An Idiot's Guide to Ectopic Birth

Kabuto was a joke. Kirihara beat his opponent easily, not even breaking a sweat. Now all he had to do was wait for his senpai-tachi to beat the rest of them, and then wait for the semi-finals to start. He walked back to the bench, where Yanagi called out to him.

"Akaya," he said, "do you want to go scout the Kuroshio-Nagoya match? Yukimura's already there."

"No, that's boring," Kirihara whined. Both of those teams pretty much sucked, and if none of the troika were really worried about them, Kirihara didn't think he had to be either. "I'd rather go watch the Seigaku-Hyoutei match."

"Akaya," Sanada called, from where he was standing with two boys Kirihara didn't recognize, "come here."

Akaya scampered over to where Sanada was, checking out the new boys. One was tall and gave off a similar aura to Sanada's, while the second was small and cute and smelled very distinctly of the tall boy.

"Akaya, this is my cousin, Kunimasa, and his fiance Norio. Norio's a retrograde like you. Why don't you keep him company for awhile?"

"Huh?" Kirihara asked, but Sanada and Kunimasa were walking away. He stood there, looking at the other boy, who only smiled and stared blankly back at him. "Umm. . . do you want to go watch a tennis match with me?"

"Sure!" Norio said, oddly enthusiastic. Kirihara led the way to where he knew Seigaku would be playing, Norio almost skipping alongside him.

"I'm so jealous of you," Norio whined, his eyes almost tearful. "You get to have sex with Sanada as much as you want."

Kirihara nearly spit out all the water he had just gulped down. He turned to stare at Norio in confusion. "You. . . want to have sex with Sanada?"

"Oh, no!" Norio laughed at the suggestion as he waved his hands in front of his face. He was a pretty spastic guy, Kirihara thought. "It's just that. . . Kunimasa and I, we haven't. . . done. . . it, yet."

"Why not?" Kirihara asked, scratching his head. He thought after he asked the question it had been rude. . . maybe Norio and Kunimasa were celibacy freaks or something like that.

"Oh." Norio's expression was all of the sudden downcast. "Whenever I want to do it, I lose control of my kon-gen and turn back into a cat. That's weird, huh?"

"Yeah. It is, it really is."

"I thought it was because I'm a retrograde, but you seem to be normal." Norio seemed to be growing more and more dejected with every word. "And Kunimasa asked me to marry him, but if we can never have sex. . . I mean, he'd probably call of the wedding, right?"

"I would," Kirihara replied. But maybe that had been the wrong thing to say? He was only being honest, but Norio had seemed to be even more dejected with his words.

"So. . . Aka-chan, since we're practically family, you have to tell me your secret!" Norio grasped onto his hands, looking up at him with large, beaming eyes.

Kirihara scrunched up his face as he pondered the question. Controlling his kon-gen during sex had never been the slightest problem for him. "Umm. . . maybe you should try. . . not losing control when you want to have sex?"

Norio physically wilted in front of him. "It's hopeless, after all."

"Kirihara, who's your cute friend?"

All of a sudden Kirihara felt arms wrap around his waist from behind, and felt himself being pulled against a broad chest.

"Although, he has a kind of scary smell around him."

"Let go, Sengoku!" Kirihara said, elbowing the other boy in the stomach before spinning away. "What are you doing here, anyway? Didn't Yamabuki already lose?"

"Can't I," Sengoku asked between breaths, pitched over from where Kirihara had hit him, "come to watch some tennis?"

"Whatever."

"Seriously, though," Sengoku said, walking over to where Norio was standing. "This guy. . ."

Sengoku started to rub behind Norio's ears, Norio mewing at the touch. A few moments later Norio had very definite cat ears sticking out of his head, and a monkey tail coming out of his posterior.

"No way," Sengoku said, somewhat amazed. "Another retrograde? What are the chances? But why so sad, kitty cat?"

Norio sniffled as he leaned into Sengoku's touch.

"It's none of your business," Kirihara said, crossing his arms in front of him. "It's personal."

"Yeah?" Sengoku asked, dropping his hand to his side.

"Umm. . ." Norio blushed as the touch left him. "It's an. . . intimacy problem."

"Maybe I can help," Sengoku offered, grinning. His eyes were glinting in a way that made Kirihara a little bit suspicious.

