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Ass' Pokemon Adventure and crap	By : c0p13r Category: Pokemon > General Views: 3514 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own 'Pokémon' nor do I make money off of this story

Chapter List
- 1-Day 1
- 2-Day 2
- 3-Day 3
- 4-Day 4
- 5-Day 5
- 6-Day 6
- 7-Day 7
- 6
- 7
Narrator: A new day finds Ass and friends nearing the base of Mt. Loon!
~~~
Cock: Isn’t Mt. Loon supposed to be after P.U.ter City instead of after Cruel-Eon?
Ass: What are we, going back to the Red and Blue versions of the game to accurately depict the Kanto Region? Heck, we didn’t even know it was called Kanto until Silver and Gold and the Johto Region… which we still don’t know about.
Cock: Wait, what?
Ass: Exactly.
Mushy: (stretches her arms out and gives and exasperated noise) Jeez, we have to go through that mountain? If we have to put up with that, I say we find some place to rest. Preferably a place that has free room and board that is so common in our world.
?: Sore! Butt-Sore!
Ass: (looks over and sees Cock taking roost on a rock) Jeez, Cock, you don’t have to announce it to the world, you jackass.
Cock: Huh? I didn’t say anything!
Ass: Really? Then who…?

Out from some nearby bushes lunges a furious beast. It glowers at the trio, and Ass immediately recognizes this noteworthy Pokemon with the bud on its back.

Ass: I believe my eyes naught! It’s a goddamn Buttsore!
Buttsore: Sore! So sore!
Ass: (purses his lips) Quite a… ‘battle cry’ it’s got. But I don’t care! I said I’d catch them all, and gosh darn it, that means this beast! PokeBall, go!

Instead of making the mistake of throwing it himself, Ass passes the ‘heavy’ enslaving ball to his trusty Peek-At-You to throw. The yellow rat throws the ball, but Buttsore sends it back with a tackle. After the ball hits Ass in the gut, dropping him to the ground, the Buttsore jiggles in self satisfaction.

Ass: What? What the flying Fuckerbee was that all about?
Mushy: Have you become disillusioned, Ass? You need to weaken it first! It’s not just going to jump inside your PokeBall and let itself become a slave!
Ass: Oh yes, it god damn well will! Peek-At-You, show that Buttsore a thing or two!
Peek-At-You: Pika! (Translation: I’ve got nothing better to do!)

Peek-At-You and Buttsore face off in a grand battle of circling one another. Buttsore flourishes its vines threateningly while Peek-At-You’s cheeks flare with electric jolts. All the while, Ass screams encouragement while Mushy waits; she, of course, intends to vulture this possible capture from Ass at a moment’s notice. Suddenly, before anything could actually happen, a woman comes scrambling out of the woods and throws herself atop of Buttsore.

Woman: Please! Don’t hurt this Buttsore!
Ass: Well, it’s not giving me much of a choice! (holds out his empty PokeBall angrily) Unless he gets the fuck in here right now, I’ll have Peek-At-You claw his asshole out!
Woman: No! This Pokemon was abandoned! I take care of it, and other Pokemon in a cabin a little ways from here. This Buttsore just wandered off because it’s kind of an asshole.
Ass: I see. (sulks and kicks the ground) I guess that means I’ll have to wait before catching them all.
Woman: Oh, but you’ve got to catch them all! How ‘bout you all come and stay with me for a while? There’s no reason I can’t trust you to not be rapists, just like there’s no reason for you not to be able to trust that I’m not a kidnapper who keeps the skulls of Pokemon trainers in a cellar beneath my shack to cook stews in. Come, Buttsore.
Buttsore: So Sore! (frolics after the woman)
Ass: (hesitates a little) Looks like we just ran into a basket of fruits, if you know what I mean.
Mushy: Like you’re one to talk…

Following the woman without a care in the world, Ass and the gang come to a crappy shack that makes Peek-At-You envy his previous life of living underneath a boy’s bed.

Woman: Here it is! Home sweet home!

Though the shack is a pitiful sight, Ass is far more enthralled by all the grass Pokemon wandering around, but only for a moment or two; grass Pokemon aren’t plentiful enough to really give much more than a passing glance.

Ass: I kind of regret making the effort of coming here. But since we are here nonetheless, I say you treat us to some grub! I know we may not look it, but we’re starving!
