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How to Save a Life	By : saxonjesus Category: +. to F > D. Gray Man Views: 4511 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
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Chapter List
- 7
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Chapter 8�Fooling Yourself

You can close your eyes to the
things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things
you do not want to feel.

�� --- Anonymous

October 8

Bookman looked contemplative.

�You won�t slip?� He asked, something behind his dark eyes implying
that he wouldn�t believe Lavi if he answered in the negative.

�Absolutely not, you paranoid old panda,� Lavi assured him, though his
master looked anything but. �Kanda still has no idea that I�m not me�like
that�d change just because I spend less�n a week at
his house. C�mon, Bookie, lemme go.�

The Panda rolled his eyes and sighed exasperatedly. �If you slip, Lavi�
well, you already know you�re on your last chance.�

Lavi suppressed a shiver from travelling up the intimate path from the
small of his back to the base of his skull. He knew that feeling far too well, and fear would not be the most effective tool to
convince Bookman to let him spend Fall Break with his roommate.

The whole situation had come about just a few days ago, when Lavi had
asked Yuu if he was going home for the four-day weekend.

�Of course I am, Rabbit�� Lavi
still didn�t understand why Kanda called him that, but it didn�t really matter.
It wasn�t worth thinking about at the moment. He could contemplate it some
other time, like a time that was not now. ��Why wouldn�t I?�

�So you�re just gonna leave me?�
He asked pitifully, not understanding why the strange emotion he was faking had
actually settled at the bottom of his chest. Was it loneliness? Sadness? He couldn�t tell, but it weighed him down like an
anchor.

�Yes.� The answer was very
prompt, and it cut, sort of. For some really idiotic reason, Lavi wanted to
cry. He felt tears sting at his eyes, almost as if they were blood from the
wound Yuu�s words had made.

�I see how it is, then,� he said,
pouting somewhat genuinely.

�Well, you could always come with
me,� Kanda said offhandedly. Lavi scoffed, doing a fair imitation of his
roommate.

�As if you
would want an idiot like me around.� He was not going to cry,
dammit! He looked away to hide his face, just in case his eyes started to leak.

�I was� serious,� Kanda said
quietly, and when the redhead looked back at him, the dark-haired boy had his
head turned. His neck was bent forward a bit, as if he was trying to use his
hair to hide something. Lavi leaned slightly closer, and when he saw a light
blush dusting Kanda�s cheeks, he decided not to tease him like his persona was
urging him to do.

�Oh.� There was really nothing
else to say, and from the heat in his own face, Lavi knew he was blushing too.

There was silence for a bit,
which Kanda broke, surprising his roommate. �Are you� going to come?�

Lavi could only nod. He didn�t
know why, but his heart was floating.

In his mind, Lavi shook his head, clearing it of memories that didn�t,
strictly speaking, need to be recalled.

�I know. Trust me, Bookman, I�m taking this seriously.� He was. He
hadn�t slipped yet, not anywhere outside of the safety of his room, not since
the last time he and Bookman had �talked.�

�Then go.� Bookman looked resigned, leaving the room shaking his head.
Deep in his thoracic cavity, Lavi�s innards were doing an Irish jig.

---

October 16

Ah, blissful darkness. Around him was cold, and chains were on his
wrists and ankles, but it was dark, delightfully dark. No one was there, not
even the faces. He shivered. He knew this place. However, as long as it was
dark, he was safe.

Safe.

That was something he hadn�t felt in years. But as long as the light
didn�t blare to life, everything would be okay. No faces could come swimming into his tear-filled vision. No one could hurt
him. Even if he ached, even if he was chilled like a fine bottle of champagne,
no one could ever hurt him when it was dark.

�Yuuuu-chaaaan! Yuu-chan! Yuu-chan? Yuuu-chan? YUU-CHAN! Yuuuuuuuu-chan! Yuu-chan!�

Or maybe not. Fucking
rabbits.

Yuu opened his eyes and flinched. Lavi, who was just barely illuminated
by the alarm clock�s green numbers, was abnormally
close, looking like a happy retard as he shook Yuu�s carefully cocooned body.

