Something In-Between

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation nor do I make any money from using the characters.

NC-17

If you have time, please review. Thank you!!


Note: As always this story could not happen without Ashcat and Kri, thanks to both of you for keeping me and the characters (somewhat) in line.

Something In-Between


Chapter 8
Taste the Pain


Busted in two
Like a brittle stick
I can not drink
Because my throat constricts
Lovesick from you
That will never do
Open my mouth
I couldn’t make a sound
I could not scream
I could not shout
It out to you
Nothing to do

Walk away and taste the pain
Come again some other day
Aren’t you glad you weren’t afraid
Funny how the price gets paid


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Two hours after my visit from Tohma, I was pacing a hole through the floor of Kyo’s flat when there was an insistent knock at the front door. I raced down the stairs and threw the door open to see Kyo’s neighbor, the big guy, Tony. He had one arm around Eiri’s waist while his other hand held Eiri’s arm around his neck, keeping my lover upright and somewhat on his feet.

Eiri raised his head slowly. I noticed that his eyes were fully dilated as they bored into mine, “It’s you… Good. We need to talk.”

“What the hell is going on?” I shouted at Tony, who moved passed me with Eiri’s pliant body, dragging my lover up the stairs.

The big man threw Eiri on the couch and turned to me, “Inoue-san said to bring this man to you. That you would know what to do.”

I looked over at Eiri’s prone form. I could see that his wrists were bloody and that his lip was split. I felt the anger surging in me as I spat, “What did you guys to do him?”

Tony shrugged, “Not much, really. But he’s… vulnerable. So, if you wish to ask him any questions, now would be the time.”

“You drugged him?” I shook my head in horror.

He shrugged again, “Sodium pentothal. A low dose. It should wear off in about an hour.”

“Sodium p…” I glared up at Tony, “Truth serum?”

What the hell was wrong with Kyo? I clenched my fists. Why would he do this? Kyo and I were not even together—we were never together—so why?

“I’ll be leaving now. Inoue-san said to tell you that he and Nakano-san will be returning tomorrow. You will have the flat to yourselves.”

I watched him leave, descending the stairs with surprising cat-like grace.

Moving to the couch, I hesitantly touched Eiri’s sun-colored hair, as I asked, “Are you okay, Eiri?”

His hand moved to clutch mine, and his golden eyes opened, “Shuichi… ”

My name from his lips sounded so beautiful. He was so beautiful. I had almost forgotten how much. “Eiri,” I tried again, “are you okay?”

He blinked at me slowly, like neko-Yuki, and nodded, “Yes, a little fuzzy, but I’m okay. You changed your hair again. Good. Pink suits you.”

“They didn’t…” I wondered what to ask. Kyo was demented and twisted, but I didn’t think he would do anything too horrible. I looked closely at Eiri’s face and his clothes, everything seemed to be intact, “Are you hurt anywhere else?”

Eiri closed his eyes and smiled, “No, just what you see. Your other boyfriends just wanted to have a little discussion with me. They wanted to let me know that they didn’t think I was treating you right. They wanted to know if I had raped you. They wanted to send me to you like this, so I would tell you anything you wanted to know.”

I let the barrage of words flow over me as I tried to grasp the situation. Eiri was totally fucked up. I had seen him in a somewhat similar condition before, and I was sure I could ask him anything right now. Was that what I wanted? Did I want to get information from Eiri when he was so vulnerable? It seemed like a cheap and underhanded way to go about it.

But then again, Eiri was never very forthcoming with his emotions or feelings. It just wasn’t in his nature to be so. Maybe I could ask him things while he was in this condition that I could never ask him otherwise? Well, to amend that, I could ask him but I rarely got answers from him to such questions. Even though he was drugged, Eiri’s willpower would probably hold. He was a remarkably stubborn individual. And yet, I could not help thinking that I had a golden opportunity here to find out information that I’d normally not have a sliver of hope of getting.

Tony had said an hour.

“Go ahead, what are you waiting for?” he blinked slowly at me again before his eyes slid closed. “I can see that you want to ask me some questions. It’s okay. Now’s your chance.”

I looked at him closely as I thought very carefully about this. Really, the damage was done already. Other than the split lip and the scraped wrists, Eiri didn’t seem to have any other injuries. Truth be told, I had done worse physical harm to him in the past while we were having sex. Of course, that was consensual, but still…

“Do you love me?” I blurted out.

He smiled, “That was predictable and unoriginal. And yes, I love you.”

