Poisoned Rationality

"Mello?" Matt hovered over him, sure that the blond was only feigning sleep. Mello had been lying there for five hours now. Unnaturally quiet for most of the day, Mello had resisted all attempts to be drawn into conversation or to engage in anything much. He had sat on the settee staring at the television, but not reacting to anything. He hadn\'t even picked up his laptop. Only the eight bars of chocolate consumed during that time represented any movement at all. Matt had left him to it. Mello had moods like this occasionally, usually when he was picking over a strategy in his mind, but even then he was generally more animated. Then he had wordlessly retired to their bed. "Mello?" There was no response. It hurt more deeply that Matt would admit.



Matt thought long and hard about the embargo upon touching his lover. On so many different levels, it made sense to just walk away. He was never more than ten feet away anyway, walking on the final trace for Raito Yagami\'s location and becoming absorbed in computer games. The pain-killers worked really well, so Matt felt almost human again. In a physical sense, the redhead understood what Mello was saying, that there was only so much stress that a body could take before the harm became permanent; in a sexual sense, it was a new, delicious notion to be so forbidden, like handcuffs without the steel; in a mental capacity, awaiting Mello\'s initiative took the pressure off having his head bitten off. However, all of those agreements had been made before Mello redrew so far into himself that Matt could barely see him there at all.



Peering over his friend\'s prone body, Matt could see the chocolate wrapper. Mello must have been covertly sucking on the contents during at least some of the time he had been lying there. Matt glanced across at their Mother Mary shrine and briefly considered picking it up and carrying it across. But it might bounce on the bed and hit Mello in the face, which probably wasn\'t a good idea. Besides it didn\'t feel like a religious crisis going on in that slender frame. Matt debated and rejected the notion that actually he didn\'t want to involve the Virgin because he wanted it to be himself, not the Church, which rekindled the passion in his lover. He sighed. "Mello, you\'re worrying me." No response. "You don\'t even nearly look like you\'re asleep. Tell me to fuck off if you like, but don\'t shut me out." No response. "Ok, all bets off."



Matt knelt onto the bed and placed his hand on Mello\'s arm. There was an instant reaction, as Mello\'s hand rose to stop him. "You aren\'t to touch me."



"That was before you started moping around and..."



"It\'s now, Matt." Mello growled. "Just leave me alone."



"When I was hurting, you sat there and stroked my hair and hugged me." Matt argued. "I just want to..."



"Fuck off and leave me alone." Mello sounded tired. "Go and play your computer games." He released Matt\'s arm and tucked his own hands under his chin. "Leave me alone."



Matt felt the freeze, inside and out, but nontheless, he shuffled off the bed. "The decision you made this morning, I really respect you for it. It\'s probably the most genius, bravest decision ever to come out of a Wammy mind and that\'s up against some stiff competition. You\'ve gone against years of conditioning and your own emotional wellbeing to make it, but it is genius. Near wouldn\'t have had the capacity to make it, if the roles were reversed. Right now, there\'s no L keeping score, but if my opinion counts for shit, you are currently number one in any rankings." He sat on the bedside cabinet, his hand over the wound in his side. Imagery popped into his mind. "Hey! The stage is set. I get to be the fucking Fisher King, so all we need now are the maidens to appear bearing the Hallows. Oh my God! Here it is!" Matt picked up a glass of water from behind him and held it in the air. "The Holy Grail! Hold on, it\'s speaking to me." On the bed, there came the sound of chocolate being snapped off. "It said to ask you, \'whom does it serve?\'"



With a creaking of bedsprings, Mello finally turned around. He peered up at Matt, who was holding aloft the glass in both hands, as if it truly was a reverent thing. The water within caught the lights and reflected them back edged with prisms. Mello bit off more chocolate and the tiniest smile was forced onto the corner of his lips. "What are you doing?"



"Ask me the question.\'" Matt lowered the glass and held it out to the blond. "Look I\'m bleeding from my side and I have the Holy Grail, ask me.\'"



Mello sighed and, with every pretence of humouring him, asked, "Whom does the Grail serve?"



Matt stared deep into Mello\'s eyes, quoted from de Troyes as emphatically as he could speak the words, "The old king, whose heir you are.\'" With his foot on the bed for balance, Matt brought the glass down until, for fear of it upturning and soaking him, Mello took it off him. "Thus the wasteland was banished and the fertile world was restored. Across the kingdom, the flowers came into bloom again and fruit hung heavy upon the trees... and the Fisher King was healed." Matt pushed himself off the bedside cabinet, steeling his features against revealing the pain that caused, and beamed happily at the side of the bed. "Hot chocolate, my liege, or something stronger?"