�Go away,� he mumbled, seething. The alarm clock told him it was half
past five. He�d fallen asleep maybe twenty minutes ago. He wasn�t going to be
able to fall back to sleep, especially with the dumbass redhead bouncing the
bed and being all close and smiley and weird.

�Nooo!� Lavi
crooned. �I wanna know when we�re gonna go! Is it
time yet? I�m so excited!�

�No, you idiot,� Yuu growled, �Tiedoll�s going to pick us up at noon.�

Even in the dim, barely-there light, Yuu could see Lavi�s face fall. It
disturbed him a bit to see how genuine the boy was right now. Did he really
want to leave that badly?

�Sorry, Yuu-chan, go back to sleep.�

�Like I could after that, Baka.� He sat up�or at least made an effort to, but then
Lavi was pushing him back down. Rather than waste effort and put up a fight,
Yuu just let himself fall back into the soft mattress. It was still
comfortable, even if he wouldn�t be able to sleep now.

�Of course you can!� Lavi smiled. His speech was hushed but
enthusiastic, and even after Yuu shook his head in soft defiance, Lavi forced
his roommate�s eyes closed and curled up with his head on the dark-haired boy�s
chest.

Though no one could see, Yuu rolled his eyes. He had a suspicion that
the rabbit could feel the action. In fact, he could almost feel the smile that
Lavi was no doubt making at the moment. Yes, there it was, right against his
clothed right breast.

He hated being so close to Lavi, but not because the idiot was holding
him around his stomach and nuzzling into the crook of his neck. He hated how it
made him feel. He hated that he was feeling exceedingly warm, warmer than he�d
ever felt since his parents had been alive. Or maybe that was a lie. There had
been good times, but they�d always been so busy� when they�d had time for him,
it had always been rushed. There had never been anyone but Onee-san to tuck him in at night. That had been pleasant, but there
wasn�t a rush of warmth like there would be if it had been his mother or
father. He wouldn�t come home from elementary school to find a meal on the
table, except if his nanny�his Onee-san�had
gotten there early.

But right now, with Lavi�s breathing evening out as he fell back into
the sacred darkness that Yuu coveted, he felt inexplicably okay. Maybe he even felt a little happy. And peaceful.
Yes, that was it, he was at peace. He kept his eyes shut and listened to Lavi
breathe, because that made everything all the warmer, all the calmer, and then
he was drifting off, too, because the doors were locked, the windows were
locked, and even with Lavi right there next to him�not quite asleep, but nearly
there�he knew the boy wouldn�t hurt him, not ever.

When he dreamed, he didn�t fall back into that dark, cold room.
Instead, he dreamt that he was in a field late at night, with only the stars to
shine soft light upon him. Even the moon was absent, so it must have been at
the very beginning of a new cycle. All about him, bugs chirped, and next to
him, Lavi lay. Nothing happened in this dream; he just lay there quietly,
calmly, and thought about how serene the night was, how wonderfully peaceful he
felt, and how perfectly Lavi fit against him. Their legs tangled together in
the sweet, dark grass, and the redhead dozed lightly on him.

After a while, the redhead stirred, opening two shining, emerald green
eyes. It was weird, but his eye patch seemed to be missing. Lavi was above him,
smiling down with the stars twinkling an ethereal
backlight upon him, and he looked so soft and delicate, yet solid and manly. It
came into Yuu�s mind to kiss him, so he leaned up and did so.

And it felt good. Better than
at the party, when Lavi had been drunk. It felt one million times better, like
the splendor of light left behind by the explosion of fireworks, or the
rainbows cast off of falling water. It felt clean, or maybe clear, and
absolutely dazzling. Yuu�s chest felt like it was going to burst.

In that soft, safe environment, they gave way to a brightly-colored
passion, and as the first rays of sun shone into their eyes, Yuu felt, for the
first time, that maybe he could heal after all.

And then he woke up.

Tiedoll was knocking obnoxious patterns on the door. Extricating
himself from Lavi, Yuu got up to answer. The feeling stayed with him, though,
even if it was destroyed a second later as Tiedoll glomped
him, pushed him back onto the bed, and proceeded to nuzzle his neck.

