Come What May

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation nor do I make any money from using the characters. I am a part owner of Kyosuke, though.

NC-17

If you have time, please review. Thank you!!


Note: As always, I couldn’t write this without help from Kri and AshCat. I touched it last, so any mistakes are mine. :(


Come What May

Chapter 7
No. 1 Crush


See your face every place that I walk in
Hear your voice every time I am talking
You will believe in me
And I will never be ignored

I will burn for you
Feel pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart
I'll tear it apart

I will lie for you
I can steal for you
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see
You're just like me

Violate all my love that I'm missing
Throw away all the pain that I'm living
You will believe in me
And I can never be ignored

I would die for you
I would kill for you
I will steal for you
I'd do time for you
I would wait for you
I'd make room for you
I'd sail ships for you
To be close to you
To be a part of you
'Cause I believe in you
I believe in you
I would die for you.

******************************

I rolled over and the pillow stuck to my hair and rolled with me. I sat up and my confusion grew as the pillow went with me, still attached to my head as if I were sporting a new fashion statement. I tugged at the fluffy thing and my hair threatened to leave my head and join the pillow in some strange revolt against me.

“What the hell?” I snarled as I pulled harder and the pillow finally gave in and let loose, but not without many strands of my hair still attached. “Fuck…”

I heard someone laughing. It almost sounded as if it could be…

“Eiri?”

“I told you we should have showered and changed the sheets.”

He was leaning against the doorway, fresh out of the shower and dressed only in a tattered pair of jeans. A towel hung loosely around his neck, placed there to catch the sparkling, still-forming water droplets falling from his golden hair.

“You look yummy,” I said with a yawn.

“You look disgusting,” he said with a smirk.

“What time is it?” I asked as I scratched at my filmy, itchy skin.

“It’s evening. Want to go out for dinner?” Eiri’s eyes narrowed and he scowled at me. “After you’ve showered, of course.”

Rolling my eyes, I stretched my arms while I thought about going out. The two of us could go few places spontaneously without causing a riot. Sometimes being famous was a pain in the ass. Finally, I answered, “Can we order in tonight? I’d really like to go out, since you asked me on a date, but I’m not sure I’m up to dealing with the hassle.”

“I didn’t ask…”

Eiri started but I cut him off as I said with a grin, “Maybe we can go out next Friday. Maybe dancing again.”

“You wish,” he grumbled.

“Yeah. I kinda do.” I tipped my head and smiled coyly at him. “Besides, this time, there wouldn’t be any Hiro to annoy us or any Ryuichi to kiss you.”

“Huh.”

I thought about it some more before I said, “But no drugs this time. You can’t handle them.”

He glared at me. “Fine. But no alcohol for you, then. Same reason.”

“Eiri…” I began hesitantly. “Did you just agree to go dancing with me?”

“Shut up about it now,” he snarled. “And take a shower.”

“All right, all right!” I snapped back at him as I slid out of bed with a deep groan.

Eiri’s eyes sparkled with a self-satisfied smirk as he watched me struggle to stand upright. “Sore, are you?”

“Yes,” I hissed as my thighs protested a simple stretch.

He nodded, but I found his smugness irritating. After all, I was the one who did all the work, I was the one who initiated the position, I was the one who…

“Quit fuming,” Eiri said, cutting me off in mid-thought. “After we eat, I’ll pet you all you want.”

I stared at him.

Rolling his eyes he explained, “I’ll rub your sore muscles. Now take a shower, I’m ordering food.”

“Pizza?” I asked as I recovered from my shock.

“What else?” He turned and walked out the bedroom door, I saw the long, fresh scratches down his back. I smiled as touched my neck and felt the raised welt from his bite.

As I shuffled to the bathroom, I contemplated our odd relationship. From experience, I knew the rest of this night would be sweet and loving. We would tend each other’s wounds and stay close. Our barriers lowered for the evening, but I was sure tomorrow, we would be back to normal.

The shower soothed my aching muscles and I lingered under the spray, taking extra time and enjoying every second of it. What I really needed was a nice long, hot soak in the tub, but I knew Eiri was hungry and wouldn’t want to wait for that. A soak and then maybe a massage would be perfect. Where was Kyo with his magic fingers when I needed him?

I winced internally as I thought about how Eiri would react if he knew my thoughts. Kyo was right, in spite of his egotistical delusions of grandeur; I needed to let go of the fantasy life I had built in my head about him. I was sure Eiri could sense my longing for what might have been with Kyo. My continual wondering made my lover insecure and I needed to stop it, I needed to focus solely on Eiri. Besides, I was certain I no longer crossed Kyo’s mind, he was very busy these days, what with keeping Hiro’s surprising jealous temper in check and somehow making Suguru into a real person, complete with emotions and everything.

