Inertia

How long have I stood outside, looking back up at you, like an outcast from paradise?

An hour?

Ten minutes?

A second?

All night?

Little bits of glass still ride the wind. Cutting little snowflakes. I blink and wonder how many microscopic bits I am collecting in my eyes.

Can you see me, Tohma? Did you know I could be bleeding, again?

Can’t I… go back up there?

You said it was my choice. But you were the one who closed the door. You were the one who doesn’t want this. Your weakness- it’s my strength…

I light a cigarette and smoke plumes like a magic beacon that triggers a series of unperceivable events, like a game of physics/dominos. They lead to your light coming on. A flash- countless electrons streaming through the blue-black night. They frame you, Tohma. And even with through these tears I can see that light become your golden aura.

Even far away you are beautiful. So high in the sky, it’s like the stars are easier to reach. But I can see you. I step Yuki can’t love you, I want to say. And Eiri doesn’t know how. I can’t say it, at all.

“What do I have to be? What is it you want?”

“I don’t want this!”

Somehow I pulled him into my arms, or he found his way there. He buries his nose in my shirt, taking in our scent.

It doesn’t drive him away.

“I’ll be the one to call you Eiri.”

“Wh-wh-what?”

I nearly fall back to the ground, but he defies physics and catches me. His hands hold me at the hip, and with some unquantifiable strength I am saved.

“Is that what it takes?”

Is it? I gasp.

“Eiri…” For the first time I realize he’s not crying. No. He’s almost smiling. Almost. The promise disappears when he looks back up at your window. “Let’s just go home. We can talk without an audience.”

He gives me one more hard hug, this time rubbing under my jacket, where you can’t see.

I look up. You’re standing there, watching us, with the light on, again.

“Take me home,” I tell Shi. I flick my smoke, then wrap my arm around him, not sure if I am a boy or a man as I begin to walk away.

I… I can’t help it. I have to look up at you…

You put one hand on your lips. Then you press your hand to your chest. I feel it, like a gossamer fairy wing on my cheek.

This is goodbye.

To the past.

To my boyhood.

To you: My Tohma.

I look ahead, and walk in crooked steps. I squeeze Shi’s shoulder for reassurance. Somehow I want to find absolution in these kinds of tokens and gestures, with him. Maybe… I can let him do that for me, one day.

“I should stay with Hiro tonight.”

Son of a bitch! He would have to say something so asinine…“Why on earth… would you say… that?” I stop and grind my teeth.

“But I won’t. Yu-“ He takes a deep breath. “I mean, Eiri… I can’t leave you. But that doesn’t mean you can treat me bad. Okay? You should actually treat me better, because I have no choice. You understand?”

I look back at your window. The light’s gone out.

No. I don’t think I understand. It’s not something a boy or bastard can do. Only a man. Maybe… that’s what you meant when you made me leave. I can’t treat him this way, anymore. I can’t do that and be the kind of man you could love, Tohma.

Goodbye.





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