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How to Save a Life	By : saxonjesus Category: +. to F > D. Gray Man Views: 4511 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
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Chapter List
- 8
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Chapter 9�I Want To Hold Your Hand

Him that I love, I wish to be
free�even from me.

�� ---Anne Morrow
Lindbergh

October 18

Once again, Lavi found himself in Lenalee�s faux-sweet clutches. She
was quickly becoming his confidante, which was in
itself quite disturbing, seeing as Bookmen shouldn�t require confidantes.

�Now tell me, Lavi, how did that make you feel?� Lenalee asked
pensively, tapping her clipboard with a ballpoint pen and adjusting her
glasses. Perhaps he could have taken her seriously, but every time he tried,
the fake beard jumped out at him and all solemnity was lost.

�I�ve told you already, Lenalee�� Lavi said, trailing off so as to
stifle another snicker.

�Yes, you�ve told me how it made you feel, but not how it made you feel.� She emphasized the last word like
there was a difference. Lavi didn�t see it.

�There�s a difference?� He asked, deciding it was just best to follow
her lead, she being his new psychiatrist and all.

�Yes!� Lenalee said exasperatedly, rolling her eyes and throwing her
hands in the air. Her beard fell off and hit the ground.

Smiling and holding back yet more laughter, Lavi asked her to please
clarify whatever the hell she meant.

�Well, it�s like the difference between like
and like or cute and cute. Girls just� know. Guys, on the other hand, are dumb animals that need the aid
of proper womanly masters to even have a chance at understanding. You, being
gay, are ahead of the pack. You should be proud.�

Lavi had never felt less appreciated, even when Yuu had dumped his
pudding on him for being an �annoying chatterbox stuck on repeat.� It had taken

�I�m not,� he said, pouting.

�Well, you should be,� Lenalee retorted. Then, rapping him rather
harshly on the arm with a nearby meter stick (she was a Geometry major and
supposedly needed it), she continued, �Anyway, the difference between feel and feel is� feel is what your body feels,
the emotions and the reactions and the like, but feel� feel is that little
spark that you get when you stare at his hot, shirtless bod.
Feel is that little voice in the back
of your head that likes to pop images of your loved�or liked�one in your mind
while you�re masturbating.�

Lavi blushed. He�d done that once or twice before Bookman had caught
him at it (embarrassing) and explained to him that such activities could lead
to attachments (even though he�d been looking at porn on redtube
and so couldn�t possibly get attached) and told him that he�d cut off his
balls. The fear of castration was enough to stop any guy from honking the ol� horn�plus, he knew Bookman would actually do it. That
was enough to make any erection, no matter how desperate, go completely flaccid
within moments.

�Ah,� he said, lacking any better response.

�Did you want to kiss him?�

Lavi wasn�t sure he liked the insinuating undertone, but he answered
her question. �Yes.�

They were talking about yesterday�s cooking incident. Yuu had made the
most delicious chili for dinner. Lavi had sat behind him at the island just
watching the Japanese boy work, then set the table and place a plate in front
of Lavi. When he gently patted Lavi�s shoulder as he walked away, it changed
something in the way the redhead viewed his roommate. All of a sudden,
everything was just erotic, from the
way Kanda sauntered back to the stove to the way he lowered himself into the
stool next to Lavi�s. Even his concentrated face as he shredded cheese over his
steaming bowl seemed oddly arousing.
Just the little things that Yuu did, his Yuu-ness, as it were, were suddenly unendingly endearing
and flusteringly hot.

He had caught himself blushing and was thankful for the disguise the
heat of the chili gave him. He�d always seen Yuu as aesthetically pleasing, but
this was something different, like he was actually feeling, actually placing
his emotions at the forefront of his mind and thinking with them. Yuu was sexy, and he�d never known it as keenly
as last night.

�Why didn�t you?� Lenalee asked.

�Because he doesn�t like me.� And that fact
kind of hurt a little, now that Lavi was at least a little aware of what he was
feeling.

Lenalee suppressed a snort, which made Lavi want to hit her. He was new
at the whole feeling thing, and she didn�t have the right to laugh at him!

�Shut up, Lenalee,� he said, pouting and crossing his arms.

She giggled but swallowed her smile. �Why do you think that?� She
asked. Well, Yuu was straight, for one, but since Lenalee would obviously know
that fact, it didn�t need to be said. There was another reason,
too, one that he knew was true because it always had been.