I blinked at him, surprised by both his smile and his quick answer. That had been way too easy.

“Why did you hurt me before I left for London?”

He opened his golden eyes, they were full of pain, “I was… jealous of Inoue. Couldn’t stand the thought that he had touched you. That he had…tainted you,” his hands balled into tight fists. “That you let him sully you. Did you really… have sex with him because you were mad at me?”

“How did you… I see. So, Kyo told you, huh?” I sighed, “Yeah, the whole thing is still rather sickening to me as well. That was horrible of me, Eiri.”

“Yes, it was. It hurt me. Worse than anything you have ever done to me. I thought that if I… you know, if I… did what I did…” Even as totally fucked up as he was, he was struggling to articulate his feelings. He had to pry every word free from his mouth, “What I was thinking, it was stupid. I thought if I could have you, reclaim you, by doing that I could somehow erase the fact that you and Inoue had… I thought it would make you mine again. But you fought me, and I still tried… I was desperate to possess you, make you mine again. Only mine. It doesn’t make any sense and of all things, for me to do that to you… I was afraid when I sent you that email, I was worried that you would reject me because you had every reason to. Even now, I don’t know how you can stand to look at me.”

This was hard for me to listen to. It was hard to hear how badly I had hurt him that day by having sex with Kyo. Hard to hear how my actions had made Eiri lose control and turned him into a monster. Hard to listen to how much he regretted his actions and the overwhelming self-loathing he now had for himself. But I needed it to hear it. We needed to hear it. We needed this reality check. Besides, we couldn’t ignore the fact that there was even more to this terrible story.

“Eiri,” I finally whispered, tears gathering in my eyes, “I really don’t know what to say except that I thought you didn’t care about me anymore. I thought you were leaving me again. I just wanted to feel something, anything other than the pain of you leaving. I know it sounds lame, but I really wasn’t in my right mind. I didn’t even really think about it until it was over… And then I panicked.”

He nodded with a small smile, “Inoue told me. Did you really hit him?”

“I did. That was horrible of me, too. He had just saved me from…” I trailed off realizing what I had almost said, but Eiri picked up the thread.

“He had just saved you from me trying to run you down with my car,” he sighed as the pain in his eyes was joined with regret. “And that was vile of me. Inoue made me so angry that day and I thought you and he were… I thought you were… I guess I don’t know what I was thinking. It’s hard for me to even imagine it now. It was as if I was truly blind with jealousy. I couldn’t control my anger and I almost hurt you, maybe almost killed you that day. I’m sorry, Shuichi.”

My name again, catching my breath, I had to quietly remind myself that Eiri was in a drug induced state, he was not normal. These apologies he lavished on me were probably meaningless, hollow words, meant to be conveniently forgotten in the morning.

Right?

Even so, I inhaled and took the plunge, “Have you been screwing around on me?”

He shook his head, “I haven’t touched anyone but you in five years.”

“Five years? You’re lying!” I screamed at him as I jumped to my feet.

“No,” he was still smiling and it was starting to creep me out a bit. “I knew you wouldn’t believe me. For the three years we were together and the two years since. Only you.”

“Eiri,” I said in frustration, “we were together for over three and a half years.”

He nodded and sighed again, “Yes, but the first six months or so that we were together, I wasn’t very good, remember? You were the one that demanded I stop seeing other people, which is probably the reason you haven’t trusted me since. How much longer will you hold that time of our relationship against me?

“But…” Five years? Could I believe him? Was it true?

“You’ve always expected me to believe everything you told me. However, you never believed anything I told you in return. You are very selfish. But I love you in spite of that. Maybe because of that.”

He was right. Since those very early days of finding the long hair and lipstick marks, of catching the faint scent of perfume and sex in the bedroom, I never believed him. Those early days had left a wound in my heart that had never fully healed—a lingering, bitter fear that I wasn’t enough for him and could never be enough for him. All along, I had continued to suspect him of cheating on me. I had just assumed that he would not change. I had never given him a chance, never given him the benefit of the doubt.

“But,” I was beginning to hyperventilate, “Yokohama. I saw you with my own two eyes,”

“You idiot,” he snarled softly at me as his eyes closed again. “That was Tatsuha. You couldn’t tell us apart? Or were you just so ready to believe me capable of cheating on you that you didn’t bother to take a good look? You really are pathetic.”

“Tatsuha?” I said with rising horror, “That was Tatsuha?”