It was gross. No old man should have been allowed to do that. Lavi made
little groggy sounds from the other side of the bed. Tiedoll ignored them. Yuu
wanted to kill him.

�Yuu-kun, I missed you so much!� Tiedoll said, located somewhere around
his left shoulder. �How are you, my favorite son?�

�I�m not your favorite son.�

�Yes, you are!� Tiedoll insisted. �Don�t say ridiculous things,
Yuu-kun!�

�Che.
Whatever, Old Man, get off.� But as always, Tiedoll refused.

�Yuu-kun is sooo mean to me!� Ah, now he
understood why he hated �Lavi.�

�If you don�t get off, how are we going to leave?� That seemed to be
enough for Tiedoll, who after several more squeezes, released him.

Yuu gasped in several breaths and collected his things as Lavi waited
impatiently by the door with Tiedoll. Then they were in Tiedoll�s car, driving
down the crowded streets toward his home. It took nearly an hour to get there,
but when they did, everyone was waiting for them.

Lenalee, who Yuu supposed had gotten a ride back earlier, ran over to
the car as soon as he had gotten out.

�Yuu-kun! Hug?� She
asked, holding her arms out expectantly. She even pulled on her �cute� face, which
involved making her eyes very, very wide. When he�d been younger, he�d called
her a bug. She had promptly started to cry, and he�d never called her that
again.

He nodded, and she wrapped her arms around his waist, placing her cheek
on his shoulder. He patted her on the back a few times until she let go,
smiling even wider than she had been moments before.

Yuu heard Lavi crawl out of the car and come up behind him, and he
noticed the slight widening in Lenalee�s eyes when she saw the redhead. She was
probably as surprised to see him as Tiedoll had been when he�d asked if Lavi
could stay over break.

With a quick nod to Miranda and Marie, he pulled the overenthusiastic
redhead into the house. His roommate was already in �annoying Lavi� mode, but
for once, he didn�t really care. There was a little flame in the pit of his
stomach, irritating and tingly, that reminded him that Lavi was there with him.
On Fall Break. At his
house.

He didn�t know why that simple fact caused such a reaction in him, but
it felt like the redhead had chosen him over Bookman, and that was a very
satisfying thought.

The only problem was that Lavi was looking at him right now with that
damn fucking annoying face that just looked� innocent and happy and a million
other things that Yuu didn�t have the capacity to understand. He looked fucking
kissable.

Walking up the stairs and down the hall to where his room was, he heard
the idiot behind him making stupid comments like, �Yuu-chan�s
house is sooo
big!� or, �There are so many rooms; I�ve never been in a house with so many
rooms before.�

His room was a little dusty; obviously Lenalee and Tiedoll had listened
to him when he told them not to go in while he was away. It left him feeling
content in the fact that his threats were finally being heeded.

Lavi threw his backpack onto the spare bed, and it let up a huge cloud
of dust. Okay, maybe he should have let Tiedoll clean. The redhead didn�t seem
to mind, though, because a few seconds after the backpack had settled, the
idiot jumped, just like a rabbit, onto the bed, filling the immediate space
with an even larger cloud.

Yuu sat down on his bed across the room; it was a fair bit harder than
his bed at school. Actually, it was more like sitting on a sheet of metal after
months of feather pillows and down comforters. Almost immediately, he wanted to
go back to school, but then he remember he was here, alone, with Lavi.

The dust had yet to settle, and the idiot was just lolling around on
the covers stirring up more, which would have been funny, except that it was
starting to bother his nose.

�Stop being an idiot,� he growled, and Lavi stilled.

�I�m not an idiot, Yuu-chan.� The redhead smiled at him and Yuu rolled
his eyes.

�You�re behaving like one, and if it looks like an idiot and sounds
like an idiot, then the only logical conclusion is that you are an idiot,� Yuu
replied, smirking at the sudden downcast face his roommate was making.� It was almost as if Yuu could see his rabbit
ears drooping, which was stupid because he didn�t have rabbit ears.