�Because I�m me,� he said simply. It implied what he was thinking�that
he wasn�t likeable�but it didn�t say it overtly. Lenalee�s face showed that
she�d picked up on that, and Lavi didn�t really want to share that bit of himself with her, so before she could open her mouth to
respond, he added, �and Yuu-chan thinks I�m really annoying. He doesn�t like
annoying things, not that way anyway. To like someone, you have to be able to
stand �em, y�know?�

�Well, you�ll never know until you try!� Lenalee exclaimed.

�Try?�

�Yes! Y�know, Yuu-kun�s a big sucker for cute
things, even if he doesn�t seem like it, so if you just act reeeaaally
cute, he�ll fall right into your arms!�

�What? No way!� It was absolutely
inconceivable. Kanda Yuu, badass extraordinaire, a closet cutesy lover?

�Well, Lavi, all men find cute things attractive. Gay or straight, if you
make a cute face at them, they�re hard immediately.�

Lavi didn�t know whether to be encouraged or completely disturbed. He
couldn�t understand how Lenalee could just smile and say something so� so� dirty. It seemed out of character, but
then, she often went out of her way to act innocent, if her interactions with
Komui were anything to go by. Just last night she�d been smiling and telling
her older brother all about the board game and kitties
night in her Sorority.

�If you say so, I guess I�ll give it a try�� He didn�t really have
anything to lose, after all.

�Oh, good! Yuu-kun�ll
be so pleased!�

Lavi tried not to stare blankly at her and succeeded in part.

�If you say so�� He muttered, getting off her bed and going next door
to Yuu�s room. He had absolutely no hope that she was right and that Yuu would
give him a chance, but he really wanted him to. Sometime during the past three
days, during the whirlwind of hopscotch with Daisya and croquet with Tiedoll
(which Yuu had sat out of, claiming he absolutely despised it), Lavi had felt
the last vestiges of his persona pull away from him. All he had left now was himself, and avoiding Bookman would be the only way to delay
the inevitable.

The inevitable.

Before he�d even touched the handle to Yuu�s door, he was back in the
room he�d just left. His plan would last only a month or two, if Bookman wasn�t
checking in on him so much. He�d have to pull his persona back on as much as
possible, but he wouldn�t be able to pull off the happy-go-lucky characteristic
for much longer. His real personality was getting too strong, pushing away all
the temporary ones he kept folded up in his mind�s closet.

After forty-nine different personalities, he finally realized that he
needed to stick with his original one. It was like finding out he was adopted
(which he wasn�t) or like discovering The Question (whose answer was 42,
naturally).

�Lavi, what�s wrong?� The Chinese girl asked, her
voice concerned. He�d forgotten to say anything after he came back in
and sat down next to her on her bed.

�You know how in baseball you have three strikes and then you�re out?�
Lavi asked, because he needed to know the answer. It was very important to
know.

�Yeah, but what does this have to do with what we were talking about
earlier?� The dark-haired girl asked, obviously stymied.

�Well, did Yuu-chan ever tell you about how I got hurt?� The answer,
the answer, he needed to know!

�Er, something about a disagreement or
something?� It was obvious she had not been told any such thing. Lavi sighed
inwardly. He really needed to know, and she was being so fucking obtuse. Not
that he could really blame her, but he just needed
to know. Patience, Bookman always said, patience
is what will get you what you need to know. Just listen, listen and prod, and
you will be rewarded with the answer you seek.

�You know I�m a Bookman, right?�

�Yes, Yuu-kun told me that much. Are you saying that Bookman did that?� She sounded outraged,
and Lavi was just starting to realize why. He�d suffered the same fate as those
who�d been abused did�not recognizing it as what it was.

�Not directly.� The not this time
was kept out of that sentence. Lenalee didn�t need to know that. �He hired some
kinda thug to beat me.�

The Chinese girl looked absolutely horrified. �What!?
That bastard! I�ll have Tiedoll call
someone in to��

Lavi raised a hand to stop her flow of words, and after a moment or
two, she heeded his gesture. �That really won�t help, Lenalee. Anyway, what I�m
trying to get at is that there�s a reason that happened in the first place.
From the very beginning, I wasn�t very good at staying in persona. The fact
that I still remember some details of my past before being an apprentice is
damning in itself, but Bookman knows I don�t think of that very often, so he
ignores it. It�s the fact that I can barely keep my persona up that�s botherin� him now. That�s a big offense. A while back, I
had my first warning. Bein� beaten up like that was
my second one� I�m on my last strike, as it were.�

It took the girl a minute or two to digest what he�d said. Finally, she
opened her mouth and drew in a wispy breath. �What are you trying to say,
Lavi?� She asked, and if Lavi paid attention, he could hear the tremor of fear
in her voice.

