Realities of Life

Disclaimer: Gravitation is not mine and I make no money from using the characters.

NC 17


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Realities of Life


Chapter 9
The Perfect Drug

The perfect drug

I got my head, but my head is unraveling
Can’t keep control, can’t keep track of where it’s traveling
I got my heart but my heart is no good
And you’re the only one that’s understood

I come along but I don’t know where you’re taking me
I shouldn’t go but you’re reaching back and shaking me
Turn off the sun, pull the stars from the sky
The more I give to you, the more I die

And I want you
You are the perfect drug

A subtle noise woke me and I opened my eyes to stare up at an unfamiliar ceiling. Shadows, brought to life by the moonlight, danced across the walls. My eyes followed my ears and tried to track down the source of the noise, but it was somewhere beyond the open French doors. I could not see past the filmy white curtains that billowed softly in the gentle breeze.

Where was I?

I reached out and touched a warm body next to me. An unknown voice muttered something incoherent to me in answer.

Who the hell was that?

It certainly wasn't Eiri.

Eiri. Oh, gods. A tidal wave of visions washed over me and I nearly whimpered with the renewed memories of everything that I had done and had been done to me.

Panic assailed me. Not this again. Not again!

That noise caught my attention again and I observed, almost remotely, as an ethereal figure advance towards me through the open doors and past the obscuring of the curtains. I felt like I was in an eerie vampire movie. I watched his body move closer to me in smooth, fluid motions, as though he were made of liquid. In the moonlight, his eyes had a strange, wolf-like glow and shimmers of light glinted off of a multitude of earrings.

"Shuichi," the figure whispered to me.

"Ryu? What are you doing here?" I said in wonder.

He stepped close enough so that I could see his piercing stare of clarity, "Maybe a better question would be what are you doing here? Do you intend to hide in a haze of drugs and booze for the rest of your life?"

This was a surreal experience. I stared at the possible drug-induced vision of Sakuma Ryuichi. Why would I have a vision of Ryu, of all people? Come to think of it, I'd never had visions before, no matter what state I was in.

"Shuichi," he said insistently. "What will you do?"

I was startled by the tears that suddenly sprung from my eyes and I gasped out, "I don't know, Ryu. I've fucked everything up."

"How is that possible, Shu?" His voice softened. "There are so many people that love and care for you."

"But not..." that was all I could get out, I was crying so hard.

"Not who, Shu?" He asked gently. "Who is it that you truly love?” His voice dropped to a whisper again, "Who is it that you wish to spend your days with?"

"Someone that wants me dead," I choked out through my sobs.

Ryu's eyes narrowed and he leaned closer so that I could see his intense, lucid stare, "Who wants you dead? Well, other than yourself, anyway. It's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself, Shuichi. Try to see things clearly. Don't let doubt and insecurity cloud your heart. Be strong, I know you can be."

He turned and retreated back through the open doors, his voice fading as he moved away, "Otherwise you'll end up packing around a stuffed pink bunny and quoting Lewis Carroll. Be strong and get your priorities straight."

I watched as he disappeared.



"Hey!!" A loud voice shouted at me, "I said wake up!"

I opened my eyes to see Kai standing at the foot of the bed.

Sitting up, I yawned and stretched. I wasn’t feeling very well, but probably better than I had any right to. "You're not very pretty to wake up to, Kai."

"Get dressed. It's time for you to go home," he growled at me, tossing me my clothes.

I looked at him, "Why? Did I break a rule or something?"

He sighed, "No, but too many people know that you’re here. People that I don't need to have on my case."

I pulled my t-shirt over my head, "What people? And when?"

"Night before last, Kyo was here with Seguchi Tohma, a crazy American with a gun, and some other blond guy."

Damn that Kyo, why couldn't he keep his big mouth shut?

Kai handed me a cup of coffee, "Seguchi is the kind of trouble I don't need, Shu. I let it go for a little while, but he’s set his dogs on me. I can’t hold him off much longer."

So, Tohma had been here. Not to mention Kyo and K. Wait... "Kai, what did the other blond guy look like?"

The big man shrugged, "He didn't say anything. The guy with the gun kept him away from me. He did have some strange eyes, though. Like a cat."

It couldn't be. Kyo and Eiri together? Gods, I was totally screwed.