"Really?" Norio asked, eyes hopeful again.

"There's no way this idiot can help," Kirihara said.

"If it's about sex," Sengoku said, his smile smug, "I can probably help."

The two retrogrades blinked at him, considering. Kirihara did have to admit that Sengoku's experience in the sexual arena trumped his considerably. He had definitely shown Kirihara a few tricks, the one night Kirihara had caved and they had slept together.

"I hate to admit it," Kirihara finally said, turning to face Norio, "but he might be right."

"Well," Norio started, apparently deciding to trust Sengoku, "whenever I try to have sex with my boyfriend, I lose control of my kon-gen, and end up turning into a cat."

"Okay, I think I know what you should do."

Kirihara and Norio waited, but. . . nothing. Just Sengoku, grinning at them in a half-idiotic, half-lecherous way.

"Well?" Kirihara asked. "Are you going to tell us?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

"On whether you're each willing to give me a kiss."

Kirihara and Norio looked at each other before shrugging. "Why not?"

Norio was first, stepping forward to give Sengoku a chaste kiss on the lips. Sengoku definitely wasn't going to press for more than that, considering the territorial scent that was coming off of him in waves. Kirihara, on the other hand. . . Sengoku knew for a fact that Sanada and Kirihara weren't the most possessive couple around.

Kirihara narrowed his eyes at Sengoku as he stepped forward, but Sengoku's expression was all innocence. Their lips met. . . and then Sengoku was literally sweeping him off his feet and sticking his tongue down his throat. Kirihara struggled for a moment before just giving in and kissing back. . . Sengoku might have been an idiot, with his constant exclamations of "lucky," but he was a damn good kisser.

After a few minutes they broke apart, and Kirihara stood back up on shaky legs. Maybe he should rethink this whole not sleeping with Sengoku kick he had been on lately. Norio was blushing a little, pretending that he wasn't watching them.

"It's simple," Sengoku finally said, "you should have sex with some one else."

"Idiot!" Kirihara yelled, as he went to punch Sengoku. "I knew you were an idiot! I can't believe I ever had sex with you!"

"Ow!" Sengoku laughed as he caught Kirihara's arms, pulling the smaller boy closer to him as he restrained his body. "Look, I wasn't just joking around. Norio, you're losing control because your emotions for your boyfriend are just too strong. Plus it's your first time. After you have sex with some one else, some one you don't care for as much, it shouldn't be such a big deal anymore, and you'll be able to do it with your boyfriend."

Norio pouted. It's true that he had never tried sleeping with anyone else, so maybe he would be able to control his kon-gen better with someone who wasn't Kunimasa, like Sengoku said. But. . . he didn't really want to sleep with anyone that wasn't Kunimasa.

"Do you really think that will work?" he asked.

Sengoku shrugged. "I don't know your complete situation, but it's worth a shot, right?"

He had started tickling Kirihara, just a little bit below the ribs, and Kirihara was twisting and arching against him in the most delightful way. Surely Sanada wouldn't mind, Sengoku thought, if he just borrowed Kirihara for a little bit.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

The three looked up at the newcomer, who had all but growled the statement.

Sengoku's eyes widened as he quickly pushed Kirihara away. "Akutsu? I thought you were abroad."

"I came back." Akutsu's anger was almost palpable around him now. Sengoku backed away from his taller, stronger, more martial arts-inclined ex-teammate. "You haven't changed at all. Getting it up for any girl that walks by, or any guy with half-decent pheromones."

Kirihara was about to object to that- his pheromones were top of the class, after all- but Sengoku had started to run away.

"Sorry, I have to go!"

Akutsu growled before running after the other boy, leaving Kirihara and Norio to themselves again.

"Sorry about that," Kirihara said, as they resumed their walk towards the Seigaku-Hyoutei game.

"It's okay," Norio said. Having sex with some one other than Kunimasa wasn't really an option, but he was starting to come up with another idea.

They had spent more time with Sengoku than they had thought, and when they got to the tennis courts the match was already on singles one. Kirihara saw a familiar redhead sitting in the bleachers, and he headed towards Kamio, Norio in tow.

"Hey," he said, "Fudomine lost already?"

"Shut up!" Kamio yelled, but from the bright red that spread across his face, and the fact that he wasn't denying it, Kirihara figured it was true. Come to think of it, Kamio was looking pretty tired right now. They really must have been out-classed.