�I�m sayin� that if I�m kicked outta the clan, the record needs to be kept.�

There. He�d said it, the one thing that had been weighing most heavily
on his mind. The one thing that he dreaded the most.

Lenalee understood immediately and gasped, her pupils contracting as
her mouth opened in horror.

�No!� She yelped, her voice so desperate it came out strangled. �No!
Lavi, no, that can�t happen! If Yuu-kun� oh my God, you can�t ever strike out!
That would be� just don�t ever, ever
do it!�

That was not the answer Lavi wanted to hear, but it was often that way.
He sighed. He didn�t know exactly how to put what he wanted to say into words.

�I don�t have a choice. If Bookman finds out, I�m screwed. And he will find out, Lenalee, that�s what he
does best.� He tried his best not to sound sullen, but he wasn�t that great at
acting anymore.

�That�s cruel,� the Chinese girl said softly. She looked for all the world as if she was about to cry. Her fists were
clenching in the fabric of her pants. �So horrible.�

Lavi could only nod. What else was he supposed to say?

�Does Yuu-kun know?� Lenalee asked, her voice
low and airy, haunted.

This time, he shook his head. It felt like he�d lost the ability to
speak.

�Yeah, it�d be kinda hard to tell him that, wouldn�t it?� To his
surprise, the Chinese girl leaned over and hugged him to her chest as she
spoke.

It was warm, and her strong, steady heartbeat was encouraging. Hugging
Yuu felt different, deeper almost, like his body was acknowledging what his
heart couldn�t. With Yuu, hugging was firm, secure, but with Lenalee, it was
sweet and light, like embracing a cloud. Her arms were steady but gentle, and
her even breaths lulled him enough to close his eyes and relax further into her
chest. Vaguely, he thought that her breasts were squishy. They were comfortable
and soft, too, making Lavi not want to move.

�I don�t want to die,� he confessed. He didn�t understand why his voice
went mushy and humid there. Actually, he sounded a bit congested. Maybe he
wasn�t hallucinating that first time he�d talked to Lenalee and he was
developing allergies.

�I know, Lavi, I know,� she not-quite-cooed, rocking him back and forth
a little bit and running soothing, feminine hands through his hair, pulling
away tangles as they got caught. He decided he wasn�t properly balanced, so he
put his arms around her waist, his heart soaring a little bit as he got drunk
off the taste of caring.

No one touched him like this, not even Yuu, who was not quite capable
of such soft love. Lavi very nearly purred into it, becoming the cat he
sometimes envisioned his roommate as, because never before had he felt so calm
and relaxed, like his worries and fears were being pushed away by Lenalee�s
very presence.

For a moment, he wished Lenalee was his mother so he could feel this
way all the time, this untaxing comfort.

Even if his real mother was dead, he was sure she wouldn�t mind letting
him replace her with Lenalee. Well, maybe she would, but she probably wouldn�t
care if he only did it for this little bit.

Touch was a physical human need, evidenced by Harry Harlow�s monkey
experiment in the Fifties. Never before had Lavi realized just how much he
needed it. It wasn�t that Bookman didn�t touch him, it was just that there were
no feelings of concern or caring�as well there shouldn�t be�so it had been a
long time since he�d felt a hand massaging his scalp lightly as it pulled his
hair this way and that, maybe since before his mother had died.

He was remembering more and more of his previous life, too, of his
mother and his father, of Mae, of their two friends in the crack house. He
remembered playmates and being schooled by stern teachers in large classes. He
remembered his devious plan to get more pocket money. He remembered helping Mae
learn to read.

There was too much to give up on by dying. He was sure that his little
sister�younger by only a few minutes�was still out there somewhere. Though her
face was still foggy and indistinct in his mind, he knew that she still
existed, and he wanted to find her someday, maybe after Bookman had passed and
he�d inherited the title. If he didn�t get killed for failing
at the simple task of staying objective.

