Mommy Dearest

He almost made it to the end of the day. Kyoya almost managed to avoid all of his friend's advances in peace.

Then the cake incident happened.

Honey had spent most of his time working on a most elaborate cake. The actual baking had been done quite early, but the rest of the time was devoted to lathering a very complicated decoration across it. Somehow little bunnies had been formed and each host club member had been drawn and detailed in perfect little scalloped frosting strokes. The customers had been enthralled with his dedication... and the way he managed to make a complete mess which only Mori was cleaning up.

At this point Tamaki had been utterly rejected by Haruhi moreso than usual; she spent all her time talking to the twins about class. Her innocent act with regards to ignoring Daddy was very convincing, but occasionally she caught Kyoya's eye with a sly look and he knew it was all intentional.

And so a depressed Tamaki was in no mood to cut the cake and actually serve it. And as every club member knows, when the President is unable to perform a duty, it must fall upon the Vice President.

Kyoya stood in front of a massive cake loaded with every color of frosting imaginable, wielding a knife. Tamaki seemed very charmed by change of roles.

“Be careful, Mommy! Don't hurt yourself!” He sat in a chair next to Kyoya so that his view was the best in the room. Somehow his mustache had come off at this point, but his apron was still full of utensils that clanged together as he cheered. The girls were also watching, chatting excitedly as they waited for their food.

“Who gets the first piece? Honey gets the first piece right?” Honey was seated on Kyoya's other side.

“Of course, sure.” Kyoya, meanwhile, was trying to figure out what piece to cut out first. Were you supposed to start from the corner? Or in the middle?

He finally made a decision that he thought would benefit him most; it turned out to backfire severely.

“What should the first cut be, hmmm? I think that perhaps this one is good...” The knife lingered between the frosting versions of Tamaki and Haruhi.

Tamaki gasped.

“What's wrong? Surely you're not upset about being separated from Haruhi in cake form, are you Tamaki?” he teased.

The blond's eyes watered. “Cake form is the only relationship Daughter and I have now...” he sniffed.

“Do it! Do it!” the twins cried out. Haruhi merely had a curious expression.

So Kyoya pressed the knife between the two figures, and cut the cake.

Immediately Tamaki shrieked, and what was worse is that he threw himself at Kyoya. Who lost his balance. And fell into the table. Where the cake was. At least, where the cake was before the table broke.

Then President, Vice President, cake, and table were all one giant mess on the floor.

Unaware of much else except complete embarrassment and how utterly dirty he now was, Kyoya did not see Mori drag a wailing Honey away to console him, nor did he hear the sound of laughter and applause as their audience cheered on an unexpectedly delightful event. Instead, he turned all his attention to the equally dirty Tamaki lying on top of him.

“You clumsy... just look what you've done!”

“I'm sorry!” Tamaki wailed. “Now Cake Tamaki and Cake Haruhi are doomed forever! What have I done indeed!”

Kyoya sighed, stood and tried to pick his friend off the ground as well. “We've got to get cleaned off, this is disgusting.”

“The rest of us can clean here while you're gone.” Kyoya assumed the twin who spoke was Kaoru, but honestly he never even tried to tell them apart.

“Thanks. You, come on.” He dragged Tamaki into the hallway and towards the bathroom.

“Kyoya, could we go to the locker room? We could change into our gym clothes.”

Kyoya nodded. “Alright, good thinking.” And he hustled some more. Luckily the hallways were mostly clear at this hour so no one had seen them covered in food... so far.

They reached the locker room. Kyoya stepped into a shower stall, turned it on, and took his apron off to rinse it in the water. Hopefully the cake wouldn't ruin his pants; they were one of his most comfortable-

Tamaki was suddenly pressed very closely against his back.

“Oh Mommy,” the other boy purred in his ear. “Were you going to take a shower alone? I think there's more than enough room in here for both of us.”

“T-Tamaki!” Kyoya felt his blood run cold as he realized the nightmare situation he had found himself in. He turned around to see 'Daddy' blocked the entrance to the stall.

And he was undressing.

Think. Think. How to get out of this. How was this seriously happening? “Tamaki. What are you doing? You don't like me, you like Haruhi, remember?”

“Haruhi doesn't like me back.” The blond stuck his hand in the waistband of Kyoya's pants and tugged his body forward until it was under the running water. “But she will after this.”