Who knew Kyo would turn out to be so… noble? Well, besides Kyo that is.

I was happy the three of them had found each other. Now it was time for me to try and trust Eiri, to make him my dream again.

Although, to be truly honest, Eiri had never stopped being my dream. I had allowed myself to be sidetracked for a while, that was all. Maybe it was time to show him I was serious about staying with him.

Stepping out of the shower, I was surprised to recognize that other than being sore from rough sex, I felt very good physically. My stomach hadn’t bothered me in a few days and my cough was almost completely gone. I was clearly on the mend.

I stared at myself through the fog on the mirror. As always, I took note of the condition of my many scars, turning and twisting to see them. I had survived all of the injuries and the scars were a reminder that although my appearance was somewhat altered, I was still alive.

I got the feeling my internal, emotional wounds were as visible to Eiri as the ones on the outside. He found both sets of scars morbidly fascinating.

Reaching for a towel I suddenly realized I had no clean clothes in Eiri’s apartment. As I stepped out of the room, dressed only in a towel, I was pleased to find Eiri had somehow read my mind. He met me in the hallway with a robe.

“Here. We’re relocating.”

“Why?”

“I’m out of sheets and lube. It’s time to wreck your place for a while.” He said as he lit a cigarette.

“Well I need some clothes and neko-Yuki could use some love…but…” I said sheepishly.

He glared at me, “But what?”

I shrugged, “I don’t have any plates. Remember? I broke them all when I threw them at you.”

“Oh, for… Fuck!” Eiri grumbled and continued to mumble under his breath as he left me in the hallway and made his way towards the kitchen.

I limped towards the front door. “I’ll make you a deal, Eiri.”

“And what might that be?” He shouted from the kitchen, obvious suspicion lacing his voice.

“If you go out dancing with me before I leave on tour, and if we are somehow still miraculously together at the end of the tour…” the words caught in my throat. I felt a sudden, overwhelming fear he might turn down my offer. Somehow, I felt as if I had reverted to the Shuichi of two years earlier. I was needy, easily wounded and afraid of rejection. I didn’t like that vulnerable feeling. How had I survived that constant pain and fear? Had I been stronger then?

He came around the corner carrying some bamboo plates, walking very slowly and looking very serious. He asked quietly, “What’s the rest of your deal?”

I exhaled, “If all that happens… let’s move in together. Let’s live together again.”

“Huh. Let me get this straight,” he said as he took a drag from his cigarette. “Essentially a night of making a fool of myself to be rewarded with having you underfoot for the rest of my life?”

“Never mind,” I said angrily as I opened the door. “Forget I brought it up.”

“Before you storm off in a huff, don’t you want to hear my answer?” He asked quietly.

“What?” I turned outside the apartment to snarl something else at him and then caught sight of the gentle amusement on his face. I continued in a somewhat softer tone of voice, “So, what is your answer?”

“I accept your terms with conditions of my own,” he fought to keep the half smile from his face.

I tipped my head to the side, “And what are your conditions?”

“I get to plan the night this time,” he answered.

Crossing my arms I challenged, “Oh, really? And just how many dance clubs have you been to, Eiri?’

“Fine,” he snapped as he glared at me. “We’ll plan it together. But I’m not wearing those stupid clothes again.”

“You can’t anyway,” I said as I turned and hobbled across the hall. “If you remember, I tore the shirt off you.”

He answered wistfully as he followed me out, “I remember.”

“What about the handcuffs?”

“Hn,” he answered but the near-smile was back again.

"That was a great night, wasn't it?" I asked, needling him gently, trying to get a confession.

"Not bad," he answered grudgingly. "But even mediocre might seem great after a year and a half."

My smile melted as I put the key in the lock on the door. I said, "You know, I still have a hard time accepting that year and a half business."

"I know you do," he answered and then paused for a moment as he followed me inside my apartment. "And I think I understand how you feel now."

"Oh, really?" I said disdainfully.

"Really."

I wanted to argue with him about it, but then, undoubtedly, my own indiscretions would be brought up. Including one tall, green-eyed ‘indiscretion’ that would send Eiri into an absolute tizzy. Unless... suddenly all the pieces fit into place.

"Eiri, are you worried about me sleeping around when I'm on tour?"

I watched him as he took the plates to the kitchen and came back into the living room without saying anything.

"You are worried," I exhaled as I flopped onto the couch, unsure if it was the pain from my legs or the pain in my heart that caused me to whimper. I couldn’t deny the fact that I was ultimately responsible for Eiri’s fears. He had a right to worry about me being unfaithful; I had given him every reason to.

"Sorry," he said.