Yuu, too, was very important, perhaps the most important of all. He
knew now that he wanted to be with the other one, whether as a couple or not he
wasn�t sure, but he did know that he wasn�t ready to give up on their
friendship, on the warmth he felt when he was with the other boy. His family,
so crazy, would always be there to help him out as long as they were friends,
and that support system appealed to Lavi very much. He wanted to help Yuu make
fun of Allen, to outwit Daisya in ways to annoy Yuu (they were already in
competition, much to Yuu�s consistent annoyance�so their job was already well
done), to bother Komui by winking flirtatiously at his little sister, to always
be able to come to Lenalee for sorely needed advice�

Yes, life was interesting now, interesting and beautiful and maybe even
a little scary, and he didn�t want Bookman to take that away, whether by ending
his life or by his decision to continue being a Bookman.

Lavi believed this was the definition of being stuck between a rock and
a hard place.

Either way, he lost something important. By rebelling, he lost his life
and the opportunities that he currently had, but by staying a Bookman, he lost
his humanity. He�d spent too much time without humanity to want to go without
it ever again.

�What do I do, Lenalee?� He asked after some time. He felt like he�d
been thinking for hours, but he knew only a few minutes had passed.

�You could tell Yuu about it. You�re his friend, so I�m sure he�d be
willing to protect you.�

He knew Lenalee was trying to be helpful, but involving his roommate
was the last thing Lavi wanted. It was that whole damn caring thing, but there
was no way he could put Yuu in danger like that. If he protected Lavi, Bookman
would definitely eliminate him, too.

And besides, Yuu knew far too much. Bookman would assume that, by
protecting Lavi, Yuu knew the secret record as well.

�But Lenalee�� he had to explain that to her.

�No, Lavi, I really think that�s what you should do.�

She sounded so reasonable, and while he couldn�t put Yuu in danger, he
also desperately needed a way out. It was the only escape he could think of.

�Okay,� he said, knowing all the while that he shouldn�t have agreed.

�Good, now off you go to Yuu-kun. I bet he�s missing you already,�
Lenalee said as she winked and made shooing motions with her hands.

With a sigh, Lavi returned to Yuu�s room, not feeling any better than
when he�d first left. Vaguely, he realized that his excuse that he needed to
use the restroom wasn�t going to hold; Yuu would probably have checked the
bathrooms, so the redhead would just end up telling him the truth anyway.

�Howdy-doody, Yuu-chan-dy-dandy!� He hailed from the doorway. Not unexpectedly,
Yuu growled. Limping in, he went over to Yuu�s bed and sprawled over him in a
way he was sure was not appreciated.

�Get off�can�t�� Yuu said. Flipping around and rewarding himself with a
grunt from his dark-haired mattress, Lavi found the Japanese boy�s face turning
rather blue-ish.

�Oh, �scuse the rudeness,
didn�t know y�couldn�t breathe.� Perhaps he was
overdoing the slur. �Here ya go.� He decided he
didn�t care as he sat up and let his roommate gulp for greatly-needed air.

After a few moments of gasping, Yuu managed to return to his normal
color.

�What do you want?� He asked harshly. The glare he was shooting at
Lavi, who had somehow ended up scooting his way onto his roommate�s lap, was
completely expected.

�What makes you think I want somethin�?� Lavi
replied innocently, fixing his appearance into something cuter.

�Because if you�re anything like Lenalee, when you want something, you
come up and hang off me.� The
Japanese boy pushed him back, but Lavi didn�t budge. His experiment had paid
off; Kanda was blushing. It was faint, almost like someone had dusted a little
bit of rouge on his cheeks, but it was clearly showing through his pale golden
skin.

�Well, can�t I just hang off of you if I don�t want something?�

�No.� Ha. The blush was a little more pronounced.

�Why not?� Lavi said plaintively, twining his
arms around Yuu�s neck and leaning forward so that their chests just barely
touched. The dark-haired boy he was holding was blushing even harder, but Lavi
was no longer unaffected. His heart was beating inefficiently at a mile a minute, and his palms were beginning to sweat. Even his
breaths were coming just a little bit faster.

�Because you do want something.� It was sound
logic.

Lavi pouted and then proceeded to make the most adorable face he
thought he had ever managed, and checking the reflection in Yuu�s eyes, he
found he had succeeded.

�What?!� Yuu nearly shouted in his ear.

