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Heh Killua	By : Dadou Category: +G to L > Hunter x Hunter Views: 4595 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Hunter x Hunter, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money for the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Hello! Here is the last chapter before the real thing. I'm sorry if it's going to slow

Disclaimer: I don't own HXH characters :)

CHAPTER VI: x THE BIRDS AND BEES x

"Sooo are you going to tell me?"

"Mmm"

They were returning from Pandora on a very loaded boat. It was ¾ of chocolate and ¼ children….. It was actually slightly tilted because of the weight; both kids were at the furthest corner, trying still to maneuver it.

"Come on! Tell me! What did the 'old hags' told you?" Gon said for the sixth time.

"Now he calls them old hags" Killua said, rowing and sweating as he sank again his oar into the sea. He was definitely the one doing the most effort. Gon had trouble with speaking and rowing at the same time so he just settled to doing one of both.

"I don't know what 'old hag' means. But it uses the world 'old' so I guess it must be somewhat offensive. But it's fun to say, as you would know" Gon chirped and tried it again

"Oooooold… haaaag… old hag! Oooooold...haaag... oldag! oldag! oldagggggg!" he sang happily.

Killua kept his comments to himself.

Gon looked at him. He'd been more quiet and serious after the reading than ever and Gon didn't like it. He didn't even smack him for acting stupid. He wasn't even celebrating on the tons of chocolates he was carrying back.

"Come ooooon! Tell me! please" Gon resorted to his puppy face.

Killua looked up sighing.

Yep. It always worked.

Killua sank his oar into the sea again. "hi-mit-su."

Oh. Epic fail

"Killuuu~aaaa~! Come on, tell me! What did the old hags told you?"

"you're supposed not to tell anyone no?" he said sinking his oar with effort.

"says who!"

"yours was excellent, I could tell." And Gon nodded emphatically. Killua had diverted the attention, but was actually curious.

Yes. It had been a-ma-zing, the spiky haired boy thought. He hid a smile, as he tried again to concentrate on rowing.

The truth was that he was way too happy. He was trying his best not to bounce out of joy. That made him realize he was probably going to be insufferable today with Killua. But he couldn't help it. His emotions always stirred in the surface of his skin. And he was happy.

He realized that right now he wished he was back at Whale Island… He had so much to ask Aunt Mito about.

If he ever dared ask her, of course. He had a feeling she wouldn't look at him like a monster.

Gon looked at his friend and sighed. It was one of those rare occasions when they were not in tune. Killua was closed up… and sad. Gon could tell. If he could share a piece of the lightness he was feeling. The albino was fixated on pushing and pulling the oar, battling almost with the water, sweating, and bangs of hair falling over his eyes. Gon knew that his mind was positively elsewhere.

But suddenly the albino stopped. Not refraining anymore he opened one of the chocolate boxes and popped a bonbon in his mouth. Relief painted his features. You could tell those damns boxes had him nervous for the entire evening rowing-back. Gon suddenly realized he wasn't rowing and concentrated in doing so.

Meanwhile, Killua tasted the heaven in his mouth.

Mmm...

A bonbon of chocolate and Cheesecake fudge :3.

He felt slightly better. And tossed one at Gon. With certain regret of course. But anyways, the reason they were rowing this hard was because there was such a load of chocolates.

Hours and hours were taken of this day, and night was coming fast.

And he'd failed. He sank the oar and he sank with it into the dark depth...

He could command his restricted motions and empty smiles, but he couldn't rein his thoughts. The lack of solution was itching slowly into exasperation, threatening his firm control over everything. Suddenly he noticed Gon had been meaning to sneak away another bonbon. Being around him always...soothed him. He exhaled slowly.

"So anyways, what did they predict about you?" He poked Gon "you came out so..."

"So what?" the tanned boy lifted his head, licking his chocolate smudged fingers.

Killua observed him. His raven hair, his tanned skin and round handsome cheekbones, those fiery determined eyes. He tilted his grin.