"Oh yeah, " Kai continued, "it looked like that blond guy had been in a fight. Now that I think about it, Kyo looked like he'd been in a fight as well." He studied me for a moment, "Hey, Cat-eyes isn't your heartbreaker, is he?"

"Shut up, Kai," I snarled as I stood and finished dressing.

He laughed his big, booming laugh, “So that’s him, huh? What’d he do to break your heart? Sleep with Seguchi?”

I shook my head and thought about how ironic his question was, “Nah. He tried to run me down with his car.”

His smile melted, “Really? No shit?” He flopped into a nearby chair, shaking his head. “Interesting that he would try to come get you after that. That’s a seriously fucked up relationship, Shu.”

Throwing my hands in the air I said, “Thank you! That’s what I’ve been saying!”

“Still,” Kai said as he continued to watch me, “he must have some intense feelings for you if he pursued you here. Not to mention fighting Kyo over you.”

I scoffed, “How do you know he fought Kyo?”

He shrugged again, “Everyone knows how Kyo feels about you. I can’t imagine that he’d sit still after someone tried to hurt you.”

Come to think about it, Kyo had been very upset over the whole incident. Almost as upset by it as I was. I’d never seen Kyo like that before.

I sat on the edge of the bed, “Hey, Kai, how well do you know Kyo?”

He smiled, “We go way back. Come from the same… background, so to speak.” He watched me carefully, “Kyo’s not a man to cross, Shuichi. He may seem all sweetness and light, but he can be very dangerous when pushed. Cat-eyes should tread lightly, if you know what I mean.”

Oh, good. I was totally screwed.

Why couldn’t I be attracted to a normal person?

Normal. A thought suddenly occurred to me, “Kai, you haven’t let Sakuma Ryuichi on the grounds have you?”

“Sakuma? No, he hasn’t been here in ages.”

“What?” I was shocked. “He used to come here?”

Kai nodded, “Yeah. A lot. Back when my brother was running the show and I was just comic relief.”

Sipping my coffee I looked over the rim I said, “You’re sure he hasn’t been here?”

He laughed again, “Positive. Why?”

“I had a weird dream… ” Shaking my head, I said, “Never mind.”

I sipped my coffee again.

“So, Shu,” Kai looked closely at me. “What will you do now? Will you visit Mr. Heartbreaker?”

“Tch,” I sneered. “I don’t think so.”

I wondered if Eiri was home. Part of me ached to see him and part of me knew that, if I did, I would be making a terrible mistake.

“Are you sure, tough guy? Seems like your heartbreaker really has a hold on you.”

“Yeah,” I laughed. “Just like any other bad habit.”

“You know, I had a girlfriend once that tried to run me down with her car,” he gave me a gentle smile of memory. “Yeah, that girl and I, we had quite the passionate relationship. Out of all the women I’ve been with, she was –well, she is– the one I wish I’d kept around. I still miss her.”

I looked at him incredulously.

“Shuichi,” he said quietly, “what I’m trying to say is if you can’t get him out of your mind, maybe that should tell you something. Even I can see how much he means to you, in spite of everything. Maybe the whole thing is fixable. Maybe you should talk to him.”

I shook my head, “You don’t understand. Eiri doesn’t talk.”

“You don’t mean Yuki Eiri, do you?” His eyes widened, “The same guy you were moaning about a year ago? This guy is under your skin deep. Oh, for fuck’s sake, Shu, get your priorities straight and fix it already!”

Priorities. I rubbed my hands over my face and felt the salt tracks of tears. Had I been crying in my sleep? That had been a dream, hadn’t it?

“I’m going now,” I growled.

He nodded and handed me a paper sack, “Hikaru-chan said I should give this to you. Good luck, Shu. Don’t come back until the heat blows off of you a little.”

“I love you, too,” I grumbled as I left.

I got on my bike and thought about where I should go. I opened the paper sack and took a look. My long hair was there, carefully and neatly twisted into a tight braid. Ugh.

I needed to check on my cat, but I was afraid that Yuki would be there. Who knows how he would react to me now.

It had only been a couple of days since I destroyed his car. And let someone else fuck me. It was too much to hope that Eiri didn’t know about Kyo and me. I knew I couldn’t be that fortunate.