"Kamio, this is Sanada's cousin's fiance, Norio. Norio, this is my friend Kamio."

Kamio blinked up at that, momentarily distracted from the match. Friends. Was that what they were now? He hadn't remembered being friends with a violent psychopath, but if that's what Kirihara was saying, he guessed he wasn't going to argue it. He supposed they had hung out a few times by now.

"Who's winning?" Kirihara asked, as he and Norio sat down next to Kamio.

"It's pretty neck and neck," Kamio replied, "but get this. Whoever loses has to shave their hair off."

"No way!" Kirihara said, trying to imagine either Atobe or Echizen bald. He snickered at the thought of it, while Norio looked at them wistfully.

"Tennis seems like a lot of fun," he said.

Kirihara could see Sanada, Yukimura, and Yanagi sitting some yards away from them. He waved, getting a smile back from Yanagi. Kirihara guessed that the Rikkai match had ended awhile ago, and that the Kuroshio-Nagoya match was probably over as well. The bleachers had filled up a considerable amount and everyone was pretty absorbed in the game. It seemed to take forever for it to finish, the last rally stretching on and on, until Echizen finally managed to pull ahead and win.

"I can't believe that brat beat him," Kamio pouted. It was ridiculous, Echizen seemed to win all his matches. It was downright annoying. They all watched as Echizen came back onto the court with a battery-operated electric razor in his hand.

"Why does he even have that with him?" Kirihara questioned.

Kamio winced as Atobe's hair was roughly hacked into a short hair do. Atobe was not going to be in a happy mood later tonight. All two hundred plus members of Hyoutei's tennis club were staring at the courts with their mouths gaping open, and even Atobe looked like he was going into shock.

"Kabaji," he finally said, running into the stands, "get my hair stylist on the phone. Now."

"Usu."

As Atobe rushed to his private helicopter, Kabaji in tow, every one's attention was drawn to where Seigaku was celebrating near the bench. Kirihara looked at his watch. They'd have about two hours before the semi-finals started.

"Hey," he said, turning to Kamio and Norio, "do you guys want to have lunch?"

Kamio shrugged, but Norio was looking up towards the entrance of the stand and waving. Kunimasa was standing there, gesturing for Norio to come over.

"Sorry," Norio said, "I have to go. See you at dinner tonight!"

Kamio and Kirihara watched as Norio ran off, and Kamio debated whether he should meet up with his teammates for lunch today or actually eat with Kirihara. But then again, no one was texting him. Ishida's brother was in town, after all, so they were probably hanging out with each other. And Tachibana and Shinji had shown up walking to the tennis courts together this morning, so. . . whatever had happened there, Kamio was guessing that maybe he should let them have some alone time together. And the others were kind of scattered lately.

"Do you want to go get some sushi?" Kamio asked. "Atobe gave me his credit card."

Akaya snickered. "It didn't take you long to get your claws on his wallet, huh?"

"It's not like that," Kamio protested, blushing. "I left my wallet at home today, I'm going to pay him back."

"Yeah, yeah, let's go." The two of them made their way out of the stadium, Kirihara looking strangely contemplative.

"Hey, Kamio," he said. "You're an eel, right?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Well, if you ate actual eel, would that be cannibalism?"

Kamio stopped mid-step, turning the question over in his head. "You know, I never thought about that."

That's one thing, he guessed, he'd have to ask Atobe about later on.

* * *

Kunimasa was very much aware that there were some people who called him a beast (among them, that idiot bear that Norio always hung around with). And he supposed his life was somewhat animalistic before he had met Norio. . . sleep, eat, fuck, sleep, eat, fuck, make some money, eat, and fuck again. He was a man who was controlled by his baser instincts (really, both Madarama brothers were), but he felt like he had been doing a commendable job lately of controlling those instincts (really, both Madarame brothers had). Hell, he was pretty sure he deserved a medal.

This was, of course, all due to one rather irritating retrograde, one whose smell Kunimasa had somehow become addicted to. And Kunimasa had to admit that it gave him some perverse type of pleasure to see his ring on Norio's finger. Mine, Kunimasa thought whenever he looked at it, property of Madarame Kunimasa. So instead of going off and fucking whatever pretty thing caught Kunimasa's interest, he was waiting patiently for Norio to get his hormones under control, content to jerk off in the shower with some scrap of Norio's clothing pressed against his nose. Which made him feel like some old, disgusting pervert, but. . . he could ignore that for now.