Mello actually laughed. He scratched at the scarred side of his face and sat up. "You\'re a fucking headcase, you are." He took a sip of the water and peered over the top of the glass at his lover. "Are you really bleeding?"



"I could do with the dressings changing, but it\'s not coming through anymore." He pointed to the glass. "The power of the Grail. Woot!"



Mello smiled, though there was still a dullness in his normally vibrant eyes. "Ok, fetch the First Aid kit, I\'ll do it." He watched as Matt dashed across the room, then surreptitiously had another long gulp of the water. Though Mello knew it was no more than play-acting, the water really did feel changed. Refreshing. The redhead returned with the box and a bin for the bloody rejects and sat down on the bed. "Ok, strip for me."



Matt smirked and pulled up his top. The intake of breath galvanated Mello into sitting up properly and helping him. No matter how dismissive the redhead was about his injuries, the sight of his battered torso still made Mello wince. It was so much worse because he had been the cause, directly or indirectly, of every mark there. Mello quietly set about unravelling the dressing, his gaze taking in every other wound. Matt startled him by speaking. "Is this how it\'s always going to be?"



"Is what?"



"Us." Matt whispered. "You alternating between being a violent bastard, who adds another cut or bruise on me every day, and an angst-ridden choirboy, who does much worse to his own head?" Matt stared at the floor. "You asked me before, when you switched again, what hurt me most. The answer is when you look at me like you\'re looking at me now. I\'d take the sharp end of your belt any day over that."



"What do you mean how I\'m looking at you now?" Mello snapped. "I\'m watching what I\'m doing with a bandage!"



"Looking at me like I\'m repulsive or like I\'m breaking your heart." Matt shook his head. "It\'s not a new thing. When you used to look at me like that, when you were working for the Mafia, I knew you were going to leave for a week or more. I was never sure if you were coming back. I think the only reason you\'re here now is because of this thing we\'re dealing with together. Kira." He bit his lip. "Only, if I have any say in the matter, I love how we were at Christmas, but if the price is you finding me repulsive, I\'d rather have..."



"I don\'t find you repulsive." Mello eased the pad from the around Matt\'s gunshot wounds. "You\'re being paranoid again. Where\'s this suddenly come from?" Matt shrugged and Mello inspected the injuries. They had stopped bleeding and there was no sign of infection. Mello was secretly pleased with himself for his work with them the night before. "Do you honestly think I find you repulsive? Matt, fucking look at me. Half my face has been burned off and you look at me like I\'m the sexiest creature alive. You think a few bruises is going to put me off you?"



"I think it\'s more that you get the guilt for putting them there." Matt spoke very softly, cautiously. "Like when you go all Catholic."



"Bollocks." Mello corrected. "It\'s more that I know when to stop." His finger hovered over a particularly large welt on Matt\'s back. "Sometimes. By which I mean that I build in recovery time." He swabbed around the exit wound with antiseptic, then took the opportunity to lather the entire of his lover\'s back in the stuff. "Are you trying to say that if I grabbed you now, handcuffed you to the railings again and took my belt off, you\'d cheer?" The hesitation before Matt opened his mouth to speak was enough to confirm things for Mello. "Precisely! You are healing, you know? And I\'m not just talking about your body. You never used to be this honest."



Matt peered under his fringe, unexpectedly meeting Mello\'s gaze back. He smirked, "It never used to be this safe to be honest. You\'ve always been the kind of person who it\'s better to tell what you want to hear rather than the truth."



Mello froze, but his eyes danced with fire. It was the first flash of spirit that Matt had seen in him since the Yakuza had left. His tone dripped venom. "And what is the truth, Matt?"



"You\'re fucking high maintenance 100% of the time." Matt bobbed his tongue out. "But that\'s probably why I hang around. Life would be awfully boring without you."



"Lean back, carefully." Mello unfurled from the bed and straddled Matt\'s lap. "You better believe I\'m high maintenance, asshole, because you\'re the one doing the maintaining." He managed to make the application of anti-septic seem like a precursor to sex. Fingers tenderly rubbing in the cream to the entrance wound and all the marks on Matt\'s chest and stomach, while a smirk played beneath the long, blond fringe. Mello reached for the sterile pads and pressed them against the gunshot wounds with one hand, while the other took the bandage and, trapping it under a finger, wrapped it around Matt\'s waist, ribcage, up over his shoulder and back around his waist again. Mello winked. "See, even when we\'re in down time, I\'m still tying you up." He secured the bandage and sat back. "Wrists please."