"Well, you were radiant. As if they'd told you Gin Freecs was at the corner or something"

Gon laughed.

"It was more as if I had just eaten an ice cream, or had an orgasm, but yeah" Gon shrugged.

Killua swallowed his bonbon entirely. And choked badly.

"Are you alright?"

"…!" Killua was still coughing. He looked up at Gon annoyed, but then refused direct eye-contact.

"what?" Gon really was dumbfounded

"you" He said sinking his oar into the sea.

"what did I do?"

"…you made me swallow my bonbon. I hate you..."

"Oh, you did not get me! I was using metaphors. I was being descriptive as you were" Gon explained. "You said I had come out of the reading as if I had seen Gin. But I don't know how that feels, Killua. So I said it was more like having just eaten an ice cream or having an orgasm" Gon smiled.

Killua's face drained from color, chalk white. He'd dropped the oar.

In delay he noticed and blushed fiercely at his empty hands. In a quick move he retrieved it.

"Are you ok?"

"...And he calls that being descriptive!" he said annoyed.

"why are you blushing?" Gon asked amused.

Killua wanted now positively to jump from the boat "I'm not" He said angry.

"Right" amused grin

"I'm not!" Killua's blush was now severe.

Awkward silence. Killua looked for safety to his hands, it was usually him mocking Gon, not the other way round, not to add his thoughts were now all incoherent. He tried to speak but ended up mouthing like a fish out of water. Or felt like one.

"So...did... did you..."

"what? Eat an ice cream or had an orgasm?" Gon chirped "Of course not! How could I at the reading with the old ladies? I was comparing only how I felt, I was really happy. Anyways you would have known if I had! I would have shared the ice cream anyways if I had one, so don't be angry. But I didn't walk out with an ice cream or a tent did I?" he said simply and shrugged.

Killua was about to have a brain aneurism. Gon wasn't supposed to talk about this stuff! Wasn't he supposed to be the innocent one here? And yet that's how it seemed, his eyes still giant and innocent.

"what do you know about sex?" the albino blurted out before he could contain himself. His blush was now the color of the deep shade of lipstick Mitosan used to wear at the towns parties. The hue was called 'beyond red'. It did not improve with Gon's smirk. He was amused. Agh!

"I know what I've seen in nature and what I observed in animals and people on Whale Island I guess."

People on Whale Island? but then-tent?

Gon continued thinking hard about his knowledge on the subject. "Well, from what I've seen, I've noticed animals act different when they want to mate, and people are all happy after they do it. So an orgasm = cool." Gon shrugged again at the gaping Killua.

"..."

"And I felt extremely cool and happy after their reading I must admit" Gon said brightly as he rowed again. He looked at his friend who pretended to be completely interested on his oar.

"Uh"

Gon cheeks were tinged light pink as he proceeded quite enthusiastic

"Sex is really interesting actually. When two beings lust each other, there is certain anticipation in their moves. It's like a hidden spring under their weight, and you see a primal craving in their eyes, as if they were hungry. Their stance change, their voice strains even, I've seen it many times. But when people like each other it's a bit different though, it's like more in their eyes-mmph!"

Tons of chocolate were shoved inside his mouth.

Killua couldn't possibly be more flushed, feeling completely awkward as he kept his hand over Gon's mouth to force him to swallow the chocolate.

"Waaaa mmmph!" Gon couldn't speak properly now.

Uff... peaceful silence.

Killua let go.

He needed time to regain to normality. What with all these talking! Only Gon with his keen senses and naivety could bring up stuff like that.

Scaary. Positively worse than watching Freddy Krueger when he was three.

Gon swallowed

"Mm they're nice! Thanks Killua! Though it seems you are really bashful about sex-

"so what was it that the hags predicted uh? If you were that happy? Winning money, finding your father? Er..."

Gon laughed at the change of subject.

And Killua wanted to shoot himself dead. He felt miserable...

But Gon pressed no further.

"Nope. None of those" Gon was silent a second, licking his fingers as he momentarily stopped rowing again.

