Thwack!

NOTES: First Saiyuki fic. After reading countless 585 and 393 fics, I decided to write this. It probably sucks, but Goku needs to be seme a lot more.
Also, Jeep/Hakuryu is referred to as Hakuryu in the fic, because I think more people recognize that name. That is also why I spell the names the way they are translated, as opposed to my usual literal romanization – Gojou, Sanzou, Gokuu, etc.
The title is completely unoriginal because I don’t care anymore at 2.43 in the morning.


It was their first time, and it was going horribly wrong.
Goku couldn’t figure out why he kept messing up. He thought it had been terribly romantic of him to compare Sanzo to a meat bun. *He* would have certainly appreciated it.
But Sanzo, after a few good thwacks with his fan, was willing to overlook it. And after that, Goku learned that poetry would not be a good idea, because a) he wouldn’t write it, and b) Sanzo hated it. In fact, Sanzo seemed to hate any sort of wooing that Goku thought up, including the romantic second dinner. Ow! Sanzoooo~!
With that reminder (ow) out of the way, Goku decided that it was probably about time they started on the…the…the thing where you led up to the really, really good stuff. That thing. Foreplay, yeah.
And that went *wonderfully*…until Sanzo cut his hand on Goku’s shoulder pads. And Goku wrinkled the Maten Scripture. And Goku pushed Sanzo onto the bed too hard, causing the blond to hit his head on the wall. *That* earned Goku a few more thwacks.
*I will kill that fan the first chance I get,* Goku thought angrily, rubbing his head.
“Well? What are waiting for, a damn invitation?” Sanzo growled.
“What? *Ow!*”
“You stupid little- you’re supposed to-” Sanzo cut himself off, and despite his best efforts, blushed a little. “-supposed to- have at me!”
That phrase seemed familiar somehow to Goku, but he shrugged it off. Mentally. God, he wouldn’t want to see Sanzo’s reaction if he shrugged during *this.*
“What does *that* mean?” Goku asked. It didn’t even make sense. Have at? What?
Sanzo gritted his teeth and seemed to turn redder. He threw his legs apart – well, tried, anyway.
“Goddamn robe!” he nearly shouted, ripping off his sash and opening his robe.
“Okay, you can take off all that stuff on your *own,*” Goku said, pulling off his own tee-shirt. “I’m really, really bad at taking leather off.” Goku’s golden eyes widened as he realized what he had just said. “Oops.”
Sanzo felt his blood begin to boil, but decided that this- sex…was more important at the moment. He always knew that damn water sprite took Goku to a club once. That was the night Goku had walked – no, positively *floated* - past the dinner and up to his room in a daze.*
It bothered Sanzo to no end that he was the only virgin on the trip. Well, that would be fixed soon. Hopefully.
“Are you finished now?” Sanzo sneered as he threw his jeans somewhere towards the floor.
“You’re the one who couldn’t get his own robe off!”
“Shut up,” Sanzo commanded, grabbing Goku by the shoulders and pulling him down on the bed. “Here,” he grunted, shoving a bottle of lubricant into Goku’s hand. “I’m sure you know what to do.”
“Uh-huh,” Goku nodded, seeming to realize for the first time just what was happening.
THUD.
Goku and Sanzo both sat up straight at the noise. Demons? No, they would have been in the room by now…
“…”
“…”
“What are you staring at, you moron? Get to it!” Sanzo ordered, falling back and pulling Goku back down.
“Ah! Geez, Sanzo, quit being such a jerk!” Goku shoved Sanzo back some more and grabbed the lubricant. “Bossy bastard…” he muttered.
“…”
“…”
“Ah! Ow! You're not doing it right, you stupid monkey!” Thwap! “Use more damn lube!”
“Ow! Why do you have your fan out during *this?!* Sanzooooooo...”
“OOOOOOW!!”
“Shit! Sanzo, I’m really, really sorry!”
“Sorry? *Sorry?!* I’ll show you- *shit!*” Thwack.
“WHERE DO YOU KEEP GETTING THAT THING?!”
“I’ll tell you where it’ll go if you don’t- shit!”
“What?”
“No, don’t fucking *stop!* Again, damn it!”
“What, like this?”
“…!”
Squeaksqueaksqueaksqueak…
“Harder, stupid monkey! Har- RIGHT THERE! RIGHT! THERE!”
“I’M NOT A- holy *shit!*”

IN THE NEXT ROOM**
“You know, Hakkai, it’s really weird that you listen to them. Especially when you have me RIGHT HERE!”
“Now, now, Gokyo. There’s no reason to get jealous.”
“*Jealous!*” Gojyo narrowed his eyes at his lover. Being in a long-term relationship was *definitely* not all it was cracked up to be. You began to become content without even fooling around, and you became all possessive and jealous. Long-term relationships *sucked* sometimes.
“I’m simply making listening in to make sure that their first time goes…well, smoothly is too much to really hope for, but…”
“You’re *blushing.* You’re breathing funny like you do when I do *this.*”
“Ah, Gojyo, not-”
THWACK.
“*Ow!*”
Gojyo paused. “Did he just…?”
“-have at me!”
Hakkai turned even redder.
“That bastard’s been listening in on us!” Gojyo hissed.
“Sh!”
“Goddamn robe!”
Gojyo began to snicker, hiding his face in his hands. Beside him, Hakkai was suffering a similar problem, and buried his face in Gojyo’s chest.
“You’re the one who couldn’t get his own robe off!”
This caused Gojyo and Hakkai to want to laugh even harder. Hakkai gripped at his lover as he laughed into Gojyo’s chest.
Their eyes met. The air around them became pink and sparkly. Hakuryu flitted about adorably for a few seconds before perching somewhere discreet and out of sight. Even dragons have needs.
It had been a *really* long time since they last fu- made lo- had se- done anything.
Another problem with being in a long-term relationship was being unsure of how to correctly say “made whoopee.” A more serious problem was even *thinking* the word “whoopee.”
A very good part of a long-term relationship, however, is being able to tackle your significant other and get away with it.
“Shut up.” Pause. “Here. I’m sure you know what to do.”
“Uh-huh.”
THUD.

The end.

Well, that was…interesting…

*Virgin Goku’s just too cliché (however, Virgin Sanzo is just plain funny). I’ve decided his first time was at some club with some person who was wearing leather. The idea of Goku losing his virginity before Sanzo amuses the *hell* out of me.
** Because no 393 fic is complete without an established 585 pairing in the background.