Ugh. I slipped off the bike, leaned over and retched up coffee and bile, dry-heaving until I thought I would puke up my intestines. As I stood there, on the side of the road, shaking with weakness from partying too hard and intense self-loathing, I thought about my Ryuichi dream again.

Priorities. What were my priorities?

I got back on the bike and started it with unsteady fingers. I needed to sing. But first, I need to see Mirai. She would knock some sense into me. And maybe I could get her to check on my cat.


"You're early," she said as she opened the door. "I thought you would be another day or so."

"You've been expecting me?" I asked.

Nodding, she said, "Yes. Inoue and Yuki have both been here looking for you."

Ugh.

"Shu, you look like hell. And what did you do to your hair? You look like a punk." She sighed and said quietly, "I suppose you haven't been eating again. Should I make you something?"

"Look, Mirai, I'm sorry," I turned back towards the door. "I think maybe it was a mistake, coming here."

"If you’re looking for sympathy, you were correct about coming to the wrong place." She glared at me and crossed her arms. "Do you think its okay to run off like that and worry everyone to death? We know your track record, after all, and gods only know what you've been up to."

"Are you done?" I snapped.

Shaking her head she said, "Not in the least, but I know that you've already started tuning me out, so what's the point?" She sighed again, "Look, why don't you take a shower, you still have a pile of clothes here. I'll make you something to eat."

I leaned against the door, "I don't think I could keep it down Mirai."

"Oh, Shu," her eyes had filled with tears of worry, "what are we going to do with you?"

Why do I seem to bring misery everywhere I go?

"I'll take a shower and then I'll try to eat. Okay?" Enough of this, I was weary of hurting everyone.

She waved her hand dismissively at me, "Go."

I felt a little better after the shower. Mirai gave me some easy-on-the-stomach comfort food and I did the best I could, picking at the rice and slurping down some miso. She watched my every movement until she finally surrendered and took away my dishes.

She brought us some coffee and sat down.

We sat in silence for a while until I managed to gain enough courage to ask, "So, did Kyo seem mad?"

"No," she said softly. "But he is hurt. And worried."

Ugh. Misery.

"What happened, Shu?' She was so caring, so full of tenderness. Hadn’t I been like that once?

"Mirai, it's ugly. You may not..." I felt the tears coming. I swallowed hard and pushed them away, "You may not want me to stay after I tell you."

She leaned back, "Did you sleep with Inoue?"

"Yes." I couldn't look her in the eyes.

"Did you do it out of love or out of spite?" Ah, twenty questions. She was making this as easy as she could for me.

I inhaled sharply and said, "I'm not sure. I thought it was love when I started, but it didn't turn out that way."

She nodded, "So, spite. Not intentionally, maybe, but out of spite nonetheless."

"Yes." My eyes watered again and I blinked furiously. Kyo. How could I have done that to him? He didn't deserve that.

"Was it because you were mad at Yuki?"

The nightmare of Eiri and the car played through my mind again and the tears came pouring out of me.

"How could he do that to me, Mirai?" My voice cracked, and I was oblivious to the fact that she probably did not know what I was talking about. "How could he leave me again? He said he wouldn’t. And I told myself that I wouldn't let him hurt me – that I wouldn't let him into my heart again. How could he do this to me?" My façade had broken and now I was ranting like a lunatic.

After a few moments, Mirai finally said, "Are you sure you've treated him fairly, Shu?" She picked her words carefully before continuing, "After all, Inoue's arrival must have been very difficult for Yuki to handle. He's very jealous and protective when it comes to you. Not to mention the fact that… Well, sometimes you tend to jump to conclusions."

I was silent. She was right.

"And from what I could tell from my conversation with Inoue, maybe you were giving him some mixed signals." She smiled, "There's one thing I can guarantee about men, Shu. If they want you and you give them mixed signals, they'll follow you to the ends of the Earth. They are not bright enough to see your confusion, so you have to be crystal clear. Even then, all bets are off sometimes."

"I think I've just been insulted," I grumbled at her.

She giggled, “No, you, my dear, react more like a woman than you should at times. That’s your biggest problem. Right now you’re trying to make everyone happy and you can’t. All that ever accomplishes is making everyone miserable, especially you.”

I sighed. The tears were still falling, but since I had confessed it out loud, it didn’t hurt quite as much as it had. Between tears, I asked, “How did you get so smart, Mirai?”