Suddenly he looked so cute…

One of his fingers on his mouth.

And Killua closed his eyes. He ached for Gon's simplicity. He wished he could see the subject as simple, easy and as nice as Gon had made it sound. He wished he had a normal knowledge of the subject...

"Here"

Killua opened his eyes to see Gon's extended hand. Another Cheesecake fudge Chocolate. "For the one you swallowed"

"...thanks"

"Killu..."

And Killua noticed his friend had turned serious. He was troubled.

"what is it?" And he listened intently.

"The ladies…..They didn't know if I was going to meet my father" Gon chose one dark patch of sea to rest his gaze "but…it was not going to happen anytime soon"

There was a brief silence.

"Oh."

That changed plans a little.

Killua examined those sad eyes, like liquid honey. He could tell Gon was doing a serious effort to hide the disappointment. He could tell beyond that how it...hurt him.

"Gon" Killua's voice broke the silence. "I'm really sorry"

"no, it's ok. I guess there are other adventures before that one." He returned Killua's gaze with a confident smile "And I've already said that I'm already happy"

Killua tilted his smile. Unsure...are you?

Gon gave up rowing and lied on his back to look at the starry sky. It was streaked with some thin clouds.

You couldn't tell by looking, but Gon knew it was going to rain.

Killua shrugged and copied him, leaving the oar aside.

"Anyways, we're close to the ship" he murmured.

Gon was now the one quiet. Killua tossed his head to one side to look intently at Gon.

Suddenly Gon felt his hand on his shoulder.

"Gon…the fact they didn't see him near the red strings doesn't mean anything. It certainly doesn't mean that we have to stop looking for him"

Gon remained quiet a few seconds. And sighed.

"I don't want too…but let's face it; it's not going to happen anytime soon. Maybe we shouldn't bother looking for leads…Not for some time at least"

"Bullshit."

"We could do something else. Like something you like for a change... You'd like that no?"

He was really asking. "...I was afraid about what would you say, all this time…but maybe you have found something you want. And if so you are totally free to lea-"

"Gon, don't be such a bore! Geez!"

The albino looked quite vexed as he turned to face the raven.

"Gon...Look" the albino sighed "the ladies, they told us that what they offered us was just a crossection in our lives. That is because the red strings attached to us are constantly changing. Unknown events affect decisions ever so slightly or dramatically. They can change completely the final outlook one day to the other …."

Gon was confused. Yes, they'd said that. And he imagined life was like a sweater being knit by his grandmother's skillful hands...

"Gon, fate is in our hands and we can bend it, dramatically so, if we want to". He knew that from personal experience. Gon interrupted his thoughts.

"You think their Nen specialization is similar to the ability Neon Nostrad had? Her prophecies at the end did turn out wrong because somehow we came in and screwed the landscape"

"Exactly!"

"but it was unlikely for the prophecy to change. Highly unlikely" Gon replied doubtful.

"And the only way to know if there is a sudden turn of events would be to continue looking for that selfish bastard"

"Gin?"

"Yes doh! If so, well then you have two choices: we could return to Pandora every day to those ladies for an update on our state of affairs. Or we could blindly jump to the adventure and see what happens with time. I don't know about you but I'm choosing the one I'll have more fun"

"...me too". Suddenly he realized Gon had been gazing at him intensely.

"Thank you Killu".

Killua nodded and popped another bonbon in his mouth.

But then he noticed Gon's smile was turning into a smirk, his eyes still alight.

"what"

"I wasn't going to stop looking for Gin." And in Gon's eyes shone again that fire: the embodiment of determination. "I just wanted to hear you say all of that." His eyes stared at the skies as he smirked. Killua looked at him in disbelief and annoyance. And against his will he let out the laughter bubbling in his chest. The prick.

Gon felt relief. So he'd made him laugh.

Killua's pocket vibrated. It was his cell phone alarm, telling them it was nine pm; they were to meet Kurapica and Leorio on the ship to dine together.

