R�n� �r /Nevertheless/

Rán’ ér /Nevertheless/
Standard disclaimers apply!
This takes place before Eriol enrolls in Sakura and Li’s school. It’s not AU – more like an insert.

“Hiragizawa! Matte!”

There was a breeze that blew around him, air cool and crisp as he turned to the boy running after him. It was Sunday, and tomorrow would be the first day of class. Nearly all the students were headed for the park.

“Konnichiwa, Shaoran.” Eriol greeted, calm movement and expression gentle as his manner of speaking. “How can I help you?”

Li glanced away, not wanting to establish eye contact. For some reason Eriol had a way of addressing him that felt too… personal. He cleared his throat, getting right down to business.

“About yesterday,” he started, forcing himself to stop thinking too much, “Come to my house at seven.”

Eriol smiled, hand clasping the strap of his bag. “Hai. That would be fine.” At this Shaoran, accidentally it seemed, looked at him; their eyes met, and the boy hastily turned around to leave. He didn’t bother to say goodbye.

No footsteps, just a sudden weight on his shoulder as he was walking away, and already Eriol had walked past him leaving him motionless in the middle of sidewalk, warmth husked against his ear spreading across the bridge of his nose and over his cheeks. He stood there and watched him cross the street, disappearing into a corner. He clenched his fists, fighting the sudden tremor that he understood to be only one thing.

*Tonight…*

Something inside told him something was about to happen. And his instincts had *never* been wrong.

***

Five minutes. The tick and tock of his bedroom alarm clock was hardly audible before, but now it tinkled to the very core of his ears with each second and it was killing him. Li dove at his bed and grabbed the device from the headboard with a grunt and stuffed it under his pillow.

It was six fifty-five, fifty-six, and from what he knew of Eriol he was *always* punctual. They rarely had guests for dinner and so at the announcement his guardian had created a wonderful meal fit for at least six people, even dessert.

Li grabbed his other pillow, pressing his face against it. Why was he so nervous? Eriol was coming over for dinner, period. They had just finished playing soccer the day before and were inside the locker room when their coach called them, congratulating them for scoring the most points at each game. By the time they got back the room was empty.

Black boxers, endless pale skin – Eriol had turned around, then calmly stripped in front of him, entirely bare as he walked away from him towards the showers. And Li had sat there all the while staring, turning red to his roots when Eriol glanced back and smiled at him. Quickly he covered his own chest with his uniform, turning around himself as he hastily put it on and decided to shower at home.

“Why are you so bothered, Shaoran? I’m the one who’s attracted to you.”

“Eh?” Li frowned for moment. Then chocolate brown widened to what must be saucer-size, Li’s face flaming up. “Oi, oi! Did you just…”

Eriol had simply laughed. Then he asked if he could come over his house for dinner the next day.

*Why* did he say yes?!?

Well, he couldn’t take it back, and the next day Eriol had been constantly by his side, passing the ball almost exclusively to him. Not once did he mention dinner and it bothered him, wanting Eriol to ask and somewhat initiate a reminder of their rendezvous. And when he didn’t again Li felt the need to do it himself, the matter hanging between them unspoken but expected.

The fact that bothered him most was why it bothered him in the first place. It wasn’t as if Yukito was coming over… Tsukishiro Yukito. Shaoran frowned; he did not want to think about he to him either – he was edgy enough. Actually, the last time he checked he and Eriol were just teammates, dressing up, doing footwork and even napping in the benches side by side. There was the invitation to a snack from time to time, ice cream and walks in the park, and Eriol’s way of getting near him all of the sudden, but… Had a few well-timed enigmatic murmurs and glances, a touch here and there and – Li glowered – a couple of commendably executed attempts to charm him suddenly propelled his status from pal to… to…

He remembered Eriol running a hand through his hair after showering – he did it almost every time despite Li’s warning him not to. Eriol sleeping on his lap. Sharing his ice cream. He *saw* this coming, didn’t he? It stung to admit that maybe, he didn’t, because he ignored the signs and ignored the pounding of his chest each time.

Li shook his head, checking his watch. That was odd. It was exactly seven, and yet his visitor wasn’t…

Ding dong.