“Because, like you, I always pick the most difficult ones to love.”

I thought about the fact that I was on the list of the “difficult ones” she loved, and here she was, comforting me. She really was a remarkable woman. I hoped she would find happiness.

“How was,” I cleared my throat and started again, “how was Eiri?”

“He’s a mess, that one is.” She said quietly. “As usual, he didn’t say much, but his body language was guarded. He wouldn’t look me in the eye and kept his face downcast as if he were ashamed and didn’t want to let anyone see it. What did he do to you Shu?”

“Well,” suddenly, I didn’t know how to explain what happened. Yeah, he’d tried to run me down, but Kyo had pushed some major insanity buttons on Eiri. Saying, “He tried to run me down” didn’t really tell the story.

I didn’t even want to think about the cheating thing. That hurt was the worst of all.

“He got mad and acted like Eiri.” I settled on that.

“So, he overreacted and, maybe, did something to hurt you?” She nodded, “That would explain why Inoue is so angry.”

That had been easier than I thought it would be. She was sharp.

“Well,” she smiled at me, “can you forgive Yuki for trying to hurt you? That’s the question now. And who will you make your priority?”

There was that stupid word again.

“I think my priority is me, right now,” I growled. “I have to get myself straightened out before I can tell anyone else what I want.”

“That is an excellent answer, Shu,” she was grinning now. “You must love yourself before you are capable of loving another. But first, I think you need to sleep for a while. You look terrible.”

“Gee, thanks, Mirai.” I was a little worn out.

“I just call it as I see ‘em, Shu. Go sleep.”

“Mirai? Could you check on my cat?”

“Oh, I knew you would ask me that. Yuki said to tell you the cat is okay.” She shook her head, “Apparently, he likes that evil, mean thing.”

“Of course he does,” I said as I yawned. “They are just alike.”

“Shu, honey,” she looked at me deeply. “In spite of the fact that he is a total jerk much of the time, the guy really loves you. Almost as much as you love him.”

“Thanks, Mirai,” I smiled at her. “I’ll try to keep that in mind.”



I tried to sleep, I really did. But I couldn’t. I kept thinking about my priorities.

That stupid dream Ryuichi.

Getting up, I dressed and wandered into the kitchen. Mirai was gone, most likely to work. She had left me some food and a note of encouragement about keeping on track.

I ate what I could, cleaned up my dishes, and left.

I really needed to sing.

As I rode to the studio, I decided that there were a few things I would need to do. I needed to record the final track for our latest CD. Then, I needed to apologize to Kyo.

And Eiri. Well, I would deal with Eiri later.

Walking into the studio I glanced at the clock on the wall. It was 12:22 P.M. My sense of time had never been good, but I hadn’t realized it was so late. A couple of days of drug-induced escapism tended to make me lose perspective.

I located a coffeepot and poured myself a cup. I wasn’t sure how good my voice would be, after partying like mad and not sleeping for a few days, but sometimes that made for a more interesting sound.

I had just walked into the recording booth, wondering how I would accomplish recording this song on my own, when Tohma showed up. Ah, now that was expected. Although, maybe not quite so soon. He must have had security keeping an eye out for me.

As usual, speaking with Tohma was a mind-boggling experience. But in the end, I found that I had agreed to go to London with Hiro to see Kyo.

It was an odd thing for me to want to do, but I felt centered suddenly. I wanted to focus on trying to clean up the mess I’d made of my life. Kai, Mirai, and the dream Ryuichi’s words were haunting me. After recording the song, I decided that I would see Kyo. I would face that guilt and tackle the pain I had dealt him. At least, this way, I would be able to apologize to him face-to-face.

That would also give me some time away from Eiri. I needed time to clear my head of everything that we had just been through so that I could decide if I wanted to continue our relationship.

He needed to think about that, also. I tended to be a lot to handle these days. After everything we’d done to each other, I just didn’t know if we were a feasible combination anymore.

But deep in my heart, I wanted us to be. More than ever.

So, Tohma helped me record the song, it was a heart wrenching, sing-from-the-depths-of-your-despair, break-up tune that had been inspired by Kyosuke and his playing of Moonlight Sonata for me so long ago.

It was ironic that Kyo had been the one to bring that out of me. Right before I ripped his heart out and stomped on it. I could really be an asshole when I wanted to be.