"Those two will be worried again" Gon sighed

Suddenly Killua sniggered.

"The way you shooed off Leorio yesterday was just epic!"

"uh?"

"You saying 'but you're not our parents' ha ha!"

"Ooh I was not shooing him off. It's true! We're not kids anymore. We can fend for ourselves"

"Yeah I hate when they kid us, as if they didn't know what we've done..."

"as if they didn't know what we're capable off!"

Gon lifted a fist in the air as if fighting for some hidden cause.

"your damn right!" Killua supported him and raised his own fist.

"we are hunters!

"We are!"

"we are terribly strong"

"We are!"

"and we have each other!" Gon chanted his fist still in the air.

Gon sometimes did that- went and said the first thing that came into his mind-like orgasms or friendship- and left him out of breath. Killua smiled and raised his fist again "yeah!"

And the albino added

"And I'm allowed to go and throw you into the water whenever I want!"

"yeah! No, wait that no-"

Splash

Again. AGAIN.

Gon was furious "YOU ALWAYS ARE THROWING ME TO THE WATER YOU STUPID MORON!"

But Killua had done so because they'd arrived to the ship and he jumped easily to the deck to escape Gon's attack. He observed the boy, his now angry expression.

He felt certain fondness akin his chest. The tanned boy had made him laugh. That stupid dope that had been his real intention all the while no?

"DON'T YOU HAVE MORE CREATIVE ATTACKS?"

"Hah! I totally caught you off guard!" the albino said giggling, safe from his spot.

"Ok. I won't attack you. Ill attack them" he pointed the chocolate boat

"DON'T YOU DARE! They have nothing to do with this, don't blame them!" Killua had jumped again into the boat and was quickly moving one by one the numerous bags and bundles with chocolate inside.

Gon, careful to check which one was his friend's bruised wrist, took Killua's good wrist and pulled him back.

Splash.

HAH!

But in an instant Killua was behind Gon, crossing one arm around him to deny him escape, the other pinning painfully his arm to his back

"Now 'GIVE UP!'" he mimicked Hanzo. "Or I'll break your arm!"

"AAAAAAAAH! YOU'RE SO DEAD KILLUA" He turned and pushed the albino to the boat but this one ducked. And somehow situations where reversed as Gon found himself being pushed and imprisoned against the boat by the albino.

He'd grabbed the arm Gon had used to pull him to the water, to bend it over his head. And Gon realized Killua had him pinned against the boat. Killua's wet strands of hair flew from his face, in an expression that made him look indomitable. And he liked it.

Killua was biting his lip, with an intensely smug look.

"Who's the one blushing now" he muttered under his breath.

Gon suddenly realized the heat in his cheeks and bit his own lip. They'd locked eyes. Gon suddenly felt out of breath.

But then the ex-assassin registered from the corner of his eye how one of the boxes precariously balance fell and opened, scattering bonbons to the sea.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

Gon laughed and continued his intents to attack the chocolate as Killua desperately tried to defend his treasure.

Leorio and Kurapica had heard the battle from afar… Leorio meanwhile unloaded all of the… what was it? wait. All of it chocolate? No doubt this one was Killua…

"you'll have to share eh?" he said.

Both kids looked at the doctor.

And in one swift motion they pushed him to the warm warm sea.

It began to rain…

And Kurapica suddenly laughed with such mirth it was lovely to hear.

Four very wet friends were warming themselves against a chimney, in the common room of the ship. Towels in their shoulders, tons of quilts and an enthusiastic conversation. It was raining hard against the roof and decks, and the ship swayed in quite an 'advantaruss' way.

Kurapica was recounting to a foreign girl they'd met how Gon had known all day there was coming a storm. No one- except Killua and the captain- had believed him. Gon interrupted to explain it'd been the reason the sea had been so warm. According to the boy, the birds had 'told' him.

Leorio beat him saying it was no excuse to ruin his doctor suit with water.