Levering himself back up and wincing at the gripping pain, Matt smiled inches from his lover\'s face. He presented his purple, sore wrists and Mello kissed them, before gently applying anti-septic there too. "For the record, you are the sexiest creature alive. That\'s why I look at you like you are."



Mello smiled. "Yes, but doing this to your wrists was out of order. Remind me to tie you down with silk if they are ever even approaching this state again."



"Tie me down with silk, Mello." Matt smirked and the man on his lap laughed out loud. "Or bandages, I\'m not fussy."



"Don\'t tempt me." Mello pressed Matt\'s hands together, encased in his own, then slid his top lip over the tips of their middle fingers. His tongue licked the join, while his eyes glinted at Matt over the top of them. Kisses followed. It was so Mello, Matt thought, a cross between prayer and eroticism. "You are not repulsive, Matty, in any circumstances." They exchanged smiles. "A lazy bastard at times, but at least you\'re not stoned or otherwise wrecked most of the time these days. If you want to know about being ignored, forget today and look at every other day when you\'ve got a new game to master. At least I\'ve got you out of the house for something more than cigarettes, games or amphetamines and maybe saved some brain cells along the way. But, fuck Matt, you\'re the better person. Between me and you, I mean. Drop dead gorgeous to boot." Mello leaned in, holding himself away from Matt\'s chest, but pushing the back of his head to meet the kiss. "I love you. Thank you for never giving up on me."



"Ditto." Matt bowed his head, feeling awkward. He became aware that his forearms were on Mello\'s thighs and his hands were holding his lover\'s backside. "Oops. I\'m touching you."



"So I noticed." Mello smirked coquettishly. Matt had once tried to quantify all of Mello\'s personalities, each with their own set of rules, not necessarily bound by the rules set by his other selves. This one was one of the oldest. It was Mello at his most coyly camp, though pointing that out risked the immediate appearance of Mello Three (psychopathic, sadistic bastard), with an option on Mello One (insecure and beset by an inferiority complex the size of Winchester). "I decided to let it slip."



"You\'re beautiful." Matt replied, watching the blush start. He did enjoy Mello Five, the personality on display now. "How far can I go and you\'ll let it carry on slipping?"



"Why don\'t you try it and see?" Mello cocked his head, so that most of his facial scar was covered in hair. He looked deceptively innocent. Matt\'s hand rose to slide under the hair and to caress the burn, aware that it was itching. He leaned in to kiss all along that side of his lover\'s face, then reached into the First Aid kit and extracted the cocoa butter. Seeking to ape Mello\'s actions earlier, Matt gently rubbed it into the mottled skin. He paused to kiss Mello\'s lips, as his fingers lightly massaged the particularly deep part of the scarring, where his neck and shoulder met. Matt smiled as a blond head came forward to rest upon his shoulder and his arm flexed to support Mello\'s weight. There was no protest as Matt unzipped the leather vest top and eased it over Mello\'s arm. As soon as the chest scarring was balmed with cocoa butter, Mello\'s arm came up to wrap itself around Matt\'s neck. He had evidently forgotten all about the bruising there, but Matt just smiled and applied the soothing ointment to his lover\'s back and upper arms. Then Matt just held him, his hand drifting up and down Mello\'s back. Eventually, a gruff voice sounded from Matt\'s collarbone. "Am I sitting on bruises?"



"If I lie to you, will you stay there?" Matt held him a little more tightly, but Mello\'s head emerged and he had switched into Mello Two (icy efficiency and iron decisiveness). "I honestly prefer you staying right there. You\'re not hurting me."



"You would say that even if I was." Mello brushed Matt\'s arms away and stood up. He bent for a final kiss, then turned to view the television. It was all about the successor to Lady Takada and speculation about what Kira would do to her murderers. Matt reached, both hands on Mello\'s hips and pulled him onto his back on the bed. "What the fuck?"



But whatever Matt had been thinking, he was now curled up beside Mello, both hands pressed against his gunshot wound. His face was screwed up in agony. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." He moaned. Mello sat back up and prised Matt\'s hands away to look. There was no blood seeping through. "Sorry, two seconds and I\'ll be back to follow through on that."



"Like Hell you will." Mello stepped well out of reach, settling into the settee and taking up his laptop. After a few minutes, Matt stood too and joined him there. He retrieved his game controls and popped a cigarette into his mouth. It hadn\'t been a failure. Mello was back from whichever Hell he\'d placed himself in and the room felt warmer accordingly. Matt smiled and beside him, Mello did too.