�Yuu-chan�s so mean to me!� Lavi sniveled
from somewhere inside the still-subsiding cloud of dust. Yuu made a doubtful
noise that was halfway between a snort and a scoff.

�If you have a problem with that, then why are you here?�

It was a good question. Why the hell was he here? Lavi looked thoughtful, and for once, the Japanese boy
could not tell if the emotion was genuine or not. Then Lavi�s face broke out
into a sly grin.

�Wouldn�t you like to know?� He asked suggestively, winking. Or blinking. It was hard to tell with that damn eye patch.

It was completely within Yuu�s rights to hit people who said dumb
things like that, and who was he to restrain himself?

�Owieeee!� Lavi
whined, pushing him away to no effect.

�It�s your own fault, idiot. Why don�t you try being less of a
dumbass?� Yuu glared at the redhead, spitting his words out. It was a pity they
sounded soft despite the sting, sort of like marshmallows cooked over an open
fire.

�Why don�t you stop being mean, then?� Lavi
shot back, but the response didn�t phase
the dark-haired boy. He�d suffered worse. Much worse.

An involuntary shiver curled up his spine, one he couldn�t quite
suppress enough for Lavi not to see. Immediately, the redhead�s face dropped
its brainless expression that was all smiles and no soul, replacing it with
something that Yuu could maybe identify as concern.

It wasn�t unheard of, nowadays, for Lavi to switch so quickly between
himself and his persona that they were beginning to blur together. It was as if
Lavi had lost the defining line between them when he had met Yuu.

The dark-haired boy had no illusions on this subject. Lavi had told him
full-out, or had at least implied it enough to be painfully obvious: something
about his presence made the redhead want to be free, something about him made
it easy for him to pry away years of discipline and control and become the self
he was supposed to be.

In a way, Lavi was having the same effect on Yuu. The redhead�s
annoying chatter was easy to drown out, and though it wasn�t the silence Yuu
needed and veritably craved, it was
calming in its own way. It wasn�t the high-pitched screams of a young boy or
volatile whispers slithering into his ear and hissing words in a foul string of
Japanese. It wasn�t chains creaking or bones crunching or even that awful slapping sound when the pain came. Lavi
just spoke; he said random things
about other random things, not really caring if his audience was listening or
not. It was almost like he knew that
deep down, Yuu hated noise and he was trying to heal that. He was like a breath of fresh air in spring. He was
bright like the sun. He was alive like fire.

Lavi was his own personal Amaterasu�only
male. And if that was the case, then he was Uzume�though
he, too, was male�luring him out to shine that beautiful light on him. Only his
plot didn�t involve dancing half-naked in front of a tub.

He really needed to think more about his metaphors before he thought
them.

�Yuu-chan?� Lavi asked, his worried tone
navigating the way into Yuu�s consciousness. �Are you okay?� Strong, gentle
arms slid around his waist and pulled him into a warm chest. There was a
rhythmic noise that Yuu identified a moment later as Lavi�s heartbeat. It was
soothing, calming even.

�Fine,� he tried to say, but the words got strangled in his throat. Because no, he wasn�t fine. He hadn�t been fine in years, and even then, had he
really been? It was time he broke a few barriers, because otherwise he would
collapse completely. No, he couldn�t lay his heart out on the table, but he
could at least pull the redhead just that much closer so that maybe, if he was
paying attention to it�which he wasn�t�their chests could press together. And
he could probably let his arms stay around Lavi�s own waist, and maybe he could
even go so far as to let his head rest on his roommate�s shoulder.

After all, it wasn�t like he could stay invincible forever,
invulnerable though he was. He needed this. It had just taken him this long to
realize it.

He could still be mean, he could still be �Yuu-chan,� but he could also
let Lavi comfort him, just a little bit, because otherwise he was going to cry, and that wasn�t a fucking option.

�Yuu-chan?�

Oh, he hadn�t answered Lavi yet. What was he supposed to say? No, Lavi, I�m not fine because all I can
fucking think about right now is how miserable I was as a child and exactly
what my mother looked like, staring at me as the life was extinguished from her
eyes because a bloody goddamn pair of hedge clippers was impaled in her goddamn fucking chest and those two goddamn creeps
who ruined my fucking life.

