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Tokio Love Monogatari	By : kamorgana Category: Rurouni Kenshin > General Views: 4092 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
- 9
Disclaimer: standard disclaimers apply. RK belongs to Watsuki but the plot, ideas, OCs and text are *mine*.
Tokio Love Monogatari
Chapter 8: It�s raining men!

Don�t you have sometimes the feeling that you�re living in a movie? Like, having a deja-vu, not with a black cat, but with situations that remind you of a particular scene or even of a complete plot?
There is one day in my life that was even more than this. It was a real festival, beginning with Four Weddings and a Funeral, to end up in Pulp Fiction.
It was 7 months after my rupture with Mr. Wolfish, on a beautiful October morning like there are only in Japan, the maple leaves even redder under a sky too blue to be true. Thankfully for Hollywood�s F/X creators, Mother Nature can�t compete for the Oscars, though I wonder whether she can be bribed sometimes. The weather was so perfect for the super-production about to take place that I was suspecting Enishi to have greased her hand, though very likely it was due to my sister�s insolent luck.
Yeah, this is the Four Weddings parts. In fact, there were only two celebrated simultaneously that day, but since Misao�s I had lived in a constant Wedding Planner nightmare. This time, the Yukishiro clan was going to be enriched of two new members. Maybe more, although both Tomoe and Tami assured that they weren�t pregnant. Yeah, I had asked, and believe me, if they had been, at that moment I would have been in a plane direction the Amazonian rainforest, simple way, instead of greeting the guests in the Yukishiros� estate garden, while keeping an eye on Enishi, who was already waiting with Akira in front of the (fake) priest.
Enishi had contented himself with a warning to cut Akira�s balls in case Tomoe wasn�t bathing in felicity every single second of her life, leaving to our imagination what would happen if Akira hurt her; and though it had thrown a cold on the official engagement dinner (except for his Yakuza troops, who seem very fond of human patchwork), he had all in all accepted the situation rather well. Probably because Tami was keeping him too busy, using the oldest method of Human history. Tomoe had insinuated several times that a sex-addict clinic would be an appropriate destination for their honeymoon, but she would be fonder of my sister if she didn�t have to add an �in law� to the title when referring to her. Though Tami has no balls to be cut and that Tomoe is too polite anyway to utter the word, her discourse at the official engagement dinner had been a repeat of Enishi�s. Tami�s answer, through her own speech, had been a virtual and extremely gracious �fuck you, Nee-san�. No, Enishi didn�t react and didn�t even seem to mind, but I guess that it was due to one of my sister�s hands staying stubbornly under the table. I must say that I admire her deviousness.
You have NO idea of how much I LOVE this situation, and how I needed to love something at the time. The new dynamic of the Yukishiro family, �My way or the Highway� Tomoe against my Mary Sue sister, would be the equivalent of the Daryl Hannah against Uma Thurman�s fight in �Kill Bill�, or, to take a mythological comparison, it was Persephone against Aphrodite all over again. Seeing those two modern goddesses annihilate each other and realize that there was a limit to their respective powers, without involving any effort on my part but to watch and enjoy with eventually a bit of popcorn, gives me the reassuring feeling that there is such a thing as Justice in this world. Yeah, I�m still cheap, revengeful, childish, etc. but considering that I don�t have great sex as you�re reading those lines, I would advise you not to mention it.
I nevertheless trusted my millennium hunting instinct (the sleeping tiger can awake anytime) more than Enishi�s official harmless stance. Presently he was 1) not having sex with my sister 2) not having to restrain since Tomoe wasn�t there either 3) less than a meter away from Akira, and remembering the Himura Incident, I decided that being cautious wouldn�t be a luxury. It wasn�t easy since I had to assume two important roles, aside for greeting the guests.
By a kind of sweet karmic payback, my parents were unable to attend. Their plane had been grounded in Jakarta because of a typhoon, and their a tad hysterical reaction at the idea that they might be late at Eight Wonder�s wedding had thrown them in a local jail for longer than the storm had lasted. My brother was trying to get them out of there. He hadn�t succeeded yet in more than getting them a cell phone, and they had harassed me since the second they had it in hands, counting on me to be the commentator, in spite of the professional crew that had been hired to shoot a video. Though I had entertained the idea to do it sport�s newscaster style (�Goaaaaaaaaaal!�), I finally cut my own cell phone. It�s like the PSA against drinking and driving: you can with one glass, no more; and if I managed to survive with one stalker, I couldn�t with three.
So, I had pretty much taken over the role of Mother of the Bride, in spite of being way to young for it (don�t contradict me, I was barely 36, and unlike *some* medically informed people, I do practice what I�m not supposed to preach when it comes to contraception) which was why I had to lead the guests to their seats, in company of Enishi�s father. He was no other than Crazy Birdhouse Guy, as I had found out at the engagement party. He adored Tami, since their devotion to the animal cause was equally limitless. Under her influence, he had also become Crazy Kitten and Puppy House Guy, one for Aphrodite. But he adored Tomoe, too, and still considered her as the most beautiful creature ever, one for Persephone (and ha. I mean, the man�s glasses are so thick that he wouldn�t recognize Miss Universe from the Alien Queen. No, I�m not vexed, I�m stating a fact.). I could understand that Tomoe was counting the hours before she moved into Akira�s house, which was a bit smaller, but animal-free. Nope, the Cerberuses didn�t lose their habit to chew on her ikebana, though they had been taught to be clean�only, they stubbornly chose her vases for that purpose. I had jokingly advised Akira not to ever ask even for a goldfish as a pet, and he had answered me seriously that he was *also* allergic to fish. I was therefore sure of two things: their neighbors wouldn�t be bothered by noisy laughter, but Tomoe and Akira would bathe in eternal felicity (without plastic duck floating in the tub).
