How to leave the closet

As Arthur returned home, an unexpected person was waiting for him outside his flat.



“Arthur, Arthur, I’ve been waiting for you!” Arthur stopped op halfway up the stairs, staring at the Italian greeting him with arms wide open and a big smile on his lips.



“Feliciano?” He knew the nut-brown haired man from work. He did everything and nothing there; filled the printers with paper, made tea for Francis whenever he was having a hangover, danced on the tables at whatever occasion he had. If it wasn’t for his incredible math skills, he would’ve been fired long ago, but he did a good job keeping the economy together whenever Francis had one of his ‘this will be the worlds best advertisement for 100.000$!’-plans. Everyone loved him for his big heart and warm personality, and Arthur was no exception, but having just returned home from Alfred’s he could really need a break from random experiences. And this had to be pretty random, for never had he talked to the guy outside work, so suddenly seeing him in front of his flat –…



“Feliciano,” Arthur repeated and smiled an awkward smile, “what-eh… I mean, good to see you.”



“Good to see you too, Arthur!” Feliciano squeaked as he got up from the stair. He pulled Arthur into a tight hug. “Oh, I am so happy, I am so happy, Arthur!” The Englishman patted Feliciano’s back with a friendly, but odd, smile, as he tried to figure out what reaction would be the most correct at the moment.



“Oh, really? Why’s that?” Feliciano grabbed around Arthur’s cheeks and grinned:



“Because you’re gay!” Arthur pushed the other away from him as an immediate reaction.



“What?!” Feliciano’s smile faded a little.



“You’re not?”



“Yes! I mean, no! I mean… No I am not! Why would you say such?” Arthur shook his head, holding a hand up in front of the other’s face, as he was about to answer. “Do not say another word,” he whispered, “before we get inside. There are other people living here!” He looked over his shoulder, fearing that someone was listening to them at the moment. He couldn’t trust anyone, not anyone straight in particularly. He pulled out the key from his trousers, quickly unlocking the door and pushed the puzzled Italian inside before slamming the door shut again.



“Uhm…”



“Yes, uhm,” Arthur repeated in a raspy voice, turning to look at him with flustered cheeks, “what the hell were you thinking? Why would you think I am gay?”



“Because I found this at Alfred’s…” Feliciano waved a wallet in front of his face. Arthur gaped and grasped it.



It was his wallet, he didn’t even had to look inside it to know. It was of brown leather, had a tasteful flower-pattern engraved at the front and a little silver-chain to keep it closed. “I’ve been missing this one for so long,” he breathed in awe, making Feliciano chuckle. He quickly opened it to make sure it was all there. Credit cards, money notes and addresses. Nothing seemed to be missing. Arthur shook his head in disbelief and couldn’t help but smile at the other. “Oh, I am so sorry I yelled at you!” he whispered and embraced Feliciano in a tighter hug than the other had just given him, “you’re the best!”



“Does that mean you’re not mad at me for calling you gay?” he asked lowly, looking at him with unsure eyes. Arthur opened his mouth to answer, but a question demanded attention first:



“Did you say you found it at Alfred’s?” Feliciano nodded.



“I was there for a sleepover, but I ill and headed home in the middle of the night. Must’ve gotten the wrong jacket… I never meant to steal it from you! It was an accident.” Arthur blinked with his eyes.



“But, from where do you know Alfred?”



“Haah? We’ve been buddies for years!” he snickered, “he comes a lot down at my brother’s pizza bar, of course I know him. But – where do you know him from, if you’re not gay as well?”



“As well?” Feliciano heated up in the cheeks, nervously moving his weight from one leg to the other.



“Oh, well, I… I am kind of… gay, you see…”



There had been rumours at work. You can’t run around wearing nothing but a shirt, because you forgot to pull your pants up when at toilet, without getting some kind of attention. Especially not when you underwear is pink and frilly. Arthur remembered clearly how Ludwig had sat down beside him at the cafeteria as Feliciano entered, and whispered: ‘Is it just me, or did this room suddenly turn faggy?’ But it had just been rumours, and Arthur had ignored them the best he could.



Now he couldn’t anymore.



“A-Arthur?” Feliciano stuttered, as the other didn’t react. Arthur smiled calming at him.



“There’s nothing to worry about,” he assured him, “I am not homophobic.”



“But you’re not gay either?” Arthur hesitated. Was he really to tell something like that to a guy from work? After all, Italians weren’t well known for keeping their mouth shut. Feliciano seemed to read his face as he suddenly changed subject: “I forgot your coat at home. I’ll bring it to you at work, okay?” Arthur nodded.