�Nuuuthin�.� He
smiled back at his roommate�s grumpy face. They both knew he wanted something.
Lavi was just putting off the inevitable.

�Whatever,� Yuu mumbled, rolling his eyes.

�Ne, Yuu?� Lavi asked after a
sufficient number of minutes had passed.

�What do you want?� The dark-haired boy growled.

�What would you do if I had to leave?� Lavi asked, trying to make it
sound as hypothetical as possible. The atmosphere of the room sobered
immediately.

�What do you mean?� Yuu asked, sounding wary and maybe a little
suspicious.

�What if I left? Withdrew from Harvard and travelled to lands unknown?�
Lavi clarified vaguely.

�Well� I suppose I�d be�� Yuu paused as if unable to go on without insulting
his pride, ��lonely?� The way he ended that sentence struck a previously
unknown cord in Lavi�s atrophied heart. It made him feel lonely, too. But
amidst that feeling was also something happy�or maybe a more apt word would be glad�that someone cared about him enough
to yearn for his presence, that someone would miss it if it ever vanished.

�Really?� He asked, unable to keep the
slightly excited tone from his voice.

�Why do you sound happy?� Yuu asked, sounding incredulous. Secretly,
the redhead didn�t blame him.

��Cause Yuu-chan�ll miss
me!� He pulled his arms just a little bit tighter, sparing the
dark-haired boy from strangulation only by lowering his grip so that it was around
the boy�s shoulders.

�Don�t call me that with that�
tone.� The dark-haired boy sounded disgusted now.

�What tone?� Lavi asked innocently, widening his eye for effect.

�That fucktard tone.�

�Eh?�

�That obscenely happy, disgusting� tone.� Yuu spat out the last word
like it was a curse of the vilest sort.

Lavi almost wished he really did have bunny ears so that he could make
them droop. It would add to the expression he was trying to make.

�What else do you want?� Lavi thought his roommate was trying not to
sound impatient.

�Nothing. Well, I�m just curious, y�know? Yuu, what would you do if I died?� There. It was
happening again. The room was getting all wistful and somber.

�Well, that depends, who killed you?�

�What makes you think somebody killed me?�

�Because not even you are stupid enough to knock yourself off, so by
default you would have to be murdered.� Once again, the logic was absolute and
flawless. Lavi was far from easy to kill�he knew basic self-defense and had a spatial
awareness unlike any other�s. He might be clumsy from
the lack of depth perception, but he knew how to dodge bullets, how to
calculate trajectories of projectiles moments before they were fired, and he
knew how to patch himself up in the unlikely event he
actually got hurt.

Nor was he suicidal. He�d never been on a long-term medication in his
entire life (though he knew eventually it would become necessary, especially
with the stress he�d be under as the next Bookman), so he didn�t have to worry
about overdosing. And klutz that he was, even he knew basic safety measures, so
even if he tripped with scissors in his hands, Yuu didn�t need to worry about
him accidentally impaling himself on them.

�What, I can�t die in some tragic accident?� Like a train crash or
something. It was possible, though not highly plausible.

�You�re already a tragic accident. It�d be redundant.�

Lavi felt a bit offended, felt a tiny tick of annoyance in his heart,
but he ignored it and replied instead, �That was below the belt.� And so what
if his tone came out just a little upset?

�No, it wasn�t. Below the belt would include insulting your face and
your mother, as well as your religion, and while we�re at it, your race, which
is what, exactly?� Yuu said nastily.

�Fuck you.� Lavi felt very hurt, and his chest was starting to get kind
of tight. He didn�t like this feeling and wished it would go away.

�Glad we�ve come to an understanding.� To make matters worse, Yuu
sounded smug. He probably hadn�t realized his joking had hurt, so the redhead
decided to ignore it all�push it out of his conscious mind, just like he always
did (and always should do, but he pushed that thought back there with all the
feelings)�and continue on with what he had been trying to say earlier.

�But back to the topic at hand!� Lavi exclaimed, brandishing a finger
high into the air. �What would you do if I died?�

�Track down the bastard who killed you.�

He said it so casually, as if this was an obvious fact. For a moment,
Lavi was stymied. Someone would do that for him? The feeling such a thought
inspired was almost like little miniscule fireworks going off in his stomach,
and it wiped out the crushed emotions from just a moment before. He felt
inexplicably happy.

He wanted to smile.