Kurapica sometimes lost the track of the conversation, noting, again and again, how Killua was absorbed staring at the fire, quite silent. He was inside a giant sweater Leorio had lent him. He didn't even grasp the vain attempts of that foreign girl to hit on him.

"Hey, have a cup of chocolate"

Killua stared at the blond emptily some seconds, before understanding and taking the mug in his hands.

But he just left it there in his hands, not even taking a sip. And let's remind ourselves, it was chocolate. Kurapica offered to the rest the hot beverage, while eyeing again the small Zoldick.

Killua sighed. Gon had that peculiar ability to make him loose the track of time…

He was so tired and hadn't even noticed.

It had been a long day. And tonight wasn't going to be a piece of cake.

He closed his eyes, the mug warming his cold hands. He was avoiding the issue but it was now hours away.

In some hours he would zombie walk into the said room; he would turn of the handle and would confront his brother. He would try a Nen attack he'd been rehearsing…

The boy closed his eyes and curled inside his sweater even more…the feeling of loathing him…and there it was always, the reluctance to admit he was scared no, the illusion, the vain illusion it was all going to be fine. He left the mug on a small table nearby to lift his knees to his chest. He felt cold.

But he felt most of all tiredness...

His eyes followed absorbed the silent movements of the fire embers of the he could just sleep through it all…If he could just be left in peace…he was so so tired.

He suddenly found himself leaning against Gon, eyes closing. Gon was chattering happily and didn't mind that the sleepy weight on his shoulders was slipping further and further to his lap… Killua had closed his eyes again… Gon's scent… he began to nod away…

He didn't register when Kurapica took him from Gon's lap and carried him to the sofa near the fire.

The Kuruta covered the sleeping boy with a blanket nearby. The boy was fast asleep. And the blond noted how he finally seemed at peace; the troubled expression he had before, now fading into his real child-like features…

These kids had run the entire day to exhaustion it seemed, eh? Kurapica had lifted his eyebrow amused.

He brushed away some of the silver strands from Killua's forehead… And then, he proceeded to do what he'd been meaning from the start: Gently and very slowly he took Killua's wrist to examine it.

It surprised him to find almost nothing of the big bruising and swelling they'd all seen some days before…mmm he probably was a fast healer...

Out of curiosity he lifted the sleeve a bit more as he'd intended that day, when Leorio lifted him by his collar and the boy had paled chalk white.

He was left perplexed.

On the inside of his elbow, clearly printed were three purple bruises. Kurapica's eyes darkened. Hands that had grasped the boy hard enough to leave its impression. Kurapica realized that the wrist below had been Nen healed, probably today at Pandora… He now could Nen trace the healing done.

He observed intently the sleeping boy… now realizing details he'd missed before: the shadow under his eyes, the exhaustion of his brow...Anyone could attack a kid and dislocate their wrist and bruise their arm with enough strength. But only few could actually leave a bruise on this particular kid.

Killua, being just a boy, already was far stronger than most Nen users…

It'd been an issue, the kids being that strong.

Actually, with Leorio they'd been discussing just this last item quite recently.

These kids were rare and unique, strong. Their potential was breathtaking. But they were still kids. You almost felt responsible for them when they were around- what with the many times they'd risked their lives so stupidly. So they'd arrived to an agreement: in the meantime these boys grew they would look out for them.

As the two would immerse on adventures on their own, they always kept an eye with tags and friends and informers who told them they were ok. When letter of them came scarce, Kurapica once, and Leorio on other occasion had even travelled to search for them. Just to check out they were carrying along…

Their adventures spoke for them. When once they Kuruta and the doctor had stumbled with famous Biscuit, she had said with sparkling eyes: two raw gems.

But they were oh yes, still kids, Biscuit confirmed. They suffered and laughed with that every day. And didn't these two get into problems...

Checking that Leorio and Gon were still immersed in conversation at the fire, Kurapica turned to the silver haired boy sleeping. His hands lingered over the collar of his sweater. And he lowered it a little to look for any more signs of violence. There were none. On his neck... but there weren't any.