He wasn�t on fucking Oprah.

�Yuu-chan?�

�What!?�
He snapped into Lavi�s shoulder. The redhead flinched noticeably, or maybe it
was the proximity.

�Jeez, Yuu, y�don�t haveta
bite my head off,� the apprentice Bookman said, sounding offended.

He couldn�t apologize. He couldn�t. Even if he hadn�t
meant to yell. That would be like admitting he had done something
wrong�which he had, but that wasn�t the point at the moment�to someone else.
And what if that person hated him for it? He was a hate-able creature, after
all.

�Just� just talk.� His voice sounded rough, guttural, like the crying
option had suddenly become a necessity. He didn�t like that idea.

�What about?� Was it Yuu�s imagination, or was
Lavi�s voice getting a little throaty as well?

�Anything. Just� anything.�

And Lavi did. He talked about the different species of worms and how
snakes reproduced and how he had looked up different kinds of fish food but had
yet to find one that sounded even remotely appetizing, even for the fish who
ate it. He talked about how he was bored during all of his classes, about how
he was second-guessing his rash choice to become a Bookman, about how Yuu felt
really soft, kind of like a kitty cat.

�Muffins?� Yuu asked at that last one. It
wasn�t that he was calling for him, just that he was reminded of that adorable fluffball of idiocy. Lavi was kind of like Muffins, now
that he thought about it, only the redhead did this weird thing with his nose
that was distinctly rabbit-like.

�Eh?� Lavi said, sounding surprised to be interrupted. Yuu was
surprised to be interrupting.

�Muffins,� he said, and that really explained it all, though Lavi still
looked mystified.

�You want muffins?� Lavi asked. Yuu sighed. Now that he thought about
it, he sort of did, so he nodded.

�I�ll make us some.�

He wasn�t all that happy to let go of Lavi, truth be told, but he
wasn�t listening to that creeping stalker part of his brain at the moment.

---

October 17

What made people gay? Was it having dreams about roommates being naked
on top of you as they moved inside
you? Was it wishing that your roommate would stay shirtless just a moment
longer after getting out of the shower so you could stare at him? Was it wanting him to hold onto to you for just a few
moments longer, just so you could feel the warmth? �If so, then Lavi seemed to be going three for
three at the moment.

He needed expert help.

Kanda wouldn�t do, especially given their current roommate situation,
so that left one other option. She may have made him cry, but Lenalee had
brought the topic up in the first place. It was likely that she would be able
to shed some light on it.

Lavi had left Yuu in the kitchen at the mercy of Tiedoll�s incessant
crying over �his favorite son� with the excuse of wanting to talk to Lenalee.
He almost felt bad leaving his roommate there, but then he remembered exactly
why he needed to talk to Lenalee, and the feeling left abruptly. Tiedoll would
keep the dark-haired boy busy for long enough.

Knocking on Lenalee�s door, which was, for some reason, a very
important thing to do, according to Kanda, he waited for her reply.

�Come in!� Lenalee�s sweet voice answered, and Lavi complied.

Lenalee was lying on her bed, feet propped up on the wall, hair hanging
over the edge of the mattress, reading what appeared to be some sort of
magazine.� She leaned her head back and
smiled at him, her face red from the blood pooling in her brain.

�Hey, Lavi, what can I do for you?� The Chinese girl asked, scooting
over to the side so Lavi would have a place to sit.

�Lenalee, about our last conversation� I, er,
I�� He couldn�t say it. For some reason, it was embarrassing to admit,
especially since the girl was giving him a sly smile that indicated she knew
exactly what he was going to say. It was a bit unnerving. So he decided just to
spit it out.

�How do I know if I�m gay?� He blurted out�a bit too loudly, in his
opinion.

The dark-haired girl sat up, looking a bit dizzy as she did so, but
still managed to keep that same knowing smile on her face.

�That�s easy, Lavi! I have the perfect test!� She giggled and reached
under her mattress, producing another magazine. He got a look at the cover
before she opened it and had a bad feeling about what this �test� was.