"What? What are you sorry for?" I answered in confusion. "Shouldn't that be my line?"

He gave me that look. The look that says I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. My stomach clenched in fear.

"You know what this feels like,” he struggled with the words before he continued. "I never knew before."

"Ah," I nodded as I relaxed a bit from hearing his confession. "Yeah. It's a scary and helpless feeling. It sucks and it can make you crazy." I tipped my head so I could look at him straight in the eyes. "It makes you do things, makes you try to capture and hold on to the one you love. Even if you hurt them in the process."

"Like..." he looked away from me.

"Yes. Like you did to me before."

"Sorry," he said quietly again.

"You're lucky, Eiri," I chuckled. "If I had been physically stronger before, I would have made sure you never left the house. I would have chained you up so you couldn’t have gone anywhere, just so I could be sure to know where you were every second of everyday. I would have made you a prisoner. We could have ended up in some true crime tabloid story, “Yuki Eiri Held Hostage By Crazed Boyfriend” or something similar."

“I…” he inhaled before he continued, “I don’t like feeling this.”

I chuckled again, this time with sarcasm as I asked, “What’s there to like about it, Eiri? It’s an ugly feeling.” I shrugged before I added, “We’ll do what we can to stop the other from freaking out. You’ll come see me a lot. We’ll talk a lot.”

“Huh,” he muttered, unconvinced.

“Email, Eiri. We’ll talk through email. I’m not so stupid to think you’ve changed enough to have frequent phone conversations with me. You seem to be relatively comfortable with email, we’ll do it that way.” I smiled as I held out my hand to him, inviting him to join me on the couch.

Taking my hand, he sat down but continued to avoid eye contact. He was so insecure and, to be honest, I still had a difficult time acknowledging his fear. I was certain he had always been afraid, but I had been too self involved to see it. Maybe that was the reason he had kept me at arm’s length and tried to drive me away. He had expected me to leave him and, when I didn’t, he continued to treat my love with suspicion.

It occurred to me that I had surprised Eiri by loving him.

Sadly, our relationship did reach a point where Eiri forced his self-fulfilling prophecy into stark reality. A point where I finally reached my limit, where he crossed a line and I was hurt badly enough to be driven away.

I found it ironic that, in a way, my acceptance of his rejection is what brought him back to me. Had I known, I could have saved us both a lot of time and a lot of anguish. Not to mention, I wouldn’t be the messed up person I was now. Yet, somehow, my broken self seemed to draw Eiri, as I never could when I was whole and sane. Maybe we needed to go through this ordeal, maybe I had to break in order to have him.

Was that a fair trade? Were my innocence, my unconditional love, my sanity, and so much more, were all of those things worth sacrificing in order to have Eiri?

“Hey,” he said quietly. “Are you here?”

I looked at his beautiful face, concern, tenderness and even love etched in it so deeply. Eiri had never shown me these things so openly before.

Was it worth it… how could I even ask myself such a question?

“Shuichi?” he said sternly.

I blinked at him. “We’re like a broken leg.”

“What?” He asked as his brow furrowed.

“You know how sometimes people crack a bone and it doesn’t heal right?”

“What the fuck are you blathering about?” he asked impatiently.

I smiled, “You and me, Eiri, are like a broken bone. For a long time we were just kind of broken, so we couldn’t heal right.” My thoughts picked up speed and my mouth tried to keep up as I continued, “And now we’ve fallen down the stairs or something and snapped the bone in completely in two. Maybe even a compound fracture! That means maybe we can heal like we are supposed to.”

He stared at me. “You’re a freak.”

I grinned because, beneath his surliness, I could see he understood what I was saying.

“I love you, Eiri.” I said as I felt the familiar swelling of my heart. I let it build this time; I didn’t fight it as I had for the past several months. I knew we had some roadblocks ahead, but I was sure we would survive them.

At least, I hoped we would.

I stared at my phone for a moment before I folded it closed.

“What is it?” Eiri asked with concern in his voice.

“It was Maiko. She left me a very strange message.”

“Well, in spite of her much larger brain capacity, she remains related to you, so strange behavior would not be out of the question.”

“Yeah. I guess,” I agreed with his insult absently.

He watched me closely before he added in a much softer tone of voice, “Do we need to go see her?”

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” I shook my head and smiled at him. “School must be getting to her. She’s almost ready to graduate and I know she’s been working very hard. That must be it.”

Paranoid. Maiko had sounded paranoid. Of all things, all emotions, I had never seen Maiko paranoid. No, I must be imagining things. Even so, the sound in her voice was not common. I made a mental note to call her later.

“Come on,” Eiri grumbled.

“It’s not as if we’ll be late,” I snapped at him.

