy needs a brother, right?" He heard Natsu laugh softly, and it made Gray smile. "You're a really good father to Happy."
"I'm not his dad, I'm his friend."
"Well, if you ever adopted a kid, you'd make a great dad."
"Even though … I killed—"
"Shh." Gray stroked his head soothingly. "That was back then. You've grown up. You're strong, you're caring, and you did an excellent job raising Happy. You already proved you can do it, Natsu. Any kid you adopt would be damn lucky to have you as a father."
"… Thanks," he muttered sleepily.
The Dragon Slayer must have been emotionally exhausted, though. Within two minutes, he was snoring. Gray continued to pet his head.
"I seriously wish you had never experienced that," Gray whispered, running his fingers through the pink hair. "How dark that is … I can't imagine how horrific it was to remember all of that so suddenly." Natsu grumbled and snored again. "I'm here for you, though. I … I care for you … I adore you … and I'm gonna stay by you. I just wish … really wish … that man had never darkened your heart." He nuzzled into Natsu's neck. "Are you awake?" he whispered. "If you are, let me know, because I wanna say it."
Natsu's loud snoring never faltered.
Gray smiled gently. "I love you," he said in a mere wisp of air. "Please get stronger. I've decided … I want to tell you that," he said, half worried and half determined, "but I feel it isn't fair if I do when you're like this. So get better so that I can tell you."
"Graaaaaay…"
He stiffened, and he thought his heart might have stopped for a few seconds. Had Natsu heard?
"Wanna baby wi' youuuuu."
Gray's heart thumped hard as it restarted. "Shit," he sighed, sinking down in relief. "Don't scare me."
"M' not pwegnant. Jus' wanna baby. Baby wi' you."
Gray was unsure how to take this dream confession. Natsu was just talking in his sleep, but that also meant he was being completely honest, more honest than he probably would be while awake.
A baby, huh? For some reason, as crazy as that sounded after everything that night, it made Gray smile.
"Which would you like: a boy or a girl?"
A deep and somnolent breath half-snored through Natsu's nose. "Boy. Dunno 'bout girls … little … boy … son … our son."
"You actually do want to be a father after all, huh?" Gray closed his eyes. "For some reason, although I'm not good around kids, I wouldn't mind. I think, if you were there with me … maybe…" He smiled at the heavy breathing that rose and dropped Natsu's shoulders. "We'd make some crazy parents."
"You th' mama."
"Fuck that, you're the mother."
"Mama…"
"You can go screw yourself."
"Mammmmmmma."
"Am I seriously arguing with a sleeping person?"
"Mommmmm…"
"Forget it," he sighed. He kissed the back of Natsu's neck. "Just have good dreams. After all this shit, have some good dreams for a change."
"Yes, mammmma."
"Fuck you," he yawned, and soon Gray was asleep, too.
End of Chapter 65
A/N: People have been waiting for this reveal. Many readers made guesses, and many guessed parts of it, but no one figured out all of it. I hope I shocked at least some of you.
Happy 4th anniversary to FMBM, by the way! The first recording of this big reveal was many years and two cellphones ago. Back then, I had a 5-minute limit on voice recording, so the audio had to be broken into many parts. While some details got changed, I've pretty much known this was Natsu's dark background since the beginning. If you've never listened to one of my audios, I highly recommend this one so you can hear the inflection in Natsu's voice, something I just can't capture in writing without an annoying abundance of dialogue tags. For years, I've heard in my head precisely how he addresses each issue, from hesitant and sickened, to cold and factual, to slipping into insane rage and crazed laughs.
I deserve an Oscar for acting out Natsu's monologue!
Audio drama: http://chirb.it/G0BpE5
Now, as you read back through the parts that reveal scenes of the past, it will all make sense. Showering in blood was in reference to the buyer being hung from the rafters. The pools of blood on the floor were all the bodyguards he butchered. Natsu smelling "his blood" was that hidden memory of the fetus. His fear of the "door" in his memory was how desperate he was not to remember the fact that he killed the girl who had been impregnated with his child. I've been tossing in hints since Chapter One.
Also... happy birthday to me. ^_^
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