“Yes, you moron,” he smiled again. “Mika’s got him now. And the cat. They are making his life hell, I bet. Serves him right.”

I could barely form words as I stood, “I’ll be right back.”

He grabbed my wrist, “Where are you going?”

“To the bathroom. I need to get first aid supplies for you,” I managed to choke out.

He nodded, “But don’t go far, okay?”

“Okay,” I agreed as I moved towards the hallway. I felt so dizzy that, when I got out of Eiri’s line of sight, I had to hang onto the walls as I made my way to the bathroom in order to stay upright. Once I reached my destination, I gathered up gauze and disinfectant cream in a daze. Of all the scenarios I had imagined while I waited for news of Eiri, this was not one of them. I found that I couldn’t bring myself to ask him anything else. It felt too much like a violation of trust at this point. Not to mention that I was afraid I would find out even more horrible stuff that I’d been the root cause of.

As I cleaned and wrapped his wrists gently, I remembered, with fondness, another time not too long ago when I did this. But that time had been for fun. This time was to clean up after a mess I had made. What had Kyo and Hiro been thinking to go this far? Not to mention…

Tatsuha.

Was that Tatsuha? My mind reeled with the knowledge and I felt my stomach lurch. Suddenly, the burning pain I had been dealing with so often hit me. How could I have missed that it was Tatsuha? How could I have been that much of an idiot to miss that? Was it true? And, if it was true, could I live with the guilt?

“Hey?” Eiri called softly with his eyes still closed tight.

“Yes?” I answered, trying to keep the pain from my voice.

His eyes opened slowly to meet mine and he said quietly, “I know what you’re feeling, but don’t freak out on me, okay? You’re not my pet.”

I looked at him quizzically and with worry, but he did not elaborate.

“What are you talking about, Eiri?” He really was fucked up.

“Inoue said that I treated you like a pet. You’re not a pet, Shuichi. You’re my lover,” he gave a shaky sigh. “Is that what you think I think, that you’re my pet?”

I had to sort through the words to try and understand what he was asking me, “In the beginning of our relationship I would say that I was less than a pet. Later… maybe, yeah. Maybe your pet.”

He swallowed hard and rubbed a hand through his hair, “Damn it! Inoue, that self-righteous bastard, was right. How could he know you better than me? How?”

Grabbing my hand, he opened his eyes wide and met mine in a penetrating, coherent stare, “Shuichi, Inoue and Nakano, don’t get crazy with them, okay? They were looking out for you, trying to protect you from any more hurt. From me, actually. They were doing the job I should have been doing long ago. I’m sorry.”

Another apology? Yeah, I had to admit to myself that this was not normal behavior for Eiri. But still, it got to me and I had to swallow the growing lump in my throat, “I don’t know what to say.”

“I’ll yell at you later, I promise.”

Ah, now that was more the Eiri I knew. “Well, you would anyway, so I don’t see anything new with that.” I was tired. Tired of not believing, of not trusting anyone. Least of all this gorgeous person that lay helpless in front of me, declaring his love for me, in a fucked-up state of mind.

I started to cry.

“No, don’t do that,” he said as he struggled to sit up and hold me. “Don’t cry. In this state I’ll cry, too, and you know how much I hate doing that.”

“I love you, Eiri. You’ve always been the one,” I said as I dashed the tears from my eyes.

“Yeah, I know,” he answered.

I quirked my eyebrow at him.

“I really can’t help it, I’m just telling you the truth,” he smiled. “I know that you love me. I know there have been times when you wished you didn’t love me and other times, like now for instance, when you hate me more than you love me. But you do love me.”

“How do you know all this stuff?” I laughed bitterly through my tears.

“Because you are totally transparent, you idiot. When will you figure out that you have become just like me?” His voice dropped low, “And because of me.”

I reached out and took his hand, “I’m glad you’re here. And I’m sorry for what Kyo and Hiro did to you because of me.”

“Hey,” he said slowly, “are the two of them fucking?”

I laughed, “Yeah, how do you know?”

“Well, they had me in this silly abandoned warehouse, like in a bad Yakuza movie, and they were… ” Eiri gave me an uncharacteristic grin.

“Really? That’s weird. I knew Hiro was kinky, but… Huh.” Wishing to avoid any more of this conversation, I quickly changed the subject, “Do you want to sleep in my room?”

“Only if you sleep with me,” he was nodding off as he spoke.