Not satisfied he grabbed Killua's shirt by the neck and gently pulled it to a side so that he could see better… the albino's brow creased… he murmured something. But kept sleeping soundly still as Kurapica held his breath.

There was another bruise. Large. It went from Killua's left shoulder to the beginning of his collarbone… With that, he now saw a faint little thumb like bruise in his neck, under his ear quite nonexistent if you weren't looking.

As if he'd been gagged.

And that day he had dislocated that wrist, Kurapica was sure.

Of course it had not been a common rock scuba diving. Maybe Leorio had believed the simple little lie. He knew better.

If Killua had been hurt in first place… It probably meant either he had let the damage happen at free will... or quite contrary it had been against a Nen user that –with a specialization of some sort- had left Killua defenseless…Either explanation did not account for the reason Killua would hide such an encounter… Except it had been dangerous…?' or embarrassing…? Or maybe he had something to hide… or protect.

The boy did have something that he wanted to protect.

Oh come on, you think too much. Leorio always said that.

Maybe it had been an accident, and Killua just hadn't reacted properly

Yeah right with their keen senses and Nen.

Maybe it had been fighting with Gon and he was protecting him?

No... Gon, with his blatant personality would have babbled about it.

mmm…

Kurapica swiftly pulled down the boy's sleeve and examined his sleeping form for some minute, worried and wondering.

It was a curse, that of thinking too much out of too little… he just had to ask Killua of course.

He would have to confront him in the morrow.

Gon was suddenly by his side also looking at their sleeping friend.

"My wasn't this one tired" Kurapica commented

"yeah! We had quite a day. He taught me how to drive! isn't he cool? And then a policeman arrested us because we didn't have our licenses but then Killua went and pulled out this trick-"

There was silence where Killua's brow creased and he mumbled something again, to return to peacefulness…

"I better speak softer near him" Gon grinned.

"Gon… I'm glad you're his partner…" Kurapica eyed the tanned boy, smiling. Gon looked at him befuddled. The blond proceeded.

"Before, at the hunter's exam…he seemed a troubled boy. He barely ever smiled. You remember?"

Yes he did. Gon hadn't liked that.

"When he is with you, though, he changes. Around you he seems really happy"

"does he?"

"yep." Kurapica ruffled Gon's hair.

A hand took Gon's shoulder.

"Actually we are all glad to have you Gon as our friend" Leorio was standing right beside him. He bent to look at his face directly. "You're so lively it's contagious" he grinned at the smaller one.

Leorio thought about the conversation he'd held with his youngest friend…and Gon, well… he really did something to your heart. It had to do with his innocence probably… or his… joy of living…

"I'm the one lucky for having friends like you! It's so much fun" he chirped

Leorio ruffled the spiky haired boy as well.

"Still it's no excuse to pull me into the water..." the doctor knocked him.

"ouch!"

Kurapica was smiling at Leorio.

Leorio noticed it, how warm that smile was… Leorio could tell this was one of the few moments Kurapica was himself. Near friendship, near innocence, the blond finally let his defenses down…

Leorio smiled back at Kurapica. Just an instant, their eyes locked in that smile. Kurapica was the first to snap and laugh. Gon had been trying to carry the unconscious boy on his back but Killua was a dead weight.

"I'll take this sleepy lad to his bed" Kurapica offered

He carried him on his back, followed by Gon and Leorio as they fought again about jankenpon laws… It was… warm… that life, where he was surrounded by friends... the blond smiled. He enjoyed so much their company…

He thanked once more to life, the skies and earth, like a prayer… to have given him another chance to enjoy moments like this again...

Killua woke up in his bed with a start-

He'd fallen asleep?

GON!

He sat alarmed checking for the raven.

Killua took a hand to his chest. There he was, drooling and sprawled across the mattress.

The albino sighed and checked the time. It was 23:43.

He had not missed it.

He chastised himself, what was he thinking? Being so reckless! He'd put Gon in danger! The albino looked at his side once again.

