An Idiot's Guide to Ectopic Birth

"What's for desert?" Marui asked, already digging through the boxes on the Sanada dining room table. "Hey, we're having Italian tonight, right? Tiramisu? Cannoli? Oh, man, I hope it's cannoli. . ."

"We're here to load up on carbs, nitwit," Niou said, swatting Marui on the back of his head, "not sugar."

Marui pouted. "Are you saying there's no cannoli?"

"Bunta," Jackal said, "we haven't even started eating the appetizers yet. Are you really going to go off about deserts now?"

"Marui," Yukimura interrupted, and the false sweetness in his voice made everyone freeze, "we'll be having fresh fruit."

No one said anything for a moment, but then Kirihara plopped his head down on the table, curls flopping this way and that.

"How boring," he whined.

"Now, now," Yanagi said, pulling a chalkboard into the room as everyone groaned. "We should be grateful that the school offered to pay for this catered, specially formulated meal."

"Don't tell me we're still going over strategy," Niou bitched, glaring at the chalkboard. "We already spent the afternoon talking about the enemies and possible line-ups."

"I'm afraid I have to agree with Niou." It was, unsurprisingly, Yagyuu who voiced this opinion. He was sitting next to his favorite doubles partner, legs crossed and back perfectly erect while Niou slouched over the table. Niou, who had a napkin tucked into the collar of his shirt. "There's only so much we can prepare at this late hour. Besides, we seem to be in a fairly easy bracket this year."

"That's true enough," Yanagi agreed, "but I thought we could brainstorm punishments for whoever loses a game tomorrow."

Kirihara lifted his head slightly. "Why can't we go with. . . what's it called. . . what's it called, Marui-senpai, the thing you were telling me about last week?"

"Positive reinforcement," Marui said, taking forever to say it since he had to sound out every syllable.

"Yeah," Kirihara agreed. "Like, Jackal's going to take Marui and me out for dinner and arcade games when we win tomorrow."

"When did I say that?" Jackal protested, even though he knew that he was going to end up doing it anyway.

"That's not the way Rikkai works," Yukimura said.

"My last kendo dummy broke," Sanada suggested, "I could use some one to stand in before the new one arrives."

"No," Yukimura said, "that's too violent, even for you. Besides, we'll still need to be able to play at the finals on Sunday."

"We can make the losers eat gouya," Kirihara suggested, and every one gave him a funny glance.

"I think," Jackal said, "you were paying attention to the wrong things at the Seigaku-Higa match."

"The losers can go to school dressed as 17-century french courtesans," Yagyuu offered, his voice as prim and proper as ever.

Niou snickered at that. "Yeah, right. When it comes to you, isn't that more of a reward?"

"Too much information," Jackal yelled, his arms a giant x in front of him. "Guys, please, we talked about this, right? My lecture on over sharing?"

A murmur of recollection passed through the tennis team. Jackal frowned, remembering how hard it was to get the troika to agree to let him use tennis time to discuss the fact that is was inappropriate to discuss exactly what positions elicited exactly what kinds of noises from Niou. But then Sanada's brother stuck his head into the dining room, holding something very leathery and very strappy in one hand and a cherry red gag in the other.

"Seichi," Kentarou said, "sorry to interrupt, but who do you think this would look better on, you or me?"

"Definitely you, darling," Yukimura replied, and Kentarou smiled before disappearing back into the hallway.

Jackal sat down, completely defeated.

"Losers have to clean the club house," Marui declared, "and I'm pretty sure someone just had sex in it today."

Every one agreed to that, eager to finally eat dinner. Niou had already joined Marui in pulling dishes out of the boxes, and even Yagyuu was already helping himself to some pasta.

Yanagi sat down with a sigh, the chalkboard left to stand neglected against the wall.

"Sorry, Yukimura," he said, but Yukimura was already shrugging it off.

"It's fine," Yukimura, lowering his voice so Kirihara couldn't hear, "except for the matches we plan to throw in the semi-finals, none of us will lose. It's the finals we should be concerned about."

"Who do you think it's going to be?" Sanada asked, wondering.

"It would be interesting," Yanagi said, "if you were able to play Atobe or Tezuka again, Sanada. But I think it will end up being Shitenhouji."

"No," Yukimura said. Yanagi had his data, but Yukimura understood tennis in a way that most people didn't. "It's going to be Seigaku."

Two hours later every one was done, and most of the club members had left. Only Sanada, Yukimura, and Yanagi remained, the three of them together. Just as it had always been, since their first year as students. Now it was their last, and Yukimura tried to stifle the nervousness and anticipation that threatened to rise in his stomach.