I was greeting the Opera contingent, Lassie (seems that Yahiko was too cheap or stupid to go to the hairdresser if he didn�t get free coupons), Tooth Fairy, Flannel Guy and the Mrs. Robinson Twins, when my stalker number two reminded me of her existence.
�I feel nauseous,� Megumi barked. �Do you wear that perfume again?�
If anybody knows an obscure movie called �the Replacement� (hi, fellow Keanu-addict) that was my life, lately: making up for absent relatives, and especially *parents*. To speak clearly, since her pregnancy discovery, I had been appointed as Megumi�s husband.
Nope, I didn�t take �Nine Month� as an example, because it was only 8 (and counting), to my most abyssal despair. Since prayers had done nothing, I was trying to bargain a pact with the Devil so that she would give birth like yesterday. I couldn�t care less about my soul, what I wanted to save was my sanity. She was worse than Yumi having just had bad sex: if confronted to Megumi, the Tasmanian Devil himself would have dug his way back to Down Under and stayed hidden in his hole. Tami�s Cerberuses squeaked like puppies and ran for their lives at her appearance, and we all carefully hid any sharp object, scalpels, forks, needles, toothpicks, for fear of a �hormonysterical� crisis. Unfortunately, there was no way to protect ourselves from the most dangerous sharp object, her tongue. Without cutting it, that is to say. And I do say that I was beginning to envisage the possibility (hey, I told you that I was trying to make a pact with the Devil, don�t be so surprised. You should know me by now).
I glanced at the Killer Whale (yeah, 8 months, remember?), biting my lips not to retort that if she had stayed on her chair in the front row instead of coming to pester me, she wouldn�t have been bothered by my *Dior* perfume (see? She had blasphemed first). It seems that there is a secret rule about pregnant women: they can insult you, but if you dare not to take it with an Ultra-bright smile, they break out in tears and howl to the moon about how mean and heartless you are; and of course, when you�re at a cocktail or a supermarket, everybody sides HER and looks at you as if you were the Antichrist. I know, I *am* the Antichrist, and I don�t mind about being called so, but when I *deserve* it. Considering that my life was currently more Mother Theresa-esque than what Sayo�s would ever be, I think that this time what I deserved was to be cut some slack.
First of all, everybody thought that Megumi and I had hooked up, which had reduced my sex partners down to, let�s see, no, just myself. Megumi didn�t rectify, because she said that she was through with men and couldn�t care less, and Yumi had entertained the rumor because she still didn�t have sex either (until a while ago, but I�ll talk about it later). Therefore I had ended up being rejected by all the eligible -or not- bachelors of Tokyo, who were obviously more afraid of Megumi than they wanted to fulfill their unrealistic fantasies of sex with a willing �lesbian�. The list includes Wu. Since I hit the bottom of the garbage can, I can also tell you that he *lectured* me, on being gay and willing to cheat and wanting to have sex without being married, and I didn�t know that he was boring and narrow-minded on top of being fugly. Yes, Wu-the-baboon, I had gone that low, hey, have you ever been horny or what? 8 fucking (not, *sobs*) months, and after I had had Mr.Wolfish handy for 8 others. Talking about the bast�devil (I�m an adult, and I wish him hell, I mean, well) I had had to resign myself to see the good sides of the disastrous situation. There was only one: everybody was now convinced that I had left Mr. Wolfish, and nobody knew that he had dumped me, I mean, that we had gone our separate ways. I believed that he wouldn�t have sex easily either: considering that I had preferred a woman to him, his reputation had suffered. What do you want, sometimes, you have to be philosophical. Mwahahaha.
Second, I had to support Megumi, which I had promised when she found out, on my free good will, and I should have known better. You know what they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and I was then bound to launch the Gothic spring, Vampire Beach summer, Funeral-for-Fall fashions, as well as to draw pentagrams and invoke Lucifer every night whenever I had 5 minutes for myself. I was a housewife, a nurse, a counselor, and I still had to work, well between her constant phone calls, even when I was already in conference with my sadistic boss, you see now what I meant by �stalker�? I had to go with her to the doctor, sonograms, and birth preparation classes, and I can survive through a bargain with the bitchy vultures, but obviously not to a pool full of Killer Whales. Yeah, exactly, I was the husband, and once again, without sex, since none of us happens to be an actual lesbian. If I were, by the way, I hope I had better taste.
Megumi was developing allergies and/or intolerances every two days, had morning sickness every 8 hours, and yes, she is my friend, yes, I never let my friends down, BUT there is a limit; and I�d have been damned if I had worn the only perfume that she could stand. Those of you who have guessed that it was Kamatari�s �Pet de Natto� win the big bottle that she offered me for my birthday. It�s hidden in the toilets flushing system (she found it behind the bowl during one of her afternoon sickness crises), but don�t worry, you�ll just have to open it and you�ll wish you could rest your nose in the sewers anyway.
Do I need a number three? Number three infuriates me too much and would make me want to cut my balls if I had some. But since I was talking about Kamatari, and that he had arrived just on time to avoid me yelling at Megumi and being once more the victim of the social discrimination in favor of pregnant women, I will go on with the wedding day.
Fine, I also have to thank Tooth Fairy, who looked at Megumi as if being knocked up was a kind of miracle, you know, as if not being able to use a condom isn�t within the capacities of the first moron around. Her gushing had made Dr-Takani-and-Miss-Megumi reverse to glowing happy future (soon, please, SOON) mother, and accompany the Opera People to their seats so that she could talk about her little -not, objectively- bundle of (kill)joy. Lassie followed reluctantly and I forgot my dislike of him, the poor boy and me exchanging a look of commiseration. We future fathers have to stick together.