Li gulped, feeling his insides clench, He should have known better; Eriol was here, and right on the dot. He stood up, suddenly conscious of his appearance; he had thrown on a dark green t-shirt over khaki pants and knew he looked okay, so there. He didn’t care about what Eriol would think, not at all… Quickly he ran a hand over his hair and hastened to his closet to change into a new shirt.

When he went downstairs the table was set, complete with soup bowls and linen napkins, and there stood his butler with a food tray accompanying his guest. Li stood beside his chair, wondering where Eriol was.

“Good evening, Shaoran.”

Li inhaled deeply, as light footsteps approached him from his side and Eriol removed his hat in greeting. It took a moment for him to respond as he saw the boy, and chagrin fought flightiness at sight. Eriol was, well, well-dressed! He rarely saw him other than in a soccer shirt and shorts; tonight he looked impeccable in a skin-paling red jacket up to his knees, dark pants and what seemed like a smaller black jacket over a white button-down shirt.

He did mourn not seeing the flawless fair limbs though…

Eriol walked to his seat, graciously waiting for him to sit down before doing so himself. Soup was served and they had kept silent until dessert, Eriol constantly smiling each time they glanced at each other. It wasn’t as bad as Li thought; the meal was wonderful and was served in intervals. They weren’t left alone together for long periods.

Finally dessert came and they were treated to banana cream pie - Eriol looked especially pleased. “This is one of my favorite desserts, Shaoran!” He mentioned, holding up his fork for a bite. He looked up at the butler and smiled.

The old man smiled back, then stepped forward. “Eriol-san, if may I ask, did you just call Master Li by his first name?”

Eriol nodded.

“Ah!” He glanced at his young master with an approving look. “Did you know that only Master Li’s relatives and those close to his heart may call him that?”

“Sou ka?” The look on Eriol’s face was deliberate, intentionally exhibiting restraint of a much more jovial – almost naughty – expression. Li had turned crimson to his roots.

“Sou ne!” Once plates were emptied and both boys were done with second servings the kindly gentleman bowed before their first time guest, his concern for Li very evident in his reaction. “I am glad the young master has learned to make neiendiends here in Japan. I hope to see you more often, Eriol-san. Good night.”

“Good night to you, too, and thank you.” Eriol wiped his mouth with his napkin and reached for his glass. His was still half-full; Li’s was empty.

Li stayed on his seat, not quite anxious but not completely at ease either. It was odd how wary he was of Eriol’s actions now, considering how well-mannered and composed the boy always was, or at least seemed to be. Now that dinner was over Eriol would be leaving and the night would be over – it was really that simple. Li wondered why he had been so…

“Do you stay here alone, Shaoran?”

Li frowned, eyeing Eriol as he held on to his glass as if it was a barrier between them. They had shared the entire meal in relative silence. Why was Eriol asking this now? “Yes.”

Eriol smiled. “Ah. Can you show me your room?”

If there ever was a reason why Li was jumpy earlier that evening, this seemed to be a *great* part of it. He stared at Eriol, vaguely aware of why it made his heart leap just hearing him ask such a question. It was normal practice for male friends to go to each other’s houses at go up to their rooms to see what toys and books and other “cool” things they had. He forcefully ignored the familiar tremor and nodded without thinking, not wanting to keep thinking at this point.

They proceeded upstairs, lights all turned off in the entire hallway as they made their way to the last room on the left. Li realized that he must have left the lights on inside his room from the thin slice of fluorescence under his door. The moment they entered Eriol stood by his bed. “May I?”

*I’m the one who’s attracted to you.* Li shuddered. “Un.” He walked to his study table, as far away from Eriol until he could calm himself, and pushed a few books back into the corner of the desk on by one. He had always been neat in keeping his room, after living with older sisters who went ahead and fixed his things themselves if he didn’t back in China. It was annoying having to look for everything each time they had their way with his room and he also wanted some privacy.

He glanced back at Eriol, whose back was turned on him. He was staring to feel better, and it felt rude just standing there.

Li sat down on his bed, facing the window. Eriol was sitting exactly the same way, feet on the floor, on the opposite side of the bed. “Why did you want to go here?”

“Honestly,” Eriol explained, his tone very light but sincere. “I am here, as you worry about, to catch you unguarded.”