“I don’t know,” I pulled him upright again and helped him to his feet. “You might wake up and ravish me.”

“You wish,” he staggered towards my room.

“Kinda, yeah, I do,” I admitted.

“I missed you, too.” He said groggily.

I pushed him onto my bed and pulled off his shoes. He was already out, so I wrapped my arms around him and snuggled into him.

His scent washed over me, comforting me, but also making me melancholy and full of sorrow. I felt the full pain of what I had done, what I was responsible for, start to close in on me, crushing my broken heart and tearing at my soul. Two years of our lives gone. Two years of agony and suffering all for nothing. All because I couldn’t believe in him.

I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling, I felt as if I was being smothered under the weight of my own guilt. I had been angry with Eiri for so long, and now…

How would he be able to stop from feeling the same way? Wouldn’t Eiri come to resent me the same way I had come to resent him? Wouldn’t he feel angry and hurt because I didn’t and wouldn’t believe in him? Not to mention my accusations about him cheating on me when, in reality, I was the one who had proven to be unfaithful by screwing anything that got in my line of sight including a long list of my friends before topping it all off with Kyo.

While he had waited for me, I had run wild.

I got up and made my way to the bathroom. Once there, I closed and locked the door and puked until the toilet bowl was painted a dreary black and rusty red with my blood. This particular event was frequent in its occurrence lately. I supposed I should mention it to someone, but I found that, at least at the moment, I didn’t really care. Maybe whatever it was would kill me and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything anymore.

After I was done throwing up, I took a nice long shower, cleaning the blood off myself and letting the sound of the running water muffle my wracking sobs as I sat huddled in the corner on the tiled shower floor. Afterwards, exhausted and weak, I made my way back into the bedroom in just a towel and crawled back into bed next to Eiri.

He had that sweet, gentle expression on his face, the one that only sleep could allow him. I snuggled in next to him and he whispered my name in his sleep.

I wasn’t sure what was coming next, but right now, I wanted to feel this. I wanted to pretend that everything was okay for a moment. I wanted to make believe that I was home once again and tomorrow I would wake up and find that I had only dreamt up the past two years.

If only for a heartbeat, I wanted to believe that Eiri and I would be together again.



Early the next morning, I rose, got some coffee going, and took a shower. I left Eiri sleeping soundly and I suspected he would be asleep for most of the day. I had done my very best to tire him out during the night. That, coupled with the fact that he had been drugged and, prior to that, on a fourteen-hour flight, had taken its toll on him. If he didn’t sleep all day, he would be cranky, vicious, and zombie-like. Of course, I wasn’t sure how he would enjoy waking up to find himself in Kyo’s house, either. We would need to find other accommodations right away. That is, if I could manage to somehow reconcile my own feelings.

I was quite exhausted myself. I had not really slept at all, not to mention that I had that puking attack. I was shaky, dizzy, and weak, and my stomach hurt with a constant, churning burn. Throwing up like that always seemed to take a lot out of me.

My thoughts turned to the more pleasant events that had taken place during the night. I found that part of me was confused by what Eiri had done to me the previous night. In all of our years together, he had never been so tender, so open, and so loving as he had last night. He had been kind and gentle with me right after I had been raped, but even then, he had not made himself so openly… vulnerable to me as he had been last night. I knew that he was trying to regain my trust after his violent treatment of me at home, but even so, it was so out of character for him that part of me couldn’t help but be a little bit leery of his actions. Was he only doing it to trick me?

Yet another part of me realized that his tenderness had affected me on a very deep level. His intense loving of me had left me breathless with hope. Would that hope only lead to further heartbreak and pain for me? That’s what it all boiled down to: I was afraid. I was afraid of Eiri’s hold on my heart. I wanted to trust him, I wanted to accept him, but I wasn’t sure I could. After the dust settled, would he look back on last night and see it as a mistake? As the moment he should have let me go instead of trying to keep me?

I heard the front door open and someone came up the stairs. It was Hiro that stepped into the kitchen, he paused, “Shuichi?”

“Hi, Hiro,” I said tiredly.

He looked around, “Where’s…”

“Still in bed,” I said quietly. “Where’s Kyo?”

“He has some work to do today with one of the sponsors of the tour, so he won’t be back until this evening,” he said softly and looked at me closely. Well, at least he was speaking Japanese to me. “Did you eat? Did you sleep?”

I shook my head, “I’m not hungry. And no, I didn’t sleep.”

“Shu, when was the last time you ate?”