"Are you sure you don't want to head upstairs?" Yanagi teased. "I'm sure Kentarou's all tied up and waiting for you by now."

Sanada shuddered at the thought, wishing that Yanagi wouldn't discuss his brother's sexual habits in front of him.

"No," Yukimura replied, a smile on his lips that Sanada might have called sentimental if he hadn't known better. "It's our last tournament together. It's nice to spend time together like this."

Yanagi was about to echo that thought when all of them heard a ruckus coming from outside in the hallway. There were footsteps, a high-pitched scream, a crash, and another scream, this one shorter and deeper and sounding more disgusted than anything else. Suddenly a small black and white cat. . . no, a black and white cat with a monkey tail, came flying into the room to land clumsily on the table. A tall, muscular man with shaggy platinum blond hair followed.

"Sorry, Noririn," he said, not sounding very sorry at all. He was pouring anti-bacterial gel onto his hands and rubbing up his arm. "Reflex."

The cat was turning into a cute boy, with big, round eyes and black hair that hung down around his chin.

"Eh. . . it's okay, Yonekuni-senpai. I know how you are."

A third boy came into the room after them. He looked a lot like the blond boy, with the same build and height and ruggedly handsome features, but he had very short, tousled black hair. He brought a hand up to brush through it, sighing.

"Hey, Genichirou," he said. "It seems like we've made a mess in your hallway."

"Kunimasa," Sanada replied, "what are you doing here?"

It took a few minutes for every one to settle down. The two tall boys had taken to their seats with similar kinds of slouched, confident postures, a kind of regal nonchalance to their bearing. The small boy, on the other hand, was sitting on the edge of his chair, perky as he plucked leftover slices of fruit off of the serving platter.

"These are my cousins, the Madarame brothers," Sanada explained to Yanagi and Yukimura. "Distant, distant cousins. This is Kunimasa-"

Sanada pointed to the tall brunette.

"This is Yonekuni-"

Here he pointed to the blonde.

"And this is Norio, Kunimasa's fiance."

The small, cute boy waved at them and smiled from around an orange slice.

"I think," Sanada said, "I can guess at what happened outside."

"Oh, sorry," Norio interjected, blushing slightly in embarrassment, "that was my fault. I saw a spider and got scared, knocked over a few things, and accidentally grabbed on to Yonekuni."

"Yonekuni hates men," Sanada explained.

"It's almost a disease," Yonekuni added, shivering in distaste, "Just the thought of touching them makes me sick."

"I see," Yukimura said, suitably perplexed. "And you're all madararui as well?"

Three nods, of varying eagerness.

"That's so interesting," Yanagi said, leaning closer to Norio, ignoring the jealous growl that was starting to project from Kunimasa's throat. "Retrogrades are extremely rare, and yet we have two in Japan right now. And both snatched up by the same family."

"We're really only distantly related," Sanada corrected, "although I suppose our families are close enough."

"How did you two meet?" Yanagi asked, still focused on Norio.

Norio flushed red at the question, his smile suddenly very tense.

"Well, you see. . . I was in the subway station, and this guy. . ." Here he pointed at Kunimasa. ". . . grabbed me. . . and came all over my face."

Silence. Yanagi leaned back in his chair, smile frozen in place, while Yukimura averted his gaze from either Norio or Kunimasa. Even Sanada had a slight pink tinge to his cheeks.

"How. . . romantic," Yanagi finally said, completely deadpan.

Kunimasa cleared his throat. "Well, that's why we're here, actually. Our brother Shinobu told us you were in the same situation, in that you were dating a retrograde, and we came to see if you and Akaya were having the same problem we do."

"We can't have sex," Norio blurted out.

Sanada blinked. ". . . That's not a problem for us."

"Honestly," Yonekuni said, bringing a hand to his head, "why is it that you two can't even explain a simple concept? Genichirou, does Akaya have any problems controlling his kon-gen?"

"Actually," Sanada replied, "he picked it up pretty quickly. He still can't control his pheromones during mating season, and he loses it when he gets extremely angry, but that's about it."

"In that case," Yonekuni continued, "he's doing much better than Norio. Whenever Norio gets aroused, he loses complete control and turns into a cat. Obviously, that makes mating difficult."

"You really haven't been able to have sex?" Yukimura asked, somewhat in awe.

Norio was completely scarlet as he shook his head. "Nope."

"And you're actually engaged?" Yanagi asked.

". . . yeah."

"Aren't you both still in high school?" Yukimura asked. "Isn't an engagement. . . well, a bit much at this age?"

