A Fine Mess

Author note: I don\'t own these characters!

***A FINE MESS***

Integra awoke, groggy-headed, in unfamiliar surroundings, seemingly propped up against something that was at once firm and soft, and also warm. She tried to raise a hand to her head to feel for bumps, and found that they were lashed firmly to her sides, and that she was actually tied in an upright seated position. Considering there was no pain in any one spot on her body that could correspond to a knockout blow, she determined that she must have been drugged. She thought back to the last thing she had consumed. Tea, her usual before-bed cup, brought to her by Walter. But he wouldn\'t do such a thing. Alucard. He must have slipped some drug into the pot while Walter\'s back was turned when he had left it to steep. \"ALUCAAAARD!\" she hollered in rage, \"The game is over! Take me back home RIGHT NOW!\" She could just picture him, smirking away at his little practical joke, but'd o'd overstepped his bounds this time!

\"I thought I smelled something,\" murmured a disturbingly familiar voice right behind her, as the thing she was tied to moved a little. \"Smells like a Protestant sow to me...\" Maxwell! \"Very amusing that your first thought is of your little pet abomination.\"

\"What are you doing here, you Catholic swine?!\"

Enrico\'s back shook lightly against hers. How dare he laugh? \"The same thing as you, my /dear/.\" His voice dripped with sarcastic amusement. \"Somehow, I don\'t think this is a prank by that evil toy of yours.\"

Integra frowned. No, Alucard had a twisted sense of humour, but he wouldn\'t go so far as to lock her in a room with the head of the damnable Iscariot Organization. And anyway, Alucard was... overseas... in France. Shit.

***Two days earlier***

\"You called, Master?\" Alucard entered the room in his usual way, slowly soaking through tall all next to the door, rather than actually use the door like a normal person. As if he expected it to unnerve her. But Integra was long used to his ways, and simply fixed her steely gaze on him.

\"I have received reports from the French authorities concerning a vampire that has been operating in various parts of the country, including Paris itself...\"

\"Since when have you been interested in the wellbeing of France?\" interrupted Alucard.

\"If you\'ll let me finish... /this/ vampire, I think, is one that you will be interested in.\" Alucard leaned over her desk to look at the images on the laptop screen. \"France has its fair share of Freaks,\" continued Integra, \"Which their military authorities are capable of handling. But this vampire seems more dangerous than your average Freak. She seems to have no base of operations, but has left fledgling vampires scattered all over the country, in no noticeable pattern. One is found in Marseilles, the next in Paris, the same day. But not only that, she has been sighted in daylight.\" Integra pointed at the two blurry images on the screen. Using a program to sharpen the images, they revealed a brunette woman in her early twenties, tall and voluptuous, witminominously pale skin.

\"Daylight...\" mused Alucard, his grin broadening. \"That means we have a /real/ vampire on our hands.\"

\"Walter has arranged for you to be transported across the Channel, so that you can take care of the problem. I trust it is not beyond you.\"

\"It sounds like fun!\"

***Back to the Present***

\"Who would have a reason for wishing harm on both of us?\" Integra wondered aloud, thinking in terms of the religious difficulties between them. \"Certainly for one, or the other, but both together? Do you suppose this is part of a terrorist plot from the Middle East?\"

\"You are forgetting the important thing,\" Maxwell reminded her. \"We both head powerful organisations made to hunt the undead. Obviously this is the doing of a vampire.\"

\"Then why not just kill us and be done with it?\"

The door swung inward with a heavy scraping sound to reveal a woman silhouetted against the dim light from beyond. The captives could now see that the room they were in had no windows and was furnished with a pallet bed with a filthy pillow and sheet, a b met metal toilet facility and on the floor by the door, a cup and a bowl. It seemed the place was designed to be a prison.

\"/Tres Bien/\" said the woman. \"The leettle man ees smarter than \'e looks.\" She came into the room and stood above the pair. Looking up, Integra estimated that the woman would be the same height as she, or perhaps a little taller. She was wearing a short black dress that hugged her curvy figure, and her long brown hair fell in waves to her chest. When Integra looked down, she saw that the woman\'s feet were clad in stiletto-heeled sandals, and her nails were painted. There was little doubt that this was the woman she had sent Alucard to destroy.

\"So we are in France,\" stated Integra. There was hope yet, if Alucard could find them.

\"That ees not so,\" said the woman. \"We are far from France at this time.\" She squatted down beside Integra, lifting her chin with one of her cool, lifeless fingers. \"That would make eet far too easy for your /cher/ vampire servant to find you.\"

\"What do you know about my \'dear\' vampire?\" demanded Integra crossly.