Ah, so he’d been keeping track. “I don’t know. Yesterday, some time.”

I also noticed that he hadn’t gotten too close to me yet. He was waiting for my anger to boil over. I was saddened, suddenly, to realize that my best friend was afraid of me. Looking back, I had to face the fact that he had been afraid of me for a while. Everyone was a little afraid of me. That knowledge struck my heart like a poisoned arrow. I had caused so much pain in so many people.

I waved at a chair, and growled at him, “I suppose you and I should talk.”

“Shu,” he began, “Look, I know you’re mad. But…”

“Yeah, yeah, I am mad. But,” I sighed, “you were only trying to look out for me. Eiri made sure I was aware of that.”

“He did?” Hiro said with open surprise. “We didn’t hurt him, Shu. Well, I’m the one that hit him, but we didn’t really hurt him.”

“I am mad about it, Hiro. Really mad. But I’m not mad at you or Kyo. No, that’s not true. I am mad at you guys, I’m more angry that you felt such a ridiculously stupid need to look out for me. I mean come on, kidnapping and drugging someone? What the hell? That’s not like you. Maybe Kyo, but not you, Hiro. So, I guess I’m more angry with myself.” I sighed again.

“Shu,” he inhaled deeply as he searched my eyes, “are you okay? You’re acting kind of strange.”

I nodded and then I began, “Do you remember…” I had to swallow hard and start again, “Do you remember a few years ago when I went on that trip to Yokohama?”

He slid carefully into the seat next to me, “What I remember is that you went to surprise Yuki-san.”

“Yeah. Bad Luck had been on that horrendous, six-month long tour and I was so anxious to see Eiri,” I smiled faintly with the memory. “The whole six months, he’d been such a prick to me on the phone, brushing me off, never wanting to talk to me.”

“Well, Yuki-san has never been the great conversationalist that you are, Shu,” he smiled at me although he was still wary of my every movement.

“That’s true. But, nevertheless, it always made me so insecure when he wouldn’t take any time to speak with me. And I was always so suspicious of him,” I sipped my coffee and my stomach burned in response.

“Why?” Hiro knew my moods well enough to know when he could prod me into continuing.

“Eiri is insatiable when it comes to sex. You’ve had to listen to me enough to know that. So if I was gone for six months, what was he doing?” I struggled to find the right words to explain to my friend what I had dealt with. The pain lanced through my heart and soul as I shared my two years of pain with Hiro for the very first time. “Eiri’s never suffered from a lack of willing partners and when we first got together, I knew that there were others. A lot of others. Why wouldn’t he have gone back to those habits if I wasn’t around to keep an eye on him and keep him entertained?”

“Shuichi,” my friend said, “did it ever cross your mind that maybe he’s just insatiable for you?”

“Tch. Not at all,” I snorted at him.

“Really? Why not?” he challenged.

“Because Eiri is… Eiri. The only reason he stopped sleeping around was because I made such a fuss about it. What would stop him if I weren’t around to complain about it? Really, I’m no different than any other lover he’s had.” I couldn’t seem to stop my self-pity, I felt so low.

“Now you’re just being selfish and silly,” he scolded softly. “Do we need to talk about all the times he’s come to get you? Even if he has been stubborn about it from time to time, he always comes. Not to mention how fiercely possessive he is of you. It may be a love that I don’t understand, but he definitely loves you.

We sat in silence for a moment before I continued, ignoring his attempt to make me feel better. “Anyway, when I went to Yokohama, I worked it out so I could wait for Eiri in his hotel room. But, when I got there…” my throat tightened and I couldn’t continue. Even with what I knew now, that image still hurt.

“Shu?” He asked quietly, “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

I shook my head, “No, I think trying to do things on my own is what got me into the mess I’m in now. I need you to hear this, I need you to know.”

“Okay,” he smiled softly again, “but don’t push it, all right?”

I nodded, “Anyway, when I got there, I found Eiri in the room with a woman and they were…”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me this?” My friend asked me with concern, “I knew something bad had happened in Yokohama, but with you and Yuki-san, you two are always fighting. So at first, I just figured it was one of your normal fights and then later, I realized you weren’t getting over it. But you wouldn’t talk to me about it. Why?”

I sighed, “You already hated Eiri. And you were tired of listening to my problems. Really, Hiro, what would you have said if had I told you?”

He swallowed this time, “I would have told you to leave him.”