Now, as in, the middle of the day at the Sanada household, no one else at home and Norio underneath him. He had folded a dark bandanna into a strip, wrapped it like a blindfold over Norio's eyes. His fingers ghosted down Norio's chest, making short work of the buttons along the way.

"Are you sure this will work?"

"No. Don't talk," Norio replied, his voice a breathy whisper.

Kunimasa felt his eyebrow twitch. He wasn't completely kosher with the fact that Norio was pretending that he was someone else, even if it was "someone else" in an abstract fashion. But if it meant he got laid he wasn't going to complain. For now.

He leaned down, kissing Norio even as he pulled off his shirt. Norio's kisses were wet and a little bit sloppy, but so deliciously eager. They always got Kunimasa hard, always got him thinking about what else Norio would be eager to have in his mouth.

Kunimasa broke away from Norio's lips to press wet kisses down his chin. He pressed his lips against Norio's neck, tongue sweeping out to taste the salty sweet skin there, sucking at Norio's flesh. It would leave a mark, but Kunimasa wanted it to. Hickeys, love bites, and whatever else, proof that he was there.

And Norio. . . Norio was so responsive. Every touch on his skin elicited a moan, every swipe of the tongue an arch of his hips. He was shivering, obviously concentrating on his control, but able to enjoy Kunimasa's ministrations of his body at the same time.

Kunimasa's tongue trailed lower, down Norio's chest to capture a nipple in his mouth. Norio gasped, shivered some more, but Kunimasa's mouth was free of fur when he let go. His tongue painted circles as he trailed down Norio's abdomen, dipping into his bell button. Kunimasa moved a hand to cup over the groin of Norio's jeans, giving the hardness there a squeeze through the fabric.

Kunimasa unzipped Norio's pants, and took a clumsy moment to pull pants and boxers off of the other boy. There was the most attractive pink flush spreading across Norio's skin, and maybe there was something to this blindfold thing, because this was certainly the farthest they had ever gotten. Kunimasa momentarily wondered what was going on inside Norio's mind, but then decided it didn't matter.

He pulled Norio so that his legs were draped over the side of the bed, and kneeled on the floor between them. He leaned forward and took Norio's little cock inside his mouth, and Norio arched up violently as he did so, tangling two hands in his hair. While he took his time sucking on the other boy, his fingers fumbled with a bottle of lube, finally spilling it out onto his hand.

He took one finger and pressed it against Norio's entrance. So tight, he thought, scowling around the cock in his mouth as his finger only sank in halfway. It was slow work, but after awhile Kunimasa was able to fuck the other boy with one, and then two, fingers.

Kunimasa took his mouth off Norio's cock at the same time he removed his fingers, and Norio whimpered at their absence. But then he stood up, pouring more lube around Norio's hole right before positioning his cock there. He cringed as he pushed in, because it was still tight, too tight. Norio's breath caught as he felt the intrusion. It felt funny, almost uncomfortable, but it wasn't really painful.

Kunimasa slowed his breathing, trying to take control of his instinct to just ram his cock into that tight heat. But he pushed in slowly, until he was completely buried inside of Norio, and then he was just as slowly pulling out. Every thrust got just a little bit faster, just a little bit harder, until Norio was practically screaming in pleasure and Kunimasa was panting above him. He felt Norio come first, heard that gasp and felt the muscles clench around his cock. And then his cock was twitching, spilling itself into Norio's ass.

Kunimasa looked down at the other boy, who had his head thrown back and his eyes closed. As Norio's mouth stayed open in the shape of an o, Kunimasa thought that next time he'd make Norio take him inside his mouth. Make that cute little mouth suck him until his cum came out, and then make it suck on him some more. But that would be next time.

Norio's eyes were blinking open, glazed over from the sex and afterglow. As Kunimasa crawled up him to join him in bed, he threw his arms around Kunimasa's neck, pulling him down on top of him.

"I love you," Norio said, sounding sleepy and happy and generally just well-fucked.

"I love you, too," Kunimasa answered, finding that he really did.