While I was floating with the Killer Whales instead of dancing with the Wolf *sobs* it seemed that each of my friends had found their significant other in the big bargain of life. No matter that most of the S.O. in question were losers (except for Enishi, but with Tami I�m used to this kind of stunts). I was the definite leftover.
In Kamatari�s case, the romance had been as flamboyant as the clothes that he and Chou were currently wearing. The satisfaction to know that I had been right about closets and Speedy Gonzales didn�t compensate totally the fact that everybody got to have sex but me, especially considering the very smug smile of Kama-chan when one referred to Chou�s previous nickname. That drove Yumi besides herself (it definitely must have something to do with their past and the arsonist fireman); and while my friend blabbered about the last change he had made in the decoration of their *baby* (inserts gritting teeth, thank you), which was his way to call �the Blade�, I was worriedly looking over his shoulder, hoping that Yumi wouldn�t arrive immediately. Chou and Kamatari�s equally awful taste is a match made in Heaven, yet even though I wasn�t in a very cute-loving mode, I still didn�t want Yumi to send them there too soon.
Nevertheless, I wasn�t sure she would care. She also had a new lover, whom she actually called her *boyfriend*, and it had been lasting three months, her personal record. Since I had never met him, I couldn�t say if they were a match made in Heaven, but he was surely the man for her. I couldn�t describe him to you, hence, except for a part of his anatomy: �huuuge� was the only thing that she had answered to any question about him, with dreamy eyes, in the three first weeks after they became �acquaintances�, and so we nicknamed him like this. Since we had demanded pictures to prove her constant and ecstatic commentaries, I can say that if her mystery man was a clear case of over inflated ego for having already pictures of it handy, he had reasons to be. At their view, Megumi had asked if he was the result of the coupling between a woman and a bull, and since she had been very gracious in her tone, Yumi had subsequently made a comment about Sano and Megumi�s future baby (it�s a boy, by the way) being just the opposite. They didn�t talk to each other for over a month, which means that I had to get my blue helmet out of my closet. They finally reconciled for Tomoe and Tami�s bridal party, and there Yumi had stunned us by announcing that she would come with Mr. Huge to the wedding. That was a quasi-engagement, and she swore to me impatiently that no, she wasn�t pregnant.
I had been quite curious to see the face of her Superman Sex God, but at the moment I was more concerned with avoiding a public catfight, so it was with unusual and weird relief that I greeted the next guests, Cold Fish and Misao, who was in her 6th month. People seem to think that I�m a bit obsessed about pregnancies lately, but everybody or almost is indeed pregnant, so bite me.
Misao�s state didn�t affect her attitude and energy at all, and in fact it struck me that they were like Tweety and Sylvester, she babbling and jumping around and finding everything wonderful, and he constantly looking at her from the corner of his eyes, probably ready to jump on her anytime. She began an enthusiastic discussion with Kama-chan and Chou. Aoshi just looked at me for a second, before he ushered her to their seats.
I hate this guy. Cold Fish was the only one to remember or not pretending he had forgotten that Mr. Wolfish had dumped me, why he had dumped me, and also the reason number three why the situation now infuriated me so much.
Mr. Wolfish had been right. I knew it, I had to admit it, and there is NOTHING that I hate more than having to sympathize with the enemy. Cold Fish didn�t have the delicacy to let me deny that I stupidly lost an almost perfect relationship because I had surrendered to social propaganda and other biological clock myths.
Moreover, when Megumi and Misao greeted each other I could see what he thought, in his icy but smug look. His wife was better than mine. I think that at this moment, I hated him even more than I resented Saitoh.
I felt venom mounting, and that was when Kama-chan�s pointless comments about his outfit (a flashy red dress with very ample skirts falling to his knees, and a huge �I hate this word now, by the way- ball of red satin in place of a hat) took a whole new sense. He leaned into me, letting me know that he was wearing his own perfume. I was about to ask Chou if he were pregnant, to be able to stand the smell, when Kamatari whispered into my ear:
�And you see, I just have to pull this string on the dress and this one on the hat, and tada!! I have a veil and a wedding dress!!�
I stared blankly at him, while Chou puffed his chest with an idiotic smile.
�Why would you need a wedding dress?�
I know. But I was too focused on forgetting about the pestilential odor to make even the simplest brain operation.
�To get married, of course. Not the sharpest needle of the sewing set, hey.�
I shall suffer through hell and more before I will ever admit that I missed Mr. Wolfish and the way he used to tell Chou off. That made three weddings and not four so far, but if Speedy Gonzales repeated any cheesy comment about my brain capacities, there would definitely be a funeral.
�Chou-babe!! Be nice, will you!�
I was also definitely developing some intolerance for the B-word, it made me nauseous. If I hadn�t unfortunately known better, I would have wondered if I weren�t pregnant.
I was trying to recover from my surprise and I managed to congratulate discreetly but sincerely my friend. He had wanted to find someone for so long, and I know that he had been afraid that it would never happen. Yes, that also meant that there would be no more Depressive Sundays ever: call me selfish and bite me. I hugged him, and he explained me that Chou had proposed him to fly to Boston and to get married there the previous night, when Kama-chan had expressed his regrets that he would never have a wedding. They had tickets ready for later that day.