"Well," Yanagi explained, "since it's harder for madararui to conceive than it is for monkeys, we generally get engaged or married at a younger age."

Some tiny sense of fancy or whimsy stirred in Sanada at the statement.

"Maybe," he said, "I'll propose to Akaya."

Yanagi and Yukimura stared at him incredulously.

"Really?" Yukimura asked. "Really, Sanada? You won't even admit that you're dating, and now you're going to propose to him?"

". . . maybe I'll wait until after graduation."

"You know," Yanagi said, directing his words to Kunimasa, "maybe it will help Norio if he actually spends some time with Akaya. Or at least talk to him. Maybe, as retrogrades, they can figure something out."

Norio's expression brightened. "Yeah. I mean, it's worth a shot."

"Why don't you come to the tournament tomorrow?" Yanagi suggested. "You'll be able to meet Akaya there."

Norio looked eagerly at Kunimasa, who only shrugged.

"Isn't this why we came?" Kunimasa asked. "We'll go."

"How long are you two staying here, anyway?" Sanada asked. Not that he was particularly unhappy his cousins were visiting, but Kunimasa could be somewhat anti-social (and Sanada was anti-social enough for one household), and Yonekuni's ingrained hatred of men had issues of its own.

"Just two nights," Yonekuni answered. "Tomorrow night my mate will be here as well. Your mother's insisting we have a family dinner."

Sanada shuddered at the thought of a family dinner. Last time his cousins had come to visit, the waiter had accidentally brushed Yonekuni's fingers while taking away the menu, and had ended up it the hospital. Kunimasa, on the other hand, had let his eyes (and hands) wonder over to a pretty young fox at another table, leading to a very public fight with his then-girlfriend. Although Sanada had heard that Kunimasa was a changed man, now that he was with Norio.

The more worrying factor was Yukimura. This time around, Kentarou was sure to bring his boyfriend, which meant their mother would probably try to start some drama.

"Is that really necessary?" Sanada asked.

"If you don't like it," Yonekuni replied, "go talk to your mom about it. At any rate, she wants to take us to some new restaurant that's opened up. Also, Sanada, it seems as though I'm also in a similar situation with your ex-fiance."

"You mean Atobe?" Sanada asked, not really surprised that the news of their failed engagement had already made its way through the family.

"It seems we're both dating rare species, put under spells to seem like monkeys."

Yanagi raised an eyebrow at that, now intrigued to meet Yonekuni's girlfriend. To think that the Sanada-Madarame family family was such a windfall of exotic specimens. Well, considering they were all heavy-weights, Yanagi supposed he shouldn't be that surprised. At any rate, it seemed as though the conversation had died down, and Yanagi got up to leave.

"Well," Yanagi said, "it seems like it's getting pretty late, so I think I'll be going home now. We do have some tennis matches to play tomorrow, after all."

"Yeah," Norio agreed, "I'm pretty tired from traveling here."

"You two know where the guest rooms are," Sanada said to his cousins, "so make yourselves at home."

"I suppose I should go to sleep as well," Yukimura said. He got up and headed upstairs, throwing a casual wave back behind him. "Good night, every one."

Yukimura suddenly felt extremely tired as he made his way up the stairs. He supposed he still had yet to recover from his disease, at least not completely, and they had spent all day strategizing about their upcoming matches. That and all the madararui talk and he was about to pass out.

He stumbled into Kentarou's bedroom, noting in the back of his mind that Kentarou was wearing something very leathery and very strappy, and had a cherry red gag in his mouth. In addition to that, he was tied to all four bed posts.

"Did you know," Yukimura said, "that your cousins Kunimasa and Yonekuni are here?"

Yukimura pulled off his shirt and pants as he sat down on the bed.

"They're very interesting."

Kentarou was mumbling something, but Yukimura couldn't make it out.

"What's that, dear? I can't hear you with that gag in your mouth."

Yukimura laid down, contemplating the Sanada family. He wondered if Kentarou had any other strange relatives that would come out of the woodwork. It would certainly make things interesting. He laid an arm across Kentarou's stomach and kissed the other boy's chin.

"Good night, Kentarou."

Kentarou was making a noise that sounded equal parts disappointed and frustrated, but Yukimura was already drifting off to sleep.

* * *

Yanagi didn't know what possessed him to take such a meandering path home. He had never been one to enjoy aimless walks, and he had to get back to his home soon if he wanted to get a full night's worth of sleep. Although he wasn't particularly worried about their matches tomorrow. . . Kabuto wouldn't give them any problems, and neither would Kuroshio or Nagoya, despite the latter's recruitment of foreign players.

