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Of Her Nature III	By : cupnjava Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > General Views: 1542 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gensomaden Saiyuki, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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�Of Her Nature III�

A fanfic of Saiyuki

Author: Cupnjava e-mail : saiyukifanfic@yahoo.com

Rated : M for mature (18 or 21 and up depending on your location).

Contains: Humor, Violence, Foul Language, Adult Situations, Sexually Explicit Activity in part three.

Spoilers: I mention Kanan (how can I not?), the imposter�s episode, and I refer to something that happened on the 9^th dvd in �Brotherhood�. I also do something with Hakuryuu that is NOT a spoiler.

Note: Thoughts are in italics�if it works.

Completion date: April 24^th, 2004

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki. This fanfic is for entertainment purposes only. No money is being made from this fanfic.

Summary: I felt I was focusing too much on my original characters. So, this one focuses on the four we all know and love. This can almost be a stand alone, but I grouped it with �Of Her Nature� because there is over-arching plot progression. Hakkai goes through an identity crisis --- gee what a shock. Gojyo contemplates life.

Most of Part Three is simultaneous action, I hope my writing makes that clear.

Part one: Identity Check

Five days had passed since they had left the Moon Order�s cave. Hakkai was on his sixth straight hour of driving. The hum of the road was burning into his ears. His mind filtered the vibrations of the road, no longer registering them. Hakkai looked off into the flat unchanging landscape. At least the beautiful cliffs a few hours back offered something pretty to look at. Hakkai took this time to reflect on his recent behavior.

I�ve been kind of free with my sexuality and emotions of late, am I slipping back into the way I was? The way I was before I turned over this particular new leaf? Back during my � He almost called it his dark times. No, they weren�t his dark times, his dark times were when he took out two demon clans. No -- the times he was concerned about this instant were what any other person would call their dark times, but these times ---his dim times, his self-destructive healing times--- paled in comparison to his dark times. His dim times, a brief period in his life that came after he became Hakkai, but before he started this journey.

Self-destructive healing times�.now there�s an oxymoron. The dim times, the times I recoiled into reckless bad behavior.

As Hakkai drove, he remembered one particular morning:
Hakkai shuffled out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. He groggily turned on the water for coffee. He didn�t notice Gojyo sitting on the couch.
�Good morning, Hakkai,� Gojyo spoke chipperly.
Hakkai grunted his good mornings and noticed the chipper tone to Gojyo�s voice. Gojyo�s never chipper in the morning. Hakkai looked out the window, his eyes winced as he saw the bright sky. Damn, nearly noon.

Gojyo sat on the couch with a cigarette in his hand and an empty coffee cup on a coaster on the table. His eyes glanced toward Hakkai�s partially opened bedroom door and saw the unmistakable lump of a pair of feet on Hakkai�s bed. �Damn, man. Do I need to install a revolving door to save the hinges?� The jab hung in the air.
Hakkai spoke with a rasp morning voice, �You are the last one to talk to me about chastity.�
�I�m just saying, it�s not like you. You�ve been kinda weird these past few weeks.�
�You know Gojyo, � Hakkai turned and looked at him. �I�m a full grown adult. I have needs and there is nothing wrong with me taking care of those needs.�
Gojyo heard the irritation in his voice and then saw the young woman walking out of the bedroom.
Hakkai looked at her and mustered a groggy smile. He hugged her and said, �See you at six.� Gojyo�s mouth dropped open.
�Yes, sir.� was the timid reply from the woman. She slipped her shoes on and walked out the door. Hakkai didn�t even wait for her to leave before he dropped his obviously fake smile.
No sooner had the door closed Gojyo glared at Hakkai, �Goddamnit! Shit! A literature student? Have you lost your mind?�
Hakkai didn�t look at him as he poured his coffee. �She�s 18. She�s of age. What�s the problem?�
�She�s your student. That�s the problem.� Hakkai sat down in the chair and sat his cup on the table. �Use a coaster, damn it.� Gojyo flung a coaster at him.
It hit Hakkai�s night shirt and bounced off onto the chair. Hakkai looked at it, snatched it up, and clapped it down on the table. He held his cup in his hand.
Gojyo looked at him and shook his head, �First, you start bringing women home from the library, then the bars, now your students. What�s next Hakkai? The freakin high school?�
Hakkai glared at him, shifted one hand and flipped Gojyo off. �Get off my case. You�ve been bringing women home for how long now? Sometimes you don�t even make it to a home. You are calling the kettle black, ya prick.�
�This has been a way of life for me for a long time Hakkai. This is how I am. This is me. This isn�t you. You are polite, kind, caring, considerate and not loose.�
�Oh so, is this some kind of hypocritical do as I say not as I do bullshit?�
�Hakkai, look at yourself. Listen to yourself man. You are not you!�
�Bite my ass, Go---�
Gojyo interrupted him, �Bite your ass?! Did you hear those words come out of your mouth?�
�Who says I can�t be angry? Who says I can�t have sex? Who says I have to be polite and kind and caring and that other shit you said? Who made that rule? �

�Hakkai,� Gojyo softened his voice, �I�ve been this way for so long, I�ve already formed the calluses. I know my behavior is a poor coping mechanism.�
Hakkai looked at him.
�Yeah I read, no news flash there.� He sighed, �Shit, man, this isn�t the way for you. It works for me because I didn�t know better when I started. It was the only way I knew. I had to go for what felt good. I was a kid and it has become my nature. This isn�t you. This isn�t your nature. �
Hakkai sipped his coffee. �Would you shut the hell up? You don�t know me.�
�Bull-fucking-shit I don�t know you! I�ve seen parts of your body that you can never see. I�ve heard your fears and concerns. I�ve listened to your wants and desires. I know you. Right now, I know you better than you know yourself.�
Hakkai looked into his coffee, �So, are you going to hold that over me for-fucking-ever? I didn�t ask you to save me. I had no sign on my back that said �Gojyo take me home�. � Hakkai�s voice mocked Gojyo. He meant this to hurt.
�I�m not holding this over your head. For the record, you said you were glad I saved you. Anyway, I�m not going to let you deflect this away from the real issue. You�re deflecting because you know I�m right. Your behavior, of late, is self-destructive. It�s like an acid slowly eroding your soul.�
�You read too damn much.�
Gojyo put his hands on his face, wiped his hands down and held them out. He realized that bluntness was called for. �You are not going to find Kanan in another woman�s arms no matter how hard you try.�
Hakkai closed his eyes and set his jaw. He threw the half empty coffee cup at Gojyo.
Gojyo ducked and the cup broke against the wall.
�I see,� Gojyo said, �want to throw anything else at me?� Gojyo stood up. �How about the coaster?�
Hakkai glared at him and threw the coaster like a Frisbee at him. It hit Gojyo in the stomach.
�And this?� Gojyo tossed a pillow at him, �Wanna throw that, too?�
Hakkai squeezed his hands into the pillow and threw it at Gojyo.
�Oh, that�s not enough is it? Didn�t hurt me yet, did ya? � Gojyo�s lips were tight and anger resonated in his voice. �Wanna take this to the next level?� Gojyo stepped to the door and opened it. �Why don�t you just come and KICK MY ASS!�
�I will!�
They both stormed outside.
Gojyo stood there watching as Hakkai drew his arm back and punched him in the stomach. �Is that all you got?� Gojyo put his hands on Hakkai�s shoulders and pushed. Hakkai took three steps back and regained his balance.
Hakkai tilted one shoulder down and ran into Gojyo.
Gojyo took several steps back and straightend back up, �Wuss.�
Hakkai drew his arm back and punched Gojyo in the shoulder.
�Pansy, that shit didn�t even hurt.�
Hakkai threw a jab-cross combination at Gojyo�s ribs. That hurt. Gojyo winced and said, �You fight like a god damn girl.�
Hakkai tilted his head down threw numerous punches into Gojyo�s stomach.
�You got speed, but no power, weakling.�
Hakkai cocked his arm back and threw a punch aimed at Gojyo�s cheek.
Gojyo reached a hand up and caught Hakkai�s fist, �Not the face!� Gojyo twisted Hakkai�s hand, pinned it to his back and pushed him away.
Hakkai turned around and planted a side kick mid-thigh on Gojyo. Gojyo�s leg buckled and he went down onto his knees. The forward motion made him put his hands out to protect his face from the oncoming ground. Before he could get off his hands and knees, Hakkai landed a kick to Gojyo�s stomach. Gojyo jerked and a blood came from his mouth.
Gojyo didn�t wipe his mouth as he stood. �Cheap shot. Is that the only way you can do it?�
Hakkai threw another punch. Gojyo dodged.
Punch, dodge, �Damn, man do I need to get a blindfold so you can hit me?�
Punch, dodge, �Why did she choose that way to go?� Gojyo yelled.
Punch, dodge, �Why didn�t they fight harder?�.
Punch dodge. �Why didn�t someone come running for you at the school?�
Punch, dodge, �Why did it have to be your knife?�
Punch, dodge, �Why didn�t you get there sooner?�
Punch, Dodge, �Why didn�t you sense it?�

Hakkai reared back and threw another punch, Gojyo caught this one in his hand. Before Gojyo could react, Hakkai planted an elbow on Gojyo�s cheekbone. The tender skin immediately began to bruise.
Gojyo held Hakkai�s fist as he recovered from the blow and with both arms shoved him away.
With several feet between them, Gojyo looked at Hakkai and spread his arms open. �Is this what you wanted? Me feeling as bad as you do?�
Hakkai looked at his target, blood on his lips and chin, a bruise on his cheek and redness forming in the white part of his eye. �That�s not possible!� he yelled as he ran to punch him in the stomach.
Gojyo took the punch and fell backwards, flat onto his back. His breath got knocked out of him and he gasped for air. Hakkai ran to him and reared his leg back to kick him. Then, he saw his friend --- he really saw his friend lying in the mud, bleeding, bruised and gasping for air. He saw crimson hair and eyes looking at him through a bloodied face. He realized he could kill Gojyo. That thought stopped him cold. He set his foot back down and dropped to his knees. �Gojyo, you ok?�
�Oh yeah [gasp] never better [breath]. � Gojyo smiled as he sat up. Hakkai leaned his head on Gojyo�s shoulder and began to cry.
Gojyo draped an arm around Hakkai�s shaking shoulders, �Got what you wanted?�
Between his sobs Hakkai replied, �No, but what I needed.�
�Good. Because with us like this outside, people are going to start to talk.�
�They already talk.�
�Yes, exactly. Lets go inside before rumors are confirmed.�
It was hard to say who helped who up. Gojyo walked his with arm around his own waist. Hakkai walked with his head down.
Hakkai walked into the kitchen and got some ice for Gojyo�s face. When he handed it to Gojyo, their hands touched. Gojyo looked at him, �No matter how miserable you make yourself...no matter how much of a jerk you want me to think you are, I�m always going to be there for you.�
Hakkai slumped down in the chair and listened to Gojyo.
�After you came back from that temple, you hid your feelings under superficial niceness and empty smiles. You carried that burden for about a year, then you began to feel the pain. You tried to hide from the pain by starting on this downward spiral. That monk wouldn�t have intervened on your behalf if he didn�t see something in you.� Gojyo put the ice pack to his face and winced, �I let the first phase go, I knew it would come to an end. I tried to let this phase go too, but now your actions are affecting others. You�ve hurt people and you are killing yourself. I can�t sit by and wait for this to end. When you arise from your self-loathing, you�ll see the people you have hurt and you�ll be much worse off. Your body healed long ago; your spirit is still bleeding. You have to give it some time. You have to take time to deal and sort yourself out. I know the real Hakkai is under there somewhere. You have to find him and let him out.� Gojyo sighed, realized the lecture needed to end and tried to lighten the mood. �Oh, and just for the record, you can�t kill me --- not now, not ever, no way, no how. I already know how I�m going to die and you are not keeping me from that. �
Hakkai looked down at his shaking hands. He realized Gojyo had just saved his life, again. Hakkai, who is that?

Something pulled Hakkai back into the present.

Hakkai �..who is that? Am I still going through a phase? I know I haven�t healed. Am I who I portray myself to be? Or do I just want to be that person?
Hakkai�..who is that? Maybe, I�m still Cho Gonou. What was he like? He too, was dark and light, yin and yang all rolled into one. He was a teacher, loved literature, and loved Kanan. And yet��
Hakkai�. who is that? Maybe I�m really that mean, bitter guy, destined to leave a wake of ruin while plummeting towards my own self-destruction. There is after all a small part of me that enjoys killing --- how else can I smile through an attack and ask Goku to �leave some for me�?
Hakkai �. who is that? Maybe I�m really the nice guy? Maybe I smile while I fight as a way to distance myself from horror that I perform. Kill or be killed right? I can�t let myself die, I�m needed. They depend on me and I�m always there. Maybe that�s me --- Mr. Dependable.

Hakkai�..who is that? Maybe I�m all of those. Maybe I�m splintered and destined to carry out the rest of my wretched existence in a state of flux? Ever wandering, not knowing when I will be pushed beyond my own control.
Hakkai �.�Who is that?� He mumbled, barely a whisper. He felt a hand on his shoulder.
�Hakkai! You in there?� That was Gojyo�s voice.
�I don�t know?�
�Huh?� Gojyo squeezed Hakkai�s shoulder.
�Stop the goddamn jeep!� That was Sanzo�s very loud, very angry voice.
Suddenly Hakkai was back in the jeep --- driving. He looked beyond the jeep and saw the edge of a washed out bridge coming fast toward them. Hakkai slammed his foot down on the brake and screamed.
The jeep screeched to a stop just a few inches from the edge. Hakkai�s eyes and mouth hung wide open. Sweat covered his brow and his hands gripped the steering wheel.
Sanzo looked at the river, looked at Hakkai, and looked at the broken bridge, �Damn, no choice.� The words from his mouth were merely figures of speech. His philosophy was that there are always choices. For this situation the choices were:

1) Take a chance and let Hakkai continue to drive even though it was obvious that he shouldn�t.
2) Take a chance on someone else�s driving ability and trust that Hakuryuu would allow it.
3) Walk --- that�s just NOT going to happen .