“Yeah, that’s fine.” They stood glaring at each other for a few seconds. Feliciano scratched his neck.



“Uh, well, I better get going, right?” He seemed disappointed, and though Arthur just wanted to hit the sack, he couldn’t really just kick the other out of the flat. He was a proper Englishman after all.



“Ah, no need to, don’t you want a cup of tea first?” Feliciano nodded eagerly.



“Yes, please!”



----



Arthur sipped his tea. Feliciano ate biscuits while throwing anxious looks around his living room. Arthur sighed.



“Is my collection that scary?”



“Uh, a little…” Arthur looked around. Unicorns. Everywhere. Posters with white and pink unicorns running over rainbow-coloured hills, small figures of unicorns, books on horses, movies, music, stickers, cups, key chains, pillows. Pink, white, black, green, blue unicorns everywhere. Arthur had been collecting since he was four. His father would tell him tales of dragons, knights and evil monsters, and then he would run crying to his mother to hear a calming story about ‘Fred and his unicorns’. Fred was a little child, in looks suspiciously resembling to Arthur, but he owned a unicorn-farm. Arthur’s biggest dream as a child had been to grow up and be like Fred, but as reality hit him, he thought collection stuff with the animal would make a good replacement for his broken dreams.



He just always forgot how it scared others.



“Why have you collected so much?”



“I, uh… Like unicorns,” Arthur tried, and Feliciano nodded as if he had given a brilliant answer.



“I see…”



“Do you like to collect anything?”



“I have lots of pasta.” Arthur laughed and smiled at him, then realised that he was not joking. He quickly refilled his cup of earl grey and mumbled:



“Oh…” before sipping it down with a concentrated look on his face. Feliciano licked the chocolate of a cookie, looking at it with blissful eyes.



“You know, Ludwig hates chocolate,” he said. Arthur nodded and rolled his eyes.



“But that guy hates everything sweet. Beer and women, then he’s satisfied.”



“Really?”



“Yeah, last time we went out, he begged me to go to a stripper-bar. It’s so demeaning to women, but he never gets tired of their breasts.”



“Oh…” Feliciano waved a little with the cookie in the air. Arthur watched him with questioning eyes.



“Did I say something wrong?”



“No, it’s just…” Feliciano putted the cookie down, leaning back into the soft pillows. He sent Arthur a painful smile. “Can I be honest with you?”



“Of course.



“You won’t go tell everyone any of what I might say at work, will you?”



“You got me my wallet, I owe you no matter what you might confess,” Arthur laughed and put down his cup. He leaned in as he placed a hand on top of the other’s. “I would never go and spread your secrets, okay?” Feliciano nodded and looked down.



“It’s just… I really like Ludwig.”



“So do I, we’re best friends.”



“No, I mean really like him.”



“Uhh?” He took in a heavy breath.



“I’m totally gay for him.” Arthur’s eyes widened in shock, and he pulled his hand back.



“What!”



“He gives me a bon-“



“No, not what as in ‘what’, as in… Wow!” Arthur scratched his hand with furious motions while looking at everything but Feliciano. “I… Uh… For how long-?”



“Since I started working there. For three years.”



“That’s… a long time.”



“Yeah, but… Oh, Arthur,” Feliciano hid his face behind his hands as his voice turned hoarse, “it’s so horrible, watching him every day flirting with women. And I can’t do anything!” His body weakened and his head fell to rest in his lap as he stared to cry. Arthur tried not to let the chock get the better side of him as he ran his fingers through the other’s hair, hushing lowly.



“Oh, don’t cry, there’s no need to cry,” he tried.



“But he’s straight!”



‘And homophobic,’ Arthur added in his thoughts, though he couldn’t get himself to tell the other. Arthur would’ve told Ludwig about his sexuality earlier if it hadn’t been for that one important personality trait he held. Whenever the German got drunk, he would go look for homosexuals to beat up for fun, and when he woke up in the morning, he would only complain about having a sore fist. ‘Fucking queers,’ he normally snorted, ‘they fucking ruin our country. We should just execute the crap.’



Arthur had often pondered about how a man could be so kind to children, to animals, help old women cross the street and donate his pay check to the poor when he couldn’t even smile at a homosexual without throwing up afterwards. Sometimes he and Arthur went to the gym together; if he knew he undressed in front of a gay male, would he then still get into a water fight with him in the shower? Would he then be able to jokingly put on Arthur’s underwear and dance in them? What was looked at as fun stuff now would suddenly seem disgusting to him, Arthur had realised. He couldn’t risk their friendship for a simple thing like his sexuality, and it had never really bothered him.