“I want to get this over with,” he answered.

I rolled my eyes, “Oh, yes, very romantic of you, Eiri. Just what I want to hear about picking out rings, you want to ‘get it over with’. I swear I don’t know why I’ve agreed to this. It’s just an…”

“Okay, okay,” he cut me off. “Don’t get your panties in a bunch. Sometimes you are such a princess.”

“Eiri…”

He kissed me and it was a good one. That fucker. He always did use low tactics to get me to comply with him. When he broke the kiss, and while I was still seeing stars, he took my hand and led me out of the apartment.

“So… are we going to the place we talked about?” I asked quietly when I regained the ability to speak again.

He nodded as we neared the car. The Mercedes was really a beautiful automobile. I was glad I had bought it for him. In spite of the fact and considering the circumstances, the purchase of the car hadn’t really been a gift, it had been sort of a peace offering. After all, I had demolished his other car with a baseball bat.

I cringed when I thought about that night.

Eiri tried to run me down because he was in a jealous rage. My anger, my blinding, searing anger, I wanted to hurt Eiri so bad for leaving me that day. And I did exactly that, by sleeping with Kyo. Yes, I did hurt Eiri, in a way that would haunt us both for the rest of our lives.

And then Eiri and that woman…

Knuckles rapped on my skull. “Stop brooding and get in the car.”

“Oww,” I complained as I rubbed my scalp and opened the car door. “And I wasn’t brooding.”

“Uh huh,” he said, but he was not convinced as he got into the Mercedes.

I slid into the seat as I asked, “What’s the name of this place again?”

“Parfait. Apparently the owner also makes her own jewelry.” Eiri answered as he started the car.

“Is there something in particular you want as far as designs go, Eiri?”

“Not really. Let’s just see what she has.”

“I can’t believe she’s opening the store just to see us. Alone. I mean, doesn’t that defeat the purpose of having celebrities buy stuff from her?”

Eiri reached for a cigarette and lit it. “When your friend asks you about your ring what will you tell him?”

“That you and I have matching rings.” I said with a grin.

“No, you idiot,” he sighed in exasperation. “Won’t you tell him where you got it from?”

“Well… yeah.”

“And when the press asks?”

“Oh… I get it.”

“If Touko-san’s name is brought up, she will be swarmed with orders for her jewelry.”

I nodded. “So it makes perfect sense she sees us by special appointment.”

“Yes.”

“Eiri… did Tohma have anything to do with this?” I asked.

“Not a thing.” He answered with a hint of smugness.

“So… it must have been Mika then?”

He didn’t answer. I knew it. Eiri was too socially retarded to know about many jewelry shops. But I loved him all the same for trying. I was oddly moved by him lowering his defenses far enough to allow Mika to help in our relationship.

Once inside, we met the owner and designer and Eiri took control of the situation. He and Touko-san sat at a table in the corner of the store and looked through the design catalogue, ignoring me completely. I recognized the mode he was in. He would consult with me once he found five or six options he felt were acceptable for him. The process was fine by me, Eiri had impeccable taste and, when it came right down to it, he was the more difficult one of us to please.

Besides, I was feeling lazy and complacent, temporarily comfortable with our relationship and willing to give him the control he wanted. Well, for the moment, anyway. Besides, in the unlikely event that I didn’t care for anything he picked out, we could always fight about it later.

With Eiri’s attention focused on the design choices, I was free to roam the store and indulge my accessory fetish with the salesclerk. I even had time to discuss a couple of pieces I wanted to have made without Eiri’s knowledge.

While I was looking at necklaces, two young men entered the store carrying boxes.

Touko-san excused herself from helping Eiri and met the boys near where I stood. One of the boys was tall and strikingly handsome with light brown hair. He spoke casually with Touko-san, leading me to believe he was more to her than an employee. The shorter, dark-haired boy stood behind him and stared at me shyly, his deep, dark eyes wide with recognition and admiration.

Clearly, he was a Bad Luck fan.

I smiled at him and he blushed as he grabbed his friend’s arm and stepped closer.

The taller boy looked down him gentle concern lined his face, “Wataru?”

Following Wataru’s line of sight, the other boy’s eyes concentrated on me. Wataru stood on his toes and whispered in his friend’s ear.

Smiling, the boy said, “Why don’t you ask her if it’s okay?”

“Kazuki…” Wataru whined and his blush deepened.

Touko-san motioned the boys to follow her with the boxes and I watched them disappear into the back of the store, Wataru still looking over his shoulder at me. He was so cute, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.

“Hey!” Eiri summoned me from across the store. “What do you think of this?”

I wandered over to him and looked at the picture. The design was simple, elegant, and stylish. I stared at it, “Eiri… this is absolutely perfect. I love it.”