But he had felt such a deep sense of nostalgia, sitting in Sanada's dining room with Sanada and Yukimura. He remembered when they had met, the first day of their first year as students at Rikkai. They had been so little. Yukimura had been all arrogance tempered with false sweetness, and they had been completely taken in by his easy kind of confidence. Yukimura had proceeded to beat them both on the tennis courts, of course, swiftly and easily, and Sanada had nearly cried over it, despite his scowling otherwise. They had been fast friends, confidants in the tennis club, vowing to win Nationals for as long as they were together. And now they were together again, despite the illness that had threatened to take Yukimura away from them.

But the National tournament would be over in a few days. And Yanagi was smart enough to know they wouldn't be together for much longer, the three of them. Where would life take them, he wondered. Sanada had Akaya now, however much the two of them denied it. Yukimura had Kentarou, at least until Yukimura grew bored with him. And Yanagi. . . all Yanagi had were memories from a childhood that now felt so far away, of tennis on hot summer afternoons, scattered notebooks, and strangely-colored liquid concoctions.

There was a small movement in the grass then, something strange enough that Yanagi decided to check it out. He pulled back to grass blades where he heard the noise, and saw a small green and white snake.

"Kaidoh Kaouru?" he asked, a little but surprised to find Inui's kouhei here in this kind of state.

There was a small hiss, but Kaidoh couldn't really respond in his current condition. Yanagi leaned down to brush his fingers across Kaidoh's skin. The snake shivered at the touch. He felt a little cold, Yanagi thought. Strange, considering how hot it was that night.

"What happened to you?" Yanagi asked.

Well, it's not as though he could leave the boy here. Kaidoh didn't really seem like he was in critical condition, so it probably wasn't too much to worry about, but he probably shouldn't be spending the night sleeping on the hard ground. Yanagi unzipped his jacket and picked Kaidoh up in his hands, slipping him inside to nestle against his stomach.

Kaidoh was silent as Yanagi made his way home, still except for his slow breathing. Once he got back to his room, Yanagi was at a momentary loss as to what to do. Eventually he settled on making a nest of some towels, with a lamp overhead it. He picked Kaidoh up and deposited him in the towels, hoping that would be enough warmth for the other boy.

He ran his fingers over Kaidoh's spine, eliciting another shiver, though Kaidoh seemed now to be asleep. Really, thought Yanagi, this had been entirely unexpected.

"It's okay," he said, hoping that his tone was comforting enough. "I'll take care of you."

Yanagi shut off the lights, leaving the lamp on, and climbed into his bed. He'd have to ask Kaidoh what had happened when he woke up.

Kaidoh was having a really hard time opening his eyes. The last thing he remembered was drinking a thermos of some drink Inui had given him. It wasn't one of his stranger concoctions. It was more of a protein and vitamin shake then anything else, but apparently Inui had used something that wasn't quite compatible with Kaidoh's madararui body. Which wasn't surprising, considering Inui was a monkey and didn't really know about these things, but Kaidoh found himself losing control of his kon-gen. Before he knew it he was in snake form on the ground, his mind covered in some sort of haze.

He didn't remember much after that. Just fingers, warm and gentle, ghosting down his skin. Soothing words whispered around him. A sweet, dizzying smell. And now, opening his eyes, Kaidoh was aware of soft terry cloth all around him, and soft enveloping light.

Kaidoh coiled and then stretched, slowly controlling his kon-gen until he was in human form again, and stepped off where he was sitting on the desk. He could make out a figure on the bed, and he stepped closer to see who had saved him. He was somewhat surprised to see that it was Yanagi Renji. . . Inui-senpai's childhood friend, Kaidoh remembered, and he scowled a little bit at the thought.

But then Yanagi's hand was wrapped around his wrist, pulling him into the bed. Kaidoh could feel the flush that started spreading throughout his body as his back came into contact with Yanagi's chest. A soft snore, and Kaidoh realized Yanagi was still asleep. Then, a whisper, enough to make Kaidoh freeze.

"Sadaharu. . . " soft, almost reverent, and Yanagi's arm wrapped around Kaidoh's waist as he buried his nose in Kaidoh's hair.

Kaidoh was sure he wasn't flushed anymore. In fact, he felt all of a sudden cool. Kaidoh managed to disentangle himself from Yanagi's arms without waking the other boy, and looked down at him sadly. He really should go, and get some sleep in his own bed before tomorrow.

A few hours later, Yanagi's alarm went off. He opened his eyes to see that Kaidoh was gone, the lamp off and a stack of towels neatly folded beside it.