4) Camp by a river.
He mumbled as he got out of the jeep. �We have to camp here for the night.�
Sanzo walked off the bridge and stood on the river bank. Goku jumped out of the jeep and followed Sanzo.
Hakkai still hadn�t moved. Gojyo hopped in the front seat and looked at his friend. �What the hell was that?�
Hakkai closed his mouth and swallowed, he turned his head and looked at Gojyo.
Gojyo looked into his eyes and saw the panic.
�Gojyo,� Hakkai quietly began, �Am I being self-destructive again?�
Gojyo looked at him, �What do you mean?�
�Well, my temper has gotten away from me a few times recently and I�ve gotten in bed with two women. Two different women, that I barely knew and I probably won�t see again. Am I reverting back to �that time?�
Gojyo smiled and chuckled, �So, that�s what�s been getting to you. No, you�re not. It is unrealistic to expect you to be nice all the time --- you lost your temper appropriately. And, well� you are a grown man with needs and desires. There�s nothing wrong with meeting those. Don�t worry, I won�t let you self-destruct, Hakkai,� Gojyo touched Hakkai�s leg. �Don�t forget you were born human.�
�So, it�s flux.� Hakkai didn�t agree that his loss of temper was appropriate.
�Huh? One of these days Hakkai, you are going to have to let me into your little world. It�s got to be a damn interesting show.�
Hakkai slowly backed the jeep up and started setting up camp.
They ate dinner around the campfire, Sanzo stared off into the river.
Hakkai sighed, �Ok, there is something I have to know.� They looked at him as he smiled, �Why is it that we are in a desert and yet there is rain, snow, rivers and forests? How can that be?�
They all thought about it. He had a point, how could they be in the desert one day, a forest the next, snow one day, and rain the next?
Sanzo lit a cigarette and let out a stream of smoke, �The change in Shangri-la is affecting more than the demons. The world is going into chaos. We are the only ones that can stop it.�
They sat in silence, the weight of their mission bearing down on them.
Hakkai looked up at the clear night sky. The stars twinkled at him. Hakuryuu looked up at Hakkai and peeped. �Bed time, huh, little fella?� Hakuryuu nipped and pulled at the bed roll. Hakkai smoothed out his bedding and laid down facing away from the fire. Hakuryuu curled up near his stomach. Hakkai draped a hand over a paw and slowly drifted off to sleep.
Goku and Gojyo laid down on their bed rolls.
Sanzo smoothed out his bedding and laid down, but the roar of the river was deafeningly loud in his ears. He tossed and turned for what felt like hours. With his frustration building, he finally sat up and looked at the river. He got up and walked down to the broken bridge. He sat down with his legs hanging over the side and lit a cigarette.
He heard a small little voice inside his head.
�Sanzo, I�m scared.�
�I know Kouryuu, I�m sorry.�
�I�m worried, Sanzo.�
�I know, I�m sorry. I failed to protect you.�
�You didn�t fail me, Sanzo.�
�I allowed you to get hurt, I failed you. I got close to her, and when I thought I was going to lose her, we got hurt. I failed you.�
�You didn�t fail me.�
�I promised you, that we would never hurt again. I promised you that we would not care enough for anyone ever again that it would hurt us.�
�Sanzo, you strive for the unattainable and that�s what hurts me. That�s what scares me. That�s what worries me.�
�Love always hurts, this way is best.�
�This way is killing you Sanzo. This way is hurting us.�
�I don�t understand.�
�It�s not the love that hurts, Sanzo. Look at your friends and look with the eyes of your heart. I�m counting on you, Sanzo. Please, don�t fail me.�
�Please, don�t fail me�.please, don�t fail me�.please, don�t fail me.� That tiny little voice echoed over and over and over again in his head. As the voice faded, the sounds of the river came back to his ears. The river didn�t sound so loud. He stood up and made his way back to camp.
He looked at the dying embers and at the companions that surround him. He smiled in the shadows, he didn�t know how or why they liked him. He didn�t even like him. But, he knew they did like him. They trusted him; they believed in him. He looked over at Goku. They loved him. He shook his head subtly, and hoped that one day he might understand. His eyelids felt heavy. He laid down and drifted off to sleep.

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Of Her Nature III