Eiri still had his glasses on and he raised his eyes far enough to look over the rim at me with a scowl, “Who were the boys you were ogling?”

“I was not ogling,” I snapped at him. “One of them is a fan trying to find out if it’s okay to talk to me. I’m fairly sure the other one is his boyfriend.”

“Is that so?” He said with suspicion.

“Yes, Eiri.”

“Well then, you better tell Touko-san its okay for them to speak to us,” he said with a sigh. “Both of us.”

Nodding I said, “Okay. Too bad I don’t have any CD’s with me.”

“There’s one in the car,” he replied quietly.

“What?” I turned my head to look at him.

“Don’t jump to conclusions. I assumed you left it in there,” he resumed looking at the catalogue.

I smiled but said, “Oh, yeah, right. That must have been me. I'll go get it. And don't worry, I'll forget another one to replace it.”

"Like I care," he shrugged.

"If Touko-san comes back, will you tell her it’s okay?"

"Hn."

I ran out to the car and found the CD in the glove box. Eiri never ceased to amaze me; he must have bought the CD, as if I wouldn’t get him one for free. I also snagged a proof copy of Eiri’s latest book lying on the floor behind the seat. The book was not yet available to buy, but the proof copies were usually in paperback and sent out to bookstores and reviewers as a preview before the actual publish date. It wasn’t as cool as a hard cover, but I was sure someone would want it.

As I came back in the store, I saw Eiri in deep conversation with Touko-san about our rings. She looked up at me, smiled, and tipped her head towards the boys.

Wataru was wringing his hands nervously and Kazuki looked bored. As I approached, Kazuki broke into a bright smile, he was very attractive and his cool demeanor reminded me of Eiri in many ways.

“Shindou-sama,” he said as he bowed.

“Ugh, don’t call me that,” I smiled. “You sound like my sister’s boyfriend.”

Wataru bowed also but didn’t say anything.

“I am Kazuki Yuichi and this is Fujii Wataru.” He pointed his thumb at Wataru. “He’s a big fan of yours.”

“Kazuki…” Wataru said as he blushed again from his boyfriend’s teasing.

I had to smile, in many ways the two were reminiscent of an earlier Eiri and me. Although, I must admit I was never the shy type. “So, Wataru, you are a fan of Bad Luck?”

“Yes, Shindou-san,” he said with his eyes still glued to the floor.

“So, do you want me to sign this CD for you? But I have to apologize, it is not new.”

“Oh! Yes! And I don’t mind that it’s not new, not at all!” He said breathlessly as Kazuki smiled at him fondly. “Thank you. It’s very kind of you to give me your own copy.”

Wataru’s smile was brilliant and I couldn’t miss the adoration shinning out from Kazuki’s eyes for his dark-haired companion. There was no doubt in my mind; the two were more than friends. “Actually,” I said as I signed the CD and leaned forward conspiratorially to whisper, “I stole it from my boyfriend to give to you.”

That got his attention and he finally looked up and into my eyes, his own black eyes wide with surprise. He glanced in Eiri’s direction. “He won’t be mad will he?”

I laughed as I held out the CD to him. “No. He won’t be mad. He doesn’t like Bad Luck, anyway.”

“Really?” He reached out and took the CD, I saw the ring on his ring finger. “But how can that be? How can he not love your music?”

“It’s complicated and difficult to explain,” I smiled with the warm feelings for my own surly boyfriend. “You know, Bad Luck is about to go on a long tour, but we will be finishing up here in Tokyo. Would the two of you like tickets to the show?”

“With Nittle Grasper? And Suspended Animation?” Wataru could barely contain his obvious excitement. “Kazuki?”

“Of course,” Kazuki answered. “If I were to say ‘no’ then you would brood about it.”

“Hey!” Wataru huffed. “I do not brood!”

I felt a hand on my waist, “Shuichi, maybe you should introduce me to your new friends?”

I made the introductions as Eiri stood next to me and let his hand slip from my waist to my hip, but he did not let go. He was giving the boys the message, and not very subtly, that I was taken.

Internally, I rolled my eyes. As if I would do anything …

Although, looking over at the two young men, I realized Wataru was my type. Well, I should say, my type when Eiri had been absent from my life. Wataru was slight, dark-haired, shy, and adorable – essentially, a perfect fruit, ripe for the plucking. I would have been after him in a heartbeat if Eiri weren’t in my life. My eyes shifted to Kazuki’s and I saw the clear, dark warning there.

Well… maybe not. Great, another possessive boyfriend.

I changed my gaze again and met Eiri’s penetrating glare, his hand tightened possessively on my hip. I smiled at his jealousy.