Unguarded? Eriol couldn’t possibly be a threat to his life, could he? Li turned around swiftly at hearing this, almost falling of the bed in shock when Eriol had crossed the bed without him noticing, face inches away from his as sat in the center of his bed. Eriol caught his shoulders before he tumbled backwards.

Then he kissed him.

Large brown eyes stilled, lips going slack as soft ones brushed against them gently, in contrast with the surprising strength of insistent hands that held him in place. For a moment they had remained that way, Li’s responses shutting down long enough for Eriol to slip a hand on the nape of his neck; when his tongue slid lightly against the part of his mouth, however, Li jerked backward.

And fell off the bed. “Itai!!!”

Eriol extended a hand but drew it back quickly when Li tried to slap it away. “Ahou ga! What, w-what…”

Eriol pushed himself off the bed on the other side, clicking the lights off before walking calmly to where Li had fallen. Moonlight barely penetrated the room and Li’s eyes took a moment to become accustomed to the darkness and yet it was easy to see Eriol, pale as he was. The boy, it seemed, had less of a problem, not stumbling once and kneeling right before him.

Li knew his cheeks were flushed red visibly even in the darkness. He ought to kick Eriol out of his house now, but for some reason was compelled to see what Eriol was going to do next. Besides, he didn’t expect this to happen so fast, but he knew things would lead to something of this sort…

“You’ve never done anything like this before, haven’t you?” Eriol asked, voice very steady and almost, soothing. He sat down on bent legs, careful not to touch Li. “Is this okay with you?”

Li stared at the earnest face, confused with how to answer that question. Eriol spoke to him in such a manner that *always* worked, no matter what he was asking. Eriol *kissed* him. He did not, however, blush furiously or make a big deal out of it, which made Li feel even more inexperienced. How did Eriol know that?

Li pushed himself up to sit straight and seem more presentable. He hated looking so anxious in front of Eriol while he seemed to know everything. “Why?”

That answer Eriol didn’t expect. “Why what?” He clarified.

“Baka!” Li frowned, annoyed that trying to look half as calm as Eriol did was impossible to do even for a minute. “Why did you kiss me?!”

“Because I wanted to kiss you, Li Shaoran.” Straightforward, tone still mild and honest. It was this type of candor that always made him seem so mature – and made Li fell less. Why was it so easy for Eriol to say it, and so hard for him? Why couldn’t he profess his feelings for Yukito back then? And to Eriol, why couldn’t he even admit to himself that he *wasn’t* really upset? That he did want Eriol to kiss him?

He must have some sort of weakness for kind smiling boys with glasses…

It was naive foolishness. Li searched dark blue pools for any trace of tension, for regret, for duplicity. And when he found none declared that he was capable of such courage, inhaling deeply as he intently kept their eyes locked. “Hiragizawa, I…”

“I,” his first premise failed and he cast his eyes to the floor, but he continued to speak. “Will you kiss me again?”

There was mild surprise in his expression but Eriol nodded once before placing a hand on Li’s knee, leaning forward to rest his weight with his other hand on the floor near Li’s hip. Then he waited.

“Well?” Li asked, face turning a shade of red brighter.

Eriol smiled, and pressed the part of his lips against his lower lip, eyes lidding; very softly he kissed him for the second time. Li had closed his eyes as well, allowing himself to enjoy it this time, unsure of how to respond but still trying. Eriol’s lips were warm and patient, taking its time to explore the sweetness of Li’s first, well, first-time to allow it, kiss. When he withdrew Li was quietly panting, hand grasped firmly on his jacket.

Li Shaoran, five grade, chocolate brown eyes and hair. Eriol reached for the thick head of hair and ran his fingers through it; the strands were always surprisingly soft. He wanted to know just how far Li would let him take this, and so did Li. Wide eyes were staring right at him.

“Don’t be so nervous, Shaoran.” Eriol murmured, straightening his legs as he bent further over Li, easing him to the carpet as he lay over him completely. He was confident that if Li wanted him to stop, he would inform him without delay. He opened the first button of Li’s shirt and delved on the skin of his jaw, down to his neck. Li squirmed uneasily.