�We�ll get the Blade aboard the plane, and then we�ll have a honeymoon, on the roads across the States,� Kama-chan said, ecstatic, before his expression shifted to unsure, and he added: �I wanted to share the news with everybody, and I thought of doing so just after the ceremony, do you think that it will bother Tomoe or your sister?�
Evil satisfaction filled me. Tomoe wouldn�t *really* bother, she did like Kama-chan a lot, and my sister had stolen half of her thunder already�as for Mogwai, she would be probably too busy talking dirty into Enishi�s ear during the ceremony to care; and I could hence have the personal pleasure to see her thunder stolen, too. Yes, I�m an evil Mother of the Bride. *you know what to do, don�t you?*
I reassured him, and was still smiling devilishly when they finally went to sit with the other guests. It was only to realize that I would never have to wait very long for karmic payback in my life. I must be on top of Buddha�s list or something.
My stalker number three had appeared at the gate. No, it wasn�t Mr. Wolfish, begging me to take him back, like I fantasized every time that my phone rang, and I�d die before I admit that he wouldn�t have to stalk me for very long either. The new guest was my boss, you know, the agoraphobic holding owner, Hiko Seijuro, alias Botox Face, the greatest egotist to have ever walked the surface of the earth...
Wondering what the hell he could be doing here, the awful truth stuck me. My tiny hope that he had come specially to bother me with work died when Yumi appeared behind him.
Don�t get me wrong, I had always known that I was working for a first-class, giant dick. I had just never imagined my opinion to be *that* accurate.
�Takagi, congratulations,� he greeted me. �You look so young for a mother of the bride, maybe I should ask you from where you get your Botox? That could be of use��
I gave a dirty look to Yumi. She had told him how I nicknamed him. I wonder what other things she had spilled, and by his sadistic expression, the word �everything� came to my mind. This is why you should *never* badmouth your friends� significant others. I wish I had had a chance to know that I was breaking the golden rule, and I wanted to have a little discussion with Yumi about it.
I knew how to get rid of Mr.Huge Botox Face, and after giving him my most social and hypocritical laugh, I indicated the bar to him.
�See you in a second, my little sake jug,� he said to Yumi with an Ultra-bright smile. She giggled. Argh, I was nauseous again. If I hadn�t been sure to be a born again Virgin, I would have thought that I was pregnant.
Immediately, Megumi walked towards him. Tom had been most impatient to meet Jerry�s boyfriend, and my hope that he would get the Killer Whale�s tongue bites died when I saw the smile. Exactly what was needed to deal with her hormonal unbalance, and after a few seconds they were obviously going to get along. Probably they would coordinate their efforts to ruin my life.
�You should have told me,� I hissed to Yumi.
�Isn�t he so great?� she sighed dreamily, ignoring me completely, before hissing back: �Why did you never introduce him to me?�
�I had seen a picture of his face, not of his penis, how could I know that he was your type?� I snarled.
�Too bad for you, he almost looks as good on photos as in real,� the Schizophrenic Lover answered with a heavenly smile.
Megumi had told me once that Yumi was a Worshipper. I had never seen her in love, but now I understood that she had been right. Yumi was the kind who created a little cult around her man, who was gratified of the title of God, but it was not to spread the love. As the high priestess, she would not allow any other worshippers and less other candidates for carrying out the rituals. She was already glancing without amenity at any woman in the crowd that had the bad idea to throw a rapid or not look at him.
�You did it on purpose. He�s agoraphobic, so you must have broken into his house��
�AgoraPHOBIC?� she snarled in the same way that she had after her sex with Chou. �Hiko-sama is afraid of NOTHING!!!�
I was about to run for cover, when she laughed happily. Definitely, schizophrenia was in the air. I was sure now that she was pregnant. That or she had turned into a Gremlin. My life was a horror movie.
�Agoraphobic, you�re so funny. Hiko-sama simply considers that most people and places don�t deserve his presence (note: meaning, not me or the magazine, thank you, Dickhead), so he goes out only to the Ultimate. That�s where I met him�I was so desperate and complaining about not finding anybody to have sex with, and he gentlemanly proposed to provide�� she finished on a throaty laugh.
I learnt later that Hiko�s catching argument had been that sex with him would make up for her almost one year of celibate. His ego was even bigger than his dick. Of course, none of us believes Yumi when she assures that he was right.
But at the time I wasn�t in the mood to find her stories funny or interesting. All the guests had arrived and alerting Tomoe and Tami that they could make their entrance allowed me to escape more gushing about Mr. Huge and more attacks of the Killer Whale.
***
The ceremony began exactly as I had thought: in a complete cacophony.
Tomoe wore a traditional white kimono and had traditional players of shamisen and gongs for the musical ambiance; and because Wu had mysteriously disappeared I had had to replace again somebody that day, and to carry the traditional red umbrella to �protect her precious self from the sun� (dixit Akira, and he could have done it himself, the lazy moron. I will be sure to let it slip into Enishi�s ear, as soon as my sister leaves me one). Tami was in a sexy silk dress that looked more like a nightgown, albeit half-hidden in a long chiffon veil, and she had asked Celine Houston-Carey, the famous diva and one of her best friends (who was right about her evilness? Mmm?) to sing romantic modern songs for her. It happened that the shamisen players were yakuza and nationalists and didn�t want to be outperformed by a Yankee (even though I pointed desperately the maple trees to them, to signify that she was *Canadian*) and the musical concert had turned into a vicious competition. I looked hopefully at Megumi�s belly, thinking that it would trigger the birth, before doom filled me again. Who would want to leave a comfortable womb to hear a shrieking shrew screaming �Myyy heaaaaaaaaaart wiiiiiill alwayyyyyys looooooove youuuuuuuu honeyyyy� and traditional Japanese songs played with such strength that they sounded like a remix of Wagner�s Walkyries� March? The morons had scared the kid away. What did I do to deserve this, honestly?