“Here, sign this,” I finally said with a chuckle as I handed him the book proof.

He raised an eyebrow and said dubiously, “To whom?”

We looked at the two boys and they looked at each other. Finally Wataru spoke up, “Um, maybe for Karin?”

“Well…” Kazuki interrupted. “Maybe to Yuichi? If you don’t mind, Yuki-san.”

Wataru’s mouth fell open as he stared at his friend or; was that lover? Kazuki shrugged. Eiri smiled his fake fan-service smile as he signed the book.

I smiled with delight at the exchange.

Eiri finished signing and handed the book to Kazuki. As Kazuki reached out to accept the book, I saw the ring on his finger. It was a match to Wataru’s.

Hmm. I would have to ask Touko-san if she had made them.

The platinum rings we wanted would not be ready before I left for Europe. Eiri insisted we get plain silver bands to wear while we waited for completion of the ‘real’ rings. The bands needed to be sized so we would come back in a few days to pick them up. The salesclerk assured me that my request would be accomplished before my departure, possibly even by the time we picked up the ‘lesser’ rings.

On our way home from the jewelry shop, I spoke of Wataru and Yuichi. They had brought up so many pleasant memories for me, I couldn’t contain my happiness. Eiri tolerated my bubbling excitement with a stoic acceptance. I almost got the impression he was actually pleased to see the old hyperactive Shuichi state once again.

He hardly snapped at me all night.

We spent the next day almost entirely wrapped up in each other. We cuddled on the couch watching DVD’s of sappy love stories and eating leftover pizza. The two of us shared an uncommonly quiet and loving day; I suspected our interaction with Wataru and Yuichi affected Eiri as much as it had me. We were both reflecting on how much we had lost through constant anger and misunderstandings, leading us to an unspoken ceasefire of hostilities.

I was glad for the loving diversion. It gave me a welcome respite from the anxiousness I was feeling due to the upcoming meeting with Tohma the next day. And also from the melancholy I was feeling about the impending separation from Eiri. The rare closeness we currently shared would evaporate the moment I stepped onto my departing plane and for months I could only look forward to insecurity and uncertainty. I would run myself to the point of exhaustion as I always did when Bad Luck toured, so my temper would be short and sharp to add to the stress of missing Eiri. After a while, I would begin to long for diversions.

I wasn’t looking forward to it and it would be quite the test for me. Living the life of a pop star made drugs, alcohol, parties, and partners more than simple to come by. When the months of loneliness, boredom, and abstinence dragged on, would I be able to stay in line? I loved Eiri, and I was relatively certain I wouldn’t stray, but I still had some doubts about myself. And my behavior over the last year had been a testament to the depths I could sink to.

Eiri lay against me, his head resting on my chest, and I was partially propped up against the arm of the couch. I couldn’t see his face, but I was fairly sure he wasn’t asleep. “Eiri?”

“Hmm?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat before I continued, “You’ll come see me, won’t you? When I’m on tour?”

“I said I would, didn’t I?”

“Yeah…” I sighed. “I guess I just wanted to hear it again.”

“Don’t be sad already, you baby. We’ve still got two weeks.”

“I know, but I’ll miss you so much at first.”

He looked up at me, a scowl etched on his face. “Just at first?”

Smiling, I answered, “Yeah. Until the tour starts and then I’ll be busy at least.”

“But you’ll have time for email, right?” He asked, his own insecurity showing.

“Yeah, I’ll make time. But it’s not the same. Why don’t you come with me?” I whined.

He sat up abruptly and I cringed, closing my eyes and feeling the old, desperate me resurface, and I feared his words of anger and rejection. I had allowed myself to be so open to him; it wouldn’t take much to reduce me to ashes. I braced for the pain.

However, instead of harsh the words I felt the gentle caress of his fingertips on my cheek and he said softly, “You know I can’t. I have that hideous book tour right after you leave. I’ll come along after I’m done with that. Besides, you’ll have all of your friends there.”

I would. And I would get to see Kyo, Hiro, and Suguru completely wrapped up in each other. I would probably even get to hear and see them fuck each other, whether I wanted to or not. And now Ryu had that bastard with him, so he would be busy fucking or whatever it was Ryu did. Even Miki was back with Ito.

“I’m not so sure having my friends around is a good thing,” I said bitterly.

Nodding he said, “I’m not sure, either. But at the moment, it’s the only option we have.”

“I know,” I said with a sigh.

He stood up and took my hand, “Come on.”

“The bedroom?” I asked with a smile.

“Yeah.”

“You owe me a massage, Eiri.”

“Don’t worry,” he answered quietly. “I’ll give you all the massaging you could ever want.”