“W-what are you, ah!” Li clutched at his shoulders, although not to push him off. “Hiragizawa…”

Firm, but supple. He went slowly, tongue tracing the contours of Li’s chest lower and lower, shirt buttons opened one at a time while he lapped at pinkish nipples undoubtedly untouched before. Li was biting his own forearm in torment. He let his hands explore every which direction, sliding down slim hips and fingers slipping into the band of Li’s pants, tugging a little to make his boy aware of what was next.

“Mmmp… ummmp…”

Eriol paused, pushing himself up just enough to look at Li’s face. Unlike what he had expected, Li *wasn’t* resisting. Instead he lay there, arms and shirt and heart open to what Eriol may wish; and this bothered him.

Perhaps he had underestimated Li’s feelings for him. If they were both ordinary boys making out then it would be almost normal, but for the two of them there was a distinct difference. He had a great part of Clow Reed’s memories and he knew what was after this step, and Li was too mature, too intelligent for childish foreplay; his precocious nature would no doubt be enough to push Eriol beyond the line he was willing to cross. And with his knowledge of sex and Li’s youth, despite his own supposed youth as well, he knew his physical age was but a pretense and to take this further would be taking advantage of Li. Not that he couldn’t erase the whole encounter afterwards, but sans the memory the physical consequence on Li’s body, the awareness of his sexuality and the loss of his virginity were affairs entirely personal and of great magnitude to Li’s psyche, and Li’s *life*. Eriol did not want to accomplish so much, and perhaps…

Perhaps he, too, underestimated his feelings for the boy. If they went through with this he was afraid he might not have the strength to let go.

“Hira… Eriol?” Li propped himself on his elbows, face confused and a little apprehensive as Eriol pushed himself up, running a hand over his hair as he leaned by the bed. Shaky toffee colored eyes asked what hung between them and glimmered with the potential for hurt. Why so sudden, stop?

“Shaoran, I don’t think we’re ready for this.” He wanted to kick himself, for taking matters this far then suddenly having second thoughts. He was ready, but… Clow Reed was too sentimental, he guessed.

Li sat up as well, rubbing his palm against his shoulder. “Didn’t you want to k-kiss me?” He was beginning to sound impatient, although still a little embarrassed.

Eriol clasped his hands, in an effort to avoid touching Li and to cover up the proof of his arousal urging him to continue. “We should stop… at kissing then.”

“I don’t understand,” Li frowned. “We were only just kissing.”

“Ah.” Eriol smiled, resisting ruffling Li’s hair or some other gesture that gave away how he saw the boy. He was yet to understand what effect he had on Eriol, something he himself did not expect to be so potent until he finally tasted full, pliant lips and fresh-scrubbed golden skin, boyish sweet voice breathing heavily in his ear with so much surrender…

He didn’t want to explain any further, and there was no way really to. He couldn’t tell him that he was really older, at least in mind, and felt as if he was going to take advantage of Li under the pretext of just kissing. Carefully he stood up and extended a hand to Li to pull him up. “I should go home.”

“Chikusho!” This time Li hit his hand. He stood up by himself and faced his desk. He crossed his arms, unbelieving of what was happening. “This is all just a game for you.” It wasn’t a question.

“Shaoran.” This time Eriol was the one losing control of the situation. He stepped forward, suddenly awkward; had Li taken his actions for rejection? But there was no way he could explain how this was for Li’s good without revealing everything…

“Go home, Hiragizawa.”

Eriol inhaled deeply, more disheartened then he had expected to hear Li call him by his last name again; Li was truly upset. And he shouldn’t expect any less – he had just taken the boy’s first kiss, and more. This was surely Li’s first experience of this type; he was subjected to the same vulnerability and need for affection, assurance, as anyone else.

He reached for Li from behind, pulling the surprised boy close to him as possible. His resistance was crumbling with every thought of Li’s situation. Li may not know what exactly they were skipping, but he knew he was missing something and he *wanted* it. Not to mention Eriol wanted it himself, so badly that…

It was his mistake, all this, taking his fascination for his young descendant for granted. Now he had rejected Li because he couldn’t handle the consequences. But lo… lust, he insisted, lust was fleeting and attraction passed on – he would get over this boy if he had to, if it meant giving Li what they both wanted and not needing to hurt him any further.