As I had imagined, the respective couples had eyes only for each other. Enishi reminded reality only to promise the destiny of shark bait to the absent Wu, the traitor menacing Tomoe�s happiness and perfect wedding. I must admit that I entertained the hope that he would do the same to the �diva�, since she ruined Tomoe�s music (it�s this kind of thought that dooms me karmatically speaking, isn�t it?). But no, he forgot everything because my sister had reacted enthusiastically at his proclamation, since cute sharks didn�t have human meat that often and that would be good for their diet. I told you that she is a nutjob. Tomoe actually snorted at the look that Enishi gave to Mogwai for her understanding, before Akira pressed her hand to comfort her and she gave him the same exact one. Maalox, anyone?
Yes, the rest of the ceremony was beautiful; yes the exchanges of vows and all were romantic. Yes I forgot my bitchiness as long as the diva shut her big mouth (I even shed a tear of emotion, it was my best friend and my sister, OK?). It renewed as soon as she began to sing the hymn at the end, and while NOT regretting Saitoh�s presence and the way he could have used a hammer to make her shut up, I gave a look to Kama-chan. He stood up and triggered his MacGyver wedding dress, while Akira gave a chaste kiss to Tomoe and Enishi a quasi X-rated one to Tami.
It seems that Kama-chan is just after me on Buddha�s list for karmic payback: he had his thunder stealing stolen unexpectedly. Just as he was about to talk and that all the eyes (bar two pairs, and you can guess whose) were fixed on him, a familiar voice yelled:
�Megumi!!!!!!!!�
A tornado of white and red ran down the aisle, and no, it wasn�t the Tasmanian Devil rolled into a Japanese flag, but the father of my wife�s baby who was finally standing in front of us. Aliens could have landed in the garden that none of us would have paid the least attention to them. No, not even Sano, but he had a good reason: he had left a fox almost 9 months ago, and she had turned into a whale. I think that he could be given some time to get used to the change.
And then he had to get used to the fact that she was a *Killer* Whale, but I guess that the frequentation of alligators in the Amazon had given him a good practice, because they began to bicker and he was giving as good as he got. I will spare you the details, it was on the old �why didn�t you tell me?�, �you left me so stay gone�, �yes I should have� �I hate you� �I hate you but I love you too� etc�tune. Usually, you have the Chicken dance at the end of a wedding banquet: hence we were simply going on with our unconventional tradition tendency by having the Rabbits dance before the banquet instead.
Finally, short of arguments, Megumi looked around for the responsible for Sano being back, in the obvious intention to turn her wrath on her/him.
�Not me,� I protested, as Megumi had said that she would kill us if we tried to contact him, and I remind you here that her hormones made her completely able to execute her threat.
We all noticed a little whistling, turned towards the origin�and Mr.Huge was looking at his nails with a satisfied smile. Yumi swooned and jumped on him with admiration, then she murmured gloatingly to me �you see that he is afraid of nothing�, and eventually Jerry spoke to Tom:
�Come on, Megumi, you said enough that you missed him and wished he were back.�
No, you missed nothing. I didn�t know it either. I was cuckolded, just great.
�What are you going to do otherwise?� she went on, laughing. �Marry Tokio?�
No please no.
Megumi stared at her, then at me, and then at Sano, and I thought that she was going to smile, but eventually she made such a deep frown that I feared the worst.
Then we heard a watery noise and that�s when hell broke lose.
***
The entire wedding rushed to the hospital. Tomoe and Yumi for the same reason as me: to support Megumi, Akira and Mr.Huge tagging along; Aoshi because Misao wanted to support Megumi too, Tami because she always has to be where things happens in case she can steal everybody�s thunder, Enishi because he was sexually addicted to her, Kama-chan and Chou because the former wanted absolutely to make their announcement, the Yakuza because they follow Enishi and Tomoe everywhere and the Cerberuses because they were Yakuza bodyguards to Tami; the Opera contingent because the situation pleased those drama-queens and that Tsubame wanted an autograph from Celine Houston-Carey; and a bunch of cops because none of us had respected the most elementary circulation rules in the panic.
We thought that we wouldn�t get rid of the cops, who blocked us on the hospital�s parking lot, in spite of Aoshi spilling his lawyer�s knowledge. Probably it was to impress a starry-eyed Misao and why did he care? She was his wife already, what an egotist. Nevertheless, the sudden and not discreet at all arrival of Asakusa Shogo�s (Sayo�s brother) gang had the Donuts unit leave as fast as Coyote falls down the cliff after his plans fail. They didn�t want to be the peanut butter between two slices of Yakuza bread.
I think I told you that Shogo isn�t the sharpest blade of the dojo, and therefore he�s a �pull the trigger first, think afterwards (if you can)� kind of strategist. His troops fired a salve of bullets, and obviously it wasn�t a traditional yakuza way to congratulate Enishi for his wedding, you know, throwing iron instead of rice. We all came out of it safe (nope, his troops aren�t the finest either)�except for the Blade, which took a naughty one in its front lights. Kama-chan yelped with indignation, and Chou got berserk.
�Now it�s war!!!!!!� he screamed, and he jumped on the closest enemies with a whip (I don�t know and I don�t want to know why they had one in the car packed for their honeymoon).
�Yeah, go Broomhead!� Misao cheered up savagely. Tweety-Pie was obviously high on adrenaline. Hormones are so evil.
It seemed that the situation was going to degenerate seriously into a Battle Royale, and I was already mourning the guests� Designers clothes that would fall victim of the confrontation, when Megumi yelled:
�I�m trying to have a baby here, imbeciles! Now stop it, or I�ll finish your lobotomies without anesthesia�Sano! Where is my scalpel???�
The Killer Whale had everybody stilling, and Enishi took advantage of the enemy�s stupor to lead quickly our little troop inside the hospital. I was holding Megumi�s left hand and Sano the right one. He was also dragging the priest: he and Megumi had argued immediately after her waters broke about getting married or not, and he had taken the necessary tool with him in case he won the dispute. The issue seemed nevertheless forgotten for now.