I laughed at his attempt to woo me with the promise of a ‘massage’ as I stood up and followed him. Once we stepped over the threshold, he removed what little clothing we both wore and moved us closer to the bed. The room was dim but not completely dark as we lay down on the bed, side by side in silence as we listened to the soft rain as it fell against the bedroom windows and each other’s calm breathing.

The longer we lay there quietly, the more aware I became of Eiri, and of the comforting warmth radiating from him, and of his ginger-spice scent. In the shadowy room, I could see the peaceful, content look on his face as he serenely turned onto his side and gazed at me. His long, graceful fingers brushed tenderly, teasingly against my neck, specifically the bruising bite that marked me as his.

I stared into his eyes, they were brimming with unspoken emotion, words, and feelings locked down tight by an uncooperative tongue and hiding behind an incomprehensible fear. For possibly the millionth time in my life, I wished Kitazawa had survived the gunshot wound in New York so that I could have killed him myself.

Happily.

Of course, I also would have had to beat Tohma to it. In some ways, Tohma was almost as fucked up over the New York incident as Eiri was. Tohma just expressed his pain a bit more aggressively.

And now, here was Eiri, so many years later, still damaged and unable to articulate his feelings. The fact that he let me see his emotions, let me get this close to him, was miraculous in and of itself. What would happen when he learned of my own darkness, the ugliness that had taken root inside me? Would he reject me? Could he handle it or would I become too overwhelming for him? Maybe I would prove to be too much of a burden for him.

I was scared I would lose him again. Already he had burrowed deep into my heart, into my soul. I had let him in and I hadn’t even been aware of it.

His fingers became more insistent as he allowed them the freedom to travel over my unclad body, caressing me, telling me with his fingertips what his voice could not say. I shivered in reaction but I was afraid to speak, afraid of shattering this marvelously intimate moment.

Shifting closer to me, he slid his leg in-between mine and pressed his body against me, half on and half off, as he continued to stroke my skin. He employed his lips and tongue now, licking me and kissing me with a deliberate slowness, as if he were savoring every taste.

After a several moments of his sweet attention, he raised his head and shifted so he could kiss my mouth. I could feel that we were both completely relaxed and there was no urgency in our touches, no desperate need to possess one another, in spite of our increasing arousal. We were simply content to be near one another.

The kiss was sweet and loving, tender and unhurried. We kissed again, eyes half closed so we could watch and gauge each other’s reactions. Our make out session slowly began to heat up and our kisses became more intense. It wasn’t long before Eiri’s tongue brushed against my lips and I opened my mouth to grant him access.

His tongue was in my mouth, and it brushed against my teeth and tangled with my tongue. I could taste cigarettes and beer mingled with Eiri’s own, unique flavor. I moaned with all the sensations, the first sound either of us had made.

Sliding his right arm underneath me and holding me tight, he rolled the two of us so our positions were reversed. Now I was partially on top of him and one of my legs also rested between his. His arms remained loosely wrapped around me, one hand rubbing my back lazily as I lay against him. My head was now on his chest and I listened to the calm beat of his heart.

Rubbing my inflamed, sweat-covered body against his seductively, I repositioned myself on top of him so we could renew our fevered kissing. We were both beginning to feel the desire but I wished to hold off as long as I could and revel in the rare sweetness. I moved again, so he would not have to bear my full weight, when he trapped my leg by wrapping his own leg around it. Gripping and lifting my hips slightly, he shifted underneath me so both of my legs now rested between his.

I caught my breath when I realized he was giving me an invitation. Placing my hands against the bed, I pushed myself upright in order to make eye contact with him. At the same time, his long arm gracefully retrieved the lubricant from the nightstand and placed it in my hand.

Staring at the bottle, my throat constricted with the thought of his offer. We had only switched a few times previously, and those times had been in recent history and due to my… demands. His fingers touched my chin, raising my head so I could see his eyes. I could see so much love there. And trust.

Trust.

He didn’t know what I really was, that’s how he could trust me. I couldn’t do this, not when so many unspoken lies and horrors lay between us. I felt the slow trickle of tears from my eyes.

I was a lie.

He moved so he could partially sit up and the small bottle was removed from my fingers and opened. He took my right hand and poured a generous amount of lube onto my palm and then some onto his own. Recapping the bottle, he leaned over to replace it on the nightstand.

“Eiri…” I said, as the tears still fell. “I can’t…”

“You do have more sheets, don’t you?” he asked, ignoring my protest with an almost imperceptible smile. Wiggling back down underneath me he touched my flagging erection with his lube-covered hand. The touch of his hand was electric and I moaned as I felt the hunger of desire renew itself in me.

“But, you don’t understand,” I struggled to explain as I hung my head and forced my tears to stop.