\"Ahh, but I know /everything/ about your little \'Ellsing group. And about this one...\" She indicated Maxwell with a flick of her wrist \"\'E\'s got \'is Eescariot Organisation. And both of you, you think eet ees your job to kill all the vampires in the world. And eet ees a problem.\"

Enrico launched a stream of curses at the vampire woman. \"You are the problem, you filthy vampire harlot, you spawn of Satan, you-\" he was cut off as a pale hand covered his mouth firmly.

\"But,\" continued their captor, \"I, Brigitte du Mort, \'ave come up with a brilliant plan to be rid of both \'Ellsing and Eescariot for good.\"

\"I suppose you\'re going to tell us all about it,\" muttered Integra. \"There\'s got to be a reason you haven\'t killed us yet.\"

\"This ees true,\" agreed Brigitte, releasing Maxwell\'s mouth to gesture excitedly. \"And you will see the brilliance of my scheme. You see, there ees nothing that either of you hate more than vampires, ees there?\"

\"Catholics!\" interjected Integra.

\"Protestants!\" shot back Enrico.

Brigitte waved her hand. \"That childishness aside. I cannot make you change your religions. But I can make you eento that which you detest so much- vampires.\" She grinned, showing her fangs. \"A good plan, no? You will hate yourselves so much you will kill yourselves, or you will go back to your leetle organisations, and they will kill you, because eet ees their job.\" She got to her feet. \"I \'ave other things to do, but I will be back later to put this plan into action. /Au revoir/.\" She waved her fingertips and left, slamming the door behind her.

***

\"Now what do we do?\" moaned Enrico, struggling futilely against the rope pinning them back-to-back. \"I don\'t want to become a vampire...\"

\"We escape, obviously,\" said Integra. \"Give me a minute.\" A moment was spent whilst she tried to twist her right wrist so that her fingers could hook over the edge of her trouser pocket.

\"What in God\'s name are you doing? I\'m uncomfortable enough, thank you very much.\"

\"Shut up, you whinging brat. I just might be able to get us out of here.\" She grunted. \"Damn... too far down...\" The object she was reaching for was at the bottom of her pocket, and the trousers were of too high a quality for the stitching on the pocket to rip. \"I need to straighten my hips to get to it.\"

\"Get to what?\"

\"My folding knife.\"

\"Your what?!\"

\"I usually keep it in my pocket. It\'s handy for opening letters and so on when I\'m not in my office. Fortunately, I can feel it\'s there, so this vampire isn\'t as brainy as she thinks she is. Now, I need you to rock to the left so I can straighten my leg. On the count of three. One... Two... Three!\"

The pair of them rocked to the left, teetered, then fell onto their sides. \"Well, that was a bloody marvellous idea,\" grouched Maxwell.

Integra straightened out her legs, and her hand slid into her pocket and became stuck fast. Her fingers closed around the knife and fumbled it open. The blade sliced cleanly through the bottom of her trouser pocket, and she manouvered it to slice the pocket open along the side, freeing her hand. \"Didn\'t want to ruin these,\" she muttered. \"Can\'t be helped, though.\"

\"Have you got it?\"

Integra nodded. She slid her arm toward the front of her body, so as to have more control over the movement of the knife. Carefully she slid the knife between the rope and herself and began sawing at the fibers of the rope. As the knife was sharp, the rope gave way easily, and she only had to slice through it once to be able to loosen and then pass the end to Maxwell, who manouvered to pass it back to her on the other side - meaning he had to try a combination of stuffing it underneath them both and rocking to get it to her, and in this way they eventually managed to free themselves. They sprang apart, and got to their feet, rubbing their arms and trying to stomp circulation back into their legs.

Of one mind, they headed to the door, only to find it had no handle on the inside. Banging on it in frustration only proved to them that the door was mof sof solid stone, and very heavy. They\'d have had a hard enough time pushing it from the other side. It was not a door meant for humans. Slumped against the door, Integra sighed. \"I don\'t see how we can get out of here.\"

Enrico sank to the floor, his back against the door. \"After all that working together, we\'re still just as trapped.\" He chuckled suddenly.

\"What\'s so funny?\"

\"The thought of us spending our last hours together. Ironic, isn\'t it?\"

Integra scowled. \"I didn\'t imagine my last hours to be as a prisoner of a vampire.\" Maxwell didn\'t respond, and when she looked down, his eyes were closed, his hands folded and his lips moving silently in prayer.

***