�That�s my girl!� he said, proudly.
�Sano�� she smiled *sweetly*, before she screamed to the left behind: �And don�t ruin my hospital or you�ll get a brain liposuction!�
That was not needed. Hospitals are for Yakuza the equivalent of sacred places for Immortals: no duels allowed. In this case, they just don�t use guns inside the building. That didn�t prevent Dull Blade and his Bullet Wasters from following us into the hospital with the blatant intention to change sports and have a boxing session. We separated ways to lose them in the White Creepy Labyrinth on our way to the maternity service situated on the West side of the hospital. No, I don�t like hospitals, all this white stresses me�it�s like a giant subliminal advertisement for Heaven, not what you want to think about when you�re ill, if you know what I mean.
I missed the beginning of the Yakuza verbal confrontation, since I was in the labor room with Megumi and Sano. I was no husband anymore, especially since the fake priest had just declared them husband and wife (compromise: they did get married but it wasn�t legal), but Megumi had asserted that I would be the kids� godmother so I had to be there. Moreover she was gripping my hand when we executed our goose fly strategy and I had had to follow her and Sano.
Aside from looking for original names like Usagiko, Kitsutori, Kujirato or more simply Belzebuth or Satan (Keanu had been my first choice but Megumi had used her one veto on it and I wanted her to regret it dearly), I had thought that I could enjoy the view of my social skill-challenged surgeon friend finding herself at the other end of the scalpel. After a few minutes, I realized that Megumi was the kind of person, like Aoshi or Saitoh just to name the most exasperating ones, who never gets a karmic payback. She was bossing the place like a Fox would boss a farmyard; and the nurse chicks were leaving a few feathers in the process, believe you me. The Rooster was obviously happy with his role of consort. He would have almost cheered her up, and if not for the fact that Megumi�s kung-fu was only verbal, he reminded me of Mel Gibson applauding his crazy cop girlfriend in Lethal Weapon 3.
Voices shouting in the maternity�s large lobby told me that the Sharks and the Tigers had arrived, and I left Megumi and Sano to their special moment to have a look at the situation.
Shogo�s troops were blocking the exit, but I noticed that they were less numerous than before: our team had scored well on the way, with sacrifices in the process, as in any good adventure movie. I learnt later that Hijikata, after years of organizing ballets, was a master at strategy. With the help of the Robinson Twins and the collaboration of the bored lab team, he had managed to attract some of the goons in the radiography unit, where they were currently getting their butts arranged baboon style for a very special kind of exam.
Talking about Goonies, Lassie had run in circles in the corridors, searching for his dear mistress: Tooth Fairy, in panic and probably led by pure instinct, had hidden into a closet of the dentistry department. Thus Yahiko and his pursuers had been caught by the Men in White and were currently gotten rid of some cavities and other alien stuff menacing the good order of their ingestion system.
Yumi had locked Celine Houston-Carey and another group of Shogo�s men in the cafeteria. It was truly cruel, the guys had already fingers missing and she would cause them to lose their eardrums; but all is fair in love and war, and my friend had made it safe to the lobby with her own group: Mr.Huge plus his wine recuperated at the cafeteria (talking about instinct�), Kama-chan (who had asphyxiated 10 guys with one sample of �Pet de Natto�, and thankfully nobody reported to the Geneva Convention observers) and Chou. The Married Party, as I could call the six others, had arrived without any problem since the Cerberuses had cleared their way. Thank you, Tami Sue.
When I arrived in the lobby, it was like at the beginning of a fight in Rocky IV, with the (Eye of the) Tiger confronting the Dull Mass of Muscles. Enishi and Shogo were out of cover in the middle of the deserted ring. Tami had her veil on and was knelt next to her husband, petting the Cerberuses and not him for once. I got there just in time to see Akira pushing Tomoe into the large supply closet that the nurses interrupted in their refilling task had abandoned, and closing the door on the two of them. This time at least he thought about �protecting her precious self�, I sighed inwardly. Chou and Kamatari were in ambush behind a supplies� rolling tray, like Enishi�s bodyguards. The nurses who didn�t assist Megumi had flown the place, abandoning several of those big chariots. Finishing my looking around, I noticed finally Misao in the refresh corner. She was not looking happy for once, and Aoshi was locking the glass door of the said refresh corner, while talking on the phone. I understood why he didn�t want his 6 months pregnant wife to enter a scuffle with Yakuza, and that knowing Misao he had used the only way to avoid that, but the imbecile was having a phone conversation right in the middle of the abovementioned future scuffle. He wasn�t calling the cops, of course, so one was authorized to think that it was inappropriate, and just another show-off of his so-called admirable self-control.
I reported my attention on what the Bosses were saying, and I finally understood that Sayo had disappeared and that Enishi had been found guilty of it. His limo had taken her away, so it had to be him. A vague idea rising in my brain was sent back in the limbos, because I had a kind of stroke when Shogo addressed my sister:
�Sayo, dear sister, why do you stay with him�Did he drug you?�
Again, you can argue all you want that Sayo is also a Mary Sue. I�m sorry, my sister is evil and whatever, but she isn�t pathetic or dull, and anyway she is MY sister and nobody can insult her but me.