“Yes. Probably the right thing to say, but I wouldn’t have listened. And then you would have hated Eiri more, and lost more respect for me. It was lose-lose for me.”

“I wouldn’t… but I… oh, shit,” he looked at me with sadness and took my hand hesitantly, “I’m sorry, Shu. I hurt you, too. When you needed me the most, I wasn’t there for you. So what happened when you confronted Yuki-san with what you saw?”

“I didn’t confront him. As far as I knew, he was the one in the wrong and he was the one who owed me the apology. So I waited for one, but I never got it. And that knowledge, that waiting, it ate me alive, Hiro.” I shuddered with the pain of those months, of knowing Eiri was in the wrong and purposefully ignoring it.

As usual, Hiro had caught the important words in what I said and asked, “What exactly do you mean, ‘As far as you knew,’ Shu?”

I shrugged, “It turns out that I was wrong. All that anger I’d packed around and let burn, all a waste of time and energy.”

“Why?”

I was curiously numb as I continued, “It wasn’t Eiri. It was Tatsuha cosplaying as Eiri so he could get laid. That’s what Eiri told me last night when he was… under your influence.”

Hiro’s mind went into to overdrive as he took in my words and connected the dots, “So, Yuki-san didn’t know anything about what happened in Yokohama?”

I shook my head and said tiredly, “No. That’s why I can’t really be mad at anyone right now. Two years, Hiro. Two years wasted because I was a total dumb ass.”

“You weren’t the only dumb ass,” Eiri’s deep voice rumbled from across the kitchen.

I looked up into his clear eyes and then quickly looked away. I couldn’t stand to see his forgiving stare. I wasn’t sure I could take this.

Eiri’s stare moved to Hiro, “Good morning, kidnapper boy.”

Hiro flushed in embarrassment, but he didn’t back down, “Good morning, Yuki-san.”

Eiri cut him off, “Come on brat, let’s get you packed and out of here before kidnapper number two gets home and forces us to do something bizarre like watch the two of them have sex.”

He turned an even darker shade of red, but this time, Hiro remained silent.

“Wait, does Tohma know you’re all right?” I asked suddenly. That would be all that I would need right now, Seguchi Tohma to show up and rub salt in my wounds.

“Kyosuke called him last night after we sent Yuki-san here,” Hiro volunteered as he stood up and poured himself a cup of coffee. He was limping and moving a little slow and as I looked closer, I noticed his wrists were bandaged similar to Eiri’s. Gods only knew what he and Kyosuke had done in the “warehouse of torture.” Hiro and I had much to discuss at some point.

When he sat back down very slowly and gingerly at the table, I couldn’t resist slapping him on the back. I was rewarded with a grimace and a hiss of pain. “You totally had that coming,” I smiled weakly at him. I never could stay mad at him. “And by the way, you are a total freak, Hiro.”

“So I’ve been told,” he smiled back.

“So, what did Tohma have to say?” Eiri grumbled at Hiro.

“That he would have a room for you today at the same hotel he’s at,” Hiro answered.

“That will do for now, I suppose. Come on, brat. Let’s get your stuff and go. I’d like to leave this place.”

He was ordering me around. His change from last night was happening already. And when or if I resisted, he wouldn’t hesitate to use the two years and Yokohama as a trump card. Fuck! I didn’t think I could do this.

But would he do that? Would he intentionally hurt me?

I stood, “Eiri…”

He was glaring at me.

Nodding, I left the room and collected my stuff. I could feel the confusion and helplessness washing over me. I couldn’t let myself be this vulnerable to him, could I? And, when pressed, would he use the Yokohama incident to bend me to his will?

Following me down the hall, Hiro called to me, “Shu? You can stay here if you want. It might be better if you did stay, at least for a little while.”

“Maybe you need to stay out of this,” Eiri snapped as he joined us. “I’ll only say this once: I am not leaving here without him.”

Hiro’s fists clenched and Eiri glared. Not this again. Not again. No one needed to fight any more. Not for me.

“It’s okay, Hiro. Really,” I smiled, “I’ll be all right. It’s okay.”

“Shu?” he stared at me. “Are you sure?”

Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by his concern. Before I realized what I was doing, I hugged him tightly. He groaned loudly in pain at the contact and I couldn’t help but chuckle as I said, “I’m okay, Hiro. I know you’re here if I need you, okay? I’ll try not to shut you out any more.”

He nodded as I pulled away from him. He limped from the room.

