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Levi's Recollections	By : konokoz Category: +. to F > Attack on Titan /Shingeki No Kyojin Views: 1003 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Attack on Titan/Shingeki no Kyojin or any of the characters. This story is purely for entertainment, and I am not profiting from it.

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
- 9
It was strange. This man known as the Devil Commander never got angry at me. No matter how much I insulted him, he would either have a quip back or just laugh. I think he enjoyed it. Idiot masochist.
He shouted at me in front of the higher ups, but it wasn’t real anger. It just showed that he was keeping his troops in line.
However, there was one time he did genuinely get angry at me.
The expeditions were becoming a lot more dangerous, yet he kept me back from many of them. I had just lost my team. I was pissed, disgusted, hurt, and ready to slaughter any titan that came into my line of sight, yet he said no.
The military had been up our asses because of the stunt with Eren and that female titan. Hell was breaking loose at that very moment with the colossal titan and the armored titan suddenly appearing and snatching Eren and Ymir. This whole ordeal was chaotic.
I needed to be out there, yet he was forcing me to stay behind and guard the wall and babysit the damn military police.
“Why the hell are you holding me back?” I barked at him in his office when he assigned me as a babysitter to a group of grown ass men. “I need to be out there with the rest of you.”
He glanced at me while silently getting ready to go on the mission to save Eren and capture the traitors. He fiddled with the bottom buttons of his shirt.
“Well?!” I shouted.
“No.” He said. “You just lost your squad and almost your life. You need to cool off here.”
“I’m fine now. We lose squads all the time.” I said, but I didn’t mean for it to sound so callous coming out. Plus, I really did feel better. I could move. That was enough.
“Which is why we can’t afford to lose you right now,” he said, now trying to button his middle buttons. “You’re different.”
Perhaps he said that to make me feel better, but it actually pissed me off more.
“What the hell are you saying?”
He didn’t say anything, and his eyes were focused on his top buttons.
He had been acting so stupid and muddled since the mission we got Eren back from the female titan. Very unlike him. It didn’t show to the troops, or the higher ups, but I noticed it clear as day. Nothing he was saying was making any sense. Especially now.
I’m different? Wasn’t he the one in the beginning saying that I only thought I was and that was gonna get me killed? I wasn’t in any doubt. I knew what I had to do. He was the only barrier in my way.
“Answer me.” I demanded.
“There are way too many risks factors in this mission,” he answered finally finished with his shirt. “If the scouts lose you and Eren, we won’t stand a chance. You’re smart enough to know that some lives are more important than others, and you need to stay back.”
I couldn’t control myself. I kicked a pretty good size hole in his office wall.
“That’s a bullshit excuse!” I growled in his face, and he didn’t look amused. “You were the one spouting in the beginning that I’m no different from any of them. My life isn’t any better than theirs and I know that now. There are always ‘risk factors’ for every mission, but I’m not gonna sit here with my thumb in the mouths of those inner wall bastards while our friends are out there risking their lives for this rescue mission! For such a calculating commander, you sure are acting like a batshit loon right now!”
I was ready to walk out. “I’m going out there to save Eren and the others. If I die, I die, but I’m not abandoning my comrades.”
It’s not like I was intending to die on this mission. I just knew that without me too many other people would. He wasn’t gonna keep me from this mission. The only thing on my mind was getting out there and slicing open those traitors and rescuing the scouts.
He grabbed my arm as my foot passed the door’s threshold and twisted me around to face him.
“I gave you a direct order, Corporal Levi Ackerman.” His voice was low and serious, and his blue eyes sharp. “If you disobey my command, I will throw you in jail for insubordination.”
I was stunned for a moment. This wasn’t a show. There were no mucky-mucks around to impress. No clever quip or grin. He was seriously angry.
My anger was normal, expected quite a bit, his not.
This wasn’t his first threat of jail time to me, and those never held any weight either, but I felt in my bones, from the vice grip of his arm, to the dead serious look of fire burning behind his darkening eyes that if I left for this mission, he would personally throw me in the dungeon under the capital right then.
Still, he wasn’t going to stop me.
“At least I can rot in prison knowing I wasn’t sitting around like a coward.” I spat the last word at him and jerked out of his grip.
“You aren’t going anywhere, Levi.” His voice was rising. “We’re so close to solving the mystery behind the titans. I can feel it. This mission is too dangerous, and too much of our resources and men will be at stake.”
“You aren’t making any sense! If that’s true, then send me out there to back them up.”
“No. You’re too much of a vital weapon for the sake of humanity.”
“So why the hell aren’t I out there saving humanity then?”
He stood silent.
“Answer me, you bastard!”
He shouted. “If you go out there, you will die, and you are not allowed to die before me!”
I stood dumbfounded, processing what he just said.
You…are not…allowed to die….before me…
That was what he said loud and clear. I remember it…..embarrassed me.
He also looked embarrassed or maybe it was shame, like he was holding onto a secret that absolutely no one was supposed to know, and he just blabbed his mouth. The sharpness from his eyes faded and he quickly looked as if he were exhausted.
“You’re all that’s left for me to hold onto my humanity,” he said quietly. “As horrible as that sounds against the other soldiers,” he slumped back in a nearby chair and sighed like a tired old man. “We’re so close to the truth. I just know it…..and I don’t care if everyone else is dead, but I want you there with me when we find the truth. And if you die….” he held his head in his hands. “I really am a selfish bastard.”
There was a knot in my throat, and suddenly I felt exhausted too. Looking down at him, I noticed his skin was going paler, and top of his hair was sprouting gray hairs. Things I never noticed before. And the only thing I could feel when I saw him like that was a sense of pity. Not a condescending pity, but a sincere almost heart wrenching pity.
This poor fool.
I sat next to him on the armrest of his chair.
“Yeah. You are.”
- 7
- 8
- 9
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Levi's Recollections