There, the tanned boy rested peacefully, his chest slowly going up… then down….

Killua turned once again in the bed.

His thoughts still would come scattered and wild. Even though he had some time to try to settle his feelings down…

The certainty that he would not be able to out force his brother was settling in his chest slowly and unevenly. In front of his eyes ran all the calculations…all the vain stratagems. And he couldn't avoid it, feeling the dread of what was about to happen.

He knew that before, in the far past, he'd grown... used to it... So why was this time different?

It was a big deal he'd cried at his encounter with Illumi. He never cried. Ever. He had a coping mechanism not to feel pain nor pleasure or emotions in extreme situations. Ok, he did feel them. But it didn't get to him; as if he was dissociated or something, a technique learned as a child. But something had lifted all his defenses as if they were nothing. They'd just crumbled like paper...

Gon. It was as if these years with Gon he'd started feeling again. He'd been dead inside before...

Why Illumi had to say 'Gon'...

It had been a long time since the last... He tried not to remember, but involuntary memories surfaced... He closed them violently.

He remembered how he'd decided to ran. He did not care. He felt empty. Dangerously so. And that small part of him that was still alive was raw as burnt skin. Again those hunting images assaulted him -the torture chamber, the table he'd used- Killua tossed in the bed again, as he summoned the memory of his run.

How he'd dug his nails viciously to wound his mother, the hatred, the adrenaline rush and the freedom when her body hit the floor. The smirk and blood on his cheek when rolling away on his skate leaving Milluki behind. He wasn't meant to be innocent.

It had felt so good.

It'd been almost three years since then. They seemed so far. He still did not regret the incident one bit. And yet, he did not know why that night when he escaped he had not attempted against himself. When he'd wanted nothing else that badly. He was empty an unfeeling. All seemed dull and dead. He'd only acted on the one sheer impulse to run away. Out there was nothing, nothing else.

There should not have been anything else.

Now it was different.

Gon, a sea tide of feelings and truth.

Being near him was like resting outside, in the deck, on his back, underneath the sun. Letting his skin hold the sun gratefully.

He had so much to learn about him. And he'd learned already a lot. All this time he'd been gradually allowing himself to... feel. It was weird; with that he'd began to fathom the borders of his self, now that he wasn't someone else's puppet. What he liked, what he didn't like, what he felt. No wonder he'd been so lost at the beginning about what he wanted to do! And yes yes yes he liked chocolate, he was thrilled by electricity and he felt like being with Gon. Drawn to him like a moth to a lamp. Near him he felt he could recover the full extent of his own power- one that hadn't to do with his abilities. That's how they worked together, strengthening each other. Ah... it sounded so stupid he grinned darkly. He did not like to hear he'd been so fuckinly low, tainted and weak. He wouldn't hear about it…

And Gon…

He still felt tainted by darkness. But Gon had this way of making him feel just… normal… Playing all the time, leaving life at ease, laughing, fighting, competing, sharing troubles and solutions, always on the edge of adventure… and just alright.

He was not going to return.

Ever…

He knew Illumi was after that like a wolf hunting with leisure its prey. But he just couldn't and he gulped and swore no he couldn't return to be his... it made him sick. To just imagine the possibility of being lifeless, to return after he'd known the polar opposite, the torture, the mind games, the sickness, the nightmares "My puppet" agh... he turned again. Breathe... try to focus... It was going to be one night... no, probably not. But he'd tell Gon he did not like being close to Illumi and beg him to leave the ship. Yes that would work, just to leave wherever they could. They could steal Illumi's chopper ha ha...

And back to normal uh? Ok, don't worry, just some nights to withstand because Gon is in danger, the chain of islands over and back to normal.

Return to... Gon... and... That real family he had here with his friends...

It's not like he wasn't going to fight- but he had made a deal-and in case things when wrong he did rationalize- it's just... he breathed hard...

yeah... just sex.

Now I'll just go and summon courage.
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Heh Killua