�Allen keeps his �Playboys� here because Cross keeps stealing them,� she
explained, as if having porn under your mattress was something everyone had.
She flipped through the glossy pages, and reaching the center, she opened it
and turned it so that Lavi had no choice but to look.

�Are those even real? I mean, if you look close enough, you can even
see the surgical scars.� He really didn�t see the point in showing him pictures
of nude women lying in raunchy positions, bearing it all for the world to see.

Lenalee looked at the picture and chuckled. �You�re right, there�s no
way those are real. But seriously,� she sobered immediately, �do you feel
anything?��

He shook his head; should he be feeling anything? Lenalee nodded and
closed the magazine, tucking it back under the mattress. When she sat up, she
still looked serious.

�Okay, Lavi, now for the real deal.� As she spoke, she reached behind
her back and grabbed the magazine she had been reading and flipped through it
so Lavi couldn�t see. A few moments later, her face lit up and she smiled
darkly at him. �This is my favorite picture�� Her voice trailed off as she
picked up the magazine and brought it up so he could see.

Immediately he felt all the blood rush to his face. Why did it feel so
hot? He looked away from the picture, but it was too late, the image was burned
in his retinas forever, which may or may not have been a bad thing. No, it was
bad because the heat hadn�t travelled only to his face.

Sleek and shiny from the glossiness of the page, an Asian man lay
sprawled on a couch, one leg hooked over the back of the leather upholstery.
The man had long hair that fell across his chest in a lazy arrangement. Dark
eyes outlined by long lashes gazed soulfully out into space. His hand was
caressing his manhood.

He looked exactly like Yuu-chan.

�Doesn�t he look just like
Yuu-kun?!� Lenalee exclaimed, throwing the magazine behind her in her
enthusiasm.

�Y-yeah, I guess he does.� Lavi was aware he was sweating. Profusely.

�Sooo, what did you think?� Well, the blood
definitely wasn�t just in his face anymore, and he�d never gotten a reaction
like that to a woman, either, and he did
think that his roommate was the most aesthetically pleasing person he�d ever
seen, so he guessed the truth was apparent.

�I suppose this makes me gay�� Lavi said,
resignation in his tone.

�I knew it!� The Chinese girl grinned. Had it been that obvious?

�That�s it?�

�Yeah!�

�Seriously? That�s all?� Lavi was confused. He
felt like it should have been more of an epiphany, like he would just randomly
get the urge to go hump someone. Instead, he felt exactly the same.

�You should tell Yuu-kun,� Lenalee suggested, pulling the redhead from
his jumbled thoughts. That idea set off alarm bells. If Kanda knew, he�d hate
him for sure.

�I can�t do that!� He exclaimed, gesturing helplessly at the
dark-haired girl in front of him. He needed to explain somehow, but he didn�t
know exactly how to get his point across. From the bewilderment on the Chinese
girl�s face, his hand gestures just weren�t cutting it. �I mean, Yuu would hate
me. Something else happened to him�I don�t know what, but whatever it is, it�s
hurt him enough that he still doesn�t trust me enough to tell me. I have an
idea, but I�m probably completely off base with it, and I don�t really want to
jump to conclusions when I don�t have any conclusive evidence.� This wasn�t
actually helping the whole explanation process, so Lavi decided to get to the
point. �But no matter what, Yuu-chan would be really uncomfortable if he knew.
He�d hate it if he thought I was just� starin� at him
or�checkin� him out or something,� he concluded with
a shrug, giving up the explanation as a bad job.

�Well, he has a right to know� he is
your roommate after all.�

Lavi nodded, conceding that particular fact.

�And you can just tell him you won�t be looking at him� unless you�re interested in him,� Lenalee said, ending
her sentence with a sly smile.