I seized the closest throw-able object next to me, a metal �relief basin�, and I sent it in a graceful move on the offender�s head, while ordering dryly:
�Sweetie, Sugar, get me this loser�s butt!�
I had never been able to be obeyed by the Evil Beasts when they were chewing on my Lagerfeld sofa, but it was obviously another kind of deal if I appealed to their Basic Instincts. And Shogo didn�t have taste enough to wear brand clothes, which erased the only regret that I could have had.
Kamatari�s vengeful scream followed the vicious barking of the Cerberuses, and I had barely the time to witness the beginning of the fight: Sano materialized next to me, making his knuckles crack.
�Take care of Megumi,� he said to me with a wink, before running and punching right and left into the Mortal Kombat crowd.
I went back to the labor room, then, thinking to find the Fox in bossy mode, and I forgot the battle when I realized that she looked rather pale and not as confident as before.
�Is Sano having fun?� she asked, without snapping as she had for months.
�Yes�I�m surprised that you let him.�
Megumi repairs people and thus she is usually not too fond of any process aiming at breaking them.
�He didn�t have an interesting fight for months, he said, so well,� she shrugged, and she smiled. Then she grimaced.
�You�re ok?� I went to sit next to her.
I had meant physically, but she blurted out, with a wan grin:
�Honestly? I�m scared. Not that it�s anything new. I�ve been afraid for months.�
I should have realized, silly me. She should have told me, silly her.
�I�d rather that he doesn�t see me like this,� she added, with some exasperated kindness. �Everybody thinks I�m so strong, he first, and if I weren�t he would be feeling even guiltier for what is both our faults.�
�You�ll be a terrific mother.�
�I have to get the boy out of me first.�
�You managed to get him in naturally, so there is for sure a way out,� I smiled back.
There is that strange stuff with some people in your life. You can not understand each other for months. You can think that you can�t bear each other anymore and that nothing will ever make you forget about the riff. You can bicker and you can complain. Yet it only takes a little moment, and all this is forgiven. You�re on the same side again, and closer than ever. I guess that�s why you call those people your friends.
***
I can only report pieces of the fight in the West Side Lobby, since I missed it and that nobody has a complete recollection of it, except for Aoshi, but of course he refuses to talk about it. God forbids that he uses his precious saliva in order to make people laugh. Bite him, thanks.
It�s weird that I can remember so well the scene after I came back to the battlefield, since I was in a state. The first thing that I saw was Misao out of her refresh corner and throwing syringes, like ninja did with kunai, and if I had been able to think I would have feared that we had been greatly outnumbered. Yet, Sano blocked the view since he had rushed in front of me.
�Is he born? Is she OK? Is he OK?�
I nodded, and he did the tornado stuff again to go to Megumi�s bedside.
Then I realized that the fight was just over, and this was why Misao had been let out. She told me later that Aoshi had passed the weapons to her so that she could have a moment of fun just at the end. I spare you the gushing about Aoshi�s sweetness.
And then I saw Mr.Wolfish, standing in the middle of the lobby, like a referee between the two Captains after the match: Enishi with his hair barely ruffled, (and I�m not sure that it wasn�t Tami�s doing, she was suspended to his arm again) and Shogo with his butt badly bitten. Hiko was standing near a pile of Yakuza with one foot on top of them, taking the pose while Yumi was drooling over him.
�Marry me,� she sighed, admiringly.
�Why not,� he answered with a teeth-shining smile.
Kama-chan and Chou were OK, too, and unharmed, including the wedding dress, but I guess that the smell of my friend�s perfume had deterred the enemies to try any corps-a-corps.
Saitoh dropped a paper note to Dull Blade, who blinked.
�You can read, at least?� he asked, and I realized how I had missed his voice and his insufferable attitude.
Shogo nodded. �But, Mr.Wolf, Yukishiro is still responsible��
So that�s why Saitoh had smirked when I had told him about my nickname for him. Not to be picky, but mine sounds better. Smoother...sigh. Anyway, I�m just saying.
�You should have asked him before you attacked,� Mr.Wolfish said severely, and I almost expected him to show a red card to the reluctant Captain.
�I�ll help you to search for her, Asakusa,� Enishi said. �I have a word to say to Wu.�
Ah, my previous idea lurked out of the limbos and lit my empty and shocked brain. Wu had disappeared too. He had kidnapped Sayo, but why?
�Well, yes, Yukishiro, because looking for Romeo and Juliet isn�t the kind of job that I accept,� my ex let out, disdainful. Argh. He was sexy as hell when he was arrogant, I had almost forgotten about it.
Just wait a second.
Wu and Sayo???
Ha. The victim was surely not whom they thought. I understood now why the Simian Dwarf had lectured me. I should have known that it was her work. Later, I could read the note, and Sayo said that she had fallen for Wu when he had saved her from the view of depravation. Probably she had run into him after our infamous dinner. She had gotten with Wu as soon as it had been over between her and Enishi, and she said in the note that he was a decent man wanting to redeem. They had eloped and were going far, far away from the yakuza�s corruption to achieve the goal.
Parenthesis: My money is on the Amazonian rainforest. It seems that everybody deplorably lacks originality and follows the trend. Yuck. (Note for later: finding more original than this, the Bermuda Triangle or Timbuctu if I ever have to disappear.) End of parenthesis.
If the idea of the couple itself hadn�t been so icky, I think that I would have approved of her for finally practicing what she preached.
�So, Mr.Wolf, what do we do about here?� Chou asked. �I have a plane to board tonight.�
�You clean, moron. You can even use the broom that you have on top of your head for this.�
My hero, telling Chou off and avenging me (I don�t care that he wasn�t aware of it).