He touched my chin again and I lifted my head in response. We shared a long look before he raised an eyebrow as if to say, “Are you telling me you don’t want to do this? I know you do.”

“Eiri… you don’t…” he stopped my words by placing a finger on my lips.

I gave him one last, long searching look. His eyes were soft and yielding, such a rare sight. And he wasn’t asking for explanations and he wasn’t offering himself in order to simply pacify me. Somehow, giving himself to me without coercion or drugs or a bargain was necessary for him.

Why?

The answer was simple, yet difficult. He was giving to me because he loved me. At this particular moment, I knew he was incapable of forcing the words he wanted to say from his throat, so he was trying to tell me he loved me the only way he knew how - with his body.

This wasn’t about me, or what I wanted. This was about what he needed. If I didn’t go through with this…

Exhaling, I sat back between his thighs, resting on my shins as I gazed at him again. He was so unbelievably beautiful. Of course I would do this. I would do anything for him.

The lube, nearly forgotten, was beginning to drip from my fingers. I leaned forward and licked at his always-impressive cock and, in response, he raised his knees and spread his legs for me.

For me.

I touched him tentatively with my fingertip and he rolled his hips at my touch, giving me better access. I placed my mouth over the head of his erection and, at the same time, I stroked the length of his crevasse with my slippery fingers.

Feeling his cock pulse in my mouth, I suddenly understood that Eiri wanted this almost as much as I did. I slipped the tip of my middle finger into his entrance and I heard his breath catch. Once I teased the opening wider, I slid my finger in deeper and simultaneously dragged my tongue roughly along his erection.

Eiri wasn’t used to this, so I went slowly, allowing him time to completely relax before I added a second finger. My fingers gently stretched him, preparing him and teasing him. Soon, he was making soft appreciative noises and I could tell he was ready for me.

And I wanted him so badly. I was dripping wet and achingly hard. I sat up and placed my left hand against the back of his right leg and I pushed my cock into him. Tight, wet heat enclosed me and I groaned with the sensation overload. I moved my hand so I could actually slip my shoulder under Eiri’s leg in order to get a deeper angle.

I gazed at his face, he was concentrating but I didn’t think he was in pain. I stopped my movements and waited.

His eyes opened slowly and he met my stare. After a moment, I felt his left leg hook around my back, forcing me further inside to his taut depths. “Eiri…” I whispered as I surrendered to his unspoken urging and began to move.

We made love with slow, delicious languor, feeling the love and connection between us like never before. My movements were dreamlike as I thrust in and out of my lover, my one and only love, letting the desire build to a slow crescendo. I reached between us and stroked his hard and wet cock, realizing again with surprise, Eiri was actually turned on and enjoying me being inside of him.

His eyes were closed and his face was flushed, but I could tell he was getting close. His erection became harder and his passage became tighter as his lifted his hips as much as he could to meet my every advance.

“Shuichi…” he moaned with his release as his warm cum spilled over my hand and onto his belly.

His voice calling my name, his shuddering body beneath me, his scent, his taste, that was all I could take and I pressed into him, as deep and as hard as I could as I came. I moaned as I fell on him, my twitching cock still buried in him as I lost myself in the pure pleasure of my orgasm.

And I was fairly certain, through the humming in my ears, I heard him whisper very, very softly that he loved me.

The rain continued to fall outside, lulling and relaxing us both. The sheets were changed and we were clean. Eiri lay on his side, his back to me with Neko-Yuki curled tight against his stomach. I lay on my side, propped up on my elbow watching them both.

I would see Tohma in the morning. Well, in a few hours, actually. We had therapy in the afternoon the next day and I would schedule my own, individual therapy then.

Soon, Eiri would know of the ugliness living inside me. How would he feel about me then? When he knew I had slept with a multitude of Wataru look-a-likes? Or when he found out about Tohma? Or when he realized what I’d actually done with Hiro?

I could not dismiss the fear that this might be the last time Eiri and I would share this closeness. Or, that this might have been the last time he would look at me with love. Wrapping my arm around him I spooned against him, listening intently to his gentle, steady breathing as I wished with all my being the night would never end.

But then, dreams always do end, don’t they?


TBC


Lyrics for No. 1 Crush by Garbage


Note: If you haven’t already guessed, Yuichi and Wataru appear from Only the Ring Finger Knows. They are the property of: Satoru Kannagi and Hotaru Odagiri. I apologize for the crossover, but I love Yuichi and Wataru almost as much as I love Eiri and Shu and I don’t think I could write fanfiction for them. So, I dragged them into this one!

Shameless of me, huh?

Thank you, all of you who have left me reviews. It makes me feel loved. Really. :D