He pressed his hands against Tamaki's chest in a feeble attempt to push him off. “You know I like you Tamaki, but not like this.” Kyoya scowled as Tamaki began to plant wet kisses along his neck. “This is a very bad decision for you to be making. You're...” The kisses worked their way down his throat. “Tamaki please, this is wrong.”

“Mommy, I'm so lonely,” he pouted, and began to unzip Kyoya's pants. “Don't be a bad wife now.”

“I'm not a wife at all, that's just a silly J-OKE okay don't touch that! Hands out of my crotch! We're not doing this again!”

“Oh, poor thing.” Tamaki looked very seriously into Kyoya's eyes. “You wore your glasses in the shower?” He gingerly removed them from Kyoya's face and began planting kisses along his nose and cheeks. The shock froze him in his tracks long enough for Tamaki to slide Kyoya's pants down and start stroking him.

He made some sort of growling noise, but didn't fight back this time. In all honesty, the contact felt good (though he was ashamed to admit it). Kyoya felt deep in his heart that he was at some sort of crossroads. To go through with this would be a point of no return. What would his father say to a homosexual heir? Unthinkable. What about Tamaki's family? He could be utterly rejected from inheritance.

And then there was poor Haruhi. His fantasy of Haruhi and Tamaki, happily married. What a scowl his father would wear that day, and how satisfied Kyoya would be to see them happy...

Snapping back to reality, he was determined to get his friend back to the future he deserved.

“Tamaki. Stop fooling around with my cock, please. You move very fast for someone who I should hope would not have much experience.”

He was met only with a devilish grin. “You've forgotten how much yaoi manga I read for research when we began the club.” He did not stop moving his hand up and down on Kyoya, which admittedly made it harder to be rational.

“I want to know, Tamaki... did anyone specifically say to you that you had to sleep with me...” Kyoya gritted his teeth. It felt good. He had to admit this was feeling very good. Dammit. “Why do you want to do things like this? Isn't it enough just to pretend?”

“Hmm...” Tamaki appeared thoughtful but perhaps he was just stalling for time. He turned Kyoya around and pressed his chest against the wall, continuing to work on him while holding on from behind.

“Someone did tell me that, that I wasn't a good Daddy for her...” Tamaki sighed and sped up his pace a little bit more, causing Kyoya to cry out.

So he'll talk if I let him keep doing this. Well that's just great. Still gritting his teeth, Kyoya mustered, “Who? Who told you that?”

“Haruhi won't talk to me unless she knew you and I had sex. And I really like talking to Haruhi...so we have to do something sexual and she'll know I seriously think of her as a daughter. I'm sorry, Kyoya, but I hoped you wouldn't mind...”

“Did- did Haruhi say that though? Who said it?”

“Oh... no I guess she didn't say that directly, just began ignoring me...”

To his horror,Kyoya realized he was getting close. He tried to arch his back or get away somehow, but Tamaki just pressed into his body from behind to hold him in place.

“Who. Said that. Who? Augh...” The smell of their cake covered clothes filled his nose. Kyoya wouldn't be surprised if the whole incident put him off of pastries permanently.

“Oh! It was those terrible Hitachiins. I wish Haruhi would have just told me directly!” Tamaki nuzzled the back of his neck. “Almost there?”

THE TWINS. Kyoya felt a surge of fury for a split second; then a surge of something else overcame him and he found himself convulsing most unflatteringly against the wall of the shower. Tamaki waited until he had calmed, then embraced him tenderly.

“Are you mad at me?” he asked after they were quiet for a time.

Kyoya realized with embarrassment that they were both still standing in a shower, half clothed. Hopefully no one else had walked in and overheard his... indiscretion. But he truly wasn't mad at Tamaki. He couldn't help being so gullible sometimes.

“Not at you,” Kyoya responded softly. “But you won't have to do anything like this ever again, okay?”

“You think this will be enough for her to forgive me?” Tamaki looked so innocent; he felt his anger increasing.

“I don't believe Haruhi ever intended for you to do this in the first place. Regardless, I understand the situation now.” Kyoya focused his attention on the ground, and Tamaki looked surprised at his suddenly cold expression. “You don't have to worry about anything else.”

When Kyoya was done with Hikaru and Kaoru, not even a hundred Ootori policemen would be able to put the pieces back together.