But it seemed to bother Feliciano, who he couldn’t even tell to go admit his love to Ludwig. That would mean a heck of a bill from the hospital.



“Feliciano, listen, there’s lots of other guys out there,” he tried cheering him up, forcing his hands away from his face in order to look into his eyes. “This city has got one of the largest gay communities I have ever seen, it’s brilliant for a person like you. You’re fun and smart, you’ll find another guy in no time!” The Italian sent him a hesitating look, and Arthur was sure he was going to say something like ‘you really think so?’ – but no:



“But I only want Ludwig!” he screamed and broke down in tears yet again. “Arthur, Arthur, I am so sorry for being such a pathetic guy, but I just love him! You have no idea!” Arthur sloped his head to the side and smiled as the other lightened up. “I love his way to walk, you know? How he looks like he’s always going for a goal.” He straightened a little up in the back, drying a few tears off in his shirt. “The way he looks at you with strong eyes, the way he talks, the way he… he is alive.” He clasped his hands together in front of him.



“Oh, young love,” Arthur chuckled, making Feliciano laugh.



“I guess.” Feliciano leaned against Arthur’s shoulder, “you know of it?” Arthur blinked, then shrugged his shoulders and looked away.



“Kind of…” he smiled smugly, but never loud enough to let Feliciano hear it.



---



“Isn’t it over your bedtime?” Arthur rolled his eyes.



“Just be glad I called you at all – Feliciano dropped by, he stayed for five hours.”



“Haah, way to go, dude!” Alfred grinned, “I had no idea you know him?”



“We work together,” Arthur explained, “wait a second.” He put down the phone as he slipped the shirt over his head, unzipped his pants and put them aside. He grabbed the mobile again. “Here.”



“I heard something unzip – ya’re naked?”



“No, I am in my boxers.”



“Ohh, tell me more.”



“I certainly will not!”



“Aww, it’s not cool when you’ve got balls,” Alfred snickered. Arthur slipped into bed with a tired sigh and a small smile.



“When in a known environment, those balls are pretty huge.” Alfred laughed loudly.



“Fuck off.” He rustled with some papers in the background. “Eh, about the date tomorrow – still fresh?”



“Of course,” Arthur nodded slightly, fingering the duvet up around his stomach, “may I chose the place?”



“Uhh… If it’s not too fancy.”



“You’ve got a problem with suits?”



“No, I’ll just have to buy one.”



“You’ve got none?”



“Yeah, but they’re kinda fabulous,” he grinned. Arthur sighed and slipped down to lie more comfortable.



“Okay, then get a suit.”



“Yes, sir.”



“No problem, Mr. Jones.”



“Then to where will you kidnap me, lovely?”



“Shall I let it be a surprise?”



“Fuck yes.” Arthur laughed and shook his head.



“I do not think that was what one would call a proper respond, Alfred.”



“Whatever – meet ya where? When?”



“How about in the park at one? We can have lunch.”



“Cool, I’ll drive.”



“You’ve got a car?”



“That too, but I was thinking of my bike…”



“Please, let it be the car.”



“Yes, yes.” Arthur could hear something unzip from the other end.



“…what are you doing?”



“Going to take a piss.”



“See you tomorrow!” Arthur quickly hung up. “What’s with that guy? Going to the bathroom while at the phone!” He put the mobile aside and turned the lights off. The face of Feliciano slipped through his mind. The guy had been so in love. He wondered if he could end up feeling so about Alfred. His heart beat faster. True, he was kind of excited, but he couldn’t squeal like the other. Did that mean his emotions were far weaker?



‘I’ve only known him for a week, he has known Ludwig for three years.’ But maybe the date would help clearing his thoughts. At least the thought of Alfred in a proper suit kind of excited him, he had to admit. One of those black, striped ones, with a white shirt and a dark blue tie, his hair brushed back into a smaller ponytail, his eyes serious behind his lovely glasses…



“Fuck.” His boxers were tightening up. He clenched his eyes together, trying to make that image disappear. But it wouldn’t, and instead he slipped a hand down, lightly brushing the fingertips over his bulge. His member twitched underneath the fabric. He grabbed it slightly and turned his head with a low moan, feeling a little shy by the fact of what he was doing. But no way he was going to sleep without release.



“Alfred… Mhmm…”



A very long night was ahead of him.