Eiri watched me as I packed quickly. I wasn’t sure what was going on in his mind and I wasn’t sure I would ever know. And right now, I wasn’t sure I could…

“I called Tohma; there should be a limo here shortly.”

I didn’t answer but I continued packing. I considered that this luggage might be all I ever took with me again, so I packed carefully, with the skill of years of touring under my belt. It occurred to me that I was scared and that I wanted to run. I was even packing for that possibility.

“Hey,” Eiri’s voice rumbled at me with more than a hint of irritation. He must have been trying to get my attention for a while.

“Sorry, Eiri. What did you say?”

“I said that I don’t want you to be like this,” his eyes were still gentle with me, but I could see his total exhaustion behind that gentleness. His patience was already fraying.

Part of me wanted to believe him, wanted to let him into my heart, and wanted to trust him. Part of me was suspicious that he had other intentions buried further down inside him, where I couldn’t see. Was he was trying to soothe and woo me, trying to trick me into being under his thumb again?

“How do you want me to be, Eiri?” I said in defeat.

“I don’t know, but not like this!” he snarled back at me, his voice rising in frustration. “Not like some pliant zombie.”

“Sorry, I’ve got a lot on my mind at the moment!” I shouted back. Stay or run—that was what was on my mind.

“I don’t want you to be scared of me,” he fired back at me. He was trying to soften the edge in his voice, but he wasn’t doing a very good job.

“Scared of you? You think I’m scared of you?” I laughed loudly, but I knew that he was right. I was afraid. I was terrified.

He sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his head. I could see that he was close to losing his temper completely, “Yes, I do. Not that I’ll hurt you physically, but that I’ll hurt you mentally and emotionally.”

“Well, here’s a newsflash for you, Eiri: It’s way too late to stop that from happening! About five years too late!” The shrill surliness in my voice surprised even me. Why did I say that? It was as if I was pushing him intentionally, to see how he would react or what he would say. It was almost as if I had no control over what I was saying, as if I were playing spectator to my own mouth.

“Hey!” he shouted as he stood up, his patience snapping, “I wasn’t the one that assumed you were in the wrong for two years and didn’t bother to bring it up!”

“Didn’t take you too long to pull that out, did it?” I sneered at him. It was what I dreaded, what I was expecting. He had said exactly what I feared the most. “So I guess all that stuff you told me last night about ‘how sorry’ you were was total crap! I should have known! You’re such a prick, Eiri!”

Run. Run. Run. My mind screamed at me. Get away, save what’s left of your wounded heart.

“You dare say that…?” He hissed at me. Then his anger came loose completely and he shouted, “There’s no high ground for you to take, you idiot!”

“No, there’s not,” I agreed with him quietly as I snapped my luggage closed. Now I knew. In the span of one minute, with frightening ease, I had my answer. Would he use the two years to intentionally hurt me? Of course he would. “Let’s just go, okay?”

He sighed, as he struggled to get his anger under control again. “We’re not done talking about this.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be too sure about that,” I said as I picked up my bag and moved towards the front door.

I didn’t see Hiro. Hell, he was probably hiding somewhere, trying to get away from the shouting. I didn’t blame him. I’d hide too, if I could.

The limo was waiting and I carried my bag to the car and settled in. Eiri slid in next to me and we rode through London in luxury and tense silence.



I finished my second shower for the day and dressed slowly. I needed some time to myself. Afterwards, I sat on the counter sink, trying to decide where I would go from here. I could hear voices in the other room. It sounded like Tohma and K. I didn’t even have to listen to know what they were saying.

Time to place Shuichi in lockdown. Can’t leave him alone, strung too tight, walking the edge blah, blah blah. It was all so predictable.

I could hear Eiri’s voice now, probably telling them to mind their own business. He would take care of me. Keep an eye on me. Be my jailer.

Wasn’t that all I needed?

I sighed in frustration.

Eiri.

I was afraid that our relationship was no longer possible. If I stayed with him now, I would indeed be reduced to “pet” status. From now on, every time I did something wrong, he would have Yokohama as the ace up his sleeve. And it was a fucking great card, absolutely unbeatable.

So I would wait. He would be gone soon anyway, back to Tokyo. I could pretend for a little while.

Opening the door, I heard Tohma say, “I feel that it is of utmost importance that you don’t let him see it, Eiri-san. I think it would be too much for his fragile state of mind right now.”

“Maybe you should have thought about that before you started messing with him, Tohma,” Eiri snapped.