Woman: What a coincidence! I made enough human food for the four of us! It’s so great to have someone to talk to that aren’t imaginary!
Ass: Human food? What about the Pokemon?
Woman: (halfway up the steps to her front door) Oh, you know. Since they’re all grass, I just kind of… y’know… Since grass Pokemon are basically plants, I just give them manure, straight from my non-working toilet!

Proudly, she points to the other side of the shack, where flies accumulate and die! An Foddish is currently stabbing its little feet in the ground, using Ingrain to sap nutrients from the woman’s ‘compost’ pile.

Mushy: (goes blue-faced) All of a sudden, I’m not hungry.
Cock: Such an aroma! (prances to the woman and takes a wilted flower from his vest; the flower hangs limply and loses a few of its lackluster petals) Might I be so bold to say that the scent of your bowel-movements has wafted through my lungs to give my heart wings!
Ass: (yanks on Cock’s collar) What are you doing, talking like that? She’s a girl, in case you haven’t noticed!
Cock: Ass, I don’t ask for much from my horrible existence, but I will lose my virginity to something not made of plastic! Do you know how awkward it is to be found in your gym, mounting a blow-up Juheenx? I can tell you, those sexy Officer Bennys weren’t too pleased.

Ass tries to picture just what transpired between Cock and his blow-up Pokemon.

Buttsore: Butt-so-sore! (snarls angrily at the intruders)
Woman: Sorry about Buttsore, but after being abandoned, he kind of doesn’t trust trainers. I hope you can understand.
Buttsore: (hawks a loogey and spits it on Ass’ shirt)
Ass: Oh, you little fu-!
Woman: (jumps between him and Buttsore) Please, Buttsore is only trying to protect the Pokemon here. He’s the most loyal Pokemon!
Ass: (simmers down until Buttsore spits on his face) You piece of shit! Peek-At-You, shock the shit outta that turd!
Buttsore: (wiggles its vines tauntingly) So-sore!
Ass: C’mon, Peek-At-You! Kill him! You have no reason not to murder him for me!
Peek-At-You: Pi… (Translation: True, but I wanna eat.)

Ass growls, annoyed, as Buttsore bumps aggressively against his leg in passing. Ass cusses at it, and in return, Buttsore turns around and answers with a quip of a fart. The woman intercedes before Ass could reach for his Crimetate Pokeball. In her hands, she carries a tray with bowls of soup.

Woman: Never mind him. It’s just hard for Buttsore to make friends.
Ass: How nice it must be to have this bitch come up with excuses for you at every turn!
Woman: (as if she doesn’t hear Ass) Here. Let’s eat.
Mushy: Why’d you make soup? It’s hot as a Magmar’s balls out here! Are soup and rice balls a Jap’s whole diet? (sees where the woman placed the food) The fuck?!

The woman sets out the bowls on the ground and immediately shoves her face in her meal. She slurps and chomps before surfacing with a look of accomplishment on her messy face.

Woman: Mmm! Leftover Pokeshit sure hits the spot!
Mushy: Pokeshit?
Woman: Yes. This is what I call a ‘cycle shack’. I feed the Pokemon and they feed me!

Our three heroes all look at each other, and then look down at the brownish-green soup set on the ground. Then they watched the woman shove her face back into the slop.

Cock: … Well, it’s not like I have a lot of options… or standards… or dignity? (starts to lower to eat his own bowl)
Mushy: (yanks him up by the collar of his shirt and slaps him) You so much as take a whiff of that shit, I’ll shove it up your ass!
Woman: (peeks up over the rim of her dog bowl) For seconds?
Ass: … (looks at Mushy) We don’t have to solve the problems for everyone we come across, do we? I say it’s time we skedaddle. If the best I can get from this shithole (glances at the compost pile again, where Foddish has evolved into Floom) is a Buttsore, it’s not worth it. C’mon, gang.
Mushy: Stop acting like you’re the leader!
Ass: Oh? And who else should be the leader? A Pokemon-stealing bitch? A former gym leader who lost easily to the type he should be strong against?
Cock: Who’s that?
Ass: Of the three of us, I’m the one with any valid goals: gotta catch ‘em all!