�You would?� Lavi asked. He had to make sure. He had to give Yuu the
choice to take it back, to make him feel miserable again.

�Che, of
course, idiot. I�m not about to let your murder go unavenged.�

Once again, Yuu�s tone was casual. Once again, it sounded like he would
actually go through with it. That was probably bad news, since Bookman and his
clan would maim the Japanese boy, but the redhead was still touched that his
roommate and best friend would go through all the trouble just for him.

�Ooh, avenge me, avenge me!� He shouted, just so that
Yuu wouldn�t get the hint that he was so emotionally attached. He let
his arms fall from the other boy�s shoulders and flopped down further into
Yuu�s lap, rolling a bit so that he could see up his nostrils. He smiled.

And it felt dazzling.

For the first time in his entire life, he felt truly content, truly
free of all the horrors he had seen, and it was all because of this boy that he
liked. He wanted to always be like this: him in Yuu�s lap�or at the very least,
near the boy�with Yuu scoffing at him and unconsciously beginning to pull his
hand through Lavi�s hair. The motion was soothing. Pat, stroke, pat, stroke,
fingers through separate strands, pat, stroke. It was almost rhythmic.

�You are such an idiot sometimes,� Yuu said, shaking his head and
looking like he was holding back a smile of his own.

There was silence for a while, wherein Yuu continued to lightly caress
his hair. The Japanese boy�s expression was soft, kind of like the inside of
his cr�me brul�e expression was beginning to seep
outward. Lavi gazed into his eyes with a sense of wonder. He�d never seen Yuu
look that� vulnerable before.

�So, you�re on your last chance, huh?� The dark-haired boy said
quietly, breaking the comfortable silence.

�Eh?� Lavi replied, stunned. How had Yuu known that?

�You�re on your last chance,� the other boy repeated. Lavi gulped and
stiffened, though Yuu continued to pull his hand soothingly through his hair.

�How did you�?� He began, but the words just wouldn�t come out.

�There�s a vent that connects my room to Lenalee�s,� Yuu said simply.

�What!?� Lavi was horrified. �You heard the
whole conversation?� He didn�t want Yuu to know he liked him�or that he was
gay, for that matter�as it would make things very awkward in their room.

�No, only bits and pieces.�

Lavi breathed easier. That was definitely a relief. If Yuu didn�t know
about his feelings, then he was in the clear, and seeing as the boy had yet to
bring up said topic, he was pretty sure Yuu hadn�t heard a thing about it. He
had to make sure�otherwise his heart wouldn�t stop beating so fast.

�What did you hear?�

�You�re on your last chance and you not wanting
to die.� Lavi was immediately relieved. ��Amongst other things.� Yuu had a
small smile on his face.

�Ah, well, what kind of��

�Last chance?� Yuu insisted firmly.

�Oh.� Lavi blushed in something that may have been embarrassment but
which he thought had more to do with the stern look on Yuu�s face and how sexy
it was. �Yeah�� His voice was withering. �I� well, I don�t really have much
time left,� he admitted.

He wasn�t expecting the rap on his head. Glaring up at Yuu, he tried to
seem angry and menacing, but the tears at the corner of his eye weren�t helping
that endeavor.

The Japanese boy scoffed. �I�ll protect you.�

Lavi was pretty sure those words had never passed Yuu�s lips in that
particular order. He didn�t think the boy had ever been that polite to him,
either.

�Idiot,� the dark-haired boy in question finished.

Well, there went that theory. It was almost like Yuu was trying to
protect himself by adding such phrases onto his speech. It made sense, if Lavi
thought about it. He had his own ideas about what had happened to Yuu that the
Japanese boy wasn�t telling him, and he was pretty sure it had to do with exposure
to things a young child should never be exposed to, so it made sense that Yuu
would try to keep the world at a distance by pretending he didn�t care.
Because�and Lavi certainly understood this logic, having lived through it
himself�if you didn�t care, then you didn�t have to hurt so very much. The
world didn�t have to be so cold, so frozen to you. If you didn�t care, you
could smile and not mean it.

Lenalee had shown Lavi some old photo albums in the past few days. In
each of them, Yuu was never smiling, but every once in a while, there was one
that looked forced, like Tiedoll had bribed him with something (probably soba)
to get the expression on his face. There were a few candid ones of him lightly
smiling at Lenalee�playing video games or talking on the couch, normal
things�but in each posed picture, Yuu looked grim. In those posed pictures,
there was never a smile in his eyes.