Saitoh began to give other directions, and I finally got to know what the goddamn work was. I wish I had been able of more enthusiasm to appreciate the moment at its worth. Mr.Wolfish was a specialist at solving Yakuza�s logistic problems. He didn�t work for anybody in particular, following his own code and protecting the underworld like a kind of bearer of the spirit, although he obviously didn�t come cheap. And well, yes, I can bow to Aoshi for once because that was to him that he had phoned.
�I called more men to help,� Enishi announced.
Saitoh grinned and lit a cigarette. Respecting the non-smoking signs apparently isn�t written in his own code. �Of course, you wouldn�t fix your mess yourself.�
�What do you mean?� Enishi warned, deadly.
Now, I know that their spats are famous. Enishi has to respect Saitoh and vice versa for questions of etiquette (yakuza tradition oblige), but they are not afraid of each other. Hiko wasn�t either, and his big ego or dick (but isn�t that the same for men?) were probably other factors which pushed him to meddle. His intent at �godly mediation� (his terms, not mine, ha) backfired and I thought that we were going to live another major fight, when a long scream resounded in a lobby filled only by the three men�s deadly glares. Which in case you didn�t visualize means very, very, very loudly.
Two minutes of wondering where that came from (since Megumi was done), and finally Akira and Tomoe got out of the closet.
It seemed that my best friend had just had her first (*0*)/.
We went from cholera to plague. If I had had a stroke when Shogo had confused Tami with Sayo, it was nothing in comparison of what Enishi was having. I can�t imagine anything more traumatizing for him than being confronted to the fact that his Nee-san does have sex. He had disintegrated, and Saitoh reached for a syringe full of anesthetics in order to calm the rhino fit of rage that would animate the Tiger as soon as his brain would function again.
That was counting without Tami Sue, who wasn�t envisaging the possibility that she couldn�t have the sex boldness advantage over Tomoe anymore, and it didn�t take her one minute to attract Enishi into another closet with the Cerberuses guarding the door.
Everybody pretty much dispersed from that moment on, the Yakuza troops cleaning rather fast courtesy of Mr.Wolfish�s eyes on them for 99% percents and of a plane to board for the 1% left. The friends went to see the baby, and then they went to the banquet, and then the yakuza went to the banquet too, and I stayed all the time alone in front of the labor room, my brain still numb, trying not to rehash what had happened.
�So, you started this.�
Mr.Wolfish�s voice startled me. Horny Fish had rated on me, again.
�Oh, you�re going to punish me, too?�
As if leaving me hadn�t been enough. He didn�t answer at first, taking a drag of his 101st cigarette, and he took a good look at my face, then at the labor room�s door behind me. He finally had one of those grins with wickedly twinkling eyes that I wouldn�t have minded to have at my menu for the rest of my life. As he looked at me again, I began to understand that he wouldn�t mind either.
�It depends. You still want children?�
The answer was a primal scream from the guts.
�I will NEVER go through this!�
I will spare you the details. Just know that you don�t want to know.
He got a bit cautious again. �You still want to get married, though.�
I waited for the primal cry from my heart; after all, I had just realized again that I wanted to spend my life with this guy. Of course, after my conjugal experiment with Megumi, I had sworn off marriage forever. But Mr.Wolfish wasn�t a Killer Whale and wouldn�t stalk me or have morning sickness. In summary, I wasn�t sure. And suddenly I thought:
Aoshi and Misao.
Tomoe and Akira.
Enishi and Tami.
Chou and Kamatari (question of hours).
Sano and Megumi (legality is a detail).
Yumi and Hiko (she had proposed, he had accepted, enough said).
Even Wu and Sayo (knowing her it was a done deal).
Everybody had gotten or was getting married.
�No,� I answered firmly. �It�s out of question. No way that we ever tie the knot, unless they all divorce first.�
I was 100% sure of myself. There is something that I *never* do, and it�s following a trend. You can call me the Antichrist, but don�t say that I lack originality.
To be continued�
Author�s notes:
I�ve wanted to write a Hiko/Yumi pairing for a LONG TIME. I regret that it�s quite impossible to write a �serious� pairing of these two in the manga timeline (because of self-combustion and Yumi�s unconditional love for Shishio). I might try one day in an AU...and I have another little one-shot idea about them (^-^). Edit: I finally wrote a one-shot with Hiko/Yumi, �Worlds Apart�.
Wu and Sayo�I�m pure evil, it was just too funny to imagine them as Romeo and Juliet. Be thankful, it could have been Kaoru. Mwahaha.
I advanced a bit the momoji in Tokyo, usually it�s more November than October, but it depends on the years.
Pet de Natto: Natto�s fart, in French. Poetry�s friends, good evening! LOL
In Japan, the equivalent of godmother/father is �natsukeoya�, literally �parent who gives the name�. Hence, traditionally they choose the name (like it happened for Tsutomu, Saitoh�s first son, example at random, LOL). Bitchy imaginary babies� names: Usagiko: Rabbit girl or Bunny girl (gender inversion is on purpose here). Kitsutori: contraction of Kitsune (Fox) and Niwatori (Rooster). Kujirato: Whaleboy (whale person: contraction of kujira+hito).
Posing as a priest for marriage ceremonies in Japan is a part-time job that any foreigner can do. Only 1% of the Japanese are Christians, but many insensible brides (pleonasm) want their wedding to look like in Hollywood movies and they rent the services of a fake priest.
As for Saitoh�s job, think Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction. (^-^)
I *like* Keanu Reeves, meaning: I think that he�s the sexiest thing on earth, a good actor and I�ve seen all his movies (except �A Walk into the Clouds� and �Sweet November�, even he can�t make me endure sappy horrors). Yeah, I do. So bite me, LOL.
Next chapter: The Edge of Reason: A small epilogue (^-^).
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Tokio Love Monogatari