Tohma sighed, “Unfortunately, Kyosuke and I both had good intentions. Even if a little crude.”

Eiri growled in return, “What a mess. Thanks to that idiot cousin of yours, I have my hands full with trying to convince him that I’m not trying to trap him into something, and now this. Telling him about Yokohama should not have been done when I was drugged out of my mind!”

“So you would have told him if Kyosuke had not… interfered?” Tohma’s gently prodding voice asked.

“Yes!” he snapped again. “Eventually… In my own way.”

His own way. It was such a ridiculous statement I almost scoffed out loud and gave myself away. If Kyosuke had not drugged him and sent him to me, I may have never known about Tatsuha and Yokohama. I paused in my thinking. Maybe I would have been better off if I had never found out.

“Anyway, Yuki-san,” K had his threatening voice going, probably waving a gun around. “Keep him away from his laptop.”

“And how am I supposed to do that?” Eiri grumbled.

“Oh, I’m sure you have your ways,” K sneered.

I had heard enough. I slammed the bathroom door and walked out into the living area of the enormous suite Tohma had secured for us.

“Ah, Shuichi-san,” Tohma oozed at me. “How are you?”

I stared at him, my eyes boring into his, “I’m fine, Tohma. Just swell.”

“About Kyosuke…” he began but I cut him off before he could get any further.

“It’s between the four of us, Tohma, and it doesn’t have anything to do with you.” I said tiredly.

“Shuichi-san?” he asked gently as I moved to the sofa and sat down. There was concern in his eyes, but I knew that it was not for me. It was for Eiri.

“Stuff it, Tohma,” I snapped. I was too worn out to be afraid of what might happen to me if I pissed off the label boss. I just didn’t care any more.

“Yes, Tohma, stuff it. And, while you’re at it,” Eiri said, “leave as well.”

“Very well. You two know how you can reach me,” he said quietly as he retreated, K following in his wake like the obedient dog he was. Well, obedient to a point, anyway.


That night, we had a lovely, sweet evening. We had a marvelous dinner and made passionate love once we got back to the hotel. It was mind blowing, intense and wild. It was everything I wanted. But for some reason, I was still filled with anxiety and doubt. I was still very afraid.

And there was still the question of what was on my email that had everyone on edge.

So, after I made certain that Eiri was asleep and not likely to wake up and surprise me; I checked my laptop. What was it that everyone feared me seeing? My curiosity was really getting to me.

I could see that I had received a message from Eiri’s friend, the reporter, Sakura-san. That was very unusual and probably what all the fuss was about. I opened it.

I watched as the pictures materialized in front of me.

The first one was of a book convention, Eiri at a table, smiling that phony smile of his, a long line of starry-eyed fangirls clutching his books snaked around the room and out the door. The clock above his head read 4:17. The sign next to him advertised details as to the date and time to be present in order to get Yuki Eiri’s signature.

The date and time was about an hour before I arrived in Eiri’s hotel room.

The next picture was also of Yuki Eiri. This one at a bar with a tall, slender, very attractive woman that had her hand entwined with “Yuki’s” and they seemed to be headed towards the exit. The clock behind the bar read 4:33 and the date stamp on the picture matched the previous picture.

I wasn’t sure why, but those pictures really bothered me. I mean, it was silly, I already knew the story of Yokohama, why would pictures make any difference? Was it because it was proof? Maybe, somewhere deep inside, I hadn’t really believed that Eiri was on the level with me about Yokohama. Maybe I had thought he was only trying to trick me. But now… now there was actual proof that I was solely to blame for the last two years.

My stomach lurched on me again and I had to sprint to the bathroom. I didn’t quite make it and I had to clean up the floor with one of the hotel towels. It was too bad; the meal Eiri and I had shared was marvelous. After my attack, as I lay on the bathroom floor, regaining my strength; I made a decision. I needed to get away, at least for a while. I needed time to consider everything and whether or not I could continue along this road.

Maybe I was running away. Maybe, but I needed space to digest everything that had happened, all the knowledge that had been dumped on me within the last two days.

I needed some time and there was only one person I knew who would help me. Only one person in all of Europe who would truly understand what I was going through and who would assist me in doing what I needed to do.

Pulling out my cell phone, I dialed Miki’s number and waited until she answered, “Yes?”

“Hey, Miki, it’s Shu. Want to go to Amsterdam with me?”

TBC


Lyrics for Taste the Pain by Red Hot Chili Peppers