�You would really do that?� Lavi asked, trying to grasp why this
conversation suddenly seemed so important to his existence.

�I promise.� Yuu spoke with a silently burning conviction that Lavi
could just barely hear in his voice. But like his real smiles�which were few
and far between but were worth whatever stupid thing Lavi had done to get them
there�the expression showed exclusively through his eyes. There was a tightness there, and his mouth was in a firm, determined
line. Even his nostrils looked serious.

This was a defining moment in their friendship. If Lavi chose took take
the offer�and it was looking very tempting at the moment�there would be a deep
bond between them that could never be erased. Lavi could not hide this bond
from Bookman for long, but if Yuu was able to go through with what he�d
promised, then Lavi would be safe. And didn�t he feel
very safe right now, with Yuu still smoothing his fingers through the redhead�s
hair?

But if he didn�t take the offer, he could still be killed. In fact, the
likelihood went up at least tenfold. He wouldn�t have the companionship his
body was starting to crave. He
wouldn�t have the contact or those serene smiles Yuu sometimes made when he
thought Lavi wasn�t looking or the really yummy food that he�d filch out of the
fridge or even the scoffing commentary on his shower singing.

If he didn�t take the offer, he could lose Yuu, and that was simply
unacceptable. He needed Yuu. More than he�d ever needed anyone, even Bookman,
even Mae and Gavin and Michael, even himself. He couldn�t describe it, but
right now, he was fragile, both in his barely-alive persona and in his
hardly-flourishing real self.

�Really?� Lavi said in order to buy himself a
little bit more time to think.

�Yes,� Yuu replied promptly. So much for time.
He needed to decide now. But he couldn�t. But he needed to. Yes
or no, yes or no.

Yes.

�Okay.� And with that, the secret pact was made. The bond that had been
forming between them all semester suddenly hardened and became very real. Maybe
this was what it was like to have a best friend. Lavi cherished the feeling.

Lavi shifted to the other side of the bed so that his legs were draping
over Yuu�s. To his surprise, the boy lowered himself into a lying position as
well. He put his arms on Lavi�s shoulder and pushed him so that he was on his
right side, his blind eye stuffed unceremoniously into the pillow at the head
of the bed. Something warm and strong pressed against his back, and Lavi had
the distinct feeling it was Yuu�s chest. Secure, steadfast arms pulled him
closer, so that he could feel every contour of Yuu�s body against his own. The
pillow disappeared, replaced with the surprising coolness of Yuu�s skin. It was
a comforting chill, though, like the dark-haired boy was really there, not some
illusion thought up in his desperation-addled mind.

They fell into an easy, companionable silence again. All that needed to
be said had been said. But Lavi couldn�t help but add one last bit.

�Ne, Yuu?�

�Hmm?� The Japanese boy sounded a bit droopy,
like he was tired.

�Do you like cute things?�

�Hmm?� Now the Japanese boy sounded dimly
curious.

�Cute things�do you like �em?�

�I don�t hate them?� Yuu replied, returning question for question.

�That means you like �em. Ne, what do you think is cute?�

There was a pause for a while, and then Yuu took a breath.

�Rabbits,� he said.

�Rabbits,� Lavi repeated.

�Rabbits,� Yuu stated.

�So if I got you a stuffed rabbit plushie,
you�d love it to death?� The redhead questioned.

�Yes,� Yuu said sarcastically. �I�d love it so much I�d behead it with
Mugen.�

Lavi sniveled a little. �So mean,� he said, feigning tears in his voice.

�You�re such an idiot.�

�You are too.�

�No, I�m not.�

�You are.�

�Shut up.�

Lavi smiled a little to himself and then slyly grabbed hold of Yuu�s
arm, which was draped over his still body. He could have sworn he felt a little
smile on the back of his neck.

---

A/N: Holy Hellballs, we�ve finally finished
this chapter! It took us, like, three to four weeks to finish writing! Sorry
about that. But anyway, hopefully after this, we�ll be full speed ahead again. Anyway,
the bit about Yuu adding �amongst other things� was his attempt at being
mysterious. He actually didn�t hear anything else. But shh!
Lavi doesn�t know that! ^_^ Next chapter is slightly longer, yays!
- 8
- 9
- 10
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How to Save a Life