�I don�t know,� Lavi responded truthfully. �I�ve never really thought
about it. I mean, I don�t even know what I�m supposed to feel. I�ve spent my
entire life repressing these kind of things. Lenalee,
what does it even mean to be interested in someone? What does it feel like?�

�Well� I know when I�m around Allen,
my heartbeat picks up, and I just want to go around and hug him, and I want him
to hug me back, too. When you like someone, you always want to know what
they�re thinking or how their day has been. You could listen to them ramble on
about dumb things all day just so you could listen to their voice. You�re
willing to put up with their faults and hope that they�ll put up with yours.
When you�re around them, you just want to touch
them. And seeing their smile is like coming home. It makes your chest swell up
and get all tight, and all you really want to do is just prolong that moment
and make them smile forever.� Lenalee�s face grew more and more wistful the
longer she talked, as if she was thinking specifically of Allen as she said all
this.

The apprentice Bookman nodded contemplatively and stood up, patting the
Chinese girl on the head as he did so. �Thanks, Lenalee,� he said, and walked
out. He had a lot to think about.

---

Yuu was still with Tiedoll when Lavi returned to the kitchen. The man
was still embracing his poor
roommate, who was looking slightly despondent at the moment. Well, despondent
and agitated. It looked like the vein
in his forehead was about to burst.

�Please, please cook dinner,
my favorite son!� Tiedoll was pleading as Lavi stepped into the room. Quickly,
he walked over and gently extricated the dark-haired boy from his guardian�s
grasp, pulling him into a kind of pseudo-one-armed hug in the process.

�Fine, Tiedoll, just stay the fuck off me,� Kanda answered, teeth
gritted and vein still pulsing. Surprisingly, though, he hooked one of his arms
around Lavi�s waist.

There was that heartbeat thing that Lenalee had just been talking
about. If he thought back, he�d felt this way a lot, but he�d just chalked it
up to his heart choosing strange moments to be inefficient.

Yuu led him from the room, back to his own, and dumped him on the bed.

�How dare you desert me, you bastard,� he hissed, but there was no real
animosity in his voice. It made Lavi shiver, the deep, soft timbre that was
issuing from Yuu�s mouth.

�Sorry, Yuu-chan,� he said, putting his hands up in a gesture of
surrender. �I needed to talk to Lenalee about something.�

Yuu raised an eyebrow. �Didn�t she make you cry last time?�

�That was� a misunderstanding,� the redhead said nervously. Yes,
Lenalee had hurt him last time, but now he was ready to be pushed. He was ready
to shed some of the restrictions Bookman had put on him.

Why?

It was forbidden, so why in hell was he taking such a risk, especially
when he was on his last chance? What was different? Why did he want to feel so damn much?

He still didn�t know the answer to any of those questions, but he had a
feeling his roommate had something to do with it. Maybe.

Wait, yes.

Yuu.

He was calling him Yuu. Somehow Kanda had become important enough to
call by his first name, even in his supposedly impartial, objective mind.

He wasn�t sure if he liked his roommate, not like that, but he definitely cared. It wasn�t just an indulgence to his
persona anymore�it hadn�t been in a long time�but now it was more complete.

And Bookman could never know about it.

Or maybe he was just fooling himself. Did he like Yuu? The dark-haired
boy sat him down on his bed and then sat next to him. And maybe Lavi did want to hold him, hug him, see him smile.

Yes, he was fooling himself. He was interested in Yuu.

What was he going to do?

---

A/N: Lalalaaaa! Sorry this chappie was a bit later than our usual week-late tardiness!
Opera orchestra is eating up Em2�s time, and Em1�s classes are eating up hers.
Plus, we�ve suddenly grown a social life with real live friends! Isn�t that exciting? But anyway, here is your next
chapter. We�ve begun eating away at the buffer chapters again, but seeing as we
plan on finishing chapter 10 tonight before we go to sleep, it�s not technically eating away at it� :3

WE HAVE DECIDED THAT AFTER HTSAL WE ARE GOING TO STOP
POSTING TO AFF.NET BECAUSE WE HATE IT SO YOU ALL WILL HAVE TO GO TO OUR LJ OR
FF.NET TO VIEW OUR STUFF. SORRY BUT THAT�S JUST THE WAY IT IS GOING TO BE. Saxon-jesus.livejournal is our LJ and ffnet/~saxonjesus is our ffnet. Our LJ
isn�t friendslocked, so feel free to comment there.
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How to Save a Life