Mushy: Sounds more like you’ve been brainwashed. But, I can’t argue if we’re getting out of here. Come, Cock! (yanks Cock away before he can stoop down next to the woman’s bowl)

Peek-At-You hurriedly chases after his human companions, leaving behind the lush grass Pokemon. Noticing their departure, Buttsore gasps and rushes after them.

Buttsore: (frantically) Bu-Buttsore! Buttsore! (on the verge of tears now)

Ass hears the frantic cries and turns to see Buttsore trying his hardest to catch up. At once, he is moved by the Pokemon’s need to follow him.

Ass: Buttsore! You… you’d give up your shitty home to come with me? Why… I’ve… I’ve never had a Pokemon do that for me before! (starts to cry) All the others are ungrateful assholes. (sobs; under his breath) O, Fuckerbee…!

Buttsore lunges with a happy smile, tears of joy twinkling as he leaps midair. Ass, in return, readies a Pokeball for him to enter.

Buttsore: (angelically) Buttsore~
Ass: (rapturously) Buttsore~

At once, Buttsore is standing in front of Ass, and after a moment, begins to smack him with its vines. The happiness and joy gone, Buttsore viciously attacks the would-be trainer, eager to draw blood!

Ass: (trying to block the whips) Argh! You piece of shit, Buttsore! I’ll kill you!
Buttsore: (roars, foam at its mouth) Buttsore!

Ass weeps and cries as he inherits more boo-boos from Buttsore’s assault. At one point, he drops the Pokeball that was meant for the rabid beast. Not focusing on anything but causing Ass pain, Buttsore advances with more devastating hits. Unwittingly, it bumps into the dropped Pokeball. It realizes its mistake too late, and it is swallowed by the unholy device. It shakes, and then stills. Ass recovers from the assault, picks up the sphere, and yells.

Ass: I got a Buttsore! Dammit!
Cock: I’ll say you have a butt sore! (smiles coyly behind his mask as he sees a whip streak on Ass’ ass) See? Your butt’s sore!
Ass: Shut your damned mouth! Shit! (drops the Pokeball containing Buttsore on the ground) I own this piece of shit now! Take this! (kicks at the ball, but misses; winds up on his back with a thud!) Dammit! Peek-At-You, show that Pokeball who’s boss!

Peek-At-You tackles Buttsore’s new prison and hits it against the ground several times before unleashing violent blasts of lightning against it. When it is blackened and thoroughly thrashed to his satisfaction, Ass picks up the Pokeball.

Ass: That’ll teach you, you bulbous butt sore! I’ll probably drop you in a volcano or shove you up a Charizard’s ass in the future. But for now, you’re my bitch.
Voice#1: Who’re you calling a ‘bitch’?
Voice#2: It’s time for a bait and switch!
Mushy: Oh god, oh no…
Ass: Again? Dammit, I thought we were just about done!

As expected, Cream Pocket lunges from the trees in gender-reversed clothing.

Jessie: To defeat a nation that is run by Trump
James: To, upon all his ideals, take a dump
Jessie: To wear men’s clothing and not give a care
James: To raid Mommy’s drawer and take her underwear
Jessie: Jessie!
James: James!
Jessie: Cream Pocket sends away for penis transplants, they say
James: I don’t care for mine; you can take it anyway
Yeowch: Damn, James! You gay!
Cock: Holy shit! It’s Cream Pocket! What are you doing here?
Jessie: What do you think? When there’s shit cooking in the air, you know we won’t be too far behind! (inhales the noxious fragrance coming from the shack behind the trio) Mmm, herbs and spices atop recycled doo-doo! Come, James and Yeowch! Fuck the Pokemon today! There’s-a shit on t’e stove!

Eagerly, the three crooks run past Ass and the gang, spouting out ideas of how they intend to steal the soup from the woman in the glen.

Cream Pocket: Looks like Cream Pocket’s eating shit again!
Ass: Well… that was easy. Or maybe it’s the first time they’ve won? (looks at his Buttsore Pokeball) I mean, I wouldn’t really give a fight if they tried to take this pile of dung from me. Now I’m saddled with it. (sighs) Well, them’s the breaks, I guess. C’mon, guys. Let’s drag our misery through Mt. Loon.
~~~
Narrator: Another day, another Pokemon. But Ass still has a lot to go if he intends to catch them all! What new adventures wait for him, and when will he meet the nefarious Lt. Urge?
- 6
- 7
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Ass' Pokemon Adventure and crap