As he turned Li to face him, Li unresisting despite his uncertainty, gathering him in his arms for the last final kiss it *hurt*. This was his final goodbye. Li’s arms encircled his waist and pressed their bodies firmly against each other and he could feel the boy almost reflexively rubbing against him. There were consequences that just had to be faced, the scent of soap and bakeries and jasmine tea and all that was his boy, *his* boy for tonight. He hastily unbuttoned Li’s trousers and unzipped it, pushing Li back to his desk.

“No game, Shaoran,” he panted, kneeling in front of Li and pulling his pants down. By this time his defiance had melted away – if he could at lest make it up to Li, give him this… “This is it…” He looked up at Li’s face and the boy nodded.

Eriol pulled white boxers down and breathed in, Li fully aroused and ready for him as he opened his mouth and engulfed half his length right away, sucking heavily all the way off. He heard Li gasp and continued, not quite sure of what to do from experience but rather from what he thought felt good. This was a first for him, giving the intimate kiss, but it had been done to him many times in the past and Yue’s talents were utterly unforgettable…

Li’s thighs were trembling against his palms as he slid them against the inner parts, and he felt Li brace himself, knuckles white from tension as gripped the edges of his desk tighter, every inch of his body begging for gratification and finally… heat and cold flew racing up and down his groin and he climaxed into Eriol’s mouth, elbows bending and his entire body collapsing towards the floor.

“E-eriol…” He finally spoke, a boneless pile of boyish satisfaction in Eriol’s arms. He pushed his upper body upwards to look at his face and smiled, a real smile, staring into calm blue that waited for him to come to.

“Are you alright now?” Eriol asked, face bright without his glasses. He looked at Li sadly and kissed his temple.

“Mm…” Li rested his head on his shoulder and lingered for a moment longer. “What about you?”

Eriol patted his back, whisper a quite warmth against his ear. “Don’t worry about it. I have to go.”

“Nani?” Li sat up once more, first looking a bit upset, Then his expression softened, although not so much. “You’re kidding right?”

Eriol lifted a hand to the sweat-misted forehead, Li’s eyes widening in shock as a response to Clow Reed’s ki. “Eriol… teme…!”

And in an instant swirling brown had stilled, blanking, the arms around Eriol’s waist falling to his sides as Li lost consciousness in his embrace.

*I’m sorry…*

***

“Sasaki Rika?”

Tomoyo glanced at their classmate, face beaming as she raised her hand to say “present”. She had turned birght red when he entered the classroom, revealing himself to be their class adviser for that year. Rika and Terada-sensei were so cute, and cuter to her even because she knew she was the only one who noticed.

The classroom was full of energy, as always, and she was glad to see Sakura so genki. Maa, Tomoyo was a little jealous, but not so much. It was because Sakura was being so nice to Li - her friend was starting to get attached to the boy and it seems she was unaware of it. But of course Tomoyo knew. And she was happy for her.

“Okay class,” Terada-sensei started, clearing his throat to get attention. “We have a new student.”

The door slid opened and a dark-haired boy stepped in, bowing to the teacher as he greeted him. Terada-sensei looked slightly amused. “His name is Hiragizawa Eriol. Why don’t you sit beside, Li Shaoran, right over there.”

“Hai.” Eriol bowed again before walking to his seat. He laid his bag on his table and just stood there, glancing at his seatmate.

“Good morning, Shaoran.”

Li raised was taken aback – he called him by his *first* name! “Don’t call me that.”

Glasses, deep blue behind them. A voice in his ears and… Li shook his head. He was sure they hadn’t met before, although it felt strange just being near him, as if… nonsense. Quickly he concluded that he didn’t like this one.

“Ah. Li i.” E.” Eriol agreed. And he *winked* at him.

Li growled, murmuring to himself. “Teme…”

*I’m the one who’s attracted to you.*

What the… What was that? Li blinked, then glanced to his side. That voice. He looked at Tomoyo, who was already writing on her notebook. If she didn’t hear anything then Hiragizawa could not have spoken… When Eriol caught his eye he glared then hurriedly looked away.

Eriol sat down, still smiling. Li would forget last night, forget his touch and their togetherness, but perhaps the shadow of desertion would never leave him and always will he have misgivings about Eriol for no tangible reason. There were other things fated for the both of them - this he understood full and well; one night in his arms meant losing the bond they shared for life, simply because, he could not afford to have Li Shaoran.

Nevertheless…


Owari ^^

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