“Shuichi-san,” Tohma said quietly through the speakers when I finished, “I think that is your finest song to date. Well done.”

I stared at him and tried to process what had just happened. Tohma and just praised me. Huh. He must be very glad to be getting rid of me.

“Uh, thanks.” I said warily. Nothing is ever as it seems with Seguchi Tohma.

Before I left, Tohma explained that he would have the jet ready to go the next day. He would also have a car pick up both Hiro and I. He would contact Kyo and set up transportation to pick us up from the airport. In short, he would take care of everything.

It was creepy, but understandable if he was trying to get me away from Eiri for a while. That was what I suspected was happening, and that was fine with me.


I rode my bike home for the last time. Tomorrow I would take one final ride with it to Hiro’s. Once there I would give the beauty to him.

No more moving vehicles for me until I got a license. If I could get a license, that is.

I opened the door to my apartment and as I suspected and feared, Eiri was there, like a predator lying in wait for his prey. We glared at each other for several minutes of uncomfortable silence.

“What are you doing here?” I finally asked.

He answered me with silence.

I walked past him and into the bedroom. I pulled out a couple of bags and began throwing clothes into them.

Eiri had followed me in and was watching me intently, “Going somewhere?”

To be honest, I had no idea what was going on inside that horribly twisted mind of his, but I did know that, whatever it was, it was dark and walking the edge of sanity. Unfortunately, I don’t usually heed such warnings when it might be wise for me to keep my mouth shut.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but yeah, I am going somewhere,” I snapped at him.

“Where?” He demanded of me.

I was tired. I was physically tired from partying and lack of sleep. I was emotionally tired from worry and anger. I was mentally tired from trying to figure out my totally fucked up relationship with Eiri. I really wanted everything to go away for a while.

I sat on the edge of the bed. Oh, gods, I was tired, I rubbed my eyes.

“Why my car, Shuichi?”

Calling me by my name, now that was unbelievably low of him.

My eyes lifted to meet his glare and the anger that had blossomed in me was so fierce that I had to fight to keep a cruel, humorless grin from my face as I hissed, “Why your car? Because you love your car, that’s why, Eiri. Because it’s important to you!”

I stood up and I realized that I was shouting, but I didn’t care, “Because I wanted to hurt you, you bastard! That’s why!”

He grabbed my arm and squeezed, I could see the ferocious anger in him. He said low and dangerously, “Is that why you let Inoue fuck you as well? Because you wanted to hurt me?”

“Let go of me, Eiri,” I spat at him as I attempted to peel his fingers from my arm. “I have nothing left to say to you.”

He tightened his grip and grasped my other arm as well, “Where are you going?”

“To London!” I shouted at him.

“With Inoue?” His eyes were almost completely dilated as he shook me. “Are you going with him?”

“Let go, Eiri!” I was beginning to panic as I tried to wrench myself free from his viselike grip. He was really starting to scare me.

He threw me on the bed and, before I could move, he had pinned my hands over my head and was kissing me and ripping off my shirt. His hand dipped lower and he tugged my pants open. This was not an act of love he was performing on me now, this was...

“No!” I shouted at him, struggling against him like a madman, fear clutching at my heart. “Don’t do this! Please don’t, Eiri!”

This couldn’t be happening. Eiri and I had been through a lot in our relationship, but if he did this, if he raped me, I wasn’t sure I could take it.

This was a point of no return for us.

“STOP IT, YUKI!!” I choked out a scream between my sobs.

He stopped his movements abruptly and looked at me with intense confusion. He sat up slowly and I watched through my tears as the look in his eyes changed from cruel to horrified as he realized what he’d been about to do.

I rolled to my side and curled into a fetal position, sobs still shaking me as I fought through some rather nasty memories. I couldn’t stop the tearing, ripping weeping that racked my body.

I felt the weight of a blanket as it was draped over me carefully. I heard him whisper to me, and I could tell that his voice thick with his own tears, but I couldn’t hear what he said.

He gently touched what was left of my hair and I involuntarily flinched away from him.

Moments later I heard the front door open and then close as he left me.


The next day, I found that I was happy when the jet soared into the sky as Hiro and I left Tokyo behind. Maybe London could be a new life, a new beginning for me.

Lyrics by Nine Inch Nails